Got any jokes?

[missy]

"
Stay Home! Back to Work! A Dog and Cat Debate Reopening America
You think this decision is strictly yours. It’s not.

ILLUSTRATION: ZOHAR LAZAR

By
Jason Gay
April 17, 2020 11:40 am ET

America Needs To Get Back to Work
By A Cat

Enough is enough. American business has taken a historic plunge over the past month. It’s time to consider a practical plan for protecting public health—while also allowing for a return to work and, hopefully, a revival of the economy.
Oh, who am I kidding?
On behalf of cats everywhere, I’ll just say it: We want everyone out of the house.

It was cute for a while, but the party is over. We’re sick of this quarantine, shelter-in-place directive.
Sheltering in place? That’s a cat’s job. Cats invented sheltering in place—sleeping in the windowsill, the corner of the couch, the sock drawer in the closet and, if it gets a little too noisy, under the bed, eyes open, annoyed. Cats know what it takes to stay home all the time. We’re just tired of sharing our home with everybody else.
Have we liked getting snacks at unexpected hours? Sure. Is it nice to roll around on that warm laptop keyboard during Zoom calls? Sure is. Warm keyboards are heaven.
But it’s gotten to be too much. The other day I walked into the kitchen and saw someone standing in my 9 a.m. sun spot. So rude. That sun spot is only there for 15 minutes a day!
We (sort of) love you, and appreciate the occasional pats on the head, but cats are not the most social creatures. Sure, there are some exceptions. You might have one of those cats who actually enjoys human company. Congratulations.
But the vast majority of us—
BIRD OUTSIDE THE WINDOW! MUST! GET! BIRD!
Sorry. Where was I? Right. The vast majority of cats are ready for you to get back to work. Or just leave the house for longer than 15 minutes.
Please consider it. Not for America. For cats.

Why Not Work at Home Forever?

By A Dog

As America debates a return to work, it’s important not to rush. We need to balance the economy against the extremely valid concerns about public health and protecting lives.
And walks. We need to think about all of the walks.
And ball. We need to also chase the ball. Lots and lots.
Look: I’m a dog. I’m not some public intellectual. I’m a good, good dog, most of the time, but I just ate half of a baseball glove in the garage. I also knocked over a potted plant in the living room. I’m sorry. I’m a dog. What do you want?
The important thing is: Dogs want you to stay. These past four weeks, they have been some of the greatest weeks of our lives. You’re there in the morning. You’re there in the evening. You’re there at lunch. It’s the best.


And the walks…we’ve never been so fit in our lives! There’s the 8:30 a.m. walk, the 11:15 a.m. walk, the 1 p.m. walk, the 3 p.m. walk, the 7 p.m. walk, and, if we’re lucky, a 9:30 p.m. walk.
Sometimes you throw the ball. And then I get the ball and bring it back to you. And then you throw the ball again, and I bring it back again. And again. And again. And again. Bliss.

I’m sure the cats are telling you they’ve had it. Never trust a cat. They’re rude animals. They don’t appreciate you.
But dogs understand what you bring to the table. We love having you at home. Stay. Stay forever. We promise to be a good dog. Or at least a pretty good dog.
"

 

[dk168]

England is allowing up to 6 people from different households to meet up in a garden providing social distancing is observed from Mon 01 June 2020.

The Seven Dwarfs were delighted to hear this news, however, one of them is not happy!

DK

 

[kenny]

 

[missy]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight", the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

 

[missy]

Marrying a girl from Tennessee

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.

The first man married a woman from Wisconsin . He told her that she was to
do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the
third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Minnesota . He gave his wife orders
that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day
he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the
third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a
huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Tennessee. He ordered her to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on
the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm
was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the
dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

 

[missy]

 

[missy]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
"Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mammy through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Daddy... I became a prostitute."

"YE WHAT!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this good Catlick family."

"OK, Daddy... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

'What the hell was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, "A prostitute, Daddy!"

"A PROSTITUTE!!! Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Daddy a hug!!”

 

[missy]

Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square, Rome.

The first Catholic man tells his friends,

“My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father”.

The second Catholic man chirps,

“My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Grace”.”

The third Catholic gent says,

“My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says “Your Eminence”.”

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,

“My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Holiness”.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well…?”

She proudly replies, “I have a daughter,

Slim,

Tall,

38D breast,

24″ waist and

34” hips.

When she walks into a room, people say,

“My God!

 

[missy]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren"; and “poof”, she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and “poof”, she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says "
No sister, the paper says it was the '
Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."!!!!!!!!!!

 

[missy]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

 

[missy]

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?

If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.

Share if you had a good laugh so others can as well.

 

[kenny]

 

[missy]

Sad but true.

 

[missy]

 

[missy]

A wife, feeling very depressed, while looking in a mirror, says to her husband; "Honey! I think I look fat! And my arms are looking flabby too! I need you to say something nice about me! I need a compliment!" He looks at her and says; "Your eyesight is darned near perfect!!!"

 

[missy]

too funny not to share:Worth the read

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:


Dear Mrs. Harris,


Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.


