Early pregnancy loss

[Rosebloom]

Oh KSMom, I'm so sorry to hear this news. I too lost an early pregnancy and its just awful. Hang in there.

 

[ksmom]

Oh KSMom, I'm so sorry to hear this news. I too lost an early pregnancy and its just awful. Hang in there.

Thank you so much Rosebloom. I am very sorry for your loss as well. Hugs to you.

 

[gem_anemone]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss ksmom... A loss at any number of weeks must be devastating.

 

[Skippy123]

I am sorry ksmom, hugs

 

[ksmom]

Thank you very much Skippy and Gem, and congratulations Gem on your happy news

 

[jfo]

Big hugs, ksmom.

 

[gem_anemone]

Thank you very much Skippy and Gem, and congratulations Gem on your happy news

Thank you

 

[ksmom]

Big hugs, ksmom.

Thanks so much jfo. It's been amazingly helpful to receive virtual hugs from compassionate PSers.

 

[Laila619]

I'm so sorry, KSmom. It doesn't matter that you've "only" been pregnant for 5 weeks, the love a mother has for her child is incredible and unlike anything else. Big hugs.

 

[ksmom]

I'm so sorry, KSmom. It doesn't matter that you've "only" been pregnant for 5 weeks, the love a mother has for her child is incredible and unlike anything else. Big hugs.

Thank you for your understanding and warmth Laila, I truly appreciate it.

 

[coda72]

Just saw this thread. I hope ksmom, that you are starting to feel better. I suffered a miscarriage in late April (at nearly 9 weeks), and it is an extremely difficult thing to deal with. My husband and I are now TTC again, and hopefully things go better for us this time. If you are TTC again, hopefully you have a happy and healthy pregnancy this time around.

 

[ksmom]

Just saw this thread. I hope ksmom, that you are starting to feel better. I suffered a miscarriage in late April (at nearly 9 weeks), and it is an extremely difficult thing to deal with. My husband and I are now TTC again, and hopefully things go better for us this time. If you are TTC again, hopefully you have a happy and healthy pregnancy this time around.

Thank you so much Coda, and I am deeply sorry for your loss.

We are considering trying again, though I'm not sure my heart is really in it- my husband has baby fever but I feel sort of removed from all of it right now. Best wishes to you and your husband, please keep us posted on how you are doing and I too am wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy.

 

[JGator]

KSMom, I am so sorry for your loss. I had a loss in Oct 2011 at 10 weeks, and I was devastated. We had some genetic testing done and found out the baby was a boy who had a trisomy that was not compatible with life. I was so fearful that another pregnancy would result in another genetic issue, but it did not. A year and a few weeks after that loss in October 2012, my healthy baby girl was born. I wish you luck in getting through this tough time. You will always remember this baby and pregnancy. I still think often that my baby girl has a big brother watching over her in heaven.

Coda, I am sorry for your loss, and I wish you the best of luck in TTC.

 

[Bliss]

I'm so sorry, ksmom. Our first pregnancy was a loss and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I still remember the grief like it was yesterday. I think my low point was sobbing in front of my computer while reading an online article about a dolphin that lost her little calf. Her trainers said she would just swim in a circle endlessly with her eyes closed like she couldn't bear to look upon the world. I felt like that was me. It was especially hard for DH because he had no idea how to comfort someone who was inconsolable.

I think of myself as a very strong person. But this leveled me. So I am very empathetic to you and wish I could help you. It was the first time in my life I considered taking depression or anxiety meds in my life because I truly felt like I could not handle the grief. It was like the little life made a hole in my heart that he/she could only fill and then left. I really felt like that little heartbeat was my child and loved it fiercely. Funny how that bond can form and be cemented forever before you even lay eyes on it. I'm crying for you and sending you support and love from afar.

