Heartbroken and confused....

[Tuckins1]

I am so sorry you had to go through that. That''s really cruel, to put the ring on your finger, just to take it away!?! He does not sound mature enough to be making long term, life decisions, so it''s better that you guys DIDN''T go for it. I say, no mater how much it hurts, break it off clean and move on. That kind of emotional swings and emotional abuse is not healthy, or normal. You deserve to be happy and have someone in your life who will treat you like a queen!

 

[Porridge]

Oh honey, that is so mean {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

You definitely made the right choice - good for you! Best of luck for the future!

 

[Definitely. Maybe]

I am so incredibly sorry this happened to you. BIG HUGS and I wish you the best, you truely deserve it. Always remember that.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/20/2009 5:38:48 PM
Author: heraanderson

Date: 1/20/2009 5:20:27 PM

Author: tlh

My heart BREAKS for you.

I come from a military family. The military can change people. It just does. They get emotionally abused, and think it is okay to do so to their loved ones... it is a long and hard road.



You made comments that he is not the same person that you fell in love with, and I would seriously think about what a blessing this is... in disguise. Your story of the un-proposal is one of the most HURTFUL things someone can do to someone. That is HORRIBLE, and honestly unforgiveable. I know you''ve wanted this for sooo long... but not like that, never like that.



There are some things that an apology cannot undo. That is hurtful and painful, and intentionally mean. Put on your goodbye pants, and never look back. He''ll regret losing you for the rest of his life... but you''ll regret staying with him for the rest of yours.



Dont get botox from him. Seriously. HUGS! You are a wonderful person, and deserve better.


Because when/ if he proposes for real... you''ll always remember the ''psych!''



I hope that this eases your pain... and that you don''t cry any more tears!

Well I certainly disagree that the military abuses people making them abuse their loved ones!!!!!!!!!!


It is true, however, that the military changes people and especially a deployment. The service members spend six months not touching people and not having close relationships with people and they get very used to it. Every time my husband comes home from a deployment (we''re on our 4th), he comes home slightly detached emotionally. It takes about 3 weeks to a month for him to return to normal.

Some service members don''t return to normal and significant others will find that the deployment just changed their perspectives and their goals (including them). What this man did to you was terrible and echoes what happened to two of my close friends upon return of a deployment. They did not get presented a ring, though, because that is just horrible.


I''m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you feel better eventually, but al least you didn''t marry him and he''s being upfront. If you make up (which I don''t think you should do), I would definitely not move to be with him.

I just have to say something here. I think it is a lame excuse to blame not having someone to touch on his behavior when the girl is going through the exact same thing. Yeah she may not be doing the same job as him but that doesn''t mean she isn''t lonely as well. Yeah she''s in a completely different environment but it''s still not an excuse. I dated someone that was over in iraq for awhile and that was not the situation at all. Pleased don''t take offense but I felt this needed to be said...

 

[Lauren8211]

I am simply speechless. I can''t imagine under what circumstances someone who supposedly loves you thinks it would be OK to treat you in such a cruel, heartless manner.

I am SO sorry this happened to you. ((((((HUGS)))))))

Judging from this post, it sounds like this was a blessing in disguise, although I realize that probably isn''t too comforting right now. You WILL get through this, and you''ll take with it the experience to find someone who loves you and can''t wait to marry you.

The LIWs are always here to support you, even if you''re not on the list. So don''t be a stranger.

Good Luck, honey.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Oh, I am crying my eyes out just reading your post. I can only imagine how you must feel. Sweetie, NO ONE deserves such cruel treatment, especially someone as sweet as you are. And that''s exactly what his behavior was-- cruel and immature. It is one thing to not be ready but playing emotional mindgames with someone you are supposed to love is ridiculous behavior.

You will get through this, and know you are doing the right thing. You deserve better and you are absolutely right that you deserve someone who is as crazy about you as you are about them. Don''t settle!

