Help!! I think I really messed up

[hisdiamondgirl]

Date: 6/27/2008 6:42:30 PM
Author: beebrisk

Date: 6/27/2008 5:18:11 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl

Date: 6/27/2008 4:15:00 PM

Author: beebrisk

I was not 'judging' as you say... I was merely reacting to the facts you laid out.


Were you asking for support in your original post? Or did you just want to hear what you wanted to hear...a chorus of 'poor you!'?


From what you've said so far, I can't agree that you are 'mature enough' and look after the best interest of your children. You had them living with you in an abusive relationship, then sometime later moved in with another man who you now think might not marry you because frankly, you acted like a teenager when things got a little rough. In my opinion none of this behavior is 'mature'.


None of my business, but my assumption is your abusive ex is not your kids father. So based on that, my conclusion is that you've taught your children that going from man to man to man, unmarried each time, is A-OKAY.


Where is the stability for them? Where is a consistent home life?


While you may not 'include the children in your fights', believe me they know. And they feel it. This man isn't their dad and you guys aren't married--Even more of a reason why they'd feel insecure and scared if there are big problems between you two. You've already moved out of one relationship with them, why risk putting them through that again?? Trust me, they know when the two major adult influences in their lives are having issues with each other. They do know.


Bottom line is, your kids deserve to have a mom who is married and in a stable, loving environment--Not being moved from home to home and from abuse to uncertainty.

Whoa, I think this is really harsh and that you are making a lot of unwarranted assumptions about the OP here!

Frankly, we do not know anything about the OP except what she has told us and I think that it is unfair to say that she is teaching her children that going from 'man to man to man' is ok. She mentioned that she was in an abusive relationship and left that and did not get together with her now BF for a year. Rather than criticizing her for having her children live with her in an abusive relationship, I think that she should be COMMENDED for getting out of it, as it often takes a lot of willpower and courage to get out of such a relationship!!!

She also mentioned that she has bought a house and has been with her current BF for some time and that their respective children get along...this sounds pretty stable to me. Stability does not necessarily have to include marriage, why would that be a prerequisite to a 'stable' life. I don't get it.

The OP realizes that she did something wrong when she gave the other man her email address, but she obviously did it out of anger, and I don't think that necessarily means that she was going to do anything with that man. She came here because she realized that she made a mistake, as we ALL do sometimes, and needed some support.

I understand that we all have our opinions, but I just thought this was a little harsh, IMHO.


In any case, scorpio, I think the best advice is, as always, communication, communication, communication!


I won't even touch on the child support issue!

In what world does moving in with a man who the OP stated isn't 'committed' to her equal a stable home life for children? It's one thing to be single and live with a man you hope will give you your 'dream of one day getting married', but when there are children involved, that's a whole different story. After her 'flirtation' with the other man, she's not even sure her BF is going to stay with her! What then? Was she thinking of her kids when she did that? No, she was angry and wanted to hit back with a completely childish act. This does not sound to me like a strong, loving, supportive and *stable* relationship. I won't mince words...it's just downright irresponsible and egregiously selfish. This is not the behavior of a mature mother putting her kids first. Sorry, its not.

I understand where you are coming from beebrisk, and how things can be seen that way. I am seeing it from a different angle, however, given the limited information that we have. To me, and she has admitted it, the OP seems like she has serious confidence issues, which a lot of people who have been in abusive relationships tend to have. I think it is great that she is in counseling and trying to get help for this! Given that, I don't think that we can, from what the OP has said, judge the commitment of her BF, the stability of her relationship, or most importantly her commitment to her children. After all, they bought a house together and he has told her that he wants to marry her. We don't have much other information except for the facts that he got angry at the child support issue and she flirted when she was upset...hardly enough to pass judgment on something as sensitive and important as her commitment to her children!!! I'm just giving her the benefit of the doubt is all! Her BF hasn't left her over the incident, so obviously her fears that he was going to leave her stemmed from her insecurities and not his level of commitment to her.

Scorpio, sorry to be talking about you as if you are not here!!! I just had to express that I think it is unfair that you are being characterized as a bad mother when we know absolutely nothing about you! Hope everything is getting better!

 

[HollyS]

Date: 6/26/2008 9:09:21 PM
Author: beebrisk
So let''s see. You were living with a man (or married?) when you met your current boyfriend.

Although things weren''t so great ''until lately'', you grabbed your kids and moved them into a house you purchased with him-- entangling yourself financially to a man you are not married to and entangling your children into your drama.

Then, he has an issue with his ex and instead of supporting him or trying to help him resolve any issues he has with her, you go and flirt with another man and give him your phone number????

This isn''t high school! How about focusing on your children as opposed to what sounds like a childish relationship? What kind of message are you sending them here?

Honestly, the only thing that comes to mind is ''shame on you!''.

Sorry, hard to find sympathy here for you...for the children, yes. But you are old enough know better.

I have to admit, those were exactly my thoughts. There''s no sympathy from me either. This is all the result of horrendously bad choices.

 

[Scorpio_22]

Date: 6/27/2008 7:12:08 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl

Date: 6/27/2008 6:42:30 PM
Author: beebrisk

Date: 6/27/2008 5:18:11 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl

Date: 6/27/2008 4:15:00 PM

Author: beebrisk

I was not ''judging'' as you say... I was merely reacting to the facts you laid out.


