hi there

[alli_esq]

Well, hello, Ladies

I am another "in waiting"...and how.

I''ve been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years (living together since July), and I am quite ready for the big question to be posed. I know it won''t happen until at least this summer, but I am antsy, especially since I''ve discovered this site!

My mom is very much into diamonds, etc., and has some good relationships with jewelers--so it''s always been understood that the BF would go to her when the time came to buy a ring. This past weekend, we went away, and he told me that he''s about ready to contact my mom. He told me what his budget is, and it is fair, but it looks like I am going to have to curb what I really want. Oh well. Money doesn''t grow on trees, of course. I wouldn''t mind if I knew I would be able to upgrade eventually, but he thinks that jewelry is a silly thing on which to spend money, so that likely won''t happen.

I actually am just writing to say hello and I hope to make some friends on here who understand what it is to be anxious and anticipating the engagement process!

Take care!
Alli

 

[ladypirate]

Aww, sorry the budget isn''t what you''d hoped. If you pop on over to RockyTalky, they''ll be able to help you get an idea of what you can get (most bang for your buck and all that). You may want to hint to him (if he won''t be offended) that he may be able to get the best deal buying online, even if it''s not through your mother.

Good luck and welcome to the board!

 

[surfgirl]

If you know what the budget is, then why dont you first go shopping with your mom and decide what your priorities are in terms of the 4Cs? For example, decide if you are color sensitive and what's the lowest color you can handle. Or decide if you're willing to sacrifice color for carat size? Clarity? What level of cut will you accept. Once you decide on those things, then let him go with your mom because she'll know what your preferences are...Does that make sense?

Also, you can make a decision on whether or not you get the stone you want now, in a plain setting, and perhaps upgrade the setting down the road...

 

[alli_esq]

Thanks for the smart tips, ladies! I do sound like a brat, and generally I swear I am not that materialistic, but for me (and I would assume, since you''re on here too, that you are like-minded), an engagement ring has such significance and I intend it to be something I will wear for the rest of my life.

I have definitely started looking around the SMTR board, and there are so many beautiful rings out there. I love the look of a princess or cushion with trillions, but I think that I should stick to a solitaire so I can get the best stone possible. I love the Tiffany Lucida (haha, of course, Tiffanys! now that''s a bargain!!), so I hope to find a place that can replicate that design for not so much moolah. I do have to try some rings on--I think I may go out gallavanting with one my married friends (someone who can be happy for me, you know?) and just have fun. As I said, my BF thinks rings are silly and would really not care to come with me.

 

[patient1]

Hi alli_esq! I''m relatively new here myself and can completely relate to being anxious!

To be honest, just this past week I was told a final budget and saw that the ''dream ring'' I wanted couldn''t happen. I''m bringing down my sites for size of diamond and type of setting, but to be honest -- I went to my first ''shopping'' session during lunch yesterday and still got just as excited! I realize the stone I get won''t be the biggest and my setting won''t be a designer piece, but there is always room for ''upgrading''. I know your guy may not like the idea of a future upgrade now, but down the road his view may change. And who knows? Maybe years from now you''ll be glad you didn''t break the bank on a setting you don''t like anymore or a stone that''s too big to be functional.

It''s nice to have another friend here in the LIW forum; particularly with a similar situation. Good luck to you and your guy! I hope you find a ring you really love, even with a smaller budget.

 

[KCCutie]

Date: 3/20/2008 5:16:03 PM
Author: alli_esq
Thanks for the smart tips, ladies! I do sound like a brat, and generally I swear I am not that materialistic, but for me (and I would assume, since you''re on here too, that you are like-minded), an engagement ring has such significance and I intend it to be something I will wear for the rest of my life.


I have definitely started looking around the SMTR board, and there are so many beautiful rings out there. I love the look of a princess or cushion with trillions, but I think that I should stick to a solitaire so I can get the best stone possible. I love the Tiffany Lucida (haha, of course, Tiffanys! now that''s a bargain!!), so I hope to find a place that can replicate that design for not so much moolah. I do have to try some rings on--I think I may go out gallavanting with one my married friends (someone who can be happy for me, you know?) and just have fun. As I said, my BF thinks rings are silly and would really not care to come with me.

