Ediquette question!

[nebe]

FH has cousins in Canada that are marrying in August. The whole family (here, Massachusetts) has been under the impression I'm invited even though I've never met the couple. We received the invitation today and it doesn't say +1.

From what I know of wedding etiquette, a single addressed envelope means a guest is not invited to attend with the addressee. FH is being very adamant about R.S.V.P.ing with my name, but I was always brought up to never ask to include someone not previously invited (unless in the case of an engagement, but we're not- we simply live together). I'm also not sure if the rule of thumb would be different for a French Canadian wedding either.

What's the standard protocol?

 

[lala2332]

Sorry, you are not invited.

It might be different in canada, but I highly doubt it. Anyway, its rude to rsvp or bring a guest that wasn''t invited. Guest lists are impossibly hard to make and I bet that the cousins had to make an arbitrary cut-off line and stick to it. Sorry!

 

[nebe]

That''s what I had assumed- the family is huge and tho we''re a couple, I''ve never met these particular cousins so I doubted I''d be invited anyway. Thanks for the help!

 

[FrekeChild]

Well, hold that thought. Some people have no idea about invitation etiquette in the first place. I just received an invitation that''s addressed just to me, and I already know for a fact that my FI is invited as well. The person who addressed it just didn''t know better. I would have your FF check to make sure.

This isn''t like you''ve just met, you do live together.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

I''d say you''re not invited. I know for my upcoming wedding we sent invitations with only those invited listed on the envelope. I''ve gotten back a couple RSVP''s where people wrote in their (uninvited) significant other''s name and it really made me

.

I guess to be safe you could always have your boyfriend ask his family if you''re invited, but I''m guessing not unfortunately.

 

[lala2332]

I would feel really awkward and slightly put out if someone that I invited to our wedding checked in to make sure that I hadn''t left off their SO. But I''ve put a lot of thought and time into the guest list. I guess its ok to ask around to family, but I don''t know. Your FH and you know his family better than I do. If its legitimate that they don''t know invitation etiquiette, then ask, otherwise I would let it go.

 

[mayachel]

Will you be expecting/expected to invite them your own upcoming wedding? If so, I think all of you are about to become "family" and should make sure that they know you exist. I don''t think it would be out of line for your fiance to call up bride or groom and ask.

Then bride or groom can say whatever they want.

"We would of course love to have her, we had know idea you were engaged!"
or

"We''re trying to keep the wedding to immediate family, sorry the numbers have been really worked over at this point. We hope to meet her in the future."

All this is me not having sent out those invites but having been at both ends of those above answers as the +1.

 

[nebe]

Personally I don't mind either way- I just feel bad that FH is kinda in a weird spot. Do I not go and people wonder why (which could potentially make the bride/groom/wedding planner feel awkward)? OR, if I do go and wasn't meant to, I'm that thorn in their side that shouldn't have shown up!

I'll probably end up not going and if someone asks why I'm not there he can claim a mild case of swine flu. "She'll be fiiiine, she's just under quarantine until those antibiotics kick in!"

 

[lala2332]

Date: 6/21/2009 12:04:09 AM
Author: nebe

Personally I don''t mind either way- I just feel bad that FH is kinda in a weird spot. Do I not go and people wonder why (which could potentially make the bride/groom/wedding planner feel awkward)? OR, if I do go and wasn''t meant to, I''m that thorn in their side that shouldn''t have shown up!

I''ll probably end up not going and if someone asks why I''m not there he can claim a mild case of swine flu. ''She''ll be fiiiine, she''s just under quarantine until those antibiotics kick in!''

I''m sorry. I will probably get flack for saying this. But WOW, that is self-centered. Do you really think that a bride and groom on their wedding day are going to be awkward that someone they have never met is not there? Unless your FH does something very rude, (i.e. calling them out on it) I can''t imagine it even being thought of. If someone asks why you aren''t there, your FH should just say you had another obligation, but you send your best wishes.

