Help!! I think I really messed up

[Scorpio_22]

ARGHHH!!!!

I''ve known my bf for 3 years, our relationship did not start the best since I was living with my ex. I left my ex 2 months later to be with my bf. Things have been rocky but lately they were great. We purhased a house together 6 months ago and have been living with our kids (we both have some from previous rel). Anyway, he''s always said he did not want more kids and I am ready to accept that as long as I can get my dream of one day getting married. He''s always been ok with this.

A couple weeks ago his ex dropped a child support bomb on him and he was very sad. He was mad and said things like we would not get married, never have a happy life because of $$. and was comparing all women to his ex..made me feel like trash I was very frustrated.. this guy who''s been flirting with me was just saying the right things and I was needing the attention.. I gave him my email address and my bf saw me do it.

He said he wanted to leave me, that the trust is now gone.. A few days have passed and things are better. I just feel so sad and feel like I will never be married.

I really love him, I know my actions didn''t show that but I really regret it. I hope he can forgive me, and that he will one day propose.

We are soon celebrating our 2 year anniv. + going on a trip (same loc as my parent''s honeymoon) this July. but my hopes are kinda gone now

 

[Lauren8211]

Yikes. That sounds like a really rough situation. I'm sorry to hear that.

In my honest opinion, it doesn't sound like either of you are really ready to get married. I can't really make any sort of judgment on your relationship itself, but just by this little argument it seems like you have a few things to work out before you're ready.

He can't take out frustrations on you like that. Threatening your future, and comparing you to an ex is just not acceptable. Also, you can't just run to the first guy who gives you a little attention. If you're serious about marriage, some sweet talking wouldn't phase you. It seems maybe like you wanted BF to see you give your email out? If you really didn't want to get caught, you probably wouldn't have. Why do you have to go to such drastic measures to get him to pay attention to you?

You guys need to have a SERIOUS talk about where you stand as a couple.

Good Luck, and keep us updated!

 

[Cleopatra]

What kind of "child support bomb" ?? Shouldn''t he have already been paying child support for his children? Child support is not an option in my opinion. He is responsible for his children - so I don''t understand how the issue of child support has mangled his life and views of marriage.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I'm going to start out by saying I think right now your guy is probably still a little shell shocked from finding out how much his child support is going to be. Re-working a budget can be very stressful especially if you own a home - it's not like that mortgage is going to go down.

Now, I'm done being nice.

How could he NOT understand that his ex was going to want child support? When someone has a child, that is their only legal responsibility. He shouldn't be surprised by this and he should NOT be talking badly about all women as a result. You have children yourself, you should know and understand how expensive it is to care for them.

What you did was not very smart or respectful of your relationship. If he made you feel bad you should have told him his comments were upsetting you instead of trying to get back at him in a completely juvenile way. Are you always going to go out and flirt with other people if you are feeling like you need a little attention? I can understand why he would be upset by your actions. You can't run out and give out your e-mail because a situation that came up preempts his ability to focus entirely on you

.

It sounds like the two of you have a lot of growing up to do before either of you will be ready for marriage.

 

[Scorpio_22]

They have shared custody so he was not paying support. He pays for half of all expenses and all of the sport activities. Since we bought our house she got jealous, and went on financial aid. Now because she is not working he needs to pay her support. She has no reason not to work.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 6/26/2008 10:41:21 AM
Author: Scorpio_22
They have shared custody so he was not paying support. He pays for half of all expenses and all of the sport activities. Since we bought our house she got jealous, and went on financial aid. Now because she is not working he needs to pay her support. She has no reason not to work.

Well, if that''s the case then he doesn''t have to pay half the expenses and half for the sporting activities anymore as those are supposed to be considered as part of his support payments.

Does your guy even have an attorney representing him? If so, I''d get a new attorney. If he isn''t represented deal with the cost and get decent representation.

 

[gwendolyn]

Man, I hope your boyfriend doesn''t let that attitude show when he''s got his kid(s) around. I''d feel pretty rotten if my dad saw supporting me as the thing permanently standing in the way between him and a "happy life."

 

[Bia]

There isn''t any reason to rush into marriage--particularly in this case. It seems like you have other things to iron out--specifically whether or not he really wants to re-marry, whether or not you''re both ready and the reason behind why you''re both acting out a bit (giving your contact info to another man, regardless of whether BF saw you or not, is wrong and a big indicator that you''re not ready to be married). Marriage won''t change those things, it will only make if more difficult to walk away if you''re both not happy. Why rush? Just to say "I''m married?" I think the novelty of that wears off quite fast...the married ladies here would know more about that.

