Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Getting Guests to Pay For Their Own Meals

jewelerman|1312041022|2980520 said:
iLander,
I hate to be rude or more direct then i should be...but why would you feel it necessary to have these people over for a nice meal after the way they have treated you the last few days?There is no reason for you to be polite or have good manners or even be considerate of people who do not play fair with others!You are a rare treasure in today's world and i would love to number you among my friends! you need to be strong and kick these abusers to the curb!now lets go to an expensive lunch...oh and i lost my wallet so you are gonna have to pay!
Click to expand...

Without being direct as well, I agree with you. I have a friend like you iLander, she is always generous and always gets stepped on by people who take advantage. Most people at this stage would NOT remain friends with these people, let alone have them over for dinner and continue to be their tour guide. Not be rude, but you are bringing this on yourself by continuing to enable their behavior. Full me once, shame on you. Full me twice, shame on me. What are you at now 4 or 5 times in the past two days?
 
jewelerman|1312077951|2980865 said:
Ive been thinking all day long in the back of my mind about what could have happened with this situation! Did the friends get kicked to the curb?Did they get yet another free meal?Was there name calling ,crying and screaming when the check was brought after the meal? were the police finally called to the restaurant and were people arrested for disturbing the peace and refusing to pay their bill? what happened?
Click to expand...

I have to say that I was wondering the same sorts of things! iLander, so curious!!!

I've never had this problem. We are always the first to offer to pay the bill amongst our groups of friends when dining out or having drinks and typically our offer is rejected, so we just pay our portion and we're done with it. OR, someone insists on paying our tab, OR we pay everyone's because we owe them for some favor. When we invite people over we always provide food and drink and people bring hostess gifts and wine/spirits, and we do the same in our circle when we're invited to others' homes. There is an expectation of reciprocity, period. I always send hand-written thank you notes in the mail and I always bring a small gift when we are formally invited to someone's home, and heck, sometimes if it's an impromptu gathering I bring something (chocolates, flowers, etc.) as well. I don't often receive TY's for my gifts but I don't expect them for things like that. But NO ONE we know takes advantage of our generosity, ever.

Maybe people just realize we're young and don't have an abundance of money? Idk. Maybe the people we spend time with just have couth? I'm with everyone else who thinks you need to draw a line in the sand and stick to it, though. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
 
iLander, I'm just throwing this out there. Is this your husband's problem more than your own? He sounds a lot like my father who cannot stand the thought of appearing cheap or stingy. He's very generous with time and money and its important for him to appear that way to others. I was just thinking this because men are conditioned to reach for the check whereas women aren't necessarily. Is your husband usually the one that is reaching for the check first before others have a chance to and then he just pays?

Some habits are hard to break. My father still cannot let a check rest on the table for a long time after the waiter puts it down but at least now he can say, 'How do you all want to handle this?' while he's picking it up. That's the best my mother can expect from him at this point, he's almost 70.
 
We just had friends stay with us for the week at our vacation home (they gave us a gift as soon as they walked in the door). The first day they arrived we took them out for dinner and we paid the bill and they paid the tip (they insisted). The next morning we awoke to the smell of fresh coffee and bagels with cream cheese. We all went out and had lunch (they footed the bill) and dinner we barbecued. This was pretty much the scenario for the rest of the week. They even pulled the sheets off the bed they slept in and put them and their towels in the laundry room and tidied up their room before they left yesterday leaving a thank you note on the table. We have been friends for over 30 years and in a few weeks are spending a few days with them at their lake house. No wonder we have stayed friends with them for so long.
 
jewelerman|1312077951|2980865 said:
Ive been thinking all day long in the back of my mind about what could have happened with this situation! Did the friends get kicked to the curb?Did they get yet another free meal?Was there name calling ,crying and screaming when the check was brought after the meal? were the police finally called to the restaurant and were people arrested for disturbing the peace and refusing to pay their bill? what happened?
Click to expand...


yes, how is this drama playing out in real time?!
 
soocool said:
We just had friends stay with us for the week at our vacation home (they gave us a gift as soon as they walked in the door). The first day they arrived we took them out for dinner and we paid the bill and they paid the tip (they insisted). The next morning we awoke to the smell of fresh coffee and bagels with cream cheese. We all went out and had lunch (they footed the bill) and dinner we barbecued. This was pretty much the scenario for the rest of the week. They even pulled the sheets off the bed they slept in and put them and their towels in the laundry room and tidied up their room before they left yesterday leaving a thank you note on the table. We have been friends for over 30 years and in a few weeks are spending a few days with them at their lake house. No wonder we have stayed friends with them for so long.
Click to expand...

