Feeling numb

[luckystar112]

I seriously just can't even believe what I'm reading....
The man has been married twice, is BROKE with TWO bankruptcies (sp?) under his belt, controlling, possessive, manipulating...downright EVIL! To me, it sound like the guy is liking his free meal ticket. I mean, come on....you fly to see him once a month, you help him with his bills...and he DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO SEE YOU. It's his perfect relationship!

mrs jam...GET OUT of this relationship!! You know it's abusive, we know it's abusive...don't let him control you anymore. Stop ignoring your intuition, it is there for a reason!

You live far away from him...you don't even have to see him. CUT. HIM. OFF. You're a smart girl with a graduate degree and money in the bank...as hard as it is, please use that common sense we know you have.

This guy is a user, abuser, and most of all....LOSER!!

I agree with others, and it's sad to say that it sound like he has really broken you down emotionally. I really hope you find help as well. You don't deserve to be treated like this!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 4/9/2008 11:35:21 PM
Author: luckystar112
I seriously just can't even believe what I'm reading....

The man has been married twice, is BROKE with TWO bankruptcies (sp?) under his belt, controlling, possessive, manipulating...downright EVIL! To me, it sound like the guy is liking his free meal ticket. I mean, come on....you fly to see him once a month, you help him with his bills...and he DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO SEE YOU. It's his perfect relationship!


mrs jam...GET OUT of this relationship!! You know it's abusive, we know it's abusive...don't let him control you anymore. Stop ignoring your intuition, it is there for a reason!


You live far away from him...you don't even have to see him. CUT. HIM. OFF. You're a smart girl with a graduate degree and money in the bank...as hard as it is, please use that common sense we know you have.


This guy is a user, abuser, and most of all....LOSER!!


I agree with others, and it's sad to say that it sound like he has really broken you down emotionally. I really hope you find help as well. You don't deserve to be treated like this!

Lucky is totally right.

 

[arjunajane]

Mrs Jam,
I honestly feel for you and from the position of someone who has also been in an abusive relationship. (btw isn''t it sad how many ladies who have responded just in this thread and said they''ve been in something simliar..?

)
I have to say, if you''re going to ask for opinions and help you need to ACCEPT THEM! I know I know it is hard to identify you''re in an abusive r''ship when you''re stuck in it, but you''ve already admmitted you know its bad and only getting worse!
Please please do NOT waste any more of your precious time in this life - there is absolutely NO reason why you need to speak to him ever again. According to you you live ages away - just change your number and be done with him - ONCE AND FOR ALL!
I''m sorry for shouting but your posts make me sad - even after all the unanimous replies you have had here about needing to get the hell away from him, you still post about all the "bad things" you''re supposed to have done, and almost in defense of him?? no!

You simply need to move on - please take it from me, for whatever reason I had problems with choosing decent men when I was younger and for this reason spent many wasted years of the prime of my teenage/almost 20 years in useless dead end and abusive relationships. Now that I am engaged to an awesome guy that treats me with respect and takes his responsibilities as an adult, a man and a partner seriously, I look back and think I must have been temporarily crazy for accepting any less than great treatment from a r''ship.

Also, and I mean no offense by this , but i''m worried about your own mental and emotional state. You have been in this toxic thing too long and have let him influence your self respect, self love and idea of self. I feel you should really seek counselling to assist in moving on and putting this behind you FOR GOOD. It sounds like you have a pretty good support group with your family and friends but I''m concerned that no one has put their foot down sooner and told you what PS''ers are telling you now,..
I think seeing a counsellor will help you in not repeating your co dependant behaviour and start re building your inner strength and peace.

Do it for you Mrs Jam, you have catered to him for way too long!

 

[Deelight]

Date: 4/9/2008 8:50:22 PM
Author: WTNLVR
Well, I AM a licenced therapist and you should stop all contact immediately. No calls, change your numbers,etc... This is an extremely toxic relationship and he sounds seriously mentally ill. Possibly with a sociopathic personality. He does not love you but wants to control you as all abusers do. Get out while you can. Seek help from a local womans hotline and move on. Sorry, that IS my professional opinion. Enough said... I know it won''t be easy but these types are expert manipulators.

I so have to agree with this, this guys sounds a few eggs short of a dozen to say the least, me personally I would change all my numbers, close all my email contacts severe any ties with him including mutual friends and MOVE somewhere away from where he can''t find you and seek professional help. Emotional abuse is just has painful as physical abuse and should be tolerated by NO-ONE.

