Help!! I think I really messed up

[LostSapphire]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 102px">Date: 6/26/2008 3:32:49 PM
Author: Pushin40
Amen to that, and I coudln't agree more. NORMAL.

Ladies - if you are not personally involved with a man who is being RAPED by the system with child support, then you really have no idea how unfair and skewed the system is.

I would normally stay out of this kind of thread but would like to kindly ask you to refrain from using that word to describe your situation. And I am usually the last person to tell people what to day/do/judge, etc. But in this one instance, I am stepping up.

Some of us who have first hand experience of it do not appreciate the word *rape* to be used in any context other than what it really is. Your use of that word trivializes it.

 

[Lauren8211]

LostSapphire -

I am so sorry if you or someone you love had to go through something as terrible as that. That is absolutely awful.

I just wanted to pipe up and mention that there are multiple definitions for the word, and it was appropriately used. I doubt she meant to trivialize the word or the experience.

I hope this post didn''t offend you - I just wanted to make mention of that.

 

[vslover]

Date: 6/26/2008 3:32:49 PM
Author: Pushin40

Date: 6/26/2008 2:48:47 PM

Author: fieryred33143
Hell - my BF was unemployed for 2 years and even with a lawyer and a judge, was STILL forced to continue paying child support during that time or go to jail. Umm - something wrong with this picture????

Did you seriously think that your BF shouldn''t support his children for 2 years? There''s no excuse for being out of work for that long...he could have gotten a job at McDonald''s if that''s what it took to support his kids. OF COURSE the judge ordered him to pay...otherwise, why wouldn''t all the deadbeats just stay jobless?

 

[vslover]

Date: 6/26/2008 4:07:07 PM
Author: Pushin40


Big difference between NEEDING child support and someone not taking responsibility and just being lazy. I know what you are saying but the burden has always been complety on him. 100%. Period.


Funny how support will always be raised but never lowered when the economy turns bad.


Him being in jail or us being completely destitute doesn''t really help them in the long run.

I don''t NEED support, but ex still pays a little so that he feels he''s contributing. I''ve never needed his money and never will...but he still has an obligation to our child. And FWIW I am a SAHM ... in other words giving my WHOLE LIFE to our child...all he has to do is pay a couple bucks a month.

 

[Hera]

Date: 6/26/2008 4:07:07 PM
Author: Pushin40

Date: 6/26/2008 3:56:26 PM
Author: heraanderson

Date: 6/26/2008 3:32:49 PM
Author: Pushin40

Date: 6/26/2008 2:48:47 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 6/26/2008 10:11:11 AM
Author:Scorpio_22
ARGHHH!!!!

I''ve known my bf for 3 years, our relationship did not start the best since I was living with my ex. I left my ex 2 months later to be with my bf. Things have been rocky but lately they were great. We purhased a house together 6 months ago and have been living with our kids (we both have some from previous rel). Anyway, he''s always said he did not want more kids and I am ready to accept that as long as I can get my dream of one day getting married. He''s always been ok with this.

A couple weeks ago his ex dropped a child support bomb on him and he was very sad. He was mad and said things like we would not get married, never have a happy life because of $$. and was comparing all women to his ex..made me feel like trash I was very frustrated.. this guy who''s been flirting with me was just saying the right things and I was needing the attention.. I gave him my email address and my bf saw me do it.

He said he wanted to leave me, that the trust is now gone.. A few days have passed and things are better. I just feel so sad and feel like I will never be married.

I really love him, I know my actions didn''t show that but I really regret it. I hope he can forgive me, and that he will one day propose.

We are soon celebrating our 2 year anniv. + going on a trip (same loc as my parent''s honeymoon) this July. but my hopes are kinda gone now

His lashing out at you was normal for someone that just had a child support bomb dropped on his lap. I would have let him vent his frustrations with the world and then asked for an apology because obviously you aren''t one of these women he is talking about.

I don''t think you should feel that this is the end. He sounds frustrated. Sometimes our guys need a little bit of ego stroking. Give him his time to cool down and he''ll come around.

Amen to that, and I coudln''t agree more. NORMAL.