Now, three years later with a beautiful little toddler girl and about to have a baby boy, I can promise you that things will be beautiful and promising again. My second pregnancy was ruined by anxiety, but once I had her in my arms, it was all worth it. She is so meant to be ours. I will pray that you, in due time, will have your miracle come knocking on your door again when you are both ready. With this pregnancy, I am more relaxed and while I always think of my first angel - I am happy and at peace with how things turned out. Hugs.

 

[ksmom]

KSMom, I am so sorry for your loss. I had a loss in Oct 2011 at 10 weeks, and I was devastated. We had some genetic testing done and found out the baby was a boy who had a trisomy that was not compatible with life. I was so fearful that another pregnancy would result in another genetic issue, but it did not. A year and a few weeks after that loss in October 2012, my healthy baby girl was born. I wish you luck in getting through this tough time. You will always remember this baby and pregnancy. I still think often that my baby girl has a big brother watching over her in heaven.

Coda, I am sorry for your loss, and I wish you the best of luck in TTC.

Thank you JGator, for sharing your story and for your wishes. I felt terribly alone when this all happened and can't describe how healing it is for me to know there are women who can relate to how I'm feeling right now.

I recently went through photos in my camera and erased the pictures we took with my positive pregnancy test, but I felt worse after erasing them when I had hoped to feel better. You're absolutely right that this experience will always stay with me; hopefully with time it won't be such an acutely painful memory to face.

And I do agree that your sweet daughter has a guardian angel in her big brother. Hugs to you.

 

[ksmom]

I'm so sorry, ksmom. Our first pregnancy was a loss and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I still remember the grief like it was yesterday. I think my low point was sobbing in front of my computer while reading an online article about a dolphin that lost her little calf. Her trainers said she would just swim in a circle endlessly with her eyes closed like she couldn't bear to look upon the world. I felt like that was me. It was especially hard for DH because he had no idea how to comfort someone who was inconsolable.

I think of myself as a very strong person. But this leveled me. So I am very empathetic to you and wish I could help you. It was the first time in my life I considered taking depression or anxiety meds in my life because I truly felt like I could not handle the grief. It was like the little life made a hole in my heart that he/she could only fill and then left. I really felt like that little heartbeat was my child and loved it fiercely. Funny how that bond can form and be cemented forever before you even lay eyes on it. I'm crying for you and sending you support and love from afar.

Now, three years later with a beautiful little toddler girl and about to have a baby boy, I can promise you that things will be beautiful and promising again. My second pregnancy was ruined by anxiety, but once I had her in my arms, it was all worth it. She is so meant to be ours. I will pray that you, in due time, will have your miracle come knocking on your door again when you are both ready. With this pregnancy, I am more relaxed and while I always think of my first angel - I am happy and at peace with how things turned out. Hugs.

Bliss, thank you so much for your thoughts. I have felt a kinship with you since I first started lurking on the 'barely pregnant' thread, which I started reading as soon as I had my positive pregnancy test. You so adeptly captured the excitement and the emotion of being pregnant, and I followed your story and cried along with you as you suffered your miscarriage. When I lost my own pregnancy, I stepped away from that thread but later came back to it and fast forwarded to the point at which you rejoined with the happy news of your second pregnancy. I can only imagine how stressful that second time must have been for you and don't know that I have the courage to allow myself to be so vulnerable again. But I am so happy for you that everything worked out so beautifully for you with your little girl and now with your son on the way. Many many congrats and thank you again for being so honest about your experience, and for revisiting this darker time in your life to help console others who have experienced this terrible loss.

As for that hole in your heart created by that experience- oh how true that is. I am a physician by training, so I should have known better than to assign paramount importance to such a faint little positive line on an early pregnancy test; but within 48 hours of seeing that line we had names picked out and I was already envisioning life with this little person 9 months later. As I watched the line get less prominent and eventually vanish, I deeply felt the vacuousness you describe.

 

[happybear]

I lost my baby on 8th September this year. I was 14+ weeks pregnant then, so it was not really an early pregnancy loss as I was already in my 2nd trimester.