This is how its done in my opinion!Everyone is thinking about the other people and so it all gets done with style and fun! people go home happy and with money left in their pockets!
I'm nervous that we haven't heard from i Lander!!!Hope that she responds and lets us in on what happened! :?
If this were a reality show...i would so be in the front row to watch every episode! ;)
 
JM, you crack me up! But I have to admit that I keep checking this thread for an update, too!

iLander, I hope it went well and you are just finally resting from the week before. If not, we might have to send out a search party!
 
I think ILander hasn't posted yet because she and hubby ended up having dinner with the Moochers but chickened out about asking for for separate checks at the beginning of the meal. Needless to say it wasn't long before the Moochers took advantage of the situation, with Mr. Moocher ordering a deluxe steak with all the fixings and a top flight drink to go with. This finally enraged Mr. Ilander enough that he loudly asked the poor wait person to split the bill AFTER the check arrived... at which point Mr. Moocher looked at his wife, shrugged his shoulders as if to say "I guess this gig is up," and offered to pay THE WHOLE TAB.

At which both Ilander and her hubby fainted dead away.

The Moocher family, being ready to return from whence they came, calmly paid the bill (leaving no tip, of course) and returned to their hotel to prepare for their trip home.

The wait person, miffed at having been stiffed, considered just leaving the Ilanders in slumped in their seats for the clean-up crew.. but called 9-1-1 anyway in the hope of seating one last dinner party and pocketing one last tip.

I'm sure Illander will update us as soon as she and hubby are released from the emergency room.
 
iLander|1312032419|2980468 said:
So, last night we made them a nice dinner at home, so no check issue.

But this morning, they came over with breakfast. BUT IT WAS ONLY FOR THEMSELVES! OMG! Not a single extra bagel or muffin.

Unbelievable.

They munched on their bagel breakfast sandwiches in front of us. It was all I could do to keep my mouth from hanging open in shock. :eek:

No class.

Even DH is just livid, and his attitude was "it's not that much money, don't make a fuss".

Now we will say "Separate checks" loud and proud. :?

Gotta go, they will be back in a half hour and we'll be showing them around all day again. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

That would be the last straw for me. You're a very nice person and you deserve better!

I live in a tourist area too and at this point if I were you I'd tell them not only to stay at a hotel as they are doing, but to feed themselves, and as far as sight seeing, they could take the bus!
 
Oh boy. My favorite scenario! I too wonder if Mr. Ilander is the issue here. My DH is frequently the enabler of his uber-moochy brother, who pulls the "Oh whoops! I forgot my wallet!" thing literally every single time they go for food. Sigh. I am thus the big meanie that snarks at BIL to man up and pay his own way. Now, I just avoid eating with them and feed myself when BIL is in town, because I'll annoy the both of them in their co-dependent bliss :rolleyes: (BIL has been staying with us for weeks at a time this summer on our couch- ask me how much I love *that*- I've been spending loooots of quality time with my sister & my BFF!) So apparently, though this sort of thing never came up with my friends, people like that *do* exist...

Anyway, iLander, I do sympathize but yeah- put on the b!tch panties for a bit and don't just ask for separate checks, enjoy it a little! If you've come to the point where you don't care too much about whether or not you ever see these creeps again, trust me, you *will* enjoy it some. Heh. :devil:

I'd also cut them loose for the remainder of their vacay. Just suddenly become busy. And we want to know how it turned out! :bigsmile:

My favorite BIL moment this week- I come back lugging a ton of groceries, and, rather than, say, helping me carry them or put them away, he says "Did you buy ice cream for me?" No. No I did not. I bought some for *me*. And I ate it sitting on the couch in front of him and enjoyed it very much!
 
Ilander honey ... those aren't friends.
 
I know one thing about me, and I know my sister and husband cringe, but I am very direct with people who don't demonstrate any manners in such situations. I feel that if they don't know, then I should tell them. Believe it or not, there are some people who just don't have a clue.. so I make sure they do. Then, I don't keep all these hostilities bottled up inside and I retain my health and keep my blood pressure nice and low. I would not bother me to say now that we have treated you, it is your turn to treat us or direct the waiter to give them the bill and sit there and do nothing. Fortunately, DH and I do not have friends(if you still call them that) like that.
 
You have THREE options:
1) ask the waiter/waitress for seperate billing
2) take them to McDonalds or Subway (rather than somewhere nice so you're not paying any amount of real money). lol! ;)
3) don't eat at all with them (aka stash a bunch of food in your room - sandwiches - etc., and pretend you're not hungry but sneak in and eat your food) so they have to figure out a way to fend for themselves.

Then if you wanna be really naughty about it, put junk like Ritz crackers and spray cheese in the fridge so they're stuck eating that.

hahaha
 
I would immediately start to say "separate checks" when you go to a restaurant. That is very rude and assumptive of them.
 
I didn't post before because I have just been exhausted!

