HELP please! before he comes home today

[ilovesparkles]

OK, so I am really bad. Most of you know I am at my BF staying with him over spring break. And I have been working on my thesis here via his computer. Wait, I have a to back up a little. Now its not exactly somethng I go bragging about but we met on this dumb voting site not myspace like we tell everyone. After we became serious he canceled his membership to this site and I followed suit. Ok back to me on his computer... I have been working on my thesis and um "accidently" opened his documents folder on his computer and found a folder and webpage saved to his harddrive labeled from this site. Now I am really bad at snooping and it was all over once I saw the file. He changed his screen name oh so slightly and rejoined this site at the beginning of this month. SHould I be mad or alarmed? Why didn''t he tell me? How can I confront him without me being the bad guy? SHould I even care?

OMG I am so sick to my stomach I don''t know what to do! I know I shouldn''t have been checking things out and seeing what is on his computer but I was sick of staring at my thesis and was just dinking around. HELP ME PLEASE!

Amanda

 

[sistagrl2004]

Is it a harmless profile or is it one saying he''s open for business? How long have you been together?

 

[JenStone]

How terrible! It may just be nothing - he may not even use the site anymore. However, I do think you should confront him about this, especially since this is the site where you guys met.

I had a similar experience when I found out that my ex had signed up for online dating sites...while we were still together. Ouch!

Good luck!

 

[JenStone]

If it helps at all, the way I approached my ex was, "Someone I know told me that they saw your profile up at ____. Is that true?"

 

[AmberWaves]

Wait, so he cancelled the membership a while back, and now he''s back on, with a new name, just this month? Weird. I say talk to him. Tell him the truth. And if it''s hot or not, don''t feel bad.. A TON of people met that way, but I''d be worried if he came back on to that site, or one like that. Talk to him.

 

[Angela1977]

I''m a little confused...at the risk of sounding stupid, what''s a voting site?

 

[ilovesparkles]

Ok well for starters those that don''t know about us, if you wanna read my story it is right here : https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/my-story-looking-for-opinions.40770/

We have been serious since the end of october 2005, he deleted his profile in like November. If I remember correctly there is a "committed relationship" options, and this time around he has chosen to be categorized as "dating". The other problem is I am a smart cookie. THe files from the site were downloaded March 6th. So I am assuming he rejoined shortly before that. I flew out here the 15th. I''m just lost and feel nauseous. I want to curl up right now but not in his bed. Argh!

BTW if and when I approach him tonight I think I''ll tell him I was looking for music to listen to on his computer and found that instead. It is out in plain site if you open the "My Documents" folder on his computer desk. My only consolation right now, he wasn''t ling about not owning any ****

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 3/23/2006 10:30:47 AM
Author: Angela1977
I''m a little confused...at the risk of sounding stupid, what''s a voting site?

Its a site you go on and vote on how hot people are. For this case it was bangme.net. The name alone is shame enough for me

 

[Angela1977]

NO SWEETIE!!! Don''t be ashamed...

However...I would definitely confront him. You can''t plan on spending the rest of your life with someone you can''t trust. If he freaks out, then that''s too bad. It''s like discovering a murder because you walked into a house you weren''t supposed to be in...

 

[~*Alexis*~]

I had a similar situatuon. My boyfriend had a yahoo personals page. He rejoined it after we were together. I know he wants to marry me ( i think he has ordered the ring) so I just learned to deal with it. But He wants friends and I can see that so I am not upset about it at all. I would just ask him. With a site by that name, maybe he wants his ego boosted or a little assurance that he is attractive.

 

[JenStone]

Date: 3/23/2006 10:34:22 AM
Author: ilovesparkles
Ok well for starters those that don''t know about us, if you wanna read my story it is right here : https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/my-story-looking-for-opinions.40770/

We have been serious since the end of october 2005, he deleted his profile in like November. If I remember correctly there is a ''committed relationship'' options, and this time around he has chosen to be categorized as ''dating''. The other problem is I am a smart cookie. THe files from the site were downloaded March 6th. So I am assuming he rejoined shortly before that. I flew out here the 15th. I''m just lost and feel nauseous. I want to curl up right now but not in his bed. Argh!