 

[Delster]

mrs jam, yes, this is emotional abuse. I don''t buy the religion point. It''s just a smokescreen to justify his wanting to control your every move. You are a toy to him, he doesn''t love you, he''s just playing with you. Sweet one minute, nasty the next. Seriously, when he tells you he loves you, what he means is that he loves being able to control you. He doesn''t fear losing you because he loves you, he fears losing out on the kick he gets out of controlling you. Waking you up in the middle of the night to yell at you??? Wanting you to pay off all his debts???

I wonder should someone go back and make a list of all the things he''s done to you, as you''ve described them to us. You don''t seem to be able just now to see it objectively - you keep putting the blame back onto yourself when that is the last place it belongs.

Please please please listen to WTNLVR and get out. Immediately. I''m so sorry this has happened to you. You deserve better.

 

[Pandora II]

Been there, done that - for far too many years.

The longer you stay, the more damage you will do to yourself and the harder it will be to break the cycle.

Please buy a copy of ''Women Who Love Too Much'' - it really helped me to understand my situation, and everytime I felt like calling or felt sorry for him I would read that book and it helped me stand firm and get out of the relationship.

LEAVE THIS MAN NOW.

TODAY

CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER ASAP

He will NEVER change, no matter how much you want him too, and no amount of love, understanding, self-sacrifice on your part will make the slightest bit of difference.

Trust me, 3 months down the line you will wonder what the hell you saw in him and why you did this to yourself.

 

[bee*]

Date: 4/9/2008 11:35:21 PM
Author: luckystar112
I seriously just can''t even believe what I''m reading....

The man has been married twice, is BROKE with TWO bankruptcies (sp?) under his belt, controlling, possessive, manipulating...downright EVIL! To me, it sound like the guy is liking his free meal ticket. I mean, come on....you fly to see him once a month, you help him with his bills...and he DOESN''T EVEN HAVE TO SEE YOU. It''s his perfect relationship!


mrs jam...GET OUT of this relationship!! You know it''s abusive, we know it''s abusive...don''t let him control you anymore. Stop ignoring your intuition, it is there for a reason!


You live far away from him...you don''t even have to see him. CUT. HIM. OFF. You''re a smart girl with a graduate degree and money in the bank...as hard as it is, please use that common sense we know you have.


This guy is a user, abuser, and most of all....LOSER!!


I agree with others, and it''s sad to say that it sound like he has really broken you down emotionally. I really hope you find help as well. You don''t deserve to be treated like this!

ditto what luckystar wrote. Get out now. Tell your friends, tell your family and get support.

 

[krispi]

Whether he intends to be abusive or not, this relationship is definitely not good for you! It sounds like he''s dealing with quite a few issues of his own and for whatever reason is taking them out on you. I went through a similar experience with my ex-husband. His severe depression really injured my self-esteem. It wasn''t until I started therapy that I really started to see what was going on. He had even made me doubt the things that I had liked the most about myself. Funny how as soon as he was out of the picture, that all started to change and I felt like I reclaimed a lot of my true self at that point. Please don''t contact him anymore and find yourself a good therapist who can help you sort this all out and learn how to prevent getting into this kind of situation in the future.

 

[togal]

mrs.jam:

I haven't read any of the replies, so forgive me if others have said similar things.....but you clearly have SERIOUS self-esteem issues. I know all too well what religious sect this guy has been disfellowshipped from. Its sounds to me that, although he was disfellowshipped, he still whole heartedly believes in the dogma, with a lot of guilt piled on top of it....not to mention the fact that he's been shunned by all of his former social circle. He clearly has a lot of mental issues that have little to do with you.

Given everything you've written.....it's clearly time for you to break free of the toxic bond that you've formed with this man....and start working on building your self-esteem, so that your future choices in men are much, much better. This man will only serve to continue to undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem. It's quite obvious that he's done a lot of emotional damage to you.....evidenced by all that you've written. Honestly, most self-respecting women would not have put up with 1/8th of what you've endured. My advice is to simply end it once and for all and start moving forward with your life. You might think about seeking professional counselling if you're having difficulty doing this.

