Grandmother wants me to give back my pearl necklace

[EricaR]

Date: 1/4/2009 10:58:06 PM
Author: iluvcarats

Date: 1/4/2009 10:51:17 PM
Author: Gypsy
I think that would be amazingly hurtful. ((HUGS)). I''d probably give them back because honestly... the joy in them would be gone for me. I wouldn''t be able to forget the comment, everytime I looked at them.

This is exactly how I feel too. I would never be able to enjoy them, and truthfully, even though they are special, they are just a material thing. They will probably always remind you of this now. I am sorry

My feelings would be really hurt too. My grandmother got a bit mean as she got older too. I don''t think that she meant much of what she said.

Honestly, I can''t see how your cousin could enjoy them now either.

Much as I wish I was strong enough to just tune out the request, I think I have to agree with Gypsy and ILC here. Every time I looked at the pearls that is all I would think of and they would be almost "tainted" in my mind.

My grandmother is also getting quite nasty these days, although her nastiness comes in the form of racism AND hatred of all things she considers to be a sin. I''m living with my fiancee? SINNER! My cousin married a woman who''s mom is Mexican? DOUBLE SINNER! I might be a bad granddaughter, but I refuse to put up iwth it and I don''t have any communication with her anymore.

 

[jewelerman]

I see both sides of either giving back or keeping the pearls are legitimate advice.
I would wait and see if she mellows on the demand to get them back...if she persists then openly discuss ...grandma why are you being this way?you wanted me to have these pearls enough to give them to me with no strings...what changed... and I love them and am caring for them...I would remind her that the pearls are not to be taken back every time she gets upset...they were a gift...if you knew there were strings then you would have purchased your own pearls...she needs to know that she has hurt you and she needs to know that this could alter the relationship...is this what she wants...to alinate you...if she insists on taking the pearls than let her pick the pearls up at the jewelers and pay for the restringing...and buy your own.

 

[tlh]

No takes backsies!

If she gave them to YOU, then they are YOURS. Regardless of how long you''ve had them... or if she thinks someone would appreciate them more. I would come out and say- grandma I find this really hurtful that you would want to take something that you gave to ME and that I treasure very much just to turn around and give it to someone else.

You said she is 86, and most likely she is contemplating death and who will remember her... and maybe through her things. My grandmother has been doing that since her 50''s! So maybe I would say- something like... "no I wont give these back. You gave these to me and I love them. I wear them often... in fact I am getting them restrung because I wear them soo often. I treasure them because YOU gave them to me... and I will always remember that YOU gave them to me... and then maybe that... when I have a daughter... I will give them to her... with a photo of you- so she knows just how precious they are..." I think she will be embarrassed for asking for them back... and if she isn''t she SHOULD be.

Tough situation, I am sorry.

 

[HappyAnniversary]

Sugary--I am so sorry about this situation, I have heard of many people changing their personalities as they get older, even if they seem to function well on other levels. I think the internal mechanism for "editing" and "judgement" get a little wonky when we age and we are more likely to do and say those things that earlier we stopped ourselves.

Maybe she very much wants to be able to bequeath something of value to every granddaughter, and she remembers the joy you both had when she handed them down to you?

I would not give them back, and as others have said, if she mentions it again I would emphasize how much they mean to you, etc. I would also not hold this against her at all if it is related to age, I am sure I will need extra understanding from my family--I feel myself getting all curmudgonly some days so the process is already starting on me!! I hope they forgive me for all the stupid things I may say and do 20 years from now.

I would also try to look on them with the same love and joy as when the initial gift was received. Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[Pandora II]

Wow! That is outrageous. What a witch.

Personally I wouldn't give them back at all - even if I never wore them again. If she made a real song and dance about it, I'd probably tell her I sold them - just to get my own back...

 

[Tuckins1]

Wow, this is rough. I have to say that if it were me, I would not give them back, and I would express to my grandmother just how inappropriate her request was. But, that''s our relationship... I don''t know how your relationship is.

 

[chiquitapet]

I`m very sorry you are in this situation. I would give it a bit of time, see if your grandma really means her request or if it was just a spur of a moment thing as is so common for older people. Have a nice and calm chat with her and talk things out. But if she still wants the pearls back, I think I would give them to her, as I couldn''t enjoy wearing them, knowing grandma didn''t want me to have them anymore.

