Getting taken advantage of for "free" babysitting

[yssie]

Oh happy birthday!!!




Ditto calling. It''s much too easy to ''misplace'' a note, or for it to blow away in the wind. Calling is much more proactive and hard to ignore - and you need something that''s hard to ignore, since clearly these women have no issue ignoring common courtesies!

 

[sparklyheart]

So, instead of letting their kids cut into their own work day, the parents are making them cut into your work day.. How nice of them.

I think talking to them (face to face or on the phone) would be better than a note. Even though you aren''t friends with them, a note could be awkward.. What if they don''t say anything after you give them the note? At least when you talk to them they get the chance to apologize and make things right in the neighborhood. If they are lame enough to drop their children off with no notice/approval then they probably would not make the effort to come apologize after getting a note. I know that may sound like a lot of work but if your kids are friends with their kids, it could have far-reaching consequences for the kids as far as friendships go if you just drop a note and run. Surely if you explain that you have your own family to get ready and then your own work to do, they will understand and back off.. Good luck.. and Happy Birthday!!!

 

[zoebartlett]

I''d choose to say something to them (either by meeting your neighbors at the door or in the driveway when they drop by, or by calling them). I think writing a note seems a little passive aggressive, but that''s just my opinion.

 

[Kaleigh]

A note is not the way to go, they can always say they didn''t get it. Phone or face to face is best. I opt for the phone...

 

[missy]

Wow, I cannot believe this situation. The nerve of these women!!

I''m so sorry you are dealing with this ridiculous situation Girlrocks.
I would absolutely call them up and tell them you will no longer be able to take their kids before school and I would offer NO explanation. Where were these people raised?! Who behaves like this? I am beyond furious for you. With their rude and uncivilized behavior (leaving their kid on the doorstep to ring the bell because you didn''t answer the phone...are you kidding me

)they do not deserve any sort of explanation for why you are now unable to watch any of their kids ever again. No exceptions. Because with neighbors like these they will pounce at any opportunity to take advantage. Don''t give it to them. These are just the sort of people who would not be there for you if you needed them. So don''t think they would.



Happy Birthday Girlrocks and I hope your dog is OK!!!

 

[iota15]

Happy Birthday!

This happened this morning? You need to address this issue tonight.

Do NOT give them the, "it''s okay in the case of an emergency" because EVERYTHING WILL BECOME AN EMERGENCY. They''ve obviously become too self-absorbed to see they are impeding on your time and your good graces. They are only thinking of themselves and will continue to.

Now is the time to set down the polite, but firm ground rules. Tell them you simply cannot do this anymore because of X, Y and Z, and this morning made you realize this is unsustainable. Also tell them you also don''t like the fact your children are opening the door while you are in the shower in the morning, and your children know not to do that anymore.

Do NOT give them the "emergency outlet". I know you might feel a great urge to say that, when you are in front of them. But try this in your head... before you say it, just pause and count to three. Let the silence fill the room. Let the other parents use this time to apologize. Someone will fill in the empty space. Don''t let it be you because you will be tempted to give them an outlet, which they will DEFINITELY abuse.

If there is an emergency on their part, let them later call to beg.

With routinely drop-off mother, tell her you can only take her daughter for ten minutes on Mondays only, if you want to at all anymore (I wouldn''t). But say, I''m sorry but if there''s an emergency or you need more time, you''ll need to make alternative arrangements. The precious time I have in the morning is mommy and kids time, and I want to preserve that.

Wish them a good night with a smile! (and walk out/hang up).

 

[Mara]

but i love donuts..!!!

sorry i have nothing worthwhile to add but it made me laugh that someone just dropped their kid off with donuts. here take care of my kid AND eat thousands of calories while you are at it. THANKS.

ditto the others re: letting them know you can''t watch their kids and yours too.

or deco''s idea of the bouncy house is great.

 

[iota15]

By the way, at what point can a child stay at home for 10 minutes before walking herself to the bus? When she's in the fifth grade? Sixth grade? Is this the norm now?

I don't want to sound like I walked uphill both ways in the snow - but I walked myself to and from school by the time I started grade 3. This wasn't all that long ago.

By fourth grade, at 8 or 9 years old, I would think your child knows the safety routines enough to handle a whole ten to fifteen minutes by themselves. (Don't open the door, don't start a fire, keep an eye out for strangers, dial 911, etc.) I'd be a little more concerned if the child couldn't handle 10 minutes at that age. No?