 

[Bliss]

I am so sorry... and also so proud of you for being so strong. You gave him your heart. You did nothing but love him. I''m so sorry that this happened and wanted to tell you that you should have all the happiness you deserve. (HUGS)

 

[Thomperchik]

Date: 1/20/2009 7:09:34 PM
Author: LadyluvsLuxury
Thomperchik I commend you for having enough self-respect and self-love to walk way now. No matter how much you are hurting now, I would not let him see that hurt. Let him see what a strong, independent, loving, and caring woman he lost. Unfortunately, sometimes people have to hit a low before they can really appreciate what is important in life. I bet if you don''t give him the time of day, he will come crawling back to you (at that point you will have to do some self-searching and decide what you really want). Save your tears for your friends, family or whomever you feel comfortable with; and continue to know your self-worth. Remember, often times what a person tolerates at the start of their relationship sets precedent for what their SO think they can get away with down the road.

As much as you do not want to hear it now. Time does heal all wounds, and there is DEFINITELY someone out there that will be just as crazy for you as you are for them and that doesn''t mean loving you at only XX pounds, but loving you at your best and your worse because we ALL go through both extremes in a lifetime.

Goodluck to you!

All - Thank you so much for all the sweet comments! I can''t even tell you how hard it is to be rejected by the person you love the most. But like many of you said, maybe this happen for a reason. Hopefully I will start to heal soon.

Again, thank you all for the positive comments.

P.S. I don''t want to talk to him, but if he ever crawls back I''m sure he''ll feel the same way I''m feeling now - rejected.

 

[Hera]

Date: 1/20/2009 8:43:52 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles

Date: 1/20/2009 5:38:48 PM

Author: heraanderson

Date: 1/20/2009 5:20:27 PM


Author: tlh


My heart BREAKS for you.

I come from a military family. The military can change people. It just does. They get emotionally abused, and think it is okay to do so to their loved ones... it is a long and hard road.




You made comments that he is not the same person that you fell in love with, and I would seriously think about what a blessing this is... in disguise. Your story of the un-proposal is one of the most HURTFUL things someone can do to someone. That is HORRIBLE, and honestly unforgiveable. I know you''ve wanted this for sooo long... but not like that, never like that.




There are some things that an apology cannot undo. That is hurtful and painful, and intentionally mean. Put on your goodbye pants, and never look back. He''ll regret losing you for the rest of his life... but you''ll regret staying with him for the rest of yours.




Dont get botox from him. Seriously. HUGS! You are a wonderful person, and deserve better.



Because when/ if he proposes for real... you''ll always remember the ''psych!''




I hope that this eases your pain... and that you don''t cry any more tears!

Well I certainly disagree that the military abuses people making them abuse their loved ones!!!!!!!!!!



It is true, however, that the military changes people and especially a deployment. The service members spend six months not touching people and not having close relationships with people and they get very used to it. Every time my husband comes home from a deployment (we''re on our 4th), he comes home slightly detached emotionally. It takes about 3 weeks to a month for him to return to normal.


Some service members don''t return to normal and significant others will find that the deployment just changed their perspectives and their goals (including them). What this man did to you was terrible and echoes what happened to two of my close friends upon return of a deployment. They did not get presented a ring, though, because that is just horrible.



I''m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you feel better eventually, but al least you didn''t marry him and he''s being upfront. If you make up (which I don''t think you should do), I would definitely not move to be with him.

I just have to say something here. I think it is a lame excuse to blame not having someone to touch on his behavior when the girl is going through the exact same thing. Yeah she may not be doing the same job as him but that doesn''t mean she isn''t lonely as well. Yeah she''s in a completely different environment but it''s still not an excuse. I dated someone that was over in iraq for awhile and that was not the situation at all. Pleased don''t take offense but I felt this needed to be said...

WOW! That''s so not what I was saying! I''m not giving him an excuse as there is no excuse for treating someone so poorly. I don''t think that his deciding that he didn''t want to be together is what was so wrong, it is how he did it that makes his behavior inexcusable and has nothing to do with military life. It was terribly wrong to bring out a ring and present it and take it off and to write that e-mail next to her.

What I was trying to explain was that military deployments do change people and it can bring breakups and what not. Also, It''s true that the service member''s significant other stays and gets lonely, but they are usually surrounded by a support system such as family and friends making their experience slightly different than the service member on deployment.

