Have you ever been the object of inappropriate comments by a man?

[monarch64]

Amberwaves, BLECH! I can''t imagine having to deal with that in an academic atmosphere...good for you for sticking up for yourself.

Harriet, I don''t know about you, but I was raised to always be very polite to people no matter what the situation, and sometimes I have a hard time giving someone an attitude or putting them in their place when they make inappropriate comments, just because I hate to offend anyone. But I''ve learned that some people will take advantage of that, so I''ve had to learn to adapt to different situations and be a bit more blunt when the situation requires doing so. I don''t know you at all, but I''m wondering if you''re worried about appearing rude or being mean to whoever is causing you to post this question here?

When I was single in college I was approached several times by a man who kept wanting to buy me a drink. I declined very politely several times, and told him finally I wasn''t interested. His response was to tell me "that''s ok, you''re kind of fat anyway."

I was a size 4 at the time, very tall, and definitely not "kind of fat." Still, it ticked me off...I had been nothing but polite and nice about his advances but the fact that I turned them down made him get downright nasty. My friends and I left right then without further ado.

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 7/23/2007 10:41:28 PM
Author: oshinbreez
Quite a few times. I usually look them head to toe then back up and tell them they don''t have anything I''d be interested in.

LMAO...I''m almost looking forward to a time when I can use that one! LOVE IT!!!

 

[diamondfan]

Monnie, can you say sour grapes? I mean, of all the dumb things to say...little man, take your rejection as gracefully as I tried to give it and please get the hint...eeuuww, some people are dense.

I am also someone who cannot always stand up for myself, but if I were made to feel uncomfortable I would certainly do something about it, not in a vicious way, but one that clearly made my feelings known.

When I was in high school, there was a boy who was in love with me. He was overweight and not very cool, and he decided I was ravishing and had to be his girl. He followed me around and ditched all of his classes just so he could be outside of mine when I left. He would peek in the class windows and seemed to be everywhere I was, it was a bit odd, but no one said stalker or anything back then. I tried to be friends with him but that just gave him ideas. He would follow me home, he lived a couple miles in the opposite direction, and it really bothered my friends who were with me when he would pop up. I never just could flat out say, NO, I do not like you that way, can we just be friends? because I felt bad. (he also told me he had leukemia and was going to die and could I just be his girlfriend so he could die having been with me...a total lie but I, being somewhat gullible, believed him). Time came when he was supposed to pass away, and I found out he had totally bs''d me, so I called his house and reamed him out for manipulating me that way. A couple years later we wound up being friends, I know he always had feelings for me, but we were able to hang out and laugh about things. But it was very tough for me, even when it spooked me, to really put my foot down. The world we live in now, I would NOT be afraid to make sure someone got my point, be it a stranger or someone I knew.

 

[Skippy123]

DF, I can't believe that happened to you and all his lying!!! I actually lmao about when it was time for him to pass, you were like what?!?!? I didn't mean to laugh but he sounded so crazy!!!! Glad you were able to be friends. I can't believe he wasn't embarassed?!

 

[monarch64]

Oh, DF, that is freaky about the guy telling you he was going to die!!! Glad to hear the whole thing turned out "ok."

Yes, the guy who told me I was kinda fat was completely dense...after 4-5 times of me telling him "no thank you, not interested," I think he was trying to save face in front of his friends even though I hadn't even been rude to him. I chalked it up to being in a bar for one thing, and him just not having any sense and having drank too much anyway. Ahh, sweet memories of college, LOL! Fortunately the situation didn't turn out any worse than it did, and I totally attribute that to my having been level headed enough at the time to take pains not to insult him even if he deserved it.

Also, I forgot to mention earlier that I agree with you that wearing an e-ring or wedding band doesn't necessarily act as a deterrent for some men...some have no regard for that symbol of commitment and just don't care anyway. Usually they're the same men with a tan line on their own ring finger, LOL!

ETA: I dated a guy in HS and broke up with him on what I thought were good terms. Next thing I knew, his mother was calling mine telling her that he had to stay home from school for a "mental health day" because I had broken his heart. Not the kind of attempt to get back together that a girl wants to hear...

it only made me feel sorry for him, and who is going to be attracted to someone they feel sorry for, especially in HS? It still makes me feel guilty even bringing it up, and I did nothing wrong!

