Feeling numb

[movie zombie]

bravo, Mrs Jam! the first steps are the hardest.....and now you''re on the road. sounds like you got yourself a good therapist.

movie zombie

 

[diamondfan]

Mrs. Jam, it is all coming together even if some days you feel you stood still or went back a step instead of forward. It will be great, you will see!

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 4/24/2008 4:45:54 PM
Author: mrs jam
I'm checking in for an update! Thank you all so much for your posts. I reread this thread anytime I'm feeling down, which is usually at night when my day is all done. During the work week, it's actually been relatively easy getting through the day. I've realized that we didn't really have very many good times to reminisce (sp?) about, and the times I miss the most were at the very beginning of our relationship, when everything was new and the possibilities seemed so wonderful.

I went to counseling this Monday, and I felt so good afterwards. It just helps everything make sense, you know? I feel really clear-headed afterwards. I do still replay events in my head and start to worry that it was me who killed a beautiful relationship, but my counselor told me that for every positive memory I have, to think of three negative memories. Sad to say, that's very easy to do.

I wasn't able to make it to Al-anon last week or this week. Last week I did make it to the parking lot, though. I just couldn't make myself go inside. This week I have a legitimate excuse, so it is on my agenda for next week.

Next week I'm not 'allowed' to talk about my ex during my counseling appointment, which might be a little difficult. But it's not him, it's me. He is what he is, and I can't change that. I am who I am, and I can work on that. She asked me if I noticed that I had a pattern to my behavior where I blame myself in order to diffuse someone else's anger toward me, whether I'm actually in the wrong or not. We also talked about my mother's death four years ago. My mom committed suicide out of the clear blue. She had been taking Zoloft for about three weeks for feelings of anxiety prior to her death. I was living out of state at the time, and I still relive that phone call from my brother and that horrible flight back home. I miss my mom very much, but I have dealt with what happened and also accepted that I'll never understand what happened. I don't think I blame myself for what happened, but I do kind of know that I'm not the same person I was before it happened. I don't know if that has anything to do with why I stayed with my ex longer than I should have, or if on some level I believe I don't deserve to be happy. I really don't know.

This has been a really hard two years. I feel like I've been on a roller coaster, and only just now feel like I'm getting my life back under control. Thankfully, the chaos has not affected me professionally, so it's easier to compartmentalize it, if that makes any sense. My counselor told me that she has dealt with women and men who have allowed their romantic relationships to destroy their jobs, their family, and their future. I feel lucky I'm finally ready to get this off my back.

I actually wondered if something like this might have happened to you.

My ex-BF committed suicide over 10 years ago a few months after I left him (which had taken me 2 years out of the 7 we were together to do). It was a deeply toxic relationship and I should have got out years earlier.

It took me about 5 years to get over his suicide - especially as I felt so guilty about the part I might have played in it. I said some horrible things to him for the first time ever when he called me the night before he did it.

I ended up in a few more disasterous relationships with similar sorts of men - and then could not leave them because I was so terrified that they might do the same thing. It sounds like you might be transferring any feelings of guilt you have over your mother into your relationship. I'm very sorry about your mother, I think that there is often no answer to find with suicide and the gauntlet of emotions that you run can be very overwhelming and affect you for longer than you think. It's only now nearly 11 years later that I'm no longer as affected by it as I was.

My psychiatrist and psychologist took a lot of time and trouble to help me out of the mess when I finally saw them 4 years later. They did CBT and it was incredibly helpful.

ETA: 'miraclesrule' quite frankly you don't know what you are talking about. A properly trained psychologist or counsellor and CBT is a better move than any load of pseudo-science books (which yes can be helpful but as an add on only).

It is rather unhelpful to give this kind of advice. You have obviously never been clinically depressed if you believe that reading a humorous book will make much difference.

Diagnosis of mental health issues can be a life-saver in many, many cases.

