HELP please! before he comes home today

[Blenheim]

Date: 3/23/2006 5:29:16 PM
Author: ilovesparkles
OK, I am not defending him. But I just want to put out there that I haven''t come and publicized about the wonderful things well because I don''t need help with them. I have only posted about the troublesome things because I need advice...

I once lived with a girl who complained incessently about her boyfriend. A lot of her complaints were pretty legitimate. Our apartment pointed out to her several times that all we heard were bad things, but she said pretty much exactly what you did. They''re no longer together, and I think that she''s much happier.

Yes, there will be ups and downs in every relationship. But the downs shouldn''t be as frequent as yours are, or as severe. He''s sending you lots of signals that he doesn''t really want to be in a committed relationship. That is indeed troublesome, and I think that that should overshadow the wonderful things. He could be a wonderful guy, but just not the guy for you. You deserve a wonderful guy who wants to be with you. Please keep repeating this to yourself. It''s awfully easy to get caught up into excuses, and to rationalize behavior away, but you deserve a wonderful guy who wants to be with you.

 

[sistagrl2004]

Date: 3/23/2006 5:31:08 PM
Author: ilovesparkles

Date: 3/23/2006 5:26:18 PM
Author: Wren
Not to beat a dead horse with a stick... and this time I''m going to be blunt and crude.


But if you can''t imagine him saying anything in his defense that would make you want to sleep next to him tonight let alone have sex... you should not still be in his space. Can you currently picture have sex with him in the next 8 hours? Didn''t think so.

Even if you don''t want to break up with him, go to a hotel now just so you have the space and security to regain your emotional equilibrium.

We''re all thinking good thoughts your way. (what my sister says instead of I''ll say a prayer for you.

)

We have not had sex. That is something we are not ready for right now and probably one of the smartest decisions we made early on. Yes we sleep in the same bed, and its so cliche but thats all we do. SLeep and cuddle.

ETA: If I feel uncomfortable in the same bed I will sleep on the couch tonight and tomorrow. Not a big deal but I truly cannot afford to go to a motel or catch an earlier flight.

I truly pray that you are safe and this situation is worked out in a respectable manner.. but GIRL!!! Don''t EVER again leave yourself at the mercy of this or any other man! If you can''t afford to sleep elsewhere or catch an earlier flight or just get away .. DO NOT VISIT!!!

 

[Blenheim]

Sparkles, this is probably me being way overly cautious, but I just want you to feel like you have options if he doesn''t take the talk well. There are options other than just stay in a bad situation or go into debt trying to get out of it. Nearly every area, including my small rural town, has shelters for women who need to escape their boyfriends/husbands. I''m not sure if you''re in Seattle or some area of Washington, but if you need it, this site lists women''s shelters in Seattle. Just scroll down to where it says "Single Women." If you''re not in Seattle, you can google something along the lines of "emergency women shelter [townname] washington" and see what comes up.

Once again, I may just being extremely overly cautious. Trust your instincts; you have them for a reason. If you''re not comfortable, get out.

 

[decodelighted]

I apologize if my raging PMS has led me to overreact in anyway!

You''ve always sounded like such a sweet, smart, hopeful girl & I think we all feel protective of you!

Ya might want to call your mom & discuss this with her. At least someone in your "real life" will know what you''re going though/the situation you find yourself in. And she''ll be able to check up on ya since we can''t!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Deco don''t feel bad, your perspective is very valued to me! I did just get off the phone with a friend back home. He thinks that my BF rejoining the site isn''t really a big deal. Something to talk about but not something to go nuts over. So I don''t know. I do have to say that I emailed him with a heads up that we needed to talk when he got home and he has been going nuts with worry since I sent him the email. He is very very concerned which is good sign. My attempt at working on my thesis has been a failure so far. I stared at the screen and nothing came out. I may just have to pull an all nighter to get my draft to my prof by tomorrow at noon. Is it me or do chaotic things always strike in twos or threes at once, ... always!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 3/23/2006 6:36:45 PM
Author: Blenheim
Sparkles, this is probably me being way overly cautious, but I just want you to feel like you have options if he doesn''t take the talk well. There are options other than just stay in a bad situation or go into debt trying to get out of it. Nearly every area, including my small rural town, has shelters for women who need to escape their boyfriends/husbands. I''m not sure if you''re in Seattle or some area of Washington, but if you need it, this site lists women''s shelters in Seattle. Just scroll down to where it says ''Single Women.'' If you''re not in Seattle, you can google something along the lines of ''emergency women shelter [townname] washington'' and see what comes up.