 

[diamondfan]

My hubby does not wear a ring, and says that he thinks sometimes, a ring is like a red flag. He travels a lot for business and has seen it when they are out to dinner or meeting with people for drinks, and it seems like the guys with rings ON get a lot of attention. I think it is either because the pursuer feels it is "safe" since the guy is taken already, or maybe it is because if SOMEONE married them, they must be passable! Used to upset me that he doesn''t wear one, but he is not a jewelry person, barely likes to wear a watch, and honestly, there is trust or there is not, so I am fine with it.

Skippy, I never really asked if he felt embarrassed, but he did admit he was willing to try anything, and thought that might get him some desperation points. I was so totally the type to feel so bad about it, not that I would tell him I was his girlfriend, but it made me be nicer and he felt it would get him a chance if I spent time with him. He knew I was a pushover. His dad was a famous music producer and when they were making the movie about his life, he promised me I could be an extra in it. Not only did I do it, I made him put in all my friends too! I was not always nice about his affections, kinda of teased him about it, and boy, he did not like when I had a boyfriend, that was not comfortable. What is so odd is that these days, everyone would be saying stalker alert and really it would not be cool, but it was the 80''s and I guess we just did not really think that way. He was harmless, not sicko or mentally unwell, but boy, all four years of school he was like my shadow.

 

[oshinbreez]

Date: 7/24/2007 12:35:58 AM
Author: Harleigh

Date: 7/23/2007 10:41:28 PM

Author: oshinbreez

Quite a few times. I usually look them head to toe then back up and tell them they don''t have anything I''d be interested in.

LMAO...I''m almost looking forward to a time when I can use that one! LOVE IT!!!

If you do it, put a little laugh in there. It''s a big blow to their ego.

 

[diamondfan]

Oh, I almost (but not quite) feel sorry for some men. It takes a lot for some of them to approach a pretty girl, and if rejection is something they have dealt with a lot, it is tougher and tougher. I do not mind a pleasant approach, but some guys get creepy. Know when to leave a woman alone and exit, nothing is worse than someone creepy who is lurking about.

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 7/24/2007 1:37:41 AM
Author: oshinbreez

Date: 7/24/2007 12:35:58 AM
Author: Harleigh

Date: 7/23/2007 10:41:28 PM

Author: oshinbreez

Quite a few times. I usually look them head to toe then back up and tell them they don''t have anything I''d be interested in.

LMAO...I''m almost looking forward to a time when I can use that one! LOVE IT!!!

If you do it, put a little laugh in there. It''s a big blow to their ego.

That sounds almost cruel, in a funny sort of way! I''ll be sure to throw that in next time!

On another note, oshinbreez, I''ve been meaning to tell you for quite some time how much I love your signature...as an elementary school teacher, this is similar to something I say to the parents every year at Back-to-School Night...it amazes me how little parents actually interact with their tiny little first graders, and are surprised that I might encourage them to, heaven forbid, show their children a little love and respect.

These kids need so much love, and often school is the only place they get it. I greet my students with a quick hug in line every morning and before they walk out the door at the end of the day, and sometimes they hold on so tight, it makes me cry, because for many those are the only hugs or positive human contact they will get that day. Okay, getting a little weepy just thinking about how very sad that makes me...

So, I just wanted to say thanks for spreading the word...I hope it makes people think twice, and maybe hug their little ones at least once, if not several times each and every day...

 

[monarch64]

Coincidentally, I just checked my email and found this forwarded message:

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I''d rather have the money.
HE : I''m a photographer. I''ve been looking for a face
like yours.
SHE : I''m a plastic surgeon. I''ve been looking for a
face like yours.
HE : Hi. Didn''t we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must''ve been once. I never make the same mistake
twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must''ve been given your share.
HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I''m having a headache this weekend.
HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE : Go on ,don''t be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.
HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can''t talk and laugh at the same
time.
HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don''t you already have one?
HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I''ve already seen it.
HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.
HE : Haven''t I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That''s why I don''t go there anymore.
HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I''m a female impersonator.
HE : Hey baby, what''s your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.
HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.
HE : If I could see you naked, I''d die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I''d probably die laughing.

 

[diamondfan]

Some of those were pretty funny.

Not sure I would think of them in the moment, but made me laugh anyway!

 

[Harleigh]

OMG!!!

That was just great...I''m copying it and sending it to all my girlfriends for a chuckle, as well as to all the guys who think men like this give the good guys a bad name!

Thanks for sharing!

 

[monarch64]

LOL! I know, kind of weird that that message happened to pop into my email from a friend within the last couple hours! I''m the same, though, I never can come up with a clever response like those when the timing is right!

 

[monarch64]

Oh, and I''ve always thought the answer to "what''s your sign" should be "STOP!"