 

[movie zombie]

Pandora, i''m glad i''m not the only pricescoper admitting to reading the book. more importantly, it was instrumental in me understanding myself....and only then can one make the changes.

movie zombie

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Isn''t it strange how difficult it is to take a step towards real empowerment? I think you know you are in a toxic, abusive, controlling relationship, yet still the unknown of your life without him is too scary to really take the step towards freedom from all of it. In your posts it sounds like you feel completely broken and don''t know what to do.

For that reason, I think that getting yourself into individual counseling is critical. I''ve seen family members try to separate themselves from an abusive relationship only to get sucked in many times because of the manipulation and undeserved guilt. The bottom line is that being in an abusive relationship lowers your self esteem to the point where in some odd way you feel that it''s what you deserve or that you can''t do any better. This is why I think that working on your own self esteem is is the first step towards becoming more empowered.

You need to get p*ssed. You need to feel that anger that comes with the realization that you have been verbally and emotionaly abused, controlled and manipulated by a coward for TOO LONG. That you aren''t going to put up with his sh*t for another week, day or minute. You need to cut him off in every possible way--change your home and cell phone numbers, change your email address...possibly block his number/email address from your work account. Don''t allow yourself to be manipulated anymore. Once you start to take those steps towards getting control back in your life, you''ll wonder how why you didn''t do it a long time ago.

Master manipulators always find a way to reach out to you--the key is to avoid it. If they can''t email or call, they will send letters, show up on your doorstep. They will do anything to try to pull you back in. And then they isolate you by making you feel guilty--this is all your fault, I was trying my hardest, you abandoned me, BLAH BLAH BLAH! It''s all just a game--meaningless words. When this happened to my sister she replied to the manipulation by saying "yes, I did. I abandoned you, I left you, this was my decision and I do not and will not feel guilty about it." When her abusive ex-husband realized there was no way he could manipulate her anymore, he stopped trying. It took a LOT of time and a lot of strength on her part.

I wish you nothing but the best. I hope you can break out of this cycle. As I tell many women who are in toxic relatoinships, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

 

[sumbride]

If you have to ask if you are in an abusive relationship, you ARE. This man is a pure sociopathic USER. Get away from him! NOW. You''ve posted about him a number of times. What do we need to say to make you take it seriously? You DESERVE BETTER!!! KNOW THAT!

 

[AGBF]

There is a lot of sisterhood here. I agree with a great deal of what the other Pricescope women have written. I am a licensed clinical social worker, but social workers are hired to do 85% of the psychotherapy in the United States so I am probably as close as some others posting here to being a "licensed therapist". I just identify myself professionally with social work so I usually call myself a "social worker" .

Everyone has analyzed the dynamics of your relationship and urged you to leave. I have one more concrete suggestion: go to Al-Anon. You need not have a relationship with a drinker to "qualify" for Al-Anon. If you have a relationship with a difficult person and you want help in handling it, you qualify for membership in Al-Anon.

The key to Al-Anon is that the work will be on yourself. It will be free. You will find support (LOTS of it) there without having to tell any of your friends or family members whom you are loathe to tell. It will not only help you with ending this relationship, but may help you to see why you were able to fall into and stay in this relationship so that you will not do the same thing again.

The sisterhood on Pricescope made me think of the sisterhood in Al-Anon.

Psychotherapy is a great option, but Al-anon will give you immediate support of the type you get here...i.e. support with anonymity. I wish you well.

Hugs,
Deborah

 

[choro72]

Date: 4/10/2008 12:04:08 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Isn''t it strange how difficult it is to take a step towards real empowerment? I think you know you are in a toxic, abusive, controlling relationship, yet still the unknown of your life without him is too scary to really take the step towards freedom from all of it. In your posts it sounds like you feel completely broken and don''t know what to do.


For that reason, I think that getting yourself into individual counseling is critical. I''ve seen family members try to separate themselves from an abusive relationship only to get sucked in many times because of the manipulation and undeserved guilt. The bottom line is that being in an abusive relationship lowers your self esteem to the point where in some odd way you feel that it''s what you deserve or that you can''t do any better. This is why I think that working on your own self esteem is is the first step towards becoming more empowered.

My thoughts exactly.

