emotional help, please...

[meresal]

Date: 5/13/2009 11:59:26 AM
Author: mscushion
meresal, I'm sorry. FI's brother sounds like a real jerk. I don't think his text reflects on your FI at all, just on himself.

That said, I hear you when you say you're nervous about risking the shaky peace with FMIL. I'd feel the same way and for that reason I'd probably let it pass without asking FBIL for an apology. Also, knowing that your FI agrees with you on the issue would also make me feel a whole lot better about it.

This is what I tend to think FI talked to his brother, he knows that it was unacceptable. I don't need to start crap by forcing a 23 yr old to apologize to me. It's over. Thanks for your input cushion.

LTStrawberries- What a horrible sitauation. I'm sorry to hear about that.
lliang- I'm just feeling like starting crap with his family 2 months before the wedding isn't worth it. C and I are getting married, there is nothing that his brother can say anymore. He just needs to grow up. The boy has never had a serious relationship. He'll realize one day. Thanks for your input though!

 

[meresal]

Date: 5/13/2009 3:07:46 PM
Author: CellarDoor
Give me a break, you are the one who is creating all of the drama. Something doesn''t add up about this bachelor party and you are blaming all of your fiance''s friends and his brother rather than pushing him to find out what really happened.

I would be LIVID if my fiance met up with another girl while he was out of town and got her phone number and sent her 30 text messages over the weekend because his intention was to meet up with her again. That is unacceptable in my relationship. I wouldn''t care if my fiance gave me some lame excuse that he was getting attention from his friends and that is why he did it. Maybe the two of you have an open relationship, but for some reason, I seriously doubt that.

So now you want an apology from his brother for some text message that you went snooping through his phone to find? Do you want your fiance to completely severe ties with his family or what? If you are choosing to trust your fiance about the bachelor party weekend then you need to drop it.

I am over the trip to Vegas. Our arguement last night had absolutely nothing to do with Vegas, and it wasn''t even brought up actually.

Yes, I am the one that found the text message, and it is my fault. However, I never expected this from the guy that is standing up for FI at our wedding. This has absolutely nothing to do with Vegas, it has to do with disrespect.

 

[Laila619]

Hi Meresal,

I''m so sorry you''re going through this. I''m going to be blunt though, and post a few things that I think are red flags:

1) Your fiance''s dad cheated on his mom with a stripper...he doesn''t have a very good role model when it comes to marital faithfulness unfortunately. If your fiance was determined to not end up the same way, I would think going to strip clubs would be the last thing he would do.

2) None of your fiance''s friends are married, in fact you call them ''partiers'' and drinkers. That isn''t going to bode well after you''re married, because your guy will want to naturally still go out with them but they probably won''t respect the fact that he''s married and can''t do certain things anymore. They are going to rag on him for being tied down with the old "ball and chain" probably. It helps when a man has many happily married friends as role models.

3) The Best Man is supposed to be someone who stands by you and encourages the two of you throughout your marriage. The fact that he''s having his little brother be his best man is troubling, when his brother clearly has NO respect for you or for the impending marriage.

I am really sorry you have to deal with this. I just thought I''d point out a few red flags that stuck out. It sounds like you''re ok with everything though. I just hope you''ll be happy. Every bride should be 110% sure on her wedding day.

 

[meresal]

Date: 5/13/2009 3:49:23 PM
Author: Laila619
Hi Meresal,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm going to be blunt though, and post a few things that I think are red flags:

1) Your fiance's dad cheated on his mom with a stripper...he doesn't have a very good role model when it comes to marital faithfulness unfortunately. If your fiance was determined to not end up the same way, I would think going to strip clubs would be the last thing he would do.

2) None of your fiance's friends are married, in fact you call them 'partiers' and drinkers. That isn't going to bode well after you're married, because your guy will want to naturally still go out with them but they probably won't respect the fact that he's married and can't do certain things anymore. They are going to rag on him for being tied down with the old 'ball and chain' probably. It helps when a man has many happily married friends as role models.

3) The Best Man is supposed to be someone who stands by you and encourages the two of you throughout your marriage. The fact that he's having his little brother be his best man is troubling, when his brother clearly has NO respect for you or for the impending marriage.