Ladies - if you are not personally involved with a man who is being RAPED by the system with child support, then you really have no idea how unfair and skewed the system is. Trust me - I''ve lived it (with my SO). There is fair child support then there is VINDICTIVE and manipulative support to women who refuse to work and take responsibility for themselves, their lives and their kids. Why bother when you can totally screw your ex-husband?

It doesn''t matter if you have a lawyer or not, beleive me....Oh if it were that easy.

Scorpio - I understand how you feel. I have listened to a lot of comments about all women being evil (with it being pointed out to me that I am the one exception) and I do not in any way take this as him inappropriatly throwing his frustration on me. I am his GF and I am here to listen and support him since I am the only person in his life that he can express his feeliings to and not judge him. I''d rather that than have him drive off a cliff. Come on - we all need to vent.

Life is not easy, life is not perfect. We don''t always say or do the right things, and we all have moments of weakness..

I will NOT judge you. I understand.

BTW when I met my SO 8 years ago the first thing he told me was that he would NEVER get married again, and I was OK with that since I don''t want kids. But he saw in a very short peroid of time that he can trust me. And now we agree that we will get married. It''s very hard not to be gun shy sometimes.

I obviously have VERY stong feelings on this topic. Let me just say (before I get slammed) that I do not oppose child support. What I do oppose is a system where women are not held accountable for thier share of responsibility. Hell - my BF was unemployed for 2 years and even with a lawyer and a judge, was STILL forced to continue paying child support during that time or go to jail. Umm - something wrong with this picture????

The best adivce given on this thread is what is usually given in this forum - Talk to eachother.

Two years is a long time, and those children needed to get the support they needed.

Yes but you can''t get blood from a stone, now. can you?
Big difference between NEEDING child support and someone not taking responsibility and just being lazy. I know what you are saying but the burden has always been complety on him. 100%. Period.

Funny how support will always be raised but never lowered when the economy turns bad.

Him being in jail or us being completely destitute doesn''t really help them in the long run.

I think they probably do that so that people don''t stop working and then don''t have to pay child support.

 

[Hera]

Vslover, you took the words right out of my mouth.

 

[Scorpio_22]

Date: 6/26/2008 4:19:42 PM
Author: vslover

Date: 6/26/2008 3:32:49 PM
Author: Pushin40

Date: 6/26/2008 2:48:47 PM

Author: fieryred33143
Hell - my BF was unemployed for 2 years and even with a lawyer and a judge, was STILL forced to continue paying child support during that time or go to jail. Umm - something wrong with this picture????

Did you seriously think that your BF shouldn't support his children for 2 years? There's no excuse for being out of work for that long...he could have gotten a job at McDonald's if that's what it took to support his kids. OF COURSE the judge ordered him to pay...otherwise, why wouldn't all the deadbeats just stay jobless?

I just want to say every situation is different.

if the woman doesn't work it's ok but if the guy doesn't work why does he suddenly become a deadbeat!?!

I just think it goes both ways.. Both parents should work!! if not, they are both being very unsupportive!! but if the woman doesn't try to hold a job why would he??

oh yeah, and please do not attack Pushin40!! Did you not stop and think her bf might have been in school those 2 years, to get educated and have a better job!?!

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 6/26/2008 4:19:42 PM
Author: vslover

Date: 6/26/2008 3:32:49 PM
Author: Pushin40

Date: 6/26/2008 2:48:47 PM

Author: fieryred33143
Hell - my BF was unemployed for 2 years and even with a lawyer and a judge, was STILL forced to continue paying child support during that time or go to jail. Umm - something wrong with this picture????

Did you seriously think that your BF shouldn't support his children for 2 years? There's no excuse for being out of work for that long...he could have gotten a job at McDonald's if that's what it took to support his kids. OF COURSE the judge ordered him to pay...otherwise, why wouldn't all the deadbeats just stay jobless?

I knew someone would take this the wrong way! This is a very sensitive subject, I know, and I'm sorry. I know I am overly passionate but really it's a very long story with a lot ot twists and turns and this is OUR life experience and that's what we all have to go by.

I am the LAST one to say that he shouldn't have to pay child support! I SERIOUSLY would never imply that and I didn't say that.
And we are not talking about a "couple bucks" or maybe a $100 a week if he had a job at McDonald's! I would think that it could be reduced for a short period of time (still enough for her to live on and give his daugher a good life). But it is what it is. And BTW the ex has been working for the past 4 years or so (and the daugher is 12 so she isn't a baby needing daycare etc.)

