Future in-laws are acting up

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 9:49:52 PM
Author: Eva17
to answer your how?


one can only be sweet for so long. if you feel they are crossing a line, speak up!


it sounds like they will probably have something negative to say at some point during your visit. do not let them get away with it. speak up! even if feelings will get hurt.....

I''ll try. In normal circumstances, I''m not one to bite my tongue, but it''s different with them. However, enough is enough!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 9:49:52 PM
Author: Eva17
to answer your how?


one can only be sweet for so long. if you feel they are crossing a line, speak up!


it sounds like they will probably have something negative to say at some point during your visit. do not let them get away with it. speak up! even if feelings will get hurt.....

I''ll try. I''m usually not one to bite my tongue, but it''s different in front of them. However, enough is enough!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 9:55:27 PM
Author: diamondfan
air mattresses sometimes spontaneously get large gaping gashes in them. Who knew?

PS the naked comments were a joke, DUH. Like I would ever tell my mother in law I want to frolic naked with her son...eeuuww. Just trying to joke and find a way to make it VERY unappetizing for them to stay there.

Could you casually mention a lice infestation in your building?

That air mattress gave up the ghost after one use. The next time Precious Wecious stayed, he had to blow it up manually.

Of course I know it was a joke. A good joke.

The lice infestation line is promising.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 9:55:55 PM
Author: justjulia
So, when you go to the IL''s, have access to your own car and take frequent trips out. Like, to the mall or Starbucks. Seriously, this is how I survived. Do not stay with them if you can help it. Act cheerful and oblivious.

I was about to say to put a camp cot (a really sqeeky, saggy, wirey one) in your guest room, but after reading he didn''t mind the air mattress, you don''t have a prayer. Hey, what if you said to your husband that he and brother will room together and you take the guest room? I know, I know...don''t want to start WWIII with dh.

Basically stick to the plan of no BIL as a guest. Fill up your guest room with stuff. Make it a crowded office. Make it a no visitor zone for any of them. (I know I sound very harsh, but it is necessary for your sanity.) Repeat after me, ''We just don''t have room for visitors right now since we are remodeling.'' Go out and buy a can of paint and set it in the room. Leave it there. Now you aren''t lying and that''s it.

We can''t. Their lake house is in the boonies. The grocery store has stuffed animal heads all over the place! There isn''t a motel or hotel nearyby.

We don''t have a guest room! We live in NY and the second room is an office.

Haha!

 

[Fly Girl]

Date: 7/11/2008 9:40:30 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/11/2008 8:14:13 PM
Author: crown1

hi harriet! i think this is sound advice you have been given by flygirl. i have been following this and would say nothing until flygirl said just what i have been thinking. i have been around a long time and have found honest and direct is the way to go. i have gotten riled up about something similar a long time ago and made too much of it. you have said no, end of discussion. go to the birthday celebration and act as if nothing is up since you have already settled this.

Hi crown1,
I agree with flygirl and you, except that I''m not sure things have been settled. I''m terrified that the ILs will try to pick a fight when we''re there (he send you on the guilt trip; she''s passive-aggressive).

I can tell you are very worried about this, and I feel for you. I have been blessed with very nice in-laws, who don''t impose themselves, but the undercurrent is always there. We have a nice 3-bedroom lake home and the two spare bedrooms remain unfinished. We invite people up for day visits, but we don''t feed them. They bring food and we share. We don''t let people stay at all in our absence, and I expect the only ones who will be able to use the house in the future will be our children and their future families (and they had better be polite about asking or forget it!!).

Please stand your ground and I hope that you two are united about this. It''s the only way.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

I can''t offer much advice as I have NO relationship with FIs family (long story).

But just wanted to stop in and say

hang in there.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 10:02:41 PM
Author: iluvcarats

When they come back looking for the air mattress tell that you returned it to Bed Bath and Beyond because you don''t like having visitors, so you didn''t think you needed it.

How could you possibly write a thank you note for a gift like that?
Would it be ''Thank you very much for the lovely air mattress that actually was for you. I hope you will find it very comfortable...?'' WTF

I think that this could be a new reality TV show - The Inlaws!

That air mattress has gone the way of the dodo. The card probably would have cost more than the darn thing.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 10:20:40 PM
Author: Fly Girl
I can tell you are very worried about this, and I feel for you. I have been blessed with very nice in-laws, who don''t impose themselves, but the undercurrent is always there. We have a nice 3-bedroom lake home and the two spare bedrooms remain unfinished. We invite people up for day visits, but we don''t feed them. They bring food and we share. We don''t let people stay at all in our absence, and I expect the only ones who will be able to use the house in the future will be our children and their future families (and they had better be polite about asking or forget it!!).

