Got any jokes?

[Arkteia]

(It is a translation, but I hope I'll manage)

One genealogist asks another one:
- What does it mean, "bad heredity"?

The other one answers, pensively:

- Bad heredity? I think it is when they cross you out of the will...

 

[Rockdiamond]

Why did the policeman smell bad?
Because he was on duty!

 

[Rockdiamond]

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

 

[Rockdiamond]

A lady walks into the bedroom carrying a duck and says "I wanted to show you the pig I've been sleeping with."
"That's a duck!" said the husband.

She says "I was talking to the duck"

 

[Rockdiamond]

So I was talking to a client the other day. He told me he was 66 years old, and he was a doctor. “That’s great” I told him “you must be getting ready to retire.”
He says “No- my accountant nformed me that I will have to be working for another six years after I die“

 

[missy]

An oldie but a goodie and definitely matches my current frame of mind.

From one of my favorite movies Annie Hall. A Woody Allen quote.

There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.”

 

[kenny]

Somewhat NSFW ... but since the BBC produced it how bad could it be?

 

[december-fire]

Love this thread!

 

[kenny]

... I finally figured out what women want.
SECURITY!

Well, that's what they yell when I try to talk to one of em.

 

[december-fire]

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’

Love this one

Your "catronaut" avatar is too cute!

Welcome to PS and thanks for the laugh from the joke and your avatar.

 

[Rockdiamond]

The times we live in. So Sad.
One small mistake can ruin someone's life.
After 7 years of medical school and training, my friend was fired for one small indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.
This just goes to show how a small mistake can ruin your life. What a waste.
He was the best veterinarian in town too.....

 

[kenny]

 

[kenny]

 

[kenny]

 

[missy]

 

[kenny]

Cat Lady Jokes!
Love em. .

Uh Oh, I just committed an un-PC gender sin!
There are also 4 cat men on the planet.

 

[kenny]

 

[missy]

Cat Lady Jokes!
Love em. .

Uh Oh, I just committed an un-PC gender sin!
There are also 4 cat men on the planet.

I am an EO joke offender.










and along the science theme lol

 

[Rockdiamond]

A man walks into a bar carrying an octopus. He sets the octopus on the bar and the stunned bartender say, 'You can't bring an octopus in here!'
The man says, 'This octopus is incredibly talented. It can play any musical instrument.' A crowd starts to gather and suddenly from the bandstand comes flying through the air, a trumpet. A tentacle strikes out, grabs the trumpet and the octopus starts to play.'My god', the crowd gasps, 'it sounds like Miles Davis!' It tosses the trumpet back and a saxophone comes flying through the air. Once again, a tentacle strikes out, grabbing the sax and starts to play. 'Jeezus!', they exclaim, 'it sounds like Coletrane'. The sax is then sent flying back to the band. 'Wow', they all exclaim. Suddenly a bagpipe comes flying through the air. The octopus grabs it and is all over it, but not a sound. The man gets concerned and says to the octopus, 'Why don't you play it?', to which the octopus says, 'Play it? I'm going to have sex with it, as soon as I can get it's pajamas off!

 

[Arkteia]

Joke of the day: I could not remember anything funny today so I googled "jokes" (just now).

Here is what came first in the feed:

"It's official - the House Intelligence Committee is a joke!"

 

[kenny]

How does the farmer make such perfect crop circles?
.
.
.
.
She uses a pro tractor.

 

[missy]

 

[kenny]

 

[kenny]

My ex husband is so shallow.
Maybe I should dig a deeper grave so the dogs don't get to him.

... Nah!

 

[kenny]

 

[kenny]

 

[missy]

 

[missy]

 

[Matata]

 

[kenny]

Have you seen my garden's new awning?