How and Why you decided to have more kids... or not.

[janinegirly]

I have two kids. They are ten months and just over three years.

Here is my facebook update from this morning:

"Fun times with two kids: Hunter did not go to sleep until 9pm, then Ryder woke at 1am, followed by Hunter ar 1:15 and they did not get back to sleep until 2am. Then at 5am Hunter woke and came into our bed, and Ryder woke at 5:15 and grumbled, cried, and fussed off an on until I gave in and got him at 6:15. Yes, I am losing my marbles. "

So, my only advice is think long and hard before you have another! It is a tonne of work. We will not be having any more

LOL, last time I remember you posting you were thinking of #3, nothing like 2 to make you rethink

We are also done with 2....for us it's age related, no way can we handle another into our 40's, plus college, plus the fact that we'd be outnumbered. It's knowing when not to push your luck .

 

[Dreamer_D]

I have two kids. They are ten months and just over three years.

Here is my facebook update from this morning:

"Fun times with two kids: Hunter did not go to sleep until 9pm, then Ryder woke at 1am, followed by Hunter ar 1:15 and they did not get back to sleep until 2am. Then at 5am Hunter woke and came into our bed, and Ryder woke at 5:15 and grumbled, cried, and fussed off an on until I gave in and got him at 6:15. Yes, I am losing my marbles. "

So, my only advice is think long and hard before you have another! It is a tonne of work. We will not be having any more

LOL, last time I remember you posting you were thinking of #3, nothing like 2 to make you rethink

We are also done with 2....for us it's age related, no way can we handle another into our 40's, plus college, plus the fact that we'd be outnumbered. It's knowing when not to push your luck .

Well it's not over until the fat lady sings... or the doctor snips as the case may be. I think we need to make the decision when we are blissfully happy as parents, not the the thick of the hardest part. But we are 34 so there is time to make the decision in termsof biology. But for now, we are sitting with the "done" decision. And it feels ok. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of sleep and abject slavery physically to our kids needs, and that feels good.

 

[Kunzite]

I have two kids. They are ten months and just over three years.

Here is my facebook update from this morning:

"Fun times with two kids: Hunter did not go to sleep until 9pm, then Ryder woke at 1am, followed by Hunter ar 1:15 and they did not get back to sleep until 2am. Then at 5am Hunter woke and came into our bed, and Ryder woke at 5:15 and grumbled, cried, and fussed off an on until I gave in and got him at 6:15. Yes, I am losing my marbles. "

So, my only advice is think long and hard before you have another! It is a tonne of work. We will not be having any more

Oh boy, that sounds like most of our nights now with one. I'm officially terrified

Thanks Haven, I'm so excited to see what these little guys look like. I'm crossing my fingers for twins in your future too

 

[Dreamer_D]

I have two kids. They are ten months and just over three years.

Here is my facebook update from this morning:

"Fun times with two kids: Hunter did not go to sleep until 9pm, then Ryder woke at 1am, followed by Hunter ar 1:15 and they did not get back to sleep until 2am. Then at 5am Hunter woke and came into our bed, and Ryder woke at 5:15 and grumbled, cried, and fussed off an on until I gave in and got him at 6:15. Yes, I am losing my marbles. "

So, my only advice is think long and hard before you have another! It is a tonne of work. We will not be having any more

Oh boy, that sounds like most of our nights now with one. I'm officially terrified

Thanks Haven, I'm so excited to see what these little guys look like. I'm crossing my fingers for twins in your future too

Kunzite I don't envy you! Twins the first time is aasier I bet because you don't know what to expect But you KNOW! If it is any consolation, and it should be, for me the new baby was just a sweet happy chubba of fun for the first 8 months or so, MUCH easier than the older child and he lit up my life. He is more challenging now, and the older one a little easier, but parenting newborns the second time is a snap. So maybe parenting two newborns will be two snaps And there is nothing better than seeing them interact. Those moments are all worth it.

 

[parrot tulips]

I wonder if some kids are simply easier than others, and how much that factors into the decision for parents to have more children (or not). My parents had a 3 year old, 1 year old, and a newborn at one point, but said all three of us were so easy, sometimes they'd actually forget we were around. On the flip side, my aunt said my cousin was so clingy and difficult, that despite her desperate desire for a little girl, she was one and done.

