Here''s a question i have no answer to...
- Thread starter Dancing Fire
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sumi
Brilliant_Rock
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babblingal
Shiny_Rock
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I have already discussed with my husband that I would ask for a divorce rather than choose to cheat as I know the only thing that would come from cheating would be hurt and I love my husband too much to hurt him by cheating on him. I would rather hurt him by asking for the divorce. I believe he would recover from a divorce easier than trying to trust me again.
verticalhorizon
Brilliant_Rock
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Isn't part of being married the commitment it takes to work through things? When you're dating or you live together, certainly you love each other, but calling it quits is as easier conclusion without that commitment that somehow marriage brings in.
Marriage is all about love and trust, but isn't it also work? Working through illness, financial loss, death, and maybe... just possibly infidelity?
I'm not say that everyone has three strikes or 1 strike... but if you've built something solid for 20 years and you believe there to be one instance and you seek out help to find the ROOT of that instance, then perhaps you can rebuild that trust and live happily ever after.
I think part of the problem with the high divorce rate is that some: 1.) people enter into marriage too lightly and; 2.) people are too quick to call it quits without working on it.
Marriage is all about love and trust, but isn't it also work? Working through illness, financial loss, death, and maybe... just possibly infidelity?
I'm not say that everyone has three strikes or 1 strike... but if you've built something solid for 20 years and you believe there to be one instance and you seek out help to find the ROOT of that instance, then perhaps you can rebuild that trust and live happily ever after.
I think part of the problem with the high divorce rate is that some: 1.) people enter into marriage too lightly and; 2.) people are too quick to call it quits without working on it.
babblingal
Shiny_Rock
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I feel that if my husband has chosen infedility he has already told me that he is not committed to me and the marriage is over. I would be willing to work thru things like financial problems, communication problems, sickness, addictions. I will NOT work thru infidelity. I simply will not be lied to and then expected to just "work thru" this problem. For me, this is not a workable problem. I could not trust my husband again and I would not be able to be happy with him.
My parents were divorced so I do not feel divorce should be taken lightly. I did marry my husband "for better or for worse" however I also took a vow that said no other person would be involved in our marriage. He breaks that vow, he's history. There are tons of other problems I am completely willing to work thru, dishonesty, disloyalty and adultery are not on my list.
I am not dictating that anyone else needs to do what I have decided, I am just saying that for me I have no interest in being married to a liar. I have been married for almost 14 years, so I have many years of married experience. I have three friends who have had cheating spouses all three tried to save their marriages by "working thru" the problem, all three failed. For some it took weeks, for others years but ultimately they could not see the problem thru to a resolution. For me, I do not see infidelity as a workable issue in my marriage.
It also doesn't hurt that I come from a religion that doesn't ban divorce so I don't have a religious pressure upon me to remain in a marriage under all and any circumstances. My religion doesn't encourage divorce, but it does acknowledge that sometimes, despite everyone's efforts, a marriage may not work.
My parents were divorced so I do not feel divorce should be taken lightly. I did marry my husband "for better or for worse" however I also took a vow that said no other person would be involved in our marriage. He breaks that vow, he's history. There are tons of other problems I am completely willing to work thru, dishonesty, disloyalty and adultery are not on my list.
I am not dictating that anyone else needs to do what I have decided, I am just saying that for me I have no interest in being married to a liar. I have been married for almost 14 years, so I have many years of married experience. I have three friends who have had cheating spouses all three tried to save their marriages by "working thru" the problem, all three failed. For some it took weeks, for others years but ultimately they could not see the problem thru to a resolution. For me, I do not see infidelity as a workable issue in my marriage.
It also doesn't hurt that I come from a religion that doesn't ban divorce so I don't have a religious pressure upon me to remain in a marriage under all and any circumstances. My religion doesn't encourage divorce, but it does acknowledge that sometimes, despite everyone's efforts, a marriage may not work.
I agree, adultery is not a problem to work through. It goes to the very core. Marriage is hard work. And, problem that may lead to cheating can be addressed. But some people are cheaters. IMHO, they don't understand the wedding vows. You made a promise to God & everyone. To me, the lying would be hurtful. The breaking of trust beyond repair.
Why am I reminded of that movie where demi moore sleeps w/ robert redford for a ton of money? The hubby was so on board w/ the sex for money thing.........until....well you remember how Psycho the guy became.