I am really sorry you have to deal with this. I just thought I'd point out a few red flags that stuck out. It sounds like you're ok with everything though. I just hope you'll be happy. Every bride should be 110% sure on her wedding day.

and I am. Thanks

1- C is determined not to be like his dad. He doesn't go to strip clubs unless it is someone elses bachelor party, or, well obviously, his own. This doesn't bother me. What did bother me, was knowing that his dad went along... yuck. FI actually told me that it completely weirded him out to be there with his dad.
2- It's tough only having a freind or two that are married, but they tend to hang out with eachother when they go out. But a few of them have to be the first ones... right?
3- His younger brother is the Best Man becuase your only brother is "supposed" to be. His brother is a punk, and their relationship has been strained the last few months since he started working at the company. It's tough, but has to be done to avoid drama.

Blunt is fine. I can handle it.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Yes, I am the one that found the text message, and it is my fault.

Had to chime in here..nothing in this situation is your fault unless I've missed something.

 

[Bia]

Dads joining their sons at strip clubs is something that I cannot understand. Ick!

Years ago my FI went to his cousin's bachelor party, and their mutual uncle went along. FI accidentally walked in on his married uncle being 'serviced' by a stripper. He was only 18 at the time and he was scarred by that memory. Now he laughs it off, but he has told me that whatever high opinions he had of his uncle's integrity disappeared that day.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

um. I am sorry. If that were me - I would demote the brother in law and kick his ass out of the bridal party. I don't care about family drama... It is your wedding day - and the best man has no respect for you. If you FI can't understand that - then he has issues. If that were my FI, he would have no problem putting his younger bro in his place and telling him he can't be best man anymore. Your FI is the OLDER brother - he needs to hold his ground. Yes, he is family.. but you are going to be his WIFE. You should come first now... You are the one who is going to be by his side for the rest of his life. His brother does not respect you or your relationship... He should not be the best man. He is going to make you angry on your wedding day... And given this is his personality and this isn't the first time he says something cheeky - I can just imagine what he might say or do at the wedding. I really hope he isn't giving a speech!

And if your mother in law is so self-centered she can't understand why you would be insulted by her son's behavior - she is pretty dumb... Any woman would sympathize... And if she doesn't - do you really care to have her on your side? She doesn't sound like someone I would want to be too close with... Regardless whether this is her son, he did something DUMB and should be on your side with this. At the very least, she should be able to sympathize without taking sides if she really was a smart and mature person...

It is really great that you can come here on pricescope and talk to us about this stuff - and I am very sorry you are going through all this drama - but honestly - you need to stand up for yourself and take charge! don't let all these people walk all over you and disrespect you! It sounds to me like you are 1) getting mad at the situ, 2) exploding on FI, 3) feeling bad about exploding on FI and start to feel guilty then 4) start to self-blame and push things under the rug. It is obvious there are some trust issues here (which is completely normal given the situation)... so now you need to work on fixing these issues. You are clearly checking you FI's cell phone for texts... why? Are you really over what happened? Are you SURE you trust him? If I felt I had to check my FI's phone or emails, I would seriously consider counselling. That is a huge marker for an unhealthy relationship.... I am not saying every realtionship is perfect - no one has a perfect relationship and there will always be trust issues at times - but please don't ignore what is going on right now and go in to denial. You have to address these issues now before they get worse...

 

[bee*]

I''m sorry to hear that his little brother sent that text. That is definitely really disrespectful. I know what you''re saying about not wanting to rock the boat with your FMIL though by saying something to him. It sounds like he needs to grow up though. I hear you about the engagement thing too-D is 28 and they still treat him like he''s 2 and I think that his family are shocked he''s getting married! We''re together ten years, what did they expect would happen!

 

[meresal]

Date: 5/13/2009 4:38:14 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite

It is really great that you can come here on pricescope and talk to us about this stuff - and I am very sorry you are going through all this drama - but honestly - you need to stand up for yourself and take charge! don''t let all these people walk all over you and disrespect you! It sounds to me like you are 1) getting mad at the situ, 2) exploding on FI, 3) feeling bad about exploding on FI and start to feel guilty then 4) start to self-blame and push things under the rug. It is obvious there are some trust issues here (which is completely normal given the situation)... so now you need to work on fixing these issues. You are clearly checking you FI''s cell phone for texts... why? Are you really over what happened? Are you SURE you trust him? If I felt I had to check my FI''s phone or emails, I would seriously consider counselling. That is a huge marker for an unhealthy relationship.... I am not saying every realtionship is perfect - no one has a perfect relationship and there will always be trust issues at times - but please don''t ignore what is going on right now and go in to denial. You have to address these issues now before they get worse...

