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Really, I think you''re beating yourself up a little too much over this.

You have said that you''d like a simple diamond engagement ring, nothing huge, nothing too fancy, but something symbolic. You also have said that having a wedding where you say your vows in front of family and friends is important to you.

Neither of these is an unreasonable request. For $1500, you could get a very pretty half carat diamond like this one, set in a simple white gold tiffany style setting. If he doesn''t want to spend a lot of money on a wedding, then maybe just have the ceremony with all your family and friends and don''t do a big reception.

I understand not wanting to spend a whole lot of money on these things, but I don''t think that''s the issue here. The issue seems to be that he doesn''t really care if these things are important to you. It doesn''t make you materialistic to want a symbol of your commitment or to have your family and friends witness the two of you pledging your love together. On the other hand, it seems odd to me that he would totally write off things that are obviously very important to you. If the issue was that he couldn''t afford it, it would be different, but it sounds to me like he''s being selfish and completely insensitive to your needs.
 
Date: 3/21/2008 3:33:50 PM
Author: alli_esq
SunnyD: thanks for understanding...yeah, my BF''s friends generally didn''t do the ring and wedding thing...they really just don''t care about that stuff, and neither does his family. His sister is great and I love her, but she has always sort of been the anti-bride type...of course, when her now-husband wanted to get her a nice big ring and wanted a huge wedding, she went along with it, though her heart wasn''t in it. Of course my BF looks at her and wishes that I felt that way--he thinks my priorities are out of whack. Maybe they are, but I''m not going to deny that it''s how I feel.
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I''m sure you are being emotional, and I''m assuming your BF is a great guy. You''re probably only telling us one side of him right? Otherwise, this is what I have to say.
He should go to some country where it is legal to marry his sister. You and every good human being deserve to find the one person who takes her wishes, goals and dreams seriously. Even if he doesn''t care for all the commercialism, if it is something you have always dreamed about, he should be willing to put aside his beliefs and make it happen for you. As long as he is with you, that is not going to change. Of course he is what he is, and his beliefs should not be compromised either. But so far, it sounds like he has no intention of budging.

I have so far being trying to give solutions that may be appealing to both of you, but now it sounds like he does not want to spend any money on a ring+wedding period. My next suggestion was going to be for you two to get a financial adviser, and that person can help you figure out how much you can spend comfortably on these things. Now I think that no matter what amount your adviser tells you, he won''t want to spend on it.

As I said before, I completely understand his point of view. I''m the same way, but am I going to stamp my little foot and say "NO, I will not have a ring or a wedding, and you all can kiss my *** adorned with my delusions of grandeur"? No, it''s important to my family and BF, and BF will get what he wants (I started getting excited about the whole thing but that''s another story...). The point is, we have found a solution that makes us both happy.

Sorry if I''m being too harsh on your BF. I hope he is more willing to make you happy. It doesn''t sound like you are asking for anything that is going to ruin your future finances. If he is going to be miserable giving you what you want, then I think there is your answer to what your next course of action should be.
 
Lady Pirate I couldn''t have said it better myself! Very well put!

I understand if he doesn''t want to go over the deep end on these things, I mean who isn''t going to need money in the future? No One! He needs to trust that things will work out in the future that the two of you will make them work no matter what. I think he really is a good guy he just doesn''t see yet how important this really is to you. Even with us you''re kinda pulling your punches a little. Have you really told him how very important this is to you and why? I agree with the other poster who said maybe you should write it down I often find it''s easer to say exactly what I want in writing. if you feel you have adequately expressed yourself then you need to take some time to think and see if his ideas will really make you happy or not.
 