I have one more to input. When my BF was with his ex, she demanded that he help pay her bills, rent, plane tickets to visit her family (BF was not invited), buy a car, clothings, cosmetics which she claimed to use towards her career in fashion, expensive studio pictures, and also free use of his credit card. Much more to the list, but you get the idea. In the end she disappeared, and BF was left with the bill.
It was a good thing that his friend is his financial adviser, because it took him years to rebuild his credit. He didn''t have to file bankruptcy, but he had to refinance his house, tweak his investments, change his retirement plans, change his car payment plans...You really don''t want to go through that.
If you are emotionally scared of leaving him, think about what he is doing to your finances. Whatever you do, do NOT sign anything in his behalf. At least my BF didn''t have that sort of baggage.

 

[Cyren]

Ms. Jam I was in a relationship for two years that sounds like a carbon copy of yours--it was the hardest thing I''ve ever done to get out of it, but saying that it was "worth it" to leave would be the biggest understatement of my life. Feeling and living this way is not living. Leave him.

I don''t know where you are located, but my suggestion would be to look up your local YWCA chapter, they have free and 24 hour abused women counseling, just walk in and someone will help you. They can plan with you about how to leave, how to separate yourself from him, and how to begin anew. But mostly they will listen, talking about this is incredibly important, keep talking! They will be able to help you all the more for being in physical proximity to you.

This is their website YWCA

Cyren

 

[omieluv]

Mrs. Jam,

Many people in the PS sisterhood have referred to the term "breaking the cycle" of abuse. Please indulge me as I attempt to define it for you. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete. Often, as time goes on, the ''making-up'' and ''calm'' stages disappear. There are several definitions of this cycle out there, but they all seem rather similar.

Incident
Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building
Abuser starts to get angry
Abuse may begin
There is a breakdown of communication
Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels like they are ''walking on egg shells''

Making-Up
Abuser may apologize for abuse
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims
Calm
Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Physical abuse may not be taking place
Promises made during ''making-up'' may be met
Victim may hope that the abuse is over
Abuser may give gifts to victim

 

[HollyS]

Date: 4/9/2008 10:12:34 PM
Author: mrs jam
Thank you to all of you so much. I am sorry for being so long-winded, but I am a fast typer and I''m just trying to put it all together in my head. I just can''t figure out why he is doing this and keep thinking I am deserving of it for some reason. I have seen the way he can be really charming and sweet to people and so many people would say he''s a really great guy. He could be very physically affectionate and could make me feel really good about myself. But then when I messed up, it was all over. One minute I felt like a queen and the next a garbage can. I really wanted his approval and it made me feel really good when he was happy with me. And really crappy when he wasn''t. He used to tell me that he knew no other woman ever loved him like I loved him, and that made me feel good and I thought there was hope he could finally be happy once his job situation stabilized. As for the religious differences, I thought that maybe when other areas of our life started to go better, it wouldn''t be such a big deal anymore because plenty of couples deal with religious differences respectfully. It''s just hard because I keep looking for a reason why he wanted to find someone else on the internet who isn''t even ''real.'' I don''t know why it''s so hard, but it just is. I feel ugly and stupid and like I am missing out on something. I wanted to be the woman that would make him happy, and it hurts to know that he is searching for that with someone else.

Why him??? He isn''t worth wanting -- for any reason. Abusers always build you up to knock you down. If you stay in this hellish situation, it will only escalate from here. If you think you''re unhappy now, just wait. DUMP HIS BUTT. MAKE SURE HE CANNOT REACH YOU IN ANY WAY. It does not take a licensed therapist to know he dangerously strange.

If are doubting yourself and really believe his trash, you need some very serious counseling. I urge you to get help now.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 4/10/2008 11:55:14 AM
Author: movie zombie
Pandora, i'm glad i'm not the only pricescoper admitting to reading the book. more importantly, it was instrumental in me understanding myself....and only then can one make the changes.

movie zombie

I think this book was possibly one of the best purchases I ever made in my life.

It completely opened my eyes to what I was doing to myself, the choices I made and why I made them - and how screwed up the it all was.

That book and the help of a psychologist put my life back on track in a healthy direction.


I still don't get what abusive men get out of their relationships - I'm certain they are deeply abnormal twisted people.

Mrs Jam, if you are sitting there reading all our reponses and still convincing yourself that we are wrong and that it will work out and you can't leave him - despite the little voice in your head - just remember that lots of us have been in your shoes. We know exactly what it feels like at this point when you are starting to admit - if only to yourself - that things are bad.

We found the strength to get out and recover and so can you.

