ladykemma
Ideal_Rock
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Effectively Managing Your Male...
- Thread starter Mara
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Blenheim
Ideal_Rock
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Moving in together can sometimes be good strategically-
I really wasn''t comfortable with the idea of moving in together before being engaged, and my now-fiance knew that. Both of us had to find new places to live starting in June, so it was either propose before June and move in together or live in separate places for about a year, then move in. When it got time to really look around at apartments, he told me just to trust him on the proposal and gave me his self-imposed deadline. He proposed about 4 weeks before we moved in together.
Heehee, is this what''s meant by managing my male?
I really wasn''t comfortable with the idea of moving in together before being engaged, and my now-fiance knew that. Both of us had to find new places to live starting in June, so it was either propose before June and move in together or live in separate places for about a year, then move in. When it got time to really look around at apartments, he told me just to trust him on the proposal and gave me his self-imposed deadline. He proposed about 4 weeks before we moved in together.
Heehee, is this what''s meant by managing my male?
sumbride
Ideal_Rock
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I''ve been out of town (again) so I''m late in chiming in, but for me, moving in together was actually a positive strategic move. At least I think so!
After almost 2 years together I wanted to know exactly what direction we were headed, so I asked him, flat out. He said he had an order of things he wanted to follow... 1) he wanted to buy a house, 2) he wanted to date for at least 2 years before we moved in together, 3) he wanted to live together for a year before we got engaged. I added 4) I wanted to be engaged a year before we got married.
They all seemed pretty reasonable to both of us, though I had some issue with the buying of the house because in this market, I didn''t understand how he would be able to afford a house big enough for both of us with just his income, and I was NOT, repeat NOT, signing any paperwork without a wedding date set. He understood that and decided to buy the house with the trendy financing they have now under the impression that we would be married before too long and we could refinance with both our incomes. In the meantime I agreed to pay him rent that is less than half his mortgage payment, since it isn''t technically my house yet, and we''ve lived happily in that arrangement for 11 months now! That means his list is ALMOST complete. One more month and it will be. Then we''ll just have to work on number 4.
He started to talk about marriage seriously, i.e. his "plan", about 4 months into the year of living together, which frankly was way earlier than I actually expected him to bring it up. He had realized we could live together, and also that he wasn''t as allergic to my cats as he used to be, and that this whole thing was pretty good afterall... he''s had a taste of what it''s like to have me around all the time and he likes it. And I like it. Plus we have adjusted to the living together so we can adjust to being engaged, then being married too. I think doing it all at once is a bit much... at least it would be for us! We both like change to happen gradually! I don''t think either of us would have been ready to get engaged before living together, and I told him if we weren''t living together by our third anniversary, that I would have to go on with my life, and he understood that. He has always said he wouldn''t string me along... that he couldn''t live with himself if he did that... etc... he''s a good guy, just has a slightly slower pace than I do. I think it''s all working exactly as it''s supposed to for us.
After almost 2 years together I wanted to know exactly what direction we were headed, so I asked him, flat out. He said he had an order of things he wanted to follow... 1) he wanted to buy a house, 2) he wanted to date for at least 2 years before we moved in together, 3) he wanted to live together for a year before we got engaged. I added 4) I wanted to be engaged a year before we got married.
They all seemed pretty reasonable to both of us, though I had some issue with the buying of the house because in this market, I didn''t understand how he would be able to afford a house big enough for both of us with just his income, and I was NOT, repeat NOT, signing any paperwork without a wedding date set. He understood that and decided to buy the house with the trendy financing they have now under the impression that we would be married before too long and we could refinance with both our incomes. In the meantime I agreed to pay him rent that is less than half his mortgage payment, since it isn''t technically my house yet, and we''ve lived happily in that arrangement for 11 months now! That means his list is ALMOST complete. One more month and it will be. Then we''ll just have to work on number 4.
He started to talk about marriage seriously, i.e. his "plan", about 4 months into the year of living together, which frankly was way earlier than I actually expected him to bring it up. He had realized we could live together, and also that he wasn''t as allergic to my cats as he used to be, and that this whole thing was pretty good afterall... he''s had a taste of what it''s like to have me around all the time and he likes it. And I like it. Plus we have adjusted to the living together so we can adjust to being engaged, then being married too. I think doing it all at once is a bit much... at least it would be for us! We both like change to happen gradually! I don''t think either of us would have been ready to get engaged before living together, and I told him if we weren''t living together by our third anniversary, that I would have to go on with my life, and he understood that. He has always said he wouldn''t string me along... that he couldn''t live with himself if he did that... etc... he''s a good guy, just has a slightly slower pace than I do. I think it''s all working exactly as it''s supposed to for us.
chrissy2006
Rough_Rock
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I''ve always been of the opinion that you should never have to "manage" your boyfriend into wanting to marry you. If he wants to do it, then that''s what he''ll do. I don''t mind not knowing when he''s going to do it or what my ring will look like. In the end all that''s important is that the two of you will be married when you are BOTH ready and not before. I''ve known too many girls to talk their guys into getting engaged and married and it ending in divorce. I figure that as long as we both know that marriage is where it is heading...what does it matter if it takes him a little bit longer to get there?