Why am I reminded of that movie where demi moore sleeps w/ robert redford for a ton of money? The hubby was so on board w/ the sex for money thing.........until....well you remember how Psycho the guy became.
sumi
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I feel like this way of thinking some how puts the blame on the victim of cheating for the dissolution of the marriage. I don't know if that's what you were trying to say or not, but that's just my interpretation.
The person cheating certaintly did not show the commitment it takes to sustain a marriage. If there were problems in the marriage, the person cheating should have worked on their own marriage before seeking out a lover. The responsibility for the break down of the marriage falls in the cheater's lap, not the spouse who refuses to be married to such a person.
hoorray
Ideal_Rock
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I agree that some people don't take the committment of marriage as seriously as I think they should -- particularly when entering into it. I also think many people are too quick to call it quits. However, I think think infidelity goes to the core of what makes a marriage worth working for. I can't claim that I wouldn't feel differently if I was really faced with the situation -- Sumi has a good point there. However, knowing myself, my values and our relationship, I have a hard time seeing us working through something like that -- on either side. I think it would no longer be a partnership of equals, but there would be a victem and a "defendent" for lack of a better word. It's hard to be partners like that.
verticalhorizon
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OOhhh.. I stuck a nerve!
Actually there were two separate items in that last post of mine. First first part: "Working thru it" and the second, "Theory of modern divorce rate."
I was just posing a theoretical. Personally, I wouldn't be able to take it so lightly.
However, my theory still holds water. For those cheaters who will never be anything but, will enter marriage without a proper understanding of it's full meaning and value (and will eventually end up in divorce). However, if you are talking about someone who is sociopathologically a cheater, then you should know well in advance before marrying him/her. I'm not saying it's their fault for marrying a cheater, I'm just saying.
All in all, it's easy to say what we'd do in theory... it's another if we are standing at the precipice.
Actually there were two separate items in that last post of mine. First first part: "Working thru it" and the second, "Theory of modern divorce rate."
I was just posing a theoretical. Personally, I wouldn't be able to take it so lightly.
However, my theory still holds water. For those cheaters who will never be anything but, will enter marriage without a proper understanding of it's full meaning and value (and will eventually end up in divorce). However, if you are talking about someone who is sociopathologically a cheater, then you should know well in advance before marrying him/her. I'm not saying it's their fault for marrying a cheater, I'm just saying.
All in all, it's easy to say what we'd do in theory... it's another if we are standing at the precipice.
Shay37
Ideal_Rock
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Another consideration for this subject has to be the risk that the cheated on partner faces from disease. Folks, there are diseases out there for which there is no cure. I would be furious at the possibility of being exposed to them without any thought for my safety. Just another thought to stir the "brew."
Shay
Shay
babblingal
Shiny_Rock
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The term pathological refers to having a disease of origin.
Sometimes people don't "see what they are getting" if they are marrying a clinical sociopath. One of the skills a sociopath possesses is the uncanny ability to get other people to trust and believe in them. This is why Ted Bundy was such a successful killer for so long. He did not appear harmful and it was easy for him to lure in his victims. If a person marries such a partner, it is almost impossible for the untrained eye to detect.
Now, the difference is that if you are marrying a person who lies and cheats and you think it won't happen to YOU. Well, it usually will happen to you as you will be the rule and not the exception.
Shay,
The disease thing is a very real consequence and is another reason why I feel I could not forgive a cheating spouse. I wouldn't bring home an tubercular patient for dinner and not inform my family and just let them sit back and be exposed. I want the same level of commitment from my spouse not to expose me to a communicable disease!
Sometimes people don't "see what they are getting" if they are marrying a clinical sociopath. One of the skills a sociopath possesses is the uncanny ability to get other people to trust and believe in them. This is why Ted Bundy was such a successful killer for so long. He did not appear harmful and it was easy for him to lure in his victims. If a person marries such a partner, it is almost impossible for the untrained eye to detect.
Now, the difference is that if you are marrying a person who lies and cheats and you think it won't happen to YOU. Well, it usually will happen to you as you will be the rule and not the exception.
Shay,
The disease thing is a very real consequence and is another reason why I feel I could not forgive a cheating spouse. I wouldn't bring home an tubercular patient for dinner and not inform my family and just let them sit back and be exposed. I want the same level of commitment from my spouse not to expose me to a communicable disease!
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i got to give you guys an up date on this old thread. this is too CRAZY!!! i bump into my friend last week.