ILTS, thank you for your post. Regarding checking the texts, this is something I never do. I did that on Wednesday of last week, and haven''t checked it since. I just felt like there was something missing. I do trust him. We have discussed the counseling thing, and I''ll touch on that later tonight. I totally hear everything you are saying. Thank you.

I''ll post again later this evening. I have to leave work and we have softball games, but I am going to come back!

 

[CellarDoor]

Ha ha, it is so funny to hear you talking about respect. On this thread alone, you have called his brother a "complete idiot", a "d-bag", a "womanizer" and a "punk". You have repeatedly trashed your fiance''s mother on this board as well, which I do not understand, she sounds like a very kind and generous woman.

Disrespectful behavior, to me, includes trashing people all over the internets, and including enough photos and information about yourself where the people who you are trashing could possibly see it at some point. You do realize that this is a public board, don''t you.

 

[dreaming of the day]

Mer,
I am so happy that your dress turned out perfect and I can''t wait to see your bridal shots!

I am also happy that you were able to trust C and move on from the Vegas thing. By the sounds of it your FBIL sounds extremely immature. Yes it sucks that he so obviously doesn''t respect you, but think positive and just remember you are going to be standing in between your best friend and your FI at the alter. It is C that has to stand beside his brother, and if that''s what he is willing to do than let him. I don''t have to deal with that problem, as I have an amazing FSIL, but if I were in your shoes I would be pretty upset by it all. I am sure that eventually the little demon (FBIL) will grow up, and meet a woman that he wants to marry (this may be waaaay in the future), and perhaps then he will see that an apology is in order.

Just remember in less than 80 days you get to be a stunning bride (with gorgeous shoes) and marry the man of your dreams, so focus on that. Good for you for bringing it up with FI though. I would try and have lunch with the FIL''s, and perhaps voice your concern over the feelings in being accepted/respected, but don''t go too into it - keep it light. Show a concern and genuine dissapointment - not resentment or anger.

As for CellarDoor''s post - don''t even bother responding, just forget it. There always has to be someone on a thread that needs to be negative and put the OP down.

Poo on you CellarDoor. You are allowed to share your feelings Mer, and we understand being in situations like that can be really upsetting. I would call them names too!

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 5/13/2009 4:55:35 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 5/13/2009 4:38:14 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite

It is really great that you can come here on pricescope and talk to us about this stuff - and I am very sorry you are going through all this drama - but honestly - you need to stand up for yourself and take charge! don''t let all these people walk all over you and disrespect you! It sounds to me like you are 1) getting mad at the situ, 2) exploding on FI, 3) feeling bad about exploding on FI and start to feel guilty then 4) start to self-blame and push things under the rug. It is obvious there are some trust issues here (which is completely normal given the situation)... so now you need to work on fixing these issues. You are clearly checking you FI''s cell phone for texts... why? Are you really over what happened? Are you SURE you trust him? If I felt I had to check my FI''s phone or emails, I would seriously consider counselling. That is a huge marker for an unhealthy relationship.... I am not saying every realtionship is perfect - no one has a perfect relationship and there will always be trust issues at times - but please don''t ignore what is going on right now and go in to denial. You have to address these issues now before they get worse...

ILTS, thank you for your post. Regarding checking the texts, this is something I never do. I did that on Wednesday of last week, and haven''t checked it since. I just felt like there was something missing. I do trust him. We have discussed the counseling thing, and I''ll touch on that later tonight. I totally hear everything you are saying. Thank you.

I''ll post again later this evening. I have to leave work and we have softball games, but I am going to come back!

If I were in your shoes, I would totally be doing all the same things! I would be checking his phone and be very insecure... I am happy to hear you are going to work on moving past all this. My only advice is to confront the problems head on and not ignore them or sweep them under the rug. I think as long as you confront them as a team you two can easily get through these issues... including the snarky brother in law. Looking forward to reading more posts and updates from you later.

 

[sunnyd]

CellarDoor, there''s no need to be so rude...

 

[diamondseeker2006]

You are doing the right thing to let the issue go with the FBIL. It''s a no win situation to deal with it further.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 5/13/2009 4:55:35 PM
Author: meresal
ILTS, thank you for your post. Regarding checking the texts, this is something I never do. I did that on Wednesday of last week, and haven''t checked it since. I just felt like there was something missing. I do trust him. We have discussed the counseling thing, and I''ll touch on that later tonight. I totally hear everything you are saying. Thank you.

