Getting Guests to Pay For Their Own Meals

[Haven]

I don't understand how you can even end up paying for their meals when you don't want to do so.
Look at the bill, figure out what you owe, pull out your contribution, and say "here's what we owe."

These people are taking advantage of you, but they couldn't do it if you didn't allow it in the first place.

 

[iLander]

Well, I think everyone's right. People are taking advantage, which has not really occurred to me. How can they live with themselves? I would feel horrible if I took something from someone (which is what taking advantage is)!

I guess I will try the "split the check" line, I'll mumble it to the waitress, because it does seem rude on some level, but it is getting out of hand.

They are with us for every minute because we live in a tourist area and we always figured that taking visitors to see the sights is the polite thing to do.

ETA: I have GOT to be a little less soft and "old-school" polite; I always write thank you notes (in the mail) and I bring hostess gifts when visiting (nice box of Godiva), that kind of thing. But I guess people don't understand that stuff anymore.

 

[sonnyjane]

Well, I think everyone's right. People are taking advantage, which has not really occurred to me. How can they live with themselves? I would feel horrible if I took something from someone (which is what taking advantage is)!

I guess I will try the "split the check" line, I'll mumble it to the waitress, because it does seem rude on some level, but it is getting out of hand.

They are with us for every minute because we live in a tourist area and we always figured that taking visitors to see the sights is the polite thing to do.

It is not rude to tell the waitress you'd like a separate check! It is rude for your dining companions to assume that you're footing the bill! I would never in my life assume that I would go to someone else's city to visit and THEY would pay for ME! If anything I would assume I would pay for THEM in exchange for them showing me the sights. If you're not bold about this, you'll end up being taken advantage of again. Better for them to hear that you've requested the separate check than be surprised after the bill comes. The might make different choices when ordering if they know they're paying for it.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I'll have to agree with the premise that you are allowing this to happen. And I think it is incredibly rude of the other people.

When we go out with friends and the waiter comes to the table to start the order, sometimes they ask if it will be one check or more than one and we tell them separate checks. Or if they do not ask, when they take the drink order we just add that it'll be separate checks or the three of us are on this check, etc.

If for any reason that doesn't happen and one check comes to the table, I would immediately say, let's see, our part should come to around $40 (to signal that we are only paying for our part)..and when the waiter comes back, tell him to put the $40 on our card.

 

[Phoenix]

Your expectations are your responsibility.
Just stop paying.
Tell them the rest of the meals are on them since you paid for the last two days.

People vary.
Not everyone shares your views on manners and protocol.
When this becomes an issue you speak up.

This public politeness followed by private resentment thing is not necessary, yet I see again and again in posts from PS members.

I think we are happier when we are as similar as possible on the inside and the outside.

BIG +1 (Should I be worried that I seem to agree with Kenny alot?)

You should deal with the problem on the spot. You have little to lose: it sounds like if they don't head your way again you couldn't be happier.

I almost never pick up the cheque, because i always am the first to ask how much I owe. My question jars the rest of the moochers at the table, because if one guy/couple picks up the tab and some of the others at lunch start paying back, you'd look pretty stupid sitting there hoping your name doesn't get called for payment when the others have paid back their share.

When I DO pick up the tab, I just tell them what their share of it is that they owe us.

Treats work the same way too. I always offer to pay (genuinely), then someone would insist on covering or vice versa.

I don't hang out with anyone who always expects me to cover the bill, because I don't expect them to sleep with me after I've paid.

I totally agree with Kenny and Tristan - in concept at least. I find it rather difficult IRL to implement though. I find that when we go out in a group, there are likely to be those who count the number of dollars they've spent (as listed on the menu) whilst conveniently not taking service charges and tax into account; so there'll always be those (inclg ourselves and a couple of other people) who would end up bearing the burden of the so-called "excess-charges-we-don't-understand-why" at the end of the meal. So now we tell the waiting staff to to give us separate checks before we even order, but this doesn't always work out!

And then there's my infamous niece (the one from Berkeley - some of you might remember) who recently came to stay - again inviting herself. She expected me to pay for *everything* even though she's almost 21 and is earning good money working as an intern for Accenture. I paid for every single meal, and she never even made a gesture to offer, which I'd have declined anyway. To make matters worse, she kept wanting to go shopping and I already bought her a dress for SGD420 (approx USD330) and then she insisted on dragging us to shoe shops and kept putting shoes right next to me, expecting me to pick them up and paying for them!! I just walked away and luckily there was this wonderful amazing friend with me (if you're reading this, KISS and THANK YOU) who said she'd take care of it. So eventually my niece ended up paying for her own shoes (which incidentally were a lot cheaper than the ones she wanted me to pay for)! Next she pulled a similar stunt when we went shopping at a grocery store, she took this skincare product and snuck in into our groceries when we checked out. My husband then told her to give him back the money! Good for him!! This niece also expected me to go to Bali with her, meaning she'd use me for the airfare and hotel bill whilst she went off galavanting (sp) with her own friends, just like how she dumped me when she came to Shanghai under the pretence that she'd missed me and wanted to see me!! This time I told her outright I wasn't going to Bali with her.