 

[bubbly1126]

Trust me... from reading everyone's responses, I am DEFINITELY thinking long and hard before having another.

Some days I am okay with Liam being the one and only. I'm definitely NOT prepared to share my time with him yet... and not quite sure if I ever will be.

The more I think about it, I truly feel as though my reasons for wanting another are purely silly and not necessarily in the best interest of our family. Maybe silly isn't the word... I don't know.... But while I really don't want Liam to be an only child because I don't want him to ever feel lonely, I don't think it's necessarily a good enough reason to have another.

Ugh. Can't you see how wishy washy I am about this? ...I guess I do just have to give it time.

 

[Dreamer_D]

You forget one key piece... while it seems impossible, you will love your second child JUST as much as you love your first And you will have a different but just as awesome relationship with him or her.

 

[KimberlyH]

While we may not be able to have another child both my husband and I would like to. Our reasons have nothing to do with our two year old daughter -- we both know first hand siblings are no guarantee of friendship or support -- we just love being parents and would like the opportunity toraise and love one more child (I'd actually have several more if not for my feelit of social responsibility our respective ages and his certainty that two children are plenty). Our life would certainly be easier with just one, and if we aren't able to have another we feel nothing short of amazed at he opportunity to raise our daughter.

 

[Laila619]

I wonder if some kids are simply easier than others, and how much that factors into the decision for parents to have more children (or not). My parents had a 3 year old, 1 year old, and a newborn at one point, but said all three of us were so easy, sometimes they'd actually forget we were around. On the flip side, my aunt said my cousin was so clingy and difficult, that despite her desperate desire for a little girl, she was one and done.

Yes, I really think that's it in a nutshell. We're really happy to be having two under two, but that is probably because our son is generally easy-going and a good sleeper. We might feel differently if he weren't.

 

[Kunzite]

I wonder if some kids are simply easier than others, and how much that factors into the decision for parents to have more children (or not). My parents had a 3 year old, 1 year old, and a newborn at one point, but said all three of us were so easy, sometimes they'd actually forget we were around. On the flip side, my aunt said my cousin was so clingy and difficult, that despite her desperate desire for a little girl, she was one and done.

Yes, I really think that's it in a nutshell. We're really happy to be having two under two, but that is probably because our son is generally easy-going and a good sleeper. We might feel differently if he weren't.

I don't know, we jumped in feet first for two under two, and I would never describe O as an easy child. 2 weeks of hospital bed rest, 2 failed epis leading to an unintended "natural" birth, 8 weeks of NICU, 8 weeks of colick, 2 rounds of mastitis, and just when it started to get easier the kid turned into a horrible sleeper and eater! We call him Jekyll and Hyde because he can have a serious meltdown out of nowhere! Giggling and laughing hysterically one minute and screaming bloody murder and kicking you the next without provocation! Without fail, every night when he's asleep in bed DH and I have the same conversation about how much we love the little guy and we're so lucky to have him. Every.single.night.

Every kid is different too. Sometimes I cling to the hope that surely, like Dreamer said, the next ones will be a breeze! Then my DH comes along and reminds me that they could also be a lot worse!! No way to know until they get here.

 

[tammy77]

I had to chime in because my 1st was a TOUGH baby - cried a lot, wouldn't take a feeding from anything other than breast even though I had to go back to full time when she was only 3-4 months old, needed to be held constantly or she'd fuss. Now she's seriously the most mellow (albeit sometimes broody) 9 year old I've ever met. My 2nd was the easiest baby! She slept well, didn't fuss when she had to have a bottle when away from me, cried very little and was generally a breeze. That little girl is now 7 years old and hell on wheels! So generally I think it all balances out in the end.

 

[Laila619]

I wonder if some kids are simply easier than others, and how much that factors into the decision for parents to have more children (or not). My parents had a 3 year old, 1 year old, and a newborn at one point, but said all three of us were so easy, sometimes they'd actually forget we were around. On the flip side, my aunt said my cousin was so clingy and difficult, that despite her desperate desire for a little girl, she was one and done.