Being in an abusive relationship is not a sign that you are a weak and spineless person. No relationship starts that way straight off - you'd walk out straight away. It starts gradually till you are in so deep and have so little self-esteem left that you can't see things straight. I have met women who are as clever, beautiful, successful and clued up as you can be - and who have been in abusive relationships. Abusers will find your vulnerable spots and go for them.

None of this abuse is your fault and you shouldn't feel ashamed or guilty about it. But it will be your fault if you fail to put an end to it now that you are realising what is going on.

 

[sred2]

Date: 4/9/2008 10:09:25 PM
Author: diamondfan
If that second post was meant to clarify something, it only served to make him look worse. He is a bully and a manipulative man and you are better off away from him.

I agre with this 100000%. Get yourself out of this relationship! Listen to all of the great advice everyone has given you!!!!

You deserve MUCH better!!!!!!

(((HUGS!!)))

 

[nclrgirl]

I agree with everyone. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 3 years...it ended over 3 years ago and I still sleep with my bedroom door closed (in case he had a copy made when we were together and he had a key to my apartment) and wake up in the middle of the night screaming and scared half to death. GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!! It was the best thing that I''ve ever done.

My exBF tried to get money from me too, and got quite alot, not that it did any good, since he had to claim bankruptcy anyway after we broke up.

I also think it''s a wonderful idea to get counseling. I never did (it doesn''t go over well in my industry with security clearances so I felt like it would hurt my career), and I still struggle with serious self-esteem issues because of it, which I know is not fair to my FI.

My heart and prayers go out to you. Take some time for you. Hugs!

 

[Gypsy]

I feel like I'm adding my voice to a screaming crowd desperate to be heard by someone who, despite her posts, isn't ready to hear us.

Ms. Jam: He is abusing you. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Nothing you have done has "earned" you this treatment. And it is wrong.

Please get the book the others have recommended. That's all. Just take that small step. Go to amazon.com. Order the book. Have it sent to your house. Then for a week, everytime you want to call him, pick up the book and read for 30 minutes.

Then please, read our posts again.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/9/2008 10:58:23 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
What are you getting out of this? What does it do for you to have somebody mistreat you? What does it do for you to analyze insults and recriminations? Do you enjoy the attention that you get from your mutual friend with him, your friends and family, and the PS community? Because it''s one thing to need a wake up call . . . it''s another to include ''lean on friends and family and internet support'' as part of the dysfunctional cycle which you know deep down you aren''t willing to break out of.

DITTO. I''m sorry Mrs Jam but your post almost makes me angry. Angry & frustrated. Others have pointed out the IMHO obvious answer to your query about the definition of abuse. And more still, including PROFESSIONAL THERAPISTS have advised you to a) have no further contact with him b) get counseling for yourself.

I''ll offer this: stop fixating on the nitpickiest details of your story, as if savoring a fine meal

and cast your eyes on what one might call "the big picture". That MAN = BAD. That DREAM = OVER.

 

[fabcrab]

PLEASE GET OUT OF THIS TOXIC RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW. I know that might be easier said than done but know that you always have us to rely on in this difficult time. Hugs! I am not much for words in forums such as this, but please get some help and support from friends, family, and/or a professional. I know you may feel embarassed for still being in this relationship with this horrid man, but I think you need all the support you can get from your loved ones.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 4/9/2008 8:50:22 PM
Author: WTNLVR
Well, I AM a licenced therapist and you should stop all contact immediately. No calls, change your numbers,etc... This is an extremely toxic relationship and he sounds seriously mentally ill. Possibly with a sociopathic personality. He does not love you but wants to control you as all abusers do. Get out while you can. Seek help from a local womans hotline and move on. Sorry, that IS my professional opinion. Enough said... I know it won''t be easy but these types are expert manipulators.

SERIOUSLY MENTALLY ILL!!!!! Are you hearing this MrsJam? That''s what I was thinking when I read the post. You need to see a therapist who specializes in abuse. This is not about religion. I seriously doubt he is closely following this religion, whatever it may be, considering what you have told us. He is using it for some kind of control. He does not love you. Please end this now!!!

{{{hugs}}}

 

[Sha]

WOW!!! !!

I am so glad you walked away from this relationship, and I really hope you don't ever think of going back to this man, not even in a moment of weakness!

I was also in an abusive relationship 5 years ago, and sooo many things you said remind me of my ex!!