But I guess somebody needs to pay for her cigarretets. You would really have to know her to understand where I'm coming from.

I think it's great you can be a SAHM. If I was a mother I would want to stay home are raise my kids too (if it were financially feesible) but if it wasn't feesible then I would work. You do what you gotta do.

And I certainly hope you are NOT implying my SO is a Deadbeat beacuse he couldn't find a job! Ouch!

I just wanted the OP to understand that I UNDERSTAND, and not everything in life is fair. I know what she is going through.

 

[Pushin40]

I'm feeling the lack of love from all the single mothers on PS!!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Sorry guys. We just have an unfair situaiton and a half crazy Ex out there.

But we continually work at improving ourselves, and our relationshipe with her, for the good of us ALL.
I think I'm probably venting too much and may be offending decent women and that was never my intention.

Am I forgiven?

 

[Scorpio_22]

unless being in that situation, with a crazy low-life ex, it is hard to understand.

I bring her kids to doctor, we pay for all after school activities and still it is never enough for a woman that does not want to work.

If at least she would take good care of her kids I would not mind...

ok I''m done venting.. lol

 

[vslover]

Date: 6/26/2008 4:55:10 PM
Author: Pushin40
I''m feeling the lack of love from all the single mothers on PS!!


WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!


Sorry guys. We just have an unfair situaiton and a half crazy Ex out there.


But we continually work at improving ourselves, and our relationshipe with her, for the good of us ALL.

I think I''m probably venting too much and may be offending decent women and that was never my intention.


Am I forgiven?

I''m not a single mother. lol

 

[vslover]

Date: 6/26/2008 4:40:10 PM
Author: Scorpio_22

Date: 6/26/2008 4:19:42 PM

Author: vslover

Date: 6/26/2008 3:32:49 PM

Author: Pushin40

Date: 6/26/2008 2:48:47 PM


Author: fieryred33143

Hell - my BF was unemployed for 2 years and even with a lawyer and a judge, was STILL forced to continue paying child support during that time or go to jail. Umm - something wrong with this picture????

Did you seriously think that your BF shouldn''t support his children for 2 years? There''s no excuse for being out of work for that long...he could have gotten a job at McDonald''s if that''s what it took to support his kids. OF COURSE the judge ordered him to pay...otherwise, why wouldn''t all the deadbeats just stay jobless?

I just want to say every situation is different.


if the woman doesn''t work it''s ok but if the guy doesn''t work why does he suddenly become a deadbeat!?!


I just think it goes both ways.. Both parents should work!! if not, they are both being very unsupportive!! but if the woman doesn''t try to hold a job why would he??


oh yeah, and please do not attack Pushin40!! Did you not stop and think her bf might have been in school those 2 years, to get educated and have a better job!?!

If the custodial parent stays home and raises the kids...she IS supporting them. And frankly, a custodial parent who decided not to financially support, clothe and feed their child for 2 years would have the child taken away. Why should a father get away with doing that?

 

[Pushin40]

VSLOVER
My post was originally for the OP and this doesn't need to be a debate between you and I. It feels like you are making some false assumptions/generalizations about my BFs situation and quire frankly you don't know the story.

Sorry I assmumed you were a single mother!! (from your avtar it looks like you may be remarreid?)
If so, I can see why you don't "need" the child suppiort and that's great for you. All the more money to put it your child's account for college someday.

 

[LostSapphire]

Date: 6/26/2008 4:18:23 PM
Author: elledizzy5
LostSapphire -

I am so sorry if you or someone you love had to go through something as terrible as that. That is absolutely awful.

I just wanted to pipe up and mention that there are multiple definitions for the word, and it was appropriately used. I doubt she meant to trivialize the word or the experience.

I hope this post didn''t offend you - I just wanted to make mention of that.

Thank you for your kindness.

I just think that people don''t realize the *power* of that word, and how difficult it can be for some of us to see it in print or to hear it used.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 6/26/2008 2:26:36 PM
Author: Scorpio_22
yes I wanted to be with him after 2 months but we decided to stay friends x 1 year to see where things would go. after a year we decided we were ready for a relationship.