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/14/2010 3:24:53 PM
Author: VRBeauty
I''d call each neighbor (or send then a note if you prefer) and simply state that you have decided that you will no longer be watching other children or allowing them to wait in your house for the bus each morning. Period. You don''t owe them an explanation. They are in the position of asking you to do something for them that you have no obligation to take on. Under these circumstances, ''no'' is a complete sentence.

However, if there is the possibility that you''d someday need these neigbors to help watch your kids in the morning, you could take the ''clear rules/guidelines'' approach. ''I can''t watch them in the mornings on a regular basis, but I''d be happy to help out occasionally in a a real emergency.''

If you feel compelled to offer an explanation, make it something generic, like it''s too hectic, or that is our time to make sure my children are ready for the school day. Citing specific situations just leaves the moochers an opening to look for exceptions.

Good luck!

I like this advice. These people are completely out of line, I can''t believe it''s gotten this far!

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/14/2010 2:30:51 PM
Author: TooPatient
A woodworking store in our area has a great sign with a picture of a child & puppy:

Any child left unattended will be given espresso and a puppy.

The Egg Harbor Cafe in my childhood town has a great wooden sign up that says this! (It actually says "All unattended children will be given shots of espresso and a free puppy." I love it.)

Every time we go there my mom says "We need to get one of these for Haven." Haha!

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/14/2010 2:36:29 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
I''m sorry these people are taking advantage of you!


Three options:

1. Do nothing and be resentful in order to avoid conflict.

2. Start charging a large fee for babysitting, $15 per 15 minutes per day You''ll either see a decline in the amount of time and kids or an increase in the weight of your purse!

3. Every time someone calls, answer the phone and tell them NO. Don''t give an excuse like taking a dog to the vet because that leaves room for a next time. Simply say, ''I''m sorry but I won''t be able to do that. Good luck finding somebody!'' Then they are screwed, and will make arrangements ahead of time next time instead of last minute arrangements. If someone drops their kids off at your place without calling, call that parent that day and tell them it is inappropriate and not to be done in the future.

I like these ideas (except number 1 of course -that will only make you crazy)

 

[Indylady]

Happy Birthday Girlrocks!

I really liked VRBeauty''s advice. I''d also call. Just because you are a SAHM doesn''t mean you''re the SAHM for the block. My mom was a SAHM, and I saw a lot of this growing up. I don''t want you to burn bridges with your neighbors and your kid''s friends, but this behavior is seriously unfair.

One of our neighbors, we''ll call her neighbor 1, would babysit occasionally for neighbor 2. She didn''t mind at all, and would plan out a little activity and make a special snack. One day, she gets a call that neighbor 2 needs a sitter because they have an important errand to run. The child comes over, and spills that her parents are on a movie date...

 

[kenny]

I don''t have kids or much experience with them.

What happens when you give one espresso and a puppy?

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Their parents'' heads implode.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Girlrocks, I am sooo sorry this happened to you and on your birthday! There are a lot of really nervy people out there. I can tell you this has happened to me
over and over in the 27 years I have raised kids. Just this year a mom (whom I didn''t know, or ever even met) called on the phone looking for a ride home
for her daughter. I am a SAHM, but was raised by a single mom, so I said sure. After all, I was picking up my son and bringing him home. The girl was a rude,
moody 13 year old nightmare! I then found out that she had a lazy new husband who simply didn''t want to go get his wife''s daughter. On one day when my
husband brought the kids home, the husband DEMANDED that my husband drive him to pick up his car at a repair shop about 5 miles away! My husband graciously
did it and didn''t even get a thank you.

A month into the school year we decided to send my son to after school tutoring, so then I had to go back to the school and pick the girl up after tutoring. In Feb,
I would get last minute phone calls cancelling, or I would go to school and would be told she was going home with someone else. By the end of the month, I
sent her a text (chicken I know) and said I wouldn''t be able to do it anymore. I couldn''t make any plans because I had to bring her home, and then they would
cancel. This was a total freebie, and I felt so taken advantage of. She was furious and rude as well.

Years ago, I probably would have just done it till the end of the year, but now I am not willing too.

I vote for telling all those moms no. You have other things to do as well, and your time is valuable.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

Date: 4/14/2010 10:20:36 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 4/14/2010 2:30:51 PM

Author: TooPatient

A woodworking store in our area has a great sign with a picture of a child & puppy:


Any child left unattended will be given espresso and a puppy.

The Egg Harbor Cafe in my childhood town has a great wooden sign up that says this! (It actually says 'All unattended children will be given shots of espresso and a free puppy.' I love it.)


Every time we go there my mom says 'We need to get one of these for Haven.' Haha!

Threadjack- what is your hometown??? That sounds sooo familiar.

