Feeling numb

[monarch64]

Mrs.Jam, I also remember your previous posts on this topic/same guy...I want you to know I support you and I understand what you are going through. I''m another one of those strong women who''s dealt with emotional and verbal abuse. It doesn''t get better, and they do not change. I understand you may be feeling like you are to blame because you''ve had the "audacity" (and I use that term sarcastically) to hope that he will change, and that you blame yourself for retaliating and defending yourself. It''s funny how the abuser (and yes, this guy is abusing you...you need to hear that, and you need to KEEP hearing it) will turn every single thing around to make it seem like you provoked him and that you caused him to be unloving and nasty and say and do horrible things to you that no human being would wish on their worst enemy.

Good news! You don''t have to live this way! No matter what you THINK he has on you, he has nothing. Every time he puts you down, or tells you about his supposed internet dating or whatever, it is just him masking his own insecurities, trying to cut you down so he can feel more powerful. Do not buy into it, please. You are WORTH it, you are WORTH having a good life without fighting, without name-calling, without someone telling you that you are lucky to be with him. It isn''t true.

Think about this: if your very best girl friend came to you and presented you with this same situation, what would you tell her to do? YOU are that best girl friend. You are your own best friend and advocate. YOU have the power here, and YOU can stop this insanity. You''re in a prime position right now to get rid of this person and become healthier and be just fine. You''ve done it before, you''ve mentioned that you have had normal relationships in the past and even amicably divorced your first husband. You KNOW you are capable, in your heart of hearts, and you KNOW that YOU are a great person! We all know that, you know that deep down, you are just unable to see it right now because he''s been trying to break you emotionally and mentally and has almost succeeded. Don''t let him. You deserve a good life, and he can''t offer you that. Don''t feel sorry for him. He is not as good as it gets, no matter what he tells you. You can move on and excel at life again as you have in the past. You will be just fine without him. I promise you. Hey, what do you have to lose? Please answer that question for me. What do you have to lose by leaving him?

You can do this. You''re worth it.

 

[diamondfan]

I just hate to hear you trying to rationalize this. He has you on a leash and is jerking it for his fun. He is toxic and not a good person, and bottom line is he is a master at manipulating you.

I had a boyfriend like this. I was 18. I loved him and would have done anything for him. He put me down, bullied me, threatened to hurt me or himself if I left him. If a man spoke to me, I was a slut and a whore who was trying to cheat on him. Everything was my fault, if he did poorly at work it was because I was a selfish bitch for making him lose his temper. He did not just hurt me verbally, he beat me down mentally. He wanted me weak and needy and thinking only he could love me. He also hurt me physically, threatened all of my friends both male and female, and stalked me for years after I finally was able to get away from him. My friends were afraid he would kill me someday. And guess what? Even while he was doing this to me I thought I was a terrible person for making him doubt my feelings, for not hopping to it when he wanted something, for letting him down...I made excuses for his terrible mother who was mean and awful to him, and for his dad who was not in his life when it was important, blah blah blah and I let him abuse me six ways from Sunday. My friends were horrified, I had been this strong, beautiful, happy person who became someone else completely. I let him dictate how I dressed, what make up I wore, what color my hair was, who I hung out with (basically he winnowed it down and was such an ass that a lot of my friends could not deal even though they were afraid for me). I would not hear a word against him.

Please please just change your phone numbers. Instruct any mutual friends to STOP discussing you with him and vice versa. Let him date someone else and or marry them, just get away from him. He is torturing you emotionally and he is using religion as one of his weapons. Just please have no more contact with him, I know it is easier said than done but you need to save yourself.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 4/11/2008 3:29:15 PM
Author: blondie23
STOP coming on to PS asking for help when you aren''t changing anything...when you''re willing to make a change, people on here will be willing to listen and offer advice.