Deal with the more pressing issues in your relationship, and if you both decide you''re ready once you have dealt with the other, make the necessary steps. However, because he has children, you must realize (I am sure you do) that his child/children will always be his responsibility and therefore, somewhat yours, if you want to marry the man. That, and the EX will always be somewhere in the picture.

Hope everything works out for you. Take good care and don''t be a stranger.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 6/26/2008 10:11:11 AM
Author:Scorpio_22
ARGHHH!!!!

I''ve known my bf for 3 years, our relationship did not start the best since I was living with my ex. I left my ex 2 months later to be with my bf. Things have been rocky but lately they were great. We purhased a house together 6 months ago and have been living with our kids (we both have some from previous rel). Anyway, he''s always said he did not want more kids and I am ready to accept that as long as I can get my dream of one day getting married. He''s always been ok with this.

A couple weeks ago his ex dropped a child support bomb on him and he was very sad. He was mad and said things like we would not get married, never have a happy life because of $$. and was comparing all women to his ex..made me feel like trash I was very frustrated.. this guy who''s been flirting with me was just saying the right things and I was needing the attention.. I gave him my email address and my bf saw me do it.

He said he wanted to leave me, that the trust is now gone.. A few days have passed and things are better. I just feel so sad and feel like I will never be married.

I really love him, I know my actions didn''t show that but I really regret it. I hope he can forgive me, and that he will one day propose.

We are soon celebrating our 2 year anniv. + going on a trip (same loc as my parent''s honeymoon) this July. but my hopes are kinda gone now

Regardless of what his ex is pulling (justified or not), that does not give him an excuse to take it out on you. I know it''s human to do so SOMETIMES, to SOME extent. But saying you won''t marry because of her is not acceptable. He needs to learn how to handle the situation in a more mature manner. Because like it or not, he''s still tied to her until the child(ren) reach adulthood or likely even longer.

However, that also doesn''t justify what you did. That was pretty petty and I agree that neither of you sound mature enough to be married at this point. I think you two have a lot to work out before you think about taking that step. Have you considered couples counseling? I think it would be a good idea, particularly because there are children involved and it complicates things so much.

 

[Scorpio_22]

I am in councelling for my insecurities... but he is not interested in coming with me

I know we have stuff to work out before we get married. I just would like to see from him some kind of sign of commitment to me so that I can continue standing by him. I have a hard time with the fact that I seem to do so much for him without any acknowledgement. When I talk to him about it he says he's not used to saying thanks or complimenting other people. This is were my insecurities come from. I told him and since the BIG fight he's told me I'm pretty many times which hardly ever happened before.

I'm sure things will get better.. they are much better already. He sent me an email saying:

Yes I do forgive you..
It is something that will stay in my head for a while and hope i could get
rid of it soon.
It was hard but could not justify to leave you.
I caught you before you did something wrong.
But your intention was there and that is what hurt me the most and that is
why it took me a while to think about it. about our future.
But in all I'm happy because we are back together and hope that it will no
longer reproduce.
I love you so much and I do want to be with you all my life and would love
to marry you one day.


I just fear that he will change his mind and leave me.. my insecurities again!!

He is not one that likes talking so the fact that he wrote me that means so much to me

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 6/26/2008 11:27:01 AM
Author: Scorpio_22

I am in councelling for my insecurities... but he is not interested in coming with me

I know we have stuff to work out before we get married. I just would like to see from him some kind of sign of commitment to me so that I can continue standing by him. I have a hard time with the fact that I seem to do so much for him without any acknowledgement. When I talk to him about it he says he''s not used to saying thanks or complimenting other people. This is were my insecurities come from. I told him and since the BIG fight he''s told me I''m pretty many times which hardly ever happened before.

I''m sure things will get better.. they are much better already. He sent me an email saying:

Yes I do forgive you..
It is something that will stay in my head for a while and hope i could get
rid of it soon.
It was hard but could not justify to leave you.
I caught you before you did something wrong.
But your intention was there and that is what hurt me the most and that is
why it took me a while to think about it. about our future.
But in all I''m happy because we are back together and hope that it will no
longer reproduce.
I love you so much and I do want to be with you all my life and would love
to marry you one day.


