Grandmother wants me to give back my pearl necklace

[Sabine]

Just wanted to send you *hugs* for being such a strong, sensitive person. I''m sorry you are going through this.

 

[Itgirl76]

Big hugs go out to you!

I am sorry that you were put in such a petty situation. I think you did the right thing with much grace and elegance.
Good for you! Sometimes people just have some clouded judgements about things regardless if they are young or old.
Before I read your post I was going to tell you to return them...you don''t seem to need anymore added stress on your life.

And you are exactly right you did nothing wrong! I am so impressed that you are going to invite her out to lunch, It appears to me that you are a good person with a good heart and understand you can''t control people and some people you don''t even want to control

Good for you!

 

[EricaR]

As someone else said (and I''m going to steal their exact words) you are a strong, classy woman. Good on you for taking the high road!

 

[sugary]

Thanks to all for your advice and kind words. I guess I wasn''t too surprised to hear my grandmother say she wanted the pearls back! She is not the same person that I remember as a little girl and I am not going to argue with her because who knows how much time she has left. I still love her and know deep down she loves me too. I think she has other people planting thoughts into her mind. I know she will come around and it is ok about the pearls. Relationships are more important to me. I may not have a lot of close friends, but the ones I do have are always there for me and I am there for them, no matter what! And my mom, dad, brother and his wife and my other brother and his partner, both grandmothers, and now my FI and his parents mean the most to me and I always hope to keep a close relationship with them

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Sugary, I give you serious props for your courage and grace in handling this situation. Reading this, I was with all the other posters who said heck no, you shouldn''t give them back. However, I think in the end, you did what was best, as hard as it was, and I''m so sorry for how hard it must have been!

 

[risingsun]

You are a gracious and classy woman.

 

[Octavia]

Sugary, I''m going to echo what everyone else has said -- you are such a kind, understanding, gracious person, and it sounds like you have your priorities exactly right. I''m very sorry the situation turned out this way, though. It''s so hard when people change for the worse, whether because of age or whatever other reason.

If you lived near me, I''d gladly lend you my precious pearls until you get another strand! But perhaps you''ll get new beauties as a wedding gift or for some other meaningful occasion -- I''ll keep my fingers crossed for you

 

[VRBeauty]

Sugary: As Swimmer said, it's clear that this is not about you. You can take pride in the way you've handled this and in your willingness to consider the whole of your relationship with your grandmother, not just this latest incident. I'm glad that you have your parents on your side too.

**** HUGS! ****

 

[vespergirl]

Wow, I hate to say it, but your GM sounds really manipulative. I wouldn''t give them back - they were a gift, and I would keep them. I would just keep "forgetting" about her request every time you see her. If she really pushes the point, you should just ask her if it has anything to do with your wedding invitations/choice of groom/etc. Let her explain herself then. I know it''s harsh, but your GM kind of sounds like my mother, who is the controlling person in our family, and I find that the only way to keep her meddling from getting out of control is to respectfully call her on that type of behavior.

 

[vespergirl]

One more thing I want to add - has your GM been showing any signs of dementia? My GM lived with us 6 mos. of the year and my aunt the other 6 mos. for the last 20 years of her life. After my father and my aunt spending years supporting her and taking care of her, she started to accuse them of stealing $40K from her savings. They didn''t of course, and were so hurt by her accusations - she needed round-the-clock care, which the children & their spouses took upon themselves since she said that she didn''t want to go to a nursing home, and that was her reaction - so disappointing. Her dr. said though that at her age (she was in her 80s at the time) it was typical for people to develop dementia, even if they seemed normal otherwise, and could typically say those types of hurtful things. I am just telling that story to give an example of what dementia can look like ...

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 1/6/2009 2:33:27 PM
Author: sugary
Here''s an update of what happened:

1. Grandmother called my dad to let him know that she expects me to return the necklace.
2. I called my mom to tell her what happened and asked her to get the pearls from the jewelers (she just dropped them off for me so I did not want to pay for restringing if I could avoid it).
3. Dad delivered pearls to grandmother this morning. (I called her last night to tell her that. She said ''OK, is there anything else?'' and I said that if I did anything to offend her that I apologize and that she means a great deal to me.. She promptly then asked, ''Does that mean that your cousin will be in your wedding?'' and I said ''no'' and she hung up on me.
4. Grandmother tells my dad that she has given his brother ''power of attorney'' and that my dad does not have to concern himself anymore with anything.
5. Dad said that if that is what she wants then let it be. He still reminds her that if she does need anything that he is there for her. She assures him that she doesn''t need him.