Please stand your ground and I hope that you two are united about this. It''s the only way.

Thank you very much, Fly Girl.

We will try our best. Thank you again.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 10:21:28 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
I can''t offer much advice as I have NO relationship with FIs family (long story).

But just wanted to stop in and say

hang in there.

Thank you darlin''.

 

[diamondfan]

Harriet, my mother in laws rules Passive Aggressive Land. I would almost bet the farm that she WILL make attempts. Act dumb. Pretend you do not get what she is doing, and have a need to leave the room. I do this all the time now. I say, Oh, or Uh huh a lot. I sort of drift into another room. I am gone a lot from home, running the kids, taking the dog to the vet...things I know she will not want to come with me to do as it is too boring and not all about her. I get a migraine or two and take to my bed.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 10:36:10 PM
Author: diamondfan
Harriet, my mother in laws rules Passive Aggressive Land. I would almost bet the farm that she WILL make attempts. Act dumb. Pretend you do not get what she is doing, and have a need to leave the room. I do this all the time now. I say, Oh, or Uh huh a lot. I sort of drift into another room. I am gone a lot from home, running the kids, taking the dog to the vet...things I know she will not want to come with me to do as it is too boring and not all about her. I get a migraine or two and take to my bed.

Does she also having an you''re so-dense-but-since-I''m-a-saint-I''ll-be-patient-with-you voice?
Good idea. Btw, did you get my post saying that I knew your were joking?

 

[Linda W]

Date: 7/11/2008 10:40:03 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/11/2008 10:36:10 PM

Author: diamondfan

Harriet, my mother in laws rules Passive Aggressive Land. I would almost bet the farm that she WILL make attempts. Act dumb. Pretend you do not get what she is doing, and have a need to leave the room. I do this all the time now. I say, Oh, or Uh huh a lot. I sort of drift into another room. I am gone a lot from home, running the kids, taking the dog to the vet...things I know she will not want to come with me to do as it is too boring and not all about her. I get a migraine or two and take to my bed.

Does she also having an you''re so-dense-but-since-I''m-a-saint-I''ll-be-patient-with-you voice?

Good idea. Btw, did you get my post saying that I knew your were joking?

Good Lord Harriet, sounds like my MIL''s voice. Plus... she always gave me dirty looks, when DH wasn''t looking. I learned to give them right back instead of being intimidated by them, like was when we were first married.

I feel so bad for you and I wish your doctor would have given you a note.


Linda

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 10:54:05 PM
Author: Linda W

Good Lord Harriet, sounds like my MIL''s voice. Plus... she always gave me dirty looks, when DH wasn''t looking. I learned to give them right back instead of being intimidated by them, like was when we were first married.

I feel so bad for you and I wish your doctor would have given you a note.


Linda

Dirty looks? You? But you''re a darling!

He did say we still have 2 weeks ...

 

[diamondfan]

Yes. PS. I am the one who uses that voice with her. But it is because she IS so dense and I really AM being patient with her. To be fair I feel, in my heart, she is on the road to dementia fast. She will ask me the same thing 5 times in 10 minutes. And tell me the same story over and over while denying she ever told me even though I can recite it word for word. Mine is just a pot stirrer, glares and sighs and acts ultra put out over the littlest things. Hates it if she cannot be the center of attention. Acts like a 2 year old sulking and pouting when she does not get her way. A real charmer all around.

 

[Harriet]

Does she also lack a filter?

 

[diamondfan]

Somewhat. She thinks she is the world''s authority on all things and thinks everyone is thrilled to hear her opinion so out it comes. She is also offensive and when 100% proven incorrect about anything denies it to the end. Major PITA in every way.

 

[iheartscience]

Yikes, I must have missed this yesterday! I''m sorry you''re dealing with this. You''ve gotten sound advice, but I just wanted to say that I feel your pain. Let''s just say a certain fiance''s mother always stays with him/us when she comes to town...it''s so uncomfortable for me. And it''s not even personal-I just plain dislike having people stay with me...a lot. I don''t even have people over to my house at all usually because I just like relaxing in my house! I hate having to entertain and I HATE not having my couch, my tv to myself, etc. Not enjoyable.

You''re definitely doing the right thing by standing your ground. I am seriously filled with dread just *thinking* about someone staying with me, let alone FIVE TIMES A MONTH! Are you kidding me? If precious wecious wants to work in the big city, he needs to get a real job and get his own damn apartment. Seriously!

I have tons of friends who live in the city and I would NEVER invite myself to stay with them...ever. I''ve had some offer and I''ve taken up one on his offer, but only because he has the set up to actually have guests and truly does not seem to mind. But when I''ve gone to NY, I''ve stayed in a hotel 98% of the times!

