House guests - how do you deal when you feel different about it than you partner?

[CJ2008]

Date: 7/14/2008 8:38:34 PM
Author: Miranda

Date: 7/14/2008 8:09:55 PM
Author: fatafelice
Hmmmm...I really like the idea of a one night rule. SIL and BIL both live in-state (45 min. and 90 min., respectively), so that seems fair. They have kids, so I know they like to stay over so they can avoid travel time, but if we set a one night rule, it might work...and maybe a per month limit?

Miranda: Have you vocalized this one-night limit to your family, or do you and DH just try to finagle it that way?

And the story about the little terrors reminded me of what happened to us this past St. Patrick''s Day. In our town, there is always a parade, which is made into a big deal. DH said he would like people to be able to stop by before and after, sort of like an open-house. I said fine, since I figured it would just be our friends and family. Little did I know that BIL''s crazy friend would see me walking back from the parade, and invite himself to our house to use our restroom - with about 10 other random drunk people I had never met! Did I mention that our house is only 900 sq. feet?! And then they stayed and had a drink too! But the worst part was when SIL''s highschool friend came (with *her* friends) and all of their kids. Her son was *awful*, and that is saying a lot, because I really like kids and have a high tolerance for their hijinks. He had his hands on everything breakable he could find, threw several tantrums, and she wasn''t even paying attention! I had to follow him around and try to prevent disaster without coming off as a b*tch. I also watched in horor as her friend (who neither DH or I knew) changed her toddler''s diaper on my sofa, without asking, and without any sort of cloth beneath him. I have never in my life been so happy to see people leave my house.

Oh my goodness! You really do have it rough. Some people have NO manners whatsoever! I have one friend that wanted to go to the beach with her friend, who I had never met, and three kids between the two of them, and come to my house after to shower and wait for traffic to die down before heading home. Uh - How about NO! She didn''t stop and think about how much laundry and cleaning one shower would leave me with! Not to mention dinner etc.

So Miranda, how did you tell her? Can you tell me the exact words please, I am taking lessons!

And whatever it is that you said, did you say it on the spot or did you tell her you''d think about it and get back to her? And (sorry I''m a slow learner

) did your friend seem annoyed?

We''ve told his parents point blank one night is the limit without really giving a reason. They''re all passive aggressive in his family so I don''t think they''ll ever ask why.

I haven''t addressed it with my sister, but, I will if I have to. I can''t imagine any friends staying longer than that since most of them are within an hour anyway. And I just don''t know what to do about his SIL. They just cannot come. I. Will. Go. Insane.

 

[CJ2008]

fatafelice - seriously, that st. patricks story ALONE would have given me a heart attack. What happened when everybody left? Did you feel any anger toward your FI?

What happens to me sometimes is that although I realize he can''t CONTROL how other people act or what they do he, I get mad at him anyway. Not always, sometimes I grin and bear it and go with the flow (takes a LOT of energy for me) but other times I am boiling inside. It used to happens sometimes when we would go to big parties (not my favorite thing) and after like 2-3 hours of being at a party, I would be DONE and want to go home, and he was just getting started...minutes felt like hours once I hit that point.

 

[Miranda]

Date: 7/14/2008 8:53:40 PM
Author: claudinam

Date: 7/14/2008 8:38:34 PM
Author: Miranda

Date: 7/14/2008 8:09:55 PM
Author: fatafelice
Hmmmm...I really like the idea of a one night rule. SIL and BIL both live in-state (45 min. and 90 min., respectively), so that seems fair. They have kids, so I know they like to stay over so they can avoid travel time, but if we set a one night rule, it might work...and maybe a per month limit?

Miranda: Have you vocalized this one-night limit to your family, or do you and DH just try to finagle it that way?

