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Help...mother in law and dog may not mix!

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diamondfan

diamondfan

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My mother in law is coming to my home for Thanksgiving. We have gotten a puppy since she was here last ( she will be a year on Friday). She is lovely, sweet, nicely behaved, very gentle. She does not bark a lot, does not jump a lot and is not a big shedder. Problem is my mother in law HATES animals. I knwo she is going to be nasty to my dog, shooing her, complaining about her, making me put her outside all the time...and I am worried. My kids will not like it either and I just know since she is NOT an animal lover, she will not appreciate how sweet my girl is...I do not want to bitch her out during the holiday but want her to behave, and I am ninety nine percent sure she won't! It is bugging me already!!! I know this seems like a weird problem, but if anyone has dealt with this type of thing before, I would love to know how you handled it...
 
Firmly tell you MIL that the dog is a part of your family, and you and your children would appreciate it if she would treat her with respect. Tell her that it upsets the children when their dog is mistreated, and the dog will not be put outside.

I''m sorry if it''s a little harsh, but I cannot stand people who dislike animals.
 
Your house, your rules. Just tell her that your puppy is part of the family and keep her away from the MIL as much as possible. That way your MIL won''t have as much reason to complain. People that don''t like animals just boggle my mind.
 
Me too. And the thingis, my dog is so awesome, but I am sure she will sense the vibe from my mother in law...my mil is just plain nasty in general and gets very demanding and nasty about things. My kids love their dog (and do not really love nana because they think nana is not nice) and I know if she starts with my Maya, bitching that she is dirty or getting too close or whatever, my kids are going to be mad and so am I!
 
Date: 11/7/2006 12:09:26 AM
Author:diamondfan
My mother in law is coming to my home for Thanksgiving. We have gotten a puppy since she was here last ( she will be a year on Friday). She is lovely, sweet, nicely behaved, very gentle. She does not bark a lot, does not jump a lot and is not a big shedder. Problem is my mother in law HATES animals. I knwo she is going to be nasty to my dog, shooing her, complaining about her, making me put her outside all the time...and I am worried. My kids will not like it either and I just know since she is NOT an animal lover, she will not appreciate how sweet my girl is...I do not want to bitch her out during the holiday but want her to behave, and I am ninety nine percent sure she won''t! It is bugging me already!!! I know this seems like a weird problem, but if anyone has dealt with this type of thing before, I would love to know how you handled it...
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You''re so lucky to have a MIL like this....oh...that''s the puppy
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Ha! I only wish my mother in law were half as nice as my dog!!!!
 
hotel
 
Baby gates. Install in the entrance to MIL''s room. That way the dog can''t get to her and you will always know where she is!
 
Hotel sounds great, I did acutally book a couple rooms at one nearby but know she will never stay there and miss being with the other houseguests we have coming. I have gates up now, and the dog does not go upstairs. She sleeps downstairs in a crate and is not all over the house...I think I will just have to tell her to stop it and ignore her, but I know it will bug my kids too!
 
Oh booo.
As a dog lover that''s hard... baby gates is the way to go. You never know, though, maybe your sweet puppy can be the
dog ambassador for your MIL!
My stepmother actually really dislikes dogs, but she was super sweet to both my big drooly great danes
when last she visited.
Make sure that there are clear boundaries so that your MIL can feel like she has her space, though. I guess as dog lovers sometimes
it''s hard to see the perspective of someone else.
Good luck!
 
It's your house and you're the boss. This is one of those situations where you'll probably need to lay down the law to her. Your dog is a member of your household; your MIL is not. If she doesn't like being in the same house with the dog, she is free to stay at a hotel.
 
Agree, your house, your rules. My mom and my former mother-in-law both smoked when I got married the first time, and after his death I insisted neither smoke in my new place. My former MIL still visits us and FH, and does not smoke in our house. Mom never set foot in my place. That is what hotels are made for.

If one of your kids ask Nana why she is so nasty, don''t discipline the kid too hard. My daughter has cured a lot of my mother''s flat out evil behavior by being an honest kid and embarassing her into behaving better.
 