I''ll post again later this evening. I have to leave work and we have softball games, but I am going to come back!

Meresal, these things do not add up. What I''m hearing is that you are still not comfortable with what happened and so you feel the need to check your fiance''s phone, again, and you find an inappropriate message which sends you over the edge, again, even though you felt as though you were moving on. What his brother did was wrong, but your reaction is compounded by the fact that you aren''t really over what happened. You''re getting married come hell or high water so it''s easier to be angry with your future brother-in-law than your fiance. I really hope you and your fiance continue to talk about what has happened and how to ensure it won''t happen again (especially since all of his friends aren''t married, which means there are more bachelor parties in his (and your) future.

 

[House Cat]

We should never judge a person by their parent''s actions. I know plenty of people who have seen their parent''s actions and used them as the example of what NOT to be. I know plenty of people who have been completely traumatized by their parent''s cheating and have never cheated in their life because of it!

I''m not sure I would want to cause an entire family feud over FBIL''s immaturity. Rise above it Meresal. He can''t be what he''s not. YOU recognize that he''s immature, that''s all you need. He has no real influence over your FI. BUT I think it would be incredibly painful for FI not to have his brother there as his best man at his wedding.

 

[FrekeChild]

I agree with Kimberly on this one. Your words are saying that you trust him, but your actions aren't.

You can tell yourself (and us) that you trust him until you're blue in the face, but when it comes down to it, you still had that inkling that something wasn't right. And it's not that you didn't trust him, it's that you don't anymore. Because he gave you a reason to not trust him with Vegas. And he did--otherwise this thread wouldn't exist.

I also think you are deflecting the blame onto FBIL that you want to hold against your FI. Yeah he did a really crappy thing, and I don't think he should stand up there for FI on your wedding day because he's obviously not supportive of your relationship, but I don't think your reading his text had anything to do with him.

The lack of trust brought you to look at his phone. Words don't negate actions--on either of your parts. And that's ok. It just takes work to get back where you were before--and probably even better than you were before it happened. It's just another one of those things that is testing your relationship.

Much love and hugs to you Mer. I think that this can make you guys stronger, but it's not going to happen overnight.

 

[Bliss]

FBIL is a child. You know, I would not blame FI so much over this. Sometimes you cannot control family members. They can do and say outrageous things that do not in any way reflect on your FI or your relationship. It''s a case by case basis of deciding when to step in and put in some strong boundaries up or not. I know in my case, I would be VERY MAD if DH had a younger brother who would do that.

One, I''d be mad because he was disrespecting our relationship and me. Two, I would be mad because I''d assume DH would allow this type of destructive talk to happen. Anyone who knows DH knows NOT to do or say things that are disrespectful of our relationship because they know how important it is to him and they wouldn''t dare. They just would never dare. It''d be like calling his favorite sacred sports team a bunch of sissy poos. LOL. It''d be like spitting on a sacred statue or photo of the baby Jesus. They wouldn''t dare do it. So if it happened, I''d assume his behavior in some way conveyed that such a horrible thing were permissible.

BUT... family members are a different story. You can''t hold others responsible for their crazy family members. If they let it happen, that''s one thing. But if it happens and your FI doesn''t subscribe to it, agrees it''s horrible and would NEVER do such a thing - well, every family has that rodent member that you have to grin and bear. I guess FBIL is the furry family member!

 

[katamari]

Date: 5/13/2009 8:48:19 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I agree with Kimberly on this one. Your words are saying that you trust him, but your actions aren''t.


You can tell yourself (and us) that you trust him until you''re blue in the face, but when it comes down to it, you still had that inkling that something wasn''t right. And it''s not that you didn''t trust him, it''s that you don''t anymore. Because he gave you a reason to not trust him with Vegas. And he did--otherwise this thread wouldn''t exist.


I also think you are deflecting the blame onto FBIL that you want to hold against your FI. Yeah he did a really crappy thing, and I don''t think he should stand up there for FI on your wedding day because he''s obviously not supportive of your relationship, but I don''t think your reading his text had anything to do with him.


The lack of trust brought you to look at his phone. Words don''t negate actions--on either of your parts. And that''s ok. It just takes work to get back where you were before--and probably even better than you were before it happened. It''s just another one of those things that is testing your relationship.