I just fear that he will change his mind and leave me.. my insecurities again!!

He is not one that likes talking so the fact that he wrote me that means so much to me

That e-mail is good... but I do think the fact that he refuses to go to counseling when you ask is a red flag. Just my opinion.

 

[tberube]

Sorry if I''m the bummer here, but sounds to me like neither you nor your boyfriend are yet emotionally mature enough to be married. Let alone financially stable. It looks like he''s got a lot to work out with his ex, and with women in general, and that you have to work out your penchant for attention-grabbing bad behavior every time things go slightly awry.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Maybe the two of you could sit down and have a nice, long chat about your current situation and sort out how the both of you would like for your future to be after all this other stuff gets handled.

 

[Bia]

Date: 6/26/2008 11:42:55 AM
Author: absolut_blonde

Date: 6/26/2008 11:27:01 AM
Author: Scorpio_22


I am in councelling for my insecurities... but he is not interested in coming with me

I know we have stuff to work out before we get married. I just would like to see from him some kind of sign of commitment to me so that I can continue standing by him. I have a hard time with the fact that I seem to do so much for him without any acknowledgement. When I talk to him about it he says he''s not used to saying thanks or complimenting other people. This is were my insecurities come from. I told him and since the BIG fight he''s told me I''m pretty many times which hardly ever happened before.

I''m sure things will get better.. they are much better already. He sent me an email saying:

Yes I do forgive you..
It is something that will stay in my head for a while and hope i could get
rid of it soon.
It was hard but could not justify to leave you.
I caught you before you did something wrong.
But your intention was there and that is what hurt me the most and that is
why it took me a while to think about it. about our future.
But in all I''m happy because we are back together and hope that it will no
longer reproduce.
I love you so much and I do want to be with you all my life and would love
to marry you one day.


I just fear that he will change his mind and leave me.. my insecurities again!!

He is not one that likes talking so the fact that he wrote me that means so much to me

That e-mail is good... but I do think the fact that he refuses to go to counseling when you ask is a red flag. Just my opinion.

Truthfully though, there are so many people that think counseling or therapy is bogus--I am not one of those people, as my BF and I benefited IMMENSELY from a pre-marriage type of counseling.

There seems to be a blame game here. He wants you to feel bad (you already do) and you are upset he''s not proposing. I encourage you to continue to see your therapist and ask him/her specifically what changes you can make to help boost your self-esteem. Relationships shouldn''t be the key to our happiness. Happiness needs to be found within first...everything else good in our lives should then just exponentiate the confidence and self-esteem we already have. Does that make sense?

If you want to marry this man, know that it isn''t likely going to happen soon. What you should focus on is how to help yourself. Once you find what you need, the rest will fall into place.

 

[Scorpio_22]

Thanks Bia, that means alot.

I totally understand what you''re saying " I have to be happy with myself first if I want to be happy with someone else."

makes sense.. just a tough day today..thx for your words.

People make mistakes..what''s important is that they grow from them..

 

[purrfectpear]

I can well imagine it''s hard to have trust in a relationship that began when you were still living with your ex

I would have suggested some downtime between when you left your last relationship before you began a new one. I would also have suggested that your willingness to pursue a new relationship the first time that this one showed signs of lagging, is indicative that you are the sort of woman who thinks it''s OK to bounce from one guy to another guy, as long as there IS a guy.

You won''t heed this advice, but you would be best served by taking a break from all relationships, and working on your self esteem, and independence.

It''s only when you have confidence in your ability to exist without a man, that you have anything to bring to a relationship. Neediness is never healthy.

Good luck

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 6/26/2008 11:27:01 AM
Author: Scorpio_22

I am in councelling for my insecurities... but he is not interested in coming with me

I know we have stuff to work out before we get married. I just would like to see from him some kind of sign of commitment to me so that I can continue standing by him. I have a hard time with the fact that I seem to do so much for him without any acknowledgement. When I talk to him about it he says he''s not used to saying thanks or complimenting other people. This is were my insecurities come from. I told him and since the BIG fight he''s told me I''m pretty many times which hardly ever happened before.

I''m sure things will get better.. they are much better already. He sent me an email saying:

Yes I do forgive you..
It is something that will stay in my head for a while and hope i could get
rid of it soon.
It was hard but could not justify to leave you.
I caught you before you did something wrong.
But your intention was there and that is what hurt me the most and that is
why it took me a while to think about it. about our future.
But in all I''m happy because we are back together and hope that it will no
longer reproduce.
I love you so much and I do want to be with you all my life and would love
to marry you one day.


