First reaction

[Elegant]

Date: 12/12/2008 9:25:10 PM
Author: kama_s
Marriage is not that common an occurance in many places in the world, such as Europe. I know so many couples who have been together for 20+ years, with no intention to marry. I guess it''s because US doesn''t recognize common-law relationships. Common-law has become increasingly popular here in Canaa as well.


A friend of mine is in her late 70''s. Has been with her common-law husband for around 30 years now. She only decided to tie the know last month so that she can be buried next to him (as per Jewish traditions).


ETA: responded without having read your recent post. I think you two need to sit down and have a chat on where the relationship is going. If you both agree on not tying the knot ever, then that''s perfectly fine and reasonable - BUT it''s a decision you BOTH need to get to together. Also, I dont agree with his entire thing about not being a jewelry kind of a guy. It would be akin to you saying no to buying the TV or camera he may want beause you are not a gadget kind of a girl. But you do these (in my opinion) *little* things for each other because it makes the other happy. And that''s the most important aspect of a relationship...sacrificing a bit and finding a middle ground. </b)

I agree with this completely, thank you!

 

[Rhea]

Date: 12/13/2008 6:50:34 PM
Author: Elegant

Date: 12/13/2008 6:27:35 PM

Author: Addy

I wouldn''t think much of it. I do tend to look at people''s finger because I love jewellery. One of the managers at work wears what looks like a low-set tiffany style solitaire with a channel set eternity band. I referred to her husband one day. It turns out that she''s not married, just liked the set.


Are you sure that it''s the ring that''s bothering you? The ring doesn''t change your title in relationship to him or how other people respond to that.

See, I also tend to look at other people''s jewelry as well and maybe that is why I have an issue. Then I come here and my god...rings, rings, rings...men caring about creating or purchasing the perfect ring because they love their gf so much - maybe I feel like he doesn''t care about me? I wish he was one of those guys - and for those of you with those guys, that''s awesome. Whether or not he is a jewelry person shouldn''t matter either because it is for me. He knows how important the ring is for me...he knows.


But when you hear that someone is with someone - and said boyfriend - wouldn''t you look down to see any sort of commitment ring? That''s just normal, right? I mean, I do that - I look to see what engagement or wedding ring a person has.

Not necessarily. The manager bought the ring herself, mostly to avoid unwelcome advances. She said that her partner didn''t pick it or pay for it. It looks to be about .75 carat with a 3mm wide eternity band.

And then there are my in-laws. They don''t have commitment rings and have been together for dog''s years, own a business, and have children together.

I would look down to notice any type of ring, but I never expect something to be there whether the person is married, single, or somewhere in between. Several married people don''t wear rings and I know a couple of my DH''s friend''s partners who wear a ring on their finger without the engagement, marriage, or in one case, even living together. Rings often tell you status, but not always.

 

[Elegant]

Date: 12/13/2008 12:15:53 AM
Author: purrfectpear
You can keep pining for a ring, or you can goad him into a ring, but it''s pretty clear that his idea of jewelry is $500 or less.

I''m going to give you my advice, take it for what it''s worth. Married or not, women who want a lovely diamond should feel free to purchase their own and enjoy looking at it every day. Seriously. I''ve purchased several (I''m divorced with NO plans to remarry) and I probably enjoy them more than any I''ve received as part of a wedding. There''s something to be said about knowing you worked for it, you bought it, and it''s YOURS...not something you waited around for. I love looking at my diamonds, and just as importantly, I love the feeling of satisfaction that they give me. Confirmation from me - to me, that I''m worth it. I''m sure it''s lovely to have a man in your life that gives you a gift, but for me it''s even nicer to know that I can take care of myself.

He bought me a $900 Tiffany bracelet without blinking an eye, so I am really wondering. He doesn''t value it so I''m surprised he mentioned event that amount. I think $500 is his idea too - so I agree with you.

I see your point about purchasing something myself - and yes, I could save up myself and just buy something for me, so I guess it really isn''t the shiny metal object - I suppose I am questioning our relationship or putting so much emphasis on the ring instead of our relationship. I remember posting about wanting a ring and I remember you telling me to buy something for myself and not wait for him - I''m just wondering WHY he won''t do it I guess.

I remember when I had a huge argument with him about him not getting me a ring and it was my initial conversation about us being together for so long and me never pressuring him for marriage or engagement or whatever, and I told him I wanted a ring, and he said something to the effect of not wanting it to look like an engagement ring because we aren''t engaged (and again, by the way, I love your ring and it has been burnt in my head and it does look like an engagement ring...). Then someone mentioned to him a 3 stone ring and its significance of past, present, and future and he considered that...