Yes, I really think that's it in a nutshell. We're really happy to be having two under two, but that is probably because our son is generally easy-going and a good sleeper. We might feel differently if he weren't.

I don't know, we jumped in feet first for two under two, and I would never describe O as an easy child. 2 weeks of hospital bed rest, 2 failed epis leading to an unintended "natural" birth, 8 weeks of NICU, 8 weeks of colick, 2 rounds of mastitis, and just when it started to get easier the kid turned into a horrible sleeper and eater! We call him Jekyll and Hyde because he can have a serious meltdown out of nowhere! Giggling and laughing hysterically one minute and screaming bloody murder and kicking you the next without provocation! Without fail, every night when he's asleep in bed DH and I have the same conversation about how much we love the little guy and we're so lucky to have him. Every.single.night.

They sure have a way of melting your heart, don't they?

 

[Bliss]

IHA, it isn't always so simple, is it? Hugs!

As for us, we definitely want to have another baby. I'd love three but I am old and creaky (36) with a 15 month old so our window is closing fast. I never would have ever imagined being this old and contemplating having a baby but we definitely want at least two. The main reason is that we'd love for M to have a sibling. DH is an only child and it was very hard on him. He really hated it growing up and had a hard time recently when his father passed away. There is no one really to share memories with besides his mother and he feels that void very deeply. On the other hand, he has tons and tons of friends and cousins so maybe they became his surrogate sibs?

I have a sibling I love very very much and we are very close. I cannot imagine life without him. We talk about everything - from how to care for my mom once she gets old to how hard it is to understand how Justin Beiber is such a phenomenon...Ha! He is an amazing uncle and M adores him. We have gotten each other through good and bad times. I can tell him anything. I want this for M.

My dilemma is, I would love three babies! But gosh darn it, I am too old and have to accept that. Also, I am vain. To think that I have to get fat again makes me sigh!!! Argh!!!! It took a long time to get my body back (still not there yet) and to think that I have to get big again and go through the post-pregnancy fluffiness kind of makes me anxious! Being big while pregnant was a joy - being big after having a baby was the worst!!! It really was alarming to be so much bigger post-birth and it made me feel like I was having an out of body experience being so much larger. Next time, I will be mentally prepared for it! Ah, to be young! If I had done this in my twenties, I am sure it would have been a lot easier to bounce back - and faster, too! Creak...creaaaak! Argh. Why didn't we have kids sooner?!! Am kicking myself. Repeatedly! Kick kick kick!!!! Gah!!!!!

Once M weans, we are all systems go for #2. I wish very much that Aunt Flo would come back so we could TTC now!!! I am ready to get this show on the road - two and done! But I think my heart will always long for three...however, we are more than happy to call it a day with two precious ones. Since I have a girl, I am happy with whatever comes next. I'm sure that if I hadn't had a girl, I would DEFINTIELY have three or more kids until she came. It was my heart's desire and life's greatest wish to have a daughter. My mom and I are very very close and I hope for a relationship like this with my little M one day!!!!! We are so blessed to even be considering a second child when we already have one miracle.

ETA: Oh! And I forgot the best part of childhood with a sibling! Tents with flashlights complete with giggles at night! Vacations with a playmate - and fun games together on long car trips! My life was definitely enriched by having a brother because I wasn't such a girly girl. We were climbing trees together and pretending to be ninjas! He understands women better because of me, hopefully! I benefited from having a big brother look out for me. He benefited by gaining more responsibility watching over me and teaching me things. Our parents loved having two puppies instead of one tumbling about... It's also fun to see the different personalities emerge. We played together endlessly and later on, shared friends. Oh and we could laugh at our funny parents together! Still do! Ha ha!

 

[bubbly1126]

Bliss, Thanks so much for chiming in... you're certainly NOT old! I say if you have the second and still want the 3rd and can financially afford it, go for it!! And yes, tents with flashlights is the absolutely best! However, I wasn't close with my siblings and never played that with them... only my friends. Just goes to show that having another will not guarantee they will be close... eh, sigh.