Once again, I do not condone nor do I give his bad behavior an excuse. Rather, I am trying to provide perspective into what some may experience from a military deployment.

 

[BlueSki231]

oh my god I''m so sorry to hear that you are going through this.. what he did was AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL

Why would he even bother to put the ring on you and taunt you like that! OMG I''m outraged!!

As everyone else said you deserve soo much better and you will find a great love who just can''t wait to marry you!

I know this must be SUCH a hard time for you, but you sound strong and I''m glad you feel empowered enough to know not to take him back!

oh my.. what else can I say.. it will just take time.

Hang in there...

 

[SparklyLibra]

Date: 1/20/2009 7:09:34 PM
Author: LadyluvsLuxury
Thomperchik I commend you for having enough self-respect and self-love to walk way now. No matter how much you are hurting now, I would not let him see that hurt. Let him see what a strong, independent, loving, and caring woman he lost. Unfortunately, sometimes people have to hit a low before they can really appreciate what is important in life. I bet if you don''t give him the time of day, he will come crawling back to you (at that point you will have to do some self-searching and decide what you really want). Save your tears for your friends, family or whomever you feel comfortable with; and continue to know your self-worth. Remember, often times what a person tolerates at the start of their relationship sets precedent for what their SO think they can get away with down the road.


As much as you do not want to hear it now. Time does heal all wounds, and there is DEFINITELY someone out there that will be just as crazy for you as you are for them and that doesn''t mean loving you at only XX pounds, but loving you at your best and your worse because we ALL go through both extremes in a lifetime.


Goodluck to you!

I couldn''t have said it better myself. Thomper, you really did do the best thing for you and I''m proud of you for that. I''m gonna add my (((((((HUGS)))))) to the bandwagon. Head high, chin up, shoulders back whenever you do see or talk to him. If you wanna break down and cry go right on ahead, we all need to sometimes. Just don''t let him see you down. Keep your head up sweetie and take the time to do ''you''. All the best.

 

[Kitiaral]

Oh! I can only imagine the pain you are feeling right now. I'm sorry...but he's a jerk! You deserve way better. I was with a bf for 2 years and WE talked marriage a lot, but he was lying the whole time and ended up cheating on me. He was leading me on that he would be engaged to me so that I would stick around. I never found out why. I stayed with him b/c I didn't think I could do any better and I was so wrong! You are so strong for walking. I, being the moron that i was, waited around for him and it just ended up hurting way more that it should've. I made a complete fool of myself and still cringe when I think about it.

Anyway, good for you to walk away and keep your pride. The things he did, teasing you with the ring/fake proposal and writing that e-mail, are unforgivable. No one who loves someone does that! After my ex I thought (also my first love) that there was no one else that I could possibly be with. 6 months later I met a wonderful man who treats me like a queen and I happy every single day of my life.

Forget about him, Honey. Don't move with him. Don't even talk with him because he will persuade you to stay. You will find yourself in the coming months and find your strength. And then you will meet someone that treats you like you deserve to be treated.

I feel for you b/c I kinda know how you feel. Keep busy. Spend time on YOU! You can do this. Leave him behind. I'm sorry if I'm coming off as too strong, but I can't believe what he did to you and I'm so angry right now. You poor thing! Give it time and you will see that it is the best decision for youi.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 1/20/2009 6:15:57 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 1/20/2009 6:13:26 PM

Author: LaraOnline

This is the saddest story I''ve read in ages.

Ditto.


I have no advice to give other than to please take some time for yourself and I hope everything turns out for the best.


Oh and I also wanted to add that hurrah for you. So many people go through these moments and they stay. For what? I have no idea. But you were so strong in recognizing that this was wrong. That really is an awesome LIW moment.

Ditto, I also have to add he sounds like an A-Grade A-HOLE.

Congratulations to YOU for being SMART enough and LOVING yourself enough to know to walk away and not put up with this.

You deserve better and it is out there just waiting for you.

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

hey thomperchik.. military gf/wife #3 chiming in here.. hehe

... I''m so sorry for what you had to go through but, honestly, thank god you''re independent, intelligent, and strong enough to see so clearly that this man is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated.

