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Also, I realize the thing that really helped me this weekend was just forcing myself out of bed and into the world. As pathetic as it sounds, it took all my will power to get myself into the shower and ready to face the day. But I did it. And a few times, all I wanted to do was break down and start crying, but I didn''t. I focused on other things, my niece, my nephew, my two adorable dogs, helping my friend pick out a dress for a rehearsal dinner, ANYTHING but my own misery. And it just got easier as the weekend went on.
 
mrs jam,
Thanks for the update. Your therapist is spot on, so glad you found her. Make sure to go to Al Anon, those meetings will be a big help to you. You're on the right track, keep it up!!!
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Date: 4/14/2008 9:29:11 PM
Author: Kaleigh
mrs jam,
Thanks for the update. Your therapist is spot on, so glad you found her. Make sure to go to Al Anon, those meetings will be a big help to you. You're on the right track, keep it up!!!
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Ditto, thanks for the update!!! Keep it up and we are here for you Mrs. Jams!! You are making really positive steps and kudos on teaching!!! You do rock!!!
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Mrs. Jam I''m happy to see that you checked in. I''ve been following your thread even though I haven''t posted.

I wanted to say that I think you''re making the right choice. I was in a situation that was extremely similar to yours, only in high school. He did almost every single thing you said your ex did, only in a 17-21 year old scale. And I didn''t pay his bills, but I did pay for everything we did together-with my parents money-because he manipulated me into doing so, while he bought video games. Any more detail is unnecessary.

It was so incredibly hard to walk away from him because he had decimated my self esteem, but it was SO WORTH IT in the end.

Trust me, you''ll get through this and you''ll be a million times better off for doing it.

Keep it up, my dear.
 
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Good work! Thanks for giving us an update!
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Mrs Jam, Congratulations for taking some major, very hard steps over the past few days. That shows amazing strength and courage! It is HARD to do these things.. change your phone number, not call, go to a counselor even when you absolutely, positively know that it''s the right thing to do. But you CAN do them and you ARE! I am proud of you and support you.

Come back to PS ANYTIME you need to, whether you''re doing great and feeling great or are struggling or feel like you just need to call him. It''s okay to vent in whatever form you need to, whether seeking advice or simply support. I believe that leaving a cycle of abuse is one of the hardest things a woman can do. But you are taking such wonderful steps so far!

Please take care of yourself during this time!
 
sounds like you''ve got a good therapist!!!!! and sounds also like you took care of yourself this past weekend!!!!!!!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS! the hardest part is done!

also, remember this: for every step forward there will be a step backward. don''t be too hard on yourself when it occurs. that''s what al-anon is for, your therapist, and even us here. and growth can be painful....... but it is like birthing: in this case, not a new you but the real you!

again, congratulations!

movie zombie
 
I am so glad you are taking the steps to help yourself!!
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Your life will be so much brighter without him bringing you down. Best wishes and ((Hugs)).
 
I think the frog analogy is great. If you met this guy and knew straight up that this is what your relationship was going to be, I doubt you would have stayed. But when things ramp up gradually it really is almost so imperceptable, and we are settled in and there is some comfort in the one we know versus the one we do not...so I think it makes total sense that it can kind of catch you by surprise. But once you see it, and really accept it, it is hard to forget.

You are strong. I am sure you can do this, though each day will present challenges. Just keep a mantra in your head that you can chant so you can pull yourself through the tough patches. Do not be afraid to rely on pals and professionals, but you are truly your best resource. It will get easier and better.
 
Please, this website might be very cathartic for you: www.youarenotcrazy.com Mrs. Jam, I am so impressed and proud of you. You are turning things around for yourself!

Keep up the good work and keep remembering that you are worth EVERYTHING!
 
Congratulations on doing the footwork, mrs jam. All you can do is the next right thing. If you follow the advice of people who have been there and of professionals, you will be all right. You may not feel happy every day (as Movie Zombie pointed out). You will have good days and bad days. But you will be on the right track to a happy and healthy life. Al-Anon will reinforce this idea for you when you get there :-).

Your therapist sounds great. Pat yourself on the back. You are doing a fabulous job. Keep coming back to this thread. Get to Al-Anon as soon as you can. You are going to make it.