I buy myself jewelry and other things all of the time, but I think I am wanting him to prove himself or something? I don''t know.

 

[Rhea]

crazy double post

 

[Rhea]

Date: 12/13/2008 7:06:25 PM
Author: Elegant

Date: 12/13/2008 12:15:53 AM

Author: purrfectpear

You can keep pining for a ring, or you can goad him into a ring, but it''s pretty clear that his idea of jewelry is $500 or less.


I''m going to give you my advice, take it for what it''s worth. Married or not, women who want a lovely diamond should feel free to purchase their own and enjoy looking at it every day. Seriously. I''ve purchased several (I''m divorced with NO plans to remarry) and I probably enjoy them more than any I''ve received as part of a wedding. There''s something to be said about knowing you worked for it, you bought it, and it''s YOURS...not something you waited around for. I love looking at my diamonds, and just as importantly, I love the feeling of satisfaction that they give me. Confirmation from me - to me, that I''m worth it. I''m sure it''s lovely to have a man in your life that gives you a gift, but for me it''s even nicer to know that I can take care of myself.

He bought me a $900 Tiffany bracelet without blinking an eye, so I am really wondering. He doesn''t value it so I''m surprised he mentioned event that amount. I think $500 is his idea too - so I agree with you.


I see your point about purchasing something myself - and yes, I could save up myself and just buy something for me, so I guess it really isn''t the shiny metal object - I suppose I am questioning our relationship or putting so much emphasis on the ring instead of our relationship. I remember posting about wanting a ring and I remember you telling me to buy something for myself and not wait for him - I''m just wondering WHY he won''t do it I guess.


I remember when I had a huge argument with him about him not getting me a ring and it was my initial conversation about us being together for so long and me never pressuring him for marriage or engagement or whatever, and I told him I wanted a ring, and he said something to the effect of not wanting it to look like an engagement ring because we aren''t engaged (and again, by the way, I love your ring and it has been burnt in my head and it does look like an engagement ring...). Then someone mentioned to him a 3 stone ring and its significance of past, present, and future and he considered that...


I buy myself jewelry and other things all of the time, but I think I am wanting him to prove himself or something? I don''t know.

It sounds like it. Not that anyone would blame you. Have you actually sat down and discussed marriage or future plans with him? As in, told him what see happening and when, what he sees happening and when.

 

[LaraOnline]

Elegant, you sound gorgeous.
Also, you sound a little like me, in that you have a man who cannot understand why you cannot walk into a jewellery store and buy yourself anything you like.
My man made me do all my ENGAGEMENT ring shopping alone!
And then, when I first mentioned my upgrade, he simply told me I should save the money and buy it! I got the impression that he thought I was a bit of an idiot asking him about it!

He just doesn''t really get the emotional connection when it comes to jewellery... although I like to kid myself that he''s getting the picture! Marriage is not symbolised by jewellery for him - I think it''s symbolised by kids! - he has never worn his own wedding ring, in fact it was lost very early on and he has absolutely NO intention of replacing it!

I think that if you want to wear something on your ring finger, you should. Who is to tell you not to?

 

[Elegant]

Date: 12/13/2008 7:12:35 PM
Author: Addy

Date: 12/13/2008 7:06:25 PM

Author: Elegant

Date: 12/13/2008 12:15:53 AM

Author: purrfectpear

You can keep pining for a ring, or you can goad him into a ring, but it''s pretty clear that his idea of jewelry is $500 or less.

I''m going to give you my advice, take it for what it''s worth. Married or not, women who want a lovely diamond should feel free to purchase their own and enjoy looking at it every day. Seriously. I''ve purchased several (I''m divorced with NO plans to remarry) and I probably enjoy them more than any I''ve received as part of a wedding. There''s something to be said about knowing you worked for it, you bought it, and it''s YOURS...not something you waited around for. I love looking at my diamonds, and just as importantly, I love the feeling of satisfaction that they give me. Confirmation from me - to me, that I''m worth it. I''m sure it''s lovely to have a man in your life that gives you a gift, but for me it''s even nicer to know that I can take care of myself.

He bought me a $900 Tiffany bracelet without blinking an eye, so I am really wondering. He doesn''t value it so I''m surprised he mentioned event that amount. I think $500 is his idea too - so I agree with you.