By re-reading my post I understand why you are all saying I''m immature and that we need help. I guess it sounds worst in writting because if you would know me you would not say I''m immature. I agree that I DID act it though.

I know my relationship needs some work.. needs time to heal but I know that if we both want it.. IT WILL work!

This morning I was sad to think that an engagement would not be happening anytime soon but I understand why..

Everything happens for a reason and I will continue to give him the best of me. I will prove that I am worth his love and that I am ready to commit. If he still leaves at least I will know I tried..

Thank you all for your input.

Oh, sweetheart, if only it was that easy. I think anyone with a successful relationship (or even an unsuccessful one) would tell you that simply wanting something does not make it so. Successful relationships take HARD work, TRUST, honesty, maturity, etc. It sounds like you rushed into this relationship - whether you waited 1 year or 5 years - IMHO you never should''ve bought a house and moved all your kids in with a man who has not given you any commitment! These are your words. Couples move in together and never get married but they are at least committed to each other, especially with children involved. I also agree with the above post that if you were committed to the relationship as much as you wish he was (i.e. marriage), you wouldn''t be playing games and giving out your email address and reacting so strongly to a bit of attention from another man. I think you need to be true to yourself because those are not the actions of a woman who is ready to get married. I know many of the LIWs here would never think of doing such a thing - very passive aggressive and counterproductive.

The other issue I have with your post is the "child support bomb". What state do you live in? From my research about child support regulations, most states have mechanisms for reduction/modification of orders based on actual income, including changes for unemployment. Furthermore, many women who are on welfare assign their child support rights to the state in exchange for welfare (the dad isn''t paying so the state (i.e. taxpayers) have to step up and help out). Keeping child support orders in place, even at a reduced amount, will help reimburse the state/taxpayers for paying for something they really should never have to in the first place. So think about that when you think the "crazy ex" is just getting all the money. Also, child support should never be a "bomb" - it should be expected but also fair. Why would child support be a legitimate reason not to get married? You two are already living together, already have a house, jobs, etc. - most of the things people save up money for before marriage. Sounds like a huge excuse to me. Regardless of if a man has a "crazy ex" or not, HE CHOSE to have a child/ren with her so deal with it. No need to punish the KIDS for HIS choice to have sex/babies with the "crazy ex." The focus on the EX, rather than the CHILDREN, is what makes the debate on this thread sad to me.

You really need to get some self-esteem. No woman should be "afraid" of a man leaving her! Your children deserve a strong mother who will not depend on some man to tell her how much she is worth and to decide if she''s "worth his love."

FWIW I am not a single mother, have no children actually BUT I have done extensive legal research into the issues and worked in family court about these matters.

 

[bee*]

Firstly I think that marriage should be put on the back burner in this situation. At the moment, neither of you are ready for it. I think that you need to get back to basics with your relationship, with both each other and yourself. Don''t just fix things to get married, make-sure that you want to be with him for him, not for marriage. Keep with your counselling and working on yourself.

 

[katamari]

Scorpio, you have already gotten a lot of advice. But, I wanted to ask; did you suggest that your BF go to your therapist with you or for the two of you to find a couples therapist together? If it is only the first case, he might be intimidated to enter in the discussion with someone who he may feel already knows intimate details of his life.

I agree with some of the other posters that you need to be happy with the idea of spending the rest of your life happily alone before you can have a happy marriage. So that needs to be your top priority. Also, I want to point out how many major commitments the two of you have already made; you have entered into a mortgage together (way harder to get out of than a marriage) and you participate in the parenting of one another''s children. If you fear he doesn''t commit, just think about how major these things are. When you are talking to him, you may also want to try to figure out exactly how the two of you define commitment. It might not be that you are unequally devoted, but just have different ways of showing it.

And, your BF may have just been reacting to a new child support arrangement. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that he would be happy to care for his children emotionally and financially, but would rather the extent be a personal decision rather than a legal one--if not, though, you might want to think about if you want your children spending their lives with someone who would feel slighted that he has to financially support them. After all they will only get more expensive as they become young adults.

Good luck to you!

