Future in-laws are acting up

[Miranda]

What a sticky situation, Harriet! I understand, though...All too well, unfortunately. There''s nothing wrong with laying down the law and having your no guest policy. It''s best to set the boundaries now rather than later. It took my in-laws a looooong time to get used to me and the way I do things in MY home and concerning MY children, but, they''ve come around for the most part. And they''re a stubborn bullying lot! We have gone head to head more than once. Ah well, if nothing else works, I second DiamondFan''s suggestion of telling them you are a nudist (a modest one, though) and need lots of nekkie time every day.

Regarding the trip for FFIL''s birthday. How upset would DF be if you stayed behind. After all it is two weeks before your wedding and you are home on medical leave. Could he just go alone? Or not at all?

You are sparking a new thread for me as we recently had the house guests from hell.

 

[diamondfan]

Between the two crap options, I would GO. I would not be absentee and allow them to attack me in absentia. NO WAY. I would not give hubby a reason to come home with a head of steam, so I would suck it up and put my nicest and phoniest smile on and beat them at their own game.

 

[Eva17]

i agree with DF, and in return DH owes you BIG time, by never allowing house guests, and shaking on it!!!


but i would not let him go alone to come home pissed off. because that is DEFINATELY what will happen. it will all be your fault then.

go and give them some of their own shit back in their pie hole!


i know, easier said than done. either way it''s stress. so do it for DH and the opportunity to answer them back.

 

[FrekeChild]

Oh Harriet! I''m sorry they are making things so hard on you, when you certainly don''t need any more stress.

I am learning so much from this thread though, and I too want to know how to make my living quarters as inhospitable as possible...

Just don''t tell BF.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:42:11 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/11/2008 1:40:25 AM
Author: Linda W
Harriet, now I am really worried about you. If you are out on medical leave, you certainly do not need added stress.

Linda

Doctor''s note?

Not a bad idea

I think you need to stand your ground on this one. Have not read the whole thing yet though, so I don''t have the whole story.

 

[Fly Girl]

I''ve been following this thread, and I think this is mostly cultural. In the Midwest people often crash with family and friends, particularly if you are poor and the area is very expensive. I spoke to a workmate this week who told me that he just spent two weeks with his entire family at his sister''s condo at the beach. Many people like their friends and relatives and enjoy having houseguests. I''ve had most of my relatives stay at my house over the years, and I have a tiny house. That said, there are a lot of them that I won''t have over again, because it wasn''t much fun. So I just say sorry, no. It sounds like your future IL stayed with you once before, and expected to be able to stay with you again. You said no, he tried to pull his parents in on this, you said no again. So here you are.

I hope that they will accept your decision and will be civil to you. No need to make up stories about running naked (they''ll just think why don''t you put on a robe.) You tried in the past, houseguests don''t work for you and therefore they can''t expect to stay at your place when in NY. End of story. BTW, go ahead and go to Michigan, and try to enjoy the trip and not stress out. It is sooooo not woth it.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 7/10/2008 10:49:02 PM
Author: diamondfan
Harriet, this is an important fork in the road for you and your man. You need to stand firm. You are not a hotel, and if you do not have the space you are not obligated to put people up. AND ESPECIALLY NOT RIGHT BEFORE YOUR WEDDING. Period. You can nicely tell his family that you are SURE they will understand that due to extreme space limitations and the hectic aura surrounding getting married, you need to have your home to yourselves right now. Say, I am not sure what the future will hold, but as it stands now we have such little room and would likely not be good hosts. Thanks SO much for your understanding. We REALLY appreciate it.


Just keep repeating that, do not give them a chance to argue. Keep moving it back to how GREAT it is that they understand. Which they don''t but at least you can run circles around them!


Be prepared to have this fight many times in life, EVEN if you get your point across now. People like that do not change, so you just have to bob and weave a lot. Be a moving target so they cannot land a punch...but dance so gracefully you do not look bad. If push comes to shove, get tough, but try to appear as if it is so not a big deal and so going to be your way that it is not worth getting upset about. Maybe modeling that will help calm them.


