incmisirlou
Rough_Rock
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getting lapped?
- Thread starter incmisirlou
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It does suck and it made me upset when it happened to me, but not everyone is on the same time line. Literally that it could ONLY be avoided is if everyone dated for 2 years, got married a year later, bought a house within a year, had children 2 years later, etc.
Everything in life - promotions at work, house buying, length of dating, age at marriage, when raises happen at work, having children - is on an individual's/couple's time line. Everyone gets "lapped" at some point. You can only worry about your own time-line and your reaction when you feel disappointment because you're being lapped.
Everything in life - promotions at work, house buying, length of dating, age at marriage, when raises happen at work, having children - is on an individual's/couple's time line. Everyone gets "lapped" at some point. You can only worry about your own time-line and your reaction when you feel disappointment because you're being lapped.
bee*
Super_Ideal_Rock
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I felt fine for years. I only felt ready to get engaged when I was with D about 7 years as we met when we were so young (17) and things like college and traveling were much more important to us then. Once I felt ready, it only hit me hard once when another couple that were dating less than us got engaged and to be honest, I don''t even think it was the fact that they were dating for less time, it was just that I so wanted us to do it and this couple were doing what I wanted to do. It still wouldn''t have been the right time for D and I to get engaged as we wanted to have more savings etc before we did it, but it still hurt like hell. There wasn''t much that I could do though-they were friends and so I immersed myself in their planning and helped when required, asked the bride to be questions and let her talk about it till she was blue in the face, and now that I''m engaged, she''s doing the same for me.
I just find it funny, well maybe not funny, but different, but on an irish wedding site that I go on, nearly 90% of the people that are on that got engaged after 7/8/9 years of dating. Irish men are obviously just a lot slower at taking action!
I know it sounds generic and it''s probably not what you want to hear, but your engagement will come and when it does it will be great and you''ll have a ball and in the meantime have a great time with your bf, go on mini-breaks and get away from it all, if you can. The time when D and I have the most fun is when we''re travelling.
I just find it funny, well maybe not funny, but different, but on an irish wedding site that I go on, nearly 90% of the people that are on that got engaged after 7/8/9 years of dating. Irish men are obviously just a lot slower at taking action!
I know it sounds generic and it''s probably not what you want to hear, but your engagement will come and when it does it will be great and you''ll have a ball and in the meantime have a great time with your bf, go on mini-breaks and get away from it all, if you can. The time when D and I have the most fun is when we''re travelling.
It used to irk me a little... until the woman that "lapped" me (6 months against our 2 years-at the time) called off her wedding after being engaged 1.5 years and not setting a date
That helped to reinforce the fact that a faster-moving relationship does not mean a better or more meaningful one. They certainly didn''t love each other "more," hence the breakup!
That helped to reinforce the fact that a faster-moving relationship does not mean a better or more meaningful one. They certainly didn''t love each other "more," hence the breakup!
~*Snow*~
Shiny_Rock
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i''ve been "lapped" by 3 friends/couples... FF and i have been togeth 5years and are super happy but it still bugs me alittle bit. We just sit back and laugh when friends get engaged, because we know when we finnaly get married it won''t be a "starter marriage" and we won''t end up divorcedin two years..
1) first couple who lapped us knew eachtoerh for 4 months! That''s it! from "hello my name is" to "will you marry me"! They''ve been engaged a year and half so far so i guess they figured they bette not rush it.. but still!
2) the other couple was the same way, 8 months from the time they meet till they got engaged and they wanted to get married 4 months later, but all the venues were booked, so they had to wait till summer 2008....
It may sound mean, but i won''t be surprised if none of them last 5 years...
1) first couple who lapped us knew eachtoerh for 4 months! That''s it! from "hello my name is" to "will you marry me"! They''ve been engaged a year and half so far so i guess they figured they bette not rush it.. but still!
2) the other couple was the same way, 8 months from the time they meet till they got engaged and they wanted to get married 4 months later, but all the venues were booked, so they had to wait till summer 2008....
It may sound mean, but i won''t be surprised if none of them last 5 years...
bubbly1126
Brilliant_Rock
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Pandora II
Ideal_Rock
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I'm not sure it ever really bothered me.
FBIL and his wife started dating Nov 04 after us, got engaged June 06 and got married Sept 07.
FI and I started dating Aug 04, moved in together Jan 05, engaged Dec 06 and getting married July 08.
