Ering blues....

[RaiKai]

That this is only your second disagreement does not diminish the concern. Disagreements are healthy if couples resolve them healthily in a respectful and loving manner. They show that they are still curious about one another and still individuals!

Many couples who claim they never fight never do as they fear conflict. Instead they diminish their own needs and become resentful.

Never mind that if you marry your life ahead is full of major decisions like where to live, how to raise children if you have them, how to spend time with in laws, how to prioritize family and career, how to save and spend etc. These are things to be talked about now and continously! My husband and I would not have beeb comfortable getting married before we talked about these and numerous other things - and if we did not communicate our stresses including about finances in an open ongoing way that would also have been a holdback.

There is something amiss in communication if you only found out about his financial stress now and in the way you found out. Don''t brush it off as minor or normal...it is not a good foundation for a healthy marriage if you two do not have a open and honest ongoing dialogue about yourselves and your lives including the less fun stuff!

I see your response and his to this alarming. It does not look like a full glass from here.

 

[redhead02]

Would you be happy with a very small diamond? Because if so, I''m sure you guys can find something that will fit the budget AND be something you love. I get the money issue, I really do. I just think it''s odd that he''s so into HIS thoughts about shapes of diamonds and HIS wedding ring, yet dismisses yours as too expensive. And it doesn''t make sense that the engagement ring he likes was more expensive than the one you like, yet it''s all about money. Maybe I''m not 100% understanding the situation (I''m probably not) but again it seems like he''s making this whole thing about him.

Do you know his budget? If you did, perhaps you could find a few things YOU love in that price range and then show him some pictures and then let him choose? That way it''s within his price range AND he gets to feel like he''s a part of it BUT you get your imput to

Originally I thought I''d contribute to the cost, and so was hoping for a 1ct with a custom setting. But seriously, I''m happy to go down in size if he feels that he needs to pay it all, and I''m going to let him know that at some point in the next few days.

We went to look at rings and he really liked emeralds, cushions with trapezoid sides, or ovals with half-moon sides. Especially the latter two, and I was like ....um, 3 stone rings are more expensive honey! What I was aiming for was 1 stone, with some ''half-halos'' framing it from below. Maybe that would cost more than I was thinking since it''s custom, but we never got far enough to get a pricing on that.

His budget is $5000, or at least it was when we went looking together. I told him yesterday to take a step back and spend whatever he actually thinks is reasonable, so now I don''t know if he''ll still want to spend that much.

I think he also freaked because the lady at the store showed us a 1.05 ct oval that was $6600. Overpriced in my opinion, and I told him so afterward but it didn''t seem to make him feel better. I''ve done searches here on PS that yielded 1 ct ovals with reasonable stats for ~ $3000.

Even so, $3000 is probably still too much when combined with a custom setting and still having to think about the wedding band. Sorry, we hadn''t gotten too much into the specifics yet so I''m a bit disorganized about this.

 

[redhead02]

Never mind that if you marry your life ahead is full of major decisions like where to live, how to raise children if you have them, how to spend time with in laws, how to prioritize family and career, how to save and spend etc. These are things to be talked about now and continously!

We actually do all the time That''s part of why this whole thing has been so hard for me. We scheme and discuss the future all the time. And sure, we have little disagreements and debates here and there. Sometimes he wins, sometimes I do. I''ve never felt that he constantly has to have his way.

Since we haven''t fought much, on major things, it was an unpleasant surprise. And magnified by the fact that it ruined a process that is supposed to be fun and special. I think I caved early because of the sensitivity of cost and not wanting to be materialistic. I do think he should compromise with me more on the look of it and I''m going to talk to him about that.

 

[RaiKai]

I guess what I am tring to say is it is not about you winning some of the time and him winning some of the time. In marriage you two need to work together and respect both your interests, needs and wants.It is not a place for keeping score in other words.

Good luck and I hope you can find a ring you both love in your budget!

 

[RaiKai]

*trying.

 

[redhead02]

Wouldn''t have added on to this thread, but since there were developments, I wanted to share. After hearing from everyone, and talking to another friend of mine, I had a big talk with the man last Wednesday night. I told him that it concerned me that he didn''t seem to want my input on the ring, that I''d never considered not getting him something that would express his individuality. I told him to take cost off the table, to set a price that seemed reasonable to him, but that it was important that he cared enough to try and figure out what I liked, to take some general guidelines.

It turns out that he was very surprised I''d gone away with the impression that he wasn''t going to my input. He apologized and indicated that he did definitely want a list of aspects that I liked, and that he would stay within them. He just wanted to be more a part of the process than the money, so that it really would be more of a gift from him, and not just me spec-ing out what I want and giving him the SKU number, essentially. All of which makes total sense to me.

We talked about a lot more that I won''t bore you with, including a much more in-depth discussion on finances, buying a home, and the future in general. It turned out to be a good opportunity to clear a lot of things up. As others noted, a lot of his behavior came down to money concerns. He was feeling inadequate that he couldn''t get me a ''nice'' ring, and so the process of looking was stressing him out. I offered getting engaged without a ring, waiting a bit till he was more financially stable, and lowering the cost drastically in terms of stone size.