You can also put a tiny cot in the office and start a very noisy hobby in there, like welding or making hammered tin bowls

WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL YOUR RECEPTION PLANS?!

I''ve just read to this point, so forgive me for jumping in. I totally agree with what DF has said.
I''ll probably have more to say when I finish reading this whole thread.

 

[crown1]

Date: 7/11/2008 7:50:34 PM
Author: Fly Girl
I''ve been following this thread, and I think this is mostly cultural. In the Midwest people often crash with family and friends, particularly if you are poor and the area is very expensive. I spoke to a workmate this week who told me that he just spent two weeks with his entire family at his sister''s condo at the beach. Many people like their friends and relatives and enjoy having houseguests. I''ve had most of my relatives stay at my house over the years, and I have a tiny house. That said, there are a lot of them that I won''t have over again, because it wasn''t much fun. So I just say sorry, no. It sounds like your future IL stayed with you once before, and expected to be able to stay with you again. You said no, he tried to pull his parents in on this, you said no again. So here you are.


I hope that they will accept your decision and will be civil to you. No need to make up stories about running naked (they''ll just think why don''t you put on a robe.) You tried in the past, houseguests don''t work for you and therefore they can''t expect to stay at your place when in NY. End of story. BTW, go ahead and go to Michigan, and try to enjoy the trip and not stress out. It is sooooo not woth it.

hi harriet! i think this is sound advice you have been given by flygirl. i have been following this and would say nothing until flygirl said just what i have been thinking. i have been around a long time and have found honest and direct is the way to go. i have gotten riled up about something similar a long time ago and made too much of it. you have said no, end of discussion. go to the birthday celebration and act as if nothing is up since you have already settled this.

 

[justjulia]

Okay, I''ve got it. Get a big, slobbery dog and keep it in the room he would stay in and tell him the deal is he has to walk the dog several times a day as a trade.

Joking.

Stand your ground now, because the next big hurdle will be when you have children. They will be telling you how to raise them. Get used to saying, thank you, I appreciate your concern, and go on your merry way.

Personal space is a huge, huge issue. It''s too close to the wedding for all this. It''s never going to be okay for him to stay with you.

 

[coatimundi_org]

Hi Harriet,
Just wanted to send you some symp/emphathy. I can relate all too well. My husband and I have had to distance ourselves (and our house!) from his sister. It just had to be done. I''m sorry that you are ill and have to deal with this! Hope you get some resolution soon!

I know you''ve had other offers, but I''d gladly send him to my in-laws in WY!! mwahHAHAAAA

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 12:54:37 PM
Author: Linda W
Harriet,

Thinking of you this morning. Did you hear from them yet??

Love, Linda

No, dearest Linda.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:18:59 PM
Author: Miranda
What a sticky situation, Harriet! I understand, though...All too well, unfortunately. There''s nothing wrong with laying down the law and having your no guest policy. It''s best to set the boundaries now rather than later. It took my in-laws a looooong time to get used to me and the way I do things in MY home and concerning MY children, but, they''ve come around for the most part. And they''re a stubborn bullying lot! We have gone head to head more than once. Ah well, if nothing else works, I second DiamondFan''s suggestion of telling them you are a nudist (a modest one, though) and need lots of nekkie time every day.

Regarding the trip for FFIL''s birthday. How upset would DF be if you stayed behind. After all it is two weeks before your wedding and you are home on medical leave. Could he just go alone? Or not at all?

You are sparking a new thread for me as we recently had the house guests from hell.

Very. And, he''d come back even more so because they''d give him a talking-to. I didn''t go one Christmas because of something FMIL did. FI''s father picked him up from the airport and yapped at him, FI''s mother dropped him off and yapped at him.