Much love and hugs to you Mer. I think that this can make you guys stronger, but it''s not going to happen overnight.

I couldn''t have said this better. More hugs to you Mere! You will get through this.

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 5/13/2009 3:49:23 PM
Author: Laila619
Hi Meresal,

I''m so sorry you''re going through this. I''m going to be blunt though, and post a few things that I think are red flags:

1) Your fiance''s dad cheated on his mom with a stripper...he doesn''t have a very good role model when it comes to marital faithfulness unfortunately. If your fiance was determined to not end up the same way, I would think going to strip clubs would be the last thing he would do.

2) None of your fiance''s friends are married, in fact you call them ''partiers'' and drinkers. That isn''t going to bode well after you''re married, because your guy will want to naturally still go out with them but they probably won''t respect the fact that he''s married and can''t do certain things anymore. They are going to rag on him for being tied down with the old ''ball and chain'' probably. It helps when a man has many happily married friends as role models.

3) The Best Man is supposed to be someone who stands by you and encourages the two of you throughout your marriage. The fact that he''s having his little brother be his best man is troubling, when his brother clearly has NO respect for you or for the impending marriage.

I am really sorry you have to deal with this. I just thought I''d point out a few red flags that stuck out. It sounds like you''re ok with everything though. I just hope you''ll be happy. Every bride should be 110% sure on her wedding day.

This is something that would have me worried. These men seem to have very little repsect for the sanctity of marriage, or any respect for you for that matter.

It sounds like your FI wants to do the right thing by you, but is easily influenced by peer pressure from his friends.

I hope that you guys are able to start regaining the trust in your relationship and work your way past all of this

 

[loriken214]

Date: 5/13/2009 4:21:35 PM
Author: Bia
Dads joining their sons at strip clubs is something that I cannot understand. Ick!

Years ago my FI went to his cousin''s bachelor party, and their mutual uncle went along. FI accidentally walked in on his married uncle being ''serviced'' by a stripper. He was only 18 at the time and he was scarred by that memory. Now he laughs it off, but he has told me that whatever high opinions he had of his uncle''s integrity disappeared that day.

Lori

 

[meresal]

Cellar- Lovely to see you again

. Respect is something that is earned, and I''ll leave it at that. Yes, I know this is a public board. You haven''t been around long enough to know what used to go on between myself and my FMIL. Everything changed when FI and I got engaged. She has been a wonderful person since last August, and I openly admit that.
DOD, ILTS- Thank you for posting again. I will be sure to keep updating.
diamondseeker- That is the conclusion I came to, and it seemed that I got my point across well enough to FI. (see update below)
KimberlyH, Freke, and katamari- I have to apologize... that post was a jump from past to present and back again. Last week, before deciding to get over it, when I checked FI''s phone I indeed did not trust him. I knew there was something I wasn''t being told. Hence, I checked the phone, and we talked about it. Now, as of the end of last week, I definitely do trust him. FI has been good about talking about everything whenever I feel liek I need to. I have also been trying hard not to reply on FI''s assurances anytime it crosses my mind. Like you said, there is a reason that it keeps popping up, and we are dealing with those things. I have realized that last week was the calm after the storm. Everything looks pleasant but you don''t even realize what is still there. Now we are into the serious talking. About why it happened, and how to make sure it doesn''t again. Just like you all are saying. Thanks for posting!!
House_cat- That is exactly how FI feels about it. And the family fued would be a big one. I decided not to press the issue, but it did work itself out. (see below)
Bliss- Thank you for that. It''s amazing to me what family members think they can get away with, and then add alcohol.
Danielle- I understand that it''s hard to see why only a few of my FI''s friends are married, but when you think about it, at least 2 or 3 of the guys have to be the first. Ya know? His friends are still very much young at heart, and FI is influencable. I get it. However, I believe him when he says nothing happened, and I know he knows what lines not to cross. That''s good enough for me. We just had to clear up the line where it involves not getting other girls numbers, even if they are getting married themselves.