Alli,

Please don''t be so hard on yourself. I can absolutely relate and understand the importance of the ering. I got engaged when I was 27 and had all these visions of what my ering would look like. I really wanted to *LOVE* my ring. What girl wouldn''t? As my fiance was a grad student at the time, I knew he didn''t have a large budget, but I was willing to contribute towards the budget so that I could have a ring closer to my vision. He didn''t like that idea. In fact, he didn''t want to discuss the ring budget at all, as he thought it was "gauche." We definitely had different ideas of what the ring should be...and like you, our financial upbringing and our outlook on material things in general were VERY different (and this is something that REALLY should be explored extensively before getting married). While I was thrilled to be finally be engaged to him after 5+ years, and the ring was pretty, I didn''t *LOVE* it. Like you, I didn''t really see myself upgrading something with such sentimental value at a later date. And maybe all of the ring discord and not being on the same financial page about things in general was a bit of foreshadowing; I ultimately ended up breaking off the engagement. After all of the heartbreak finally subsided, I thought to myself, kid you not, "Well, maybe next time I''ll have a ring that I love."

Fast forward to now, and I am about to be engaged to a wonderful man who wants nothing more than to make me happy. His ring budget exceeded my expectations. When I discussed my ring with my mom (also a jewelry lover), she was enthusiastic, but then Practical Mom kicked in and she said maybe we shouldn''t spend so much on a ring when there will be "other expenses." I told her my ering and my wedding band will be the most important pieces of jewelry that I will ever own. They are an investment and I will wear them every day for the rest of my life. They will be passed on when I am gone. This is how important I view them. If I never get another piece of jewelry from him, I will have wedding rings (and a husband!)
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that "knock my socks off" every time I look at them. I am willing to sacrifice other luxuries now (expensive dinners, vacations, etc.) for the ring.

All of this to say that I understand the importance of the ring to you. And it''s not about $$$ spent; it''s about tradition, and sentiment, and about fulfiling your dream of being an "engaged woman" with a ring. I don''t think there''s anything wrong with that. You''re not asking your BF to dole out his life savings. I would be more concerned, as Surfgirl said, that he is so dismissive of your feelings when this is so important to you. And really, while he seems to know the 1% of women who are anti-brides, the other 99% of us are very excited about rings and wedding planning and all of the other things that come with the territory of getting married. Most men don''t get the wedding mania, but they can accept that it comes with becoming a bride-to-be, and they put up with it because they know we''ll once again return to normal after the wedding!

You should definitely revisit this issue with your BF after you''ve had some time to reflect. It might be a good opportunity to discuss your views on finances and money (if you haven''t already), because as I learned with my ex-fiance, our issues went far beyond how much $$ to spend on an ering.
 
I hope he comes around and can see why it matters to you. It should not just be his view only.

In the future are you going to mind that he is not likely to buy you jewelry for other events and occasions? If this is his view about an e ring, I assume he also feels that way about other jewelry...and I love getting pieces for significant events. If you do not feel that way, it is a moot point, but to me, it should matter to him what you feel about it. This is not just a piece of jewelry to you.
 
wow, I a really overwhelmed. you ladies are so great to read this all and respond so thoroughly and with so much thought.

I am at my parents'' house for the weekend. basically, he is so disgusted with me, I knew I wouldn''t really be able to comfortably sit out the weekend at our apartment.

I haven''t stopped bawling for a while now (waterworks really pumped when I read your post, eaglesgal!), but you know what--it''s good that we both learned this about each other now. he learned that I am a "princess" and I learned that he thinks that little of me.

thanks again, ladies...I can''t tell you how much I appreciate your advice and your virtual ears.
 
I'm going to be very blunt here.

If my FI had really thought 100% that spending money on an e-ring was a waste of $$ despite knowing how much it meant to me - I would have my bags packed and be out the door pretty quickly.

Not because I am materialistic - but because I don't want to be with a man who doesn't think my happiness is enough to make a priority in his life.

My FI doesn't like the idea of getting married (and has understandable reasons). We are getting married in July because he knew that I wanted to get married more than he wanted to not get married.

Surprisingly, he was super-keen about the engagement ring. He's a very careful saver and I've asked him many times if he thinks it's ridiculous having spent so much money on something so small - and he says no, because you get so much pleasure from it and I love to see you happy.

A man who gets pleasure from making me happy and vice-versa is the least I expect from a marriage.