FBIL and his wife have been living in different countries since they met, seeing each other for a few days every month or so. They have gone off on an 8 week honeymoon and it will be the longest time they have ever spent together. So I could have felt bad that not only had they been together less time - but they also don't know each other as well.
As it happens, I was thrilled for them as I know how hard LD can be.
Most of my friends are starting to get engaged about now - we are all early to mid 30's, and 8 of us have got engaged in the last 12 months.
I was bothered when some of them got engaged before me, but that was because FI had said he didn't agree or believe in marriage. So it was more my feelings towards my future, rather than feeling jealous/upset at them.
Time together is not important, it's being in the right place at the same time.
My parents got engaged after 2 weeks (my mother was 21 and my father 32 (and dating 3 other girls at the same time till he met my mother!
)), married 5 months later and celebrated 36 years together in July. They are still like a pair of lovesick teenagers.
FBIL and his wife started dating Nov 04 after us, got engaged June 06 and got married Sept 07.
FI and I started dating Aug 04, moved in together Jan 05, engaged Dec 06 and getting married July 08.
FBIL and his wife have been living in different countries since they met, seeing each other for a few days every month or so. They have gone off on an 8 week honeymoon and it will be the longest time they have ever spent together. So I could have felt bad that not only had they been together less time - but they also don't know each other as well.
As it happens, I was thrilled for them as I know how hard LD can be.
Most of my friends are starting to get engaged about now - we are all early to mid 30's, and 8 of us have got engaged in the last 12 months.
I was bothered when some of them got engaged before me, but that was because FI had said he didn't agree or believe in marriage. So it was more my feelings towards my future, rather than feeling jealous/upset at them.
Time together is not important, it's being in the right place at the same time.
My parents got engaged after 2 weeks (my mother was 21 and my father 32 (and dating 3 other girls at the same time till he met my mother!
~*Snow*~
Shiny_Rock
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Tuesday
Rough_Rock
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It's something I think about now and then, only in my case it's in regard to my own parents. Out of all my friends, I was usually the only one whose parents were still together. They were married only 4 months after they met. My mom was 32 at the time. They've been married over 30 years now.
I'm at the 3.5 year mark with my boyfriend, and it just seems so weird to not be engaged. I've always been the kind of person to know very quickly what I want and then go after it. This isn't really something that's under my control though, so it's been very frustrating. It's important to me that he propose on his own time and that he be ready; otherwise, if it had been up to me we would have been engaged and married within the first year :g:
I'm at the 3.5 year mark with my boyfriend, and it just seems so weird to not be engaged. I've always been the kind of person to know very quickly what I want and then go after it. This isn't really something that's under my control though, so it's been very frustrating. It's important to me that he propose on his own time and that he be ready; otherwise, if it had been up to me we would have been engaged and married within the first year :g:
I''m in my final year of grad school, and there are people in my class year who have gotten divorced and remarried (to fellow students) and now expecting kids, since we''ve begun the program. My BF and I were hanging out with these people when they were married to their first spouses, so I definitely feel ''lapped''! Either that, or my schooling has been going on a long time. My parents dated for four years before they were engaged, then were engaged for a year before marriage. Looks like I''m following that same path!
kellybelly
Shiny_Rock
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it looks like i''m going to be the one doing the lapping of some other folks i know. BF and i went on our first date February 2006 and will likely be engaged before this christmas, so that''s pretty quick. i work with a girl who has been with her guy for about 3 or 4 years now, has seen another girl in our office get engaged after about 1.5 years of dating. i think when i finally get engaged and she realizes it''s been less time for us, her head might blow up. clearly, the lapping bothers her.
Deelight
Ideal_Rock
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All my non single friends are engaged (last one got engaged late October) I am the last one not to be but have been dating my BF the longest (since I was 18 so 9.5 years). In that time though I have grown alongside him been through thick and thin and love him more and more each day and without a doubt know when we take our vows it will be forever. I know he loves me and I love him after all this time he still looks at me like I am the most wondrous thing in the whole world.
Being lapped without a doubt has bothered me in the past as much as you are happy for the person getting engaged you wish it were you
. In saying that though it has become easier of late as we could already be engaged but I decided to delay it because I want my dream proposal and ring and I am willing to wait just a little longer. If I said to him tomorrow to go buy a ring and propose to me he would but I am trying to be patient.