Mara
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we had both lived with others before meeting each other and each had ended...we both knew how easy it was to fall into the whole living together aimlessly thing...so we had talked about this beforehand and said we did not want to move in with each other until we knew for sure this was IT and that we were definitely going somewhere on the train. when we started looking at stones, that''s when we said ''okay well we are defintiely going to be engaged soon, do we want to think about moving in together''? so he moved in dec with me in my place, and we got engaged at end of jan. by the time he moved in with me, we already had the stone so we knew it was happening. that felt right for us...he obviously was over at my house all the time and vice versa and even had clothes and stuff there but he could always go home. moving in for us was a big step because we had both already been there and done that with ex''s and it was ''fun at the time'' kind of thing but just stretched out over years into not taking any more steps fwd and then the relationships just petered out. so we didn''t want to just be aimless about it, we wanted to do it the right way for us and it worked out fab.
Mara
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for those who feel like 'managing' the guy into the engagement isn't the way for them and would prefer to just wait...i have a question.
do you ever get the feeling in general that your guy takes a while (a long while) to reach conclusions on his own that you already knew about months ago? i find that sometimes men just have to take a really long time to think about things before reaching the same conclusion that us women figured out a while back. this is how my husband is, and this is kind of how it was for engagement for us. he stews and mulls over things for months. i knew that if i just left him on his own, he'd aimlessly think 'wow this relationship is fabulous' but we'd never actually GO anywhere. when i brought up 'the future' at year 1.5 he was like WHAT! we're still having fun and figuring things out aren't we? i said look buddy, maybe you are still figuring things out but i already know, so chop chop and figure it out too because i'm not waiting around for 3 years for you to realize that there doesn't have to be a 'fun part' ending if you get engaged or married.
if we had never had that discussion and kind of laid out our timeline (in a manner that he felt comfortable with of course, i wasn't hovering over with him a contract to sign or anything)...i honestly think he would have just kept going blithely on until i gave him a bit of a kick in the pants. he was having a FAB time with everything. change it? WHY?
so i think that for some women waiting is fine and sometimes the guy will figure it out on their own. but many other men just may not. OR they may not figure it out within a timeframe that's acceptable to the woman. i also tend to think that in general how you are in general comes across during the engagement period. i'm not a passive waiting individual. i'm also not super aggressive....but am somewhere in between. i knew i had to take the bull by the horns at some point to nudge things along, but do it in a way that made him feel okay about it...i did not want to push him into anything, i just wanted to give him a few hip nudges over into the right direction. i also know gals who have pushed their men into engagement when they seemed TOTALLY not ready, and i didn't want to be one of those girls. he was really happy with how it all came about, i gave him a mental timeline, he did his mental homework, arrived at the conclusion i already knew 3 months ahead of time and that was that. i do think a lot of it has to come from within the GUY as they have to be very close to mentally ready....but i don't think that just sitting around making googoo eyes at them for the next 2 years will get most women engaged. some sure! but most? no!
do you ever get the feeling in general that your guy takes a while (a long while) to reach conclusions on his own that you already knew about months ago? i find that sometimes men just have to take a really long time to think about things before reaching the same conclusion that us women figured out a while back. this is how my husband is, and this is kind of how it was for engagement for us. he stews and mulls over things for months. i knew that if i just left him on his own, he'd aimlessly think 'wow this relationship is fabulous' but we'd never actually GO anywhere. when i brought up 'the future' at year 1.5 he was like WHAT! we're still having fun and figuring things out aren't we? i said look buddy, maybe you are still figuring things out but i already know, so chop chop and figure it out too because i'm not waiting around for 3 years for you to realize that there doesn't have to be a 'fun part' ending if you get engaged or married.
if we had never had that discussion and kind of laid out our timeline (in a manner that he felt comfortable with of course, i wasn't hovering over with him a contract to sign or anything)...i honestly think he would have just kept going blithely on until i gave him a bit of a kick in the pants. he was having a FAB time with everything. change it? WHY?