 

[oshinbreez]

te:[/b] 7/24/2007 1:47:54 AM
Author: Harleigh

That sounds almost cruel, in a funny sort of way! I''ll be sure to throw that in next time!


On another note, oshinbreez, I''ve been meaning to tell you for quite some time how much I love your signature...as an elementary school teacher, this is similar to something I say to the parents every year at Back-to-School Night...it amazes me how little parents actually interact with their tiny little first graders, and are surprised that I might encourage them to, heaven forbid, show their children a little love and respect.


These kids need so much love, and often school is the only place they get it. I greet my students with a quick hug in line every morning and before they walk out the door at the end of the day, and sometimes they hold on so tight, it makes me cry, because for many those are the only hugs or positive human contact they will get that day. Okay, getting a little weepy just thinking about how very sad that makes me...


So, I just wanted to say thanks for spreading the word...I hope it makes people think twice, and maybe hug their little ones at least once, if not several times each and every day...[/quote]

I hate to admit it, but I can be cruel at times.

Sometimes you have to.

Thanks. I''m glad you like it. I''m surprised you''re allowed to hug the kids. My daughter taught 2nd & 3rd graders, and wasn''t allowed too. Sometimes she''d give them a one arm hug around the shoulders....and that was pushing it as far as being permissible.

I worked with juvenile girls, and it hurt so bad that we couldn''t give them a hug when they needed one. It was a complete "no-touch" institution. It was so sad not being able to show them any kind of affection.

 

[diamondfan]

While I get it generally, honestly, sometimes a little hug or human warmth is so called for. Shame we live in a world were the exceptions rule us rather than the the rule being more valued.

 

[oshinbreez]

Lol....love them Monarch.

 

[Haven]

It depends on the situation. If it''s a man who I won''t ever see again, I either ignore him or look him dead in the eye and say something snarky enough to make him shrink away with his tail between his legs.

If it''s a coworker or something like that, I tell him flat out that I am not interested, thank you very much. I like to say things like "I''m sorry, you must have confused our relationship for something other than a professional one. I''m not interested in you outside of work, and I''d prefer if you treated me with the same respect I show you." I had an issue with a string of coworkers last year, it''s like the new girl on the block has to endure being hit on by all the single men in the building. Yuck.

The best are the guys at the gym who come over and try to "help" me life weights correctly. That''s when I get to say "Um, I used to be a personal trainer and I''m a trained martial artist--I know, I know, I have breasts, but they don''t interfere my thinking like you seem to believe." I like to tell my students I''m a Human Weapon.

Icky men.

Oshin--I''m SO going to use your line next time. And we can''t touch kids at all in my district, either. I mean, not even a pat on the back. It''s hard because kids want a hug sometimes and you have be all "Um, why don''t I give you a pass to the social worker?" It makes me feel like such a cold person.

Amber--I can''t believe that happened to you in high school. In my school a teacher would be hauled of by armed police officers if he said something like that. Ew.

Monarch--LOVE those comebacks!

 

[Harleigh]

oshinbreez...

I start the morning off with the half-hug out in line, but it''s really the child''s choice at the end of the day...I would never push a child wanting a hug away, regardless of what the rules say, I guess. I am always so cautious of it in this day and age, but I began doing it almost 11 years ago when I first started teaching, and it has been one of the most rewarding parts of my job...us teachers need love, too, I guess, and most of our teachers feel the same way!

I guess until they tie my hands behind my back, I''ll keep it up, but it is definitely not an easy thing to do. My mom (also a teacher at an independent HS) can''t believe I still hug my kids and allow them to hug me, but some of my kids need the human contact way more than I need to worry about getting in trouble for it...but I''m sure that day is coming, too soon, I''m afraid.

 

[Samantha Red]

I once had a male co-worker tell me that the only thing wrong with my legs was that they were not wrapped around his neck. I can''t put in print what my reply was, and I would like to think he has never said anything like it to a woman since.

I am not sure why men feel the need to do this, perhaps it is a form of indimidation, pathetic. I think show them you are not intimidated.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Men here harass you daily, so I've had more inappropriate things said to me in the last 12 months than in the last 23 years.

My favorite reaction so far is my friend E's. A *police officer* made a lewd remark to her--

E: "Oh, that's nice." [pulls out notebook from purse and starts ostentatiously writing something]
Policeman: "What are you doing?!!"
E: "I'm writing down the time of day, the number on your uniform, and where you are so I can call your superior officer and tell him just how you treat young American women on the street."
Policeman: [finally!] Ok, ok, fine! I'm sorry.