Once again, I may just being extremely overly cautious. Trust your instincts; you have them for a reason. If you''re not comfortable, get out.

Your caution is taken graciously but it is nothing I need to worry about to that degree. I have thought about calling a friend back home who has relatives out here. If it comes to that I can probably stay with them until I leave on Sat. THank you so much though for the research and resources!

 

[Blenheim]

As deco said, I think we all feel protective of you. I just felt that if things got bad enough that you need to get out of there (and you''re the only one actually there and you seem confident that they won''t), you probably wouldn''t get back on PS and ask for ideas. I just wanted to make sure that you''re equipped ahead of time, but it seems like you have a good Plan B.

Good luck talking with him tonight. Perhaps it will ease your mind enough that you''ll be able to make more significant progress on your thesis.

I need to leave for a while, but I''ll be sure to check back in later.

 

[stermag]

With respect, I think some comments here were over the top.

I made an effort to review all of Sparkle''s post in search of some sort of indication that this man is a total waste of space, but, unless I''m missing something, I came up empty handed.

Sure, the relationship is incredibly rushed, sure she has some overinflated expectations at this stage in the game, and I might even agree that he has a lot of baggage and issues but...

There are no clear cut rules that say meeting through a mutual friend is the way to go, being together for a year before discussing the future is the best, etc. A friend of mine met a guy at a bar six years ago, they went home together, a month later got married and have three children today. They are one of the happiest couples I know, honestly.

Ten months into my relationship with current fiance, he posted an MSN profile (not a personal ad, just a user profile) in which he specified his marital status as "single". Naturally, I was upset. His response was not particularly stellar: "well, single means unmarried and I''m unmarried, no?". I explained to him why it bothered me and he changed it, apologizing that he didn''t know it meant that much to me.

He and I spent many months in our three year relationship apart, across the ocean even, while he waited for his visa in the UK. These weren''t easy times, but we still grew as a couple and our feelings strengthened. We shouldn''t completely discredit the time that these two have been together - I completely agree that now isn''t the time to discuss engagement rings or timelines, but it doesn''t mean that the relationship is worthless and doomed, either.

I realize this isn''t about me, but we all approach a situation using our past experiences as tools to evaluate it. My personal view, therefore, is that it''s entirely possible Sparkle and her boyfriend can simply talk about her feelings and address her concerns without her moving to a hotel or breaking up with him. It''s equally possible that, after said conversation, she will decide that the relationship is simply not worth it and leave... but that is for her to decide and she can do this only after talking to him.

Some of the suggestions here to run immediately are, to me, unfounded.

The usual disclaimer should be added: I have been known to be wrong MANY times. I do sincerely hope that no harm will come to you, Sparkle, and that both you and your boyfriend find a way to understand each other.

 

[ilovesparkles]

OK, well he was very concerned! Called emailed and in the end came home early and got a friend to give him a ride here so he could be home as soon as possible to see what was going on. We talked about a lot of things. First I asked him why he had made a new profile on the website. He said he was just bored one night and didn''t think I would care and obviously wasn''t trying to hide it from me. He pointed out that if he wanted he could have hidden it from me. And I might add that his screenname was only changed by one digit because you can''t repeat past sn. He felt horrible tho, and said in retrospect he should have known better and been aware that I am sensitive and take things like that more seriously than he does. And he repeatedly told me he was going to delete the profile. We talked about some other things too. And I brought up the fact that this relationship has been work but that we both feel like we are in it for the right reasons and we aren''t trying to force something that isn''t there. It may sound crazy to some but Stermag really hit it on the head. None the less, I appreciate all the concern!

We both know the things we need to work on in the future. And I am making a vow to myself to stop using PS as my counseling center! You girls and guys have no idea how helpful you have been and all your support has meant to me! Thank you so so much!

Amanda

 

[Mandarine]

I''m so glad you guys could talk..

I was saying that if it was me I would have left...only because that is how I am...when I mad I feel I need to leave to regroup and think.