This thread makes me so angry because you are just encouraging and adding to the dysfunction...YOU HAVE A CHOICE TO LEAVE HIM AND STOP TALKING TO HIM....DO IT!

blondie, thank you for saying what was in my head too. I hate these sort of threads because peoples desire to help almost seems to end up fueling/feeding the attention seeking behavior that seems to be part of the problem. If this person wanted out, she''d get out. But instead she keeps saying ''but, but, but...'' I personally think there''s been enough great advice. I think the OP should be spending less time online, and more time at an Al-Anon meeting where she can get help while waiting for her counseling appointment, as was previously recommended, not on a forum seeming to revel in the minutae of a dangerously abusive and failed relationship.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 4/12/2008 1:33:24 AM
Author: AGBF

Date: 4/11/2008 2:57:22 PM
Author: mrs jam

I have counseling set up next week. I also found information for Al-Anon and know times and dates of meetings. I have been reading and rereading all of your replies, and I know that I am having a problem.

These are wonderful steps! Can you, now, take that step out the door to an Al-Anon meeting? Remember, if you do not like one, try another. Not all meetings are alike! I really commend you on doing the footwork necessary for positive action!

Hugs,
Deb

Please go to a meeting. Please go to counseling and please get a new phone number and new email and do not give it to him.

 

[arjunajane]

Date: 4/11/2008 3:23:14 PM
Author: mrs jam
I cannot stop feeling horrible for the hateful voicemails I left him after I found out what he was doing. I don't like to think of myself as being verbally abusive, and I just exploded because I felt very used. He sent me texts telling me I was mean and hateful and was trying to kill him when he has a child to support, and I jsut wanted him to know that although I couldn't excuse what I said, I said it out of hurt and I lashed out.

Look, I just have to say here - WTF!!??
WHO CARES if you went off your head at him one night on the phone - it sounds like he deserved it anyway!
I really cannot understand why you are still CALLING HIM and asking for forgiveness???!!
And seriously, this guy is Such a drama queen - you almost KILLED HIM WITH YOUR WORDS??? Do you actually believe this crap?

I apologize for shouting Mrs Jam, but you've had many many replies to this post and you are simply Not Listening. You are going to end up losing your friend "T" as you keep putting him in the middle of this thing which I have to say is totally unfair. Whenever somebody tells you something in confidence, why are you running back to your boyfriend to use it as ammo? I'm sure you must understand thats not what you're friend intended by telling you that stuff - just like ALL of us, he is obviously trying to get you to open your eyes to all the bulls""t that this guy is doing to you.

But you are refusing to listen to your friend and I also think you're not listening to anything that PS'ers are taking their time to tell you.
I don't know, maybe you do like the drama and the attention because you just Keep posting about all these silly little fights and disagreements in Minute details. None of that matters, only what YOU DO NOW matters, and you've been given wonderful advice here for that.

Again I apologize if anybody thinks I'm being harsh, its just I'm finding this very frustrating. You said you are seeking counselling and going to go to Al Anon and I sincerely hope this is true for your own sake.
For me, until your posts start to change about how you are moving him OUT of your life instead of still calling him and agonizing over details, I'm not able to respond anymore as I sincerely think you need to go back and actually LISTEN and THINK about what you have been told here. Again, like I said before you have already received a number of considered opinions from psychiatric professionals - do you put no stock in their advice at all?..

I really do hope that you are seeking help Mrs Jam, and continue to do so until you have rid yourself of these damaging behaviours.
And I reallly really hope you don't think I am in anyway trying to add to your distress.
I've Been in your position, I Know about the ridiculous arguments over nothing - I only wish I had a great support group like you have here to tell me what I knew all along - its just Not right. You seem to know it, but by your own admission you can't act on it. Thats why it is SO important for you to get outside independent help. Please Please do so and then let us know how it goes for you. In the meantime, do yourself one small favour and just don't call him. Do it for your PS friends!

 

[bee*]

Date: 4/12/2008 5:25:55 AM
Author: surfgirl

Date: 4/11/2008 3:29:15 PM

Author: blondie23

STOP coming on to PS asking for help when you aren''t changing anything...when you''re willing to make a change, people on here will be willing to listen and offer advice.