 

[princesss]

Date: 6/21/2009 10:44:25 AM
Author: lala2332

Date: 6/21/2009 12:04:09 AM

Author: nebe

Personally I don't mind either way- I just feel bad that FH is kinda in a weird spot. Do I not go and people wonder why (which could potentially make the bride/groom/wedding planner feel awkward)? OR, if I do go and wasn't meant to, I'm that thorn in their side that shouldn't have shown up!

I'll probably end up not going and if someone asks why I'm not there he can claim a mild case of swine flu. 'She'll be fiiiine, she's just under quarantine until those antibiotics kick in!'

I'm sorry. I will probably get flack for saying this. But WOW, that is self-centered. Do you really think that a bride and groom on their wedding day are going to be awkward that someone they have never met is not there? Unless your FH does something very rude, (i.e. calling them out on it) I can't imagine it even being thought of. If someone asks why you aren't there, your FH should just say you had another obligation, but you send your best wishes.

That's what we did. BF was invited to a family wedding without me a few months after the extended family met me (they do BIG family weddings). I was left off the invitation list and didn't give it a second thought - they hadn't met me when they set up their guest list, and had only met me once when they got married. A few family members asked where I was, and BF said that I had another obligation, and he'd let me know they said hi.

If it were me, I'd tell my SO to go and enjoy the wedding. Then rent some funny movies, have some friends over, and make a party of it. Or just enjoy a night to yourself (or a few nights if he'd have to travel).

 

[nebe]

Date: 6/21/2009 10:44:25 AM
Author: lala2332

Date: 6/21/2009 12:04:09 AM
Author: nebe

Personally I don't mind either way- I just feel bad that FH is kinda in a weird spot. Do I not go and people wonder why (which could potentially make the bride/groom/wedding planner feel awkward)? OR, if I do go and wasn't meant to, I'm that thorn in their side that shouldn't have shown up!

I'll probably end up not going and if someone asks why I'm not there he can claim a mild case of swine flu. 'She'll be fiiiine, she's just under quarantine until those antibiotics kick in!'

I'm sorry. I will probably get flack for saying this. But WOW, that is self-centered. Do you really think that a bride and groom on their wedding day are going to be awkward that someone they have never met is not there? Unless your FH does something very rude, (i.e. calling them out on it) I can't imagine it even being thought of. If someone asks why you aren't there, your FH should just say you had another obligation, but you send your best wishes.

Um, I was talking more about my FHs immediate family whom I see at least once a week. My FMIL would probably be asking why I wasn't invited, since she's already done the same for one of her other sons who hasn't received an invitation yet either.

Thanks for the comment, I guess? Wow!

 

[lala2332]

Date: 6/21/2009 9:29:53 PM
Author: nebe

Date: 6/21/2009 10:44:25 AM
Author: lala2332

Date: 6/21/2009 12:04:09 AM
Author: nebe

Personally I don''t mind either way- I just feel bad that FH is kinda in a weird spot. Do I not go and people wonder why (which could potentially make the bride/groom/wedding planner feel awkward)? OR, if I do go and wasn''t meant to, I''m that thorn in their side that shouldn''t have shown up!

I''ll probably end up not going and if someone asks why I''m not there he can claim a mild case of swine flu. ''She''ll be fiiiine, she''s just under quarantine until those antibiotics kick in!''

I''m sorry. I will probably get flack for saying this. But WOW, that is self-centered. Do you really think that a bride and groom on their wedding day are going to be awkward that someone they have never met is not there? Unless your FH does something very rude, (i.e. calling them out on it) I can''t imagine it even being thought of. If someone asks why you aren''t there, your FH should just say you had another obligation, but you send your best wishes.

Um, I was talking more about my FHs immediate family whom I see at least once a week. My FMIL would probably be asking why I wasn''t invited, since she''s already done the same for one of her other sons who hasn''t received an invitation yet either.