Your statement: 'Diagnosis seldom helps long term because they infer a condition that you have no control over', well, I have bipolar disorder and without my meds my life is a disaster, with them my life is productive and wonderful. I have the same amount of control as a diabetic has over their condition - I can take my meds and learn coping techniques (through CBT), they can take their insulin and learn when to take or avoid sugar. But it doesn't change the fact that we both have an underlying condition that is not going to disappear.

Mrs Jam, please continue to see your therapist - she sounds excellent.

 

[dragonfly411]

Mrs. Jam - sounds like you are making great steps. I was in a similar mentally abusive relationship a few years ago. I''m only just now recovering to the point where I can let it go. Trust me when I say, men like that aren''t worth it. You will end up finding someone who is amazing, and who will take care of YOU and put YOU first and make YOU THEIR everything. And you deserve to have that as much as you give it.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 4/25/2008 10:49:02 AM
Author: Pandora II
ETA: 'miraclesrule' quite frankly you don't know what you are talking about. A properly trained psychologist or counsellor and CBT is a better move than any load of pseudo-science books (which yes can be helpful but as an add on only).

It is rather unhelpful to give this kind of advice. You have obviously never been clinically depressed if you believe that reading a humorous book will make much difference.

Diagnosis of mental health issues can be a life-saver in many, many cases.

Your statement: 'Diagnosis seldom helps long term because they infer a condition that you have no control over', well, I have bipolar disorder and without my meds my life is a disaster, with them my life is productive and wonderful. I have the same amount of control as a diabetic has over their condition - I can take my meds and learn coping techniques (through CBT), they can take their insulin and learn when to take or avoid sugar. But it doesn't change the fact that we both have an underlying condition that is not going to disappear.

Mrs Jam, please continue to see your therapist - she sounds excellent.

Mrs. Jam, glad to hear you're taking action and doing something positive to regain your life, good for you! Get to that Al Anon meeting too. If only to sit in the back at first and listen.

Pandora, may I just Word! your portion of post above? miraclesrule, I realize your posts are laden with sarcasm and humor, and I'm a big fan of both, but if you read this entire thread, it's not funny, it's a very scary and life threatening situation so intimating that therapy isn't worth the money and she'd be better off buying a self help book is both dismissive and downright harmful. What if she actually followed your frivolous advice and got into even more trouble? In this case, cognitive therapy seems the right match for the person in question and even after one session it had a beneficial effect so dismissing therapy doesn't seem like a very appropriate thing to do in a thread like this. There is a time and a place for humor, this wasn't one of those places, IMO.

 

[anchor31]

mrs jam - Again, a round of applause to you. Keep going, you''ll get through this!

 

[Mara]

Was out of town this week--glad to see this thread is still going!

Mrs Jam KUDOS for doing what you are doing, it's wonderful. Your therapist sounds amazing. Cognitive therapy is really wonderful...it makes you actually work to THINK through all your stuff rather than just let someone else implant ideas on what you 'should' be doing. It will teach you skills you can also use forever. It's amazing how strong our minds are without us even realizing it much of the time, continue to take control of it just like you are doing.

Hang in there...I am sure some days are tougher than others but it WILL GET BETTER. I firmly believe in things happening for a reason and many months from now you will look back on this and think 'wow if i didn't do XYZ i would never be here'...which many times is a very happy future place that you deserved from day one. Good luck!

 

[iheartscience]

Keep up the great work, Mrs. Jam! CBT is great and will really help you get your thoughts on the right track. Congratulations on these first steps, and best of luck to you as you continue on this path!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Just wanted to send some more well-wishes your way. I am sorry to hear about your mother. Please keep up your strength and keep working through this, we are all here for you!! ((Hugs))

 

[dragonfly411]

Mrs. Jam - I would love to hear an update on how you are doing! I was once in an abusive relationship and I know it can be rough, and getting out is HARD, but so much better once you have done so.