DH and I have since talked more about this. We've decided not to decide... just yet. We'll revisit the issue in a year and see where we stand then. Liam will be a little over a year & 1/2 by then, so we'll see. We do both agree that anything more than 3 years apart is too much for our liking. 4 could be do-able but we'd prefer no more than 3.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

IHA-I think that you have time and definitely don't need to decide right now, so hopefully the decision will happen organically for you soon.

Bliss-you could totally have 3 you are so not creaky (or maybe the next go round you'll have twins and have the best of both worlds, 3 kids/2 pregnancies )

We definitely want more children, we just don't feel that our family is complete. We want to raise more children, want B to have siblings, and are willing to make the necessary financial/lifestyle sacrifices to do that; however, for us the decision is a little more complicated b/c it will likely involve another adoption process. Starting an adoption is a very intentional process with months of paperwork and large legal/adoption fees, plus the initial process of bonding with a newly adopted child (especially a toddler/preschooler) is a unique challenge.

We are not in a place financially or logistically to start that right now (we are both working and in school and we have only been a family for 9 months so we'd like for B to have a little more time on his own). If we got pregnant now that would be an unexpected blessing and we'd make it work, but for us to intentionally start another adoption the ideal timing would be to welcome another child/children into our family in the summer of 2014 when DH and I would both be done with school so we'd just be juggling work and parenting

B is 3 1/2 now and would be almost 6 then. We would have loved to have a 2-3 year gap between him and the next child, and that is still a slight possibility with that timing as we'd likely be adopting a 2-4 year old, but you never know...we know we want more children and as ideal as the scenario above would be, we would welcome a child/children whenever they are placed in our lives.

How and why we decided to have more kids is just simply that we want to and we don't feel like our family is complete

I think that you'll make the right decision for your family and will feel at peace about it when the time is right. I know that you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself re the timing, but it doesn't need to be by the time you are 30 and even if you feel it does, you still have time before then

 

[LALove]

Well, our DS just turned 3 this past February. 3 years ago we planned on TTC when DS turned 1. I wanted at least 2 kids. (DH is an only child and had a great childhood so can go either way.) I have a sister and 2 brothers and cannot imagine growing up without them or having them in my lives now. I'm 3 years younger than my oldest brother, 6 years older than my sister and 9 years older than my little brother. We're all extremely close now. But I thought it'd be nice for DS to have a playmate (sibling) closer in age and I wanted to be done by 35. I'm 34 now and another kid is at least 2 years away- IF we decide to have another at all. So, I won't be under 35 like I'd planned and DS will be at least 5 years older than his sibling. But I'm OK with that.

The reason we changed our minds and decided to wait (or possibly be done) is because DS is a H-A-N-D-F-U-L!!! He's an awesome, awesome little dude and of course we love him but it's been a rough 3 years. He didn't sleep through the night until he was 1.5 yrs old (that's getting up 3-10+ times a night - every. single. night. - for a year and a half straight!). He still doesn't sleep all night, every night and I doubt he will any time soon. As a toddler he's crazy active and always on the go, getting into everything. He's not the kind of kid who will sit and watch a cartoon or play by himself for any length of time. I literally never sit down or get a second to myself until he's in bed. It's tiring. I've been pretty much exhausted for 3 years. DH and I cannot imagine also having to care for a new baby at this point. But, we know things will calm down, down the road. So, we'll see how things go, and if it seems workable to expand our family at some point in the future, we will. If not, I'm not too worried about DS being an only child. He'll have cousins and friends to play with.

My advice is to leave the door open and see how you feel later on. Who says you have to decide right now?

 

[nfowife]

I think if in your heart you want another, the other stuff will fall into place. I truly feel that you will know when you are "done". I had my 3rd and knew while pregnant that I was DONE. I love having 3, it's hectic and I'm still in the hard phase with my youngest only 16m, but it is fun too and I love knowing that my kids will have each other as they grow up. My older 2 are less than 2 years apart and that was HARD. Didn't want to do that again so baby is 4 and almost 6 years younger than they are and it's great. My older 2 (girl and boy) are so close. They play together all the time for hours on end. They fight, sure, but they love each other and are each other's best friends.