It has been 2months 10 days since the loss and it still hurt as much. It happened in the middle of the night, with no warning at all. I woke up to go to the toilet and noticed there was some blood on my underwear. The next thing I knew, I felt my baby came out. He/she was dangling by the umbilical cord. I called out for my husband while I held my baby in my palm. I could see my baby was still alive as her/his hands. He/she was only about half my palm size. I was in a daze and shock then and just didn't know what to do. My hubby told me to cut the cord and it was the most difficult thing for me to do. We don't know if that was the right thing to do, as I started bleeding heavily after that. Hubby rushed me to the hospital and the doctor removed the placenta and cleaned up my womb.

I was diagnosed with cervical incompetence. It hurts most knowing that because of my incompetence, I dilated too soon and caused the death of my baby. This was my 2nd pregnancy, so we were not expecting this as my first pregnancy was problem-free.

My doctor says we can try again now but if I do get pregnant, he will perform a cervical cerclage on me at 13th week to prevent this from occuring again. I really wants to have another child but am worried and scared of another loss. My hubby too is rather apprehensive in trying again.

 

[kelpie]

Oh Happybear, what an acutely heartbreaking experience. I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Oh, happybear, that sounds absolutely devastating. I can't even imagine, I am just so sorry. Of course you are scared of getting pregnant again having gone through that. I wonder if it would help if maybe you went through some counseling when you become pregnant again? I only say that because I think it would be beneficial for me if I were in your shoes.

 

[happybear]

Thanks, Kelpie and NewEnglandLady.

I find it difficult to tell people what actually happened when asked. Even my family members do not know the details as I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud that my baby came out & I cut the cord.

My hubby thinks that we should just let go and doesn't like to talk about it much. I guess men grieve differently from women. Somehow I felt that I needed to share this out which was why I posted here when I saw this thread.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Oh Happybear-I am so sorry for your loss. That must have been devastating and I would imagine there is a lot of grieving to take place! I think after an experience like that, I would personally want to try some counseling. As fabulous as my DH can be, we just process things differently and I think I would need someone impartial but compassionate to talk through that experience with and try to find a path forward. I hope that you find comfort, peace, and hope as you move forward with TTC and life. Huge hugs!!!

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

Happybear my sympathies go out to you and hugs.

 

[Laila619]

Happybear, I am so deeply sorry. My deepest sympathies.

 

[pancake]

Happybear, I am just so sorry for your loss and for having to go through it in that way. I agree with Bella - if you find it helpful to externalise to people who aren't connected to your "real" life, then counselling might be something that would help you work your way through your grief.

 

[happybear]

Bella_mezzo, Asscherhalo_lover, Laila619 & pancake,
Thank you for your kind words. I agree maybe some counselling would do me good. Will talk to my doctor during my follow-up visit about it. I am thankful I still have my son and this did not happened when I was pregnant with him. Though I couldn't carry him around during my 1 month recuperation at home due to doctor's orders, he brought me so much comfort and joy. Had I been alone that time, I would have cried myself to death.
Hopefully, with time, the emotional trauma will heal better and we can start TTC again.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Oh Happybear, that is so heartbreaking, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad to hear that your son has been of comfort to you, and I agree with the others that after losing your baby in such a traumatic way, a counselor might be helpful in processing your loss and helping you move forward. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family!

 

[blacksand]

Oh happybear, I'm so sorry for your loss. What a tragedy, and how scary for you. I have no words, I am just so sorry.

 

[jfo]

happybear, I am deeply sorry for your loss. That is truly gut-wrenching. Many hugs to you.

 

[dani13]

Happybear, I'm so very sorry for your loss. How heartbreaking. I wholeheartedly agree with the others though....what you experienced was very traumatic, and some professional counseling would really help you process your feelings. Maybe your husband can join you for a few sessions as well.

Big hugs to you!

 

[gem_anemone]

happybear - I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. That must have been devastating. Hang in there and good luck with whatever you decide in the future.