So, here''s my update...
Last night, I got home and C and I talked before heading to our softball game. I asked him point blank, "Do you think your brother is happy for us." He thought, and said, "Honestly, I do. He''s just immature and has never known what it''s like to see yourself with the same person for the rest of your life." I get that.
He then proceeded to tell me that he took his brother to lunch to talk about the text message again, since he blew him off before. He asked him why in the world he would send him somthing so assanine? His brother said that he wanted him to get crazy that weekend, but never intended for Chris to act upon the text. He has no idea why he sent it, and didn''t want Chris to do that. Chris told him how upset he and I are becuase of it, and told him that an apology was in order. He apologized to FI at lunch and they went back to work. I was/am very happy that C took it upon himself to push the issue with his brother. It was very important to me, that C let his family know that that is not acceptable, and I had every right to be mad. He set the line, and hopefully we will never have a problem with it again.
So last night, when I get to Chris''s softball game, which was after our co-ed one, FBIL avoided me like the plague. C says that he''s frightened, and it seemed that way. He usually comes up and gives me a hug, but we didn''t so much as share a glance. I think he will apologize when he feels comfortable, but he did apologize to FI, so that is fine with me. Like you all said earlier, a forced apology is never followed by gratification.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 5/13/2009 8:48:19 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I agree with Kimberly on this one. Your words are saying that you trust him, but your actions aren''t.

You can tell yourself (and us) that you trust him until you''re blue in the face, but when it comes down to it, you still had that inkling that something wasn''t right. And it''s not that you didn''t trust him, it''s that you don''t anymore. Because he gave you a reason to not trust him with Vegas. And he did--otherwise this thread wouldn''t exist.

I also think you are deflecting the blame onto FBIL that you want to hold against your FI. Yeah he did a really crappy thing, and I don''t think he should stand up there for FI on your wedding day because he''s obviously not supportive of your relationship, but I don''t think your reading his text had anything to do with him.

The lack of trust brought you to look at his phone. Words don''t negate actions--on either of your parts. And that''s ok. It just takes work to get back where you were before--and probably even better than you were before it happened. It''s just another one of those things that is testing your relationship.

Much love and hugs to you Mer. I think that this can make you guys stronger, but it''s not going to happen overnight.

HUGE DITTO!!!

Stop blaming yourself, too. Please. You had nothing to do with what happened...and the fall out from it is 100% your FI''s fault. You shouldn''t be sorry for being offended, hurt and put off. If my BIL was suggesting my DH take another girl on a date, it would be a murder/suicide situation for him and me. There are some things that are excusable...and there are some deal breakers. IF it were me, I wouldn''t did a flying f about my MIL and her feelings...I would kick FBIL out of the wedding so fast it would make his head spin...you and your FI are family...and it''s right there in the vows how important that is --- I think it''s something about letting no man come between you. If your FBIL can''t/won''t respect that, then he has no business standing up for you FI. None, whatsoever. By the way, my blood is boiling and I''m all 10 shades of

 

[NakedFinger]

Mere- I am sure you are sick of this thread about now huh?

I am just going to say that I agree with you coming on the site and posting this issue, rather than discussing it with friends and family. We can form judgments yes, but at least you don’t see us every day in your life. If things work out and you guys get married, then your family/friends would always have this to hang over your heads. That being said, I have been noticing you are responding to/acknowledging the posts that seem to be in you FI’s favor, and are doing a lot of defending towards the ones that remark in a negative light. This is obviously your prerogative, and understandable because you love this man, and as I said before, you know your fiancé, and only you can make the final decisions with how you feel and your relationship.

However, there is something I would like to just put out there, and hope you at least read it and let it marinate for a moment. You said earlier:

“ETA: Here's the thing. I'm not willing to call off our wedding over what could be in some texts, so why would I put myself thru looking at them? Like I stated earlier, texts are a far better form of communication than talking over the phone, IMO. I'm not worried about the content, I believe him that it was honest. To me, unless this is something that I am willing to leave over, then I don't need to know. He knows he messed up, and we have enough to overcome at this point. I'm fine starting from here.”

Like many others have said “it seems like you are getting married come hell or high water, so whats the point?”

So my one question I want to put out there is…if your wedding wasn’t coming up so soon, or lets say you were still BF/GF and weren’t engaged/planning a wedding yet, would this be something you would leave over? If not, and your reaction now is the same as it would be “pre-wedding planning”, then you are fine. However, please don’t sweep it under the rug, accept it, deny how you are really feeling, or ignore the problem, just because you are getting married and you don’t want to cancel your wedding.