My sister has married a man who only bought her a ring because my father told him to get his a** down to the shops and buy her one after he said he thought they were a waste of $$. Lets just say that my BIL's attitude to that has repeated itself in many ways over the last 8 years... and she has the marriage from hell - and they have now dragged 2 kids into the mess.


I don't think you are a brat at all and it seems to me that this totally isn't about the size/cost of the ring - but about the principle and symbolism behind it. It also hurts to think that so many other people's SO's are excited about buying them a ring and that you will be left either having to lie and say you didn't actually want one, or feel that you can't say you are engaged in case people give you 'that' look,

Think VERY carefully about how you REALLY feel. It would have been so easy for me to say 'okay honey, let's just live together' - but I knew I would regret it and it would eat away at me if I didn't go with what I really felt. I made it very clear to him that it was a deal-breaker. He's actually looking forward to the whole wedding/kids thing now!
 
You''ve gotten a lot of good advice here...And it''s important to really reflect not on "OMG! I dont want to date again and find someone else!" but rather, "Is this man going to make a truly loving life partner and take care of my needs, just as I would take care of his?" Better to come to some realizations NOW, rather than after that courthouse ceremony!

I''m wondering what your parents think of all this, since I assume they can see you''re upset and you''ve told them what''s going on...?
 
alli, please ignore my previous suggestion about leaving PS. I''m sure you have friends and family to count on while you recover (and recover you will). But if all else fails, you will always have a place here. I will tell you who I am disgusted with, and it''s not you.
 
i agree with pandora and surfgirl - this might be a really telling sign
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it's one thing for a boyfriend to dismiss a girl demanding a gigantic ring that is out of budget in lieu of a more modest one that is affordable, but it's another to dismiss the girl altogether.

my FI and i are pretty different when it comes to money (i'm frugal but he's SUPER frugal....except when it comes to something he really wants.) i'll admit that i sometimes get crazy ideas that my FI doesn't indulge me in because of the cost involved and his lack of interest in it overall. but whenever there's something that is really important to me he'll always hear me out and even if it isn't on the first try, by the second third or fourth try he's usually come around. (i should mention that as of right now he makes all the money because i'm in grad school with no job...and i'm not irresponsible enough to spend money that i don't have to indulge myself). just tonite he came around to the idea of upping the wedding band budget to $700 (which most likely had more to do with him wanting me to give him the go-ahead to spend the money to upgrade his computer than his urge to make me happy...but still
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)

it makes me nervous that he is being so judgmental of you for having this as a priority. if you are going into nonprofit law (or something along those lines that doesn't pay a lot) then chances are you are no "princess", and it's pretty harsh that he would make you feel like that based on this alone. clearly he has some strong ideologies that he lives by, but they certainly don't make him a better person for it if he uses them as a way to judge others, including the person he loves.

he has to exist in your world just has much as you have to exist in his. if he is unwilling to make that compromise, and requires you to live by his standards and with his priorities at all times, chances are you are going to end up in a very unfulfilling marriage. i really really hope that he realizes how selfish and judgemental
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) he is being and comes around. you don't deserve to be feeling the way you are in the slightest, and shame on him for putting his own lofty priorities above your happiness.
 
You have gotten some GREAT advice here in the last few posts.

I am sorry that you''re having a hard time with your SO about such a sensitive issue.

Ordinairly I would say, that all of our knowledge about diamonds or even just what we want in an engagement ring can often be a set up for disappointment. Just in the sense that, what we may want for ourselves may cost too much for our SO or be completely not their taste. But in your case, I also have to echo the sentiments of others, that it is not really about THE RING anymore, it''s about his idea that you can only value things that HE believes are also valuable. You cannot or should not derive happiness from something he thinks is a waste of money.


Finally, on a quick personal note:

I had a similar family situation as yours in that my parents are great with money and jewelry, but that my EX''s family was very poor given that his father passed away while the EX was still in his teens. Once, when we had been dating for some time, we discussed marriage and I brought up rings, telling him what I liked. He told me flat out: "I don''t have the money for that, but even if I did, you would NEVER get it because it''s too much to spend on something like that." He then told me how materialistic and childish I was, and how I should just be happy he wanted to marry me at all. I respected that he didn''t have the money and I wouldn''t expect it out of someone who couldn''t afford it, but the sentiment was a massive red flag.