So don't mean to thread-jack but just to let you know, iLander, that you have my sympathy. I don't always find it easy to say no. I am getting better at it though.

 

[Haven]

ILander--I am as old school polite as they come, but I certainly do not allow others to take advantage of me like this. They are two completely different things, in my opinion. (I use a spare bedroom as a wrapping and stationery room, so really, I am with you on the handwritten notes and hostess gifts, my friend.)

I think your "guests" are the ones who are being rude, and I can't imagine how they can be comfortable taking advantage of you like this. I'm sorry you're dealing with it, and I hope you can feel comfortable that being firm and not allowing others to spend your money for you is in no way impolite.

I never ask for separate checks, myself, but I have no problem grabbing the check, calculating our portion, and contributing only what we owe. If we were with a couple that seemed like they might try to get out of paying for their share I would do just that and then hand the bill with my cash over to them and say "Here's our portion. Please let me know if there isn't enough after you figure out your portion of the bill." I'd say it with a smile, of course.

There's nothing rude about expecting everyone to cover their own expenses. Unless you invited them under the guise of hosting, of course, but that is not the case here.

I say stash away the money you start saving for a new jewelry project!

 

[AmeliaG]

They are with us for every minute because we live in a tourist area and we always figured that taking visitors to see the sights is the polite thing to do.

You're not obligated to act as a full time tour guide to everyone who comes to visit just because you're living in a tourist area. They may think they're being polite accepting your hospitality as tour guide when they'd really rather do some stuff on their own. That doesn't excuse them assuming you'll pick up every check though.

I live in a tourist area and I'll make reservations at a recommended restaurant for visitors the first night so they don't have to scrounge around looking for food when they arrive. I usually offer to meet them for drinks later at the hotel and I take some maps, brochures, etc. and make recommendations of what to see. That's it; and for most people that's more than enough. They usually invite ME to dinner later in the week and they always pay.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Also the person initiating the meal can set the tone by how they ask for the get together:

1) I'd like to take you and your family out for lunch. (implies the person is treating)
2) Do you want to meet up for lunch today? (implies that no one is treating, each paying their own way)

i like #3...thanks for treating.where are we going for dinner?.. (implies that they are paying)

 

[swingirl]

You are picking up the tab too quickly. Next time the check comes pull out your share, put it will the check and pass both to the other couple. Better yet, tell your guests you are busy today and they are on their own for meals and entertainment.

 

[Gypsy]

I gotta say you are a LOT more patient than me. I would have written these people off altogether. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine and I do not go out with anyone that isn't polite and considerate about paying arrangements. I am fortunate that I have friends where we take turns paying, or where we split the check. I have never even HAD to ask for separate checks. It's just a non-issue.

The point of that is... I would just be livid. L.I.V.I.D. Even my houseguests either spring for groceries and cook some of the time, or treat us half the time or all of the above. I do the same when I am a houseguest.

I also cannot IMAGINE doing what these people are doing. I'm sorry this isn't friendship to me. You are not rude, inconsiderate and greedy with friends.

I wouldn't even play around with separate checks and what not. It's about boundaries. Next time you are discussing plans I'd just come right out and say...

"I've noticed that we've treated you the last few days we've all gone out. We aren't interested in going out for meals with you guys again if this is going to be the trend. It's inconsiderate and unfair. I believe in give and take in my friendships. We enjoy your company, but either you guys step up, or we won't be sharing meals with you going forward."

That's it. If they get offended. FINE. Who needs them.



Hubby says he might try the separate check thing, but most likely he'd just not make plans for meals. He's the more diplomatic of the two of us. He's our PR division. I'm enforcement.

 

[Amys Bling]

Your generosity is being taken advantage if and I'm afraid if you don't actively change this now it will only continue.


What I would do? At the beginning of a meal state to the server you need separate checks... Or when the check comes say "do you want to just split it evenly or figure out what we each owe?"

Honestly they probably know you feel weird about this and thus they take advantage of it.

 

[iLander]

So, last night we made them a nice dinner at home, so no check issue.