This thread makes me so angry because you are just encouraging and adding to the dysfunction...YOU HAVE A CHOICE TO LEAVE HIM AND STOP TALKING TO HIM....DO IT!

blondie, thank you for saying what was in my head too. I hate these sort of threads because peoples desire to help almost seems to end up fueling/feeding the attention seeking behavior that seems to be part of the problem. If this person wanted out, she''d get out. But instead she keeps saying ''but, but, but...'' I personally think there''s been enough great advice. I think the OP should be spending less time online, and more time at an Al-Anon meeting where she can get help while waiting for her counseling appointment, as was previously recommended, not on a forum seeming to revel in the minutae of a dangerously abusive and failed relationship.

ditto to both posts. Get to counselling asap. You have to break this cycle and stop making excuses for him.

 

[swimmer]

Good Morning Ms. Jam,
So, what is the plan for the day? (not that you have to tell us, but you need to form a plan) Please spend less time analyzing his behavior. There is something chemically wrong with his brain, and momma didn''t help it. Can you change the chemistry in his brain? No. You sitting around trying to figure out what was/is going on in his head is a waste of your time and energy. He certainly isn''t spending that time trying to improve himself or pay back the money he owes you.

There is awesome news though, you can control what is going on in your mind. Be wary of spending= happiness, something you explored before. You are now in your home state, look up old friends who don''t know that you were dating a possibly sociopathic manic hypochondriac manipulative bastard. I bet he has cost you a lot of friends. Schedule some professional development for this summer that will have you traveling and hanging with other teachers (new friends). Just went looking for opportunities this summer and need to know your subject area/grades first, but found over a million hits with Oregon and Teacher Professional Development. There is an NEH to study Tibet that is calling for any certified teachers...spend a month this summer at Holy Cross. Get out and make a plan for doing new things, because girl, the old things are NOT working.

Right now you have no life. Get one and look back only to revel in your newfound friends and activities. Keep that therapy appt!

 

[Girlrocks]

Date: 4/12/2008 8:41:06 AM
Author: bee*

Date: 4/12/2008 5:25:55 AM
Author: surfgirl

Date: 4/11/2008 3:29:15 PM

Author: blondie23

STOP coming on to PS asking for help when you aren''t changing anything...when you''re willing to make a change, people on here will be willing to listen and offer advice.


This thread makes me so angry because you are just encouraging and adding to the dysfunction...YOU HAVE A CHOICE TO LEAVE HIM AND STOP TALKING TO HIM....DO IT!

blondie, thank you for saying what was in my head too. I hate these sort of threads because peoples desire to help almost seems to end up fueling/feeding the attention seeking behavior that seems to be part of the problem. If this person wanted out, she''d get out. But instead she keeps saying ''but, but, but...'' I personally think there''s been enough great advice. I think the OP should be spending less time online, and more time at an Al-Anon meeting where she can get help while waiting for her counseling appointment, as was previously recommended, not on a forum seeming to revel in the minutae of a dangerously abusive and failed relationship.

ditto to both posts. Get to counselling asap. You have to break this cycle and stop making excuses for him.

Especially when a few months ago there was similar posts and you''re still in the same boat. You knew then what was the right thing to do, but chose not to. DO IT NOW!!!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 4/11/2008 3:37:01 PM
Author: risingsun
Mrs Jam~I am a Licensed Professional Counselor and have experience--both professional and personal--dealing with domestic abuse. This man is trying to make you feel guilty for finally fighting back. You have done nothing wrong. Please stop berating yourself. It is imperative that you stop all contact with him. I know this will be very difficult, but it is for your own safety and emotional well-being. He is behaving the way abusers behave. You are not almost killing him, but he is almost killing you. I can''t make a diagnosis for someone I haven''t met, but my impression is that you may be presenting with symptoms of PTSD. You have taken a courageous step by setting up an appointment to see a counselor. It will take time, effort, and pain to move past this terrible chapter in your life. Please start now.

DITTO! I can''t believe you called him again! All of us can see that you are like an alcoholic who just has to have ONE more drink because you think you can handle it. But you know what? Alcohol is POISION to the alcoholic!!! This man is sick and is making you sick! I hope the counselor can make an impression on you because you don''t seem to be hearing the advice you are being given here. You need to CUT HIM OFF and never have contact with him again.