And after our relationship ended, I was truly relieved. It took such a weight off my shoulders to be able to want things and not have to feel guilty. And before I found pricescope, my current SO and I did walk into Tiffany''s and I practically fell in love with that stupid solitaire setting and an almost $30K ring. We didn''t have the money for it and we both knew it, so we walked out hand in hand. And you know what he said to me?

"Let''s do some research at home and make sure this is what you want. After that, if it still is, I''ll do my best to get it for you because I don''t want to deny you anything." That moment, really sealed the deal.

Oh and as a side note, THANK GOD I FOUND PRICESCOPE!!! haha.
 
You ladies are all wonderful, insightful and so warm! I am so happy you have each found a SO who appreciates and loves you for who you are. You all more than deserve it.

Probably some of the best advice I''ve gotten in a long time.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
 
Date: 3/21/2008 9:22:16 PM
Author: surfgirl
You''ve gotten a lot of good advice here...And it''s important to really reflect not on ''OMG! I dont want to date again and find someone else!'' but rather, ''Is this man going to make a truly loving life partner and take care of my needs, just as I would take care of his?'' Better to come to some realizations NOW, rather than after that courthouse ceremony!


I''m wondering what your parents think of all this, since I assume they can see you''re upset and you''ve told them what''s going on...?
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It must be my personal experiences that keep drawing me to this thread but I cannot but give a huge thumbs up to Surfgirl for this comment.

I had this sentiment too when I ended things with my ex, that it would be so hard to start over again after dating my EX for almost 4.5 years. And when I went on my 2nd date with my current SO a few months later... I honestly said to myself that the past two dates I had were worth giving up the entire 4.5 years for because it opened my eyes to how much happier I could be! And I''m not saying I fell in love in 2 dates, I just had a much better time because I felt so much more respected!!!
 
No one should stay because of fear of the unknown.

It would be better to be alone than be with someone who does not put your happiness as a priority.

I am not saying that is your guy, but just putting it out there.

The fact that he is disgusted with you for expressing your wants and what is important to you does make me feel bad. I am sure he knows you and knows you are not materialistic and that you have your priorities in order...wanting an e ring is NOT solely about a piece of bling. Maybe it is not going to be an extravagant piece, but I still think you should have something.
 
Date: 3/21/2008 11:53:31 PM
Author: moderatelypoorstudent
Date: 3/21/2008 9:22:16 PM

It must be my personal experiences that keep drawing me to this thread but I cannot but give a huge thumbs up to Surfgirl for this comment.


I had this sentiment too when I ended things with my ex, that it would be so hard to start over again after dating my EX for almost 4.5 years. And when I went on my 2nd date with my current SO a few months later... I honestly said to myself that the past two dates I had were worth giving up the entire 4.5 years for because it opened my eyes to how much happier I could be! And I''m not saying I fell in love in 2 dates, I just had a much better time because I felt so much more respected!!!
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oh, tell me about it. That''s how I felt with my current boyfriend after I broke up with the last one, who I had been with for about 2 years. I fell for him so fast--I didn''t think it was possible to be able to laugh that hard with someone I was actually attracted to...I just felt like I had really found my intellectual and creative equal for the first time in a partner...

The thing is, I still feel that way. Even when we''re just sitting on the couch watching TV, most nights he''ll end up saying something that will just tickle me. I still enjoy him so much. I know I am far from the perfect girlfriend...I hope we can work all of this out.
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Wish me luck sleeping tonight, ladies. I know I''m gushing, but you''ve really all been so helpful and great.
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Date: 3/22/2008 12:31:57 AM
Author: diamondfan
No one should stay because of fear of the unknown.


It would be better to be alone than be with someone who does not put your happiness as a priority.


I am not saying that is your guy, but just putting it out there.