But this morning, they came over with breakfast. BUT IT WAS ONLY FOR THEMSELVES! OMG! Not a single extra bagel or muffin.

Unbelievable.

They munched on their bagel breakfast sandwiches in front of us. It was all I could do to keep my mouth from hanging open in shock.

No class.

Even DH is just livid, and his attitude was "it's not that much money, don't make a fuss".

Now we will say "Separate checks" loud and proud.

Gotta go, they will be back in a half hour and we'll be showing them around all day again.

 

[wildcat03]

I have to say, I'm shocked that your guests are taking advantage to such an extent, but you really are letting them. I'm single and go out with friends all the time. There is never an expectation that one person in our group will pick up the check. The check comes, we all pass it around and so some math. Everybody throws their cash in, or their credit card with a statement on how much they are paying, "I'll put 30 on my card" and then when everybody's contributed we add it up and make sure we have enough. If no, people add more. If yes, then everybody gets some back (I much prefer when this happens!). I guess we're not embarrassed by this as all of us are resident physicians - so we all have lots of financial obligations (loans) outside of feeding and clothing ourselves. IN addition, we've all experienced what it's like to eat ramen for a couple months, and frankly I'd rather not do that again!

 

[Amys Bling]

So, last night we made them a nice dinner at home, so no check issue.

But this morning, they came over with breakfast. BUT IT WAS ONLY FOR THEMSELVES! OMG! Not a single extra bagel or muffin.

Unbelievable.

They munched on their bagel breakfast sandwiches in front of us. It was all I could do to keep my mouth from hanging open in shock.

No class.

Even DH is just livid, and his attitude was "it's not that much money, don't make a fuss".

Now we will say "Separate checks" loud and proud.

Gotta go, they will be back in a half hour and we'll be showing them around all day again.

Ew!!!! How classless after treating them to meal after meal. DO NOT pay for lunch or snacks during sightseeing!!!!!!!

 

[wannaBMrsH]

iLander, WOW!

That is incredibly rude!

I would definitely try to advise them that tomorrow you and DH are unavailable because you have plans!

or if you are stuck again, say something like, "Why don't we try this cheaper place? We only brought $20 and I know that will cover the food for DH and I. We would hate for you to be stuck with our bill!"

Good Luck and I am so sorry about the rudeness!

 

[Octavia]

I totally agree with Kenny and Tristan - in concept at least. I find it rather difficult IRL to implement though. I find that when we go out in a group, there are likely to be those who count the number of dollars they've spent (as listed on the menu) whilst conveniently not taking service charges and tax into account; so there'll always be those (inclg ourselves and a couple of other people) who would end up bearing the burden of the so-called "excess-charges-we-don't-understand-why" at the end of the meal. So now we tell the waiting staff to to give us separate checks before we even order, but this doesn't always work out!

Ugh, my DH and I have friends like this. We stopped going out to restaurants with them, and will only do bbqs and dinners at people's houses now, because we got so tired of covering their shortfalls. For some reason, a lot of restaurants in our area refuse to do separate checks, which I don't really understand. The other thing we sometimes do to get around paying extra is to leave a bit early and pay our portion before anyone else has a chance to get their hands on the check. Some other friends in our group (not the chronic underpayers) only use cash.

I really can't understand taking advantage of people like your "friends" are, iLander. Even when I was a poor student, I always paid my share when I went put with friends, whether I was visiting people in another city or going out with people who live nearby. The breakfast stunt they pulled is beyond rude, I have never heard of anything like it. I would probably have "something come up" for this evening and/or tomorrow and cut them loose.

ETA: when I saw the title of this thread, I thought they were going to be houseguests clearing out your fridge and pantry...but these people are not guests at all!

 

[AmeliaG]

So, last night we made them a nice dinner at home, so no check issue.

But this morning, they came over with breakfast. BUT IT WAS ONLY FOR THEMSELVES! OMG! Not a single extra bagel or muffin.

Unbelievable.

They munched on their bagel breakfast sandwiches in front of us. It was all I could do to keep my mouth from hanging open in shock.

No class.

Even DH is just livid, and his attitude was "it's not that much money, don't make a fuss".

Now we will say "Separate checks" loud and proud.

Gotta go, they will be back in a half hour and we'll be showing them around all day again.

YOWZA! All I can say is after this, don't deal with them any more. They're unbelievable. And I repeat, you DON"T have to act as resident tour guide to everyone who comes to visit your fair land.

 

[April20]

It blows my mind that they expect you to pay. I've never had this happen! I would tell the waiter when they take your order that you and DH are on a separate check! No way can you be stuck with their bill that way.