I just fear that he will change his mind and leave me.. my insecurities again!!

He is not one that likes talking so the fact that he wrote me that means so much to me

You guys clearly have some pressing issues that you need to work on: trust, financial matters, insecurity.

I wanted to highlight this sentence because I think that this might be playing into your lack of security as well. You feel that you''re playing the role of a wife without the acknowledgement or appreciation. I think you should take a step back from doing these things and re-assess your roles in this relationsihp--remember that this is a partnership and should be 50/50.

Things have been rocky recently and you both did things you shouldn''t have...and I think those things have exposed weak spots in your relationship that you need to work on. I hope you are both able to use this as a springboard for having a healthier relationship, but remember you BOTH have to be willing to improve it, not just move on.

 

[Scorpio_22]

Date: 6/26/2008 12:37:09 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I can well imagine it''s hard to have trust in a relationship that began when you were still living with your ex

I would have suggested some downtime between when you left your last relationship before you began a new one. I would also have suggested that your willingness to pursue a new relationship the first time that this one showed signs of lagging, is indicative that you are the sort of woman who thinks it''s OK to bounce from one guy to another guy, as long as there IS a guy.

You won''t heed this advice, but you would be best served by taking a break from all relationships, and working on your self esteem, and independence.

It''s only when you have confidence in your ability to exist without a man, that you have anything to bring to a relationship. Neediness is never healthy.

Good luck

Just want to mention that I took a 1 year break in between.. were we were just friends.

but you are right that I have to build on my confidence.

 

[FrekeChild]

TRUST TRUST TRUST. Just wanted to reiterate that. Among everything else that everyone has already said.

Also, how old are the both of you?

 

[HollyS]

Date: 6/26/2008 12:13:50 PM
Author: Scorpio_22
Thanks Bia, that means alot.

I totally understand what you're saying ' I have to be happy with myself first if I want to be happy with someone else.'

makes sense.. just a tough day today..thx for your words.

People make mistakes..what's important is that they grow from them..

"People make mistakes..what's important is that they grow from them."

Really?

You left your ex to be with your guy. Your guy 'frustrates" you, and you start flirting with, and giving your email address to another guy. I see a pattern of behavior you haven't grown out of.


Neither of you is committed to the other.

 

[Bia]

Date: 6/26/2008 12:13:50 PM
Author: Scorpio_22
Thanks Bia, that means alot.

I totally understand what you''re saying '' I have to be happy with myself first if I want to be happy with someone else.''

makes sense.. just a tough day today..thx for your words.

People make mistakes..what''s important is that they grow from them..

Of course, it''s my pleasure...that''s why this forum is here...to share and to support.

I understand you''re having one of those days. We all have them, that''s life. I am glad that you see the areas you can improve on for your own well-being. I was thinking maybe you might use this time to consider the things you love to do (or the things you loved to do before you were in a relationship). Having goals (separate from your BFs), interests and hobbies is very important. Everyone needs an escape. Maybe see your friends more often or reconnect with friends you haven''t seen in awhile. Anyone will tell you that being with SO all of the time, is not a good thing. PurrfectPear mentioned that neediness is never healthy. Not only is it not healthy but it is also majorly unattractive. Whereas self-confidence is a major turn-on. So go out, have fun, be good to yourself FIRST and be good to your BF--while you''re at it, let him know you expect the world because you deserve it!

And always know that you''re welcome here.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

 

[Scorpio_22]

Date: 6/26/2008 1:13:24 PM
Author: FrekeChild
TRUST TRUST TRUST. Just wanted to reiterate that. Among everything else that everyone has already said.

Also, how old are the both of you?

me 27 him 37

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 6/26/2008 1:25:44 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite

Your expression of indifference says it all so succinctly.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 6/26/2008 1:03:21 PM
Author: Scorpio_22

Date: 6/26/2008 12:37:09 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I can well imagine it''s hard to have trust in a relationship that began when you were still living with your ex

I would have suggested some downtime between when you left your last relationship before you began a new one. I would also have suggested that your willingness to pursue a new relationship the first time that this one showed signs of lagging, is indicative that you are the sort of woman who thinks it''s OK to bounce from one guy to another guy, as long as there IS a guy.