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 6/26/2008 3:32:49 PM
Author: Pushin40
It doesn't matter if you have a lawyer or not, beleive me....Oh if it were that easy.

I obviously have VERY stong feelings on this topic. Let me just say (before I get slammed) that I do not oppose child support. What I do oppose is a system where women are not held accountable for thier share of responsibility. Hell - my BF was unemployed for 2 years and even with a lawyer and a judge, was STILL forced to continue paying child support during that time or go to jail. Umm - something wrong with this picture????

Perhaps your BFs lawyer sucks.

I also have very strong feelings on this subject.

ETA: I am not a single mother either.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 6/26/2008 9:06:37 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 6/26/2008 3:32:49 PM
Author: Pushin40
It doesn''t matter if you have a lawyer or not, beleive me....Oh if it were that easy.

I obviously have VERY stong feelings on this topic. Let me just say (before I get slammed) that I do not oppose child support. What I do oppose is a system where women are not held accountable for thier share of responsibility. Hell - my BF was unemployed for 2 years and even with a lawyer and a judge, was STILL forced to continue paying child support during that time or go to jail. Umm - something wrong with this picture????

Perhaps your BFs lawyer sucks.

I also have very strong feelings on this subject.

I tend to agree...I''ve seen many child support orders modified for unemployment - as long as the parent is actively seeking employment. Otherwise, they call it "voluntary unemployment." I am NOT saying that Pushin40''s SO was this person, but maybe seek better legal representation or do some research on your own about your state''s guidelines...

 

[beebrisk]

So let''s see. You were living with a man (or married?) when you met your current boyfriend.

Although things weren''t so great "until lately", you grabbed your kids and moved them into a house you purchased with him-- entangling yourself financially to a man you are not married to and entangling your children into your drama.

Then, he has an issue with his ex and instead of supporting him or trying to help him resolve any issues he has with her, you go and flirt with another man and give him your phone number????

This isn''t high school! How about focusing on your children as opposed to what sounds like a childish relationship? What kind of message are you sending them here?

Honestly, the only thing that comes to mind is "shame on you!".

Sorry, hard to find sympathy here for you...for the children, yes. But you are old enough know better.

 

[purrfectpear]

Apologies to the OP for the threadjack but I just want to say this about child support and then I''ll stay out of it;

Child support is something the children are owed by RIGHT. You owe support even if you are on welfare (the state will garnish part of it), unemployed, or homeless. There is NO reason that the children should be denied what is their right just because the non-custodial parent has fallen on hard times (or chosen hard times, whatever the case may be).

You may despise the custodial parent, you may think he/she is a total slut/slacker/drunkard/bum and that they waste every penny, and the kids don''t see it anyway, yadda, yadda...it matters not. The court establishes support using guidelines.

All parents need to remember that when you divorce, the children''s situation in life should NOT change financially. They are ENTITLED to the same exact quality of life that they enjoyed when the two of you were together. Period. You are ditching your spouse, not your innocent children.

Can''t afford the support payments? Tough. Get over it. Get two jobs, get three, I don''t care, but pay your support.

I was a single mom and I never so much as had an arguement over support so I am not speaking of bitterness. My son lived with me until he was 14 and I received support, then lived with his dad and I paid support. We both understood our responsibility to our child.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 6/26/2008 9:46:09 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Apologies to the OP for the threadjack but I just want to say this about child support and then I''ll stay out of it;

Child support is something the children are owed by RIGHT. You owe support even if you are on welfare (the state will garnish part of it), unemployed, or homeless. There is NO reason that the children should be denied what is their right just because the non-custodial parent has fallen on hard times (or chosen hard times, whatever the case may be).

You may despise the custodial parent, you may think he/she is a total slut/slacker/drunkard/bum and that they waste every penny, and the kids don''t see it anyway, yadda, yadda...it matters not. The court establishes support using guidelines.

All parents need to remember that when you divorce, the children''s situation in life should NOT change financially. They are ENTITLED to the same exact quality of life that they enjoyed when the two of you were together. Period. You are ditching your spouse, not your innocent children.

Can''t afford the support payments? Tough. Get over it. Get two jobs, get three, I don''t care, but pay your support.