 

[mrs jam]

Thank you all for your continued well wishes. Dragonfly, I am doing really well! The experience has started to take on a "bad dream" type quality. I''m actually enjoying my counseling appointments very much. I still haven''t been to an Al-anon support group meeting, though, and I don''t know why I just can''t seem to make myself attend.

Keeping myself socially active has been key. I have been busy reconnecting with family and friends, and being the best aunt on the entire planet to my niece and nephew! It is so good to live close to my family again. I''m also renewing old interests again and have quite a few decorating projects going.

The mutual friend that my ex and I have e-mailed me and asked me to call him. He told me that my ex has been having some type of medical emergency and has had to drive himself to the emergency room four times since last Thursday. Apparently his blood pressure was bouncing from high to low when he checked it on his blood pressure machine at home, and he was concerned he was going to die. The doctors performed blood tests, urine test, and an ekg and everything came up normal. My friend says that after talking to him, he feels that my ex is experiencing some kind of psychotic episode or at the very least an anxiety attack. He just started a new job, but I''m guessing they are not going to keep him for very long.

I''m experiencing some guilty feelings because while I do worry about him, my main reaction to hearing about this, beside worry for him, is relief for me. I''m relieved that I am not there to deal with this. I would stand by the man I love''s side through sickness and health, don''t get me wrong, but I can''t help feeling like I just very nearly dodged a bullet in this relationship. When I said to my friend that I was willing to bet he was somehow placing blame on me for his high blood pressure, he said "Bingo." He told me that my ex said that since I "abandoned" him, he was out there all by himself with no one to even drive him to the emergency room. Which is strange, because he has lived there for at least twelve years ever since his first marriage. Oh well. When I spoke with my counselor about it on Monday, she told me to honestly ask myself, did I not see this coming? I had to say yes, I saw this whole thing coming (the whole mental breakdown thing) and it was not a shock to me. She then asked me if I thought it would be "normal" to most people to strive to have a partnership with someone whom they knew was mentally unhealthy. She compared it to building a mansion on the sand. It can be beautiful for a while, but you know it''s going to crumble at any time despite efforts to hang on to it, and would I want to store my furniture and prized possessions in it? That analogy really struck me at the time.

Bottom line is I feel more like myself all the time. I am sad to hear about his health problems he is experiencing right now, whether they are mental or truly physical. But I am also aware that if I had stayed on that roller coaster and tried to work things out with him for the umpteenth time, it could very well have been ME in that emergency room having a breakdown. I truly believe that I was headed in that direction. You ladies have been a blessing to me, and your words of support and encouragement and understanding played a HUGE part in helping me get back on track.

 

[decodelighted]

So glad to hear you''re doing much better!! The more distance you put between you & him (& the memories etc) the better you''ll feel! Applaud that your future sessions will focus on the most important person: YOU!

Re: his faux medical stuff. Maybe ask your mutual friend NOT to keep you updated. Unless he hears of any plan to track you down or harm you in any way. I''m not shocked to hear that he''s seeking attention & feigning distress & causing drama. When manipulators finally lose control of the object of their attentions -- they can go bat **** CRAZEEEEE. Put know that you are not "to blame" or responsible in ANY WAY. Whoever he was with ... same result. He lived before you, he''ll live after you. Eventually he''ll keep on being himself & find a new person to "play with". Trust! And be SUPER SUPER SUPER GLAD that it isn''t you any longer!!!!

 

[movie zombie]

bravo, Mrs J, bravo!

movie zombie

 

[choro72]

Mrs Jam, I''m so glad you have the strength and insight to see that your ex''s mental breakdown is NOT your fault! Keep up the good work.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/7/2008 7:44:18 PM
Author: decodelighted
So glad to hear you''re doing much better!! The more distance you put between you & him (& the memories etc) the better you''ll feel! Applaud that your future sessions will focus on the most important person: YOU!