Are you starting a thread? I''d bet others have good stories.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 5:41:03 PM
Author: diamondfan
Between the two crap options, I would GO. I would not be absentee and allow them to attack me in absentia. NO WAY. I would not give hubby a reason to come home with a head of steam, so I would suck it up and put my nicest and phoniest smile on and beat them at their own game.

That''s precisely what I''m scared off.
P.S. I asked my doctor for a note. He declined.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 6:04:46 PM
Author: Eva17
i agree with DF, and in return DH owes you BIG time, by never allowing house guests, and shaking on it!!!


but i would not let him go alone to come home pissed off. because that is DEFINATELY what will happen. it will all be your fault then.

go and give them some of their own shit back in their pie hole!


i know, easier said than done. either way it''s stress. so do it for DH and the opportunity to answer them back.

Hi Eva,
Now, FI says he''s seen how much my privacy means to me and that he''ll give on this one. So, the no-guest policy remains in effect!

How?

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 6:44:06 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Oh Harriet! I''m sorry they are making things so hard on you, when you certainly don''t need any more stress.

I am learning so much from this thread though, and I too want to know how to make my living quarters as inhospitable as possible...

Just don''t tell BF.

Oh no, you too?

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 7:24:21 PM
Author: LtlFirecracker

Date: 7/11/2008 1:42:11 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/11/2008 1:40:25 AM
Author: Linda W
Harriet, now I am really worried about you. If you are out on medical leave, you certainly do not need added stress.

Linda

Doctor''s note?

Not a bad idea

I think you need to stand your ground on this one. Have not read the whole thing yet though, so I don''t have the whole story.

Wanna write me one?

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 7:50:34 PM
Author: Fly Girl
I''ve been following this thread, and I think this is mostly cultural. In the Midwest people often crash with family and friends, particularly if you are poor and the area is very expensive. I spoke to a workmate this week who told me that he just spent two weeks with his entire family at his sister''s condo at the beach. Many people like their friends and relatives and enjoy having houseguests. I''ve had most of my relatives stay at my house over the years, and I have a tiny house. That said, there are a lot of them that I won''t have over again, because it wasn''t much fun. So I just say sorry, no. It sounds like your future IL stayed with you once before, and expected to be able to stay with you again. You said no, he tried to pull his parents in on this, you said no again. So here you are.

I hope that they will accept your decision and will be civil to you. No need to make up stories about running naked (they''ll just think why don''t you put on a robe.) You tried in the past, houseguests don''t work for you and therefore they can''t expect to stay at your place when in NY. End of story. BTW, go ahead and go to Michigan, and try to enjoy the trip and not stress out. It is sooooo not woth it.

Thanks for sharing your perpective.

P.S. After grad and law school, I''ve had enough of MI (no offence intended to any Michiganders here).

 

[FrekeChild]

Well, I probably won''t have problems with ILs because everyone lives here, but when we move out of state...

Think I could get away with having a basement and a couple extra bedrooms and NOT having anyone stay with us?

...perhaps if I turn one of the bedrooms into a shoe room, and the other into an office, and have our bed be the only thing you can lie down on...

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 8:14:13 PM
Author: crown1

hi harriet! i think this is sound advice you have been given by flygirl. i have been following this and would say nothing until flygirl said just what i have been thinking. i have been around a long time and have found honest and direct is the way to go. i have gotten riled up about something similar a long time ago and made too much of it. you have said no, end of discussion. go to the birthday celebration and act as if nothing is up since you have already settled this.

Hi crown1,
I agree with flygirl and you, except that I'm not sure things have been settled. I'm terrified that the ILs will try to pick a fight when we're there (he send you on the guilt trip; she's passive-aggressive).

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 8:17:08 PM
Author: justjulia
Okay, I''ve got it. Get a big, slobbery dog and keep it in the room he would stay in and tell him the deal is he has to walk the dog several times a day as a trade.

Joking.

Stand your ground now, because the next big hurdle will be when you have children. They will be telling you how to raise them. Get used to saying, thank you, I appreciate your concern, and go on your merry way.