 

[elrohwen]

That''s really sad

I don''t even know what you can say to her, but I would definitely try to explain that you love the pearls and would really like to keep them; I wouldn''t give them up without trying to explain it to her. That''s a tough situation though!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

People. She''s 86. Read back to Kaleigh''s post. Her Nanny did the same kind of thing in her last years. You just have to love them and ignore that kind of behavior. And no, the pearls are yours and were given in love. You do not need to give them back!!! Just remember your grandma in her better years!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/5/2009 8:56:48 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
People. She''s 86. Read back to Kaleigh''s post. Her Nanny did the same kind of thing in her last years. You just have to love them and ignore that kind of behavior. And no, the pearls are yours and were given in love. You do not need to give them back!!! Just remember your grandma in her better years!

I agree, but I''d wait and see what else she says. True, you don''t need to return them but you might end up wanting to do so.

 

[DiamanteBlu]

Hmmm . . . I was going to say that I''m not sure what to tell you because nothing like that has ever happened to me so I didn''t post. Oops!

Just now, I remembered that it did happen to me but with my mom. When I was 10, she gave me her original engagement ring. It was a teeny stone [supposed to be a diamond but she said that she later discovered it was a zircon - I have not looked at it recently so I can''t comment] in an 18k Au setting. My dad had gotten her a bigger stone [diamond] a number of years before so she never wore her original ring. I wore this thing every day. I cleaned it continuously. I was obsessed with it. Guarded it with my life. And then my parents separated [when I was 15 - they got back together again a number of years later] and my mother told me that she wanted her engagement ring back. I just took it off and gave it back to her.

I was crushed. In fact, the thought still brings tears to my eyes. It still hurts - 40 years later. I am not sure where the ring is but it still bugs me. Do I want it again? Dunno. I have some major pieces so I don''t think I would wear it - but DD probably would - proudly.

I''m not quite sure what to tell you. If I had it to do over again, instead of giving it back I now [knowing what I know, etc. LOL!] would say something like "are you kidding me?" - just to make sure that she was clear. I expect that she would have thought about it for two seconds and would have realized that the ring was in capable hands and was on the finger of her daughter so she need not worry.

I guess, I would suggest that you have a conversation with your grandma if she is still making sense to see what''s up. If she is not making sense [which seems to be the case from what you wrote] I''d just let it pass and if she brings it up again point out the lunacy of the gift retraction [I mean, it was a college graduation gift, after all, was it not?]

Longwinded - sorry - hope it helped.

 

[that_someone_special]

If my grandma said that to me.. I would cry! No.. I would bawl my eyes out. Jeez...

I am so sorry.

 

[jewelerman]

Date: 1/5/2009 10:47:13 PM
Author: DiamanteBlu
Hmmm . . . I was going to say that I''m not sure what to tell you because nothing like that has ever happened to me so I didn''t post. Oops!

Just now, I remembered that it did happen to me but with my mom. When I was 10, she gave me her original engagement ring. It was a teeny stone [supposed to be a diamond but she said that she later discovered it was a zircon - I have not looked at it recently so I can''t comment] in an 18k Au setting. My dad had gotten her a bigger stone [diamond] a number of years before so she never wore her original ring. I wore this thing every day. I cleaned it continuously. I was obsessed with it. Guarded it with my life. And then my parents separated [when I was 15 - they got back together again a number of years later] and my mother told me that she wanted her engagement ring back. I just took it off and gave it back to her.

I was crushed. In fact, the thought still brings tears to my eyes. It still hurts - 40 years later. I am not sure where the ring is but it still bugs me. Do I want it again? Dunno. I have some major pieces so I don''t think I would wear it - but DD probably would - proudly.

I''m not quite sure what to tell you. If I had it to do over again, instead of giving it back I now [knowing what I know, etc. LOL!] would say something like ''are you kidding me?'' - just to make sure that she was clear. I expect that she would have thought about it for two seconds and would have realized that the ring was in capable hands and was on the finger of her daughter so she need not worry.

I guess, I would suggest that you have a conversation with your grandma if she is still making sense to see what''s up. If she is not making sense [which seems to be the case from what you wrote] I''d just let it pass and if she brings it up again point out the lunacy of the gift retraction [I mean, it was a college graduation gift, after all, was it not?]

Longwinded - sorry - hope it helped.

blu...so sorry about that situation!I would be hurt also!