I was a single mom and I never so much as had an arguement over support so I am not speaking of bitterness. My son lived with me until he was 14 and I received support, then lived with his dad and I paid support. We both understood our responsibility to our child.

I hate when the computer eats my post.

My comments are going to be slightly off topic so I appologize up front for the thread jack.

I highlighted the above quote from PurrfectPear because I totally agree with this and not just from a financial point. These kids did not choose who their parents were going to be. It reminds me of conversations that I had with my dad shortly after he married "the witch" which resulted in my ending my relationship with a man who was part of my life for 22 years. My parents got divorced when I was in college and finances weren''t an issue for me, however, I have two yonger sisters both who were in high school at the time. As part of my parents divorce decree my dad had control of both my sisters trust funds (only about 20K in each which was invested into horrible mutual accounts for many years, another story) until they graduated from a four year college. The terminology is important here. When we were kids my mothers aunt (my great aunt) died and left each of us 20K for our college educations. Mine unfortunatley was only about 10k by the time I started college and subsuqently decided to go to a private university and subsuquently rack up almost 100K in student loans. Well, this isn''t about me. Things had escalated between my dad and his wife and on the other side my mom, me, and my two sisters since they had gotten married mostly because she is evil

. Ok, the real story. My mom had to take my dad to court to get him to release the money from my youngest sisters trust fund to pay for her education. I mean common, the money was hers left to her by my great aunt on my mother side. My dad stated in court that he didn''t release it to her because it states that the money was there to pay for a four year program and my sister had chosen to go to a five year double major program. I mean, are you kidding me? The money wasn''t his! Not to mention that my youngest sister is the nicest person in the world. She seriously doesn''t have a harsh bone in her body. People love her.

What is my point, people can change at any moment. Scorpio 22''s intended''s ex may think that things are changing and she needs to protect their children and I personally know first hand why. I hope that in her defense it isn''t for malicious reasons but I do understand why.

Scorpio, I will post more to you next. Anytime anyone wants to hear the rest of my story with my dad (oh yes, there is much more) let me know and I''ll post in a seperate thread. His wife is the devil.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Scorpio 22. Its my opinion that we often do things we regret when we start to feel unloved or underappreciated. Obviously you know you were wrong otherwise you wouldn''t have posted it here. Sometimes insecurites get the best of us and hopefully since it didn''t go further than that your SO will see that and learn that the trust is still there. It really didn''t have anything to do with how you feel about SO. We aren''t perfect and sometimes things like this happen, not saying that it should but its also proven to you where your mind is at. That is valuable information for self learning and loving. Anyway, it sounds like you already have a handle on that. You are the only one that can make things right with your SO. I must add that I think therapy works for some people but I don''t think it is for everyone nor do I think that it helps everyone. Therapy is not always the answer to solving problems in relationships, it may be a good aid for some people but that is definatley a personal decision.

People make mistakes, we are human. Its easy to start resenting someone when they aren''t giving you excatly what you want. When I got to this point I took a good look at myself and had to realize why. I was rushing things in my relationship. My relationship has taken its course very naturally and I love that now. At the time of my said resentment I was trying to rush things for my own purposes because of my personal insecurities. I''ve delt with them now and years later things have progressed the way they should have from the beginning. I''m only telling you this because I think I can relate. Anyway, we each have our own insecurites and to say that we don''t is just weird. From now on its how you choose to deal with them as it relates to your relationship.

As a person who spent years in therapy, I can tell you, that while it helped for me to understand my self and where my insecurites come from it doesn''t mean that they magically disapeared. Its just that now I know what they are an realize that it is me and not my SO that is causing them. My point is about self realization and I think you have that. Now take that information on yourself and apply that to your relationship and in time I think you''ll get what you want otherwise you''ll move on.

Best of luck to you.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Sorry for my book above, I actually have to work today and then we are going to a wedding OOT for the weekend. I''ll check back up with you all on Monday.

 

[Scorpio_22]

Date: 6/27/2008 6:11:25 AM
Author: emeraldlover1
Scorpio 22. Its my opinion that we often do things we regret when we start to feel unloved or underappreciated. Obviously you know you were wrong otherwise you wouldn''t have posted it here.

Thank you Emerald for your understanding.. I was starting to feel like the "bad one" on PS.