Oh absolutely go try a bunch on. You may find that what you think you love looks funny on your finger or you may find something you never expected to like.

 

[bee*]

Welcome! I agree with the other and try one lots of rings to see what suits. I have a lucida and I adore it and I think that vatche do a similar setting. Or I know that you probably have to go with the jeweller that your family use, but signedpieces.com sells second hand tiffany jewellery and they often have lucidas on it.

 

[luckynumber7]

welcome! i''m an liw too. the people in pricescope rock. they have great advice.

best of luck to you.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 3/20/2008 5:20:31 PM
Author: patient1
Maybe years from now you''ll be glad you didn''t break the bank on a setting you don''t like anymore or a stone that''s too big to be functional.

That''s a very wise way to look at it!

 

[alli_esq]

Wow. I feel really stupid now.

My boyfriend and I were just talking, and he finally admitted what I had initially thought (which is something he previously vehemently denied)--he really doesn''t want to spend money on an engagement ring. He thinks it''s a waste.

I am so stupid to have gotten excited about this. I have told him before, and I feel so strongly that I would never want to get anything from him begrudgingly, especially something as significant as a ring. I was reluctant to join this site because although I really wanted a place to be able to talk about this stuff, I was afraid that as soon as I did, the other shoe would drop and all of a sudden, getting engaged would be off the table for me.

sorry, ladies. I feel like crap.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Ugh! I am sorry this turn of events happened...

Have you thought of getting something other than a diamond as an engagement ring? I know that I have been thinking a lot about getting an enternity band as my engagement ring instead of spending all that moolah on a more traditional ring. There are also a lot of ladies who have gem stone rings as their e-rings and some of them make my jaw drop!

I know what I am about to suggest is a very non-traditional view but...have you thought of offering to pay for part of the ring? Maybe he is not aware of the fact that it is possible to get a nice ring within a restricted budget.

Do you know if his opinion is simply he doesn''t want to spend the money or do you question if he is really ready to propose? If it is money only, there are certainly ways around that and when you feel comfortable talking to him about it again, I would encourage you to educate him a bit on the fact that not every ring needs to come from Tiffany''s. If he''s been peeking around on his own, with no real idea of where or how to look, he may have been blown away by some of the prices out there.

Again, I''m sorry you feel bad. Stick around here and vent when you need to...many of us are in the same boat you are!

 

[choro72]

I''m sorry this happened...At least he got honest before you went all crazy searching for the perfect one...To me it sounds like your BF is against the whole idea of engagement rings. It probably sounds shallow coming from someone who is about to get one, but please believe me when I say I understand his way of thinking. I hope you two can work out a compromise.

 

[surfgirl]

Well, an engagement ring of some sort is part of the culture here, assuming you''re American, so it''s not like it''s some weird foreign concept to him. And it''s one thing to not want to spend a ton of money that one doesn''t have on an ering, but it''s another thing entirely to refuse to give your intended an ering of any sort simply because HE doesn''t think it''s a worthwhile purchase. To me, that would say a lot about the type of partner he''d be. I would definitely not be down with that. It sounds like he''s being very selfish...unless he thinks you have to have an ering that is beyond his means...I''d talk to him again and be clear about what it means to you and that you''ll respect his budget, etc. But his outright refusing to get a ring because he doesn''t think it''s important? That''s horse crap honey.

 

[diamondfan]

Hi Alli and welcome!

Don''t give up yet~

I might make a nice dinner and sit him down, tell him that you really do get his view and know that a ring is an expensive piece of bling, but it is not just bling to you, and could he just try to understand that it really has symbolism for you? I think if you take the time to hear him and he takes the time to do the same, you might be able to get him on board, not grudgingly but in a willing manner. I might also bring up compromising, and doing something that is important to the other person when you know it means a lot to them. I am sure in your future together he will want something and you will be looked at to compromise. Maybe you could pose it to him that way? There must be some analogy that will make sense to him. I really hope you can have a good talk with him and re start the ring shopping!!