I say go for it! You will have to make some sacrifices, sure, but that's life. We all have choices to make. I don't want to feel like I gave up the chance for another member of our family so that I could take a nicer vacation. But you need to figure out how it works out for you.

 

[swimmer]

We just weren't sure. Well, we were sure we weren't ready to go through the rollercoaster of TTC after over a year to get our DS.

Then the HPT was + and that was it.

Many daycare places give a discount for the second child, just something to think about.

 

[kat08]

That's definitely a tough decision! I was an only child and always knew for sure that I wanted two children, and I now have two girls 28 months apart. My girls are emotionally close for the most part and have a lot of fun together, although they also fight a TON. I think the fact that they're close has a lot to do with my interventions. I'm not hands off when it comes to that and try to help them communicate better and treat each other nicely (I saw with my mom's family how siblings can hold childhood grudges into adulthood!).

One things I've learned from my own experience is that so much of what's best depends on the particular child. My older daughter probably would have been happy as an only child. She makes friends very easily, and as long as I'd given her opportunities for that, she probably would have felt fulfilled (I was happiest myself growing up when I lived in a neighborhood with tons of children around). Most of my daughters' fighting stems from my older daughter's jealousy. And she feels jealous despite the fact that my husband and I always try very hard to keep things equal. Raising multiple children is not always easy!

I do have to say, though, that it's getting easier as my older daughter gets older (she's 7 now). My hope is that when both girls are adults, they will really value having each other. I know I always wished I could have had a sister to play with as a child and be friends with as an adult.

I'm glad I have two children and feel it was a good decision. I can't imagine not having my younger daughter! But I also think that if I'd had just had one child, my older daughter would have been fine.

Finances are an important consideration, too. Pinching pennies can cause stress for the whole family (when my girls were little, we worried a lot about money while I wasn't working or working just a little, and that was hard!). There's something to be said for being an only child and having all the resources! I was spoiled.

Hope you find the right answer for you and your family!

 

[bubbly1126]

Thanks everyone! I have enjoyed reading your responses. We're still not deciding at this moment. Although, I'm finding more and more as the days pass that we always say things like well "if we do have a second child..." where as just a month ago, we'd always say things like "well, since Liam is going to be an only child..." So at this present time I'm thinking we KNOW we want another but just have decided NOT to decide right now. If that any makes any sense.

I know the right answer will come to us and we'll make the best decision for our family. No matter what though, I do have the best kid I could have ever asked for... only child or not.

 

[pennquaker09]

At this point it kind of comes down to me thinking like you, that our family isn't, "complete."

We have two 3 year olds (will be 4 next week) and a 10 month old. There will definitely not be another one for a while. I thinking at least 3 years. Quite frankly, I'd like a little rest before I consider adding another baby to the mix. Charlie (the baby) is starting to be mobile and he is keeping me on the run.

And, I spoke of the twins birthday next week, the girl has decided she wants a horse. That's foreshadowing right there. She's going to be an expensive kid. (For the record, there will be no horse. Stuffed maybe, but not live. Umm, no.)

I will say that I thoroughly enjoy being a dad. It is the best choice that I ever made. Life has way more meaning for me. But, I'm 27 and there are a few things I want to do before the hubs and I have another one. I really want to start my Ph.D.

 

[Jennifer W]

Ah, but the horse is your insurance policy against the worst early teenage relationship angst, Pennquaker! I had a horse when I was a kid, and along with all my peers, I was immune to the whole dating thing. Far too busy with show jumping, pony club and polishing tack. I reckon it bought my parents an extra 3 - 4 years of not having to wonder where the heck I was (I was at the stables).

My kid could ride a horse before she could walk...

 

[rosetta]

It's a really tough one.

I'm 40 this year and DD turns 3 in a couple of months. I'd always said IF we decided to have a second I would have at least a 5 year gap so still not at that point yet.