Personal space is a huge, huge issue. It''s too close to the wedding for all this. It''s never going to be okay for him to stay with you.

Thanks for ploughing through the thread!

The first time he stayed, our puppy pooped on his air mattress, but that hasn''t deterred him.

It''s not just Precious Wecious. The ILs expect to be able to stay whenever they want. You''re right. I. Have. To. Be. Firm.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 8:25:51 PM
Author: coatimundi
Hi Harriet,
Just wanted to send you some symp/emphathy. I can relate all too well. My husband and I have had to distance ourselves (and our house!) from his sister. It just had to be done. I''m sorry that you are ill and have to deal with this! Hope you get some resolution soon!

I know you''ve had other offers, but I''d gladly send him to my in-laws in WY!! mwahHAHAAAA

Thanks. Misery loves company.
I like your offer!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 9:37:23 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Well, I probably won''t have problems with ILs because everyone lives here, but when we move out of state...

Think I could get away with having a basement and a couple extra bedrooms and NOT having anyone stay with us?

...perhaps if I turn one of the bedrooms into a shoe room, and the other into an office, and have our bed be the only thing you can lie down on...

It won''t work. They actually gave us the gift of an air mattress one year!

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 7/11/2008 9:48:47 PM
Author: Harriet
It won''t work. They actually gave us the gift of an air mattress one year!

 

[Eva17]

to answer your how?


one can only be sweet for so long. if you feel they are crossing a line, speak up!


it sounds like they will probably have something negative to say at some point during your visit. do not let them get away with it. speak up! even if feelings will get hurt.....

 

[diamondfan]

air mattresses sometimes spontaneously get large gaping gashes in them. Who knew?

PS the naked comments were a joke, DUH. Like I would ever tell my mother in law I want to frolic naked with her son...eeuuww. Just trying to joke and find a way to make it VERY unappetizing for them to stay there.

Could you casually mention a lice infestation in your building?

 

[justjulia]

So, when you go to the IL''s, have access to your own car and take frequent trips out. Like, to the mall or Starbucks. Seriously, this is how I survived. Do not stay with them if you can help it. Act cheerful and oblivious.

I was about to say to put a camp cot (a really sqeeky, saggy, wirey one) in your guest room, but after reading he didn''t mind the air mattress, you don''t have a prayer. Hey, what if you said to your husband that he and brother will room together and you take the guest room? I know, I know...don''t want to start WWIII with dh.

Basically stick to the plan of no BIL as a guest. Fill up your guest room with stuff. Make it a crowded office. Make it a no visitor zone for any of them. (I know I sound very harsh, but it is necessary for your sanity.) Repeat after me, "We just don''t have room for visitors right now since we are remodeling." Go out and buy a can of paint and set it in the room. Leave it there. Now you aren''t lying and that''s it.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 9:49:49 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 7/11/2008 9:48:47 PM
Author: Harriet
It won''t work. They actually gave us the gift of an air mattress one year!

How gracious, right?

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 7/11/2008 9:56:27 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/11/2008 9:49:49 PM

Author: FrekeChild

Date: 7/11/2008 9:48:47 PM

Author: Harriet

It won''t work. They actually gave us the gift of an air mattress one year!

How gracious, right?

That''s one word for it, yes.

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 7/11/2008 9:56:27 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/11/2008 9:49:49 PM

Author: FrekeChild

Date: 7/11/2008 9:48:47 PM

Author: Harriet

It won''t work. They actually gave us the gift of an air mattress one year!

How gracious, right?

When they come back looking for the air mattress tell that you returned it to Bed Bath and Beyond because you don''t like having visitors, so you didn''t think you needed it.

How could you possibly write a thank you note for a gift like that?
Would it be "Thank you very much for the lovely air mattress that actually was for you. I hope you will find it very comfortable...?" WTF

I think that this could be a new reality TV show - The Inlaws!

 

[FrekeChild]

No but seriously.

I have words. Not PS appropriate words.

ETA: LMAO at iluvcarats thank you note idea...