I will quote myself from my previous post (never thought I would do that before! Lol)

Date: 5/5/2009 11:19:34 AM
Author: NakedFinger
meresal- I just wanted to say sorry for the situation you are in, and you know your fiance and whether you can trust him or not. I may be a little extreme...but I think all of it is cheating. Stip clubs, hitting on other girls, talking via text, etc. To me, there can me emotional cheating, it doesnt have to just be physical and its disrespectful. I know I am VERY extreme on this, and dont expect many others to feel the same way (Feel free to make fun of me

). So I am probably the wrong person to give advice on this!

I just want to point out what others have as well, which is the reaction he had of crying and such, woukld bug me. Because he thought it extreme enough to loose you. I think if he had nothing to hide, or didnt think it was a big deal, he would have been like 'WTF, what is your deal?'

I am not saying he did anything you should be worried about, I just want to make sure you think about it long and hard. I have seen too many girls brush away things problems/issues/drama because its right before their wedding (and I mean ALOT of girls) only to have the issue resurface afterwards and cause problems in the marriage and even divorce.

It seems that you too have worked it out, that your GUT instinct was accurate (always trust your gut) that you had nothign to worry about, and that the two of you will be fine. But just make sure you have NO reservations, doubts, or a bad taste in your mouth before the wedding. If you do, then make sure everything is cleared up prior to the big day.

Thank you for telling us and allowing us to give you impartial advice and not being afraid to open up about your FI in fear of how thigns would be viewed. Thats what we're here for!

BTW: THIS is why I hate bachelor parties!!! lol

Every friend I know that had problems or unresolved concern/issues before their wedding, have gotten divorced less than a year later. They had concerns, said “im getting married!!” or “Its too late now” and proceeded with the wedding, only to have those issue intensify post-marriage, and subsequently end in divorce 6 months later. Also, I am a wedding planner, and have had my fair share of weddings called off, as well as girls with concerns and thoughts of cancelling but ended up going through with it anyway, and follow up from them with “it didn’t work out”. So I just want you to think about this. Because in your posts, I get the sense that you are more concerned with proceeding with your wedding, that dealing with this issue at hand. However, if I am wrong please correct me. Again, I just want to make sure you are 1-million percent OVER this, before proceeding (which the reason I say this is because it seems you are still sore about it, and having trust issues). Because if you dont deal with it before hand, it will just cause problems later.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 5/13/2009 8:48:19 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I agree with Kimberly on this one. Your words are saying that you trust him, but your actions aren''t.


You can tell yourself (and us) that you trust him until you''re blue in the face, but when it comes down to it, you still had that inkling that something wasn''t right. And it''s not that you didn''t trust him, it''s that you don''t anymore. Because he gave you a reason to not trust him with Vegas. And he did--otherwise this thread wouldn''t exist.


I also think you are deflecting the blame onto FBIL that you want to hold against your FI. Yeah he did a really crappy thing, and I don''t think he should stand up there for FI on your wedding day because he''s obviously not supportive of your relationship, but I don''t think your reading his text had anything to do with him.


The lack of trust brought you to look at his phone. Words don''t negate actions--on either of your parts. And that''s ok. It just takes work to get back where you were before--and probably even better than you were before it happened. It''s just another one of those things that is testing your relationship.


Much love and hugs to you Mer. I think that this can make you guys stronger, but it''s not going to happen overnight.

Very well said,

I''m sorry meresal. It''s ok if you feel insecure, and if don''t trust him right now. What he did on Vegas had damaged the relationship, but not for long if you don''t want. You need really to move on, talk to him as much as you can, but you have to stop looking at his phone, e-mails, etc, that it''s not respectful. If you want to have a respectful relationship, you have to start for yourself.

Good look, and tried to focus your energy and the wedding and FI, and not in other people.

 

[mrscushion]

I just wanted to come back and say that I think you''ve handled this thread extremely well, meresal. Kudos.

 

[meresal]

Naked- Thank you for posting. I hope it doesn't look like I am only replying to positive posts. It seems to me, that with the exception of Cellar, who I have responded to each time she posted, most people that don't agree with how I handled/am handling it, have stopped posting. I get that. I've done it before. There were so many posts the first day of this thread that I just couldn't reply to everyone, but I did read them.
I'm not getting tired of this thread, but I have had the feelings that maybe it isn't allowing me to get over the whole issue as quickly as I could. Just to let you know, I have since discussed this with my family. I just wasn't comfortable talking about it with them while I was so emotional. My mom, sister, her husband, and MOH. They all know, and if my mom thought I was in a bad situation she would be the first to tell me.