The fact that he is disgusted with you for expressing your wants and what is important to you does make me feel bad. I am sure he knows you and knows you are not materialistic and that you have your priorities in order...wanting an e ring is NOT solely about a piece of bling. Maybe it is not going to be an extravagant piece, but I still think you should have something.
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No, I would not stay for fear of the unknown--absolutely not. It''s not at all my interest to have a partner just for the heck of it. I am in it because I admire him, he improves my life and he inspires me to do better. It''s just that he grew up with nothing, and no help whatsoever from anyone--every red cent he has is his own, which is not what I can say for myself, since my parents have been a financial backup for me when going has been rough. I understand that he is afraid that we might need the money that he would spend on the ring if we were to have some sort of emergency...it makes sense. I don''t know. Maybe I am actually being as unrealistic as he thinks I am.

or maybe he should have just sucked it up and done what would make me happy...
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Well, you can''t always have your head in the clouds. Better safe than sorry if that money ended up being really necessary in the future.
 
Well, I suppose you could say that about any money spent on non essentials. I guess one has to draw the line somewhere. I just think you should have a ring if you want one. One that is not out of the realm of reasonable, but something you can be happy about.
 
I hope you don''t mind a guy chiming in here. Not to repeat what anyone else has already said but it''s good that this topic has come up for you. If your bf has an issue with the ring and wedding and is unwilling to compromise then what else will he be unwilling to compromise on in the future? Relationships are about give and take. I understand being practical, but love and romance would not exist if they were looked at from a practical point of view.

My fiance and I are getting married this May. She got a beautiful e-ring from me that cost just under 5k. It''s not the most expensive ring nor the least but it''s a ring she loves. This is what''s most important to me. From a practical point of view I would have never spent that on a piece of jewelry - but as you and others have said, it''s not just a ring. Now I''m not saying anyone should go into debt over a ring but there has to be understanding from both as to the importance.

For our wedding we discussed doing a destination wedding in Hawaii. I would have done this in a minute. But if we chose to do this then her grandparents and aunts and uncles would not be able to make it. I simply asked her if in 10 or 20 yrs when her grandparents weren''t around anymore if it would bother her that they weren''t at the wedding ( knowing full well what her answer would be). It didn''t take her long to respond that it would upset her. So now as we are approaching May our wedding will be at a very nice reception area with approx 200 guests. This far exceeds what I had thought would be 80-100 guests tops. But again, it''s about compromise.

If your bf knows how much the ring and wedding mean to you as you say he does then you both need to have a long conversation about your future. The days of the mans word being the last word have been over for years. Plus that''s no way to have a healthy relationship.

Now being that this is cyberspace, there is also the chance that you''ve unveiled more of your feelings and thoughts to us since it''s easier to open up to complete strangers ( can you tell I was a psych major?). Not saying this is the case since I don''t know you, just make sure for your sake that you actually have ( or at least will) convey to your bf your true feelings on the ring and wedding.
 
pivotlrex....dude, Word! And...do you have any brothers? Because there''s plenty of women here who aren''t yet married who''d love a guy like you!
 
Date: 3/22/2008 1:41:22 AM
Author: pivotalrex
I hope you don''t mind a guy chiming in here. Not to repeat what anyone else has already said but it''s good that this topic has come up for you. If your bf has an issue with the ring and wedding and is unwilling to compromise then what else will he be unwilling to compromise on in the future? Relationships are about give and take. I understand being practical, but love and romance would not exist if they were looked at from a practical point of view.

My fiance and I are getting married this May. She got a beautiful e-ring from me that cost just under 5k. It''s not the most expensive ring nor the least but it''s a ring she loves. This is what''s most important to me. From a practical point of view I would have never spent that on a piece of jewelry - but as you and others have said, it''s not just a ring. Now I''m not saying anyone should go into debt over a ring but there has to be understanding from both as to the importance.

For our wedding we discussed doing a destination wedding in Hawaii. I would have done this in a minute. But if we chose to do this then her grandparents and aunts and uncles would not be able to make it. I simply asked her if in 10 or 20 yrs when her grandparents weren''t around anymore if it would bother her that they weren''t at the wedding ( knowing full well what her answer would be). It didn''t take her long to respond that it would upset her. So now as we are approaching May our wedding will be at a very nice reception area with approx 200 guests. This far exceeds what I had thought would be 80-100 guests tops. But again, it''s about compromise.