I am sorry to be so direct, but there are a lot of us here who really fear for your safety and mental wellbeing.

 

[mrs jam]

Well, I have been productive. This morning my first errand was to change my cell phone number, so now he cannot contact me. So now all I have to do is to NOT call him ever again. I feel really good and stronger today than I have in a long time, and reading your posts have been a blessing. And for the people completely frustrated with me, God, do I understand your feelings. Someone asked what I would do if it was a friend of mine in this situation, and I would certainly to tell her to get the hell out. Quite frankly, I did need a kick in the butt.

So today''s a good day, and that''s great, but I realize it''s all about how I act when I have the not-so-great days. I''m actually looking forward to talking with a counselor and then seeing about the Al-anon meeting after that. I feel like I am finally being pro-active, and I just want to maintain the effort. I''ve told myself that the end of every relationship is hard, and it''s normal to feel sad, but in this case, it''s more the loss of the dream than the loss of the reality. The reality was pretty much crap. So it''s time to just put on my big girl pants and deal with it.

I spent a lot of time with my older brother and sister-in-law last night. We watched the movie Blades of Glory with Will Farrell and just laughed our asses off. It felt really good. I''m about to leave again to go shopping at a new outlet with a girlfriend. I''m keeping myself busy this weekend.

I did call my friend after I changed my number because I did not want him to worry, and because I owed him a big fat apology for putting him in the middle. I *67ed my new number so he could not give it to my ex, even though I''m pretty sure he wouldn''t do that, but at this time, I don''t want to risk it. I explained to him that just for a while, I think it would be best if I didn''t communicate with him (my friend) for a while until I start getting myself back on track. I don''t want to be tempted into asking him how my ex is doing when I get worried about him. He understood, and he has my work e-mail if he needs to get in touch with me before we speak again.

I''m not naive enough to think everythign will be just peachy again without a ton of work and effort on my part, but I do feel better today than I have in a long time, and that makes me feel really good, and gives me hope that I WILL get past this.

Thank you all so much! EVERYONE''s posts have been a blessing. I''m sorry I''m not responding to individual posts, but it''s a little overwhelming right now, but I am grateful for EVERY response. You all are truly angels.

 

[mrs jam]

Swimmer, I just reread your post about spending not equaling happiness, and I had to laugh after I realized I am about to go outlet shopping with a friend. But not to fear, I learned that lesson a long time ago! On a positive note about my whole depression, when I paid bills this morning and balanced my checkbook, I realized I am in the $$$ right now because I have literally not spent a penny on anything other than food and gas in quite some time. Financially, at least, I feel in total control, and hey, that counts for a lot as far as peace of mind. I will never be Miss Psycho Shopper again.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 4/12/2008 3:32:54 PM
Author: mrs jam
Well, I have been productive. This morning my first errand was to change my cell phone number, so now he cannot contact me. So now all I have to do is to NOT call him ever again. I feel really good and stronger today than I have in a long time, and reading your posts have been a blessing. And for the people completely frustrated with me, God, do I understand your feelings. Someone asked what I would do if it was a friend of mine in this situation, and I would certainly to tell her to get the hell out. Quite frankly, I did need a kick in the butt.

So today's a good day, and that's great, but I realize it's all about how I act when I have the not-so-great days. I'm actually looking forward to talking with a counselor and then seeing about the Al-anon meeting after that. I feel like I am finally being pro-active, and I just want to maintain the effort. I've told myself that the end of every relationship is hard, and it's normal to feel sad, but in this case, it's more the loss of the dream than the loss of the reality. The reality was pretty much crap. So it's time to just put on my big girl pants and deal with it.

I spent a lot of time with my older brother and sister-in-law last night. We watched the movie Blades of Glory with Will Farrell and just laughed our asses off. It felt really good. I'm about to leave again to go shopping at a new outlet with a girlfriend. I'm keeping myself busy this weekend.