 

[Scorpio_22]

Date: 6/26/2008 9:09:21 PM
Author: beebrisk
So let''s see. You were living with a man (or married?) when you met your current boyfriend.

Please do not judge my actions by my previous relationship,

it was an abusive (physically and emotionally) relationship.

.which I was going to get out of no matter what. My bf was a friend at that time and he helped me through those hard times.. during these times I fell in love but he was scared to be a rebound so we waited 1 year.

oh yeah .. and for those worrying about our children, they are very happy with us.. begging us to stay with us full time. They all get along and have adjusted to our new living situation perfectly. We NEVER include them in our fights. We need some work between the two of us but we ARE MATURE ENOUGH to have the best interest of our kids in mind.

 

[Aloros]

On Child Support - I think for the most part the system is fair. I think that it has been biased toward mothers in the past, but I also believe that it is moving, or has already moved, toward a more balanced position. I''m living in an unfair child support situation right now, where one child is receiving much more financial support than the other. We hope to go to court and get this remedied at some point in the near future, but lawyers just aren''t cheap or even very affordable. I also worry about a friend, whose ex-gf is pregnant. Although my friend is very much the more suitable parent (his ex is nuts - physically and verbally abusive), there''s still this societal thought that the children belong with the mother. He''s documenting and filing police reports for when she''s attacked him, so I''m hoping that this will be enough to get him custody.

On the OP - You made a mistake. It''s unfortunately a pretty egregious one. It''s going to take time and a lot of work to gain back your bf''s trust. I do think you should consider counseling, with him preferably, or without him if he won''t go. You don''t want to get into the habit of bailing out when things start to get a little rough. Consider too, your children - you need to set the most mature example for them possible. Your bf sounds like he spoke in the heat of the moment (I hope his kids didn''t hear him

).

Good luck!

 

[beebrisk]

I was not "judging" as you say... I was merely reacting to the facts you laid out.

Were you asking for support in your original post? Or did you just want to hear what you wanted to hear...a chorus of ''poor you!''?

From what you''ve said so far, I can''t agree that you are ''mature enough'' and look after the best interest of your children. You had them living with you in an abusive relationship, then sometime later moved in with another man who you now think might not marry you because frankly, you acted like a teenager when things got a little rough. In my opinion none of this behavior is "mature".

None of my business, but my assumption is your abusive ex is not your kids father. So based on that, my conclusion is that you''ve taught your children that going from man to man to man, unmarried each time, is A-OKAY.

Where is the stability for them? Where is a consistent home life?

While you may not ''include the children in your fights'', believe me they know. And they feel it. This man isn''t their dad and you guys aren''t married--Even more of a reason why they''d feel insecure and scared if there are big problems between you two. You''ve already moved out of one relationship with them, why risk putting them through that again?? Trust me, they know when the two major adult influences in their lives are having issues with each other. They do know.

Bottom line is, your kids deserve to have a mom who is married and in a stable, loving environment--Not being moved from home to home and from abuse to uncertainty.

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

Date: 6/27/2008 4:15:00 PM
Author: beebrisk
I was not ''judging'' as you say... I was merely reacting to the facts you laid out.

Were you asking for support in your original post? Or did you just want to hear what you wanted to hear...a chorus of ''poor you!''?

From what you''ve said so far, I can''t agree that you are ''mature enough'' and look after the best interest of your children. You had them living with you in an abusive relationship, then sometime later moved in with another man who you now think might not marry you because frankly, you acted like a teenager when things got a little rough. In my opinion none of this behavior is ''mature''.

None of my business, but my assumption is your abusive ex is not your kids father. So based on that, my conclusion is that you''ve taught your children that going from man to man to man, unmarried each time, is A-OKAY.

Where is the stability for them? Where is a consistent home life?

While you may not ''include the children in your fights'', believe me they know. And they feel it. This man isn''t their dad and you guys aren''t married--Even more of a reason why they''d feel insecure and scared if there are big problems between you two. You''ve already moved out of one relationship with them, why risk putting them through that again?? Trust me, they know when the two major adult influences in their lives are having issues with each other. They do know.

Bottom line is, your kids deserve to have a mom who is married and in a stable, loving environment--Not being moved from home to home and from abuse to uncertainty.