If your bf knows how much the ring and wedding mean to you as you say he does then you both need to have a long conversation about your future. The days of the mans word being the last word have been over for years. Plus that''s no way to have a healthy relationship.

Now being that this is cyberspace, there is also the chance that you''ve unveiled more of your feelings and thoughts to us since it''s easier to open up to complete strangers ( can you tell I was a psych major?). Not saying this is the case since I don''t know you, just make sure for your sake that you actually have ( or at least will) convey to your bf your true feelings on the ring and wedding.
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My thoughts exactly. What happens in the future when you disagree on other large expenses?

Alli esq, you are NOT a jerk, and you''re being way too hard on yourself. It is not wrong for you to have certain expectations or dreams, and for your BF to want you to conform completely to his opinions re. the ring issue without compromise and then acting like he''s disgusted with you is really unfortunate. I really feel for you and hope you can work this issue out somehow. Take care, enjoy the weekend with your parents and take this time to regroup and remember that you are an individual who deserves not to be looked down upon because you have certain aspirations in life.
 
Date: 3/22/2008 1:41:22 AM
Author: pivotalrex
I hope you don't mind a guy chiming in here. Not to repeat what anyone else has already said but it's good that this topic has come up for you. If your bf has an issue with the ring and wedding and is unwilling to compromise then what else will he be unwilling to compromise on in the future? Relationships are about give and take. I understand being practical, but love and romance would not exist if they were looked at from a practical point of view.


My fiance and I are getting married this May. She got a beautiful e-ring from me that cost just under 5k. It's not the most expensive ring nor the least but it's a ring she loves. This is what's most important to me. From a practical point of view I would have never spent that on a piece of jewelry - but as you and others have said, it's not just a ring. Now I'm not saying anyone should go into debt over a ring but there has to be understanding from both as to the importance.


For our wedding we discussed doing a destination wedding in Hawaii. I would have done this in a minute. But if we chose to do this then her grandparents and aunts and uncles would not be able to make it. I simply asked her if in 10 or 20 yrs when her grandparents weren't around anymore if it would bother her that they weren't at the wedding ( knowing full well what her answer would be). It didn't take her long to respond that it would upset her. So now as we are approaching May our wedding will be at a very nice reception area with approx 200 guests. This far exceeds what I had thought would be 80-100 guests tops. But again, it's about compromise.


If your bf knows how much the ring and wedding mean to you as you say he does then you both need to have a long conversation about your future. The days of the mans word being the last word have been over for years. Plus that's no way to have a healthy relationship.


Now being that this is cyberspace, there is also the chance that you've unveiled more of your feelings and thoughts to us since it's easier to open up to complete strangers ( can you tell I was a psych major?). Not saying this is the case since I don't know you, just make sure for your sake that you actually have ( or at least will) convey to your bf your true feelings on the ring and wedding.
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Hear, Hear! See alli, there are men such as he! Do not despair! I'm not assuming that you guys are going to break up, but I'm trying to keep you from being ashamed of yourself. Bottom line is, "compromise" needs to go both ways, and he needs to do his part.

For some reason, when men say "no, it's going to be this way", women tend to be much more accommodating than men would be had the women made such demands. When women are single we tend to have a healthy idea of what we want in a man. When we are actually together, it becomes "I must be asking too much", "Well, I guess I can live with this" Or worse yet, in my case, "Well, he doesn't physically abuse me..."
Ah, the time we spend learning. What I find funny is, there are plenty of wonderful men like pivotalrex, but for some reason the good people end up with the ****s.
I'm just rambling on now...
 
choro doest speaketh the truth, imo!
 
alli I think it''s a shame that he''s made you feel so insignificant about yourself. He as, in essence, turned this whole issue into something about money, rather than about the important fact that he is refusing to work as part of a team, and compromise. A marriage is made of two individuals and as different and separate they can be, they come together because they respect and love each other and are willing to do what it takes to make the other happy. He''s lost sight of that.