I did call my friend after I changed my number because I did not want him to worry, and because I owed him a big fat apology for putting him in the middle. I *67ed my new number so he could not give it to my ex, even though I'm pretty sure he wouldn't do that, but at this time, I don't want to risk it. I explained to him that just for a while, I think it would be best if I didn't communicate with him (my friend) for a while until I start getting myself back on track. I don't want to be tempted into asking him how my ex is doing when I get worried about him. He understood, and he has my work e-mail if he needs to get in touch with me before we speak again.

I'm not naive enough to think everythign will be just peachy again without a ton of work and effort on my part, but I do feel better today than I have in a long time, and that makes me feel really good, and gives me hope that I WILL get past this.

Thank you all so much! EVERYONE's posts have been a blessing. I'm sorry I'm not responding to individual posts, but it's a little overwhelming right now, but I am grateful for EVERY response. You all are truly angels.

Mrs. Jam's sounds like a very good plan.

I am glad you changed your number. Also, stay strong and we are here if you want to talk; take it day by day. In a few months you will realize how toxic he is and that you deserve much better not that scum. Best wishes and glad you are staying busy!

 

[Anastasia]

Mrs. Jam,

The absolute BEST thing about this "relationship" (and yes it is abusive, and no, it is not anywhere near normal), is that he is far, far away!

Go to your counseling appointment. You need a lot of PROFESSIONAL help right now. Posts on an internet forum are not going to get you through this, you have been so beaten down by him, that you need more help than a lot of random strangers can offer. This whole thing is so far from normal, that I''m not sure you would recognize normal right now if it bit you in the hiney.

Concentrate on friends and family, and those who truly love you. His version of love is very sick and twisted, and apparently he has you buying into it. Do not spend another minute thinking about what is going on in his mind, but do spend a lot of time learning what is going on in YOUR mind. That is the only thing you have any control over.

The one thing that keeps sticking out in my mind is that you seem to think you were verbally abusive to him. You need to recognize the difference between anger and abuse. He goaded you into it and clearly was flaunting this behavior to you in order to elicit a response. Then when you laid into him, he accused you of verbal abuse. Abuse is when someone is having physical problems, and the "only one who can really love you" calls them a drama queen, and refuses to help them get medical treatment. And your "abuse" almost killed him? Come on! The guilt trip over almost killing you and leaving his child fatherless is reprehensible. I feel so sad that he has a child who will grow up with him as a father.

Get your counseling - only look forward and don''t look back. One day you will find a man who truly does love you. You have a bright future ahead, no go ahead and find it.

 

[MoonWater]

This thread makes me so sad. I'm glad to see you are doing better mrs jam! But just in case you get tempted again and think he will change I will say this: This guy sounds exactly like my mother (who I believe has bi polar disorder among other things). I put up with her abuse (physical, mental, and emotional) for over 20 years. Obviously, as I was the child, this was not by choice. By the time I was 18 I mustered up the courage to hang up on her (I haven't lived in her house since I was 13). That was the very beginning of me fighting back. Once it came down to an actual physical fight where she wasn't the only one doing the beating. It wasn't until I was 26 years old that I finally realized I needed to break all contact. Unlike your situation, this was my mother, so I thought it was my duty to always be there for her etc. What scared me most was becoming a worst person because of her. I would like children in the future and I just thought, what if I did what she did to me, to them? That scared the living sh*t out of me and I dropped my mother like a hot potato.

People often attempt to make me feel guilty, "But she's your mother!", they do not know who she is. She is an absolute psycho! Every time that guilt rises I think of my future children and it puts me in my place. Incidentally, once I stopped talking to her, I found out more things about her evilness from other family members. I was told that my grandmother will not be having a funeral because NO ONE WANTS TO DEAL WITH MY PSYCHOTIC MOTHER!!! We can't even have nice family get togethers because of this woman. Everyone fears being in her presence.

Let me tell you, a person like this DOES NOT CHANGE without some professional help and probably lots of medication (and even then I'd wait several years to allow them to develop consistency in their behavior before ever talking to them). As long as the abuser blames everyone else and never takes responsibility for their actions, THEY WILL NOT CHANGE. Never trust those moments of clarity they have either. My mother did this to me countless times. She'll call and apologize, she'll be super sweet for a while, and just when you think things are good, she completely snaps. She destroyed my self esteem. I was told all my life that I'm above average when it comes to learning. I should have excelled in everything, and yet I ended up in crap schools for quite a while. The second I stopped talking to her I earned straight As at better schools. Seriously, every aspect of my life was a whole lot better. I accomplished more and I was severely happy for the first time in my entire life. No one could ever convince me to welcome that nutso back into my life.

