First love...crazy?

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 3/6/2008 10:13:54 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Aye, I think 'making it work' or the effort/work required to make a relationship healthy is important regardless of whether it's your first love or your fifth. I find the danger in using a phrase like 'MAKING it work' is that some people (generally, not saying you) force it to work. I have two friends who started dating when we were all 13 years old, and they MADE it work to the point where they sacrificed the quality of college education they wanted in order to attend the same school. They were afraid that they would break up if they'd gone their separate ways for uni, and didn't want to risk it, so they both compromised on their colleges to attend a local one. They are now married with two kids.

Was it the right decision for them? Seems to have been. Would it have been the right decision for me? Absolutely not, but we're different people. I am honestly very glad for all of you who have never had to suffer the same kind of romantic pain I have (the sort where you talk about the future together and he is so excited about it and then later he tells you he's not marrying you anymore, he's been sleeping around for months and is marrying someone else), and of course I hope you never will have to suffer it at any point in the future. But I do feel a twinge of worry in cases like my friends' where it seems like the motivation to stay together is out of fear of breaking up. I'm not saying anyone here is in that situation so PLEASE don't read it that way; I don't know any of you and would not presume to guess about your situations. These are general comments on the topic. However, I *do* know my friends' situation and even now, with all of us turning 30 this month (him first, haha

), I still occasionally worry that they may have regrets one day. Clearly I hope not, but the odd comments they make now and then make me wonder.

I don't think you can really force something to work if it just doesn't. But if two people really want the relationship to work, they might have to make some sacrifices, and as I said in my previous post, decide if the sacrifice is worth it (I'm not saying I agree or disagree with your friends' decision re university). What is worth it and what's not is entirely up to the parties involved. Perhaps for your friends, the priority is marriage/family over level of education (they still went to uni, so it's not like they didn't get an education).

It's entirely possible that your friends made their decision out of fear, but maybe to them losing one another was wasn't was a choice they could not make. In life, people do a lot of things out of fear -- they leave relationships, stay in relationships, keep jobs they're not happy with, and a slew of other things. Sometimes it works out for the best, but sometimes it doesn't.

I'm not in any way blaming anyone that has left a relationship, because frankly not all relationships can or should work. However, I am a beliver of "where there's a will, there's a way." If two people are committed to each other and their relationship, they will pull through. Relationships, marriages, are hard, and good ones take effort to build, so I'll commend anyone who was able to build a good one.

gwendolyn, I'm sorry you had to go through that, you are right, none of us have experienced something like that, and hopefully never will.

 

[Markie]

i think brooklyngirl explained what I mean by "making it work" better than I could have. I am sorry for what you have had to go through, gwendolyn. I have had a similar situation with my first love, although I never had to deal with outright cheating, or at least I never found out. But we talked about marriage and getting a dog and all those sorts of things and at the end of our relationship he said to me, among other things, "I love you, I just don''t love you enough to marry you." I am glad he told me that though, because the making it work that is so scary, that can happen with first serious relationships, is that feeling like you need to be together just because you have gotten used to it and it is something you know. I think if you can separate a real desire to build a life together from a relationship that is a security blanket, you are in good shape

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 3/6/2008 12:22:48 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
I don''t think you can really force something to work if it just doesn''t. But if two people really want the relationship to work, they might have to make some sacrifices, and as I said in my previous post, decide if the sacrifice is worth it (I''m not saying I agree or disagree with your friends'' decision re university). What is worth it and what''s not is entirely up to the parties involved. Perhaps for your friends, the priority is marriage/family over level of education (they still went to uni, so it''s not like they didn''t get an education).

I disagree with you a bit here, because I think that people *do* try to force things to work when they just don''t sometimes. I think they do it because they get comfortable and fear the unknown, or stay together for the kids, or fear that they''re running out of time to find a mate, or have never been longer than a few days without a partner since they were 14.

It''s entirely possible that your friends made their decision out of fear, but maybe to them losing one another was wasn''t was a choice they could not make. In life, people do a lot of things out of fear -- they leave relationships, stay in relationships, keep jobs they''re not happy with, and a slew of otherthings. Sometimes it works out for the best, but sometimes it doesn''t.

Just so you know where I''m coming from on this, I''m not just speculating about how my friends felt about college; they told me. They told me they thought they''d break up (because most people do break up if they leave high school still together but go to different colleges), and because they were afraid they wouldn''t make it as a long-distance couple, they both opted to settle for the local school which neither of them wanted. Which still comes up in conversation now (we started college in the fall of 1996). So, there''s resentment there, on his part--enough to tear apart his marriage? No idea. I hope not, but it''s there. It keeps popping up in conversation, the bitterness about his choice. Yeah, he still went to uni, but he had bigger academic aspirations for himself that he didn''t pursue. After many years, that can turn into "she held me back," even though it was as much his choice as it was hers at the time.

I''m not in any way blaming anyone that has left a relationship, because frankly not all relationships can or should work. However, I am a beliver of ''where there''s a will, there''s a way.'' If two people are committed to each other and their relationship, they will pull through. Relationships, marriages, are hard, and good ones take effort to build, so I''ll commend anyone who was able to build a good one.