Let's backtrack to lunch on Saturday; Four friends of theirs met up with us (never met these people before) and I started to worry about lunch and it's bill. But luckily, the restaurant was so full, they had to break us up into 2 groups. Only my family was with me at my table, all of "them" were at another table, and they worked out their own checks. I have no idea how it was worked out, and I didn't care, but at one point one of them leaned across several tables to me and said "Did you know we have to order $5 each just to sit at this table?" I just shrugged. Later that day, she bought herself a $1500 purse, so I am a little mystified.

Then that afternoon, they spontaneously bought a lovely gift for my DD, a $100 perfume that she admired. Dinner rolled around and they offered to take us out, but DH had already started cooking the steaks. We played board games with them until 11:30, when I said maybe it's time to go to bed, and they left.

Next day, they showed up with breakfast (bagels, croissants, coffee). FOR EVERYBODY! And they brought flowers! Yeah! I thought this was very nice, and figured out they must have suddenly seen the light. We took them to an attraction, and let them go in line first, where they paid for their admission (and ours! about $50). Finally! A little equity. They finally left around 2 yesterday.

I had real hope for them until DD revealed that she had said to one of them (early on Saturday afternoon) "Oh, I thought your were taking us to dinner tonight?" in an innocent voice. I guess they saw the light when it was pointed out to them. .

I think DD might be better with this type of thing than me. I am outspoken unless there's a possibility of hurting someone's feelings, or offending someone, then I'm a clam. And I do think my DH is overly generous though. . . He treats people very well and has always been great to everyone in the family. I usually try to reel him in when he gets carried away, so this thread has helped me understand how to handle it.

Thank you to everyone for the great advice! Sorry to leave you hanging, I was surprised to see all the posts (some of which are too funny! :lol: )!
 
I'm so glad that the rest of the week end turned out okay! This whole thing has totally wore me out!I think i may need a little therapy now because i have developed a fear of going to lunch or dinner with out of town acquaintances!
 
HA! High five to your daughter! So glad they finally got a clue! I'm still appalled that it took them this long to figure it out, though!
 
VRBeauty|1312178531|2981465 said:
I think ILander hasn't posted yet because she and hubby ended up having dinner with the Moochers but chickened out about asking for for separate checks at the beginning of the meal. Needless to say it wasn't long before the Moochers took advantage of the situation, with Mr. Moocher ordering a deluxe steak with all the fixings and a top flight drink to go with. This finally enraged Mr. Ilander enough that he loudly asked the poor wait person to split the bill AFTER the check arrived... at which point Mr. Moocher looked at his wife, shrugged his shoulders as if to say "I guess this gig is up," and offered to pay THE WHOLE TAB.

At which both Ilander and her hubby fainted dead away.

The Moocher family, being ready to return from whence they came, calmly paid the bill (leaving no tip, of course) and returned to their hotel to prepare for their trip home.

The wait person, miffed at having been stiffed, considered just leaving the Ilanders in slumped in their seats for the clean-up crew.. but called 9-1-1 anyway in the hope of seating one last dinner party and pocketing one last tip.

I'm sure Illander will update us as soon as she and hubby are released from the emergency room.
Click to expand...
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
I'm finally reading through all the posts, and you guys are such a hoot!

Thank you all for your help, funny comments and righteous indignation!

Hugs all around!! :love:
 
Ah, perfection! I wasn't imagining this nice turn of events, and am glad it ended fairly well.
 
thing2of2|1312243340|2981891 said:
HA! High five to your daughter! So glad they finally got a clue! I'm still appalled that it took them this long to figure it out, though!
Click to expand...


This!
 
Glad it turned out alright! Daughters come in handy sometimes, don't they? :)
 
SO glad it turned out OK in the end. You've raised a great daughter!
 
so, what's the plan for the next set of visitors?
 
iLander-- I know this is an old thread but I have to add my experience with my family!
My mom (passed away in 02) was the oldest of six. She was considerably better well off than her siblings (still middle class however), and they never let my mom forget it--she always ended up paying. However, aside from one of my uncles, all live comfortably and want for little to nothing.

My mom passed away pretty young, and her parents were (and still are) alive. For the last nine years my three siblings and I have continued to go and visit my grandparents, a three hour trip. All of us were in our 20s when our mom passed, so we were in various stages of our schooling and early careers, but it became very obvious that our aunts and uncles expected us to carry on the tradition of paying the whole bill, or at the very least, a majority portion of the bill.

The kicker is that our grandparents are not like this, very proud, in their 80s (now each are 90) and always at the ready to pay-- and we often are going out to eat because we are in town visiting. We know they are on a very tight and fixed income, and the last thing we want is for them to pay--which they will do in a heartbeat. So our aunts and uncles (and their kids) bank on the fact that we don't want to make a hassle out of the bill. If we ask everyone to chip in, they will not cover their share. One of our uncles used to collect the cash for the entire bill and if we gave well more than our's and our grandparent's share this uncle will give the server a 5% tip, probably actually not paying anything or pocketing money from the meal--so we have to check on that and give even more money at the table for the tip!