I am an animal lover but I understand that all people don''t feel the same way for a variety of reasons and that''s okay. Have you let her know the dog lives indoors and will continue to do so while she visits? I might offer to board the dog and share the cost with her (she''ll more likely than not turn you down on this offer) or offer her the opportunity to stay at a hotel. If she says no, you gave her options and can remind her of that if and when she starts to complain.
 
I totally repsect someone''s views, but my mil gets nasty and goes overboard to get attention. My kids know I am not fond of her, but I have tried to be pleasant which is taxing when she really goes for it. I do not want to board her since we are boarding her at the holidays and she is in treatment right now for something and needs to be supervised a bit more closely. I am also afraid to bring up the dog issue in advance because I think it will plant a seed that will grow in her mind and she will walk in my door ready to start the complaining. My friend said tell her between the the two b*tches, the dog stays and she goes!!! I almost wet my pants laughing. I am hoping that she can get with the program, realize she is a guest, realize that my dog is not trying to get in HER way, and just overall have her be a pleasant part of the house for the week. Her sister is also coming, and she loves dogs, so I hope she will be the voice of reason (as she usually is when her sister gets out of line) but I just do not want to have this as an ongoing issue while I have other guests and am trying to entertain etc...
 
I totally understand not wanting to board her, I suggested that route as I assumed most people, including her, would turn the offer down and then when the complaints started coming you could gently remind her.

If she''s as annoying as you say this is what I would do:

"Honey, I love you and I am happy to have your mom come visit, but I do not want to deal with her complaints about our dog. You are responsible for ensuring that she doesn''t make the holiday unpleasant. If that means you need to talk to her in advance, please do. If that means you book a hotel room for her and tell her she''s not staying here, please do. Whatever it takes to make this a stess free and enjoyable holiday I am trusting that you will do that for your family. I love you."
 
That is our standard conversation whenever she is about to appear...and though he fights me for being worried about things in advance, I think he gets it now that I am not usually wrong about what she will or won''t do...and if I offered to board her my mil would say GOOD, because I do not like dogs. (Her daughter had one, granted it was hyper and not well behaved, but she NEVER missed the chance to make nasty comments and tell my sister in law to get rid of "that animal")...My hubby knows what she is like, even though it hurts him to concede the point. My middle son said that nana is good at annoying people and making them feel bad! I would love to tell my mil, who thinks she is a great grandmother, what her grandsons think of her!!!
 
If my husband refused to step in I''d book her a hotel room and then send her a lovely note letting her know that I had done so for her convenience. That way she can''t argue.
 
Date: 11/7/2006 8:28:23 AM
Author: Tybee
I guess as dog lovers sometimes it''s hard to see the perspective of someone else.
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Indeed. There is something about owning a dog that gives some people tunnel-vision.
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Let me offer a somewhat contrary opinion to original poster here: You are hosting a guest in your home. It is your obligation to make that guest reasonably comfortable, or not host her at all. Of course, she has an obligation to be a good houseguest, but that''s on her, not you. The baby-gates suggestion seems like a sound one to me. If the kids love the dog that much, keep it shut up in their rooms or their end of the house for the weekend. It''s only a few days--not a life sentence.

You may love your dog; that doesn''t mean the rest of the world does too, or is somehow obligated to. Many people who appear to "dislike animals" really have more of a problem with animal owners. I personally like dogs and have owned a couple. It''s the inconsiderate dog owners--the ones who ignore leash laws, let their dogs jump all over people they don''t even know, and don''t bother cleaning up after them in pubilc--who drive me bananas.
 
I do not have a love me love my dog attitude generally and I understand that not all people like dogs, or are afraid of them. I am also a very good host, but she is a nightmare and I just cannot deal with her overall attitude and it just makes it hard to tolerate her general way of acting, from not liking my cereal selection when I have TWENTY different kinds, including what she told me she like the LAST trip, to complaining it is too hot or too cold (always the opposite of what everyone else feels)...I am always a gracious hostess, but she would try anyone''s patience and I just know how she can be, and when she is wanting to start something, she does not shut up about it, because she loves an audience. I will certainly keep the dog away from her as much as I can, but she really only stays in our kitchen/breakfast area as it is...there are gates and invisible fences throughout the rest of the house...
 