 

[jessfitz75]

Hi Alli,

I totally understand where you are coming from. I am in a very similar position with regards to a limited budget Like the other PSers said, if you were to go shopping with your mom first, you may be pleasantly surprised! I know that I have been so far.

Best of luck to you and your BF!

 

[honey22]

Date: 3/20/2008 9:43:58 PM
Author: alli_esq
Wow. I feel really stupid now.

My boyfriend and I were just talking, and he finally admitted what I had initially thought (which is something he previously vehemently denied)--he really doesn''t want to spend money on an engagement ring. He thinks it''s a waste.

I am so stupid to have gotten excited about this. I have told him before, and I feel so strongly that I would never want to get anything from him begrudgingly, especially something as significant as a ring. I was reluctant to join this site because although I really wanted a place to be able to talk about this stuff, I was afraid that as soon as I did, the other shoe would drop and all of a sudden, getting engaged would be off the table for me.

sorry, ladies. I feel like crap.

Hi alli-esq! Welcome to Pricescope!

Here you will get honest opinions (even if sometimes they come accross a bit forward), so I will like to chime in with mine. I am a bit worried that your BF doesn''t want to ''waste'' money on a ring. My partner wouldn''t like me to drop lots of $$$ on any old jewellery, but an engagement ring is something really important to a lot of women and he understands that, and it sounds like it is important to you too. I wonder if there are other things he would be happy to spend money on that you wouldn''t think necessary (thinking luxury car, flat screen tv, other big ticket items). Maybe you can sit down and explain that a ering is very special to you, and you would like him to reconsider. I think maybe if he understood how you felt about it, he would no longer see it as a waste. I am sure he would want you to be happy - it''s a once in a lifetime occassion that I think is perfectly symbolised by a ring. When it comes down to it, it''s only money and I would hope that he values your hapiness more than being frugal with his money. I would be incredibly mad at my partner if he spent lots of money on the things he thought important, but didn''t want to spend money on my ering!

That said, I don''t think you guys should go out and break the bank for the sake of a gorgeous ring. I don''t think he should go into debt to make you happy, but maybe you can both compromise and come up with a budget that will make you both feel comfortable. Maybe you could chip in some of your own savings.

Another thing. Are you sure it''s about the money? Maybe he is getting cold feet? Maybe he is trying to throw you off to suprise you, who knows?

But I really think a talk is in order to see what''s up, and maybe to discuss other future purchases, do you know how he feels about other financial issues? For example, my parents moved interstate and I am very close with them. My partner lets me fly interstate at least twice a year (can be around the $1000 mark) just to see my parents. This is really important to me and he totally understands my need to see my family. I would be devasted if I couldn''t go, and although this is certainly a lot of money to spend and he could use that money for lots of other important things, he knows I need it. What about if you want to have children and give up work for say 12 months, how will he feel about that? I am not saying you will have or do have these issues, but I think it''s really important to sort out differences in financial opinions before getting married!

Good luck, hopefully we will see you soon to help find you an ering!

 

[alli_esq]

I am so appreciative for all of your comments. It''s 5:15am here and I have barely slept. I do want honest viewpoints from people, so I realize what I am about to say is one of those things that will likely get "brutal" responses, but maybe that''s just what I need right now. I really do not feel comfortable discussing this with any of my friends or family members because I don''t like the way I come off (which, yes, does indicate to me that I am ashamed of my feelings on this issue--but they are my feelings), and I know people who care about me will be judgmental of him too.

The situation is this:
I am an all-or-nothing type of gal. I love this man so much, and we have gone through very difficult times together and have improved our relationship in so many ways since we began, and the thought of not marrying him (read: breaking up) is more painful than anything I can imagine. However, we have very different backgrounds with regards to financial comfort, and I am certain this plays a part in this problem I am having. My parents are not wealthy, but they have a lot more money than my boyfriend''s parents do, and have helped me with so much, whereas his parents never saved a penny for him or have given him anything. I am a law student (graduating in June) going into a field where I will likely have to struggle financially, especially since I accumulated a ton of educational debt (my decision to go to school was made years before I ever met my boyfriend, though he has been emotionally supportive of that choice), and although my boyfriend has a good job, it is true that we will never have the type of lifestyle my parents had.