Sometimes when one is depressed (you described this phenomenon well when you described how hard it was just to get out of bed and shower) every step is hard. You can look down at your feet and watch them take you to an Al-Anon meeting. Or to work. Or to the store. Every step is good. Every step is a step in the right direction.

We are with you!

Hugs,
Deb
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Great first steps! We are proud of you!
 
It''s so good to hear back from you Mrs. Jam. Sounds like you are off to a great start with your therapy and it is nice to see you continue with other positive steps as well.

Good for you!
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Congratulation! It sounds like you''re making great progress!
 
I''ve read enough of your story to realize how much courage it took to take the steps you''ve taken.

Congratulations on a great start, Mrs Jam!!
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Excellent news!
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I''ve just caught this thread, but must say I''m VERY proud of you to have taken the steps that you have. Stay strong. We''re here to help you through this.

{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}
 
That''s excellent news mrs jam. Keep it up and each day will get better.
 
I will admit that I have not read this entire thread, but I did read your initial post mrs Jam and I am so happy to see that you are seeking counseling. That is a step in the right direction! What he has done to you is not right, it sounds to me like he has put the blame for all of his mishaps on you, and he needs to be more accepting of his faults.
I applaud you for your strength in this, you are making all the right steps here to get him out of your life. He does not deserve you, not at all! He was lucky to have you in his life for as long as he did, but now he has to see that his luck has run out.
Stay strong, and please keep updating us on your progress!
*Hugs*
 
Date: 4/14/2008 9:13:55 PM
Author: mrs jam
She is a cognitive therapist.

I did that type of therapy and I can''t say enough about how much it helped me. I truly believe it saved my life.

It sounds like you''re on the right track - forcing yourself to get up and get moving. That''s so important to keep yourself from spinning on all the negative thoughts.

When you''re feeling really low, just getting out of bed can take every ounce of energy, but once you can get yourself up it''s amazing how much good it does!!

It''s wonderful you''re taking care of yourself and getting help!!!!
 
I wasted a bunch of money on a therapist, and found that I got more help out of buying a few books.

The first one that came to mind when I started reading the first few posts was:

"It''s Called a Break Up Because it''s Broken" You can find a bit about it at this link.

http://books.google.com/books?id=FXL_AQAACAAJ&dq=Greg+Behrendt&hl=en&prev=http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&sa=X&oi=spell&resnum=0&ct=result&cd=1&q=greg+behrendt&spell=1&oi=print&ct=result&cd=1&cad=author-navigational

Or you can read the Amazon reviews. Seriously. It is one of the most helpful books and can reaffirm your worth and help you take back your self esteem. It is a "hit you betwen the eyes" book, but for some people, that is what really it really takes.. It is written by the same author as "He''s just not that into you", but it''s worth the price just because of the crazy psycho scenerios of other people. It''s humorous too, which is always helpful when a person gets depressed. It won''t allow you to wallow in self pity and victimization. Another great book for getting back to loving yourself, but it has a lot of typically religious terminology, but used in a very different manner is Marianne Williamsons "A Retun to Love". It''s like spiritual psychotherapy. Not religious, but spiritual. The sections on relationships and body image and women are very insightful. I think you''d benefit from reading these books more than having a therapist diagnosis you. Diagnosis seldom helps long term because they infer a condition that you have no control over. Another great book is "How to Be Happy Dammit!" It''s light and short and has great analogy references that hit you in the gut and have miraculous effects on your outlook.

Good luck, you need to get past this loser. Really...this guy is a loser. We are so more often depressed over the projection of what we had fantasized that the relationship could be, versus the reality of what it really was. As hard as that is to accept, it is usually the truth. I still suffer from the but if, what it, syndrome. The bottom line is that a person is what they do, not what they say. I worked for a group of psychotherapist''s when I entered the job market and it was appalling sometimes. I hope you are able to shake this depression and move on. You sound like a smart woman with a good heart who got suckerpunched and you need to find happiness in you. Go buy some books and read, read, read....

