Found a perfect diamond.. so hard keeping mouth shut!

[firebirdgold]

So out of the blue, I found this totally perfect dream diamond on a vendor''s website. It''s beautiful, the right size (or close enough), the right clarity, the right color, and most importantly the right price! I''m really really excited about it.

But there''s no way I can tell my bf about it until after his defense next week. Although he did say he wasn''t going to have to much to do on it until then after last night. ... Bad Wren! *Smack*
So I can''t tell him, but I had to tell you guys about it! And now I''m all nervous. Maybe someone will scarf it up before then. Maybe he''ll get sniffy because he wants to choose, and not have me be so specific. But if I give him free rein with the actual ring... ? do you think that would fly?

I''m convinced that there is no way he will ever be able to go through the process of hunting down a virtual stone and having a vendor bring it in to look at. So this could be my only opportunity to have a diamond like this.. ARGH!

And, no, I''m not telling you guys the specifics yet, sorry. It''s not that I don''t trust the LIW''s, but there may be some vultures on the rest of PS.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 3/31/2006 1:58:01 PM
Author:Wren
And, no, I''m not telling you guys the specifics yet, sorry. It''s not that I don''t trust the LIW''s, but there may be some vultures on the rest of PS.

Haha, I don''t blame you... The two diamonds I told my boyfriend about disappeared this week (

) so I''m not telling about the last one I found.

I''m keeping my fingers crossed for you!

 

[Scintillating]

Call them and put it on hold silly!!!

Scintillating...

 

[FireGoddess]

Perhaps a little ''I know you''re uber busy right now and I don''t want to distract you but I found the perfect stone and here it is without you having to search for it'' kinda thing might work?

Maybe couldn''t hurt if done in the delicate, proper way of really showing him it''s just in his best interest because it''s what you want and he doesn''t have to spend any brainpower on it?

 

[sunkist]

Yay Wren! Could we maybe just see a picture of it???

But that might give it away... That''s so exciting though! I did tell my BF about my *perfect* stones and still nothing has been done

He wants to go look at some in person. Maybe you could send him another email entitled "this is for after your disertation, but you CAN open now if you want! " Maybe that would peek his interest!

 

[E B]

Oooh, Wren, I really, really want to hear about it(!)...but I completely understand. Is there any way your boyfriend would put a down payment on it? If the vendor is Whiteflash, they allow you to do this...they allowed us to. No sense in the perfect stone disappearing with only ONE week to go!

 

[firebirdgold]

Okay, I''m snapping. I''m sending him an email about it. I am so bad. I totally lack impulse control. or any kind of self control.
I did preface the email with an explanation on why I was reluctant to send him it, but why I felt I should. And I was very careful to phrase it in a way that makes him feel like this is his choice, not me dictating.

I have never even told him before that this is the kind of diamond I want, since I figured there is no way he could manage the grueling process of finding one.

*deep breath* ok. hitting send. Hopefully I''ll get a response, and I will keep you posted.

 

[firebirdgold]

AND then again, maybe not.
He just called and asked what I was doing, so I told him I was writing him an email he didn't have to read. Brief conversation ensuses, and I tell him that it's about a diamond that's really hard to find and will disappear quickly, so I thought I should just let him know. He said that he finds my insistance on the subject to be annoying

and that he told me before that I had to be patient through his ph.d process and that I just should be happy that it won't take another year and it's only 9 more days.

Excuse me while I go cry in a cup of tea.

Maybe I'll light a st Jude candle in hopes that no one will snatch the diamond up in the meantime. It is a lower color than most people like.


ETA: I felt so down I told him I'd never bring the subject up again. Which means he'll never know that about this kind of diamond. Well, if it disappears it's not like he'd be motivated enough for the kind of quest it takes to find another one. Right. going away and crying now.

 

[sumbride]

honey... as soon as he is done with this week, he owes you a huge apology. UGH. And he''ll regret that he let it slip through his fingers. You really should tell him exactly what you want... otherwise you''re setting yourself up for dissapointment because you don''t think he''ll ever work hard enough to find it and make you happy. maybe he will! Give him a chance.

but for now, take care of yourself and ignore him for a bit. Maybe a pedicure and some chocolate to go with that tea?

 

[firebirdgold]

He called back and caught that I was crying despite the fact that I was trying really hard not to sound like I was crying.

I think I need to stop thinking about getting married or about the e-ring. I wish he hadn't said the thing about my ruining things. I've worried for a long time that he's seen the real me and doesn't really want to get married to me. And I now feel like a bad person for bugging him about it.

And I think I need sugar.

 

[anchor31]

Wow, Wren, I understand he''s stressed out because he''s finishing his PhD in nine days and I can even understand that he feels it''s "only" a diamond and there are plenty of other ones as most guys think this way, but yelling at you because you''re disappointed and making you feel guilty about it?? NO WAY!!!