I see your point about purchasing something myself - and yes, I could save up myself and just buy something for me, so I guess it really isn''t the shiny metal object - I suppose I am questioning our relationship or putting so much emphasis on the ring instead of our relationship. I remember posting about wanting a ring and I remember you telling me to buy something for myself and not wait for him - I''m just wondering WHY he won''t do it I guess.

I remember when I had a huge argument with him about him not getting me a ring and it was my initial conversation about us being together for so long and me never pressuring him for marriage or engagement or whatever, and I told him I wanted a ring, and he said something to the effect of not wanting it to look like an engagement ring because we aren''t engaged (and again, by the way, I love your ring and it has been burnt in my head and it does look like an engagement ring...). Then someone mentioned to him a 3 stone ring and its significance of past, present, and future and he considered that...

I buy myself jewelry and other things all of the time, but I think I am wanting him to prove himself or something? I don''t know.

It sounds like it. Not that anyone would blame you. Have you actually sat down and discussed marriage or future plans with him? As in, told him what see happening and when, what he sees happening and when.

Yes, I actually sat down and talked to him a few months ago and I told him that I eventually wanted to have kids, because initially, a while ago, I wanted kids, but as time has gone by, I haven''t wanted any. We moved here and went to a town parade (it''s a small town) and saw all of the families and the fathers holding their kids and I just felt this was a great place to have and raise kids. So I had a tear-filled conversation with him about that and the conclusion was that we would eventually have kids and I don''t want to wait too much longer, but I want to finish my doctorate soon and buy a house here first as well. Marriage wasn''t brought up because I still felt no need for marriage. I know someone brought up Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, and that''s basically how we are. He''s trying to find a good job near where we live because we are commuting to work. We don''t have a set timeline, but children should happen in a coupe of years if it happens at all. I''m a teacher so I am around children all day and I think the pain and changes the body goes through kind of scare me!

 

[Elegant]

Date: 12/13/2008 8:04:48 PM
Author: LaraOnline
Elegant, you sound gorgeous.

Also, you sound a little like me, in that you have a man who cannot understand why you cannot walk into a jewellery store and buy yourself anything you like.

My man made me do all my ENGAGEMENT ring shopping alone!

And then, when I first mentioned my upgrade, he simply told me I should save the money and buy it! I got the impression that he thought I was a bit of an idiot asking him about it!

He just doesn''t really get the emotional connection when it comes to jewellery... although I like to kid myself that he''s getting the picture! Marriage is not symbolised by jewellery for him - I think it''s symbolised by kids! - he has never worn his own wedding ring, in fact it was lost very early on and he has absolutely NO intention of replacing it!

I think that if you want to wear something on your ring finger, you should. Who is to tell you not to?

We do sound VERY alike!!!

And the men sound VERY alike as well!! My gosh! Yes, there is an emotional connection to jewelry - I cherish the jewelry my dad, mom, and grand parents have given me.

We will see what happens after he finds out if he did or didn''t get the job. I will end up buying my own jewelry. I can''t see myself buying anything for myself for that finger. But I also wonder, since I keep bringing it up and it really doesn''t have significance to him, even if he buys it will it mean anything more or less? Hmmm...I''m starting to understand the buy your own sparklies concept...

I am researching diamonds because I want one, and I am researching settings - and I love purrfectpear''s setting. I am usually so indecisive about things too, but I think I like the Vatche ALexa setting.

I know I can wear anything on that finger, but just sentimentally I was/am saving that finger!!!

 

[arjunajane]

I was going to suggest buying something for yourself if its just the lack of any diamonds/jewellery thats bothering you. But it certainly seems from the discussion above that this is more about the r''ship than just "the ring".

Fwiw, I hope you guys can sort it all out soon

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 12/13/2008 10:22:13 PM
Author: Elegant

Date: 12/13/2008 8:04:48 PM

But I also wonder, since I keep bringing it up and it really doesn''t have significance to him, even if he buys it will it mean anything more or less? Hmmm...I''m starting to understand the buy your own sparklies concept...

Exaccery! Kind of a ''heavy'' realisation, isn''t it?!! lol

 

[Elegant]

Date: 12/13/2008 11:09:48 PM
Author: LaraOnline

Date: 12/13/2008 10:22:13 PM

Author: Elegant

Date: 12/13/2008 8:04:48 PM

But I also wonder, since I keep bringing it up and it really doesn''t have significance to him, even if he buys it will it mean anything more or less? Hmmm...I''m starting to understand the buy your own sparklies concept...

Exaccery! Kind of a ''heavy'' realisation, isn''t it?!! lol

But your ring, even though you had to do all of the shopping for it, and now save up for an upgrade, doesn''t it still mean something to you?