Usually telling men I am married works...but I had to tell one guy that my husband would beat me if he saw me with another man before he stopped following me. The really sad part is that this is still a normal enough occurence that he believed me and apologized in case he had gotten me into trouble.


I think that non-reacting sounds good in principle, but it ends up just teaching them it is fun and they can get away with it. We had a waiter in a restaurant tell us recently "Oh, it's normal,you're young pretty girls, don't you want the attention?" Um, NO. Being followed for blocks by 20somethings making lewd remarks=NOT FUN FOR ME. Being leery of taking even a simple walk alone=NOT FUN.

Recently in Tangiers this young man followed me for what must have been 30 mins. I asked him to go away in Arabic and in French. Finally I turned around and in English (on a crowded street) said loudly "I ASKED you nicely. Please. Leave. Me. Alone." No one understood a word I said, but he must have gotten the message because he left me alone after that!

I actually have used the talking-in-English approach a few times, it seems to work because I get a very clear "tone" across. I did call a 14 year old a a**&^! once though, not one of my better moments:

Him: In French: Hey...how are you my gazelle, do you want to f*** with me today??
Me: In English: [very calm, conversational voice] You know, you're an a****$%.
Him: Quoi? [but happy because I reacted at all]
Me: You know, a a***$*(. Your mother should be ashamed of you. If I was your mother, I would certainly be ashamed.
Him: *looks more and more confused*
Me: In fact, I'm going to tell Abdul (my landlord) to TELL your mother that you are an a**$(. Goodbye.

Annnd he got so confused he just wandered off.

ETA: Sorry for the rant! Sometimes I have to get it out of my system. To be fair I've felt less actually *threatened* here than in America, but much more annoyed on a daily basis. I've never had a professor or coworker make inappropriate remarks in the States, just the odd homeless guy or schoolmate in high school.

 

[nytemist]

More times than I can count. All relating to my chest. I developed early and it was bad when men (maybe around 18, 19, 20) would make comments to me about how nice they were when I was about 12, 13. Most of the time, some moron will lean in and ask "hey are those real?" I''ve had men ask if they can touch them, some joke "hey, can I can walk around and hold them up for you?" I say something mean and keep walking. I usually insult their lack of intelligence. Though I did say to someone one once that they act like this to make up for their small ....... (I was at a bar with friends and they guy looked like he was going to start crying).

The worst I will always remember was when I was waiting for a friend of mine at a bar before going to dinner. Man sits down next to me and starts talking sports, as I was watching the football game on the tv. His buddy comes over like ten minutes later on his other side and asks "whay are you talking to that one? She''s a beast." Guy talking to me says to him, "yeah I know but I''m hoping if she drinks enough I''ll get to see her boobs later." I guess they thought there were quiet enough that I would hear them, but I did. It was horribly insulting yes, but they sounded so, so dumb and immature I couldn''t help but start laughing.

Monarch, the whole theory of not wanting to offend anyone since women are raised to always be polite is the reason why these kind of men do things like this. They figure ''she won''t say anything back, I can be a jacka** just for kicks.'' Especially if you are not 5''10", 90lbs and gorgeous model types. Woman like me are always targets because men think we should be grateful that ANYONE is giving us attetion; that we are desperate to be hit on.

I say to respond with the most evil thing you can come up with. If you cut them off at the knees the first time, they probably won''t try it with you again. Sad to say, for a lot of guys, silence means permission.

 

[rainbowtrout]

nytemist, how ridiculous is that. People are amazingly rude and crass. There are a range of bodies that are beautiful and healthy and they are NOT all 5''10 and 90 pounds!! Those men should ask themselves, if you are so "repulsive," why are they attracted to you??

Dan Savage totally smashed a man for acting like this in a recent column: [WARNING: if you are easily offended by cursing or frank discussion of sex, do not click on that link!!]

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=255893


I too "developed early" but had to deal with rude comments from other *women* instead who "helpfully" suggest that "you really should get them reduced dearie, it''s better for your back" or "oh my, isn''t that just so painful/vulgar/slatternly." I always thing--Honey, there is no WAY I am cutting parts of my body to satisfy your little Victoria''s Secret 34C image of what a woman "should" look like. It''s total crap.