THIS GUY MAKES IT SEEM LIKE EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT!! It seems like he finds a way to blame you for every bad thing that he does!! That is definitely abusive behaviour - he is SYSTEMATICALLY eroding your sense of self-worth with every critical comment he makes, and causing you to doubt your abilities, your attractiveness, your worth to your family etc. The more insecure YOU are then the more powerful HE becomes. My ex did the same thing. When I met my ex, I considered myself to be an attractive, capable, intelligent woman, but he would always find ways to make little derisive comments about me.... He didn't like how I dressed, I was clumsy, I didn't cook well. etc. etc, till I found myself questioning things about myself that never crossed my mind before. I NEVER thought I was clumsy until he mentioned it...... after a while I started wondering if he was right. This is what this kind of relationship will do to you - cause you to doubt yourself and blame yourself for everything in your life and his life that goes wrong! My ex and I have been divorced for a while now... we no longer live in the same country....but he still sends me emails asking me what I did to him to cause him to go through the struggles that he has gone through over the past 5 years!! I haven't even SEEN HIM for the past 5 years!! Can you believe it? That's what an abuser does - IT'S ALWAYS YOUR FAULT. YOU'RE ALWAYS WRONG AND HE'S ALWAYS RIGHT.

ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR HAPPENS IN CYCLES. It's hardly ever completely bad or completely good - but bad, then good, then back to bad, then back to good etc. lIf things were always bad you would've left him a long time ago. The good moments happen so that he can keep you around. It sounds like your ex had you locked into that kind of cycle. One week he's loving and can't live without you, you're the best thing that ever happened to him etc etc. - then the next week he's putting you down and making you cry. You threaten to leave him, he apologizes, you forgive him and things get better... the next week he refuses to take your phone calls. It's all a cycle. And it's all about control. It's difficult to leave when he's sweet and loving and apologizing, and pouring out his heart to you...but the moment you're locked in again and his bad behaviour comes back. My ex was the same way. After he was verbally abusive towards me he would always come back and apologize....sometimes cry, sometimes say what a horrible person and that he didn't deserve me, and always promise never to do it again. But it ALWAYS happened again. I would cry and then forgive him.. things would be good for a while....then he would go right back to calling me a bitch.

One time my ex was abusive to me and I packed up my things and went back to live with my old roommate (temporarily...I really wanted to teach him a lesson). After a few days passed and my ex realized I wasn't back, he left a message on my phone saying he was leaving the country and going back to his homeland, that he couldnt' take living anymore...blah blah. Of course I was shocked so I went back over there frantically to find out what was happening...only to find him sitting at the computer casually surfing the Net. I asked..|What's happening? Are you really leaving?" He said, "No, I just said that so that you could come back". Then he said sternly, "You'd better decide what you're doing, because I'm getting used to the bachelor life."

Do you see the manipulation here? Your ex is doing the same thing to you!! Comparing you to other women, dating around, telling you about it.....while you guys are still in a relationship?

It also sounds like he's trying to diminish your ties with your family. How could he say that the relationship you have with your family is secondary ? Family is BLOOD - that will never change. He's trying to make you believe that HE is the most important relationship that you have, because your family is too busy with their lives. Abusers always try to isolate you from your support network. Familly, friends.... when they isolate you they have more CONTROL.

Also, it sounds your ex wants somebody who will be submissive and allow him to be the 'leader' in the relationship. His religion might suscribe to the view that women are submissive....but aside from that, he sounds really insecure. Many abusers are insecure - if they can't get you to submit to them, they constantly put you down so they can make themselves feel bigger. A real man doesn't have to put a woman down to make himself feel good.

Your ex's abusive home environment may have a lot to do with his behaviour today. My ex's father was also abusive.. and he has a LOT of self-esteem issues and insecurities because of it. Please dont' think you can change your ex....you can't. He needs counselling.

Sorry for the bad punctuation in this post, but your story really resonated with me. I really hope you recognize these patterns , and NEVER consider going back to this man. You may love him, but the emotional harm that comes from this kind of relationship is SO NOT WORTH IT!!

You deserve better than this!!

 

[nclrgirl]

Philosophical question, just because reading all of these made me think about my past relationships that were not good. Do you think that abusive people always know that they are being abusive and do it on purpose? (sorry to threadjack!)