so i think that for some women waiting is fine and sometimes the guy will figure it out on their own. but many other men just may not. OR they may not figure it out within a timeframe that's acceptable to the woman. i also tend to think that in general how you are in general comes across during the engagement period. i'm not a passive waiting individual. i'm also not super aggressive....but am somewhere in between. i knew i had to take the bull by the horns at some point to nudge things along, but do it in a way that made him feel okay about it...i did not want to push him into anything, i just wanted to give him a few hip nudges over into the right direction. i also know gals who have pushed their men into engagement when they seemed TOTALLY not ready, and i didn't want to be one of those girls. he was really happy with how it all came about, i gave him a mental timeline, he did his mental homework, arrived at the conclusion i already knew 3 months ahead of time and that was that. i do think a lot of it has to come from within the GUY as they have to be very close to mentally ready....but i don't think that just sitting around making googoo eyes at them for the next 2 years will get most women engaged. some sure! but most? no!
chrissy2006
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It''s just my personal opinion that I don''t believe in making timelines about our future and when we should get engaged or married, buy a house, etc. Are we living in such a fast paced world that things can''t just go at their own pace? I believe in enjoying every moment and I don''t believe that I could do that if I was bugging him about when he''s getting a ring,etc. And I especially don''t see the point of knowing what the ring is going to look like, when it has arrived and just waiting for him to pop the question...doesn''t that take all the romance out of it? You know it''s coming...you just don''t know when. But like I said, that''s just my opinion.
Mandarine
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I definitely agree that a kick in the behind is sometimes necessary...and laying out what you want is also needed. In my case, this is all done....I told him, we discussed...we were both happy with the timeline....and we go on enjoying our relationship.....
BUT! I still get frustrated from time to time because I''m like "ok, we said 2006...but are you going to wait until Dec 31st?...come on!"...so that''s my kind of waiting and lack of patience!....I''m not sitting here waiting to see if he wants to or not. I couldn''t do it! I want to get married and I want to have kids. I needed to know we were both in the same page early on. In my mind having those talks and setting a timeline is not managing. It''s just two adults talking about their future.
I have seen girls literally manage their BFs into proposing....and that''s what I wouldn''t want. I don''t want to orchestrate the whole thing. You both have to want it.
Two different kinds of managing, IMO...
M~
BUT! I still get frustrated from time to time because I''m like "ok, we said 2006...but are you going to wait until Dec 31st?...come on!"...so that''s my kind of waiting and lack of patience!....I''m not sitting here waiting to see if he wants to or not. I couldn''t do it! I want to get married and I want to have kids. I needed to know we were both in the same page early on. In my mind having those talks and setting a timeline is not managing. It''s just two adults talking about their future.
I have seen girls literally manage their BFs into proposing....and that''s what I wouldn''t want. I don''t want to orchestrate the whole thing. You both have to want it.
Two different kinds of managing, IMO...
M~
Mara
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i just think it's different strokes for different folks. my friend who helped plan the ring with her bf got engaged over the weekend and her bf pulled some really romantic stuff on her at their B&B, and she was still surprised and awed by some of the things he did and he's not really the romantic type...so for me knowing about what the ring looks like doesn't kill romance at all. personally, i'm a little scared to think about what my DH would have gotten for me if he had been left to his own devices.
Mandarine
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I''m with you Chrissy in the whole ring shopping. I don''t want to be involved.
If a guy didn''t really didn''t know what to get his GF and she was picky, I would rather him propose with a temporary ring or something. In my case, I''m not picky, I''m pretty simple when it comes to my taste in rings and he knows this, so I''m happy with him choosing and surprising me in that front.
M~
If a guy didn''t really didn''t know what to get his GF and she was picky, I would rather him propose with a temporary ring or something. In my case, I''m not picky, I''m pretty simple when it comes to my taste in rings and he knows this, so I''m happy with him choosing and surprising me in that front.
M~
decodelighted
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I don''t see anything wrong with managing the engagement process. Two months after I started dating my now-husband, he began talking of engagment rings and marriage. Four months after that, I moved to Chicago and we ended up getting an apartment together. Six months into that, I hadn''t heard anything further about an upcoming engagement, and my name was on the lease, so I basically told him that if I didn''t have a ring on my finger by the time the lease was up, I''d be leaving. I felt that there was no point in my staying with someone until he felt "ready" or decided himself that it was time for both of us...it was my decision too, and I had to take a stand and have some input, not just wait around until he felt like proposing. A month after what some might call an ultimatum, we were happily engaged, and married 9 months later. He was excited about the wedding plans and was involved the whole time. However, I feel that if I hadn''t given him that push, I might have ended up waiting for a long, long time...
I don''t really have an opinion on how others choose to handle their own situations. I was just in a place where I felt like either a move was going to be made or there would be no move at all, and it was that simple.