I have honestly only ever had one or two men make comments to my face about my chest, and one of these was prank callers at bio camp in 9th grade, and I give those boys a free pass. I''m not sure what the difference is, it may be that people just don''t notice it/me as much.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 7/23/2007 10:41:03 PM
Author: diamondfan
There have been many times, and it really depends on my mood. I have been silent and gotten out of there, I have acted dumb like I did not get his point, I have just deflected...as in, a man once said to me, ''Oh, here is my number, call me when you are in the area, I would love to take you out to do X.'' I say, ''Oh, great, my husband and I love to do that!'' End of conversation. But really, it depends on my mood, since I am not typically confrontational but still will open my mouth when need be. If I really feel uncomfortable and it is someone I might keep seeing, I would set things straight for sure.

lol You and I are a lot alike in this respect. It totally depends on my mood, and the circumstances.


I think one of the best (and most outrageous) comments I ever responded with was the time a newer bartender at a club we frequent told me he was going to be with me someday. (mind you I''m married at the time and my hubby was a few feet away)

I just looked at him and said, "Yeah? Well, get in line".

That was the end of it, lmao.

 

[Skippy123]

Ellen, I like what you told that man about getting in line. hehehe

DiamondFan,
You story reminded me of some dork in high shool that harrassed me!

This one guy was older than me and he would get so happy to see me. I didn't know what to do so I ignore him in the halls. Well one day my mom, sis and me went to the grocery store and he was a grocery bagger there. We were walking down the aisle and he came down the aisle and said "I LOVE Skippy!" I was in shock and my mom looked at me like what did you do to get that guy to say that!

I grew up with stict parents so I was horrified he would say that!

Then another time we went shopping and I hated seeing him so this time I decided to hide in the car while my mom and sister went shopped. I sat int he care and did homework so I could hide from creepy! Well, it didn't work; he banged on the window. I hide under the seat. I was so glad when he graduated and left school! bleh.

I actually think boys hormones are all messed up (developing) during high shcool up so they are a little weird.

 

[nytemist]

I agree RT. I think it''s men who tried to hit on the hot chicks and they said get lost, so he will talk to the ''other'' chicks just to see if he can get some action. It amazes me; some guys have no problem at all being as mean as they can and try to hurt someone''s feelings. I have the armor for that now, a young teen not so much. I was already a 32c by 13.

I have gotten a few comments from women, either the mumbled ''how much did she pay for those'' or ''you should get them reduced so you don''t loook like a tramp'' or I''ll get the angry stare since I''m way bigger than they are (especially if their man notices) But majority of actual remarks are from men.

Hey guys, I''m not bashing you all, but some...

PS- I LOVE the Savage Love articles. They run in a weekly paper here in Boston too.

 

[oshinbreez]

I realized that the more I''d blush, get offended, or ignore them, the more they would continue. That''s why I''ve learned to handle them the way I do. And rings on the left hand don''t make a difference to them. In fact, sometimes it encourages them.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 7/24/2007 11:26:18 AM
Author: Skippy123
Ellen, I like what you told that man about getting in line. hehehe

DiamondFan,
You story reminded me of some dork in high shool that harrassed me!

This one guy was older than me and he would get so happy to see me. I didn''t know what to do so I ignore him in the halls. Well one day my mom, sis and me went to the grocery store and he was a grocery bagger there. We were walking down the aisle and he came down the aisle and said ''I LOVE Skippy!'' I was in shock and my mom looked at me like what did you do to get that guy to say that!

I grew up with stict parents so I was horrified he would say that!

Then another time we went shopping and I hated seeing him so this time I decided to hide in the car while my mom and sister went shopped. I sat int he care and did homework so I could hide from creepy! Well, it didn''t work; he banged on the window. I hide under the seat. I was so glad when he graduated and left school! bleh.

I actually think boys hormones are all messed up (developing) during high shcool up so they are a little weird.

I don''t think it''s just boys.

Not to say ALL men are like this, I guess some just never grow up.

 

[crystalheart1]

Oh Boy.. I had a wierd experience a few years back. I was talking to a man at a very nice, upscale night club. He was sweet, and interesting. A short time later a very angry looking small man came over to his friend to say a few things.

He then looked me up and down and blurted out "so what do YOU do for a living" ( I later found out he had made some money from a little hole in the wall pizza stand ). He was so rude. I said I really don''t think that is any of your concern and very forward to ask.

He turned to his friend as said " what a bit** ".. she has a bad personality - I walked away. A little time later the friend walked back over and asked me to dance - with out even apologizing for his friend...no thanks

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 7/24/2007 11:48:29 AM
Author: Ellen
I don''t think it''s just boys.

Not to say ALL men are like this, I guess some just never grow up.

True!! Monnie your pick up lines and response are cute! I just couldn''t say those things; I am not fiesty enough (I wish). hehehe