My favorite was two months after my mom died, we went to a mother's day brunch. My aunt was quick to collect and pay at the counter, we of course gave more than our share, and my aunt claimed that i was her daughter's "mom" (my cousin who is 18 years younger) because mom's eat free!!! So she made money off me on our first mother's day without our mom!!!

My grandparents now do not go to restaurants, so when we come into town we end up ordering food and bringing it to their house. You guessed it, aunts and uncles and cousins are there, no offer of money, eat the food, and take the leftovers home with them!

In this case we reason that we are blessed that our wonderful grandparents are still alive and this is just part of the cost of visiting. It is sad because my grandparents were so proud and gracious--no free ride for them EVER, my mother was like that, and I have no idea where my relatives came from! All of the aunts and uncles live in the same town as my grandparents and we have never been offered a place to stay, so hotel costs on top of it! I have had aunts and cousins come to visit my home and you guessed it, paid for everything. These visits have ceased...

I am glad to hear that your visitors finally came to their senses and found some grace in the 11th hour!
 
Glad to hear it all worked out. Good for your daughter saying something *innocently*
 
erinl|1315863917|3016031 said:
iLander-- I know this is an old thread but I have to add my experience with my family!
My mom (passed away in 02) was the oldest of six. She was considerably better well off than her siblings (still middle class however), and they never let my mom forget it--she always ended up paying. However, aside from one of my uncles, all live comfortably and want for little to nothing.

My mom passed away pretty young, and her parents were (and still are) alive. For the last nine years my three siblings and I have continued to go and visit my grandparents, a three hour trip. All of us were in our 20s when our mom passed, so we were in various stages of our schooling and early careers, but it became very obvious that our aunts and uncles expected us to carry on the tradition of paying the whole bill, or at the very least, a majority portion of the bill.

The kicker is that our grandparents are not like this, very proud, in their 80s (now each are 90) and always at the ready to pay-- and we often are going out to eat because we are in town visiting. We know they are on a very tight and fixed income, and the last thing we want is for them to pay--which they will do in a heartbeat. So our aunts and uncles (and their kids) bank on the fact that we don't want to make a hassle out of the bill. If we ask everyone to chip in, they will not cover their share. One of our uncles used to collect the cash for the entire bill and if we gave well more than our's and our grandparent's share this uncle will give the server a 5% tip, probably actually not paying anything or pocketing money from the meal--so we have to check on that and give even more money at the table for the tip!

My favorite was two months after my mom died, we went to a mother's day brunch. My aunt was quick to collect and pay at the counter, we of course gave more than our share, and my aunt claimed that i was her daughter's "mom" (my cousin who is 18 years younger) because mom's eat free!!! So she made money off me on our first mother's day without our mom!!!

My grandparents now do not go to restaurants, so when we come into town we end up ordering food and bringing it to their house. You guessed it, aunts and uncles and cousins are there, no offer of money, eat the food, and take the leftovers home with them!

In this case we reason that we are blessed that our wonderful grandparents are still alive and this is just part of the cost of visiting. It is sad because my grandparents were so proud and gracious--no free ride for them EVER, my mother was like that, and I have no idea where my relatives came from! All of the aunts and uncles live in the same town as my grandparents and we have never been offered a place to stay, so hotel costs on top of it! I have had aunts and cousins come to visit my home and you guessed it, paid for everything. These visits have ceased...

I am glad to hear that your visitors finally came to their senses and found some grace in the 11th hour!
Click to expand...

Erinl, I am so sorry you have to deal with relatives who take such advantage and so sorry for the loss of your mom. There is such a thing as karma and they will get what they deserve one day. In the meantime you and your siblings have done the right thing by your grandparents and can sleep well at night knowing that. Big hugs to you!
 
Erin - this is about the worst I've heard in terms of tasteless behavior from family. I can't believe it!
 
If you help someone out when they are in trouble... you'll be the first person on their mind the next time they are in trouble again.

I only give when it isn't expected, or when I really want to just because. It saves me from doing anything that I don't want to, and rarely leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I prefer to do freely, and to not harbour resentment in my heart.

I'm glad your folks raised you better, and I'm sorry some members of your family never got in line when the angles handed out fairness and decent behavior at the maternity wards.
 
iLander, had to add my high-five on your daughter's handling of Mr. & Mrs. Mooch. Great girl!

They sure went whole hog in the other direction once pointed that way. I can see them looking at each other in bewilderment & saying, "You think they didn't ENJOY picking up all those bills? Well, I'll be damned!" Hope it's a nice loooong time between visits -- we PSers can't take frequent ones! :wavey:

--- Laurie
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Jewelry Blog
PriceScope-Concierge-Ad
Find prime cuts.
Top