Re: his faux medical stuff. Maybe ask your mutual friend NOT to keep you updated. Unless he hears of any plan to track you down or harm you in any way. I''m not shocked to hear that he''s seeking attention & feigning distress & causing drama. When manipulators finally lose control of the object of their attentions -- they can go bat **** CRAZEEEEE. Put know that you are not ''to blame'' or responsible in ANY WAY. Whoever he was with ... same result. He lived before you, he''ll live after you. Eventually he''ll keep on being himself & find a new person to ''play with''. Trust! And be SUPER SUPER SUPER GLAD that it isn''t you any longer!!!!

Ditto!

I''m so glad to hear you''re doing great! Keep up your hard work-it sounds like it''s paying off already.

Regarding your mutual friend, I completely agree with Deco''s post. Do you think it would be better if you told the friend you didn''t want updates? And if he continued to update you, maybe it would be best to not talk to the mutual friend anymore...I don''t want to tell you your business, but that''s the first thing that came to mind when I read that part of your post!

Anyway, it sounds like you''re on the right track to a full recovery from this toxic relationship. Best of luck to you and please keep us updated!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Mrs. Jam, keep it going! You are doing so well and you are healing!

We are all so proud of you! You''re growing stronger every day.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Mrs. Jam you are a hero. So many people have troubles and cannot muster the courage to face them and get the help they really need. Good for you, keep it up! It sounds like you have a really good connection with your therapist and that she uses a language that you can really understand, so I''m really happy about that too!

As for Al-Anon, I really hope you go. The more supports you have in place, the better. My grandparents have been dealing with my grandfather''s addictions for years (my whole family has, really) and he finally went to AA, and my grandma is going to Al-Anon, and she really loves it. They avoided the groups for years. I think that it is scary to go to a group like that because it can contradict one''s self-concept--if you feel like you have it "together", going to a group meeting can be a big admission, to oneself and others, that maybe things aren''t so peachy. But once you go, you will see that everyone there is just like you. My grandparents were amazed to see nurses, doctors, teachers... they even met 3 people they know socially, whom they never thought in a million years would have substance abuse problems. So please, keep being courageous and go to a meeting. Every little thing helps.

 

[dragonfly411]

Mrs. Jam - I''m sooooo glad to hear from you and to hear that you are doing well! Great job on keeping up the meetings. Al Anon will come with time. It''s just a matter of being able to let go, and just go in there!!

I agree, ask the mutual friend to not update you on the status. Tell him that you just don''t want to have to think about him, and you need time to recover emotionally.

 

[Pandora II]

This is pure manipulation.

One of my ex''s used to pull the fake asthma attack everytime we had a row and I had actually found the strength to walk out.

My grandmother also pulls this one every time my uncle and aunt who live near her go on holiday. Over Easter she had the GP out 4 times - they couldn''t find anything wrong. She called an ambulance and told them she was having a heart attack and ended up getting every scan and test possible - all negative. She had both my other uncles and aunts travelling hours to see her, then told my mother she had been abandoned.

Finally she told them all that they needed to get my other aunt and uncle to come back from their holiday. This woman has never been ill in her life and basically needs a good spanking.

I''ve told them all that they need to sit her down and tell her that due to her ill health it would really be best that she move into an old people''s home. I tell you, the recovery will be miraculous.

Do not listen, do not feel guilty. This man is pathetic and you are well shot of him.

 

[gwendolyn]

What fantastic news! I applaud your strength and the fact that, at this test, you didn''t go running back to him because so many people on your position do. Stay strong!

 

[anchor31]

Keep doing what you''re doing, sweetheart. Don''t feel bad, and I think you should refuse to hear about your ex to your friend. It''s over, but he''s trying to keep manipulating you through your mutual friend, and that is still wrong. You need to get away from that too.

Stay strong!

 

[spike13]

Date: 5/7/2008 7:44:18 PM
Author: decodelighted
Maybe ask your mutual friend NOT to keep you updated. Unless he hears of any plan to track you down or harm you in any way.

Double Ditto!

I''ve had to do this before with mutual friends to remove toxic people from my life.

Sounds like you''re doing really well - glad to hear it!