Pros:
- I'm terrified of something happening to DD.
- Both DH and I are 1/4 siblings so we only really know about big families.
- I want her to feel that she can go anywhere and do anything without feeling guilty about us - I moved to Italy for 8 years and only saw my parents for a few weeks a year, I didn't worry as they had another 3 kids to keep them busy, would DD feel this kind of freedom.
- When we are gone she won't have anyone to play 'do you remember' with.
- our siblings all have or plan to have multiple offspring - will she be jealous of her cousins?
- I reckon we had a pretty great kid and I'd be interested to see what another would look like and be like.
- I don't have the overwhelming feeling that I'm done.

Cons:
- we live in London which is very expensive. To get a 3 bedroom flat rather than our current 2 bedroom we would need to pretty much double our current budget which is not on the cards.
- schools in the area are dire especially at secondary level. To live in an area with good public schools we would need to pay well over £1million GBP for a house. So we are looking at private schools options from either 7 or 11 onwards and hoping she will win a place - even then it will cost $24k a year. We could do this for one but not for two.
- living in London there isn't such a need for siblings as there are lots of things to do and loads of other only kids around.
- we have no relatives nearby so all childcare has to be paid for and that is $$$$.
- I hated being pregnant and very nearly died having DD - my chances of something going wrong again are high. DH has PTSD as a result of the trauma surrounding the birth and is petrified I wouldn't survive if we had a second.
- At my age the chances of chromosomal abnormalities go up significantly. We would have extensive testing and we would terminate for chromosomal abnormalities but it is still a big consideration.
- DD is not an easy child and I have had months of tearing my hair out and constant migraines. I am potentially Too Old For This Shit (TM - TGal).

I love tiny newborns, but it's a bit like puppies - you get a couple of weeks of cute sleepy bundles and then a lot of month of PITA young dog who needs endless training and supervision... do I have the strength to do it again???

The problem is that if we won the lottery and could have the big house and afford great childcare and great schools without even thinking about it then I would almost certainly opt to have another - so... does that mean I'd regret not having a second? It's a real internal dilemma for me and I go back and forth on it all the time.

Pandora, a lot of what you said resonates with me. I'm turning 32 this year and we haven't started trying for a baby yet. I think I'll wait until I'm over 35 (advanced maternal age, but the women in my family have had babies into their 40s including my grandmother, so I'm hoping for the good genes!) but delaying mostly because I'm terrified we don't have a house yet, and are still building our nest egg.

I'm most concerned about the cost of bringing a child (or more) up in London. I would have to take a big pay cut to go part time, we would definitely want private schooling 11+ and have to buy a house well over £1 mill to reach the best state primary schools in our area (saving hard for that deposit still). And you know how expensive good child care is around here. My parents don't live here, so I can't call on my mum to help out.

Even with our salaries, I think we could only comfortably bring up one child the way we want to. My parents sacrificed everything for us (they didnt take a holiday for 20 years, never bought a new car etc) But then I feel guilty about not providing siblings for him/her. Gah!

I don't even have one kid yet, and I can't sleep nights worrying about how we will pay for the best, esp in terms of education. I know I'll be heartbroken if we can't provide (and I'm not taking expensive clothes, toys etc here).

Oh dear.

 

[rosetta]

Okay, little man just went to sleep...

I apologize b/c I am far too lazy to go back and reply to everyone individually.

Everyone has extremely valid points for having more children... and extremely valid points for not. Some of the things said have given me even more to think about.

I think my major issue is my self imposed time constraint. I think I need to just let it be and whatever happens, will happen. But I also feel so strongly about timing and everything. I know having my children close together won't necessarily be a promise that they will be close but I still don't want them too far apart. Ugh. I don't know.

My DH can go either way. There are times where he says he would be completely happy with just Liam. That we got the perfect baby the first time around, why have another? And then it seems like 5 minutes later he will be like oh my goodness, we can't have just one! I don't think he is entirely sure as to what he wants.... and I guess, neither am I.

I see both sides of the coin here. It's so tough.

I'm not sure if this will ease your mind a bit, but my sisters are 5, 6, and 9 years younger than I am, and we are all very close. Crazy close. As in, we created our own language and we still use it to this day. Much to the dismay of our SOs. If you decide you want another child, and the timing doesn't work out perfectly, I think you will still be a-okay.