Regardless of his deployment, his actions with the proposal were uncalled for and unforgivable. Deployment effects everyone differently but if you go into it a good person you dont come out of it a bad person, this was truly a blessing in disguise. Its not normal to go from talking about marriage prior to deployment to barely showing affection upon return from deployment. Youre doing the right thing.

Please remember you''re leaving this relationship taking so much more knowledge and growth with you then he will ever get out of it. There are so many deployed men out there who would consider it a blessing to have someone at home waiting for them and the way he reacted has nothing to do with you. I have no doubt that you will soon attract someone who sees you for all youre worth. Keep your chin up

We''re all here for you!

 

[iheartscience]

I''m sorry to hear about how horribly he''s treated you but I''m so glad you''re moving on. It''s obviously the right thing for you. You deserve so much better and I''m glad you know that!

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/20/2009 7:09:34 PM
Author: LadyluvsLuxury
Thomperchik I commend you for having enough self-respect and self-love to walk way now. No matter how much you are hurting now, I would not let him see that hurt. Let him see what a strong, independent, loving, and caring woman he lost. Unfortunately, sometimes people have to hit a low before they can really appreciate what is important in life. I bet if you don''t give him the time of day, he will come crawling back to you (at that point you will have to do some self-searching and decide what you really want). Save your tears for your friends, family or whomever you feel comfortable with; and continue to know your self-worth. Remember, often times what a person tolerates at the start of their relationship sets precedent for what their SO think they can get away with down the road.

As much as you do not want to hear it now. Time does heal all wounds, and there is DEFINITELY someone out there that will be just as crazy for you as you are for them and that doesn''t mean loving you at only XX pounds, but loving you at your best and your worse because we ALL go through both extremes in a lifetime.

Goodluck to you!

And a BIG ditto to this!

 

[katica]

I read your story and I, like everyone else, think you deserve way better. You''re being really strong, you should feel proud of that! You shouldn''t take that kind of behaviour from anyone. I feel sad that this has happened to you, and I hope you really feel better soon. It won''t be easy but you''ll see that with time, you''ll be much happier.

 

[mrscushion]

I am so, so sorry, Thomperchik. Your story is heart-wrenching and made me so sad. What he did is absolutely inexcusable. You deserve so much better and I know there is someone in your future who will love you crazily, unconditionally. I think that deployment probably did change your ex-boyfriend and he is indeed no longer the person you fell in love with and thought you knew. I am glad you have the courage to walk away. Don''t ever look back.

 

[tlh]

Hereaanderson- I think that I may have been not entirely clear. I was not meaning to imply that the military makes men wife beaters, or anything of the sorts. But I can say that when a man goes in, ESP. basic training, they break their spirit. THEY DO. This however does not apply to ROTC. I have a family member that went this route, and he saw a completely different version of the Army than did my bro who was a grunt, and who was deployed. Different branches of the military also break their men differently... and I am not saying anything bad, I am just not one to experience this myself.

The military makes men out of boys, and I believe they do wonderful things- and I have the greatest respect for those men that put their lives on the line, to protect me. But it does change them. They see horrible things, and those things are hard to forget.

Now when they are there, you are something sweet, that brings them through the darkest hour. Now some men come back, and marry their sweetie because they want to hold onto that sweetness. My brother did exactly that and is happily married with a daughter. He never looked back, he never waivered. He is the sweetest person in the world, and loves his family with all his heart. But he would tell you first hand how it has changed him. It made him realize what was important and stop d!cking around.

Some men, don''t do that. They feel like they are in a YES SIR! world and want to be as far away from anything with order, anything with rules structure, confinement, or commitment. These guys relish coming home, and go out drinking with their buddies, and off to strip clubs, and are gentlemen, but lets not kid ourselves, they want to get their rocks off.

I don''t know where your man falls into this... and I think he may be confused. The military does that A LOT. And They MESS WITH YOUR MINDS WHEN YOU ARE GOING INTO DEPLOYMENT. They''ll wake you up at 2 am screaming you are going to Korea- lets GO! and then 2 hours later say... false alarm go back to the barracks. Then the following morning at 4 AM SCREAM we are going to IRAQ LETS GO! and then blah blah blah.