Also you should definitely talk to them face to face so they HEAR you. People don't seem to understand notes or texts or emails. I totally feel you on this one, I get taken advantage of all the time with babysitting.

 

[sba771]

Oh my I missed it was your birthday- Happy Birthday! I also want to say I am so sorry about your dog, I cannot imagine the additional stress. Is also agree with PP when they say don''t let the neighbors know you would be available in case of an emergency. I know saying no is hard but you will feel so much better once you do. Good luck!

 

[HVVS]

Date: 4/14/2010 7:53:05 PM
Author: Mara
but i love donuts..!!!


sorry i have nothing worthwhile to add but it made me laugh that someone just dropped their kid off with donuts. here take care of my kid AND eat thousands of calories while you are at it. THANKS.
...

That''s what I thought, too, lol. Then I thought, maybe that was that poor kid''s breakfast.

Some people just do not get the message that becoming a parent = personal responsibility = do your own job. Sorry you have such idiot neighbors, GirlRocks.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I'm in the school of thought that one can't be taken advantage of unless they allow it. If you want it to stop, you need to put an end to it. Don't beat around the bush, don't worry about hurt feelings. Call the parents up and tell them no way, find someone else. Yes they might be upset or angry with you; however, they're already pushing you away with their behavior so does it really matter?

ETA: After speaking with the mother, I would also lock your door in the morning and tell your kids not to open it for anyone. That should send a strong message to back up the conversation you've already had with them.

 

[karpouzi]

Do not offer to babysit for money unless you''d be happy with them taking you up on that offer! There is an interesting anecdote that''s referenced a lot in relation to behavioral economics. A day-care center was having problems with people being late to pick up their kids, so they imposed a penalty/late fee if parents were late. Well, it turns out that after they imposed the penalty, MORE parents started coming late! When they imposed the fee, parents started seeing it as a business transaction instead of a social expectation, and they decided the price was worth it.

Your situation is infuriating. What is wrong with people?

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 4/15/2010 10:32:24 AM
Author: karpouzi
Do not offer to babysit for money unless you''d be happy with them taking you up on that offer! There is an interesting anecdote that''s referenced a lot in relation to behavioral economics. A day-care center was having problems with people being late to pick up their kids, so they imposed a penalty/late fee if parents were late. Well, it turns out that after they imposed the penalty, MORE parents started coming late! When they imposed the fee, parents started seeing it as a business transaction instead of a social expectation, and they decided the price was worth it.

Your situation is infuriating. What is wrong with people?

Haha! Thats just like it was growing up in my house!

We got fined 25 cents every time we swore as children. So instead of us not swearing, I''d throw a dollar in the jar when I fought with my brother and give him an earful!

 

[zipzapgirl]

I think you should just tell the neighbors that this is your special family time and you don''t want to have anyone over during this time. They can''t really argue with that. Also, remind them that you are working from home, so you have your own morning responsibilities to get to as you hustle the kids out the door. If they are working, they can''t really argue with that either.

I think you should be ready for the next two weeks to be a testing of these boundaries. So I''d be sure that if the doorbell rang, the kids were told that they cannot open the door and mom will take care of it. As soon as you see the kid outside, come straight outside to the curb and be nice but firm. I''d say nicer to the kid (it''s not their fault and they are friends with your kids) and firmer with the parent. Walk them out to the car or back to their house and say, "you seem to be in a bind, but we already talked about this and I can''t take care of little X in the mornings."

Maybe also suggest that the main neighbors pair up with the third family (donut family?) and trade off mornings. Quid pro quo is so much better for everyone involved.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Date: 4/15/2010 10:32:24 AM
Author: karpouzi
Do not offer to babysit for money unless you'd be happy with them taking you up on that offer! There is an interesting anecdote that's referenced a lot in relation to behavioral economics. A day-care center was having problems with people being late to pick up their kids, so they imposed a penalty/late fee if parents were late. Well, it turns out that after they imposed the penalty, MORE parents started coming late! When they imposed the fee, parents started seeing it as a business transaction instead of a social expectation, and they decided the price was worth it.


Your situation is infuriating. What is wrong with people?

I read this in freakonomics, and thought of it too! That's why I suggested $15/ 15 minutes. That's $60/ hour. If someone paid me that much, then I wouldn't mind them coming over! Plus, they would surely realize that it would be more cost effective to send their child to daycare in the morning. That daycare you are referencing only charged $3, and it didn't matter how late the parent was. I bet if the daycare charged $3/ minute, that story would have ended differently.

 

[Girlrocks]

To answer a few questions...

1. Where we live, the legal age to be home alone is 8. This child is 10. And has a cell phone. She can surely stay alone for 10 minutes in the morning.