BTW if and when I approach him tonight I think I''ll tell him I was looking for music to listen to on his computer and found that instead. It is out in plain site if you open the ''My Documents'' folder on his computer desk. My only consolation right now, he wasn''t ling about not owning any ****

Let me get this straight....so it says on his current profile now that he is "Dating"?

I just IMed my boyfriend so we can get a male''s perspective on this. He said that it''s probably nothing and that we girls always overanalyze everything.

If your boyfriend''s current profile lists him as "dating" i don''t think you have much to worry about. However, I would confront him about setting up a new acct and never telling you about it. Just bring it up casually one day.

 

[Mandarine]

Sparkles..I''m so sorry...I would be furious!!

This happened to me with my EX....he rejoind a dating site with a new name...and I found out. I just flat out told him I had seen him....I still kept dating him, but it didn''t last long...

I think it is sneaky for him to change his name...and it''s just not right in my mind. I would definitely say somehting...just say you saved your thesis my mistake on His Documents folder and went to open it and found that. I am sorry to say but I would be alarmed

I say talk to him....and if it were me I couldn''t stand staying over with him tonight...but that''s just me...I think I would leave (I have done this before)...but that s just how I am, when I''m mad and feel lied to I need to get away and "think"...

Good luck and we are all here for you!!!!

 

[Mandarine]

Does t say that he is "Dating" (as in dating someone) or "Dating" as in open to date around??
very different....

Jenstone, your BF is right...we do over-analyze things (I am particularly guilty)...but I hate feeling cheated or lied to

I hate this type of situations...wish we could be more help!

 

[sumbride]

It''s good that you found it now, because the way he handles this will tell you a lot about him. He knows its there and he knows that you guys agreed to delete your profiles from that site. The fact that he then created a new one is actually a lie, and you do need to know that. I would say, "I found something on your computer today that I want to ask you about..." he may immediately know what you''re talking about. If not, you can show him... but I bet he knows right away and his guilty conscious kicks in. If you don''t feel up to this, JenStone''s reply would work too, but would give him more leeway to lie to you about it.

Give him a chance to explain... tell him how it made you feel... and definitely decide if his explanation is good enough for YOU.

I''ve been through this myself, and he did know exactly what I was talking about when I said "I saw..." ... and it was bad, lots of crying, etc... But we had a good talk about it, he explained it, we worked out the issues, and it all worked out perfectly for us. I think it may have even brought us closer.

 

[Mandarine]

Maybe just ask him straight out if he has rejoined the site? to see if he lies or comes clean?

If he lies then you have proof and "expose" him....this is more evil

, but I like the idea...at least you get to see his reaction...

 

[princessv]

Well here was my situation and my take on things:

My ex and I were dating and having problems, but were still supposedly ''seriously committed.'' One day, out of the blue he tells me that he joined HotorNot. Not knowing much about the site, I just took his word for it that he was just there to be rated. I was young, 20 and naive. We continued dating and still having problems and one weekend, he disappeared. (he had done this previously and I never got a straight answer...I had a feeling he cheated). Anyway, after that weekend, the next couple of weeks, things were fine when one day he left his cell phone. It kept ringing and I picked up. It was a 36 year old woman that he had met off HotorNot and had an affair with...well anyway we got in a fight..and get this she called 78 times in one hour (all missed calls). I''m sorry but ''no friend'' calls 78 times in one hour.

My stupid self, still stayed with him after that for about two months. Turns out, he had set up an all new email account and re-registered. Who knows how many people he cheated on me with?

My opinion is that if one is supposedly in a serious relationship, there is no need for them to sign up for sites like this unless they are 1) looking for others to date etc. 2) are so insecure that they need to feel ''attractive.''

Sorry I know my post is a little harsh but that was just my experience personally.

 

[MissAva]

Ask him but dont confront him, but if it were me I would not be a happy camper.

 

[fire&ice]

I want to say - from a mature perspective - women DO NOT over analyze. We are intuitive & more curious by nature. If you think something is off, it usually is. I would definitely approach him head on. Better to know now & upfront then later with more invested in the relationship. Trust your gut. Good luck.