It is a lot to go through knowing you''re putting your life on the line. I had a dear friend die while overseas fighting for our country back in 2006. He was just a boy. 20 years old. He was a marine, and my heart still mourns his passing.

Now what your boyfriend did by putting the ring on your finger was saying, I think I want this... but by taking it off was saying, I think I don''t. Then the email, though T didn''t get the full context was enough for her to feel strung along. Nursing him through the rough times, so she can be discarded w/ his 2 weeks of freedom. He very well could have vocalized these feelings, without the need for the big show of the ring... THAT IS HURTFUL, and IMHO UNFORGIVEBALE!

Now what I was saying is basically, Thomperchick, this is a gut check time. It is about YOU, not about HIM. Will YOU ever be able to forgive and forget this? Can you continue to sit on the back burner of YOUR LIFE while he is out there fighting for his, WITHOUT any real committment when he is with you in person. Can you continue to put your life on hold, for him? I think a break is a good thing for you. Not for HIM to think about what HE wants... but for YOU to evaluate what YOU want. Write it down, and come to him and discuss. Only YOU know the right thing to do for YOU. Whatever that is.. you know us PSers will support you through it.

My heart goes out to you. This is that yo-yo of life... one of its downs, followed by one of its ups. Best of luck to you, in this soul searching journey. HUGS!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Thomperchik, I am very, very sorry. I know how painful that must have been for you--how awful that you had to go through that.

To be honest, I think that he is very confused about what he wants right now. I think the fact that he bought the ring and was clearly torn about putting it on your finger (it seemed that in a way he wanted to, but fear and cold feet won that battle), shows how confused he is right now.

His fear has nothing to do with you. It''s something he needs to face on his own, without you by his side. If he is going to make the transition from boy to man, he needs to do it independently. As others pointed out, the fact that you have enough self-respect to walk away speaks volumes--it was absolutely the right thing to do. Nobody''s life is more valuable than your own and you need to focus on yourself while he figures out his own issues.

My husband proposed to me before he was ready and it was a mess which spurred me to move out, change my number and stick to no contact while he saught therapy to get over his personal issues. (unbeknownst to me). At the time it was a very painful, though looking back it was a very healthy thing for both of us.

You are going to be a happy, healthy, fabulous woman no matter what and I''m so glad that you were able to stick up for yourself and not be jerked around by his confusion! I wish you the best, I know you will be absolutely fine!

 

[Bia]

How terrible. I can''t even imagine how hurt you must feel...

I am glad to read, though, that you are strong enough to take care of yourself, and did not let this man take away your pride or your self-respect. He does not deserve you. Not because he''s not "ready," but because he''s an inconsiderate and immature individual--he isn''t man enough to handle a woman like you. So really, its his loss (as cliché as it sounds, it is very very true).

It won''t be easy getting over someone you thought you''d marry, but in the end, it will be the best thing you ever did because it will open you up to new and fun adventures and even better possibilities. Some of which will end in finding the love you so deserve.

Take care of yourself sweetheart. ((hugs))

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

My fiance and I went through four years of "oh I want to be with you... oh maybe I don''t," and "I want to marry you someday... or maybe I never want to be married," and "It''s so nice to have you back at home to support me... or maybe I need to be single while I''m in the Navy" I bet if I had a tape recorder of his conversations with his Navy buddies, I''d find some tapes going on and on about how much he loves me, but I''d also find some old tapes talking about how he doesn''t want to get married ever.


blah, whatever. He was cold and distant at times, and the indecisiveness and ambivalence REALLY REALLY hurt, but you know what? He was ALWAYS honest and respectful. He eventually "grew up" (and so did I) and became the most steady, loving and affectionate man I can imagine. However, if he had ever pulled that stunt of putting a ring on my finger and taking it off, there is no way I would ever have given him the time to finish growing up. That is the most awful and disrespectful thing I can imagine, and I am so so so so sorry that he did that to you. I am proud of you for walking away. You will find someone who treats you with respect and kindness and whom you love even more than you can imagine.