And the story about the little terrors reminded me of what happened to us this past St. Patrick''s Day. In our town, there is always a parade, which is made into a big deal. DH said he would like people to be able to stop by before and after, sort of like an open-house. I said fine, since I figured it would just be our friends and family. Little did I know that BIL''s crazy friend would see me walking back from the parade, and invite himself to our house to use our restroom - with about 10 other random drunk people I had never met! Did I mention that our house is only 900 sq. feet?! And then they stayed and had a drink too! But the worst part was when SIL''s highschool friend came (with *her* friends) and all of their kids. Her son was *awful*, and that is saying a lot, because I really like kids and have a high tolerance for their hijinks. He had his hands on everything breakable he could find, threw several tantrums, and she wasn''t even paying attention! I had to follow him around and try to prevent disaster without coming off as a b*tch. I also watched in horor as her friend (who neither DH or I knew) changed her toddler''s diaper on my sofa, without asking, and without any sort of cloth beneath him. I have never in my life been so happy to see people leave my house.

Oh my goodness! You really do have it rough. Some people have NO manners whatsoever! I have one friend that wanted to go to the beach with her friend, who I had never met, and three kids between the two of them, and come to my house after to shower and wait for traffic to die down before heading home. Uh - How about NO! She didn''t stop and think about how much laundry and cleaning one shower would leave me with! Not to mention dinner etc.

So Miranda, how did you tell her? Can you tell me the exact words please, I am taking lessons!

And whatever it is that you said, did you say it on the spot or did you tell her you''d think about it and get back to her? And (sorry I''m a slow learner

) did your friend seem annoyed?

We''ve told his parents point blank one night is the limit without really giving a reason. They''re all passive aggressive in his family so I don''t think they''ll ever ask why.

I haven''t addressed it with my sister, but, I will if I have to. I can''t imagine any friends staying longer than that since most of them are within an hour anyway. And I just don''t know what to do about his SIL. They just cannot come. I. Will. Go. Insane.

Haha!

When she ''told'' me she had this brilliant idea I just said something to the effect of, "No, that really won''t work." Of course that was after a long, silent, horrified pause. I do have three of my own kids to take care of and she knows how crazy busy I am all of the time. She didn''t push it. She didn''t seem annoyed, but, she didn''t seem pleased either. She''s the type of person who concocts all of these plans without thinking them through. After my reaction and thinking about it for a while she probably realized it was a tad rude to ask.

 

[that_someone_special]

Well the bf and I are not living together yet, BUT IT DRIVES ME NUTS that people act like his place is a fricken hotel. They don''t even bother asking anymore and just assume it''s ok. In fact, it''s more along the lines of "we''re coming to the cities." which means "we''re coming to the cities, and we are staying with you".

He is too nice of a guy to do anything about it. When I move in with him (before 09) I told him that shit is going to change. NO MORE HOTEL. We are turning one of the bedrooms into an office with a FUTON (no extra beds crap) and the other smaller bedroom is being turned into the cat room (haha for a while! with 4 cats, that''s too many litter boxes to be having around the living areas!).

One of his friends actually told him to turn one of the bedrooms into a room for him when he comes to visit. He was serious. As in, keep a bedroom for this guy. HELL NO.

One other thing, is that we recently purchased a new couch. It was the most he has spent on a couch alone ($1500) and people think it''s just another sleeping space. This is going to change too. It is the best COUCH ever, not a damn bed. It doesnt need to be soaking up everyones sleeping oils and getting all gross because people he knows are too cheap to get a hotel.

Can you tell this is a SORE subject?

Last year... someone that he doesnt even know... stayed at his place for over two weeks. She was supposed to be there for ONE night.. and never left!! (she was related to his roomate) See, my guy OWNS his own place and has his roomates pay him. Most times they just say things like, "Oh So and so will be in town and is going to be staying here, but they''ll be in my room!" Like it''s ok. It''s HIS place, and they pay rent. They need to ask.

One time, one of these SO and Sos brought her two damn dogs with. THEY NEVER ASKED IF IT WAS OK!!!!!!

UGGGG! My guy is too nice.

 

[pennquaker09]

I''m a very hospitable person and I''m the type that would invite anyone to come stay. I don''t want to offend anyone, but I think it''s a cultural thing. Like, the African American side of my family is big on family gatherings and the white side of my family is too, but not as much as my mom''s family.