Sparkles, my ex had the same reaction when I approached him (and he too had only changed one letter). He didn''t make a big effort to hide it from me but he also didn''t think I would find out. I am not saying you BF is also bad news, but I would be extra-cautious from now on. Jst the fact that you joined this forum seems like you are rushing into things (and please don''t take it the wrong way...I love to have you here!), but it just seems too soon...specially for a long distance relationship.

I confronted my best friend about how I really feel about her BF...what did she do? now she doesn''t tell me about the bad things. It''s just really bad because I still know she''s suffering and not truly 100% happy as I feel she deserves to be. You might decide after this situation today, to not come to PS for advice.....but please do. Come to advice here or to someone in your family or a close GIRLfriend (girls and boys are very different!)....but please do talk to people because sometimes it is hard to see what is right in front of our eyes.

I am happy you were able to talk and I do hope you can keep trusting him after this!

Hugs,

M~

 

[Blenheim]

Sparkles, I really apologize if any of my words were over-the-top. I think that I started confusing exactly what you had said and what others had extrapolated. I''m glad that you were able to have a successful talk with him about things that were bothering you.

Stermag, I don''t think that there''s any indication that this man is a total waste of time either. Most of the problem is stemming from the limited information we have about him:
-- They met on bangme.net.
-- He''s about 9 years older than her.
-- He''s in his thirties and living paycheck to paycheck.
-- They''ve broken up and made up a couple times now.
-- After his past relationships, he has some trust issues.
-- He is reluctant to tell his mom about the relationship.
-- They place different emphases on religion/spirituality.
As Sparkles said, she''s revealed this to us when she''s been upset and that she''s almost been using PS as a counseling service. They don''t reveal the whole picture. He could be a lying bum. He could also have a poor relationship with his emotionally abusive mom, and be living paycheck to paycheck because he''s working for a nonprofit trying to help abused children to escape similar situations. Both extremes, but we just don''t know what''s going on.

Sparkles, what I''m most concerned about is whether he''s giving you signals that he''s giving you that he''s not really ready for a committed relationship (multiple breakups, trust issues). If he''s really a great guy, but he just isn''t ready for a relationship with you, then he''s not the guy for you. You deserve both. Once again, I don''t know everything that he''s said to you and all of the signals he''s been sending you, so you need to trust your intuition. One reason that I recommended reading "He''s Just Not That Into You" is that it specifically mentioned things that my ex used to do that I never picked up on as ambivalent or negative signals. I think that it never really hurts to be aware.

And speaking from experience, if your "real-life" friends or family (who actually see the interactions between you and see if and how you''ve changed since you''ve started dating him) comment on how he''s not treating you well or on how you don''t seem happy anymore, listen. If they say this, they''re probably not telling you out of jealousy or malice but because they care.

And I really hope that we haven''t driven you away.

 

[glitterata]

I don''t know if anybody''s suggested this--I didn''t read every single post on this thread--but I suspect some of what''s going on here may be deadline-related. Amanda, I think you said you''re supposed to turn in a draft of your thesis? I know whenever I have a deadline, I get a little nutty and often have a crisis about something totally unrelated. It always seems very, very important at the time, but when I manage to get my work done and look back at it, I realize that the problem was just not that important. Or sometimes it WAS that important, but the timing of the crisis had little to do with the problem and a lot to do with the deadline. And I''ve seen friends go through this over and over again. So often, in fact, that I now have a rule:

If you have a deadline and a crisis, ignore the crisis and meet the deadline. THEN deal with the crisis, if it still is one.

 

[Mara]

From what has been said, and previous posts re: a rocky relationship...I gotta kinda agree with deco and blenheim on this one...esp on the fact that a guy at his age who is hanging out on bangme.net is not looking for a serious long-term relationship and he may be secretly looking for a way out. Maybe HE doesn't even realize it. When you have a L/D relationship, trust is such an important issue. Women do have strong intuition and most times (unfortunately) their hunches are right. Listen to your heart.

On a funny note, I actually used to work with the guy who started sowouldyoudome.com and he made so much money off it that he quit his day job. These sites are SO popular!