I don''t really have an opinion on how others choose to handle their own situations. I was just in a place where I felt like either a move was going to be made or there would be no move at all, and it was that simple.
chrissy2006
Rough_Rock
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Okay....like I said this is my opinion. I''m not asking or telling you to change your minds or change what you are doing. I''m not trying to convince anyone of anything. I''m just stating my OPINION. By the way, I''m not 24-ish...just thought I could voice my thoughts like everyone else here does. I''m not trying to attack anyone''s life choices. I just don''t think that the ring is what the focus of the engagement should be about. I''m all for letting him know what I kind of like if he were to ask me, but if your man really knows you and knows what your style is, shouldn''t he know what to get you that will stand for something other than "just a ring" but a serious committment?
decodelighted
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Chrissy - I hope you didn''t take offense to my question. It wasn''t meant as a criticism. My curiosity was genuine. I have felt almost exactly as you do now. You''re absolutely welcome to voice your opinion.
No more than I''d know what computer or car to pick out for him.
Mandarine
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It's funny to me that I never met any girl that was (or wanted to be) involved in the ring shopping process. As I have said before, in my culture the ring is really not that important....it's more of just a symbol. Mot girls don't really even wear it!.
Since the american culture has rubbed in me through the years, I am somewhere in the middle. I will wear my ring, but still think he knows me well enough to give me something I would love.
It is just such a personal thing and particular to each couple...age really has nothing to do with it IMO.
Since the american culture has rubbed in me through the years, I am somewhere in the middle. I will wear my ring, but still think he knows me well enough to give me something I would love.
It is just such a personal thing and particular to each couple...age really has nothing to do with it IMO.
galeteia
Brilliant_Rock
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galeteia
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I wanted to chime in on the 'living together' question:
It's interesting to see how this worked and didn't work for others. For me, living together has always been the 'litmus test' and something that I personally wouldn't be comfortable getting engaged without. I'd found that in circumstances where I had to spend a length of time, 'cooped up' as it were, with my boyfriends, all sorts of things came out in the wash that eventually precipitated a breakup.
And that worked for me. With my FF, we were facing such huge obstacles in our relationship that if this really was 'it', we needed to know, and fast! So I went down to his country and lived with him for 3 months, under some fairly stressful circumstances. All logic said that it shouldn't have worked, that it should have blown the relationship sky high. It didn't-- it cemented it in a way that wouldn't have been possible elsewise. It gave us the conviction that it was 'it'.
Not unlike sumbride, I had a 'together for a year before moving in, live together for a year, get engaged, be engaged for a year before marriage' requirement. Unfortunately, our circumstances didn't allow for that, but I'm not complaining.
Even if we had been a 'local' couple, I don't think we would have fallen prey to living aimlessly (that sounds like it would be so disheartening, Mara!) although I can totally see how that would have happened with my exes. I wasn't interested in marriage until I met my FF. Ironically, we were 'joking' about getting married two hours into our first conversation... and it's our friends who are laughing now!
It's interesting to see how this worked and didn't work for others. For me, living together has always been the 'litmus test' and something that I personally wouldn't be comfortable getting engaged without. I'd found that in circumstances where I had to spend a length of time, 'cooped up' as it were, with my boyfriends, all sorts of things came out in the wash that eventually precipitated a breakup.
And that worked for me. With my FF, we were facing such huge obstacles in our relationship that if this really was 'it', we needed to know, and fast! So I went down to his country and lived with him for 3 months, under some fairly stressful circumstances. All logic said that it shouldn't have worked, that it should have blown the relationship sky high. It didn't-- it cemented it in a way that wouldn't have been possible elsewise. It gave us the conviction that it was 'it'.
Not unlike sumbride, I had a 'together for a year before moving in, live together for a year, get engaged, be engaged for a year before marriage' requirement. Unfortunately, our circumstances didn't allow for that, but I'm not complaining.
Even if we had been a 'local' couple, I don't think we would have fallen prey to living aimlessly (that sounds like it would be so disheartening, Mara!) although I can totally see how that would have happened with my exes. I wasn't interested in marriage until I met my FF. Ironically, we were 'joking' about getting married two hours into our first conversation... and it's our friends who are laughing now!