 

[sugary]

Here''s an update of what happened:

1. Grandmother called my dad to let him know that she expects me to return the necklace.
2. I called my mom to tell her what happened and asked her to get the pearls from the jewelers (she just dropped them off for me so I did not want to pay for restringing if I could avoid it).
3. Dad delivered pearls to grandmother this morning. (I called her last night to tell her that. She said "OK, is there anything else?" and I said that if I did anything to offend her that I apologize and that she means a great deal to me.. She promptly then asked, "Does that mean that your cousin will be in your wedding?" and I said "no" and she hung up on me.
4. Grandmother tells my dad that she has given his brother "power of attorney" and that my dad does not have to concern himself anymore with anything.
5. Dad said that if that is what she wants then let it be. He still reminds her that if she does need anything that he is there for her. She assures him that she doesn''t need him.

To give all of you a brief background: My dad was my grandfather''s favorite. My grandfather was a master carpenter and my dad loved to work with him when he was young boy.My uncle did not like carpentry and therefore did not spend a lot of time with my grandfather. That started the feud and dad''s brother became grandmother''s favorite. Dad gave his brother a job when he needed one and all he did was complain that he wasn''t paid enough so he quit. My dad built his business and became successful and his brother has just held mediocre jobs.

Grandfather passed away 2 years ago and grandmother then went into assisted living. Dad has been handling her finances and makes sure she gets to her appointments (medical and otherwise) and that all her bills are paid, etc. with no power of attorney. Dad takes her on vacation with the family and pays her way. In fact dad pays for a lot of her "additional" activites that my uncle will shortly learn about.

I still do not understand my uncle''s jealousy and perhaps never will. My dad said they were never close and over the years have grown more and more apart. Since my engagement my grandmother has made a "big deal" about it and just won''t let up. I will not back down ever since my uncle insulted my FI''s parents at Christmas, when he came to my parent''s home unanounced and univited since he learned from grandmother that my FI and parents will be there. (Uncle has not ever been over for Christmas for over 10 years, even when my grandmother had Christmas at her house)

So there, I gave the pearls back. I will call my grandmother this weekend to see if she would like to go to lunch. If she hangs up on me again, I will let her make the next move. I will not cry over this, because I know in my heart that I did nothing wrong.

 

[swingirl]

So sorry it has turned out that way. It sounds like the sibling rivalry has gone on for quite a while with your dad and his brother. Your grandmother is trying to even things out before she dies and she is using you and the cousin as pawns. Not very nice.

Good for you for not allowing her to bribe you into having your cousin in your wedding. And as far as lunch goes, I don’t think she ready yet to play nice. So sorry you have to deal with such bad behavior.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 1/6/2009 2:33:27 PM
Author: sugary
Here''s an update of what happened:

1. Grandmother called my dad to let him know that she expects me to return the necklace.
2. I called my mom to tell her what happened and asked her to get the pearls from the jewelers (she just dropped them off for me so I did not want to pay for restringing if I could avoid it).
3. Dad delivered pearls to grandmother this morning. (I called her last night to tell her that. She said ''OK, is there anything else?'' and I said that if I did anything to offend her that I apologize and that she means a great deal to me.. She promptly then asked, ''Does that mean that your cousin will be in your wedding?'' and I said ''no'' and she hung up on me.
4. Grandmother tells my dad that she has given his brother ''power of attorney'' and that my dad does not have to concern himself anymore with anything.
5. Dad said that if that is what she wants then let it be. He still reminds her that if she does need anything that he is there for her. She assures him that she doesn''t need him.

To give all of you a brief background: My dad was my grandfather''s favorite. My grandfather was a master carpenter and my dad loved to work with him when he was young boy.My uncle did not like carpentry and therefore did not spend a lot of time with my grandfather. That started the feud and dad''s brother became grandmother''s favorite. Dad gave his brother a job when he needed one and all he did was complain that he wasn''t paid enough so he quit. My dad built his business and became successful and his brother has just held mediocre jobs.

Grandfather passed away 2 years ago and grandmother then went into assisted living. Dad has been handling her finances and makes sure she gets to her appointments (medical and otherwise) and that all her bills are paid, etc. with no power of attorney. Dad takes her on vacation with the family and pays her way. In fact dad pays for a lot of her ''additional'' activites that my uncle will shortly learn about.