 

[Caribou]

Sparkles, I''m glad that you talked to your BF. Given the history of your relationship, the speed of it, the fact that the 2 of have broken up twice in the short time you''ve been together, I would still be very cautious of him. Especially since he''s 32 and has commitment issues which is not going to change, so be leery of that. Blenheim, I believe, suggested to get the book ''He''s just not that into you'' (or whatever it''s called).. I would suggest this too. I haven''t read it because I had an ''aha'' moment where I realized all the little signs of a guy not being that into you. But friends have and have told me it really opened their eyes. A self proclaimed commitment phobe is either really that..or he''s not into enough to want to fully commit. Either way, it''s not good. I know this isn''t what you want to hear but from what I read about your boyfriend, I''m reminded of my old boyfriends....claimed they were afraid of commitments...really it was just that they didn''t want to commit to me. Which in retrospect, was good for me.

I know someone has already asked this question but I didn''t see if you answered it. What do your friends think of this guy and your relationship with him? From my last break up I learned A LOT, the most important thing I learned is just how great my friends are AND that I should have listened to them when they were telling me they didn''t like my EX. Friends have the innate ability to really see someone (a friends boyfriend/girlfriend) for who they really are. For example, all my friends had told me before and after that there was some thing they just didn''t trust about my EX...they couldn''t put their finger on it but he just didn''t seem genuine. I always thought ''you don''t know him like I do.....''

I knew that my friend''s boyfriend was cheating on him throughout his relationship....I mean, I didn''t know know, had no proof of it, it was just a ''feeling''. In the end, I was right. Listen to what your friends say about your EX. I''m not saying that you should break it off with him if they don''t approve...some friends are just hard to impress. But really listen to what they say....obviously for all I know they may love him.

On a different subject, it''s concerning that people think it''s okay for their SO to join dating services.

IMO, if you are in a commited realtionship, neither party in it should be joining any dating services regardless of the reasons. To me, joining a dating service when you have a SO is just looking for trouble. I don''t know, maybe it''s just me, I am on the older end of PS''ers here so maybe I''m being prudish...but that''s just not right.

 

[akw94]

I''m glad the two of you talked and you feel ok w/things. I guess my biggest point before was to trust yourself and how you feel. I didn''t want what he said to change how you feel inside. I agree that being in a relationship, you make decisions together. I think that''s very important. But he can''t decide what you feel or what you think is right. Sure, he can explain and you may be accepting of his explanation. If you are accepting of it, that''s the most important thing. I just know that sometimes guys can be pretty persuasive, especially when they think they might lose something that is important to them. They come on even stronger than normal. Sometimes it''s easy to let what they say, take over how you feel. I''m not saying you are doing this, just be cautious, that''s all. Also, I don''t think the big deal about what happened was so much the act of re-signing up to this site, but what it could''ve represented. That he may not be totally honest with you, that he may have some commitment issues. Just things to be aware of as you two go forward.
Keep you as your first priority.
Take care!

 

[Mara]

Oh I also second/third reading the He's Just Not Into You book, I think it's a must read for all gals, just because it really is interesting to read it! My friend left it over at our house after we had a party and someone lent it to her, so I read it and we were cracking up at some of these letters and these women! Ladies can be SO gullible and just plain stupid, seriously...we have ALL been there a time or two or twenty in our lives, and this book just highlights that. It really is quite the eye opener to be like WOW so it wasn't just me being a dumbass...Everyone does it! But armed with at least this book under your belt, you kind of see things differently IMO. I have a friend who is kinda dating a guy who is kinda dating another girl and there is all sorts of drama and my other friend told her, He's Just Not that Into You!!! and it was just SO TRUE. But of course, no one likes to hear the truth so I'm sure she'll hang around for another 6 months then figure it out herself.

Anyway kinda off topic (well not really!) but IMO that book is a must read for all females, single, married, younger, older etc because I think we all tend to make the same mistakes (hopefully only once!).

 

[ilovesparkles]

WOW, ok so many points to touch on here. I apologize now if I don''t hit them all!

Blenheim: I really apologize if any of my words were over-the-top. I think that I started confusing exactly what you had said and what others had extrapolated. And I really hope that we haven''t driven you away.

No worries what so ever! You were clearly concerned and wanted to make sure I was safe if I didn''t know what my options were. I really appreciate the concern. And no you have NOT driven me away, I just feel like all I do is dump my issues on the LIW forum. Partly because you all are so fabulous, and partly because it can be easier than calling 5 different friends and explaining it all over again just to get 5 opinions. I just want to try to not dump my problems on all of you so much and enjoy PS more than I am coming here for the dreaded answers to my problems.