Eta.... Just read thru all the posts. Unbelievable! I'd have a hard time not letting them know they behavior and manners are unacceptable.

 

[jewelerman]

iLander,
I hate to be rude or more direct then i should be...but why would you feel it necessary to have these people over for a nice meal after the way they have treated you the last few days?There is no reason for you to be polite or have good manners or even be considerate of people who do not play fair with others!You are a rare treasure in today's world and i would love to number you among my friends! you need to be strong and kick these abusers to the curb!now lets go to an expensive lunch...oh and i lost my wallet so you are gonna have to pay!

 

[movie zombie]

yep, the OP and her husband are underwriting the vacation. you'd be better off just handing them a check and not spending time with them.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

As an etiquette site I am a member of says, etiquette does not dictate being a doormat. Think of the old grand dames - polite as can be but no one would dare push on them. You can have a very polite spine of steel.

Taking visitors around for a day is a nice thing to do but you are not required to do, specially for multiple days. That is the job of a cicerone or tour guide and you are neither. "That will not be possible" is a great phrase and so is a folder with maps, museum pamphlets, a few restaurant cards and useful phone numbers like a local taxi company.

 

[VRBeauty]

Gotta go, they will be back in a half hour and we'll be showing them around all day again.

After all that, you're still spending the day with them???

*sigh*

I hope you'll stick to your guns on the separate check. And I hope it does the trick - as in getting them to see the error of their ways or to look for another chump/benefactor.

eta - OK, that might have been a little harsh. But seriously, you and your husband have allowed these people to walk all over you. Stop it!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

We teach people how to treat us. You and your DH seem like generous people and your guests are USED to you treating for things and spending time with them. Can't really expect them to change. So my question is, what are you getting out of this? There is a reason you are being taken advantage of. Is your codependency being fed? Is it guilt? Is it ego? Is there something else we don't know that creates this dynamic?

 

[swingirl]

Gotta go, they will be back in a half hour and we'll be showing them around all day again.

After all that, you're still spending the day with them???

*sigh*!

My thoughts exactly!

 

[Ara Ann]

Yikes...hope you take charge and resolve this...I give you credit for still showing them around after all that.


I have a reverse situation with my in-laws. DH's brother lives in CA and was just in for a week for a funeral. My in-laws 'treated' him taking him out to dinner every day, etc. and paid for all his meals (he is the obvious favored son, in other ways too). The last day he was in town, we all went out for dinner together, my DH our son and myself, and my in-laws and BIL. So my FIL pays for BIL's meal and not ours. Did I EXPECT him to pay for ours? No, but why, just because BIL is visiting, does he pay for his meals and never pays for one for us? I guess I thought it was weird to pay for one son and not the other. My BIL is wealthy, not hurting for anything, it's not like they had to 'cover' for him... I would never do that to my kids...if my FIL didn't want to pay for ours, that is fine, but then why pay for BIL's? We should have all paid our own bills...but that's just my in-laws for you.

 

[mrscushion]

So, last night we made them a nice dinner at home, so no check issue.
But this morning, they came over with breakfast. BUT IT WAS ONLY FOR THEMSELVES! OMG! Not a single extra bagel or muffin.
Unbelievable.
They munched on their bagel breakfast sandwiches in front of us. It was all I could do to keep my mouth from hanging open in shock.
No class.
Even DH is just livid, and his attitude was "it's not that much money, don't make a fuss".
Now we will say "Separate checks" loud and proud.
Gotta go, they will be back in a half hour and we'll be showing them around all day again.

I'd get rid of these friends pretty quickly. They sound incredibly selfish and I wonder if they'd ever be there for you if you needed them.

 

[iheartscience]

Gotta go, they will be back in a half hour and we'll be showing them around all day again.

After all that, you're still spending the day with them???

*sigh*

I hope you'll stick to your guns on the separate check. And I hope it does the trick - as in getting them to see the error of their ways or to look for another chump/benefactor.

eta - OK, that might have been a little harsh. But seriously, you and your husband have allowed these people to walk all over you. Stop it!

Ditto!

 

[jewelerman]

Ive been thinking all day long in the back of my mind about what could have happened with this situation! Did the friends get kicked to the curb?Did they get yet another free meal?Was there name calling ,crying and screaming when the check was brought after the meal? were the police finally called to the restaurant and were people arrested for disturbing the peace and refusing to pay their bill? what happened?

 

[diamondseeker2006]

jewelerman

 

[Gypsy]

I'm with JM... the suspense is killing me!