Were you asking for support in your original post? Or did you just want to hear what you wanted to hear...a chorus of ''poor you!''?


From what you''ve said so far, I can''t agree that you are ''mature enough'' and look after the best interest of your children. You had them living with you in an abusive relationship, then sometime later moved in with another man who you now think might not marry you because frankly, you acted like a teenager when things got a little rough. In my opinion none of this behavior is ''mature''.


None of my business, but my assumption is your abusive ex is not your kids father. So based on that, my conclusion is that you''ve taught your children that going from man to man to man, unmarried each time, is A-OKAY.


Where is the stability for them? Where is a consistent home life?


While you may not ''include the children in your fights'', believe me they know. And they feel it. This man isn''t their dad and you guys aren''t married--Even more of a reason why they''d feel insecure and scared if there are big problems between you two. You''ve already moved out of one relationship with them, why risk putting them through that again?? Trust me, they know when the two major adult influences in their lives are having issues with each other. They do know.


Bottom line is, your kids deserve to have a mom who is married and in a stable, loving environment--Not being moved from home to home and from abuse to uncertainty.

Whoa, I think this is really harsh and that you are making a lot of unwarranted assumptions about the OP here!

Frankly, we do not know anything about the OP except what she has told us and I think that it is unfair to say that she is teaching her children that going from ''man to man to man'' is ok. She mentioned that she was in an abusive relationship and left that and did not get together with her now BF for a year. Rather than criticizing her for having her children live with her in an abusive relationship, I think that she should be COMMENDED for getting out of it, as it often takes a lot of willpower and courage to get out of such a relationship!!!

She also mentioned that she has bought a house and has been with her current BF for some time and that their respective children get along...this sounds pretty stable to me. Stability does not necessarily have to include marriage, why would that be a prerequisite to a ''stable'' life. I don''t get it.

The OP realizes that she did something wrong when she gave the other man her email address, but she obviously did it out of anger, and I don''t think that necessarily means that she was going to do anything with that man. She came here because she realized that she made a mistake, as we ALL do sometimes, and needed some support.

I understand that we all have our opinions, but I just thought this was a little harsh, IMHO.


In any case, scorpio, I think the best advice is, as always, communication, communication, communication!


I won''t even touch on the child support issue!

In what world does moving in with a man who the OP stated isn''t ''committed'' to her equal a stable home life for children? It''s one thing to be single and live with a man you hope will give you your ''dream of one day getting married'', but when there are children involved, that''s a whole different story. After her ''flirtation'' with the other man, she''s not even sure her BF is going to stay with her! What then? Was she thinking of her kids when she did that? No, she was angry and wanted to hit back with a completely childish act. This does not sound to me like a strong, loving, supportive and *stable* relationship. I won''t mince words...it''s just downright irresponsible and egregiously selfish. This is not the behavior of a mature mother putting her kids first. Sorry, its not.

I understand where you are coming from beebrisk, and how things can be seen that way. I am seeing it from a different angle, however, given the limited information that we have. To me, and she has admitted it, the OP seems like she has serious confidence issues, which a lot of people who have been in abusive relationships tend to have. I think it is great that she is in counseling and trying to get help for this! Given that, I don''t think that we can, from what the OP has said, judge the commitment of her BF, the stability of her relationship, or most importantly her commitment to her children. After all, they bought a house together and he has told her that he wants to marry her. We don''t have much other information except for the facts that he got angry at the child support issue and she flirted when she was upset...hardly enough to pass judgment on something as sensitive and important as her commitment to her children!!! I''m just giving her the benefit of the doubt is all! Her BF hasn''t left her over the incident, so obviously her fears that he was going to leave her stemmed from her insecurities and not his level of commitment to her.

Scorpio, sorry to be talking about you as if you are not here!!! I just had to express that I think it is unfair that you are being characterized as a bad mother when we know absolutely nothing about you! Hope everything is getting better!

ok!! sorry to have upset some of you to the point where you have to lash out and say that I am a bad mother, immature..etc..
Thanks to hisdiamondgirl for your understanding!! xox you have the situation completely right.. I am very committed to my son.. and noone in my surrounding can say I am a bad mother... I was able to get out of an abusive relationship (AND YES THIS MAN IS MY SON''S FATHER!!!). I have not gone from man to man, yes I met my bf at the same time as I was trying to leave my ex, and yes he gave me the strenght I needed to leave him. but we did remain friends x 1 year which is a big sign of our maturity!!!!

My son adores my bf, he is a good father to his kids and a good father figure to my son. (way better than his drug addicted, abusive father) If ever my realationship with my bf was to end, I''m sure his relationship with my son would not.

I am sorry my situation sounded so bad in writing to some of you but I''m happy that some of you did understand me.

We had a very nice weekend, he mentioned the situation again and I listened to his concerns and we were able to talk about it. I understand he will be upset for a while, but I will continue to prove to him that he can trust me again, one day at a time!

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 6/26/2008 2:14:44 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 6/26/2008 1:25:44 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite

Your expression of indifference says it all so succinctly.

heheeh