FMIL Issues - need advice

[cocolaw]

ara: you are going to be one h*ll of a good mother in law! we would all be lucky if we had somebody as thoughtful as you as our mil!!

 

[Ara Ann]

Thanks cocolaw, I am going to try to be a good MIL, that''s for sure.

And I know I make my son (sons) crazy at times, but I try to be fair and remind myself that he (my oldest) can make his own decisions and learn from his choices if things don''t go as planned. I''ve also have GREAT parents as an example to follow, which helps a lot. Patience and allowing others to be human, is key, in every relationship.

 

[elrohwen]

Oh my goodness! That has to be one of the saddest FMIL stories I've heard yet

I can't believe you could go through the whole weekend thinking you had a good time and come back to find she wrote your FI three emails about you. I'm so sorry {{hugs}}

She really does sound a bit crazy. I hate to play the crazy card, but my grandmother is known for doing things like this and throughout her life has proven to be just plain crazy over and over again. At first it's easy to take it personally, and it can take a lot of time and effort on your part to let it roll off your back.

I don't really have much advice other than to not write the note. I do think your FI should talk to her and explain things and see what she says, but I don't think you should be the one to do it. He will be able to judge if she's going to budge at all on this. It's really unfortunate that you have to start your relationship with your future in-laws with a person like her

There's always the chance that she will get over it as time goes on and she realizes you're not going anywhere, but I'm sure it's extremely hard on you right now.

{{hugs}}

ETA: I read your updates and from the way the phone conversation went I think she really is manipulative and narcissitic. I find it hard to believe that her son is really surprised by her behavior, but perhaps it has just never affected him the way an attack on the person he loves can affect him. You will always have to deal with her being crazy, but I hope you're able to be strong enough to remain nice to her despite her bad qualities and innappropriate behavior. I find it very hard to do this, myself, and know how difficult it is. I'm glad your FI is standing by you; I'm sure this is a very difficult situation for him as well.

 

[ts44]

Jaylex: funny isn''t it? Although FMIL is from upstate NY, so maybe it''s crazy Lake Ontario water.

oddoneout, tyty, supergirl, hawaiianorangetree, Lilac, cocolaw, elrohwen: Thank you ladies SO much for your kind words. This is the first "major issue" my fiance and I have had to deal with together and I am so thankful that he has been supportive of me. It really reinforces for me that I have made a great choice.

Ara Ann: Thank you for your perspective from the other side. FMIL is around 60. My fiance wanted to cut off communication with her completely at first, I was the one who talked him into speaking with her. I wish she knew how I have been her advocate with him through this! I find it difficult to be angry with her, I only feel sad. She has had a tough year, her father passed away and he was her only remaining family other than her children and her husband''s extended family who barely see her. She even said to my fiance on the phone that she thinks sometimes that the wrong parent died young.

I really can''t bring myself to think that she is doing it just for attention, I want to think the best. We are both very worried about her, because truthfully she has been a good mother (if a touch this side overbearing), and this behavior is so shocking. With her innate propensity to negativity, I hope this whole thing doesn''t sink her entirely. We are going to call and chat again tonight and see how it goes.

 

[Bia]

It''s noble of you to keep such an open mind, and to continue to try - it shows how much you love your FI.

She sounds like a very sad woman. I hope between you and FI making an effort, she realizes how much you do care and comes around.

 

[jaylex]

Date: 9/15/2009 7:31:53 AM
Author: Lilac
Jaylex - the more I find out about you, the more I realize how similar our lives have been!! It''s kind of funny actually...

ts44 - I have to agree with others who have said the bright side is that you see your fiance is on your side. It really is the most important thing in this situation because sometimes fiances/husbands take their mother''s side (or parents'' side) and that would cause a ton of tension and stress for the rest of your life. So seeing now that he is on YOUR side is really a great thing in its own way. I do hope things improve with his mother though because I really do know how hurtful it can be when you try and try to get your MIL to like you and she just won''t even keep an open mind.

The song AND crazy MIL? Maybe we are sisters or something? lol
Is your husbands name Jason? Cuz that would just be crazy!

 

[jaylex]

Date: 9/15/2009 10:00:01 AM
Author: ts44
Jaylex: funny isn''t it? Although FMIL is from upstate NY, so maybe it''s crazy Lake Ontario water.

oddoneout, tyty, supergirl, hawaiianorangetree, Lilac, cocolaw, elrohwen: Thank you ladies SO much for your kind words. This is the first ''major issue'' my fiance and I have had to deal with together and I am so thankful that he has been supportive of me. It really reinforces for me that I have made a great choice.

Ara Ann: Thank you for your perspective from the other side. FMIL is around 60. My fiance wanted to cut off communication with her completely at first, I was the one who talked him into speaking with her. I wish she knew how I have been her advocate with him through this! I find it difficult to be angry with her, I only feel sad. She has had a tough year, her father passed away and he was her only remaining family other than her children and her husband''s extended family who barely see her. She even said to my fiance on the phone that she thinks sometimes that the wrong parent died young.

I really can''t bring myself to think that she is doing it just for attention, I want to think the best. We are both very worried about her, because truthfully she has been a good mother (if a touch this side overbearing), and this behavior is so shocking. With her innate propensity to negativity, I hope this whole thing doesn''t sink her entirely. We are going to call and chat again tonight and see how it goes.

Lol. lets just keep them away from lakes. Well I wish you and your Fiance lots of luck in your situation. It''s probably going to be filled with tons of mood swings on your FMIL''s end. Just stand strong together...
I hope your phone call goes well!

 

[Haven]

Oh, I''m so sorry about this situation. I have nothing productive to add other than my support.

I do want to say that Ara Ann''s suggestion is a solid one. My mom turned into a crazy person when she was going through menopause, and I''m not exaggerating. She was misdiagnosed as having panic attacks and a few other things, but it was the big change all along. And when I say crazy, I mean: nasty, mean, unpredictable, irrational, highly emotional, and just plain crazy. It''s not really much of a consolation, but it''s nice to know that if that is the reason she''s behaving this way, it will subside over time.

 

[charbie]

i think over time and once the dust settles a little bit, FMIL will come around.

I also agree with ARA that menopause makes women crazy. My mom and her mood swings are making me insane. In fact, some of the things going on with your own FMIL sound like they could come out of my mom''s mouth. For no reason what-so-ever, she started on this whole tangent about how my FI doesn''t like her this weekend. Completely out of the blue- he loves her to death. She just got it in her head that she needed to make sure that the whole house was cleaned nicer than when she got there so FI didn''t get mad at her and blah blah blah. It was ridiculous and unnecessary.

on another note- i read that you are from Ohio? where are you and jaylex from? i live in columbus!

 

[MonkeyPants]

Ts44 what a nightmare!!!!!

I''m so sorry! I can''t stand passive aggressiveness! I think you should confront her. I think writing an email to her (especially if she wrote those emails to her son and not you) would make your next face to face encounter a little awkward. Even a phone conversation would be better than an email I think. But yes, definitely voice your feelings and defend yourself. She has no right to judge you after one camping trip and even less right to judge your mother who she''s never met.