hi there

[sklingem]

Hey Alli - sorry to hear about your troubles. Money can be a complicated issue, and this is where the problem seems to be. Obviously neither of you want to get into any (major) debt given that you already have a lot of school-related debt/expenses. These debts are probably going to be around for quite a while I assume. What this means is your SO will have to get used to the idea that you can't postpone the engagement and/or wedding until your are debt-free. If that is the case, you will both have to decide what budget you would feel comfortable with, knowing that these expenses will probably get you further in debt (if your parents are not paying for the wedding).
In short: (1) when do we want to get engaged? (2) when do we want to get married? (3) What amount of debt do we feel we can have before spending ANY money on an engagement and/or wedding? (4) How much would we want to spend for each of these two events and at what interval?
Really, a lot of it is about realistic expectations, not a sense of "worth". I would feel VERY uncomfortable spending 20K when I am already in debt, but less so if I spend 5K or if I have no debt. If you can't do without a big ring/wedding (whatever that means) then you may have to wait a long time before your finances can allow it (and your SO feels comfortable with it). If being engaged and getting married in the short-term is more important to you then you may have to cut down your expectations by a LOT given your financial situation. I got married when I was in college and spent 1.5K on an engagement ring and 4K on a small, self-catered wedding where my wife and I did most of the work (flowers, invites etc.). Is it possible? Yes. But I am not saying it is for everybody nor should it be.
I would tell my SO: (a) I want to get married within x years/months; (b) I want a ring; (c) I want a nice wedding (ceremony). I am open to different scenarios on how to do it, why don't YOU come up with a plan to make it work (this should not sound confrontational). If you are worth it, HE should come up with a solution on how he can make you happy within his means, because you certainly deserve that!!!
Good luck!

 

[lliang_chi]

Hi Alli,

It seems like you''re willing to be reasonable. I think if you''re both willing to compromise, maybe you guys can get an open dialog going. From just what I''ve read here, he doesn''t sound like he''s ready to compromise yet. And being drunk and schmaltzy doesn''t count.

As difficult as it might seem, give him some time to cool off a little. But he should know that the discussion isn''t over. Not in a mean, ultimatum sense, but in a "I think we''re both very emotional right now, and we should wait and have this discussion later" sense. Maybe it''ll take a week or a month, but give yourselves time to cool. Maybe spend some more time with your family and/or friends (they sound very important to you). Join a group in your law school, just something to occupy yourself. (I know law school takes up a lot of your time as is, so maybe just double-dedicate yourself to your studies or something).

I really hope everything works out for the both of you. You say such wonderful things about him, he seems like a really good guy. I think you guys are misinterpreting each other''s view/sentiment and can''t get past that. You''ll need to come back to this with a new set of eyes. I''m not dismissing his behavior about trivializing something that you have strong feelings for, but I''m just saying beating this nail over and over again isn''t do anything but make things worse. You need to reset yourselves before you can start again.

~lisa

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Don't worry, it'll all work out! Just stay clear with him or with your Mom (and then she can talk to him) about what you want. I thought my budget needed to be 2x what it was for what I wanted, but I ended up liking the smaller, but better quality diamond. Plus the good relationship with jewelers helps we got a pretty good discount.

ETA: The discount was through my Mom's previous business with this store also, that's why I mentioned it.

 

[gwendolyn]

Hey there, hon, I haven''t had a chance to say hello yet but I have been following your thread, and you and your SO are personifications of the two voices in my head. I''ve got a TON of academic debt--J doesn''t have any, but all of mine more than makes up for that!--and J and I are citizens of different countries (me from the US, him from the UK), so we''ve got thousands of dollars of visa applications and things that we need to complete in order to have permission to get married to each other. Since I was 16, I''ve been in love with diamond rings and have been window shopping for the day when I could have my own engagement ring--but now it looks like there''s at least a possibility I won''t get one, or *shouldn''t* get one because of financial constraints.

When I first talked to J about engagement rings, he was 100% against the idea and we argued a number of times about it: to me, it was a very powerful symbol of our commitment, to him, it was a giant waste of money for something that is just decorative. After a number of conversations, he''s now more determined for me to have an engagement ring than I am half the time, because he really understands how important a symbol it is to me. Because it''s important to me, it''s now important to me. And (maybe this doesn''t make sense) because he now understands how important to me, I think it''d be easier for me to not have an engagement ring... I still want one, but I''m afraid about all the costs we have coming, so...I dunno. We will see how our finances go next year.

Anyway, I understand your side as well as your SO''s. There are some things that are important to you, no matter what anyone else thinks. If your SO doesn''t respect that this is important to you to the point where there''s no room in his mind for compromise, then that makes me worry a bit. But if he does understand and is just really concerned about your finances, then maybe you guys should figure out a budget for important life stuff and then figure out what is left over for wedding/engagement ring stuff. I know J''s and my finances will be tight, and I am more inclined to have a ring than a nice wedding because I will wear the ring every day for my entire life, whereas the wedding will be special because of the sentiment and the people involved, not because of the money behind it. That''s ok with J, so that''s fine for us, but maybe you guys will think differently. I think it''d be good to think about it if you haven''t already.