First reaction

[Elegant]

If you met someone and in passing you asked them if they had a significant other - and they said:

Yes, I have been with my boyfriend for 15 years...then you look on her left hand ring finger and see nothing.

What are your first thoughts? first reaction?

 

[oobiecoo]

I would think it was a bit odd... I don't see why anyone needs to be together that long before getting married.

 

[pennquaker09]

Honestly, I wouldn''t judge. I don''t know what their commitment is to each other.

 

[*Danielle*]

I would probably come to mind but I wouldn''t judge their relationship on it. Some people do not want to get married. I know of an older couple (sixties) who had been together for about 13, lived together, etc and didn''t plan to wed.

That being said, no thanks!

 

[Deelight]

Date: 12/12/2008 1:24:24 AM
Author: pennquaker09
Honestly, I wouldn''t judge. I don''t know what their commitment is to each other.

Ditto, FI and I were together 10.5yrs before getting engaged and will be together about 12yrs by the time we get married.

Some people also choose not to get married and a ring doesn''t always signify commitment, just like saying I love you doesn''t always mean that someone does.

 

[arjunajane]

Date: 12/12/2008 6:04:42 AM
Author: Deelight

Date: 12/12/2008 1:24:24 AM
Author: pennquaker09
Honestly, I wouldn''t judge. I don''t know what their commitment is to each other.

Ditto, FI and I were together 10.5yrs before getting engaged and will be together about 12yrs by the time we get married.

Some people also choose not to get married and a ring doesn''t always signify commitment, just like saying I love you doesn''t always mean that someone does.

Ya ditto - I''m sure some ppl think Fi and I a lil different for having a long engagement. But honestly, thats just who we are, and we''re comfortable with our commitment to each other.

May I ask Elegant how this question arose..?

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 12/12/2008 1:13:01 AM
Author:Elegant
If you met someone and in passing you asked them if they had a significant other - and they said:

Yes, I have been with my boyfriend for 15 years...then you look on her left hand ring finger and see nothing.

What are your first thoughts? first reaction?

I wouldn't think anything of it as I know a couple who have been happily engaged since 1976 and don't appear to have any plans to marry. If they are both ok with it then that is fine, if one of them isn't then that is a different matter.

 

[LaraOnline]

A marriage is a public statement, a comment about a relationship.
Things can be complicated in the real world.
And, by not marrying (thereby putting that intimate relationship on the public record) they''re kinda saying that, complicated or not, it''s none of my business.
End of thought process.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

I don''t think I would find it to be odd . . . just not what I would choose. There are many couples who decide not to get married for any number of reasons, but their relationships are just as meaningful as a marriage. Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell come to mind!

 

[Kelli]

To be honest, my first reaction would be to feel a little sorry for her, but then I''d mentally slap myself and realize that I have no idea what their situation is. Maybe neither one of them care to get married, or maybe it just isn''t a priority.

 

[Efe]

I would think they were pretty smart

 

[perry]

I''m not sure why you would think this odd at all....

Some people do not wear rings (I don''t). When I was younger I did - but the rings came off the day I got to clean up from an industrial accident where a guy''s arm was ripped off due to a rag catching on his ring. In fact - everyone''s rings came off - and you never saw another one.

Other people are allergic to some metals and can''t wear most jewelry.

A lot of people have really good friends - who never marry. What is strange about having a long term good freind. Sex may even be part of that too....

Some people have reasons not to get married (family pressure that they will be disowned if they marry someone, etc).

Some people seriously question as to why the State is involved in a marriage. Historically, and in religious history the state was not involved with any documentation of marriage. These people would view that marriage is betwen themselves and their god - and would never sign a contract with a state (which is what a marriage license is).

There are many more reasons...

My big question: So what?

Perry

 

[bee*]

I wouldn''t think of it as strange at all! As others said, some people don''t want to get married and others don''t wear their rings. To each their own.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Most people judge no matter what. You have to learn to be confident with your choices and IGNORE. IGNORE. IGNORE. (easier said than done though.)

ETA: if you are the one who judged (not the one who has been dating her BF for 15 years) you proved my point

 

[fieryred33143]

First reaction: wow 15 years!

My uncle and aunt had been together since they were 16 years old and had three kids together before they decided to get married. You know why they got married? Because we hadn't had a family party in a while so they thought why the heck not. They were together for about 20 years at that point.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

To be honest, I''d probalby ask her up front if they were married. Neither D nor I wear our rings often, so I don''t put much stock in a ring itself. Some couples are in no hurry to get married, which is great. And some women are at their wit''s end waiting...usually you know within seconds of asking about the relatoinship which boat they fall into

 

[mayachel]

I''d be impressed at the 15 years part!