I think that''s true. I think when most relationships stop working is when one person decides it isn''t worth working for anymore. Usually people break up at that point, but alarmingly, not all do--some stay together for the reasons in my first paragraph, because they are afraid of being alone. And I think that''s sad, because I don''t think anyone should ever be afraid to be by themselves.

gwendolyn, I''m sorry you had to go through that, you are right, none of us have experienced something like that, and hopefully never will.

Thanks, brooklyngirl, I hope with all my heart none of you will ever experience something like that either.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 3/5/2008 3:34:30 PM
Author: Bridesmaid
I''m definitely NOT marrying my first love. That would have been a disaster. But my sister did. Kind of different circumstances... She got pregnant when she was 17, and they wanted their son to grow up with his mom and dad. So when the baby (not a baby anymore) was a year old, they got married, and they''re coming up on their first wedding anniversary at the end of this month.

A lot of people said they were too young to get married, that my parents should keep the baby while they went to college, that they should have put him up for adoption and plenty of other hurtful things. But those people didn''t know my sister and brother-in-law. They said they loved each other and they would do everything in their power to make it work. And they have. Just in their first year of marriage, they''ve had struggles. The first year of their two-year engagement was spent doing 3 a.m. feedings together. Not so romantic.

I know there are a lot of different ideas on this, but I don''t think love just happens. You fall in love, yes. But after all the butterflies and jitters go away, there''s still a relationship that takes work. Many people expect things to continue falling into place, but it doesn''t work that way... as you know. You and your BF have been through a lot together, and even if there WERE someone you might technically be more compatible with, your commitment is in this relationship.

Go for it. As long as you''re both committed to making the relationship work - and it sounds like both of you definitely are - it will.

This happened to a friend of mine. I didn''t know them until a few years ago, but they got pregnant at 16, were married at 17, and their son''s 11th birthday is coming up in July. I don''t know how they did it, but they''re happy!

 

[WTNLVR]

I had a handful of relationships before I started "going steady" with hubby. I was the experienced one. I was his first and only. We started going steady at 19 yo got married at 26. We went to high school together but didn''t date until we graduated. He saw me through thick and thin and we are still together 26 years later and will celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary this September. He occasionally will mention the fact that he has only been with me and noone else. Don''t know if there is any regret in that area on his part, but I have no reason to believe he ever broke his vows. As long as you love each other, the prospect of being with someone else really isn''t very appealing.

 

[LaraOnline]

Hi there Gwendolynne,

I thought this was such an interesting post, because you''ve really gone for the jugular about early/long time romances...it''s like: "Will I have a middle aged crisis??"

We married in our thirties, and my husband says things like this all the time: ''At least I know what I want now...'', ''I don''t have to worry if I''m missing out on anything now...'', ''Been there, done that..''

Me? Perhaps I''m more grateful than I would have been if I''d married young!!

As humans, we seem to have an infinite capacity to worry about what we''ve NOT got, or NOT had. But then an awful lot of people don''t bother falling into that trap, either. It all comes down to the individuals involved, doesn''t it.

 

[Cocosgirl]

This is my first time reading this forum -- you can usually find me over in RockyTalk but I thought this was interesting. I could have easily seen myself marrying my first love if things like college, and an older woman (well, I was 16 she was 19, he was 1 didn''t get in the way.

Literally 24 years later (I just turned 40 last week) I am about to embark on my first engagement ever with the man I love and know I will be with as we grow old. My sister wed her childhood sweetheart (starting going out in the 8th grade, married at 24, 4 beautiful babies later they will celebrate 15 years in the summer) and my other sis wed my brother''s BF from childhood so I am certainly the "alternative track sister" with the career first. I will say watching my sisters and many friend marry young gave me an interesting perspective on what I wanted in a marriage.

Looking back I''m sure I would have ended up divorced from whomever I might have married at a young age. I know now that I was, in NO WAY, ready for lifetime commitment and it look till my mid-30s to really feel safe and content in my own skin. Hopefully that will make me a good wife & partner now!

Just one lady''s story . . . but kudos to everyone who "just knows" whether it be young, or (in my case) more mature.

 

[rubybeth]

My FH is definitely my first major relationship. I met him about 9 years ago in high school but we were not sweethearts, though I did have a crush on him. He was pretty cute (still is)! I had an on-and-off bf in college, but it was quite dumb in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes FH and I wonder if we could have saved a lot of breakups (mostly him) if we''d gotten together in high school or college, but we''re better now for each other than we would have been then, if that makes any sense. I say, if you know, you know! I''ll never forget the moment I knew that S would be my husband.

 

[allycat0303]

Well I agree that 'making it work' is a huge part of a relationship, but I also agree that there are some relationships which should be abandoned a LONG time ago. Everyone has different views based on what they feel is right for them.