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 5/10/2008 7:17:12 AM
Author: spike13

Date: 5/7/2008 7:44:18 PM
Author: decodelighted
Maybe ask your mutual friend NOT to keep you updated. Unless he hears of any plan to track you down or harm you in any way.

Double Ditto!

I''ve had to do this before with mutual friends to remove toxic people from my life.

Sounds like you''re doing really well - glad to hear it!

I agree; I think that is too hard on you. I know it was hard on me when I broke with someone and a friend would talk about them. I think it would help in the healing process and also it would help to close that chapter completely in your life for the better if you did not know. Hugs and please keep us update Mrs. Jams; we all want the best for you!!!

 

[AGBF]

I wish I lived near you, mrs jam. If I did, I would take you to an Al-Anon meeting. I know you wanted to keep this part of your life separate from your friends. Do you know anyone whom you trust enough to ask to go to a meeting with you? Just to help you break the ice? If not, maybe someone here on Pricescope lives close to you. Another possibility is that you can call the local AA hotline and ask whoever answers the phone if that person can find a woman to go to an Al-Anon meeting with you. It's possible that that will be beyond the ability of the hotline, depending on how many meetings are in the area and how busy they are, but it's worth a try. If you ever get into it, you will find tremendous fellowship among people in AA and Al-Anon.

I know it seems frightening now, but please take another brave first step. You will find the rooms are very friendly and very supportive. You will hear your own story again and again, but often it will be from people who have been there and come out the other side successfully. They share their, "experience, strength, and hope" so that they can help others. You will like it if you try it.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[movie zombie]

please tell your mutual friend that you want no longer want an update on how the ex- is or is not doing: if he insists on telling you anyway, then perhaps the only basis of the is to rag about the ex-.......and you don''t need that kind of friend right now......at least not from someone who is in contact with the ex-. if this person is a friend, he''ll respect your wishes and you''ll find other things to talk about.

movie zombie

 

[VRBeauty]

Mrs. Jam: Thank you for the progress report -- and I'm so glad that you had so much progress to report!

I don't want to beat a dead horse, and I know that 12-step meetings are not for everybody. All I know is that they helped me tremedously and, as others have said, the more avenues of support you have, the better. In my case al-anon was the key. I had seen several different counselors over the years, but I just couldn't hear what they had to say until I found al-anon. In 30 words or less, I think the women there helped me get over the feelings of guilt and shame that had invaded me to my core, and that kept me from really hearing even trained counselors.

But whatever you decide, don't forget to pat yourself on your newly-discovered backbone for the good work you're doing, and to be grateful for the inner voice that brought you to your new path.

 

[Erin]

You have been in my thoughts recently. Sending you well wishes that your life is heading in the direction you hope for.
Take care of yourself.

 

[Skippy123]

Mrs. Jam''s I hope you don''t mind me bumping this thread but you have been in my thoughts and prayers. How are you doing? You are a lovely person, you deserve the best, everyone does.

 

[mrs jam]

Hi, Skippy! I just saw this bumped. Thank you for thinking of me. I spent quite a while rereading this thread, and I have to say I feel like a nightmare is finally over. It just seems like a whole different life, and I am doing so much better and enjoying my summer off from teaching. I''m seeing my counselor every other week, and it''s been wonderful. My sister-in-law and I started taking yoga classes a few weeks ago, and I can''t believe how de-stressed and mellow yoga makes me feel!

I still think about my ex sometimes. I can''t help that I still worry about him, but the difference now is that I know and accept the fact that I can''t help him, and what is wrong with him is not my fault. Every once in a while, I catch myself wishing things had been different, but that''s like wishing the grass was blue. I''m just so excited and happy to finally feel NORMAL again!! It sounds silly, but a few months ago, I felt like my life was over. It just feels good to get back into my life.

 

[decodelighted]

WONDERFUL NEWS! What an inspirational update. Thanks for sharing ... Have a GREAT summer!