To give all of you a brief background: My dad was my grandfather''s favorite. My grandfather was a master carpenter and my dad loved to work with him when he was young boy.My uncle did not like carpentry and therefore did not spend a lot of time with my grandfather. That started the feud and dad''s brother became grandmother''s favorite. Dad gave his brother a job when he needed one and all he did was complain that he wasn''t paid enough so he quit. My dad built his business and became successful and his brother has just held mediocre jobs.

Grandfather passed away 2 years ago and grandmother then went into assisted living. Dad has been handling her finances and makes sure she gets to her appointments (medical and otherwise) and that all her bills are paid, etc. with no power of attorney. Dad takes her on vacation with the family and pays her way. In fact dad pays for a lot of her ''additional'' activites that my uncle will shortly learn about.

I still do not understand my uncle''s jealousy and perhaps never will. My dad said they were never close and over the years have grown more and more apart. Since my engagement my grandmother has made a ''big deal'' about it and just won''t let up. I will not back down ever since my uncle insulted my FI''s parents at Christmas, when he came to my parent''s home unanounced and univited since he learned from grandmother that my FI and parents will be there. (Uncle has not ever been over for Christmas for over 10 years, even when my grandmother had Christmas at her house)

So there, I gave the pearls back. I will call my grandmother this weekend to see if she would like to go to lunch. If she hangs up on me again, I will let her make the next move. I will not cry over this, because I know in my heart that I did nothing wrong.

Sugary, I just went back and read this after replying - I had originally replied only to your first post. I''m sorry to hear about this - these family dramas are always so difficult. I agree that you can sleep well knowing in your heart that you did the right thing ...

 

[Steel]

Date: 1/6/2009 11:12:06 PM
Author: Octavia
Sugary, I''m going to echo what everyone else has said -- you are such a kind, understanding, gracious person, and it sounds like you have your priorities exactly right. I''m very sorry the situation turned out this way, though. It''s so hard when people change for the worse, whether because of age or whatever other reason.

If you lived near me, I''d gladly lend you my precious pearls until you get another strand! But perhaps you''ll get new beauties as a wedding gift or for some other meaningful occasion -- I''ll keep my fingers crossed for you

Octavia, that is a wonderful thought.

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/6/2009 7:57:02 PM
Author: sugary
Thanks to all for your advice and kind words. I guess I wasn't too surprised to hear my grandmother say she wanted the pearls back! She is not the same person that I remember as a little girl and I am not going to argue with her because who knows how much time she has left. I still love her and know deep down she loves me too. I think she has other people planting thoughts into her mind. I know she will come around and it is ok about the pearls. Relationships are more important to me. I may not have a lot of close friends, but the ones I do have are always there for me and I am there for them, no matter what! And my mom, dad, brother and his wife and my other brother and his partner, both grandmothers, and now my FI and his parents mean the most to me and I always hope to keep a close relationship with them

You are a very classy woman. Those you share those close relationships with are very fortunate. I am sorry that your grandmother had to call your dad to make him- make YOU do the right thing. Sounds like there is a lot of back drama going on... and sometimes that is hard to "keep your chin up".

I think you did exactly this... with poise! Maybe there was a section in my etiquette book on this... but your response was all I needed. Even continueing to take her to lunch. Wow, you are an amazing woman. If you and I were ever to cross paths someday, I would be very fortunate indeed!

I wish you the best, and I do believe, this too shall pass... and who knows... maybe they could be your something borrowed from your cousin at the wedding? A good way to show you are beyond this? Best wishes to you and your future husband!

 

[bee*]

I''m so sorry to hear that she took them back. You''re definitely taking the higher road, especially asking her out to lunch. I hope that she realises the error in her way.

 

[steph72276]

I''m very sorry about the latest update. Hopefully in time she will see she is in the wrong here. You sound like such a good person...hugs.