You won''t heed this advice, but you would be best served by taking a break from all relationships, and working on your self esteem, and independence.

It''s only when you have confidence in your ability to exist without a man, that you have anything to bring to a relationship. Neediness is never healthy.

Good luck

Just want to mention that I took a 1 year break in between.. were we were just friends.

but you are right that I have to build on my confidence.

Ok, but your first post says:
"I''ve known my bf for 3 years, our relationship did not start the best since I was living with my ex. I left my ex 2 months later to be with my bf. "

Could you clarify that? I''m totally confused.

Also, I kind of have to agree with HollyS''s comment. Honestly, what you did with the flirting is stuff I''ve done too. But that was when I was like, 19 and with someone I didn''t truly care about. I''d never do that to my SO now (at 24).

 

[Scorpio_22]

yes I wanted to be with him after 2 months but we decided to stay friends x 1 year to see where things would go. after a year we decided we were ready for a relationship.

By re-reading my post I understand why you are all saying I''m immature and that we need help. I guess it sounds worst in writting because if you would know me you would not say I''m immature. I agree that I DID act it though.

I know my relationship needs some work.. needs time to heal but I know that if we both want it.. IT WILL work!

This morning I was sad to think that an engagement would not be happening anytime soon but I understand why..

Everything happens for a reason and I will continue to give him the best of me. I will prove that I am worth his love and that I am ready to commit. If he still leaves at least I will know I tried..

Thank you all for your input.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/26/2008 10:11:11 AM
Author:Scorpio_22
ARGHHH!!!!

I''ve known my bf for 3 years, our relationship did not start the best since I was living with my ex. I left my ex 2 months later to be with my bf. Things have been rocky but lately they were great. We purhased a house together 6 months ago and have been living with our kids (we both have some from previous rel). Anyway, he''s always said he did not want more kids and I am ready to accept that as long as I can get my dream of one day getting married. He''s always been ok with this.

A couple weeks ago his ex dropped a child support bomb on him and he was very sad. He was mad and said things like we would not get married, never have a happy life because of $$. and was comparing all women to his ex..made me feel like trash I was very frustrated.. this guy who''s been flirting with me was just saying the right things and I was needing the attention.. I gave him my email address and my bf saw me do it.

He said he wanted to leave me, that the trust is now gone.. A few days have passed and things are better. I just feel so sad and feel like I will never be married.

I really love him, I know my actions didn''t show that but I really regret it. I hope he can forgive me, and that he will one day propose.

We are soon celebrating our 2 year anniv. + going on a trip (same loc as my parent''s honeymoon) this July. but my hopes are kinda gone now

His lashing out at you was normal for someone that just had a child support bomb dropped on his lap. I would have let him vent his frustrations with the world and then asked for an apology because obviously you aren''t one of these women he is talking about.

I don''t think you should feel that this is the end. He sounds frustrated. Sometimes our guys need a little bit of ego stroking. Give him his time to cool down and he''ll come around.

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 6/26/2008 2:48:47 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 6/26/2008 10:11:11 AM
Author:Scorpio_22
ARGHHH!!!!

I''ve known my bf for 3 years, our relationship did not start the best since I was living with my ex. I left my ex 2 months later to be with my bf. Things have been rocky but lately they were great. We purhased a house together 6 months ago and have been living with our kids (we both have some from previous rel). Anyway, he''s always said he did not want more kids and I am ready to accept that as long as I can get my dream of one day getting married. He''s always been ok with this.

A couple weeks ago his ex dropped a child support bomb on him and he was very sad. He was mad and said things like we would not get married, never have a happy life because of $$. and was comparing all women to his ex..made me feel like trash I was very frustrated.. this guy who''s been flirting with me was just saying the right things and I was needing the attention.. I gave him my email address and my bf saw me do it.

He said he wanted to leave me, that the trust is now gone.. A few days have passed and things are better. I just feel so sad and feel like I will never be married.

I really love him, I know my actions didn''t show that but I really regret it. I hope he can forgive me, and that he will one day propose.

We are soon celebrating our 2 year anniv. + going on a trip (same loc as my parent''s honeymoon) this July. but my hopes are kinda gone now

His lashing out at you was normal for someone that just had a child support bomb dropped on his lap. I would have let him vent his frustrations with the world and then asked for an apology because obviously you aren''t one of these women he is talking about.

I don''t think you should feel that this is the end. He sounds frustrated. Sometimes our guys need a little bit of ego stroking. Give him his time to cool down and he''ll come around.