 

[stephbolt]

I''m so sorry you are going through this. Ditto to everyone else who said what he did with the ring was especially cruel and that you deserve to be treated so much better. Good luck!

 

[Sha]

I agree that the military changes people, and his behaviour now might be a result of that. You said he''s so different from how he was before...he''s not the same person who you fell in love with. I''d bet his experiences abroad had something to do it. I did some studies recently on Trauma and Post tramutic stress, and I remember reading that military families often expect their loved ones to fit right back into civilian life when they return.. picking up right back where they left off - emotionally and socially. But it''s really difficult, because the military experience is so far removed from civilian life, not to mention all the horrors and physical and emotional anguish that the officers experience. It''s a completely different way of functioning. Their minds become accustomed to dealing with very charged, high stress, frightful environments (in which they always have to be hypervigilant to protect themselves and their troops), and many don''t know how to "cope" or deal with normal life (without those stresses) when they return. And they often feel disconnected from their family and friends - because they''ve been through experiences that their loved ones just can''t relate to. Plus, many officers have to deal with posttraumatic stress and trying to process all the experiences of military life when they return.

 

[Erin]

Here are five things NOT to do if you are breaking away from him and mean it. I''m not trying to judge the person you are, or how strong you are. I just mention them because these thoughts have creeped into my mind whenever I tried breaking it off with someone I really loved.

1) Pretending you don''t want anything serious either and keep on sleeping with the man "casually" in hopes that things will grow from the "physical relationship"

2) Staying close to him by trying to become his "best friend" as you help him in his life and with his problems - all the while imagining the "payoff" of a real relationship for your good deeds once he recognizes how great you are

3) Trying to make him jealous by telling him you''re seeing other guys, even if you''re not. Or going out with other guys and doing things with them not because you like them, but because you want him to find out and want you back

4) Getting mad at him and telling him he''s dumb, immature, and acting like a little BOY... and that he''s just scared of a real relationship and a commitment - and then trying to get him to have a relationship with you to "fix" himself

5) Trying to make him interested in you by complimenting him, doing nice things for him, taking up things he''s interested in to be around him... and being available to him at anytime he should show interest. This is kind of like trying to be his "best friend," but different since it''s often still sexual.

The best thing would be to just walk away and start planning your life. The only person that matters right now is you and your well being.

 

[KatM]

I am so sorry you''re going through this. Not to hijack your thread, but something similar happened to me. About a year ago I (innocently) ran across an instant message that bf left open where he told a friend of his that he would rather be with someone else. He was asking his friend how to break up with me. I was incredibly hurt, mostly because he hadn''t been honest with me, had talked to someone else instead. We broke up that day. There was no fighting, I just said that I deserved to be with someone who wanted to be with me and only me. He agreed and I went home. I made a point of ending on good terms, mostly just because I didn''t want him to be able to blame me for anything, or to decide that breaking up was a good thing. I wanted him to feel the full responsibility of what had happened.

For several months we didn''t talk at all. Every time I wanted to call him upset, I spoke to a friend instead. When we finally began to speak again, he was still wishy washy about what he wanted. I blocked him on facebook, aim, etc because it was so hard. I finally said that if he didn''t want to be with me, then we couldn''t even be friends because it was too difficult for me. After about a week of that he realized that it was me he wanted. Ever since then, he''s been a different person. I''ve never seen him so caring and committed. I don''t think any of that could have happened if I had done anything differently than I did.

I think the reason things worked out was because I eventually realized that I would be ok without him. I was ok before he came, and I would continue to be ok even if we were never together again. I didn''t need him, but I wanted him in my life.

Whatever happens, you''ll be ok. It''ll suck majorly, but it sounds like you deserve better than someone who would treat you like this. Demand better treatment than this, whether it''s from him if you get back together or from the next guy. I''m so sorry, please continue to post if you need support.

 

[gorri8]

Here is a hug! Remember this was a blessing in disguise... he is out there and you will bump into him one day... and he will be so wonderful!

 

[bee*]

I''m so sorry to read your post. Stay strong and sending hugs. What he did was awful. You deserve better.