I still do not understand my uncle''s jealousy and perhaps never will. My dad said they were never close and over the years have grown more and more apart. Since my engagement my grandmother has made a ''big deal'' about it and just won''t let up. I will not back down ever since my uncle insulted my FI''s parents at Christmas, when he came to my parent''s home unanounced and univited since he learned from grandmother that my FI and parents will be there. (Uncle has not ever been over for Christmas for over 10 years, even when my grandmother had Christmas at her house)

So there, I gave the pearls back. I will call my grandmother this weekend to see if she would like to go to lunch. If she hangs up on me again, I will let her make the next move. I will not cry over this, because I know in my heart that I did nothing wrong.

Wow...you''re a better person than I would be, that''s for sure...86 or not...

But good for you for being able to see past all of this and still be a good grandaughter.

And good for you for not backing down as far as your wedding is concerned.

You''re a sweetheart, AND a strong person.

 

[AprilBaby]

You did a brave thing beyond what most people would do. Bless you for your thoughtfulness!

 

[Sizzle]

Date: 1/5/2009 1:24:49 AM
Author: EricaR

Date: 1/4/2009 10:58:06 PM
Author: iluvcarats

Date: 1/4/2009 10:51:17 PM
Author: Gypsy
I think that would be amazingly hurtful. ((HUGS)). I''d probably give them back because honestly... the joy in them would be gone for me. I wouldn''t be able to forget the comment, everytime I looked at them.

This is exactly how I feel too. I would never be able to enjoy them, and truthfully, even though they are special, they are just a material thing. They will probably always remind you of this now. I am sorry

My feelings would be really hurt too. My grandmother got a bit mean as she got older too. I don''t think that she meant much of what she said.

Honestly, I can''t see how your cousin could enjoy them now either.

Much as I wish I was strong enough to just tune out the request, I think I have to agree with Gypsy and ILC here. Every time I looked at the pearls that is all I would think of and they would be almost ''tainted'' in my mind.

My grandmother is also getting quite nasty these days, although her nastiness comes in the form of racism AND hatred of all things she considers to be a sin. I''m living with my fiancee? SINNER! My cousin married a woman who''s mom is Mexican? DOUBLE SINNER! I might be a bad granddaughter, but I refuse to put up iwth it and I don''t have any communication with her anymore.

well if they must go back, I would give them to her unstrung and say " Now you can pass them on with no strings attached!"

 

[DiamanteBlu]

Date: 1/6/2009 3:02:34 PM
Author: Sizzle
well if they must go back, I would give them to her unstrung and say ' Now you can pass them on with no strings attached!'

LOL!

ETA I can't believe she actually accepted them back. Sigh . . . I think you should go out and buy a nicer string of pearls for yourself to replace the repossessed ones.

 

[swimmer]

So sorry Sugary,
The fact that she called your dad really indicates that this is not about you at all. Hugs, good to hear that you are not internalizing this.

 

[lyra]

I know you are having bad feelings over this, but I think you really took the high road here, and that the situation is just beyond anyone''s help. Clearly your grandmother is very manipulative in her old age, and as others have suggested, it''s probably partially dementia setting in. Both my great aunt (dad''s side) and grandmother (mom''s side) went through periods where they made very ridiculous demands and *accusations* that were completely irrational or just plain mean. Remember the good times if you can. Severing ties with family has this stupid taboo thing around it, but I can assure you (I have actually gone to therapy about these issues), it is often the best thing to do in these cases. Do not feel guilty. Put it behind you and look forward to your wonderful future with your FI. Things will ease up over time. I hope you get your own string of pearls soon. You deserve them! Good luck, and take care.

 

[Efe]

You have shown amazing grace and kindness in a very difficult situation. I really appreciate and admire the way you handled yourself.

 

[Kelli]

Sorry you have to go through this.

It''s sad, but you handled it well and there''s nothing more you can do. Hopefully she''ll come around soon. Such a shame to waste the golden years being hateful.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 1/5/2009 9:00:30 AM
Author: tlh
No takes backsies!

If she gave them to YOU, then they are YOURS. Regardless of how long you''ve had them... or if she thinks someone would appreciate them more. I would come out and say- grandma I find this really hurtful that you would want to take something that you gave to ME and that I treasure very much just to turn around and give it to someone else.