Amen to that, and I coudln''t agree more. NORMAL.

Ladies - if you are not personally involved with a man who is being RAPED by the system with child support, then you really have no idea how unfair and skewed the system is. Trust me - I''ve lived it (with my SO). There is fair child support then there is VINDICTIVE and manipulative support to women who refuse to work and take responsibility for themselves, their lives and their kids. Why bother when you can totally screw your ex-husband?

It doesn''t matter if you have a lawyer or not, beleive me....Oh if it were that easy.

Scorpio - I understand how you feel. I have listened to a lot of comments about all women being evil (with it being pointed out to me that I am the one exception) and I do not in any way take this as him inappropriatly throwing his frustration on me. I am his GF and I am here to listen and support him since I am the only person in his life that he can express his feeliings to and not judge him. I''d rather that than have him drive off a cliff. Come on - we all need to vent.

Life is not easy, life is not perfect. We don''t always say or do the right things, and we all have moments of weakness..

I will NOT judge you. I understand.

BTW when I met my SO 8 years ago the first thing he told me was that he would NEVER get married again, and I was OK with that since I don''t want kids. But he saw in a very short peroid of time that he can trust me. And now we agree that we will get married. It''s very hard not to be gun shy sometimes.

I obviously have VERY stong feelings on this topic. Let me just say (before I get slammed) that I do not oppose child support. What I do oppose is a system where women are not held accountable for thier share of responsibility. Hell - my BF was unemployed for 2 years and even with a lawyer and a judge, was STILL forced to continue paying child support during that time or go to jail. Umm - something wrong with this picture????

The best adivce given on this thread is what is usually given in this forum - Talk to eachother.

 

[Hera]

Date: 6/26/2008 3:32:49 PM
Author: Pushin40

Date: 6/26/2008 2:48:47 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 6/26/2008 10:11:11 AM
Author:Scorpio_22
ARGHHH!!!!

I''ve known my bf for 3 years, our relationship did not start the best since I was living with my ex. I left my ex 2 months later to be with my bf. Things have been rocky but lately they were great. We purhased a house together 6 months ago and have been living with our kids (we both have some from previous rel). Anyway, he''s always said he did not want more kids and I am ready to accept that as long as I can get my dream of one day getting married. He''s always been ok with this.

A couple weeks ago his ex dropped a child support bomb on him and he was very sad. He was mad and said things like we would not get married, never have a happy life because of $$. and was comparing all women to his ex..made me feel like trash I was very frustrated.. this guy who''s been flirting with me was just saying the right things and I was needing the attention.. I gave him my email address and my bf saw me do it.

He said he wanted to leave me, that the trust is now gone.. A few days have passed and things are better. I just feel so sad and feel like I will never be married.

I really love him, I know my actions didn''t show that but I really regret it. I hope he can forgive me, and that he will one day propose.

We are soon celebrating our 2 year anniv. + going on a trip (same loc as my parent''s honeymoon) this July. but my hopes are kinda gone now

His lashing out at you was normal for someone that just had a child support bomb dropped on his lap. I would have let him vent his frustrations with the world and then asked for an apology because obviously you aren''t one of these women he is talking about.

I don''t think you should feel that this is the end. He sounds frustrated. Sometimes our guys need a little bit of ego stroking. Give him his time to cool down and he''ll come around.

Amen to that, and I coudln''t agree more. NORMAL.

Ladies - if you are not personally involved with a man who is being RAPED by the system with child support, then you really have no idea how unfair and skewed the system is. Trust me - I''ve lived it (with my SO). There is fair child support then there is VINDICTIVE and manipulative support to women who refuse to work and take responsibility for themselves, their lives and their kids. Why bother when you can totally screw your ex-husband?

It doesn''t matter if you have a lawyer or not, beleive me....Oh if it were that easy.

Scorpio - I understand how you feel. I have listened to a lot of comments about all women being evil (with it being pointed out to me that I am the one exception) and I do not in any way take this as him inappropriatly throwing his frustration on me. I am his GF and I am here to listen and support him since I am the only person in his life that he can express his feeliings to and not judge him. I''d rather that than have him drive off a cliff. Come on - we all need to vent.

Life is not easy, life is not perfect. We don''t always say or do the right things, and we all have moments of weakness..

I will NOT judge you. I understand.