Glitteratta: I suspect some of what''s going on here may be deadline-related. Amanda, I think you said you''re supposed to turn in a draft of your thesis? I know whenever I have a deadline, I get a little nutty and often have a crisis about something totally unrelated. It always seems very, very important at the time, but when I manage to get my work done and look back at it, I realize that the problem was just not that important. Or sometimes it WAS that important, but the timing of the crisis had little to do with the problem and a lot to do with the deadline.

WOW OMG you could not have said it any better than that! Not that what happened wasn''t a big deal but holy moly! I did compromise my deadline and I will have to live with the consequences of that. I cannot blame my BF or the crisis for that. And in the future, not that I haven;t tried in the past, but I really do have to focus on putting the crisis on hold until my deadline is met. Because ultimately, that is putting me and my life first. THank you thank you for that. I think I knew that and have for a while but it can become so much bolder when someone else points it out too.

Caribou: I''m glad that you talked to your BF. Given the history of your relationship, the speed of it, the fact that the 2 of have broken up twice in the short time you''ve been together, I would still be very cautious of him. Especially since he''s 32 and has commitment issues which is not going to change, so be leery of that.

Some of the first things you mentioned here were discussed last night. He knows he has some work to do if he isn''t going to lose me the next time something happens. But I also have some work to do. And I will hopefully find that book and the time to read it and gain some perspective. We were very rushed into things, partly because of our circumstances living so far apart and partly because of the nature of our personalities. I believe that we both are committed to this relationship now and ten years sdown the line. It might sound crazy to some, and yes there are some issues that he has to deal with and come to terms with for himself, but they aren''t so huge that it dooms the relationship.

amy94: I guess my biggest point before was to trust yourself and how you feel. I didn''t want what he said to change how you feel inside. I just know that sometimes guys can be pretty persuasive, especially when they think they might lose something that is important to them. They come on even stronger than normal. Sometimes it''s easy to let what they say, take over how you feel.

You bring up an important point to trust how I feel and not let him be persuasive. But I think part of the rush and intensity of the emoptions I was feeling yesterday was partly due to my dealine as mentioned before and my ability to analyze every minute detail (which can be good or bad). I do not feel in any way that he persuaded me. He did not try in any way to get me to believe what he said or push my reluctance. I have felt this way in the past and it was not here. I know I mentioned at some point yesterday that I felt no explanation would be good enough, but I was caught up in emotions and a lot of what was being said in the forum thread was swirling through my head and imagination. There was no sense of desperation to cover anything up coming from him yesterday. More a sense of OMG I have completely screwed up and should have known this would be hurtful to her and all I can do now is say I''m sorry and pray.

Mara: What you have pointed out has been covered in all the responses above I believe. But I really appreciate the advice from someone who is married and perhaps has some more "wisdom"

to shed on the situation.

Well, I have a new goal here on PS, to try and post when good things happen and not just bad so you all can see the better side of him that I see day to day. Or you know just get professional counseling (lord knows I need it and not have to bring you all down with my troubles. But THANK YOU for everything. And have no fear, it is gonna take a miracle or you know being banned by the operaters to keep me away from PS

.

Amanda

 

[Caribou]

Just remember, Ilovesparkles, take care of yourself 1st and foremost. Don''t loose sight of who you are and where you want your life to take you. Although, you can''t control all the twists and turns, you have some control over it.

 

[Mandarine]

Sparkles,

I am glad you feel better...but I have to admit I''m still a little concerned about some of your earlier responses. I won''t go into detail because a lot of the things I would say have been repeated over and ove and there is no point in saying them again. But for example, on one of your last post you mentioned something about you feeling it was impossible to throw "all this work" away (by breaking up). That jut doesn''t sound right and I hope you do listen to your "inner voice" (we all have it...but sometimes we decide to ignore it). I also want to rad that book...I have heard great things about it!

Good luck on your thesis!!

M~

 

[decodelighted]

Hey Sparkles,

Just checking in. And also, ''cause I talked to my fiance about this tonight and he has even stronger feelings about the guy''s intentions than I did. He kept driving home the way you guys met, and what that might imply to an average guy -- despite what we all agree YOU intend (a serious relationship with mutual respect and no intimacy right now).

Take care of yourself girl! Read that dern book!

Deco