On the flip side, my sibs and I are only 2 years apart from each other, and all within 5 years. We don't even talk to each other, complete personality clash. So I don't really think spacing is that much of a factor.

 

[Pandora II]

Pandora, a lot of what you said resonates with me. I'm turning 32 this year and we haven't started trying for a baby yet. I think I'll wait until I'm over 35 (advanced maternal age, but the women in my family have had babies into their 40s including my grandmother, so I'm hoping for the good genes!) but delaying mostly because I'm terrified we don't have a house yet, and are still building our nest egg.

I'm most concerned about the cost of bringing a child (or more) up in London. I would have to take a big pay cut to go part time, we would definitely want private schooling 11+ and have to buy a house well over £1 mill to reach the best state primary schools in our area (saving hard for that deposit still). And you know how expensive good child care is around here. My parents don't live here, so I can't call on my mum to help out.

Even with our salaries, I think we could only comfortably bring up one child the way we want to. My parents sacrificed everything for us (they didnt take a holiday for 20 years, never bought a new car etc) But then I feel guilty about not providing siblings for him/her. Gah!

I don't even have one kid yet, and I can't sleep nights worrying about how we will pay for the best, esp in terms of education. I know I'll be heartbroken if we can't provide (and I'm not taking expensive clothes, toys etc here).

Oh dear.

It is so expensive here - even for 2 you only get a 10% discount on nursery fees.

We live a pretty inexpensive area for London - especially considering that I am looking at the River Thames right now - but even here 3 bedrooms is around £700k GBP + which really is not an option. It makes me really angry when I think of how many people I know who get 3 or 4 bedroom houses through the council and yet because we work we don't qualify and we are effectively paying for them to have a bigger house and more children than we could even dream of!

It can be worth living in an area with crap primary schools IF you have a very bright child and are looking at selective private schools at 11+. They do take it into consideration. We will start tutoring from when DD turns 7, unless we decide to take her out of the state system earlier in which case we start when she turns 5 as she'll only be 6 when she sits the entrance exams. I know lots of parents whose DCs are at great state primaries and they are also tutoring like crazy.

Fortunately, DD is extremely bright and if she continues to progress in the same way, getting a place at somewhere like SPGS or CLSG should be well within her capabilities. CLSG has an excellent bursary scheme - if you have less than £50k disposable income after tax, mortgage and a few other things then you will potentially qualify for one and they are up to 100%.

I would take a look at the schemes that the selectives (I presume you will be aiming at those) in London have - or check out the Grammar Schools.

Despite my father being a doctor, my parents had second-hand cars, other than school uniform we only had hand-me-down clothes from my cousins and they didn't go on holiday (apart from Cornwall because my grandmother has a house there) for 20 years - but we went to the best prep-school in the county and all won places at grammar schools. They did choose to have 4 kids though. I'll make big sacrifices - I doubt a car or exotic holidays will be on the table - but I don't want to live in abject poverty to pay the school fees and having 2 kids could mean that.

 

[rosetta]

Thanks for your tips re schools Pandora. Got no idea how bright our kids will be, but the both of us are fairly intellegent so maybe they'll get a fair shot. You never know!

That paltry discount on nursery fees for a second child is further disheartening.

God, how will we support our ageing population if even high earners have to scrimp for an extra child?

Oh yeah. I forgot.

TAXES

 

[bubbly1126]

I'm bumping this because I'm back at it again.

Geez. What is wrong with me??? Liam will be turning a year next month... about the time we had originally planned to start trying again. I am so torn on having another. I've talked to my mom who currently takes care of Liam during the day and she said she would watch our 2nd baby as long as her health permitted her to and then also said she planned to care for her grandchildren at least until she is 60. She'll be turning 58 this year. So if all goes as planned, I'd have to find daycare for a 3 year old and a one year old? I know rates drop as they get older but still, am I willing to take the gamble that she will eventually just not be watching them? I know even now I'm taking a gamble with Liam b/c she could tell me at any point that she can't watch him anymore but thinking about that happening with 2 kids, kinda makes my stomach turn.