 

[diamondfan]

I stay with my step sis and she with me. My mom will come and stay with me here. I do not typically mind having a guest for a couple of days, but my mother in law is like hell to me. I cannot take coming down to my kitchen and seeing her. I love my space and she invades it so totally. I cannot make toast because as I am putting it in the toaster SHE decides she must have toast NOW. And so she then stands practically on top of me and eyes my toast. Once, when I went to get something from another room (ja, from the pantry) she removed MY TOAST from the toaster while it was still toasting and put HERS in. Freaking nut case.

 

[crown1]

Date: 7/11/2008 9:29:44 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/11/2008 6:04:46 PM

Author: Eva17

i agree with DF, and in return DH owes you BIG time, by never allowing house guests, and shaking on it!!!



but i would not let him go alone to come home pissed off. because that is DEFINATELY what will happen. it will all be your fault then.


go and give them some of their own shit back in their pie hole!




i know, easier said than done. either way it''s stress. so do it for DH and the opportunity to answer them back.

Hi Eva,

Now, FI says he''s seen how much my privacy means to me and that he''ll give on this one. So, the no-guest policy remains in effect!

How?

hi again! i think this, "the no-guest policy remains in effect", would settle it for me. to give advice that i did not originate, i think the words to live by are, "simply let your yes be yes and your no be no". use your skills and stay on task. if it is brought up again simply say we have already settled that now let''s celebrate this birthday. any argument takes two to continue. i would hate to think that this kind of back and forth with the inlaws was going to follow you and make you bitter for the rest of your life. you will be an invited guest and should be treated as one.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Harriet, I am very late to this discussion, but my advice is to ALWAYS let your DF handle sensitive communication with his parents, and you with yours. I try to stick to that because I have seen that my taking a stand on things makes them think it is all my fault and not hubby''s. So don''t do that!

I do think boundaries need to be made. No guests in a 1 br apartment!!! But I think there needs to be respect shown toward parents unless there are very unusual circumstances. Go to the party, be sweet and kind like you are, and have a mind-set of trying to make the birthday be pleasant for your fiance''s father. That will be a gift for your fiance. I''d just make that visit as short as possible!

 

[Linda W]

Date: 7/12/2008 1:16:07 AM
Author: diamondfan
I stay with my step sis and she with me. My mom will come and stay with me here. I do not typically mind having a guest for a couple of days, but my mother in law is like hell to me. I cannot take coming down to my kitchen and seeing her. I love my space and she invades it so totally. I cannot make toast because as I am putting it in the toaster SHE decides she must have toast NOW. And so she then stands practically on top of me and eyes my toast. Once, when I went to get something from another room (ja, from the pantry) she removed MY TOAST from the toaster while it was still toasting and put HERS in. Freaking nut case.

OMG Caroline, now I have heard of everything. This is so completely rude.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Date: 7/11/2008 9:32:58 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/11/2008 7:24:21 PM
Author: LtlFirecracker

Date: 7/11/2008 1:42:11 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/11/2008 1:40:25 AM
Author: Linda W
Harriet, now I am really worried about you. If you are out on medical leave, you certainly do not need added stress.

Linda

Doctor''s note?

Not a bad idea

I think you need to stand your ground on this one. Have not read the whole thing yet though, so I don''t have the whole story.

Wanna write me one?

To whom it may concern,

Harriet has a medical condition that is worsened by stressful situations. When interacting with her, please choose you words carefully so she will not get upset, as this can exaberbate her physical condition. Also, she needs a living space that has no more than 2 people (total) for every 2000 square feet. Thank you for you time and understanding.

Sincerely,

LFC, MD

As close as I can come to giving you the real thing. I agree with diamondseeker, you probably should work with you DF on this one, he should beable to stand up for your wishes. I stayed with lots of people while I was in med school, but there was kind of an unwritten rule that if an OOT med student you know is coming to town for something, you offered your place. We were all short on money, and were willing to help each other out. Now that I am earning money, I never ask anyone for a place to stay, and no one has ever asked me. And it was never 5x a month, that would drive me crazy!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Harriet
bring out the shotgun!!

 

[diamondfan]

Harriet, if you are sick the point of needing time off, I think, no offense to your fiance, that your needs come first. They cause you stress from a distance so they should most assuredly not be in your face now when you are not at your strongest emotionally. You should nicely tell your fiance that your no guest rule applies to all, not just them, and that yes, you have stress with them, but it is not simply about being selfish to them. As a practical point your place really cannot accomodate two adults and bottom line is he should back you up and tell his folks it is not anything personal but you BOTH have decided going forward that you are not able to have overnight company. And I would not get into justifying or rationalizing your view. He should be the mouthpiece, though, for all communications that could create stress.