Well he did it!!! i saw a nice (approx) 2 ct rb with a beautiful eternity setting on his mistress hand but,GET THIS.....this is a different mistress
Diamonds4Me
Brilliant_Rock
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I like that one betterDate: 6/13/2004 93:47 AM
Author: Jennifer5973
I have an answer: Tell him, 'Instead of buying a diamond for his wh*re, perhaps he should spend the money on some quality psychotherapy to straighten himself out since he clearly has some serious problems.'
Edited: I was going to omit this but after reading all the posts I have to put it in. It did happen to me while I was engaged to someone else. On Friday nights I'd call to go out to dinner with him or a movie only for him to tell me he had too much studying to do (he went to college about an hour and a half away). Later I found out he was busy only not with books. But of course that was only found out AFTER I moved in with him. He didn't know that I knew about it but he went to class one morning and I cleared out the entire apartment right down to the last twist tie in the kitchen drawer and left a not so nice note for him. Never heard from him again because he knew he had no defense because I heard it from the "horses" mouth..so to speak. Oh, and the reason I cleared everything out of the apartment was because I paid for it. While he went to school I worked two jobs 7 days a week with only three hours sleeping time in between. Talk about TICKED!
movie zombie
Super_Ideal_Rock
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i''m w/ the Captain: the term i''ve heard for this one is "emotional affair," and the rule of thumb is pretty simple: if you''re afraid of telling your spouse everything you''ve said and done with this person, you''re having one.
having read all the posts thus far, i''m still with the above.
people who get involved with married people do so for many reasons, one of which is that deep down inside they are not ready for a committed relationship [no matter what they say] and therefore select someone that is not available. married people get involved outside their marriage because they''re not being honest with themselves and/or are not willing to take the financial hit.
personally, for me, once the trust is broken, so is the relationship....and i''d have no desire to ''fix'' it. it has always been my opinion that if one wants to ''fool around'' then one should get out of the current relationship, regardless of finances, etc.
having said all this, i also realize that different cultures have different view points on this. in several european cultures it is not uncommon that one or the other has an outside affair. it is my understanding that when de gaulle was buried, both his wife and long time mistress attended.
my view point is that if you want to act single, then be single. otherwise, if you stray, don''t tell me about it. getting right with your conscience is not my problem, i don''t want to hear your confession and forgive you. if you tell me about it or i find out on my own, i''m gone. simple as that. message being: know that if you stray, you know what the consequence will be. i can''t stop my husband from having an affair if he decides to, i can only control what i''m willing to do about it.
i think its great that many of the people that have posted here have been clear with their SO''s and/or spouses re their feelings on the matter: no surprises then should the dreaded affair problem crop up.
peace, movie zombie
having read all the posts thus far, i''m still with the above.
people who get involved with married people do so for many reasons, one of which is that deep down inside they are not ready for a committed relationship [no matter what they say] and therefore select someone that is not available. married people get involved outside their marriage because they''re not being honest with themselves and/or are not willing to take the financial hit.
personally, for me, once the trust is broken, so is the relationship....and i''d have no desire to ''fix'' it. it has always been my opinion that if one wants to ''fool around'' then one should get out of the current relationship, regardless of finances, etc.
having said all this, i also realize that different cultures have different view points on this. in several european cultures it is not uncommon that one or the other has an outside affair. it is my understanding that when de gaulle was buried, both his wife and long time mistress attended.
my view point is that if you want to act single, then be single. otherwise, if you stray, don''t tell me about it. getting right with your conscience is not my problem, i don''t want to hear your confession and forgive you. if you tell me about it or i find out on my own, i''m gone. simple as that. message being: know that if you stray, you know what the consequence will be. i can''t stop my husband from having an affair if he decides to, i can only control what i''m willing to do about it.
i think its great that many of the people that have posted here have been clear with their SO''s and/or spouses re their feelings on the matter: no surprises then should the dreaded affair problem crop up.
peace, movie zombie
chantal990
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Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh boy I would flip if I found out my man was having and affair emotional or physical. Our relationship rule is if it''s something you wouldn''t like me doing then you shouldn''t be doing it. But he also knows that there are a few reasons I would walk and 1 is cheating 2 abuse (either of me or of kids if we ever have any) And I would walk without a 2nd thought which he knows cause he has seen me do it before. As for the other woman (use the word lightly I know) well I think that would be a seek and destroy mission.
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