Still working on getting him to agree to one of those, but otherwise, everything is looking much better. Over the weekend, he himself suggested we go look at rings again, and we scouted some stone prices. He was MUCH more relaxed and positive about the whole thing.

 

[redhead02]

Here's the 'thank you' post. Wanted to respond to some specific comments and advice:

emdash, babycush and RaiKai, when the subject came up on a later day, I took your advice and mentioned to him the idea of estate or pawn shops in terms of finding an existing ring that doesn't feed money back into the industry. He definitely seemed receptive and appreciative of the idea, so thank you! I had not thought of that and I feel rather silly.

thing2of2, Brown.Eyed.Girl, junebug, Kitcha, it was a relief to see your comments. I'd been totally on board with the issues that cost raises, but I was still finding it odd that he didn't want me involved when we've always been very atypical in other ways.

PinkAsscher678 Word in general to guys having their things they want to spend money on. We did, in fact, over the holidays use our Christmas money on a new large TV and a blueray player. Mostly on his urging. Granted, the two combined still cost much less than a diamond ring, I guess.

HopeDream - I may take your advice someday about doing my own RHR. Your signature cracks me up! Too true.

RaiKai and luckynumber you may very well be right about the stones suggestions and I am going to look into those. I do probably suffer from the "ohhh sparkly diamond" syndrome, and I could certainly just do my own RHR ring someday to satisfy that. In terms of giving up and him staying stubborn...possibly. But at the time I was feeling like maybe I needed to get over some materialism. I'm going to keep your comments in mind though.

Maevie Hmm, you know I never thought about getting engaged without the ring but maybe that's a thought. I can't lie that I think the girl in me would be a little embarrassed, but I'd be open to it if he was. I kinda wonder he'd feel weird about it too though, since he seems to take some of this traditionally. I might mention it though.

Treasure thank you for the book recommendation, that does sound interesting.

Sorry for a long post that rehashes what a bunch of people said, but I just wanted to try and thank everyone individually. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond, this thread has really made me feel a lot better - AND to look at it from a couple more angles.

 

[luckynumber]

you are most welcome!

whatever you decide redhead, we can help you get the most bang for your buck.

post on rockytalky for advice on diamonds, or on coloured stones if you decide to get one of those instead.

i''m sure you will work something out between the two of you, with a wee bit of help from PS

 

[junebug17]

Oh Redhead02, I''m so glad you talked things over and that you both are feeling better about things! Sounds like you are really listening to each other and being understanding of the other''s feelings, you guys should definitely be able to work this out. thanks for taking the time to give us an update!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

When you are ready, I suggest you look on Pearlman''s website--they have a "great deal''s" thumbnail which might be of interest to you....

http://www.pearlmansjewelers.com/jewelry-specials/

cheers--Sharon

 

[RaiKai]

I am so excited you talked more with your partner about your feelings, and it sounds like it was a wonderful discussion!

And, in the meantime, I do recommend you check out more on the coloured stone threads, or the under 1-carat threads (see Under 1 Carat) , as I think you will find some AMAZING rings that will fall within whatever your budget is.

Hanging out around PS has a tendency to put it in your mind that everyone has these massive 2ct+ rocks on their fingers (and are still looking for bigger!!) but I assure you that is FAR from the average and there really are some beautiful smaller diamond or coloured stone rings out there - many which I prefer far more than some of the larger rocks

And really....$5,000 is a very good budget! You can find some very nice stones and settings within that for sure! I promise! Look at stones in those little magic ranges that fall just under a new "carat level" (i.e. 0.70-0.74 or 0.85-0.90). Really, if they are cut well, they will look bigger than many others sporting a larger stone. And I will add, you will probably get more bang for your buck buying online through a reputable PS vendor than in a lot of the local B&M jewelers with more overhead, etc. Post on RockyTalk...people will be more than glad to help search for diamonds for you that will be in your budget and that will be beautiful as well!

That is FAR higher than my own budget. I never had an e-ring at time we got engaged, and now that we are married I am having a setting made with my tax refund money....and it is still nowhere near that budget....my husband and I have a good sized savings but it is "locked in" and I have lots of student loans despite a good income and several other factors in our lives have made the budget tight...so that is just the way the cookie crumbles!

Have fun looking!

 

[iheartscience]

Hey, that''s awesome to hear, redhead! I''m glad you two were able to communicate about everything and that he was just worried about the money. Honestly, it seems like a lot of men have problems communicating exactly why they are upset, and then they end up coming off like a jerk. Hopefully he''ll get better at just saying what''s bugging him-my husband definitely has in the years we''ve been together!

Like everyone else said, you can get a fantastic e-ring with not tons of $ with the help of Pricescope and all the awesome posters here. I can''t wait to see what you end up with!