Linda, that is but ONE example. You have no idea what she is like and I am surprised I have not strangled her yet.

 

[simplysplendid]

Sorry that you are going through this Harriet. Get well soon.

I''ve had my DH''s aunt and her family over a couple of times and it is not easy as they are not the most considerate folks around. Then I had a baby and DH simply told them there''s no space to accomodate them with the room taken up by the baby.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/12/2008 12:20:12 AM
Author: diamondfan
Somewhat. She thinks she is the world''s authority on all things and thinks everyone is thrilled to hear her opinion so out it comes. She is also offensive and when 100% proven incorrect about anything denies it to the end. Major PITA in every way.

Mine believes that if a magazine says X, then X is true.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/12/2008 1:03:17 AM
Author: thing2of2
Yikes, I must have missed this yesterday! I''m sorry you''re dealing with this. You''ve gotten sound advice, but I just wanted to say that I feel your pain. Let''s just say a certain fiance''s mother always stays with him/us when she comes to town...it''s so uncomfortable for me. And it''s not even personal-I just plain dislike having people stay with me...a lot. I don''t even have people over to my house at all usually because I just like relaxing in my house! I hate having to entertain and I HATE not having my couch, my tv to myself, etc. Not enjoyable.

You''re definitely doing the right thing by standing your ground. I am seriously filled with dread just *thinking* about someone staying with me, let alone FIVE TIMES A MONTH! Are you kidding me? If precious wecious wants to work in the big city, he needs to get a real job and get his own damn apartment. Seriously!

I have tons of friends who live in the city and I would NEVER invite myself to stay with them...ever. I''ve had some offer and I''ve taken up one on his offer, but only because he has the set up to actually have guests and truly does not seem to mind. But when I''ve gone to NY, I''ve stayed in a hotel 98% of the times!

Thank you sweetie! I have been given sound advice indeed. I''m with you -- I NEED my privacy too. And, let''s not forget someone else using your bathroom.

Precious Wecious is perfect, didn''t you know?

Oh, and he might have brought his skanky girlfriend along too.

Good on you!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/12/2008 1:03:17 AM
Author: thing2of2
Yikes, I must have missed this yesterday! I''m sorry you''re dealing with this. You''ve gotten sound advice, but I just wanted to say that I feel your pain. Let''s just say a certain fiance''s mother always stays with him/us when she comes to town...it''s so uncomfortable for me. And it''s not even personal-I just plain dislike having people stay with me...a lot. I don''t even have people over to my house at all usually because I just like relaxing in my house! I hate having to entertain and I HATE not having my couch, my tv to myself, etc. Not enjoyable.

You''re definitely doing the right thing by standing your ground. I am seriously filled with dread just *thinking* about someone staying with me, let alone FIVE TIMES A MONTH! Are you kidding me? If precious wecious wants to work in the big city, he needs to get a real job and get his own damn apartment. Seriously!

I have tons of friends who live in the city and I would NEVER invite myself to stay with them...ever. I''ve had some offer and I''ve taken up one on his offer, but only because he has the set up to actually have guests and truly does not seem to mind. But when I''ve gone to NY, I''ve stayed in a hotel 98% of the times!

Thank you, sweetie. I have been given sound advice indeed. I''m like you -- I NEED my privacy. And, let''s not forget someone else using your bathroom.

Yup. He might have brought his girlfriend too. I won''t go into details, but suffice it to say that she could use some class.

Good on you!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/12/2008 1:16:07 AM
Author: diamondfan
I stay with my step sis and she with me. My mom will come and stay with me here. I do not typically mind having a guest for a couple of days, but my mother in law is like hell to me. I cannot take coming down to my kitchen and seeing her. I love my space and she invades it so totally. I cannot make toast because as I am putting it in the toaster SHE decides she must have toast NOW. And so she then stands practically on top of me and eyes my toast. Once, when I went to get something from another room (ja, from the pantry) she removed MY TOAST from the toaster while it was still toasting and put HERS in. Freaking nut case.

OMG! I''m sorry. Mine will be giving me decorating ideas non-stop because she''s an expert, you know?

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/12/2008 9:59:10 AM
Author: crown1

hi again! i think this, ''the no-guest policy remains in effect'', would settle it for me. to give advice that i did not originate, i think the words to live by are, ''simply let your yes be yes and your no be no''. use your skills and stay on task. if it is brought up again simply say we have already settled that now let''s celebrate this birthday. any argument takes two to continue. i would hate to think that this kind of back and forth with the inlaws was going to follow you and make you bitter for the rest of your life. you will be an invited guest and should be treated as one.

Hi! Good response -- I''ll be sweet and say that I don''t want to mar the happy occasion. This back-and-forth did go on for a couple of years. FI was optimistic that it had stopped. Apparently not.