You said she is 86, and most likely she is contemplating death and who will remember her... and maybe through her things. My grandmother has been doing that since her 50''s! So maybe I would say- something like... ''no I wont give these back. You gave these to me and I love them. I wear them often... in fact I am getting them restrung because I wear them soo often. I treasure them because YOU gave them to me... and I will always remember that YOU gave them to me... and then maybe that... when I have a daughter... I will give them to her... with a photo of you- so she knows just how precious they are...'' I think she will be embarrassed for asking for them back... and if she isn''t she SHOULD be.

Tough situation, I am sorry.

DITTO exactly!! Wonderful way to put it.

 

[Erin]

If I were the cousin who received the pearls, I would send them back to you. Hopefully, if everyone is aware of the situation and not impudent urchins, they can right the wrong here. If not, I''m sorry you lost a great string of pearls and send you dust on getting a replacement in the near future.

 

[choro72]

sugary, you and your family sound like the most forgiving, generous people I know. Your grandmother is blessed to have children like you, and it''s too bad that she doesn''t see that. Kudos to you for doing something that most people cannot do, and you did it with class.

 

[Steel]

Thanks for the update, I have been thinking about you.

I am very sorry the way this turned out. I think it shows you as an kind-hearted person, just be careful to protect yourself.
Sometimes people just suck; especialy family.

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 1/6/2009 2:33:27 PM
Author: sugary
Here''s an update of what happened:


1. Grandmother called my dad to let him know that she expects me to return the necklace.

2. I called my mom to tell her what happened and asked her to get the pearls from the jewelers (she just dropped them off for me so I did not want to pay for restringing if I could avoid it).

3. Dad delivered pearls to grandmother this morning. (I called her last night to tell her that. She said ''OK, is there anything else?'' and I said that if I did anything to offend her that I apologize and that she means a great deal to me.. She promptly then asked, ''Does that mean that your cousin will be in your wedding?'' and I said ''no'' and she hung up on me.

4. Grandmother tells my dad that she has given his brother ''power of attorney'' and that my dad does not have to concern himself anymore with anything.

5. Dad said that if that is what she wants then let it be. He still reminds her that if she does need anything that he is there for her. She assures him that she doesn''t need him.


To give all of you a brief background: My dad was my grandfather''s favorite. My grandfather was a master carpenter and my dad loved to work with him when he was young boy.My uncle did not like carpentry and therefore did not spend a lot of time with my grandfather. That started the feud and dad''s brother became grandmother''s favorite. Dad gave his brother a job when he needed one and all he did was complain that he wasn''t paid enough so he quit. My dad built his business and became successful and his brother has just held mediocre jobs.


Grandfather passed away 2 years ago and grandmother then went into assisted living. Dad has been handling her finances and makes sure she gets to her appointments (medical and otherwise) and that all her bills are paid, etc. with no power of attorney. Dad takes her on vacation with the family and pays her way. In fact dad pays for a lot of her ''additional'' activites that my uncle will shortly learn about.


I still do not understand my uncle''s jealousy and perhaps never will. My dad said they were never close and over the years have grown more and more apart. Since my engagement my grandmother has made a ''big deal'' about it and just won''t let up. I will not back down ever since my uncle insulted my FI''s parents at Christmas, when he came to my parent''s home unanounced and univited since he learned from grandmother that my FI and parents will be there. (Uncle has not ever been over for Christmas for over 10 years, even when my grandmother had Christmas at her house)


So there, I gave the pearls back. I will call my grandmother this weekend to see if she would like to go to lunch. If she hangs up on me again, I will let her make the next move. I will not cry over this, because I know in my heart that I did nothing wrong.

This is just an old life lesson - you can''t control what other people say and do, only what you say and do. And you took the high road, and did nothing wrong. I am sorry for you

But try not to let it get to you. Sometimes when people get old they lose that all important filter, and say and do mean things. (I hope that doesn''t happen to me) Just know that whatever the history is between your GM and her children, she really shouldn''t be taking it out on you. ((((HUGS))))

 

[princesss]

Sugary, you are a strong, classy lady. You manage to stand up for what you think is right and be a caring, considerate person. I think we can all strive to be more like that.

At the very least you can walk with your head held high. I hope this situation doesn''t get you down too much. It''s hard and emotional, but you''ve done the right thing every step of the way, and I hope that''s at least some comfort.

 

[Rhea]

I''m sorry it ended up that way for you. You do sound like the bigger person and I hope that your grandmother is able to come around.