Whoa, I think this is really harsh and that you are making a lot of unwarranted assumptions about the OP here!
Frankly, we do not know anything about the OP except what she has told us and I think that it is unfair to say that she is teaching her children that going from "man to man to man" is ok. She mentioned that she was in an abusive relationship and left that and did not get together with her now BF for a year. Rather than criticizing her for having her children live with her in an abusive relationship, I think that she should be COMMENDED for getting out of it, as it often takes a lot of willpower and courage to get out of such a relationship!!!
She also mentioned that she has bought a house and has been with her current BF for some time and that their respective children get along...this sounds pretty stable to me. Stability does not necessarily have to include marriage, why would that be a prerequisite to a "stable" life. I don''t get it.
The OP realizes that she did something wrong when she gave the other man her email address, but she obviously did it out of anger, and I don''t think that necessarily means that she was going to do anything with that man. She came here because she realized that she made a mistake, as we ALL do sometimes, and needed some support.
I understand that we all have our opinions, but I just thought this was a little harsh, IMHO.

In any case, scorpio, I think the best advice is, as always, communication, communication, communication!

I won''t even touch on the child support issue!

 

[beebrisk]

Date: 6/27/2008 5:18:11 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl

Date: 6/27/2008 4:15:00 PM

Author: beebrisk

I was not ''judging'' as you say... I was merely reacting to the facts you laid out.


Were you asking for support in your original post? Or did you just want to hear what you wanted to hear...a chorus of ''poor you!''?


From what you''ve said so far, I can''t agree that you are ''mature enough'' and look after the best interest of your children. You had them living with you in an abusive relationship, then sometime later moved in with another man who you now think might not marry you because frankly, you acted like a teenager when things got a little rough. In my opinion none of this behavior is ''mature''.


None of my business, but my assumption is your abusive ex is not your kids father. So based on that, my conclusion is that you''ve taught your children that going from man to man to man, unmarried each time, is A-OKAY.


Where is the stability for them? Where is a consistent home life?


While you may not ''include the children in your fights'', believe me they know. And they feel it. This man isn''t their dad and you guys aren''t married--Even more of a reason why they''d feel insecure and scared if there are big problems between you two. You''ve already moved out of one relationship with them, why risk putting them through that again?? Trust me, they know when the two major adult influences in their lives are having issues with each other. They do know.


Bottom line is, your kids deserve to have a mom who is married and in a stable, loving environment--Not being moved from home to home and from abuse to uncertainty.

Whoa, I think this is really harsh and that you are making a lot of unwarranted assumptions about the OP here!

Frankly, we do not know anything about the OP except what she has told us and I think that it is unfair to say that she is teaching her children that going from ''man to man to man'' is ok. She mentioned that she was in an abusive relationship and left that and did not get together with her now BF for a year. Rather than criticizing her for having her children live with her in an abusive relationship, I think that she should be COMMENDED for getting out of it, as it often takes a lot of willpower and courage to get out of such a relationship!!!

She also mentioned that she has bought a house and has been with her current BF for some time and that their respective children get along...this sounds pretty stable to me. Stability does not necessarily have to include marriage, why would that be a prerequisite to a ''stable'' life. I don''t get it.

The OP realizes that she did something wrong when she gave the other man her email address, but she obviously did it out of anger, and I don''t think that necessarily means that she was going to do anything with that man. She came here because she realized that she made a mistake, as we ALL do sometimes, and needed some support.

I understand that we all have our opinions, but I just thought this was a little harsh, IMHO.


In any case, scorpio, I think the best advice is, as always, communication, communication, communication!


I won''t even touch on the child support issue!

In what world does moving in with a man who the OP stated isn''t ''committed'' to her equal a stable home life for children? It''s one thing to be single and live with a man you hope will give you your "dream of one day getting married", but when there are children involved, that''s a whole different story. After her ''flirtation'' with the other man, she''s not even sure her BF is going to stay with her! What then? Was she thinking of her kids when she did that? No, she was angry and wanted to hit back with a completely childish act. This does not sound to me like a strong, loving, supportive and *stable* relationship. I won''t mince words...it''s just downright irresponsible and egregiously selfish. This is not the behavior of a mature mother putting her kids first. Sorry, its not.