 

[Erin]

Set up your own new screen name with something that is a tip-off that it''s you - then contact him via the site

 

[wedding_crasher]

This is quite the catch-22...if you tell him you saw the saved site, he''ll probably think you were snooping around. Even if you weren''t, that what it will seem like. That could make him think you don''t trust him (and maybe you shouldn''t). If you don''t tell him, it will just bother you and that''s unhealthy too. Did you go out to the site and look for him? I''m not sure how it works but do you need to register in order to vote? Maybe he likes to vote on people, just for kicks and needed to reregister. Why did he download a file from the site anyway (do you need to when you register? Was it a link to a person?)?

If you really do want to snoop and see what he''s been up to, check the history on the computer and see if it gives you any more info on what he''s been doing on that site. That could put your mind at ease, or it could make even more furious. And if it''s the latter, you better be prepared to do some explaining yourself (when you go off on him).

I know it''s something that needs to be discussed, but just a warning - this could blow up into an huge trust issue. He won''t know if he can trust you since you "snooped" on his computer and you won''t know about trusting him because of the site.

I don''t know...just a guy''s perpective on it (and one that''s dealt with a real snooping gf).

 

[caligal]

Oh goodness! I have a total bias in this case, so take what I say with a grain of salt o.k.? I met my ex on a dating website and things were great. About 5 months in the relationship I felt him pull away, become less available, etc... It was at that time I decided to see if he was still on the site- to my shock and horror he never pulled his registration! I told him I was helping my girlfriend look at sites and printed off his ad asking if this was him. He said yes, he just goes there to look at cute girls... harmless. I believed him and stuck around for another 7 months- which he kept pulling away and eventually we broke up. He had serious commitment issues! Honestly, you absolutely need to talk to him about this and tell him how surprised you were to see him on the site. Tell him how you feel.

 

[decodelighted]

A) it was on his computer. he KNEW you were coming to do work ON HIS COMPUTER. he might want to get caught.

B) didn''t you guys get into a fight & almost/really break up early this month? Maybe he re-registered during the couple days you were "in limbo"?

C) there''s already SO MUCH I don''t like about this guy, this situation, your expectations that it''s hard for me to keep a clear head about it. My "run! run!" sirens have been going off since your first post. But that''s just me.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 3/23/2006 10:40:55 AM
Author: ~*Alexis*~
I had a similar situatuon. My boyfriend had a yahoo personals page. He rejoined it after we were together. I know he wants to marry me ( i think he has ordered the ring) so I just learned to deal with it. But He wants friends and I can see that so I am not upset about it at all. I would just ask him. With a site by that name, maybe he wants his ego boosted or a little assurance that he is attractive.

A boyfriend or girlfriend should not be joinging a personal dating service to just make friends. I don''t think this is something anyone should ''deal with''. He should be getting the ego boost from you, not strangers...

ilovesparkles, is bangme his screen name?

You need to comfront him about this, don''t let it go.

 

[Caribou]

I just read your ''break up'' post. Your boyfriend seems impulsive when it comes to relationships. He met a girl and within 2 months moved to another state to be with her?? The two of you have only been together since the end of Oct?? You need to slow it down. I agree with deco, my first thought is run and FAST!

Some women have a tendancy to accept things that they shouldn''t (I''ve been there). I think your man saying that he is hesitant about commitment because of his past mistakes is doing nothing more than making excuses. Almost everyone that has dated more than one person has had a bad breakup....most of us recover. He''s not the first person who has been cheated on...he needs to get over it and not punish you for it (which is what he''s doing). Also, going back to your break up thread, I agree with everyone that said this relationship seems like too much work. My past 2 serious relationships were a lot of work, but just like you I thought ''relationships are work''? Which is true, but my relationship now is not nearly as much work as what I''ve been in and what are you describing. I''ve never once questioned my FI''s feelings for me, never felt less of a person, always been respected. I couldn''t say the same with my past relationships. The work doesn''t come from him not being sure he wants to commit or not being sure you''re worth him saving money so that you two can be together. It comes from wanting to make each other happy, realizing that we are human and we make mistakes but those mistakes aren''t going to be hurtful (even though sometimes we fail). The work should start from the beginning of the relationship, but it shouldn''t be work that makes you feel exhausted or doubtful. Which is what you sound like.