ETA: Though if one person IRL dares to say to me when it does happen: Well it is about time, they will want to run fast
. Each to their own in their own time
Being lapped without a doubt has bothered me in the past as much as you are happy for the person getting engaged you wish it were you
ETA: Though if one person IRL dares to say to me when it does happen: Well it is about time, they will want to run fast
Keepingthefaith21
Brilliant_Rock
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Getting lapped does not bother me. People are going to do their own thing be it in 4 months or 4 years. However, what DOES bother me is when I’ve been “lapped” and it’s thrown in my face by the person who’s gotten engaged and everything suddenly becomes a competition. I have one friend who has been competing with my SO and I ever since he got engaged to his GF (4 months after they met) and it’s done nothing but make me lose respect for him and have zero interest in being friends with him. It has nothing to do with the fact that he lapped me, it has everything to do with the way he’s started to treat my SO and I since he did. Some people change once they become engaged and it isn’t always a pretty change. I’ve learned that over the years!
I figure each year I get older, I’ll see relationships move a little faster because people are more settled and have a better idea of who they are and what they want out of life. In the meantime, I remind myself that my relationship with my SO is NOT a race. There are no laps per se. Our turn will come. I’m also a stubborn Irish gal dating an equally as stubborn slowpoke Irish guy…so we’ll see if bee*’s theory about the speed of Irish men proves correct
I figure each year I get older, I’ll see relationships move a little faster because people are more settled and have a better idea of who they are and what they want out of life. In the meantime, I remind myself that my relationship with my SO is NOT a race. There are no laps per se. Our turn will come. I’m also a stubborn Irish gal dating an equally as stubborn slowpoke Irish guy…so we’ll see if bee*’s theory about the speed of Irish men proves correct
mimzy
Brilliant_Rock
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i hate that terminology, getting "lapped". it''s hard enough to fight off the "race" mentality as it is! that being said, it has depended on the couple. we''ve been lapped by at least five couples and are about to be lapped by another. i guess the only reason it bothers me it bothers me is because i get the glances of pity that scream "poor you, your boyfriend isn''t ready to commit/mature enough/in love with you enough to jump at the chance to get engaged like mine did". it wouldn''t be so bad if i knew it wasn''t true...but it is.....so it sucks, bigtime.
Pandora II
Ideal_Rock
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I so get you on this point.
I was looking through some old posts on another forum that I wrote about a year and a half ago, when I had the situation where my FI and I knew we were in a permanent relationship, I wanted to get married and he didn't see why we needed a piece of paper, a big party and a legal contract to show that we loved each other and wanted to spend our lives together.
I had explained how I hated getting the pitying looks and comments from friends - and more so from relatives - because I didn't have a ring on my finger at 34, and they obviously all thought I was deluding myself that my relationship was so good.
Lo and behold, there were no less than 6 comments from people saying I needed to face the fact that he probably just 'wasn't that into you', or that he was a commitment phobic or that if a man really wanted to get married nothing would stop him and that I shouldn't want to get married because of my age but because I'd met the right person...
It just made my blood boil having to explain that my age wasn't an issue, that he would hardly have sold me half his house if he wasn't looking to make it permanent, or spend all his spare time with me even though we live together blah blah blah.
That was what made me so unhappy about not being engaged - people doubting the quality of my relationship when there were no red flags, and having to constantly defend it. I tried explaining it to FI, but I honestly think it's only women that get all this grief from society. He just couldn't understand why I cared what other people thought.
decodelighted
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Are you sure those glances don't scream 'oh no ... i hope she isn't upset ... she's been waiting longer ... i'm feeling a bit guilty now ... its ruining this purely lovely feeling ... why do i have to worry about everyone else instead of just enjoying my own happiness!"
Wait 'til you're in HER shoes & then you'll know the answer!
Miscka
Brilliant_Rock
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Keepingthefaith21
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mimzy
Brilliant_Rock
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Miscka, i hate it too! and yes, it sounds harsh, but it is 100% true. in my case it''s reason B that we aren''t engaged yet. my FF is having a seriously hard time getting himself ready to get engaged (i.e. mature enough). We could have been engaged 8 or 9 months ago if he didn''t have a serious peter pan complex. and it''s because of that complex that he didn''t "jump at the chance", you know what i mean? so it''s sad, but true!
deco, you''re probably right...but the glances never come when they announce their engagement, as i don''t think i''ve ever been around when that has happened, so it''s not like i''m raining on anyones parade with my ''woe is me'' looks, ya know?. it''s always after, when it''s small talk and the timespan that we''ve been dating comes up. it''s THEN that i get those glances,as they shift nervously, looking at their ring. The words "almost three years" come out of my mouth and immediately i get an "awwwohh" response. the other times it''s outright smugness! but either way i''m just not indignant enough to even pretend that i don''t care or it doesn''t bother me.
mimzy
Brilliant_Rock
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nope, you're correct! but my BF isn't "jumping at the chance". the chance arrived gracefully 8 or 9 months ago, knocked politely a few times, and then set up camp at his doorstep,ringing the doorbell every few hours. (note: chance not equal to my desires/pestering to get engaged).