2. I am SURE the donuts are her typical breakfast, she is a little heavy and her mother complains about how she just sits around and watches tv all the time, which is the complete opposite of my kids (hello, turn the tv off mom!)

UPDATE...I take my daughter to practice last night and when I get home there is a message from the mom..."Hi, Girl Monday would like to know if your girls can play...can I bring her over?"....seriously???? I''ve had her every flippin morning this week, my girls don''t even like her, and you want to bring her to MY house? Who calls for their 10 year old anyway for a playdate? My girls call and ask themselves. And if my kids call and ask someone to play, it implies that they are INVITING the child to OUR house, not inviting themselves over.

So now I am furious. 5 minutes later, phone rings again, it''s her. Cross my heart, this is how she starts off the conversation "Hi, Girl Monday wanted to know if she could come over to play, and by the way, on Monday she didn''t dump the milk out of her tupperware container when she was finished with her cereal that she brought to your house for breakfast, and carried around the milk all day in her backpack and if it spilled it could have really been a mess, so can you please watch her next time and have her dump the milk out and rinse the container?"

Seriously, fire shooting out of my ears.

So I just took a deep breath and told her that no, she could not come over, and that I was not going to be able to watch her any longer in the mornings. Goodbye.

Haven''t heard from her since.

 

[iheartscience]

Nice work, Girlrocks! I cannot believe the NERVE of that woman! Wow. So do you just have to tell 1 more mom that there will be no drop offs? Or is it 2 more moms?

 

[Girlrocks]

Well, the 2nd and 3rd mom...I have both of their e-mail addresses from our neighborhood directory, so I am going to send them both e-mails stating that I am no longer available for babysitting children in the morning. I am not even going to give them the option of an "emergency". My DH and I do not ever rely on any of these people to watch our kids, nor do I ever plan to, so I am going to be short and to the point.

 

[VegasAngel]

Date: 4/15/2010 1:22:52 PM
Author: Girlrocks
To answer a few questions...

1. Where we live, the legal age to be home alone is 8. This child is 10. And has a cell phone. She can surely stay alone for 10 minutes in the morning.

2. I am SURE the donuts are her typical breakfast, she is a little heavy and her mother complains about how she just sits around and watches tv all the time, which is the complete opposite of my kids (hello, turn the tv off mom!)

UPDATE...I take my daughter to practice last night and when I get home there is a message from the mom...''Hi, Girl Monday would like to know if your girls can play...can I bring her over?''....seriously???? I''ve had her every flippin morning this week, my girls don''t even like her, and you want to bring her to MY house? Who calls for their 10 year old anyway for a playdate? My girls call and ask themselves. And if my kids call and ask someone to play, it implies that they are INVITING the child to OUR house, not inviting themselves over.

So now I am furious. 5 minutes later, phone rings again, it''s her. Cross my heart, this is how she starts off the conversation ''Hi, Girl Monday wanted to know if she could come over to play, and by the way, on Monday she didn''t dump the milk out of her tupperware container when she was finished with her cereal that she brought to your house for breakfast, and carried around the milk all day in her backpack and if it spilled it could have really been a mess, so can you please watch her next time and have her dump the milk out and rinse the container?''

Seriously, fire shooting out of my ears.

So I just took a deep breath and told her that no, she could not come over, and that I was not going to be able to watch her any longer in the mornings. Goodbye.

Haven''t heard from her since.

Good.

What is wrong with people? You must be super nice & quiet for people to think they can use you like that.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Good!! I was hoping for an update, and I''m glad you''ve resolved it so quickly Give us another update in a few weeks to let us know if "no" worked.


I can''t believe that mom called to invite her daughter over... how stupid does she think you are? I wonder if her daughter feels uncomfortable. I would have been mortified if my mother called the mother of a school acquaintence who didn''t even like me to ask for free babysitting in a veiled request for "playing together". Then again, my mother raised me to know that you should extend invitations to others, not invite yourself to their place. In fact, my mom is the SAHM that watched my best friend after school, so she wouldn''t have done this.

 

[Girlrocks]

Actually, I am not really that nice, most people would put me in the "B**** not to be messed with" category. But I think these people are cheap and desperate.

 

[Girlrocks]

The mom has told me that her daughter doesn''t have many friends, and that she is a couch potato, so I think she is pushing the friendship with my girls because they are the complete oposite. It makes my girls feel uncomfortable so I know her daughter has to be embarrassed. I have NEVER accepted one of the "playdate" offers...I will not force my kids to play with people that the do not like and have nothing in common with. Other than the morning time, that is the only interaction that they have all had together.