I am so so worried about the future that it's clouding my decision about what I want TODAY.

I know I want a sibling for Liam. That's a given. But I'm also terrified of what life will be like with 2. Can anyone chime in here and tell me it isn't so bad? I know I'm freaking over nothing and absolutely overthinking everything. I just can't seem to decide what the right choice is. And I know the longer I wait, the more it solidifies that we're not having another. I don't want a huge age gap between them. It's just not an option. So either we're trying for another within the next year or not having another at all.

Ahh. I don't know. I just don't. And neither does DH. Why are we so scared about a second yet want one at the same time??

 

[Puppmom]

IHA, I don't know what life is like with 2 little ones yet but wanted to chime in re: childcare.

Many people I know have in-laws as their primary childcare but you should always make sure that you can afford daycare as a Plan B. Sounds like you're already thinking about that but it really is the reality when you have a single person watch your children. My best friend is scrambling to find childcare at the moment for her 14 month old son because her relatively healthy 62 year old MIL just had a stroke.

My MIL watches DS but only 2 days a week and it's really for her own enjoyment. She would do more if we let her! She watched him full time the first 15 months and was hospitalized with colitis for over a week once. That was all the reality check we needed!

We decided to have another under the assumption that we'll be paying for full time childcare. We'll take MIL's lead. If she wants to watch one or both of the kids, then I'm in but we're otherwise prepared.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I'm bumping this because I'm back at it again.

Geez. What is wrong with me??? Liam will be turning a year next month... about the time we had originally planned to start trying again. I am so torn on having another. I've talked to my mom who currently takes care of Liam during the day and she said she would watch our 2nd baby as long as her health permitted her to and then also said she planned to care for her grandchildren at least until she is 60. She'll be turning 58 this year. So if all goes as planned, I'd have to find daycare for a 3 year old and a one year old? I know rates drop as they get older but still, am I willing to take the gamble that she will eventually just not be watching them? I know even now I'm taking a gamble with Liam b/c she could tell me at any point that she can't watch him anymore but thinking about that happening with 2 kids, kinda makes my stomach turn.

I am so so worried about the future that it's clouding my decision about what I want TODAY.

I know I want a sibling for Liam. That's a given. But I'm also terrified of what life will be like with 2. Can anyone chime in here and tell me it isn't so bad? I know I'm freaking over nothing and absolutely overthinking everything. I just can't seem to decide what the right choice is. And I know the longer I wait, the more it solidifies that we're not having another. I don't want a huge age gap between them. It's just not an option. So either we're trying for another within the next year or not having another at all.

Ahh. I don't know. I just don't. And neither does DH. Why are we so scared about a second yet want one at the same time??

Mine are 2 and 4 and I feel like they're now at an age where things have gotten better. It can be really, really hard- especially feeling torn emotionally btwn the two of them, nevermind physically torn (what the heck am I supposed to do when both kids are hanging onto my legs looking for attention??). We've dealt with a lot of jealousy on both kids' parts and now some physical aggressiveness from then younger (boy) to the older (girl). BUT, when they're not fighting (!), they are inseparable. It's really cute. My daughter is less interested, but my son is very into her- she's the first person he looks for when he wakes up. They can go upstairs on their own and sit and play for awhile, though silence is a sure indicator someone is getting up to no good. After my first, who was adopted, I thought I didn't want a second. When I found out I was pregnant, i was really upset for a long time, and now I can't imagine my life without them both. I know it's no guarantee that they will remain close or get along for the rest of their lives, but for now, they are enjoying each other.

 

[Dreamer_D]

My kids are 1 and 3.5 now.

It has gotten a lot better. The first year was ROUGH. But sleep is better, and the kids get along better, and they are in better developmental stages. And they are both in daycare, which is easier for me.

But daycare costs are making us "daycare poor" I have had to do a SERIOUS tracking of every penny we spend, and we have had to really really cut back on all our entertainment. God life would be easier with one kid! We would not change things, our second son made our family feel like a family, not us and a kid. If that makes sense. But we won't be having a third. Unless we win the lottery.