However, I don't think that being with your first love is in any way synonymous with your career or what you choose in life. Gwendolyn, your friend's career was not her #1 priority and her relationship was. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Sometimes you make sacrifices for what you feel is most important for you. For example, many woman sacrifice their careers to raise their children. Perhaps she felt this was the man of her life and acted accordingly.

For me anyways, I wouldn't be where I am without my guy. I am constantly STUNNED by his unwavering support for my career. So here is a issue. I want to do cardiac surgery (I dream of it) however, I will only be applying in montreal, with general surgery as a backup because I don't want to be seperated from him. Is it possible I will not get in Montreal? Yes big chances. Would I have bigger chances if I applied in other places? Absolutely. IS it possible I will have to give up that particular dream? Yes. BUt I love him, and I am willing to make that sacrifice, because I KNOW this relationship is my priority and I won't be happy if we break up. At some point for me, he is intergral to my life and I don't want to be without him. It was only when I realized that, I decided I really DID want to marry him.

I just wanted to point out that being with your first love is not synonymous with sacrificing your education. To be honest, I would probably make the same choices with ANY guy I was planning to marry. FOr me, spending the rest of my life with someone entails some comrpomises. If that makes me weak or whatever, be it. I'm alright with the decision.

 

[peridot83]

For me the 2 most important factors in a relationship are respect and communication. The thing is, you can both have tons of respect for each other and communicate well during good times...but in your bad states, when you disagree about things, can you continue to maintain your respect and your communication with that person?

That''s where commitment comes in. I mean they''re all inter-related, but you need to be inspired by your partner in order to communicate and respect the other person even though you disagree with them. And that needs to be reciprocated.

Many can be suspicious of "first love" because the respect and communication may have disappeared but both are still holding onto their relationship.

Others are skeptical because young first love often hasn''t seen the fights about priorities: i.e. balancing work, family, and partner. Also, right out of college, there''s often geographical conflicts due to jobs and graduate schools. It might come as a complete shock to realize your partner can''t/won''t prioritize the way you thought.

Finally, in the short term, it''s easier for SOs to suppress their resentments, and to not communicate them. Especially males. They tend to start tallying in their heads all the things that are wrong, and seeing situations as "tests" that they never communicate to the other person.

But you two sound like you''ve been through a lot, and are taking it slow. I know tons of couples who are really happy and are each others first loves. If you know the troubles that can come, and your significant other knows as well, you guyz will be just fine

 

[LaraOnline]

Hey Cocosgirl!

I can definitely identify with your story. Pre-marriage, the earlier guys I had picked (or fallen in with) were absolute dogs! No happy endings there! And, I was too immature, in too much of a hurry to go somewhere/be something/do something GREAT etc etc.
But
the guy I''m with now is the first and only guy I''ve ever had a MASSIVE crush on, in high school / uni. Somehow, I just ''knew'', at age 18. It would have saved me a world of grief if I''d have hooked up with him in the first place, for some reason I think it just might have worked. I couldn''t get him out of my head for years, although we barely saw each other from year to year.

My friends who did settle with their ''first'' seem really mature, less judgemental than I was at their age. I suspect they also are more comfortable with a more grown-up, settled-down way of life than I was. WAS being the operative word!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Hmm, I don''t know if I can fully claim FI as my first love because I''ve been in one relationship before this one. However, after I met FI I realized looking back I didn''t even really love my previous BF even though I thought I did. If anything, I think we were actually glorified best friends because we really weren''t compatible. So, if you don''t count previous BF then he is my first real love. But again, that might be stretching it. I agree about a lot of our grandmothers doing that. I also think they lived in a less fairytale find the perfect prince time. I could be wrong, but that''s my .02 about that. My Grandma and Grandpa got married at 15 and 16 (no she was not pregnant, they were from a small country town) and they were together until he passed away 8 years ago. They knew each other their whole lives (e.g. he used to throw rocks at her in elementary school to annoy her) and fell in love. I think FI''s grandparents have similar stories.

In some ways, I am glad I didn''t meet FI sooner. I''ve matured a lot in the past few years, and I am not sure it would have worked before that.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 3/13/2008 6:38:22 AM
Author: allycat0303
However, I don't think that being with your first love is in any way synonymous with your career or what you choose in life. Gwendolyn, your friend's career was not her #1 priority and her relationship was. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Sometimes you make sacrifices for what you feel is most important for you. For example, many woman sacrifice their careers to raise their children. Perhaps she felt this was the man of her life and acted accordingly.

Hmm? I'm a bit confused as to why this bit is directed at me. My friends didn't sacrifice their careers; they sacrificed the quality of their college educations to go to the same school in fear that they'd break up if they did a long-distance relationship, and the one who seems like he is now regretting the choice of college is the man, not the woman.

I understand that lots of people value their relationships over everything else in their lives, and that's fine. If both my friends were at this point in life (12 years after they decided where to go to university) and were *both happy* with their life choices, then I wouldn't have posted anything at all in this thread. But that doesn't seem to be the case.

I didn't mention this story because I think all, most or even just *some* first love stories are like this--I don't think this sort of situation is common at all. They are just the only first love --> marriage couple I know, so this was the story that came to mind when the topic arose.