My BF is a very giving person with me emotionally--he takes care of me when I need him to...but I should say that he has also been a very generous gift-giver. However, although he has accumulated some modest savings, and although he previously indicated to me that he would be willing to spend x% of that savings (both last weekend and at other times in the past) on a ring, he is now saying that that is really far too much to spend. I know that many women are fine with anything their partner wants to give them, but I suppose this is where my story gets unappealing--I just place a lot of significance on this one piece of symbolic jewelry, and I just know that if I receive a ring from him that does not comport with the vision I have in my head (and no, my vision is not even close to a $10,000 ring, or a ring that would put him into any debt at all), and is not something at which I would be able to look every day and feel...I don''t know...excited, I would rather not have anything at all.

I am sure this is some deep-seated issue for me relating to the fact that my mother has always equated love with the gifts she has received. However, I don''t feel that way about any gift aside from this one, and like most girls, I have dreamed of getting a proposal and an engagement ring and all the excitement that goes along with that for so long--so giving up that dream is very painful for me, as silly as it may sound to some of you. But I know that if I--despite their beauty--received a ring from him that did not "look like" what I want in an engagement ring (a gemstone other than a diamond, or a ring that is untraditional in the sense that it does not have one large-ish diamond), I would feel resentful. So there is really no point in his spending any amount of money on this item, since it will certainly be more than several hundred dollars, which is, to me, a lot of money to spend on something with which I would not be happy.

I realize I am getting wordy with this, but there is a lot to it for me--so thanks for bearing with me if you have so far.

He is aware of all of these feelings. He asked me, as I was crying tonight, why I was so upset about this--I told him there were several reasons:
1. He had given me a number that I thought had been fair, and now he was pulling the rug from under me in a way;
2. I know he thinks I am materialistic because this one thing that he deems unimportant is SO important to me;
3. The whole thing has been spoiled for me now, because if I know he doesn''t want to spend what I think is reasonable, even though he has the money, I certainly don''t want it.

Another reason that I was unable to articulate to him at the time, but probably will at some point:
4. He knows many couples who either do not have engagement rings or have very very inexpensive engagement rings, and who either did not care if they had a wedding where their friends and family attended or just went to city hall...and to me, saying your vows in front of people you love and who love you the most is just simply the only way I would ever want to do it. Knowing that his friends are just fine with this type of arrangement, I also know that he thinks I am materialistic and silly in comparison, and that makes me feel just awful, even though I know I am entitled to have my feelings on the subject.

I saved some money before I went to law school, but almost all of that is gone, since it was money that I spent primarily on gifts for my family and boyfriend throughout my three years at school (it was the purpose of the savings--I did not want to pay interest on gifts, but I didn''t want to not be able to give Christmas or birthday gifts to those I cared about for three years), so I don''t have any savings--though he is traditional in the sense that he would never want me to spend money on my own engagement ring (though we split EVERYthing else). I mentioned to him once that I considered proposing to him, and he scoffed at me, saying that there is no way he would ever want that--that he wanted to propose to me when we got to that point in our relationship.

As things stand, I told him that we should, when we were ready, just plan a wedding and forget about the jewelry. I said that if he still wanted to propose, that that would be great and we could consider ourselves engaged without the need for a ring. Of course, I really do not know how that would work logistically--I assume that means I won''t be telling people I''m engaged, since usually that has much to do the excitement of receiving a ring, talking about the specs and showing it off, and I do not want to have to go through this whole story every time someone asks me why I don''t have a ring. I can anticipate that being very painful to me and that my friends and family will judge him for it.

Sorry for going on like this, but I had to get it out. I appreciate any thoughts on the matter, and am braced for truthful responses, if anyone actually reads all this...