Thanks for the comment, I guess? Wow!

ok, that makes no sense. It is still rude to ask why certain people were/were not invited, doesn''t matter if its your FH or FMIL. And if you see these people weekly, then they should know that you aren''t going to be there and it shouldn''t be a surprise, hence nothing but the above bolded words need to be said to any potential inquiring minds.

And your post said "awkward for bride/groom/wedding planner'' (see above yellow) and I stand by my assesment that that is a very self-centered position. Thinking that your absence would cause awkwardness is self-centered. Adressing your absence in such a way that would potentially cause awkwardness to the bride and groom at their wedding is self-centered and rude, deosn''t matter who does it. Sorry.

 

[honey22]

Really this is crazy! These people are your family, just ask them to please clarify the invite.

If they are not up with etiquette (and many people wouldn''t give things like this a second thought, however important it seems to other people), they may not have realised you are not invited. Or on the other hand, it may have been deliberate.

A simple phone call or email will sort it all out.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/22/2009 12:00:55 AM
Author: honey22
Really this is crazy! These people are your family, just ask them to please clarify the invite.


If they are not up with etiquette (and many people wouldn''t give things like this a second thought, however important it seems to other people), they may not have realised you are not invited. Or on the other hand, it may have been deliberate.


A simple phone call or email will sort it all out.

I totally agree. If this had happened to me when I was getting married (in a polite inquiring way of course) I would have been relieved that someone asked for one of two reasons:

1. If I really did leave them off accidentally I would have felt horrible after the wedding when I found out if I DID intend to invite them.

OR

2. I would have been relieved that they asked rather than just adding a "plus 1" if it was intentional.

I don''t see harm in asking as long as it is done in a non-confrontational way.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 6/21/2009 10:45:13 PM
Author: lala2332

Date: 6/21/2009 9:29:53 PM
Author: nebe

Date: 6/21/2009 10:44:25 AM
Author: lala2332

Date: 6/21/2009 12:04:09 AM
Author: nebe

Personally I don''t mind either way- I just feel bad that FH is kinda in a weird spot. Do I not go and people wonder why (which could potentially make the bride/groom/wedding planner feel awkward)? OR, if I do go and wasn''t meant to, I''m that thorn in their side that shouldn''t have shown up!

I''ll probably end up not going and if someone asks why I''m not there he can claim a mild case of swine flu. ''She''ll be fiiiine, she''s just under quarantine until those antibiotics kick in!''

I''m sorry. I will probably get flack for saying this. But WOW, that is self-centered. Do you really think that a bride and groom on their wedding day are going to be awkward that someone they have never met is not there? Unless your FH does something very rude, (i.e. calling them out on it) I can''t imagine it even being thought of. If someone asks why you aren''t there, your FH should just say you had another obligation, but you send your best wishes.

Um, I was talking more about my FHs immediate family whom I see at least once a week. My FMIL would probably be asking why I wasn''t invited, since she''s already done the same for one of her other sons who hasn''t received an invitation yet either.

Thanks for the comment, I guess? Wow!

ok, that makes no sense. It is still rude to ask why certain people were/were not invited, doesn''t matter if its your FH or FMIL. And if you see these people weekly, then they should know that you aren''t going to be there and it shouldn''t be a surprise, hence nothing but the above bolded words need to be said to any potential inquiring minds.

And your post said ''awkward for bride/groom/wedding planner'' (see above yellow) and I stand by my assesment that that is a very self-centered position. Thinking that your absence would cause awkwardness is self-centered. Adressing your absence in such a way that would potentially cause awkwardness to the bride and groom at their wedding is self-centered and rude, deosn''t matter who does it. Sorry.

My goodness...there''s no reason to be snarky. Nebe posted this because she doesn''t want to be rude or cause any awkwardness.


Nebe, I agree with Honey and Neatfreak - a simple email or phone call will clear this up.