Good Luck. Oh, and supportive people on this board who lend an ear are priceless too.
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MrsJam,

its been a bit over one week since last you posted.....would love to hear how you''re doing.

movie zombie
 
Date: 4/22/2008 11:33:29 AM
Author: movie zombie
MrsJam,


its been a bit over one week since last you posted.....would love to hear how you''re doing.


movie zombie

I was thinking the same thing, MZ. I was thinking that counseling appointments were on Mondays and I''d like to know how this week''s appointment went. (Of course maybe appointment times were changed.) I''d also like to know if you made it to Al-Anon, mrs jam. Don''t be afraid to post if you didn''t make it anywhere! I''d like to hear from you no matter what is going on. I feel as if you had become a part of our lives...don''t drop out of sight ;-).

Deb
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Sending support too.
 
I''m checking in for an update! Thank you all so much for your posts. I reread this thread anytime I''m feeling down, which is usually at night when my day is all done. During the work week, it''s actually been relatively easy getting through the day. I''ve realized that we didn''t really have very many good times to reminisce (sp?) about, and the times I miss the most were at the very beginning of our relationship, when everything was new and the possibilities seemed so wonderful.

I went to counseling this Monday, and I felt so good afterwards. It just helps everything make sense, you know? I feel really clear-headed afterwards. I do still replay events in my head and start to worry that it was me who killed a beautiful relationship, but my counselor told me that for every positive memory I have, to think of three negative memories. Sad to say, that''s very easy to do.

I wasn''t able to make it to Al-anon last week or this week. Last week I did make it to the parking lot, though. I just couldn''t make myself go inside. This week I have a legitimate excuse, so it is on my agenda for next week.

Next week I''m not "allowed" to talk about my ex during my counseling appointment, which might be a little difficult. But it''s not him, it''s me. He is what he is, and I can''t change that. I am who I am, and I can work on that. She asked me if I noticed that I had a pattern to my behavior where I blame myself in order to diffuse someone else''s anger toward me, whether I''m actually in the wrong or not. We also talked about my mother''s death four years ago. My mom committed suicide out of the clear blue. She had been taking Zoloft for about three weeks for feelings of anxiety prior to her death. I was living out of state at the time, and I still relive that phone call from my brother and that horrible flight back home. I miss my mom very much, but I have dealt with what happened and also accepted that I''ll never understand what happened. I don''t think I blame myself for what happened, but I do kind of know that I''m not the same person I was before it happened. I don''t know if that has anything to do with why I stayed with my ex longer than I should have, or if on some level I believe I don''t deserve to be happy. I really don''t know.

This has been a really hard two years. I feel like I''ve been on a roller coaster, and only just now feel like I''m getting my life back under control. Thankfully, the chaos has not affected me professionally, so it''s easier to compartmentalize it, if that makes any sense. My counselor told me that she has dealt with women and men who have allowed their romantic relationships to destroy their jobs, their family, and their future. I feel lucky I''m finally ready to get this off my back.
 
Date: 4/24/2008 4:45:54 PM
Author: mrs jam
I''m checking in for an update! Thank you all so much for your posts. I reread this thread anytime I''m feeling down, which is usually at night when my day is all done. During the work week, it''s actually been relatively easy getting through the day. I''ve realized that we didn''t really have very many good times to reminisce (sp?) about, and the times I miss the most were at the very beginning of our relationship, when everything was new and the possibilities seemed so wonderful.

I went to counseling this Monday, and I felt so good afterwards. It just helps everything make sense, you know? I feel really clear-headed afterwards. I do still replay events in my head and start to worry that it was me who killed a beautiful relationship, but my counselor told me that for every positive memory I have, to think of three negative memories. Sad to say, that''s very easy to do.

I wasn''t able to make it to Al-anon last week or this week. Last week I did make it to the parking lot, though. I just couldn''t make myself go inside. This week I have a legitimate excuse, so it is on my agenda for next week.