Mara
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Mandarine it's funny you say that you don't know any girls who want to be involved in the process because most of my friends DO! It's also not really so much about the ring..I would have been fine if Greg said 'well you know what, I don't believe in a fancy ring showing our love for each other or whatever'...fine! No biggie, that's not what I was marrying anyway. But he didn't and then he created a monster! hehee.
chrissy, your opinion is definitely welcome...i don't think that anyone thinks they will change one person's mind vs another etc...it's just an interesting line of discussion. no one is right or wrong IMO...everyone does what works best for them. my whole point of the thread was that i just wondered if these gals who are all frustrated with waiting (and there are more than a few on here!!) maybe could be a little more proactive with making their future happen. some already have done what they can, which is fab! but it was just an idea for the others....maybe...just an idea!...
chrissy, your opinion is definitely welcome...i don't think that anyone thinks they will change one person's mind vs another etc...it's just an interesting line of discussion. no one is right or wrong IMO...everyone does what works best for them. my whole point of the thread was that i just wondered if these gals who are all frustrated with waiting (and there are more than a few on here!!) maybe could be a little more proactive with making their future happen. some already have done what they can, which is fab! but it was just an idea for the others....maybe...just an idea!...
ljmorgan
Brilliant_Rock
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I just wanted to pipe up from a different perspective. Right before my fiance and I became engaged, I had a case of cold feet (I knew it was coming since I was picking the ring.) There was no real logic to my worries, we have a wonderful relationship. I was facing fears about becoming distant to my family, growing up in general, marriage is one of the biggest decisions of your life, and there really is a lot to think about in that regard. My now fiance was an angel -- at first I didn''t want to voice my fears because I thought it would seem hurtful to him, the whole "are we sure we should get married?" seems like it might be insulting to the other person. But he soothed my fears, told me that we''d never do anything I didn''t want to do, and that we could wait as long as I wanted. Essentially as Mara described, he did "manage" me. We were moving towards engagement but instead of actually letting me take huge major steps back, he listened to me, talked to me, and calmed my fears.
I think some of you are interpreting "managing" as tricking or coercing your partner into doing something that they want to do. When in fact, "managing" someone is all about helping them acheive what they want. My fiance KNEW I wanted to get married, and he helped me work through any fears I had. He didn''t guilt me, he didn''t try to force anything -- his way of managing me was to simply listen, offer support, and assure me that we wouldn''r rush -- that was enough to send me right back into full wedding mode. You owe it to your partner to help them with any obstacles they might be facing -- marriage is such a big decision that a large array of fears can accompany that decision. Marriage to many people is a symbolic change in their life of growing up, starting a new chaper, etc. So if you know that your partner wants to get married but is facing some of those fears, I think that the right thing to do is help them with that if you can. You don''t have to coerce them, bribe them, or guilt them into marriage.
I think some of you are interpreting "managing" as tricking or coercing your partner into doing something that they want to do. When in fact, "managing" someone is all about helping them acheive what they want. My fiance KNEW I wanted to get married, and he helped me work through any fears I had. He didn''t guilt me, he didn''t try to force anything -- his way of managing me was to simply listen, offer support, and assure me that we wouldn''r rush -- that was enough to send me right back into full wedding mode. You owe it to your partner to help them with any obstacles they might be facing -- marriage is such a big decision that a large array of fears can accompany that decision. Marriage to many people is a symbolic change in their life of growing up, starting a new chaper, etc. So if you know that your partner wants to get married but is facing some of those fears, I think that the right thing to do is help them with that if you can. You don''t have to coerce them, bribe them, or guilt them into marriage.
Mara
Super_Ideal_Rock
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That is a great encapsulation of what I was trying to say Lindsay...thanks. It is not about tricking or bribing or anything like that.
I firmly believe there are often times when our mates want something and they just don''t know it! But as the other half, there are times when you really DO know that they want something but they can''t see through the trees to see the forest beyond. How do you help them get to that point where they have that epiphany and go AH HA! In this case I''m talking about engagements and marriage just because we''re in LIW and I see a lot of women who seemingly can''t get their men from point A to point B or maybe as it has been outlined here, they''d rather he just traveled that road on his own. But for my guy and many others, they need that nudge, that push, that reminder, that niggle to stay on path and keep going for the prize...whether it''s to get past fears to engagement, or take a leap and leave a steady old job for a new one they really want, or make a move from one career to the next etc.
I think it''s all about knowing your mate and knowing how to ''assist'' them when they need your help. Part of what relationships are in my mind is a teamwork...you work together to achieve goals. Sometimes the other partner may not know how to get from Point A to Point B or may be stuck somewhere along the way. Pull them out of the mud...and traverse on together.
I firmly believe there are often times when our mates want something and they just don''t know it! But as the other half, there are times when you really DO know that they want something but they can''t see through the trees to see the forest beyond. How do you help them get to that point where they have that epiphany and go AH HA! In this case I''m talking about engagements and marriage just because we''re in LIW and I see a lot of women who seemingly can''t get their men from point A to point B or maybe as it has been outlined here, they''d rather he just traveled that road on his own. But for my guy and many others, they need that nudge, that push, that reminder, that niggle to stay on path and keep going for the prize...whether it''s to get past fears to engagement, or take a leap and leave a steady old job for a new one they really want, or make a move from one career to the next etc.