 

[FrekeChild]

Ditto Lucy.

I''d call, have FH call or have FMIL call.

Not all people are up on all of the etiquette nowadays. I know my cousin certainly isn''t.

 

[lala2332]

i wasn''t being snarky.

I have a HUGE issue with anyone that thinks they have the right to 2nd guess a bride/groom''s guest list decision. These expectations that certain people that you have never met HAVE to be invited is ridiculous.

Freke, aren''t you the one dis-inviting half your guests, because they were ones you felt you HAD to include. And then you decided that isn''t what you wanted?

The word wedding just makes people go crazy. Why in this world should anyone have to invite people that they rarely if ever see, don''t truly care about, and don''t want to spend time with?

Therefore.....
I think it is rude to call a bride and ask why someone was/wasn''t invited, and/or if it was an oversight. I said before I don''t know her family, so maybe it is legitimate, but I would be really hard pressed to ask the bride. She has enough going on.

Nebe said she didn''t want it be awkward for the bride/groom/wedding planner at the wedding, that is great that she doesn''t want it to be that way, but how would it ever get to that point unless someone was rude?

These people have never met her, they are not going to say more than hello and welcome to the family before moving on to the people they know and want to spend time with. If you genuinly want to celebrate their marriage, then plan a trip to visit them after the wedding.

Insisting that your lack of invite is an oversite is selfish. WHy does nebe want to go the wedding? Do you truly want to celebrate the union of these two people you have never met, or do you think you should be invited and therefore have a right to call and ask why you weren''t. I personally think it sounds like the second. And maybe it s more your FMIL and FH that have the expectations, but either way I don''t think it is ok to call the bride. If you want to ask around to a muual family member that will know, maybe, but even that is pushing the limits to me.

 

[nebe]

Date: 6/22/2009 12:57:13 AM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 6/21/2009 10:45:13 PM
Author: lala2332

Date: 6/21/2009 9:29:53 PM
Author: nebe

Date: 6/21/2009 10:44:25 AM
Author: lala2332

Date: 6/21/2009 12:04:09 AM
Author: nebe

Personally I don't mind either way- I just feel bad that FH is kinda in a weird spot. Do I not go and people wonder why (which could potentially make the bride/groom/wedding planner feel awkward)? OR, if I do go and wasn't meant to, I'm that thorn in their side that shouldn't have shown up!

I'll probably end up not going and if someone asks why I'm not there he can claim a mild case of swine flu. 'She'll be fiiiine, she's just under quarantine until those antibiotics kick in!'

I'm sorry. I will probably get flack for saying this. But WOW, that is self-centered. Do you really think that a bride and groom on their wedding day are going to be awkward that someone they have never met is not there? Unless your FH does something very rude, (i.e. calling them out on it) I can't imagine it even being thought of. If someone asks why you aren't there, your FH should just say you had another obligation, but you send your best wishes.

Um, I was talking more about my FHs immediate family whom I see at least once a week. My FMIL would probably be asking why I wasn't invited, since she's already done the same for one of her other sons who hasn't received an invitation yet either.

Thanks for the comment, I guess? Wow!

ok, that makes no sense. It is still rude to ask why certain people were/were not invited, doesn't matter if its your FH or FMIL. And if you see these people weekly, then they should know that you aren't going to be there and it shouldn't be a surprise, hence nothing but the above bolded words need to be said to any potential inquiring minds.

And your post said 'awkward for bride/groom/wedding planner' (see above yellow) and I stand by my assesment that that is a very self-centered position. Thinking that your absence would cause awkwardness is self-centered. Adressing your absence in such a way that would potentially cause awkwardness to the bride and groom at their wedding is self-centered and rude, deosn't matter who does it. Sorry.

My goodness...there's no reason to be snarky. Nebe posted this because she doesn't want to be rude or cause any awkwardness.