Yes, you''re an all or nothing kind of girl. But that doesn''t mean you can''t compromise either. If a piece of jewelry has that much significance you could have compromised and worked within the budget. Yes you might have resented it, but at least you had the option of having it or refusing it. Apparently he''s giving you zero options. He''s flat out saying no to two things that really mean a lot to you. He''s belittled you by calling you brain damaged, materialistic and a princess. What interests me is that he''s saying all this to you--but what does this say about him?

I''ll tell you something--both me and my bf grew up with very little. We currently are making modestly comfortable incomes, however, nothing extravagant enough to get a huge ring or wedding. However, I had a dream ring in my head too. I wanted something that was in the $10,000 budget (yeah, I''m a dreamer!) and I told him that. We had a big tiff about it because he felt that it was extravagant, and expected to pay half that for the ring. BUT it was never a situation where we didn''t listen to each other, talk about it or call each other names. In the end, we compromised on the budget, which we''ve narrowed to $7-8K, a half way mark between our two original ideas. Now I had to compromise on the timeline because it will take another six months before he''ll save enough up, but I''m okay with that.

I''ve challenged myself to make the most budget friendly ring possible, and make it under $7K, and you know what? My SO has realized how hard I''m working at it that he wanted to up the budget to make it easier for me. I''m not accepting by any means, but that he''s offered means so much to me.

What made the whole ring budget argument eyeopening for me is how open and willing he was to meet in the middle. We were working together to make each other feel comfortable about our shared interests, regardless of what our personal feelings on the matter were. It made me realize that he is someone who would always hear me out even if he disagrees strongly with what I have to say. He''s in my corner 100% even if he doesn''t share my precise vision.

I hope that this helps you in talking to your bf. Your bf should not, in my opinion, have done what he did regardless of his opinions. I sincerely hope he hears you out.
 
alli, how''s it going? I''m guessing you''re not still at your parents house so how are you doing?
 
I was thinking about her these few days too...I hope she''s doing alright.
 
Hi, everyone--thank you for trying to catch up with me. I''ve been so busy lately (I think I mentioned I''m a law student...uuugh), but I have not actually dropped off the face of the planet completely.

So, here is my update:
After spending just over a day at my parents'' house, I went back home with my bf. We had a rough several days together, and couldn''t really discuss much because we both felt so raw. Basically, he let me know that he thought that my disappointment about this whole thing stemmed from the fact that I didn''t think he was going to be spending enough on a ring, and if that''s how I felt, then I guess it sort of made him question where my priorities are. After all, although it''s significant, it is still a piece of jewelry, and if we are concerned about having enough money to feed ourselves, jewelry really shouldn''t be the most important thing to me.

I tried to express the fact that the number he gave me was fine and reasonable, and what is very important to me is the celebration of being united with him--that a ring and a wedding is important to me because I want an opportunity to share the joy I feel having found him with my friends and family. I have no intention of getting into debt and destroying the possibility of a comfortable future together--I just want us to start off in a celebratory and exciting way, and I want the chance to share that with people who will be happy for us.

I might also add that I am also going through a professionally very stressful time (though that could be said about any period since I began law school), and I haven''t been sleeping very well or handling anything with much poise. So, last Friday, after some arguing and anger and sadness from my end, he sort of begged me to let him take me out (we split about 98% of the time we go out). At dinner, while we were both rather drunk, he told me that "of course" he wants to give me as much as he can, and that he knew that if we budgeted and didn''t get too stressed out about all of our financial issues (read: academic debt, since neither of us has any personal debt), we could probably make all of this ring and wedding stuff work. It was the most positive I have ever heard him be about our financial future. He even asked what kind of ring I liked, and told me that when we got home, he wanted me to go online and show him so he had an idea. I was just floored.