 

[bee*]

I totally agreed with what surfgirl previously wrote but after reading your last post, it seems like he will put some money towards the ring, just not what you would like. I can understand him not wanting to put a large % of his savings towards a ring and I think that you have lost the view of what getting engaged really means-it''s not about having a ring that you can show off to everyone-it''s about committing to each other. I just don''t understand how you could resent any ring that your bf gave you if it''s not the exact one you want. Obviously we are all into our jewellery being here on PS and I can understand obviously wanting the ring of your dreams, but if it is out of reach at this stage, he should get the one that he can afford to get at this stage, and you could always upgrade later on in life when you or him have more money. I''m very much an all or nothing person also, but there are times when I have to reign it in. If his parents didn''t have much money when he was growing up, I think that it''s very sensible of him not to spend most of his savings.

 

[alli_esq]

Bee*, you''re right. I''m a jerk. I hate myself for feeling this way.
I want to make a commitment to him more than anything else. That is what''s important to me. The ring is not something on which I should put so much significance.

 

[bee*]

Date: 3/21/2008 7:00:21 AM
Author: alli_esq
Bee*, you''re right. I''m a jerk. I hate myself for feeling this way.

I want to make a commitment to him more than anything else. That is what''s important to me. The ring is not something on which I should put so much significance.

Your not a jerk-it''s hard not to get caught up in the e-ring frenzy-sure we all found PS when looking for pretty rings. It''s just the ring doesn''t make the engagement or the marriage-it''s nice to have but it shouldn''t be the main thing, that''s all.

 

[KCCutie]

Date: 3/21/2008 7:00:21 AM
Author: alli_esq
Bee*, you''re right. I''m a jerk. I hate myself for feeling this way.

I want to make a commitment to him more than anything else. That is what''s important to me. The ring is not something on which I should put so much significance.

My SO and I have almost the opposite financial situation his parents have money and always have while my parents have been basically poor my whole life and didn''t give me a penny not even for college. Luckily money has just not been an issue for us, but I can see where something like that could cause problems.

I don''t think you''re a jerk at all. My SO and I have not talked about rings or budgets but if he said he was willing to pay XK for my ring and I started looking then he came back and said he had thought about it and really only wanted to pay xxx.xx for my ring I''m sure I''d be hurt. I think eventually I''d get over it and love whatever he decided to give me but at first I''d be a little hurt. I agree with you that this one piece of jewelry should be special so I''d want it to have sentimental value more than monetary value.... I mean if I had to chose I''d want the sentimental value more. Is there a family ring you can use or re-set, or maybe you can make a special engraving on the inside of the ring that''s special to you as a couple....

To bring it all into perspective my mom had surgery on Monday (she''s doing great thanks everyone for your well wishes) so my dad was holding onto her e-ring and we talked about it. He said he had paid only around $350 for it when he bought it (in 1974) and then did the math and figured that with inflation it would still only cost him a little over a thousand now. That made me see that the love is so much more important than the price of the ring b/c my parents are the most amazing couple. They have been through so much and their love only gets stronger. At first I thought I''d be a little hurt if my SO didn''t spend at least as much as he spent on the first e-ring he bought (for an ex who obviously didn''t deserve it or his love)but now I know that if he went out and got me plain band I''d be happy b/c what I really want is to be married to him and know that we will be together forever....actually if he asked and put a twist tie on my finger I''d be overjoyed and I''d probably show everyone the twist tie. LOL

You just need to talk to your SO and come up with something that both of you agree on. It doesn''t sound like you''d really be happy with no ring at all. So do some research and see what you can do. You might just be pleasantly surprised.

 

[Miscka]

Hey Alli-welcome to PS!

I just wanted to say that I read your post, and I do not think you are a brat. I think you are honest with your feelings, and sometimes the truth isn't pretty. I am glad you said how you feel, even if you knew it wasn't what we/he wanted to hear. I def. know what it feels like to have strong feelings that I am not proud of, and sometimes it is tempting to cover that up and say what is easier/less controversial.