So please, pretty please, stay strong and don't look back. You will not regret it.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I''m glad for the update Mrs. Jam! Enjoy your time with your friend today. Maybe you''ll both get cute new outfits and then decide to go out later on the town.

 

[dianne]

Now you''re talking!!...a great start for a plan. I think having a plan/goal is empowering because you aren''t fumbling around wondering what to do. It simply gives you direction. I''m glad you posted today. I signed on specifically to check on you. Hope you are ready to "do this thing". Take care, God Bless, and stay strong. I hope to only see accomplishments listed in your future postings and I can''t wait for the healthy YOU to move on with your life.

 

[diamondfan]

Mrs. Jam, that is great. Just keep telling yourself how bad this relationship is and do not get sucked in.

not to threadjack...

Moon, I am sorry about your mom. And don''t you hate when people say, It''s your mom!" as a rationale for going back in the situation, as if you are not aware that she is your mom or that makes mistreatment tolerable or okay?

I have a sister who is toxic, nasty, spiteful, manipulative, likely mentally unstable and in total denial about how she is. I put it with it for so long, out of the she is my blood relative guilt. But then realized that I would never allow a friend or non relative to treat me this way, to hurt me, my family, as she had been, and that just because she and I came out of the same mom did not mean she was healthy for me to be around, or a good person, etc. But there are so many people who do not fathom that at all, just cannot understand someone feeling that they have reached that point with a family member. I have learned it is best not to discuss my choice with people who feel that way because no amount of reality testing helps them to get it.

 

[Sha]

Date: 4/12/2008 3:32:54 PM
Author: mrs jam
Well, I have been productive. This morning my first errand was to change my cell phone number, so now he cannot contact me. So now all I have to do is to NOT call him ever again. I feel really good and stronger today than I have in a long time, and reading your posts have been a blessing. And for the people completely frustrated with me, God, do I understand your feelings. Someone asked what I would do if it was a friend of mine in this situation, and I would certainly to tell her to get the hell out. Quite frankly, I did need a kick in the butt.

So today''s a good day, and that''s great, but I realize it''s all about how I act when I have the not-so-great days. I''m actually looking forward to talking with a counselor and then seeing about the Al-anon meeting after that. I feel like I am finally being pro-active, and I just want to maintain the effort. I''ve told myself that the end of every relationship is hard, and it''s normal to feel sad, but in this case, it''s more the loss of the dream than the loss of the reality. The reality was pretty much crap. So it''s time to just put on my big girl pants and deal with it.

I spent a lot of time with my older brother and sister-in-law last night. We watched the movie Blades of Glory with Will Farrell and just laughed our asses off. It felt really good. I''m about to leave again to go shopping at a new outlet with a girlfriend. I''m keeping myself busy this weekend.

I did call my friend after I changed my number because I did not want him to worry, and because I owed him a big fat apology for putting him in the middle. I *67ed my new number so he could not give it to my ex, even though I''m pretty sure he wouldn''t do that, but at this time, I don''t want to risk it. I explained to him that just for a while, I think it would be best if I didn''t communicate with him (my friend) for a while until I start getting myself back on track. I don''t want to be tempted into asking him how my ex is doing when I get worried about him. He understood, and he has my work e-mail if he needs to get in touch with me before we speak again.

I''m not naive enough to think everythign will be just peachy again without a ton of work and effort on my part, but I do feel better today than I have in a long time, and that makes me feel really good, and gives me hope that I WILL get past this.

Thank you all so much! EVERYONE''s posts have been a blessing. I''m sorry I''m not responding to individual posts, but it''s a little overwhelming right now, but I am grateful for EVERY response. You all are truly angels.

Good for you! This is definitely a good start.