Date: 11/7/2006 11:40:56 AM
Author: diamondfan
Her sister is also coming, and she loves dogs, so I hope she will be the voice of reason (as she usually is when her sister gets out of line) but I just do not want to have this as an ongoing issue while I have other guests and am trying to entertain etc...
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Team up with your aunt-in-law! Easy solution - explain the situation, you can say your kids are worried grandma won''t like the puppy, and you''re asking for ideas on helping them warm up to each other. And don''t let your MIL and the puppy be in the same room alone - always have a witness in case she accuses the puppy of something outrageous, like jumping on the dining room table.
 
Date: 11/7/2006 12:18:18 PM
Author: diamondfan
I do not have a love me love my dog attitude generally and I understand that not all people like dogs, or are afraid of them. I am also a very good host, but she is a nightmare and I just cannot deal with her overall attitude and it just makes it hard to tolerate her general way of acting, from not liking my cereal selection when I have TWENTY different kinds, including what she told me she like the LAST trip, to complaining it is too hot or too cold (always the opposite of what everyone else feels)...I am always a gracious hostess, but she would try anyone''s patience and I just know how she can be, and when she is wanting to start something, she does not shut up about it, because she loves an audience. I will certainly keep the dog away from her as much as I can, but she really only stays in our kitchen/breakfast area as it is...there are gates and invisible fences throughout the rest of the house...
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Sounds to me like the dog is the least of your problems. I think you may have reached the, "Mother, I think you would be happier staying in a hotel, since you''ve made it clear you don''t enjoy yourself here at all" stage.
 
Your MIL is never happy it seems. She''s ruined vacations, etc.. I think it''s time for some tough love here. Say listen missy, behave or else!! She enjoys creating drama. Thank god her sister is coming, maybe she can help keep her in line. But if I were you, I''d set the tone for the visit before she arrives. Ask her if she''d more comfortable in a Hotel because of Maya. Worth a shot at least? Good luck!!!
 
K...I booked rooms at the Radnor and though I can squeeze all the people here with bunk beds and sleeping bags, I am NOT letting the rooms go. At any point if she is an a**hole, I can drop her at the hotel!!

I may ask her sis to help, she is always the one who is kind and recognizes efforts put forth on my part. My mother in law is simply a nasty woman who feels entitled to whatever she wants when she wants it. She is all about the drama and loves an audience. She is a know it all who really knows very little and is just nasty to be with for more than 5 minutes. My older two kids could take or leave her (mostly leave) and my little guy is too young to know better! (lucky him, ignorance is bliss!)
 
Some women act that way because they feel insecure. Maybe she feels you aren't paying enough attention to her.

Maybe if you checked in with her a LOT -- like OVERDO it -- saying, "Are you too hot or too cold? How can I make you more comfortable, MOM?" Need a blanket or a sweater, Mom? Can I pick up your favorite cereal, Mom? I know you didn't like what we had last time.

And say I love you a lot to her. Rarely are people horrible when you tell them that you love them over and over again.

And even ask, "Is the dog bothering you? I can maybe put her in the crate for a while. I know you like your space, MOM."

Sometimes MILs may feel like they're losing their sons or that they're being left behind. It's the spoiled child syndrome of "if I don't get loving attention, I'll settle for hostility even! Bad attention is better than no attention!"

I'd totally change the dynamic. She is an old woman, probably. Sounds like she doesn't have much to live for, so that's what is hurting her. People who have good lives don't act like that. It's a result of some kind of pain -- fears, unhappiness or etc.

She probably has no way to cope and is just lashing out at whoever and whatever is near her. It's really kind of sad. Can you imagine how UNHAPPY she is the rest of the year when she's at home? YIKES!!!!!!