I think you should really rethink your relationship. Sounds like you deserve so much better.

 

[Blenheim]

Caribou, ilovesparkles said that the name of the website, not her BF''s screenname, is bangme.net. A little bit of research reveals that people post pictures of themselves, often scantily clad, and have some sort of profile. (You need to be a member to access everything.) There are buttons that visitors can click saying "yes" or "no" to whether they want to "bang" you, and people can write comments. Some of them are along the lines of "ur hot", some are a lot more explicit.

Now, let''s hope that my BF doesn''t snoop around on my computer, see my history, and come to conclusions about it.

 

[E B]

Date: 3/23/2006 1:08:12 PM
Author: Caribou

A boyfriend or girlfriend should not be joinging a personal dating service to just make friends. I don't think this is something anyone should 'deal with'. He should be getting the ego boost from you, not strangers...

This is so true. Having a myspace or a livejournal is one thing, but having a bangme.net account? Completely innapropriate, especially if he's in a serious relationship with you. Tell him you accidently found it and let him know how it makes you feel. As a poster above said, how he reacts will tell you a lot about him and the situation. If he becomes angry after the revelation, I'd suspect something's up.

Guys and girls will lie (did you see the cheating thread?), and sometimes, it's up to us (the SOs) to figure things out on our own (be it through snooping, etc.) before we're hurt even more.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Well I slept for a few more hours on the couch

and did some more thinking. A few things came to my mind.
1. Would it really be natural to have to tell me he rejoined? I mean that just sounds like he is reporting to me which I don''t like either. Originally it wasn''t like we talked about deleting our profiles, he just did and said "I have you I don''t need to be part of that anymore" I felt the same and deleted my profile as well.
2. He hasn''t left any comments on others'' profiles, but I obviously can''t access if he has exchanged any mail with others. So far, all I can gather is that he has gone and voted on some girls and they have left him comments such as "Thanks for the vote, ur hot."
3. I have gone over the whole maybe he needs an ego boost in my head over and over. This is a possibility I guess, just not one I understand.

THe file he downloaded was when he made niety something on the top 100 hottest guys list. So that supports the ego boost theory. I am going to try to not let it totally make me a nut for the rest of the day because I have a lot of work to do. And I can''t just leave for those that suggested that because well home is 1600+ miles away right now. All I can conclude right now is that it will be talked about tonight, I''m just not sure how yet. And it may or may not be a deal breaker, depending on how he reacts.

Thank you all so so so so much for all the advice you have no idea how helpful it has been! And please those that still read please give your input. I have another 6 hours before he gets home form work to stew about this.

 

[decodelighted]

This guy is all but SCREAMING that he doesn''t want to be in a relationship. Close your eyes. Look deep into your heart. Dial into the intuition. Does a guy who RECENTLY re-upped membership into a "BANG ME" site a) want to settle down? b) want the girl he already has c) want to save $ to move to be with her? d) want to get caught & get the heck out of this complicated long distance relationship with a girl he already met through BANG ME.

Tip: BANG ME.net = not the best way to meet "keepers". I know you are cringing to read this because YOU ALREADY KNOW ITS TRUE. You said you''re "shamed" by how you met. Now I''m not about shaming anyone ... but if your gut says something''s a little "off" or "not right" or "possibly shameful" ... LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 3/23/2006 10:47:20 AM
Author: Mandarine
Does t say that he is ''Dating'' (as in dating someone) or ''Dating'' as in open to date around??

very different....


Jenstone, your BF is right...we do over-analyze things (I am particularly guilty)...but I hate feeling cheated or lied to

I hate this type of situations...wish we could be more help!

It says he is currently dating someone. And I feel about the same, I have a tendency, ok no I am outright a jealous person and over analyze EVERYTHING down to the tiniest detail.

 

[stermag]

I really like Starset Princess''s suggestion - rejoin the site using an obvious name and message him through it... Approach it in a lighthearted way (at least at first) and don''t appear threatening - this should allow you to gauge where he stands... if he gets too defensive or begins acting awkwardly, start pushing a bit harder. If his answers don''t make you feel more comfortable, I''d say it''s time to reevaluate things a bit.