 

[Mara]

wow i didn't even read all the posts...but i totally remember your posts in the past about this guy and your religious differences then. sorry to say i could have predicted this would end this way...your old posts sounded so bizarre i remember thinking 'is she seriously wanting to marry this guy?'. i couldn't fathom why.

reading your post made me so incredibly sad that you had to ask this question. i am so glad that you are seeking help and making some steps on your own. everything you wrote just reeks of 'seeking approval'...and that's ridiculous. when i read the part where you said you are so sad because you wanted to be the woman for him who could love him etc etc...i honestly think WHY? this guy sounds like a serious bonehead from everything you typed. what are his redeeming qualities?

good for you on making your appt. this is NOT about him, it's really about YOU. why would YOU want to stay with someone like this? why would YOU put up with this from anyone you allow in your life. your life is sacred as is your personal space. YOU need to figure out what it is that makes you want to be with this guy, seek his approval, put up with this drama and him toying with you. life is short and you should be HAPPY....not having to deal with some clown who wants to mess with your head.

i also remember you from years past, when you were married and you always seemed like you had a pretty good head on your shoulders. i do know that NO ONE deserves how this person is treating you and YOU DESERVE BETTER. everyone deserves to be loved and treated well. if you don't think that yet, then you need to find a way to get to a place where you can.

i can't even really say what i am thinking about this guy, but yes you are being mentally abused and yes you deserve better. as others have said and you have already started to do....WALK AWAY and do not look back. good luck with your counseling and figuring things out. you totally can do it and hold tight to the good in your life and your good friends because they will take care of you.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 4/12/2008 1:33:24 AM
Author: AGBF

Date: 4/11/2008 2:57:22 PM
Author: mrs jam

I have counseling set up next week. I also found information for Al-Anon and know times and dates of meetings. I have been reading and rereading all of your replies, and I know that I am having a problem.

These are wonderful steps! Can you, now, take that step out the door to an Al-Anon meeting? Remember, if you do not like one, try another. Not all meetings are alike! I really commend you on doing the footwork necessary for positive action!

Hugs,
Deb

First of all, DITTO! DITTO!

And I'm so glad you're still checking in here!

I did the right thing, you're taking the right steps. I know you're probabvly still questioning them, or feeling guilty, or even starting to look for excuses for not following through, but take it from everyone who has posted on this thread -- you did the right thing! Give yourself a big pat on the back!

And also, consider some steps you might take right now, before you find an Al-anon meeting, to protect yourself and reinforce the steps you've already taken.

Can you program your phone to reject his calls, or just plain change your phone number?

If he has a key to your house, consider getting the locks changed.

Consider calling a crisis center to talk to someone for additional support, or to a friend that you know would provide emotional support.

Above all, do not call him or accept his calls. He has been manipulating you, controlling you, lying to you, and generally jerking your chain. You do not owe him an apology. You do not owe him an explanation. You cannot trust anything he might have to say to you, anyway!

If you can't find an Al-anon meeting today, consider Emotions Anonymous or Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA or ACOA). None of them will question whether you "fit the description," they'll all welcome you.

ETA I just read that you have already changed your phone number, and gotten together with people you trust.

You've started to take charge of your life again! WOOHOO!

 

[movie zombie]

honey.....and i never call anyone honey......some day you''re going to wake up and wish you''d have screamed and yelled at this a..h...e harder and longer......trust me.

did you get the book? are you reading it? the important thing to do is to get a clue as to why you''re in this mess in the first place. and again believe me: its in you, not him. yes, he''s a jerk but you knew that and decided to go with it. one of the issues you''ll find in the book is the hope inside you that he''ll wake up and realize how good you are for him and he''ll finally appreciate you......and trust me on this one: he won''t.

keep the counseling appointment, got al-anon meetings, and read the book!

movie zombie

 

[diamondseeker2006]

You''ve made some big strides today! I will pray for you, mrs Jam!!!

 

[simplysplendid]

Hi Mrs Jam,

I read all, well, most of the posts and I agree with the rest of the posts. I am glad you are doing something but I hope that you are doing it because you are angry with the way he is abusing and controlling you, not because of his internet affair with the Philippines lady.