I think it''s all about knowing your mate and knowing how to ''assist'' them when they need your help. Part of what relationships are in my mind is a teamwork...you work together to achieve goals. Sometimes the other partner may not know how to get from Point A to Point B or may be stuck somewhere along the way. Pull them out of the mud...and traverse on together.
Mandarine
Ideal_Rock
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I undesrtand what you guys mean...
I wish I knew how to provide that extra push without him feling I was pushing. I don''t think in my case he has any fears per say...he wants this, as much as I do, but not as soon as I do....so he''s trying to "manage" me into understanding why it should be later while I try to "manage" why I think it should be sooner!....meanwhile we both get frustrated and don''t get anywhere one way or the other!
I think I just need to relax. All this frustration I have right now is because I know that since we haven''t gotten engaged yet, we will most likely get married after hurricane season next year...so there would be no wedding prior to Nov. 2007 which depresses me because I thought it would be sooner (we only see each other on the weekends and ocassionally during the week...and I just can''t wait to just be able to be together every day!). He hasn''t broken any promises or has led me to believe that it was going to happen by now....so really, all the expectations were in my head. I told him this last night and he understands why it depresses me, but I don''t think he sees a few months as a big deal (before/after hurricane season).
Ok...I know I need to stop complaining and venting! I think once I start graduate school (October) I won''t have time to think about all this so much!
M~
I wish I knew how to provide that extra push without him feling I was pushing. I don''t think in my case he has any fears per say...he wants this, as much as I do, but not as soon as I do....so he''s trying to "manage" me into understanding why it should be later while I try to "manage" why I think it should be sooner!....meanwhile we both get frustrated and don''t get anywhere one way or the other!
I think I just need to relax. All this frustration I have right now is because I know that since we haven''t gotten engaged yet, we will most likely get married after hurricane season next year...so there would be no wedding prior to Nov. 2007 which depresses me because I thought it would be sooner (we only see each other on the weekends and ocassionally during the week...and I just can''t wait to just be able to be together every day!). He hasn''t broken any promises or has led me to believe that it was going to happen by now....so really, all the expectations were in my head. I told him this last night and he understands why it depresses me, but I don''t think he sees a few months as a big deal (before/after hurricane season).
Ok...I know I need to stop complaining and venting! I think once I start graduate school (October) I won''t have time to think about all this so much!
M~
Mara
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Mandarine...one thing that I used to my advantage (and still do sometimes when I am ''laying the groundwork'' for a future purchase) is to joke about it with small things here or there. We didn''t have big discussions or arguments about it. I wasn''t going to go there. We had the one ''talk'' and I just said I am not going to bother you or harass you about it, but you gotta know this is my timeline. I don''t think it''s unreasonable and I am not pushing you. Are you okay with this timeline. He was, and he was ready to propose before it was even reached. But we just had the one discussion and then I would drop reminders here and there like ''don''t forget to think about what we talked about a few weeks ago!'' or ''are you saving up for my big rock?'' or whatever....I just tried to keep that discussion somewhere near the front of his mind...because I know my guy and I know he gets distracted or loses track of time etc etc. Anyway, that is how I *managed* him. I knew he would not respond well to ''lets have a serious talk'' kinda thing or arguing about it. I just said we are only going to have this discussion once. And we stuck to it. And I think giving him that time helped us both in the end.
Anyway it''s not one size fits all definitely! But I think if you stop and maybe think about what you know about your man, you may know one or two things that might ''niggle'' him and remind him without you guys having to have the big convo or get into any sort of argument. You guys don''t have to be exactly on the same page for him to know what you feel. Just some thoughts.
Anyway it''s not one size fits all definitely! But I think if you stop and maybe think about what you know about your man, you may know one or two things that might ''niggle'' him and remind him without you guys having to have the big convo or get into any sort of argument. You guys don''t have to be exactly on the same page for him to know what you feel. Just some thoughts.
RoseAngel04
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Jun 8, 2006
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- 865
I hadn''t read this thread in awhile, and wow it has gotten a bit heated!!
Chrissy, I want to say that I COMPLETELY agree with you! I want my FF to propose when he is read etc., and I don''t/wouldn''t want to feel that I in any way "managed" him to pop the question. I am glad that you wrote your opinions. I have learned through this forum that I more often than not don''t necessarily agree with what the majority of the posters on PS.
And on that note...I think I am the first one (at least in the thread) who is not a supporter of living together before marriage. I am not by ANY means putting down others who chose to live with their bf of fi, but this isn''t even a consideration for me (along with my FF). The reason roots from my religious beliefs and strong morals. I honestly cannot wait to live with my bf, but also enjoy the anticipation of waiting until we are man and wife to live under the same roof. I know I know that so many people say "Hey you have to test drive the car before you buy it" but I''m sorry that just doesn''t work for us.