I feel a lot the same way as you do. I just think an ering is important. I realize that it can be impractical, etc. and I really wish that I didn't care about it, but I do. I also understand feeling like you don't want a bad taste in your mouth about whatever it is. However, I hope you will give it some time to think it over. I know that our budget for my ring is well below what I originally thought, and at first I was a little bummed. But the more that I thought about it the more I got excited about our other options. Now that some time has passed and we are getting closer to buying, all I feel is excited to be engaged to my man. I would rather have what we have chosen than nothing at all. Maybe someday I will get my dream ring (he says 10th wedding anni but who knows). Have you considered an eternity band? Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn both did this, and I think it is SUCH a classy look. That would signify to others that you are engaged, you would have something sparkly to mark the occasion and it could be relatively inexpensive. You could stack another one for a wband or get a plain band to go with it, and if you get something else later in life you can still use the eternity band in your set.

Anway, I hope you figure out something that works for you!

ETA: KCCutie that is a great story about your parents!

 

[LegacyGirl]

We didn''t have a really high budget but I still managed to find a lovely ring. It can be done I promise!

 

[choro72]

Here is my honest opinion. You may ignore it if you wish. No harm intended on anyone.

I suggest you to stay away from Pricescope, at least until you gain more insight to the situation. The ladies here are very intelligent, thoughtful, and they always give good advice. However, at the end of the day, Pricescope is a diamond learning place. Conversations here are full of "is this the right diamond?", "when is he going to propose?", "Let me share my engagement ring!", "I just got the CAD!"...Even if you stick to your own topic and you get many great advices (as you already have), by staying on this forum I think you might be stuck in the mindset of "How can I get the ring?"

You said that you didn''t want to talk to your friends and family directly. I completely understand. How about a letter? I find that this works for me. Maybe you can ask your friends and his. I suggest you write down what you and your BF have talked about, write your perspective, and ask their opinion.
Better yet, write it to your BF. You can write that you appreciate everything he does for you, but the ring is very important to you, and you want to gain more insight as to why he is so against it. Hopefully you two can stay away from the emotional face-to-face talk, and be able to carry an objective conversation this way.

One question I may pose on him is, is he willing to spend money on something else that can be a symbol of your commitment? I know many men who refuse to conform standards which was created by money seeking industries. But if a symbol is what you want, maybe he will be open to other ideas. How about a watch? I know a couple who got engaged with a matching pair of sunglasses. That is, of course, assuming that YOU will be alright with this.

 

[sunnyd]

If a ring is important to you, it should be important to him too. It''s not about how big or sparkly it is, it''s about the meaning behind it. Maybe he thinks it''s ''just any old ring'' which is why he''s reluctant to ''waste''

money on it.

In my experience, guys look to other guys they know to see what to do. When my BF and I first started talking rings, he planned to do it like his brother in law did - go to Shane Co, buy ring, give ring to me, voila! Then I found PS and knew that I didn''t want to go that route. After a few "why does this have to be so complicated?" sessions relating to the go, buy, give theory, he came around.

Don''t know if that helps or not...but welcome anyway. And good luck.

 

[alli_esq]

Bee*: I agree with you. I hate that it bothers me at all--I just have to be honest about it with myself and with my BF or I will harbor resentment.

KCCutie: Thanks for understanding. I am glad that your mother is recuperating--my mother has had many illnesses and has gone under the knife many times, and I know how scary that can be.
It''s funny--I spoke with my mom today and she told me that when she and my dad got engaged (41+ years ago!) that she told him that she didn''t care if she got a ring. He insisted, because he wanted her to know how important she was to him. Soooo textbook as to why I think it''s important now, huh? Gah, I even annoy myself.

Miscka: Thank you for your support--I appreciate that you see that I''m trying to be honest here. I like your idea about the eternity band... But as far as an upgrade, I know that what I get now is what I will have forever--he just does not believe in buying jewelry...I have accumulated quite a lot of other types of jewelry before I met him (my mom has amazing taste and has been very generous), so I don''t think I will want or need to buy any more. Like I said--this is really just a one-time deal and it''s the only piece of jewelry about which I feel strongly.

choro72: You are probably right. I feel like I''m being let out of a girls'' club right when I thought I was entering. I like your suggestion about another symbol, but it''s really the money in general that''s the issue for him--he doesn''t think it''s worth spending more than a few hundred dollars on this type of thing, since we hope to eventually buy a house and have children, and he''s in the midst of funding his independent film.