Whenever you feel weak, read Luckystar''s posts. Remember that you have every right to be angry with the way he is treating you. It seems to me that he puts you down to control you and hence controlling the access to your money. I think I can see what the relationship would have led to in the future -- he would have erased your self esteem, your contacts with your family and friends as well as the balance in your bank account i.e a totally broken down and bankrupt You. Also, please don''t think that just because you had a divorce that the very next relationship you are in must be It. You should be taking time to find the right one.

Remind yourself that you are a gorgeous, educated, intelligent and smart woman who deserves to be loved and pampered and nothing less. Indulge in some pampering now -- get a facial, buy some pretty clothes and shoes, get some new cosmetics etc.. whatever to make you feel great and gorgeous. Start loving yourself and feeling confident again!

 

[risingsun]

Good for you, mrs jam!! Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. You are taking steps to reclaim your life

 

[Deelight]

Good for you Congratulations for making the first very important step to a new and better beginning

 

[anchor31]

I''m very glad and relieved you are taking steps and moving forward. Stay strong, you can do it!

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 4/12/2008 5:02:26 PM
Author: diamondfan
Mrs. Jam, that is great. Just keep telling yourself how bad this relationship is and do not get sucked in.


not to threadjack...


Moon, I am sorry about your mom. And don''t you hate when people say, It''s your mom!'' as a rationale for going back in the situation, as if you are not aware that she is your mom or that makes mistreatment tolerable or okay?

Yeah really. It seems absurd that people would say that.

I have a sister who is toxic, nasty, spiteful, manipulative, likely mentally unstable and in total denial about how she is. I put it with it for so long, out of the she is my blood relative guilt. But then realized that I would never allow a friend or non relative to treat me this way, to hurt me, my family, as she had been, and that just because she and I came out of the same mom did not mean she was healthy for me to be around, or a good person, etc. But there are so many people who do not fathom that at all, just cannot understand someone feeling that they have reached that point with a family member. I have learned it is best not to discuss my choice with people who feel that way because no amount of reality testing helps them to get it.

Yeah it sucks when it''s a relative. Although you can''t choose your family, you can chose who you wish to be around. A toxic person is a toxic person, regardless of their relation to you.

/end threadjack.

 

[diamondfan]

Moon, I have had these surreal conversations with people about how she hurt me and went after my oldest son...after I told them about the YEARS of crap I endured, from as long as I could remember...

"but she is your sister"

"yes, and I am her sister, but that did not stop her from harming me and harming my son? No, it did not, and this was years and years of stuff, not just a single incident"

"but can''t you just get over it? I mean, she is your blood, your only sister"

"yes, but she is toxic and hurtful and not well mentally and I cannot surround myself with that type of person:

"yeah, but she is your sister, maybe you are over reacting a bit, can''t you just move on and forget about it?"

The issue is, as it is, in my view, for Mrs. Jam, is there is no getting over continual mistreatment. Everyone has erred or screwed up, and hopefully can right the wrong. I can see forgiving that person then, and deciding to still try to have some sort of involvement with them. But when it is non stop and dangerous and unhealthy, who says YOU have to be the one to deal and suck it up? Why? So you can knowingly go back to such a negative situation, so you can knowingly put yourself back in an emotionally or physically dangerous/vulnerable spot? I mean, does that get you anywhere in the long run, except hurt? How many times does one have to be abused on these levels before one can stop the cycle and realize it is not the way to go, that one does not have to live this way, nor should they?

Mrs. Jam, it will be tough, and you will need to be strong. He might seem great in the dark hours from far away. HE IS NOT. He is petty and turns the tables to keep you off balance. I have lived this, trust me he is not good for you. To mistreat you and yet have you begging for crumbs from him is typical of an abuser. I know you are taking steps, they will be steep, but keep persevering. You are worth it.

 

[arjunajane]

Mrs J I am extremely relieved to hear that you''ve started your steps in the right direction.
Good for you and please do keep strong.

 

[fabcrab]

Stay strong Mrs. Jam! Remember we''re here if you need a shoulder to cry on.