BTW when I met my SO 8 years ago the first thing he told me was that he would NEVER get married again, and I was OK with that since I don''t want kids. But he saw in a very short peroid of time that he can trust me. And now we agree that we will get married. It''s very hard not to be gun shy sometimes.

I obviously have VERY stong feelings on this topic. Let me just say (before I get slammed) that I do not oppose child support. What I do oppose is a system where women are not held accountable for thier share of responsibility. Hell - my BF was unemployed for 2 years and even with a lawyer and a judge, was STILL forced to continue paying child support during that time or go to jail. Umm - something wrong with this picture????

The best adivce given on this thread is what is usually given in this forum - Talk to eachother.

Two years is a long time, and those children needed to get the support they needed.

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 6/26/2008 3:56:26 PM
Author: heraanderson

Date: 6/26/2008 3:32:49 PM
Author: Pushin40

Date: 6/26/2008 2:48:47 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 6/26/2008 10:11:11 AM
Author:Scorpio_22
ARGHHH!!!!

I''ve known my bf for 3 years, our relationship did not start the best since I was living with my ex. I left my ex 2 months later to be with my bf. Things have been rocky but lately they were great. We purhased a house together 6 months ago and have been living with our kids (we both have some from previous rel). Anyway, he''s always said he did not want more kids and I am ready to accept that as long as I can get my dream of one day getting married. He''s always been ok with this.

A couple weeks ago his ex dropped a child support bomb on him and he was very sad. He was mad and said things like we would not get married, never have a happy life because of $$. and was comparing all women to his ex..made me feel like trash I was very frustrated.. this guy who''s been flirting with me was just saying the right things and I was needing the attention.. I gave him my email address and my bf saw me do it.

He said he wanted to leave me, that the trust is now gone.. A few days have passed and things are better. I just feel so sad and feel like I will never be married.

I really love him, I know my actions didn''t show that but I really regret it. I hope he can forgive me, and that he will one day propose.

We are soon celebrating our 2 year anniv. + going on a trip (same loc as my parent''s honeymoon) this July. but my hopes are kinda gone now

His lashing out at you was normal for someone that just had a child support bomb dropped on his lap. I would have let him vent his frustrations with the world and then asked for an apology because obviously you aren''t one of these women he is talking about.

I don''t think you should feel that this is the end. He sounds frustrated. Sometimes our guys need a little bit of ego stroking. Give him his time to cool down and he''ll come around.

Amen to that, and I coudln''t agree more. NORMAL.

Ladies - if you are not personally involved with a man who is being RAPED by the system with child support, then you really have no idea how unfair and skewed the system is. Trust me - I''ve lived it (with my SO). There is fair child support then there is VINDICTIVE and manipulative support to women who refuse to work and take responsibility for themselves, their lives and their kids. Why bother when you can totally screw your ex-husband?

It doesn''t matter if you have a lawyer or not, beleive me....Oh if it were that easy.

Scorpio - I understand how you feel. I have listened to a lot of comments about all women being evil (with it being pointed out to me that I am the one exception) and I do not in any way take this as him inappropriatly throwing his frustration on me. I am his GF and I am here to listen and support him since I am the only person in his life that he can express his feeliings to and not judge him. I''d rather that than have him drive off a cliff. Come on - we all need to vent.

Life is not easy, life is not perfect. We don''t always say or do the right things, and we all have moments of weakness..

I will NOT judge you. I understand.

BTW when I met my SO 8 years ago the first thing he told me was that he would NEVER get married again, and I was OK with that since I don''t want kids. But he saw in a very short peroid of time that he can trust me. And now we agree that we will get married. It''s very hard not to be gun shy sometimes.

I obviously have VERY stong feelings on this topic. Let me just say (before I get slammed) that I do not oppose child support. What I do oppose is a system where women are not held accountable for thier share of responsibility. Hell - my BF was unemployed for 2 years and even with a lawyer and a judge, was STILL forced to continue paying child support during that time or go to jail. Umm - something wrong with this picture????

The best adivce given on this thread is what is usually given in this forum - Talk to eachother.

Two years is a long time, and those children needed to get the support they needed.

Yes but you can''t get blood from a stone, now. can you?
Big difference between NEEDING child support and someone not taking responsibility and just being lazy. I know what you are saying but the burden has always been complety on him. 100%. Period.

Funny how support will always be raised but never lowered when the economy turns bad.

Him being in jail or us being completely destitute doesn''t really help them in the long run.