I am in the midst of a long conversation with my boyfriend about this issue, and now also about a wedding. He feels pretty similarly about the whole wedding thing--he''d be more than happy to get hitched at city hall, which is not what I want. Opulence I don''t need--but I want my family and friends there to celebrate with me.

Maybe it''s because my mother has been so sick so often that my parents have always taught me to take advantage of the happy times in your life--basically, because they are limited and you''re always going to have the tough ones...we celebrate everything in my family, and my BF''s family barely even wishes each other happy birthday. I don''t think that what I want is over-the-top, but my BF thinks I am unrealistic--that I''m "brain damaged" if I think this could all work--all this talking with him about it is making me realize that he doesn''t think very highly of me because of it. It''s sad, but I guess he should know what he''s getting into (or not).

I didn''t realize how much this would all affect me or bother him. I always imagined that the man with whom I wanted to spend my life would recognize the importance of celebration and the excitement of making the commitment. Maybe I''m just learning I''m way more materialistic and crappy than I thought.

Thank you so much for taking the time out and sharing your thoughts, ladies.

 

[alli_esq]

SunnyD: thanks for understanding...yeah, my BF''s friends generally didn''t do the ring and wedding thing...they really just don''t care about that stuff, and neither does his family. His sister is great and I love her, but she has always sort of been the anti-bride type...of course, when her now-husband wanted to get her a nice big ring and wanted a huge wedding, she went along with it, though her heart wasn''t in it. Of course my BF looks at her and wishes that I felt that way--he thinks my priorities are out of whack. Maybe they are, but I''m not going to deny that it''s how I feel.

 

[KCCutie]

I think you can certainly find something for a few thousand dollars and make is special if that''s what you both want. I know it feels right now that that isn''t at all what you want, but give it some time and really think it over. You''ll be surprised how a little time often brings things into perspective. Tell yourself you''re going to give it a certain amount of time say 2 weeks to let it sink in and try not to obsess over it during that time and at the end of the two weeks think about it again. You may feel the same which is fine and you may feel totally different which is also fine, then you need to talk to your SO about it.

I''m having trouble with the part about him just not wanting to spend the money on it. Seems like his priorities are not the same as yours right now. I understand that he wants to buy a house eventually and all that is admirable, but I worry that it sounds like funding an independent film is more important to him then your happiness. Now don''t get me wrong I am a budding filmmaker myself and I know what it''s like to have a vision of film that you just have to see made. It''s just that no matter how supportive you are of him and his dreams he needs to understand and support you just as much. Maybe you can do both (fund his film and buy the ring you dream of), but maybe it will take more time than you both hoped. I think this is where you need to compromise, both of you. Believe me I understand wanting to be engaged and wanting it to happen soon but if you could have your dream ring if he saved up another 6 months would you be willing to make that trade? Have you talked about that or does he just not want to spend more than what he''s stated as a matter of principle?

About the wedding with family, there are so many options between having a big church wedding with a big reception and just running off to the courthouse I''m sure you could come up with something that makes everyone happy and you have plenty of time for that.

 

[alli_esq]

Date: 3/21/2008 3:52:27 PM
Author: KCCutie
I think you can certainly find something for a few thousand dollars and make is special if that''s what you both want. I know it feels right now that that isn''t at all what you want, but give it some time and really think it over. You''ll be surprised how a little time often brings things into perspective. Tell yourself you''re going to give it a certain amount of time say 2 weeks to let it sink in and try not to obsess over it during that time and at the end of the two weeks think about it again. You may feel the same which is fine and you may feel totally different which is also fine, then you need to talk to your SO about it.