 

[arjunajane]

Date: 4/10/2008 8:38:10 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/9/2008 10:58:23 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
What are you getting out of this? What does it do for you to have somebody mistreat you? What does it do for you to analyze insults and recriminations? Do you enjoy the attention that you get from your mutual friend with him, your friends and family, and the PS community? Because it's one thing to need a wake up call . . . it's another to include 'lean on friends and family and internet support' as part of the dysfunctional cycle which you know deep down you aren't willing to break out of.

DITTO. I'm sorry Mrs Jam but your post almost makes me angry. Angry & frustrated. Others have pointed out the IMHO obvious answer to your query about the definition of abuse. And more still, including PROFESSIONAL THERAPISTS have advised you to a) have no further contact with him b) get counseling for yourself.

I'll offer this: stop fixating on the nitpickiest details of your story, as if savoring a fine meal

and cast your eyes on what one might call 'the big picture'. That MAN = BAD. That DREAM = OVER.

I'm afraid I also have to say ditto to this - although I don't think you are attention-seeking or anything, i also don't garner from your posts that you are really ready to end this , when you have the unanimous decision of the PS community and even a number of professional therapists tell you its time to GET OUT.

Mrs J, If you can please re read these posts and think to yourself, how can 50 odd educated, intelligent PS women be wrong?? Compared to one immature, emotionally incompetent abusive idiot, your boyfriend?

Also I just have to add, I said it before but it is quite disturbing how many (including me) have replied to this thread and admitted to being in an abusive r'ship themselves. Very sad. But I'm glad to hear that most of them are in the past.
Come on Mrs J, don't you want to be able to also say "I USED to be in an abusive relationship.."?

 

[iheartscience]

Good lord. This man is clearly an abusive psychopath. You must cut off all contact with him immediately, before his abuse turns physical and he destroys your life further. Your relationship with him is so far from normal and loving I am honestly shocked that you are asking if it''s abusive.

Please take whatever shred of self-esteem and self-respect you have left that made you write this post, and use it to go to a counselor immediately.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 4/10/2008 1:58:07 PM
Author: AGBF

The sisterhood on Pricescope made me think of the sisterhood in Al-Anon.

Psychotherapy is a great option, but Al-anon will give you immediate support of the type you get here...i.e. support with anonymity. I wish you well.

Amen to that.

Therapy didn''t do me a bit of good until I learned to love myself -- if only a little bit -- in Al-anon.

Maybe, Mrs. Jam, you can''t get yourself to leave him despite all or our efforts or arguments. Can you get yourself to one or two Al-anon meetings? You can go and just listen if you want... you don''t have to say anything, don''t have to commit to anything. Just listen to what other people who have a toxic influence in their life are doing to reclaim their own lives.

And... they''ll give you real live hugs!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 4/10/2008 9:46:39 PM
Author: nclrgirl
Philosophical question, just because reading all of these made me think about my past relationships that were not good. Do you think that abusive people always know that they are being abusive and do it on purpose? (sorry to threadjack!)

No, I don''t think people "know" all the time when they are mistreating others, and I am not sure it is "on purpose" so to speak. The behavior is often motivated by their own insecurities, and one thing psychologists know about behavior motivated by insecurities is that the person acting usually have little or no insight into their own emotions, motivations, and thoughts.

Actually, most of our insight into our own psychology is limited, particularly in the exact moment we are acting, and much interpersonal behavior is over-learned and "automatic". That''s why change is so hard, and as many of the other posters have commented from their own experiences, it can often take an outsider (therapist, excellent book, Al-Anon) holding up a mirror to one''s own behavior before true change can occurr. In many cases where people behave really badly in relationships--either as an abuser and controller, or as someone who is very needy and demanding and jealous (these are all faces of the same underlying insecurity)--the underlying feelings of pain, isolation, and worthlessness are too painful to look at, and so people refuse to think about why they act the way they do, and instead continue avoiding true insight as a defense against the pain. Bad behaviors unfortunately have short term benefits for the insecure person, because of the making up and calm stages that omieluv described. Such momentary decreases in the insecure individual''s anxiety and worry and rejection fears really reinforce the oriignal bad behavior and so the cycle continues.

None of this excuses mistreatment of one''s relationship partners, but I think it is a major reason why, when someone is mistreating you, it is pointless to try and learn WHY, or expect him/her to be able to give you the answers you seek.

DD