 

[Hera]

Date: 1/21/2009 8:44:39 AM
Author: tlh
Hereaanderson- I think that I may have been not entirely clear. I was not meaning to imply that the military makes men wife beaters, or anything of the sorts. But I can say that when a man goes in, ESP. basic training, they break their spirit. THEY DO. This however does not apply to ROTC. I have a family member that went this route, and he saw a completely different version of the Army than did my bro who was a grunt, and who was deployed. Different branches of the military also break their men differently... and I am not saying anything bad, I am just not one to experience this myself.


The military makes men out of boys, and I believe they do wonderful things- and I have the greatest respect for those men that put their lives on the line, to protect me. But it does change them. They see horrible things, and those things are hard to forget.


Now when they are there, you are something sweet, that brings them through the darkest hour. Now some men come back, and marry their sweetie because they want to hold onto that sweetness. My brother did exactly that and is happily married with a daughter. He never looked back, he never waivered. He is the sweetest person in the world, and loves his family with all his heart. But he would tell you first hand how it has changed him. It made him realize what was important and stop d!cking around.


Some men, don''t do that. They feel like they are in a YES SIR! world and want to be as far away from anything with order, anything with rules structure, confinement, or commitment. These guys relish coming home, and go out drinking with their buddies, and off to strip clubs, and are gentlemen, but lets not kid ourselves, they want to get their rocks off.


I don''t know where your man falls into this... and I think he may be confused. The military does that A LOT. And They MESS WITH YOUR MINDS WHEN YOU ARE GOING INTO DEPLOYMENT. They''ll wake you up at 2 am screaming you are going to Korea- lets GO! and then 2 hours later say... false alarm go back to the barracks. Then the following morning at 4 AM SCREAM we are going to IRAQ LETS GO! and then blah blah blah.


It is a lot to go through knowing you''re putting your life on the line. I had a dear friend die while overseas fighting for our country back in 2006. He was just a boy. 20 years old. He was a marine, and my heart still mourns his passing.


Now what your boyfriend did by putting the ring on your finger was saying, I think I want this... but by taking it off was saying, I think I don''t. Then the email, though T didn''t get the full context was enough for her to feel strung along. Nursing him through the rough times, so she can be discarded w/ his 2 weeks of freedom. He very well could have vocalized these feelings, without the need for the big show of the ring... THAT IS HURTFUL, and IMHO UNFORGIVEBALE!


Now what I was saying is basically, Thomperchick, this is a gut check time. It is about YOU, not about HIM. Will YOU ever be able to forgive and forget this? Can you continue to sit on the back burner of YOUR LIFE while he is out there fighting for his, WITHOUT any real committment when he is with you in person. Can you continue to put your life on hold, for him? I think a break is a good thing for you. Not for HIM to think about what HE wants... but for YOU to evaluate what YOU want. Write it down, and come to him and discuss. Only YOU know the right thing to do for YOU. Whatever that is.. you know us PSers will support you through it.


My heart goes out to you. This is that yo-yo of life... one of its downs, followed by one of its ups. Best of luck to you, in this soul searching journey. HUGS!

I know what you''re saying about the fact that there may be some sort of mind reconditioning. Calling it abuse is really not for me to say, but I understand what you''re getting at. Still, I don''t think most "abuse" their family members because of it.

There are many ways that people deal with the stress of the military including post traumatic stress. Some stay normal, some come back a little distant and take a while to assimilate to being back(like my husband), and some have life changing experiences that can change their life long goals.

Thomperchik, I must say I get a little torn when I think about this. Part of me feels like what he did was unforgivable but part of me believes that this is cold feet and maybe needs some time. Either way, I wouldn''t move to be with him and I would want to know where he stands in the marriage dept. You haven''t been dating that long (a year and 3 months I add it up to be?) so maybe the relationship needs some time to reconnect and mature.

 

[brooklyngirl]

That is just awful, but I hope you know (or realise very soon) that this was indeed a blessing in disguise! How fortunate that you found out now, and once you started planning a wedding, or even after the wedding! The right person is out there, and now you''re free to find him. Good for you for having the sense to stand up for yourself.