Honey, there is nothing wrong with knowing what you want and going/asking for it. And it''s not like you''re asking him for a flawless 3+ carat!! You''re very considerate of his budget even if you feel he could do better with what he has and you do your best to find something you will adore with that budget. That''s hard to do on a limited budget, I know... But you''re doing great. I really really don''t think you should feel guilty about this.

Once you''ve both calmed down, I think the two of you should sit down and talk about how you''re feeling, what you want and expect, as calmly and rationally as possible. Tell him you''re sorry if he felt pressured and that it wasn''t your intention. Tell him that you respect that he has a limited budget and want to get the absolute best you can with it, and that''s why you''re doing this. You''re just trying to help. Tell him that he can''t really expect you to not be excited and not share your excitement with him... The engagement is such an important phase in your life! Then say that if he wants you to back off you will, but if you really want to be part of the process, make sure he knows. If he doesn''t open up about his feelings and what he wants after you''ve told him this, you can always say that you''d like to know what he feels and thinks about this. You probably don''t feel like it right now and it''s fine, it doesn''t have to be now, but you have to talk this through.

I''m sending good thoughts your way and wishing you good luck. *hugs*

 

[sumbride]

DITTO DITTO DITTO to what Anchor said.

 

[regalada]

Wren, I would back off and give him some space. If he''s got his defense in 9 days, right now probably the only thing in his mind is the defense. When it''s nine days away it pretty much feels like the world is going to end, no matter how great the dissertation or how high the chance of passing the defense. When I went through it, it was the most stressful time in my life so far. I was snappy, irritable, in tears at times, others in sheer exhilaration. I could barely stand myself, I was in such a roller coaster emotionally. I appreciated when my then boyfriend (now hubby) stayed clear of any other topics (stressful or not) and focused his energy in helping me make it to the defense with all my marbles. If he had come at me with something as important as an engagement stone, I would have probably not handled that very well given my state. I kept making it clear to him that it was not personal, that I was not reacting to him but reacting at myself, at my fear, my stress, my anticipation, and sometimes it was hard for him to take that, but somehow he did.

My friends who have been through it all experienced the same feelings as the defense drew near, it''s not uncommon.

I''m not justifying his yelling at you, just saying that perhaps he is not being himself because the stress is getting to him big time.

 

[FireGoddess]

Maybe it was different for me - to me the PhD qualifying exam was the worst experience ever and the thesis defense was a cakewalk. It was the best time of the whole degree! If it were me I prolly woulda said here''s the money go buy the stone if that''s what you want, but when it comes I do the rest or whatever. But that''s me.

I''m so sorry he snapped but truly, don''t take it personally. I would think if he were thinking rationally he woulda done the above (here''s the money, get the stone and leave the rest to me to deal with after the defense) but he''s probably freaking out for other reasons not having to do with you.

I hope your stone doesn''t get snapped up. Don''t ''out'' the stone on PS...it could get snapped up by a lurker. Just tuck it away for later and hopefully it will be there. *hugs*

 

[gemnick]

The consideration you extend to your fiance during this period of stress for him will be remembered and appreciated for a long time.

If you want the diamond really badly, and it still sings to you, why not make a down payment/hold on it yourself?

After your fiance has finished his defense, talk about it then. For now, try to let it go, and focus on helping him get through this time-limited difficulty. The reward will be phenomenal.

Hope this helps ... (Dr) Gemnick

 

[valeria101]

Ouch! This isn''t serious, right? not like most of the talk between you two, right? I hope so...

Finishing the freaking'' thesis is one of those times folks tend to remember with a shudder for the rest of their lives (well, at least a decent proportions of those who go though this in the first place). Think about it as sort of a ''negative proposal'' - as stressful and insufferable as the other is happy. It will pass... although it may take more than a nap after the defense is over.


I''d bet the guy is fighting proposal and any other happy but as yet forbidden distraction off his mind.

Cheer up, M''am!

If the very commitment to marriage is under question, that can''t happen on the spur of the moment either. Especially not at this moment with difficult things ahead.

 

[firebirdgold]

It turns out my timing is even worse than I thought! Some of his commitee members are trying to change the date. There''s a good chance that his defense may actually be in 3 days!!

I went over to his place because I had to drive him to pick up his car from getting serviced. It didn''t really go well. Everything I said just made matters worse. It all came out wrong or mangled.
He''s furious at me for dumping this on him when he''s so stressed, for not being considerate enough, and he now thinks I don''t trust him.
Granted if I really trusted him to pick out a ring, I wouldn''t get quite so anxious. Let alone the fact that I need to let myself just relax and trust that he won''t change his mind because of my flaws. But that part did not exactly come out right.