Mara
Super_Ideal_Rock
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bee*
Super_Ideal_Rock
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wow we have a great mix of opinions! I personally want to be involved with the ring picking. My boyfriend has amazing taste in jewellery but as something that I have to wear forever, I would like to pick it with him and I think that he is glad of that as it takes some of the pressure off him.
We decided that we were going to get the ring next year in New York. We were there in January and we had the talk as we had seen some gorgeous rings that day but we just werent financially ready to get engaged in January so we decided to go back next July. In Dublin we''ve had a look around some of the jewellers shops and they are very expensive compared to the states and I havent seen any styles that I am mad about. So that is how we got talking about where we will get the ring. I dont think that I "managed" him as such, but it was just a conversation about rings that turned into us returning next year. He is actually getting excited about it now and the other day in the pub he was rubbing my ring finger and saying this time next year there will be a nice ring there and it was great! Roll on next year. Im like you Mandarine in that I cant wait to start college in September as I wont have time to think about it then.
As far as living together, I do think that its important. I know of about ten relationships that were so solid before they moved in together and were sure they would be together for the rest of their lives, and they have split up now. I havent lived with D at home in Dublin,however I have lived with him abroad and the good thing is we get along better when we live together than we do normally. I cannot wait till we can afford a place.
We decided that we were going to get the ring next year in New York. We were there in January and we had the talk as we had seen some gorgeous rings that day but we just werent financially ready to get engaged in January so we decided to go back next July. In Dublin we''ve had a look around some of the jewellers shops and they are very expensive compared to the states and I havent seen any styles that I am mad about. So that is how we got talking about where we will get the ring. I dont think that I "managed" him as such, but it was just a conversation about rings that turned into us returning next year. He is actually getting excited about it now and the other day in the pub he was rubbing my ring finger and saying this time next year there will be a nice ring there and it was great! Roll on next year. Im like you Mandarine in that I cant wait to start college in September as I wont have time to think about it then.
As far as living together, I do think that its important. I know of about ten relationships that were so solid before they moved in together and were sure they would be together for the rest of their lives, and they have split up now. I havent lived with D at home in Dublin,however I have lived with him abroad and the good thing is we get along better when we live together than we do normally. I cannot wait till we can afford a place.
ladykemma
Ideal_Rock
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Mandarine
Ideal_Rock
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hehehe.,..this is by no means a heated thread!!!.....the lemon pie was never even served!!!!!!!!
I think the living together thing depends. I personally don''t want to do it, unless we''re just so close to getting married (plans in place, etc).
Mara - Thanks for the tips!,....I do use jokes for the most part and I think it works
M~
I think the living together thing depends. I personally don''t want to do it, unless we''re just so close to getting married (plans in place, etc).
Mara - Thanks for the tips!,....I do use jokes for the most part and I think it works
M~
ammayernyc
Brilliant_Rock
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- Dec 23, 2004
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I am definitely guilty of not managing my male. I wasn''t sure I wanted to get married (to him or to anyone) for a long time, so I never pushed the issue. Now that I''m sure, I push the issue but by saying little things instead of having a conversation.
I think with my particular male, I know he loves me and wants to be with me, but the thought of marriage freaks him out. I''m sure it''s for many reasons, two of which are his parents had a horrible marriage and that he''s having trouble letting go of that ''single guy'' attitude (although he hasn''t lived as a single guy for many years... just the thought of having to give it up is freaking him out).
I think with my particular male, I know he loves me and wants to be with me, but the thought of marriage freaks him out. I''m sure it''s for many reasons, two of which are his parents had a horrible marriage and that he''s having trouble letting go of that ''single guy'' attitude (although he hasn''t lived as a single guy for many years... just the thought of having to give it up is freaking him out).
diamondlove
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2006
- Messages
- 409
this is an interesting thread -- my gfs and I discuss this a lot bc we have girls around us who are in SUCH a hurry to get married that they give ultimatums or try their best to manipulate the guys into marriage that it''s really scary to watch.
I think that there is a difference between what the PSers on here are calling ''managing your male'' vs. manipulating the male into marriage but it''s a VERY fine line. I think that in some cases I agree with you who say that the guy is essentially ready but he just needs that nudge or that reminder that ''hey, I don''t want to date like this FOREVER even if you might be fine with it.'' some guys ARE slow and some are just LAZY. Those are the ones who need that nudge.
However, there are those girls (and you know who you are) who probably know deep down that their man is NOT ready for marriage and might not even be certain they want to marry YOU. I think those are the cases where it''s pretty wrong to force the guy into a proposal by throwing tantrums, giving ultimatums, etc bc that''s just asking for divorce.