If you try to fill that hole in her heart, maybe she will stop being so intolerable! Love is so much stronger than hate. And you have LOTS of love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Besides, the more love you give... the more you have to give! It's a win-win!
 
Julian, I totally see your point. And, believe it or not, that was ONE of the many approaches I tried in the last 17 years...and it just made things worse. She is 71, old but not that old, and she has been like this from day one. I appreciate all the advice, trust me when I say she is conniving and any technique one could try just does not work. Now I just outright tell her to cool it. Stops her in her tracks most of the time til she can regroup and come up with a new annoyance...

I came to see she just LIKES to have things to complain about. Makes them up if need be. Reality or truth are of no consequence.

She had a bad marriage, husband died, and she is now dating a nice man after many years of solitude. DH and i do not know how he stands her, but he does not live with her so at least he can leave.

She is lonely because she is NOT NICE.

Her son (my dh) and her daughter are both very very successful and take VERY good care of her. Yet she is always complaining, peevish, nasty etc. We bought her a very nice plasma tv for her birthday, at her demand. Paid to have it installed, paid the electrician to come and hook up special outlets. All we heard was "He did a bad job" (she chose him) and "He got my rugs dirty and I just cleaned them, I am going to make him pay to clean them"...you get the idea. Not a mention of thanks for her gift, which cost thousands and was given upon demand by her. My mom always says No good deed goes unpunished and boy, I have learned. I would run around here getting things I saw her eat on prior visits. Stuff I did not use in my home, got it for her only. I would tell her I got it and she would make a face and say, Oh, I never eat THAT, etc...again, I am not crazy, I saw her get it at the store, and now that I go out of my way, she has to be a beyotch. Now when she complains, I say, Oh well and changed the subject or discover I have a pressing matter in the other room (mainlining valium maybe?!)... Mostly now I am selectively deaf to her constant crap, and once in a while I say, You''re a big girl and I am sure you can manage for a week...or Oh well, this is what I have, so I understand if you don''t want it but it is what it is...
 
HI:

DF, hope you don''t mind me asking, and not that this will help you with your upcoming visit, but is your MIL clinically depressed? Symptoms can manifest themselves as anger....

Sharon
 
I could arm chair diagnose (I have a masters in clinical psych)...I would think there is some nugget to that, since her life has not been moonlight and roses and she is not an introspective or thoughtful person. Meaning, she would not know what to do, how to improve things, and she totally does not believe in therapy on any level. So, yes, it is not out of the question, but since she would never go to a clinician, she would never know, and even if people try to gently say it to her, she knows everything and would not concede the point. Funny, cause she does not think therapy works and she is SUCH a candidate! The irony is too much...
 
Diamondfan, just read through your thread here... any way you can slip her a "mickey"? LOL. I''m sure you''ve entertained that thought already, tee hee. Seriously, though...is there ANYTHING that makes her happy? Anything at all you can think of or that you know of that would keep her at least occupied for some of the holiday time where she could kind of take over and it wouldn''t be disastrous? Such as looking through picture albums of old with the grandkids, or talking about herself/her life in general with an audience? I don''t know...I am just spinning my wheels here probably. She just sounds like an attention fiend, and not in a good way, but I was wondering how you could maybe turn that into a positive for everyone involved. If you can''t, then by all means, stick her in a corner and keep telling her to "cool it." And don''t let her rain on your parade!
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Not much makes her happy I am sad to say, except being a ginormous ass. She does like to shop (never buys, thinks everything costs too much) so I can give her the keys to our third car and let her loose on the general population. Scary thought, she is the WORST driver (thinks she is the best and everyone else on the road sucks) and she may end up in Delaware or Jersey (not so bad after all!)...she is NOT a grandmotherly type, not into my three great gorgeous kids, they know it and cannot stand her!!! But the distract idea ain''t bad!
 
For crying out loud, how can the woman not LOVE your little baby doggie in her/his (I forget) CUPCAKE collar and lead? If she can resist that, she is truly EVIL. LOL!

I hope you find something to keep her occupied. Does she like sweets? Could you maybe bake something chocolate-y and sneak some P*t into it? LOL.
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