He doesn''t understand why I get so upset about the ring and I just don''t know how to tell him that it''s because he always reacts so badly to the subject. I wouldn''t have spent my day crying if he hadn''t been so totally negative about it. I know deep down that he hasn''t been repeatedly negative because he doesn''t want to get married but for a host of other good reasons, but it''s still hurtful and rather damaging to my confidence. I wish he could see that.

I just talked to him again, and another commitee memember is bailing.

But since the guy promised to sign it anyway, all is not lost. My bf sounds like he''s starting to regain his sense of humor and admitted to be in a foul mood because of the stress and because he hasn''t gotten much sleep. Which is close enough to an apology for me!

Now all I have to do is prevent myself from bursting into tears in front of him tonight.

It shouldn''t be too serious, we love each other very much and the only questioning of the commitment is coming from my paranoid, insecure little internal voice.
It''s not like I''m going to leave just because my feelings were hurt. If I can just remember to calm down and trust him, and if my behavior hasn''t already made him question the whole thing, we should be ok.

 

[FireGoddess]

Well, thinking you have 9 days instead of 3 is stressful as is people screwing around with a defense date, which is usuallys set months in advance and is not something you just ''reschedule at the last minute''. He is probably flipping out, understandably.

Of course you are upset about the ring because it is something you plan on wearing the rest of your LIFE and you want to LOVE it - that''s why it''s important to you! Of course not just any stone or any ring will do....you want to love and adore it. And since you''ve done the research, you know what you want and what will look good - of course that''s reason to be concerned about the ring. It''s not about trust, it''s about research and knowledge - he of all people should be able to understand that!!!

Hopefully he will recognize he''s being a bit insensitive (stress or not) and you can spend time together tonight and not be upset. There will be other stones if this one doesn''t pan out, and things will be fine in the long run.

 

[Blenheim]

Wren,

I was just wondering if you''re feeling better about things today. I''m so sorry that you''re going through all of this.

Have they decided definitely when his defense is?

*Hugs*

 

[firebirdgold]

As usual, it''s totally impossible to stay upset! Last night he decided that I had been neglected and proceeded to make me my favorite dinner and bought scented candles.

It made me feel so much better! Guess I had felt rather neglected and unappreciated.

This is the most time I''ve spent with him in well over a month (maybe two?)! I hadn''t realized how much I missed him, or how reassuring it is to spend time with him. I''ve been trying to be supportive by giving him lots of space, but the side-effects on me weren''t so hot.

I don''t know how you ladies with long distance relationships manage! It''s very impressive.
And the diamond hasn''t been scarfed up yet, so I''ll keep my fingers crossed on that. I''m not going to bring it up again first, but I have high hopes he''ll bring up ring shopping during our Greece trip after he''s decompressed a little.

Still no word on when his defense will actually be! Which is more than a bit nerve-wracking! He''s going into pre-defense seclusion tomorrow, so I''ll take advantage of it to get my taxes done.. ick.

Thank you everyone for your concern and support! I really appreciate it!

 

[valeria101]

Date: 4/2/2006 3:44:34 AM
Author: Wren

I don''t know how you ladies with long distance relationships manage!

.. believe me, you don''t want to know.



Still no word on when his defense will actually be!

... fingers crossed for when it will! It surely is important for both of you, right

I am sure the perfect diamond will turn up at precisely the right time. You never know. There''s plenty out there. No joke! And you''ve got a whole hoard of diamond crazies to help out finding the right thing.

''Hope you will enjoy the short wait

 

[JenStone]

Wren, I am so sorry about what you''re going through and I really hope that your diamond doesn''t get snapped up by someone else!

I was surprised (and a bit mortified) to read your reason for not wanting to post as specs/details on here - I didn''t know there were vultures reading PS! I don''t want to stray off topic, but has this happened to many PSers? How horrible!

Wren, you definitely need to pamper yourself at this time and keep continuing to do so until you get the ring on your finger!

 

[anchor31]

Wren - How do we manage a long distance relationship? Faith and trust. If I''d believed everyone who told me it wasn''t going to work, we''d have split up long ago. Lots and lots of emailing and IM-ing, and a few long-distance calls a month. Some more faith and some more IM-ing. It''s not easy, but it''ll all be over in a month!! Yay! I can''t wait to go home!

I''m really glad you''re feeling better. Some quality time with the boyfriend really helps! I hope things go well for your boyfriend''s defense.

JenStone - Yes, it happens. The stone that I was looking at and posted about got sold last week. I was so sad when I saw it was gone!

But I''ve found some others, and I''m not telling about them...

 

[allycat0303]

Wren: I swear you must be the most considerate patient girlfriend in history. I would have literally shoved his thesis down his throat. You''re a saint. On other hand, I''m sure that a diamond you love will come around, even if this one isn''t it. The diamond you love will come along

 

[firebirdgold]

Well, he''s such a doll that it''s not that hard to be patient, even for me! (not one of my character traits). I just need occasional reminders.