Whenever Nate''s parents have come to visit us, they stay with us, but when my dad and step mom come they always stay at a hotel. I asked my dad why they do that and he said it was because he wanted us to have our privacy. Conversely whenever we even bring up the idea of going down to visit, he insists that we stay with them.

We both have the same attitude towards guests. His family on the whole is more akin to my mom''s family.

 

[Skippy123]

My hubby is more likely to invite people to come stay with us. I do like to have people stay with us if they are good guest; I have had only one sort of bad one, but thank goodness that is rare.

I feel for you though.

Miranda, I can''t believe that kid was doing all those things and the parents didn''t care. I have a friend whose BIL came to stay with them and their BIL''s 2 yr old son and he was climbing on a glass coffee table and the BIL didn''t care. My friend worried the little boy would break the glass and hurt himself, eek.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 7/14/2008 9:04:57 PM
Author: Miranda
Haha!

When she ''told'' me she had this brilliant idea I just said something to the effect of, ''No, that really won''t work.'' Of course that was after a long, silent, horrified pause. I do have three of my own kids to take care of and she knows how crazy busy I am all of the time. She didn''t push it. She didn''t seem annoyed, but, she didn''t seem pleased either. She''s the type of person who concocts all of these plans without thinking them through. After my reaction and thinking about it for a while she probably realized it was a tad rude to ask.

Well, good for you. I hate being put on the spot like that...I usually go for the "yes, sure" and then regret it later.

I''m learning though...

 

[CJ2008]

TSS - sounds like you have NO problem at all speaking up for how you feel. That''s great...I don''t know what it is with me...probably a fear of being disliked...I really would like to get to the bottom of where that guilt stems from. I consider myself a pretty assertive person, and a very straightforward one...except in these matters. If I have to guess, it''s probably because all my life I''ve stood out as the less social one from all my friends...always a bit of a loner...it''s so much more "acceptable" to be social...

penn - I think the culture one has grown up around can definitely be an influence. But of course even within the same culture people differ. I''m spanish, and so is my DH...although not from the same countries.

skippy - I was surprised to hear that your husband is more likely to invite people to stay with you! Just from your posts, I know what an outgoing/friendly person you are so I thought you would be having people over all the time! But yes, when guests are nice and they are respectful I have enjoyed having them for a couple of days - I just start to get itchy for solitude by day 2-3.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 7/15/2008 6:26:31 PM
Author: claudinam

skippy - I was surprised to hear that your husband is more likely to invite people to stay with you! Just from your posts, I know what an outgoing/friendly person you are so I thought you would be having people over all the time! But yes, when guests are nice and they are respectful I have enjoyed having them for a couple of days - I just start to get itchy for solitude by day 2-3.

Caludinam, you are so sweet, honey!! Well, my hubby is from the South so I guess he was taught people can come on over anytime even without calling; which he does not put me in that situation now that we are married. hehe It doesn't bother me too much except when I am crazed and have other things going on then I am not up for that sort of thing and now he makes sure to ask me before hand. For me I like to be prepared when people come over (like the house is in order, we don't have other things going on, I have done grocery shopping, etc) so that is the difference between hubby and I. I really do wish my IL's would come out here more often; we are always going out there and I would love to show them around here. Sometimes we stay at a hotel (it is more me wanting breathing space) but sometimes we stay with them because they insist. I guess it is just finding that balance. Hoping you find it; sending you good vibes sweetie!

 

[that_someone_special]

Well, I am being a little passive about it, talking with the BF about it ONLY and not the actual people. Around them, I keep my mouth shut.

If I was a loudmouth in person like I am online.. Id either have a lot of enemies, or people would appreciate the honesty!

 

[CJ2008]

Skippy, I am so NOT sweet! haha I''m the same way as far as my house...and it''s always about finding a balance...within yourself, and then when you''re married, or in a relationship, with the needs/wants of the other person.

TSS - yes! if people knew half the things I said on here! haha