I'm talking about him not being one of those guys that CAN'T WAIT to get engaged. as in, one of the guys that does all the research beforehand, asks her parents, buys the ring as soon as the money is there and proposes a week later. My situation could probably reign in a few "he's just not that into you" comments too, but i know it's just because he isn't ready. there's nothing else holding him back, no other excuses for it not happening (i.e. he's out of school, has the money, we've been dating a log time,he's not a commitmentphobe, etc). It sounds a lot better saying "we're waiting till we're out of school" than "we're waiting for him to be ready", you know what i mean?
Everyone who''s "lapped" me has been in different places in thier lives or older so it''s more of a "we''re ready to get married" than "our boyfriends think of us a queens'' of their wolrd & love us more than you!!!".
I just graduated university this summer. My friends have always asked me "when are you moving in together?" when are getting married?" but I just laughed at them; I knew that we would wait awhile for everything to fall into place. He wanted to get married earlier than I did. It has balanced out.
A friend of a friend told me that it "took him long enough" when I said that we had been dating for 3 years when he proposed. So, now there''s a limit on how long you can date before you marry? We both knew that we would get married and we treated the relationship as such.
I just graduated university this summer. My friends have always asked me "when are you moving in together?" when are getting married?" but I just laughed at them; I knew that we would wait awhile for everything to fall into place. He wanted to get married earlier than I did. It has balanced out.
A friend of a friend told me that it "took him long enough" when I said that we had been dating for 3 years when he proposed. So, now there''s a limit on how long you can date before you marry? We both knew that we would get married and we treated the relationship as such.
TravelingGal
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Hm, interesting point.
I think often it would stink to get "lapped" because there ARE some seriously smug women out there. And then there are some women who aren''t normally smug, but feel "luckier", which to the LIW can translate into smug. Sometimes it''s intent. Sometimes it really is just perception.
I''ve felt the way Deco mentioned when it came to getting pregnant since I have a newer friend (within the last 2 years) who has been trying for the last 5 years. I felt awful telling her. Yes, I felt bad for her, but I felt worse that I was pregnant and she wasn''t. I felt really really guilty. She''s an amazing woman and is so supportive...I really hoped she wouldn''t take it as downright pity and wondering what the heck was wrong with them when we had it so easy.
But I will admit, I DO feel lucky that we had it so easy, and it takes a lot of effort to make sure that doesn''t translate into smug. It makes it worse when people give your body credit for something that''s just in the end, timing and luck (things like calling me "Fertile Myrtle" and saying TGuy has "super sperm." Makes me think that she and her hubby may perceive it that they have lame sperm, or something. In other words, thinking something is "wrong" with them.)
Sometimes it is uncomfortable being on either end of the stick.
Tuesday
Rough_Rock
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I''ve had almost this exact same experience. Some married coworkers were sharing stories about their engagements, weddings, and honeymoons. One of them had a particularly saccharine and romantic story to tell about how her then-BF proposed (nevermind the details, just know that it involved a dozen strangers bringing her a single red rose followed by a very public proposal with a giant shiny ring). It was pretty hard to sit and listen to all this, and when they tried to include me in the conversation someone casually inquired how long I''d been dating my BF. "Oh, just over three years now."
I got the look, that "Oh you poor thing! (snerk)" look. Along with the smug look, she also said, "Wow, that''s longer than I''ve been with my husband!" There was a little bit of a nervous laugh along with it when the realization hit, though.
A few months later her husband walked out on her out of the clear blue, with no sign or reason. Thinking about it now, I''m not sure I feel quite as bad about being "lapped" as I used to. There''s no guarantee about anything in life, but I feel pretty good knowing that my BF and I spent plenty of time getting to know each other and making absolutely sure we are ready before we jump into marriage.
It''s hard to remember sometimes, but it''s not a race. We each get the prize of a fulfilling relationship regardless of whether or how long it takes us to get to the altar.