Next week I''m not ''allowed'' to talk about my ex during my counseling appointment, which might be a little difficult. But it''s not him, it''s me. He is what he is, and I can''t change that. I am who I am, and I can work on that. She asked me if I noticed that I had a pattern to my behavior where I blame myself in order to diffuse someone else''s anger toward me, whether I''m actually in the wrong or not. We also talked about my mother''s death four years ago. My mom committed suicide out of the clear blue. She had been taking Zoloft for about three weeks for feelings of anxiety prior to her death. I was living out of state at the time, and I still relive that phone call from my brother and that horrible flight back home. I miss my mom very much, but I have dealt with what happened and also accepted that I''ll never understand what happened. I don''t think I blame myself for what happened, but I do kind of know that I''m not the same person I was before it happened. I don''t know if that has anything to do with why I stayed with my ex longer than I should have, or if on some level I believe I don''t deserve to be happy. I really don''t know.

This has been a really hard two years. I feel like I''ve been on a roller coaster, and only just now feel like I''m getting my life back under control. Thankfully, the chaos has not affected me professionally, so it''s easier to compartmentalize it, if that makes any sense. My counselor told me that she has dealt with women and men who have allowed their romantic relationships to destroy their jobs, their family, and their future. I feel lucky I''m finally ready to get this off my back.
Keep up the good work; I am glad you realize that you can do much better without him! Stay strong; we are here for you, congrats
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Date: 4/24/2008 4:45:54 PM
Author: mrs jam
I''m checking in for an update! Thank you all so much for your posts. I reread this thread anytime I''m feeling down, which is usually at night when my day is all done. During the work week, it''s actually been relatively easy getting through the day. I''ve realized that we didn''t really have very many good times to reminisce (sp?) about, and the times I miss the most were at the very beginning of our relationship, when everything was new and the possibilities seemed so wonderful.

I went to counseling this Monday, and I felt so good afterwards. It just helps everything make sense, you know? I feel really clear-headed afterwards. I do still replay events in my head and start to worry that it was me who killed a beautiful relationship, but my counselor told me that for every positive memory I have, to think of three negative memories. Sad to say, that''s very easy to do.

I wasn''t able to make it to Al-anon last week or this week. Last week I did make it to the parking lot, though. I just couldn''t make myself go inside. This week I have a legitimate excuse, so it is on my agenda for next week.

Next week I''m not ''allowed'' to talk about my ex during my counseling appointment, which might be a little difficult. But it''s not him, it''s me. He is what he is, and I can''t change that. I am who I am, and I can work on that. She asked me if I noticed that I had a pattern to my behavior where I blame myself in order to diffuse someone else''s anger toward me, whether I''m actually in the wrong or not. We also talked about my mother''s death four years ago. My mom committed suicide out of the clear blue. She had been taking Zoloft for about three weeks for feelings of anxiety prior to her death. I was living out of state at the time, and I still relive that phone call from my brother and that horrible flight back home. I miss my mom very much, but I have dealt with what happened and also accepted that I''ll never understand what happened. I don''t think I blame myself for what happened, but I do kind of know that I''m not the same person I was before it happened. I don''t know if that has anything to do with why I stayed with my ex longer than I should have, or if on some level I believe I don''t deserve to be happy. I really don''t know.

This has been a really hard two years. I feel like I''ve been on a roller coaster, and only just now feel like I''m getting my life back under control. Thankfully, the chaos has not affected me professionally, so it''s easier to compartmentalize it, if that makes any sense. My counselor told me that she has dealt with women and men who have allowed their romantic relationships to destroy their jobs, their family, and their future. I feel lucky I''m finally ready to get this off my back.
Thank you for checking in mrs jam. I, like so many others have been thinking about you.

The part I highlighted reminded me of a prayer, that my mom gave to me on a plaque many years ago when I was going through something extremely painful. I''m posting it here, in case you may find it helpful, I hope you don''t mind. I have repeated this to myself many, many times since, from big things to small. It really helps put things in perspective.

Major hugs to you, I''m really proud of you for taking the steps to get your life back.
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God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
 
Mrs. Jam: Kudos to you. Keep going. . . every day, put one foot in front of the other. . . don''t give up. Realizing that you deserve the very best that life has to offer is the biggest hurdle, and you''re talking like you know it!
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It sounds as if you are working really hard, mrs jam. I hear the fear of going to something new (Al-Anon) in your postings. I think you will be very relieved once you have tried a meeting! You deserve good things to happen to you because of your hard work...and they will. Keep the faith!


Hugs,
Deborah
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