I''m having trouble with the part about him just not wanting to spend the money on it. Seems like his priorities are not the same as yours right now. I understand that he wants to buy a house eventually and all that is admirable, but I worry that it sounds like funding an independent film is more important to him then your happiness. Now don''t get me wrong I am a budding filmmaker myself and I know what it''s like to have a vision of film that you just have to see made. It''s just that no matter how supportive you are of him and his dreams he needs to understand and support you just as much. Maybe you can do both (fund his film and buy the ring you dream of), but maybe it will take more time than you both hoped. I think this is where you need to compromise, both of you. Believe me I understand wanting to be engaged and wanting it to happen soon but if you could have your dream ring if he saved up another 6 months would you be willing to make that trade? Have you talked about that or does he just not want to spend more than what he''s stated as a matter of principle?


About the wedding with family, there are so many options between having a big church wedding with a big reception and just running off to the courthouse I''m sure you could come up with something that makes everyone happy and you have plenty of time for that.

yeah...it''s not going to be a matter of 6 months--and really, the money he''ll be spending on the film isn''t that much in comparison to like a ring or a wedding probably (his writing partner has rich in-laws)...and we have reason to believe that we will need more money for the future if we want kids (he''s 31 and I''m 27, so we''re thinking we''ll start trying in about 5 years, and there''s much infertility in my family)...

it''s hard because I''m still a student and my debts and eventual paydays are so speculative right now...

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 3/21/2008 3:30:34 PM
Author: alli_esq
Bee*: I agree with you. I hate that it bothers me at all--I just have to be honest about it with myself and with my BF or I will harbor resentment.

KCCutie: Thanks for understanding. I am glad that your mother is recuperating--my mother has had many illnesses and has gone under the knife many times, and I know how scary that can be.
It''s funny--I spoke with my mom today and she told me that when she and my dad got engaged (41+ years ago!) that she told him that she didn''t care if she got a ring. He insisted, because he wanted her to know how important she was to him. Soooo textbook as to why I think it''s important now, huh? Gah, I even annoy myself.

Miscka: Thank you for your support--I appreciate that you see that I''m trying to be honest here. I like your idea about the eternity band... But as far as an upgrade, I know that what I get now is what I will have forever--he just does not believe in buying jewelry...I have accumulated quite a lot of other types of jewelry before I met him (my mom has amazing taste and has been very generous), so I don''t think I will want or need to buy any more. Like I said--this is really just a one-time deal and it''s the only piece of jewelry about which I feel strongly.

choro72: You are probably right. I feel like I''m being let out of a girls'' club right when I thought I was entering. I like your suggestion about another symbol, but it''s really the money in general that''s the issue for him--he doesn''t think it''s worth spending more than a few hundred dollars on this type of thing, since we hope to eventually buy a house and have children, and he''s in the midst of funding his independent film.

I am in the midst of a long conversation with my boyfriend about this issue, and now also about a wedding. He feels pretty similarly about the whole wedding thing--he''d be more than happy to get hitched at city hall, which is not what I want. Opulence I don''t need--but I want my family and friends there to celebrate with me.

Maybe it''s because my mother has been so sick so often that my parents have always taught me to take advantage of the happy times in your life--basically, because they are limited and you''re always going to have the tough ones...we celebrate everything in my family, and my BF''s family barely even wishes each other happy birthday. I don''t think that what I want is over-the-top, but my BF thinks I am unrealistic--that I''m ''brain damaged'' if I think this could all work--all this talking with him about it is making me realize that he doesn''t think very highly of me because of it. It''s sad, but I guess he should know what he''s getting into (or not).

I didn''t realize how much this would all affect me or bother him. I always imagined that the man with whom I wanted to spend my life would recognize the importance of celebration and the excitement of making the commitment. Maybe I''m just learning I''m way more materialistic and crappy than I thought.

Thank you so much for taking the time out and sharing your thoughts, ladies.

Okay you are not being materialistic or crappy!!! He is anti-materialistic. Just because HE feels like this is how it should be, doesn''t mean it''s right, or the only way! If he loves you enough to want to marry you, he should realize that this symbol of committment is important to you and just do it!!! There has to be some sort of compromise here. Don''t let him get his way on this one by making you feel bad about it, you''ll only come to resent him.