I shouldn''t worry so much about him picking a diamond/ring. One of the reasons I got so enthused about this diamond was that it was perfect yet wouldn''t require a lot of work on his part. Assuming he won''t want to put much time and effort into a diamond quest is really selling him short. I just get so anxious about not having any control over this process. It makes feel bad that I feel this way, like I don''t trust him enough to choose a ring I''ll love. But I really do want the ring to reflect both of us, and it is supposed to symbolize his love, right? (just wish I didn''t suspect that he sees it as an overpriced lump of carbon!

)

Besides, I have no idea if he will even like the look of an asscher cut diamond. I''m pretty sure he has no idea diamonds come in shapes other than round! Too bad I didn''t discover that asschers come in our price range before I sent him the original ring research email.

Well, maybe he''ll ask me for more ring input after he recovers and I can tell him how perfect a ~.5 carat asscher in a bezel-set lucinda style would be. (Kinda like Lauren''s ring)

 

[Blenheim]

Wren, I feel kind of the same way. I want to trust my boyfriend with the ring, and I feel like I trust him, but I keep getting anxious about it. I''m such a type A personality at times, while he''s much more laid back. It has its disadvantages, but he does help slow me down and help me take things in perspective. Now if only he gets the perfect ring...

I don''t think my boyfriend had heard of asscher cuts until I showed him some on PS, and I think that they''re his favorite now. So there''s definitely hope for you!

And I''m so glad that he was able to put away his dissertation for an evening and pamper you. It sounds like both of you needed to concentrate on you as a couple, even if only for a few hours. And it should be over soon!! I hope that they decide on a day soon, though, that''s ridiculous!

 

[fatafelice]

Wren: I SO feel your pain!!! I have my fingers crossed for you that his defense goes well and he is able to relax and focus on more important -- i.e. sparkly -- things soon!

Any news on when the defense is going to be?

 

[firebirdgold]

Well, He had his defense today and it went very well indeed. No one asked for any revisions or anything. Of course he has his very own edits he wants to do.

There''s also still plenty of paperwork left so he''s not totally out of the woods yet.

I think it''ll take him a while to decompress. I have no idea when he might start thinking about sparkly things.

Sorry, just talked to my mom who was basically badgering me about getting engaged, it''s horribly depressing talking to her sometimes. It''s bad enough having this little voice inside my head worrying about if he''s having second thoughts without my mother fussing about it and just making it louder.

At this point if he proposed I''d probably keep saying ''are you sure?'' over and over. But a week together on a Greek Island should cure me of that.

(conference? what conference?)

I''m going to try my hardest not to ever bring this whole engagement thing up again before he does. I''m even going to try to edit my conversation to avoid talking about any weddings. Which could be a tad difficult what with both our siblings and a friend getting married this summer.

Sometimes the whole ring thing is so nerve wracking that I wish we could just skip it. I''ve tried to talk him into that, but no go.

Bet I''m not the only one here who''s felt that way!

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 4/4/2006 8:15:53 PM
Author: Wren
Well, He had his defense today and it went very well indeed. No one asked for any revisions or anything. Of course he has his very own edits he wants to do.

There''s also still plenty of paperwork left so he''s not totally out of the woods yet.

See? Cakewalk. They usually won''t let you defend unless they think you''re ready. Glad to hear it''s over and went well!

I hope it doesn''t take long for him to decompress, and hopefully bring up the subject of rings to YOU and admit his reaction was one of stress. I''m hoping!!

What greek isle are you going to? My BIL and SIL got married on Santorini. Tres romantic.

 

[sunkist]

Date: 4/4/2006 8:15:53 PM
Author: Wren

I''m going to try my hardest not to ever bring this whole engagement thing up again before he does. I''m even going to try to edit my conversation to avoid talking about any weddings. Which could be a tad difficult what with both our siblings and a friend getting married this summer.

Congrats to your BF, Wren! What a big accomplishment. School is sooo stressful!

And good job to you for supporting him the whole way through. I know it''s been tough on you too.

So, I''m right there with you on the not bringing up engagement and ring talk until he does! Let''s see how long we can hold out

I''m not going to say anything until he takes me to go ring shopping, which he said we could do a month ago... Isn''t it so hard staying on the same timeline as the BF!? With us I feel like we''re both moving along, and I see that he''s with me so I start running ahead, but then look back and see that he''s still back there. So I stall and wait for him to catch up, and then run on ahead again

I know he''s moving along and will get there in a very short amount of time, and I''m sure your BF will too. I''m really trying to do what all the "LIW-grads" have encouraged, which is to just relax and enjoy this time of pre-engagement. Hang in there