Nebe, I agree with Honey and Neatfreak - a simple email or phone call will clear this up.

THANK YOU for your kind comment Lucy.

lala, I'm not normally confrontational, but I've never seen someone act this way on P.S. (not towards myself, anyway). This is supposed to be a place where people can ask questions without feeling attacked. I don't know what's wrong, but you have my sympathies for whatever it is that's made my question so abrasive for you.

 

[meresal]

If this were not a family occassion, and your FI were the only one invited, then I would say he might want to call and clarify, since he would essentailly be traveling alone.
However, in this case, he will know tons of people at this wedding, so I'm going to have to say that with no engagement, and only living together, you are more than likely not invited.
Does he have any other family members that are engaged or married that he could call and see what their invitation said? I would suggest asking around, instead of calling the hosts or B&G themselves. It is a very awkward converstaion to have to have. No one wants to tell someone they are specifically not invited.

With that said, BY NO MEANS should he reply with your name assuming you are invited. That is very rude to the hosts.

 

[LilyKat]

Hi Nebe,

I don't think you're being in the least bit self-centered, rude, or anything else. It's a perfectly reasonable concern!

If it were me, I would just assume I wasn't invited and not ask. I understand why you'd be worried the bride's family would feel awkward on the day if it was a genuine oversight, but as has already been said, your FH can get around that by just saying you had other commitments if asked in a way that implies you were invited.

It's just that if they really did leave you out on purpose due to space, money, or whatever other constraints, it would be SO awkward for them to have to say it. They might even end up saying they did mean to invite you just to save face, and then have to add an extra person they weren't planning to. I think even people who are clueless about etiquette/from a different culture know to mention someone on the invitation if they want them there. I wouldn't take it personally, there are lots of reasons for a restricted guest list.

But to reiterate, you are NOT behaving in the least bit badly.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 6/22/2009 12:14:10 PM
Author: nebe

THANK YOU for your kind comment Lucy.

lala, I'm not normally confrontational, but I've never seen someone act this way on P.S. (not towards myself, anyway). This is supposed to be a place where people can ask questions without feeling attacked. I don't know what's wrong, but you have my sympathies for whatever it is that's made my question so abrasive for you.

No kidding!

And adding "Sorry!" a million times in her posts doesn't make her come off any less grating. I do get her points, but she is obviously stressed and perhaps needs a breather.

Anyway, I think that there isn't anything wrong with having someone ask for you as long as they don't do it in a confrontational way. In other words, they shouldn't ask "Why wasn't Nebe invited??" Keep it neutral, like "I was wondering if my invitation was supposed to include Nebe?" then go on to explain that they just wanted to be sure, and they know that guest lists can fill up fast.

 

[ravengirl]

*lurker*

I just wanted to chime in and tell an experience I had showing that lots of people aren''t up on their wedding etiquette, and that you could still be invited.

Last year my friend had a wedding. I got an invite with only my name on it, no "plus one," no "and guest." So, I figured my boyfriend wasn''t invited. I didn''t think anything of it as we''d only been dating for a few months.

About a week later my friend asked, "So, do you know if M (my BF) can make it to the wedding?" I was so confused! I said, kind of awkwardly, "Oh...I thought he wasn''t invited. I haven''t asked him..." She laughed and said that she assumed anyone who wanted to bring a guest would just write them in on the invitation! Crazy.

Anyway, nebe, I certainly don''t think you are being self-centered by wondering about this. It''s hard to know what different people are used to and what they accept as the norm!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 6/22/2009 12:37:07 PM
Author: LilyKat
If it were me, I would just assume I wasn't invited and not ask. I understand why you'd be worried the bride's family would feel awkward on the day if it was a genuine oversight, but as has already been said, your FH can get around that by just saying you had other commitments if asked in a way that implies you were invited.