Talking to a few post divorced male friends their response is that they were pretty unsure if they were doing the right thing when they proposed but they didn''t feel like they had a choice since they did love the girl and she was pushing for a proposal so hard that they felt like it was either breakup or propose and they weren''t quite ready to breakup either. How terrible would that be? I''d want my bf to be happy about proposing and wanted to do it on his own accord. NOT bc I told him to propose in 6 months or we''re over.
I think the fine line is very important because so many relationships fall apart for so many reasons that why bother rushing into marriage if you are just increasing your odds of ending up in divorce yrs down the road? I much rather be single than to go through that heartbreak. It''s not fair to the girl or the guy. I wouldn''t want any girl I cared about to marry a guy who wasn''t ENTHUSED about proposing and marrying her.
my .02,
DL
I think that there is a difference between what the PSers on here are calling ''managing your male'' vs. manipulating the male into marriage but it''s a VERY fine line. I think that in some cases I agree with you who say that the guy is essentially ready but he just needs that nudge or that reminder that ''hey, I don''t want to date like this FOREVER even if you might be fine with it.'' some guys ARE slow and some are just LAZY. Those are the ones who need that nudge.
However, there are those girls (and you know who you are) who probably know deep down that their man is NOT ready for marriage and might not even be certain they want to marry YOU. I think those are the cases where it''s pretty wrong to force the guy into a proposal by throwing tantrums, giving ultimatums, etc bc that''s just asking for divorce.
Talking to a few post divorced male friends their response is that they were pretty unsure if they were doing the right thing when they proposed but they didn''t feel like they had a choice since they did love the girl and she was pushing for a proposal so hard that they felt like it was either breakup or propose and they weren''t quite ready to breakup either. How terrible would that be? I''d want my bf to be happy about proposing and wanted to do it on his own accord. NOT bc I told him to propose in 6 months or we''re over.
I think the fine line is very important because so many relationships fall apart for so many reasons that why bother rushing into marriage if you are just increasing your odds of ending up in divorce yrs down the road? I much rather be single than to go through that heartbreak. It''s not fair to the girl or the guy. I wouldn''t want any girl I cared about to marry a guy who wasn''t ENTHUSED about proposing and marrying her.
my .02,
DL
firebirdgold
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 30, 2005
- Messages
- 2,216
I guess I''m very lucky. Fi brought up marriage with no prompting on my part and has always been very excited about the prospect. The biggest ''managing'' I''ve had to do was just being patient. He had his own timeline in that he wanted to be finished with grad school before really thinking about the engagement. It was hard to be patient since he didn''t want to talk about it, and (as some of you know) I got occasionally a bit paranoid. For us, the best way for me to help him achieve this was to do my best to stay out of his way until it was the right time. Turns out, he had been saving since last May!!
So much for my worries that he didn''t think it was important or had changed his mind.
On the moving in thing, during the first month of dating we had already discussed living together before marriage and agreed that we didn''t believe in doing so without the wedding being in the works. Previously I had wanted to live with my ex''s before getting engaged to see how it went. But after meeting my now fi, I realized that (for me and for him) I wouldn''t want to marry someone who needed a trial period. I''d only marry someone I was totally sure about, and quite frankly I was sure within that first month. While I''ve learned a lot about him since then, including his flaws, there hasn''t been a single thing to change my mind. We''re perfect for each other even if we''re not perfect!
Of course, my views on living together are not for everyone. It stems from my age and from my previous experiences and near misses with engagement. My sister is 5 years older than me and she wanted to move in with her now husband before saying yes.
And I have to admit, the fact that he knew I wouldn''t live together without a ring and a date, probably added a bit of ... incentive for him to get a move on. He started talking about moving in together as an imminent thing practically the day he bought the ring!
On the moving in thing, during the first month of dating we had already discussed living together before marriage and agreed that we didn''t believe in doing so without the wedding being in the works. Previously I had wanted to live with my ex''s before getting engaged to see how it went. But after meeting my now fi, I realized that (for me and for him) I wouldn''t want to marry someone who needed a trial period. I''d only marry someone I was totally sure about, and quite frankly I was sure within that first month. While I''ve learned a lot about him since then, including his flaws, there hasn''t been a single thing to change my mind. We''re perfect for each other even if we''re not perfect!
Of course, my views on living together are not for everyone. It stems from my age and from my previous experiences and near misses with engagement. My sister is 5 years older than me and she wanted to move in with her now husband before saying yes.
And I have to admit, the fact that he knew I wouldn''t live together without a ring and a date, probably added a bit of ... incentive for him to get a move on. He started talking about moving in together as an imminent thing practically the day he bought the ring!
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