 

[Black Jade]

This post really got to me. I am a mom whose two sons currently don''t get along at all. They are young (in their 20''s) and I hope that things will improve over time. (I don''t want to tell the whole story, but one has had trouble with mental illness and drinking and has done some hurtful things to the other one. The one who did the hurtful things needs to apologize--but the other one needs to understand that his brother was really, really sick--like institutionalized twice--and that there was more to it than must badmindedness).

As a mom, I can tell you that nothing would be hurtful than to think that I was going to DIE (and when you''re 86 you have to know that that''s close) and that my children would still hate each other and be fighting and that it was being carried over into the third generation. I might not handle the situation completely sanely, even if I didn''t have dementia (which it doesn''t sound like the grandmother in question had).

Is your cousin a horrible person? Do you know her enough to know if she or not, since your respective fathers have been fighting since childhood? It sounds to me like your grandmother is trying to patch things up (clumsily) and was hoping that you could take what she considers to be the high road by being nice to your cousin in spite of everything. She is hitting out at you because you could not.

I am not saying that you SHOULD, I don''t know the whole situation and there are all kinds of other factors, like how angry your father would be if you had your cousin in your wedding. And of course the fact that, wanting to have a nice, peaceful wedding, you might feel it would be easiest to leave the status quo as it is.

Just another perspective. I hope you are not offended by it, as you clearly are going through a lot emotionally and none of it is your fault. ''The fathers have eaten sour grapes and the children''s teeth are set on edge''--and of course none of this is FAIR.

One thing that has happened that I would like to tell people--because of my sons fighting with each other, I saw how it felt to a parent and I mended fences over this past Christmas with my brother, who I had disliked for years. My parents got divorced some time ago and we had each taken a parent''s side and I had felt that he treated my father badly when my father was dying. I didn''t do anything overtly mean, I was just cold and ignored him. I think now that it set a bad example for my sons--showed them that it''s okay to be distant from your sibling. However, I saw him at Christmas and we are fine now. I can''t tell you how good it felt. Even though I felt that I was right and that my brother was wrong for all these years (8 Years) I didn''t know until we made it up that all the time I was mad at him, I felt like I was missing an arm or leg.

Sometimes people are more important than principles--or necklaces.

I repeat, I really don''t mean to offend and I don''t think you have done ANYTHING wrong. I just wonder if there''s a possibility that you can take this opportunity to do something really RIGHT, something above and beyond. Your grandmother may not need you to have lunch with her so much as she needs you to try to reach out a little bit to your cousin--and I''m SURE that giving the necklace to your cousin is a clumsy attempt to show that side of the family that they are loved at this time when she wishes there would be family togetherness--at your wedding.

 

[Black Jade]

Here I am again. Hope you''re not angry at my last post.

I just wanted to add--You can''t fix this situation. You can''t make your father and uncle not mad at each other and you can''t make your Grandmother not be hurt. Her reaction was not sensible and it was hurtful, especially to YOU and you haven''t done anything.

But I was wondering, since you are such a nice person and are still willing to have lunch with Grandmother, do you think you could talk to her (completely forgetting about the pearls, I''d take those as a dead loss at this point), "Nana, I''ve been thinking about what you said. I feel that you might be unhappy about this family feud and if what you''ve been trying to say to me is that you wish I''d do something that might help." Then you can talk and see what it is that she wants and how you might help. How you can show that you don''t wnat to feud with your cousin, no matter what has gone on in the past. Maybe you might not want her to be a bridesmaid, but she could just read a poem or something at your wedding or reception--just to a little something to show that you consider her part of the family and don''t have ill will towards her and that after Grandma is gone YOU at least have no intention of going on like the Hatfields and the McCoys or the Montagues and Capulets.

I bet the smile on your grandma''s face might make losing the necklace seem unimportant.

Such a smile--and the feeling that you had regained your closeness will be better in your memory than the necklace would be in your jewelry box.

I do have the feeling from your posts that she loves you very much and I can tell that you love her. Her hitting out at you in this way is not because she has lost her love for you--it''s jsut that she feels like a rat in a trap right now (with the wedding showing how far the family feud has gone) and is willing to gnaw her own leg off at the moment.