Of course, when we got home, he pretty much passed out, and left me wondering how much he really meant of what he said. The next day we spent together was Sunday, and in the cold light of day, he was back to his normal self. When I mentioned something about a wedding, he immediately got defensive and told me "I''m not spending more than $x, and it''s absolutely crazy for you to think we''re going to have a nice wedding," etc. I told him that I thought that was very reasonable of him, and I think that, like he had said a couple of days earlier, that if we were careful with our money, we could have everything we want. "It''s just ONE DAY! It''s so STUPID to spend our hard-earned money on something so fleeting!" He went on and on.

Ultimately, it''s not that he thinks that a wedding and a ring are stupid--or even that I am. He thinks that it''s fine if you have the money to do it, and he just doesn''t think we do. I understand his concern--I don''t even have a job lined up yet for after graduation. I wish he really felt the way he expressed to me on Friday when he had a few too many.

But, now that I have had a chance to really process all of this, I am trying to put it all into perspective, though my feelings are strong and ambivalent. I went out to lunch with a girl friend last week and just vented like crazy, telling her that "I''m worth it, dammit! I should have what I want! I am not asking for the world, and he should be so proud to be with me, he should want to get up on a mountaintop to proclaim his love for me--and if he isn''t as thrilled to be with me as he should be, I should really just leave!" etc., etc. Then again, he does have a point--it can end up being a lot of money and we don''t have that much. Although I am generally pretty good with money, I am a strong believer in the whole, "what''s the point in having it if you don''t spend it on what you want?" concept. He and I have different perspectives because he never had ANYTHING (this past two years has been the first time he''s ever even had a savings account and he''s 31!), and I always got everything I wanted, even though what I''ve wanted has not usually been overly extravagant.

Meh. Just venting some more, I suppose--but since you were all so sweet and thoughtful in responding to my previous posts, I just wanted to update (though there''s not much to update except for my being a little emotionally calmer).

Thanks again, everyone!
Alli
 
Glad to hear you''re feeling emotionally better about all this, but I have to say the Jekyll and Hyde behavior your SO is exhibiting is unnerving to me. One day he has a few drinks and is all for a ring and a wedding and the next he thinks you''re crazy and says they are stupid. I just don''t know about that.
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I''m sorry, but I just don''t see how this guy can think the way he is thinking. This is your wedding, it is the day you promise yourselves to each other, speak vows, and seal your lives together. This ring signifies a promise to each other, to marry one another and be together for the rest of your lives. No the wedding doesn''t have to be big, and no the ring doesn''t either, but he''s acting as though the whole thing is meaningless to him and I think that is just unreasonable and selfish. I understand that he is thinking about money, but let''s put it this way, do you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about money? And what happens on your anniversaries? Honey moon? Children''s birthdays? What happens when you decide you want a family vacation? Do you want to feel like his wants come first all of the time?

My perspective is this. As much as you are willing to bend over backwards to be with him, he should feel the same. And you are right, he should feel lucky to be with you. I know my SO would do anything he can to make me happy. HELL he moved back up to where we are now vs. West Palm where his entire family is because I wasn''t happy there. I had no friends and no life..... I rarely left the house, and he saw that I wasn''t happy and he made the sacrifice for my happiness.

He understands how I feel about the ring as well, and set me a reasonable budget. Its not a billion dollars (lol), but its satisfying and will actually find me what I want in the end due to me being focused on something a bit smaller (I have small hands), but still have the gorgeous setting of my dreams. That being said, I''m not expecting a huge drawn out proposal, its not his style normally. If he does do it then great, but if not then no worries, and we both want a small wedding.

Your SO should be willing to work with you and compromise. He should NOT be sending you on a guilt trip or making you feel so down and out and basically insulting your feelings. I would take some serious time to consider these things...
 
Date: 4/1/2008 3:03:25 PM
Author: KCCutie
Glad to hear you''re feeling emotionally better about all this, but I have to say the Jekyll and Hyde behavior your SO is exhibiting is unnerving to me. One day he has a few drinks and is all for a ring and a wedding and the next he thinks you''re crazy and says they are stupid. I just don''t know about that.
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ditto. He should want to shout it from the rooftops that he wants to be with you. It should be what both of you want, not just what he wants.
 
I agree with KCutie. I''m glad you got a chance to vent with your friend.
 
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