We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6 In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

[missy]

“Bob Hope.
He was a class act.
On his deathbed they asked him where he wanted to be buried. Bob Hope replied: "Surprise me."

I had forgotten that he lived to be 100, and it has been almost 17 years since he died.

For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your grandparents and thanks for the memories.

This is a tribute to a man who DID make a difference....

ON TURNING 70 - "I still chase women, but only downhill."

ON TURNING 80 - "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.”

ON TURNING 90 - "You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 - " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER (BOXING) - "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them."

ON GOLF - "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS - "I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER - "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, congratulations, you have an eight pound ham."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL - "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY - "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS - "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES - "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN - "I have done benefits for ALL religions. I would hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

Dear Lord -
Please give me a sense of humor,
give me the grace to see a joke,
to get some humor out of life,
and pass it on to other folk.

To the person receiving this, please have the grace to pass it on to others.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, keep one hand on your wallet and don't worry about tomorrow..
“

 

[Rockdiamond]

Russian Joke...told to me by my Russian Doctor
BAD JOKE WARNING>>>>>>

A guy goes to his doctor
" I went to a surgeon and he told me he needs to cut off my...( male member)"

"WHAT- Never trust a surgeon, they always want to cut....
Let me have a look....oh my- it's all shriveled up!...Tell you what- go stand on the chair over there.
The patient does....
"Now - jump up and down"
The patient does, and his ...(male member) falls off.

"See- I told you never to trust a surgeon- they always want to cut!"

 

[missy]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

*Lmao! I wish I knew who wrote this! ❤ ~Ms.Snap

 

[Beautiful-disaster]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bar tender ‘if I show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen will you give me a free beer?’
Bartender says ‘sure, but I’ve seen some pretty amazing stuff’.
The guy pulls out a small box and puts it on the bar.
He opens the box and inside is a little man playing a little piano!
The bartender says ‘ That’s amazing! Where did you get it?’ - as he pours him a beer.
The guy says ‘ I was walking down at the beach when I kicked an old bottle.... out popped a genie who was cranky, old and hard of hearing, he growled at me for waking him up and yelled ‘what do you want?!?’
Next thing I knew I had this in my hands!
‘wow!’ says the bartender - ‘do you still have the bottle??’
The guy hands the bartender an old dirty bottle and the bartender quickly drops it and gives it a kick.
Out pops a dirty old genie who growls and yells at him ‘WHAT DO YOU WANT??!?’
Startled the bartender stutters out ‘oh oh um a million bucks! I want a million bucks!’.
All of a sudden the whole bar is filled with a million quacking ducks!! There were ducks and feathers everywhere!
The bartender freaks out and looks at the guy with the box *What the hell happened??!?’
The guy looks at the bartender and says ‘...... What? You think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?’

 

[kenny]

 

[kenny]

 

[missy]

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why ...
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to $3000
"Well, please let me have $3000 now", she The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her
The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.

the moral of this tale .......

Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.

 

[Rockdiamond]

I just released my own fragrance.
The people in the car didn't seem to like it.....

 

[missy]

A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.

 

[kenny]

Have you seen my new jogging cross-trainers?

 

[missy]

These, are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
********
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists..
********
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
********
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
********
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
********
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
********
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
********
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
********
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
********
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
********
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
********
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
********
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

 

[kenny]

When life gives you lemons, make some lemonade.

 

[missy]

An elderly couple, Harold and Edna, were attending a local airshow when they spotted a helicopter ride tent. Harold, who had been browbeaten and henpecked by his wife for most of their married life, begged her to allow him to go. "I have always wanted a helicopter ride," he pleaded.
"Well, let's see how much it is first," she responded crisply.

When they got to the tent, the pilot told them that the ride was $25 apiece. "Why, that's fifty dollars, Harold," she exclaimed. "I certainly don't think we need to spend that kind of money! You'd better just pass on it, dear."

This time, Harold was insistent. After all, he knew that he might not get another chance, so he argued with her back and forth for a few minutes.
"Hon," he said, "seeing as how we are old, we may not get another chance to do something like this. Please say yes."
"Absolutely not," she retorted. "Fifty bucks is fifty BUCKS!"

On and on it went, with Harold pleading and Edna responding with, "Fifty bucks is FIFTY BUCKS!"
Finally, the pilot had heard enough of her browbeating and contention. "Look," he offered, "I am going to give you a ride for free, IF," he looked straight at Edna, "...if you can promise that you will not make a sound the whole time."
They agreed. After all, who could turn that down, when fifty bucks is fifty bucks?

Well, the pilot got them into the air, intending to do his very best to spook them into screaming or making noise, by spinning the heli, making steep banks, and nearly rolling it upside down. However, despite his best aerobatics, not a sound reached the cockpit.

Finally, defeated, the pilot flew the heli back to the airfield, settling it smoothly into the grass. As he powered it down and shut off the master switch, he spoke over his shoulder without looking and said, "You know, I am surprised. Most folks freak out their first time flying, especially in a helicopter, but I hardly knew you were back there, it was so quiet."

Then came Harold's meek reply.
"Well, to be honest, I nearly spoke up when Edna fell out, but fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

 

[kenny]

For PS cat lovers ...