I''ve known couples who are married, and rarely wear rings unless it''s a formal occasion and couples who have been living together between 7 and 10 years and have no intention of getting married. (Feelings that marriage as an institution is what destroys otherwise good relationships) They are fine with other people choosing to marry, but don''t feel it is right for them.

 

[fieryred33143]

Actually you know now that I think about it, my reaction to congratulate on 15 years and not really place emphasis on the no ring part is because I waited a long time to get engaged. We''ll be together for 7 years, possibly even 8 before getting married.

I think that had I started my anxious LIW phase after 1 or 2 years in a relationship, my reaction to hearing 15 years w/ no ring would have probably been much different.

 

[Maisie]

I wouldn''t be curious. I have known people who have divorced after 2 years of marriage, and couples who have lived together for 10 years and are still going strong.

Weddings and marriage just aren''t a priority for some couples. They might prefer to spend their money on other things, nice house, cars or holidays. A lot of times people get married just for other peoples benefit, parents or other family members.

I love being married. I wouldn''t be happy not being married for religious reasons. But thats just my opinion

 

[purrfectpear]

My first thought would be "codependent" or "rebel". I would think you were either woman in denial or a woman who didn''t need marriage

 

[Bia]

I wouldn''t think anything, I don''t think. I know a few people, esp at work, who''ve been in relationships for more than 15 years and they have no intention of getting married. Its quite common actually.

I also know a few people who are engaged and don''t wear a ring, ever. Some because its too valuable, they only wear it on special days, and others because they just never needed or wanted a ring.

For a PSer, it would be weird because we all love jewelry (thats why we''re here) but many people could care less.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

I know quite a few super long term relationships that so far, have not led to marriage, and many of those couples couldn''t be happier.

 

[iheartscience]

I would wonder why you weren't married, honestly. I don't think I would judge either way, but I would wonder.

Some people are happy being together and not being married for that long, and some people aren't happy but don't want to leave, and there's no way of knowing who is who unless you ask. (Which I would NEVER do unless I was very close to the person!)

 

[movie zombie]

what would i think?! i''d think congrats would be in order because a whole heck of a lot of marriages don''t last that long!

movie zombie

 

[Dreamer_D]

I think I would be more surprised by the use of the term "boyfriend" than the length of time

... most of the people I know who have been together that long refer to their SO as "partner" which I think reflects the significance of the length of time and the commitment they clearly share. There is something romantic about calling someone your boyfriend after that long, though...

That said, the nosey part of me would certainly wonder why they were not married and speculate about all the possible reasons. It is counter-normative to pairbond for so long without getting married, and it is always interesting to think about why people choose to walk the road less travelled.

 

[Skippy123]

Honestly I would not think anything more, just wow, 15 yrs together that is awesome. Unless she said it sadly and then looked at her hand w/out a ring. I have known/know plenty of people who are not married and been together forever. For me marriage is important for others it isn''t. I actually have a very good friend that it took her 10 yrs before they got married and now that they are married they live in different states. She gets all sort of questions from people but I never ask her; I figure whatever floats your boat.

 

[Steel]

First reaction(s): Oh, no ring...not married...or engaged..wonder if it is a sore point...best to not mention it...how do I change the subject...argh this is akward..why doesn''t she say something.....help...talk about the weather, somebody...please!


But the funny thing is that is a silly reaction and I know it. I also think it is a funny reaction as I agree 100% with Perry''s post.

 

[musey]

Being that I live in west LA and not only are there many, many couples here who can't get legally married in my neighborhood... there are also many who can, but simply don't see the point. Not everyone wants to get married, even if they can. Doesn't stop them from wanting a significant other

There's plenty of grey area between "single" and "married," and not everyone considers those grey areas temporary stop-offs between one extreme and the other.


As to my personal reaction... if someone said they'd been with their SO for 15 years, I don't think it would occur to me to "check" their ring finger. I'd probably say "Wow, 15 years, now that is a successful relationship--any tips?"

 

[MichelleCarmen]

They''ve been together for 15 years. That''s much longer than many marriages. Clearly they''ve got a wonderful relationship.

 

[coatimundi_org]

I wouldn''t think anything. You never know what goes on between two people.