As far as marriages not lasting after going in with doubts, I completely hear you and will promise to consider what you have siad. I want you to know that I am not blinded from reality. I have a sister that has been divorced and another sister that has a husband that is about as FAR from perfect as they get, for the last 5 years you would think they were going thru a divorce, but only recently began fixing thier marriage. I see it first hand, and I know how bad it can be. Though, hear me out. What would I be leaving over? He didn't cheat on me. I'd be giving up happiness because he made a mistake by getting a bachelorette's number at the request of other people (Ok, I KNOW this sounds much worse when I type it out, than when I say it in my head.) and has some friends that still act like 18 yr olds. I think there are alot of people that would not leave a relationship over that. Right?

I really appreciate your post, and will take to heart everything you have said. You seen it many more times than the average person, and that says something. Thank you.

ETA: Sorry, I forgot to answer your "one" question. lol. As far as whether or not I would leave if we were only BF/GF, I cannot answer that. If we were gf/bf for like 3 months, yes, I would leave and never look back, because how am I to know that that isn't how he always is. However, once you are with someone for 3 yrs and known them for almost 7 and you have never ever come across anything like this in our entire relationship and seen him in prior relationships where fidelity has never been an issue, I think it's a completely different mindset. Does that make sense?

 

[nyc7782]

Date: 5/14/2009 12:06:54 PM
Author: meresal
Naked- Thank you for posting. I hope it doesn''t look like I am only replying to positive posts. It seems to me, that with the exception of Cellar, who I have responded to each time she posted, most people that don''t agree with how I handled/am handling it, have stopped posting. I get that. I''ve done it before. There were so many posts the first day of this thread that I just couldn''t reply to everyone, but I did read them.
I''m not getting tired of this thread, but I have had the feelings that maybe it isn''t allowing me to get over the whole issue as quickly as I could. Just to let you know, I have since discussed this with my family. I just wasn''t comfortable talking about it with them while I was so emotional. My mom, sister, her husband, and MOH. They all know, and if my mom thought I was in a bad situation she would be the first to tell me.

As far as marriages not lasting after going in with doubts, I completely hear you and will promise to consider what you have siad. I want you to know that I am not blinded from reality. I have a sister that has been divorced and another sister that has a husband that is about as FAR from perfect as they get, for the last 5 years you would think they were going thru a divorce, but only recently began fixing thier marriage. I see it first hand, and I know how bad it can be. Though, hear me out. What would I be leaving over? He didn''t cheat on me. I''d be giving up happiness because he made a mistake by getting a bachelorette''s number at the request of other people (Ok, I KNOW this sounds much worse when I type it out, than when I say it in my head.) and has some friends that still act like 18 yr olds. I think there are alot of people that would not leave a relationship over that. Right?

I really appreciate your post, and will take to heart everything you have said. You seen it many more times than the average person, and that says something. Thank you.

Actually, it really doesn''t sound so bad when you say it like that. I hardly ever comment here and never on posts like this, but I want to say I agree with you and think you have acted totally normally. Yes, it sucks what he did--but he didn''t cheat and didn''t do anything unforgiveable at all. I used to get so upset thinking about FI going out and worrying that he might flirt with a girl. But then I realized, so what if he does? It''s not like I have never talked to a guy when I''m out. It''s another thing if he is constantly out flirting--but that does not seem to be the case with your FI. So yeah, it sucks, but in the scheme of things not such a big deal and you guys are doing the right thing by talking about it and workign through it. Anyway, that all. Good luck with everything!

 

[meresal]

Date: 5/14/2009 11:51:06 AM
Author: gaby06

I''m sorry meresal. It''s ok if you feel insecure, and if don''t trust him right now. What he did on Vegas had damaged the relationship, but not for long if you don''t want. You need really to move on, talk to him as much as you can, but you have to stop looking at his phone, e-mails, etc, that it''s not respectful. If you want to have a respectful relationship, you have to start for yourself.

Good look, and tried to focus your energy and the wedding and FI, and not in other people.

I understand that it isn''t respectful to do those things. I felt horrible for doing it, and I think that was another reason I was having such a problem with having the texts printed out. It just isn''t something that I do.
Focusing on FI and I being happy is my number one concern. Thanks!

mscushion- Thank you.

 

[motownmama]

I think the brother''s post was just stupid and immature. Your guy never responded to it.