It's just that if they really did leave you out on purpose due to space, money, or whatever other constraints, it would be SO awkward for them to have to say it. They might even end up saying they did mean to invite you just to save face, and then have to add an extra person they weren't planning to. I think even people who are clueless about etiquette/from a different culture know to mention someone on the invitation if they want them there. I wouldn't take it personally, there are lots of reasons for a restricted guest list.

But to reiterate, you are NOT behaving in the least bit badly.

Ditto. Your future fiance will understand how this goes more when you're planning *your* wedding. Ooof. Its a chore! And fraught with all sorts of embarrassments & awkward moments. You could still travel with him & do something else during the ceremony & reception if you want to do the trip together.

And KUDOS for having grace under such ridiculous "fire". You know what's self-centered? Taking impersonal threads personally. And making other people's threads about *yourself*.

 

[lala2332]

well for the million+1...I''m sorry that I offended everyone. I don''t like the idea of calling the bride and putting her on the spot, I think a lot of people would be caught of gaurd and that is not nice to do. million+2, I''m sorry but I was very offended by the idea that the bride/groom/wedding planner would be made to feel awkward at the wedding, I don''t think there is any reason why that should happen....that was my point.

 

[brooklyngirl]

I don''t see anything wrong with FMIL or FI calling the bride/groom/MOB and clarifying if you''re invited or not. If you are not invited due to some constraints or whatever, there is nothing for the bride/groom/MOB to be embarrassed about. They are all adults who made a decision, and adults own up to their decisions.

You are in no way being selfish, rude or anything else of the sort.

 

[lala2332]

the rude and self-centered was not about calling and checking out before, but making bride/groom/wedding planner feel awkward at the wedding. and i stand by that if it happens

 

[nebe]

Date: 6/22/2009 1:47:27 PM
Author: lala2332
the rude and self-centered was not about calling and checking out before, but making bride/groom/wedding planner feel awkward at the wedding. and i stand by that if it happens

I didn''t expect for them to feel badly at the wedding, but I wanted to prevent anyone from an after-the-fact apology. I don''t mean to be "self-centered" in finding out whether or not I should attend at all. And I would never put anyone on the spot on purpose, if that''s what you assumed.


Thank you everyone for your help, I appreciate all the opinions and I hope I didn''t ruffle anyone''s feathers. FH and I will navigate the situation in a way that doesn''t put out the bride and groom!

 

[Izzy03]

It sounds like you weren''t invited. But I don''t think it would be wrong to call a parent of the bride or groom and ask. By no means should you call the bride or groom!

I would leave the question very open such as "Is Bob able to bring a guest?" I have to agree they should not ask why you weren''t invited!

 

[Haven]

Nebe--I don''t see any harm at all in your FH calling the mother of the bride and saying something like "I just got the beautiful invitation for Winston and Callie''s wedding, I''m so excited to celebrate with you. I''m unfamiliar with the way these things work, so I wanted to call to ask if Nebe is invited to the wedding, as well. I certainly don''t want to be presumptuous if she isn''t, and I''d completely understand since we are not yet married."

I can''t imagine anyone being offended by an innocent question like that. I would much prefer it if my family asked rather than assumed, especially if I had wanted the person in question to attend the wedding.

And, add me to the list of posters who think you''ve handled yourself with grace under fire. Well done.

 

[doodle]

I think Haven worded that in the least possibly offensive manner. I can see how it''d be risky business to call up the bride and groom and put them on the spot, but I also think that''s infinitely more polite than either A) showing up when they didn''t intend for you to be there, or B) not showing up when they meant for you to be invited and assumed your FH''s acceptance was on behalf of both of you. We had a couple of guests RSVP yes then not show up at the last minute because they got sick, and it was stressful to have to make adjustments to the seating chart on the day of the wedding, but we had to because their absence left their table with only 4 people at an 8 top! Either way, I think it''d be better to know for sure, both for you and FH and for the bridal couple. I guess I see a distinct difference between asking to be invited and asking if you were invited.