TravelingGal
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Funny...when I read the highlighted part, I was thinking, "maybe she''s thinking she doesn''t really know her man all that well enough to have married him". You never know what people are thinking, you know? And it would make sense if she did think that way based on the revelation in your next paragraph...
OK, I know most people aren''t that deep, but who knows...maybe.............
Tuesday
Rough_Rock
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mimzy
Brilliant_Rock
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This is me. When I hear that someone else has been dating for a while I get embarrassed that I asked and then try to recover with my poker face and them go into this really weird did-i-just-make-it-uncomfortable-when-i-was-trying-to be-cool face. It''s just all downhill from there. But somehow I can''t seem to stop myself from asking the original question. I think I''m too curious about relationships for my own good, ask questions, and then can''t recover.
iwannaprettyone
Ideal_Rock
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MoonWater
Ideal_Rock
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Ok, I can''t believe she made that comment. And is it a trend to get married a year into a relationship or what have you? I know it should be an individual thing, but it seems like a lot of women out there are simply desperate to get married in general. A lot of them don''t put the thought into what it really means to be married. It''s not all pretty dresses, pretty rings, and a fancy party. At the end of that, you have two people.
Pandora II
Ideal_Rock
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I think it''s more normal in the UK to get married in your late 20''s, early 30''s so there''s never any pressure if you aren''t engaged earlier - in fact you are likely to get very odd looks from people if you are!
But, once you get over 30 and have what to all intents and purposes looks like a married life - then the questions and comments start.
I''ve never had a single bad experience with a friend who has been engaged before me. I was a bit sad for myself when my friend K got engaged as we had been sitting in the pub 6 weeks earlier both depressed as neither of us was engaged and we wanted to get on with our lives, have kids etc and our wretched boyfriends were being useless. I gave her some PS advice and lent her the ''Why some women get married and other''s don''t book'' and it worked like a charm. But I was really happy for her - little did I know that FI was in mid-planning stage at that point.
That said, if I think how I reacted when I got engaged - I was just really happy for me, I don''t think I made any smug or bad comments to anyone (4 of our friends got engaged the same week anyway!), but maybe someone took it badly.
Sometimes I think it is easy to think people think bad things when they are actually more interested in what they are up to. If they say unkind comments that is a different matter though.
The only person who took my engagement really, really badly was my brother''s gf which I thought was a bit odd as she is much younger, not in a similar situation (ie no ducks in rows) and had only been together a year. She was at my parents for xmas - who of course were celebrating it in a big way as they knew all my frustrations and worries about it ever happening!
My brother is in the middle of buying her ring at the moment - the thing I feel a bit bad about is that none of my sisters or I particularly like her, and my father is totally furious with my brother. He still has loans from college outstanding, owes my mother loads from when she has bailed him out, doesn''t own a house yet (he''s 30) and is financing the ring. My dad is quite old fashioned and doesn''t think a man has the right to ask a woman to be his wife if he''s not solvent. I have a feeling their engagement won''t be that big a celebration...
But, once you get over 30 and have what to all intents and purposes looks like a married life - then the questions and comments start.
I''ve never had a single bad experience with a friend who has been engaged before me. I was a bit sad for myself when my friend K got engaged as we had been sitting in the pub 6 weeks earlier both depressed as neither of us was engaged and we wanted to get on with our lives, have kids etc and our wretched boyfriends were being useless. I gave her some PS advice and lent her the ''Why some women get married and other''s don''t book'' and it worked like a charm. But I was really happy for her - little did I know that FI was in mid-planning stage at that point.
That said, if I think how I reacted when I got engaged - I was just really happy for me, I don''t think I made any smug or bad comments to anyone (4 of our friends got engaged the same week anyway!), but maybe someone took it badly.
The only person who took my engagement really, really badly was my brother''s gf which I thought was a bit odd as she is much younger, not in a similar situation (ie no ducks in rows) and had only been together a year. She was at my parents for xmas - who of course were celebrating it in a big way as they knew all my frustrations and worries about it ever happening!
My brother is in the middle of buying her ring at the moment - the thing I feel a bit bad about is that none of my sisters or I particularly like her, and my father is totally furious with my brother. He still has loans from college outstanding, owes my mother loads from when she has bailed him out, doesn''t own a house yet (he''s 30) and is financing the ring. My dad is quite old fashioned and doesn''t think a man has the right to ask a woman to be his wife if he''s not solvent. I have a feeling their engagement won''t be that big a celebration...
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