How do u know you are ready?

[LoveRoundBrillants]

This might seem silly...or the answer is "you just know"...but some of you Ladies who are already engaged/married (been there done that), or even you LIW who know you are ready...How did u know?

SO and I have been together for a loooong time. I get really excited thinking about the proposal, the ring, the wedding, etc. But then sometimes I get scared...we are both young and so many ppl tell us not to get married young. I personally dont think we are THAT young...Im 24, hell be 25 in Feb. Which means by the time we would actually get married Id be 25 and hed be 26. Just a thought...let me know what you ladies think...?

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 12/15/2008 11:54:49 AM
Author:LoveRoundBrillants
This might seem silly...or the answer is 'you just know'...but some of you Ladies who are already engaged/married (been there done that), or even you LIW who know you are ready...How did u know?


SO and I have been together for a loooong time. I get really excited thinking about the proposal, the ring, the wedding, etc. But then sometimes I get scared...we are both young and so many ppl tell us not to get married young. I personally dont think we are THAT young...Im 24, hell be 25 in Feb. Which means by the time we would actually get married Id be 25 and hed be 26. Just a thought...let me know what you ladies think...?

Hi LoveRoundBrilliants - i love rounds as well! hehehe. Well, I don't think there is an easy answer for you. I think sometimes when you meet the right person, age becomes irrelevant... but in other cases, other aspects of one's life also need to fall in place (e.g. have a good job, be financially secure, be independent and know how to live on your own) in order to make a marriage easier. Not to say it can't work otherwise - it certainly can - but when you don't have to worry about finances or not knowing how to take care of a house, it causes less strain on the marriage. Sometimes living with a person before you get married helps 'prep' you up in those domains, but it's not for everyone. I don't think 25/26 is young, but then again it differs across cultures and countries. Where I am from, Toronto, Canada (a big metropolitan city) most people get married in their 30's because, well, they are still trying to finish their education and get jobs etc... But I know my cousin, who is religious, got married at 19! So really, people from different backgrounds will give you a different perspective to that question re. if you are too young.

I think when you know - you just know and there is not much doubt that you are ready. If you find yourself questioning it a lot, maybe you should just wait a bit and see! If he is mr. perfect he will stick around forever anyway, so there is no need to rush in to this decision.

 

[*Danielle*]

That choice is only defined by the couple. If you feel ready and he feels ready and you have your own plan, etc, then you will know.

 

[musey]

Date: 12/15/2008 11:54:49 AM
Author:LoveRoundBrillants
This might seem silly...or the answer is 'you just know'...but some of you Ladies who are already engaged/married (been there done that), or even you LIW who know you are ready...How did u know?

I have always hated "you just know." It's way too vague and nebulous--it means nothing, really.

For what it's worth, I didn't "just know." Well, I "just knew" when we met that this was a particularly special relationship, one I hadn't found before and knew I wasn't likely to find again. But I never had some moment of epiphany where I realized that my husband is "the one." It was a combination of feeling ready, both as an individual and within the relationship, to take the plunge into marriage, and knowing (based on experience together) that we could handle that commitment as a couple. Oh, and that we loved each other a whole lot, too

I think having an "I know" moment is dependent on your personality, too. I didn't have it for any wedding stuff that they always say you do--the ring(s), the dress, the venue... any of it. Come to think of it, I've never had a "this is it" moment in my whole life. Maybe I'm just not capable!

Sometimes I'm hesitant to say this (because people think it gives them license to say "you don't believe in it because you haven't found it"--ugh), but I don't believe there's one exactly right person for everyone. Or if there is, I don't believe that most people actually find that "one," even if they think they have. Maybe that colors my view on "you just know."

SO and I have been together for a loooong time. I get really excited thinking about the proposal, the ring, the wedding, etc. But then sometimes I get scared...we are both young and so many ppl tell us not to get married young. I personally dont think we are THAT young...Im 24, hell be 25 in Feb. Which means by the time we would actually get married Id be 25 and hed be 26. Just a thought...let me know what you ladies think...?

It is not all that young, but that's a subjective term. If it feels "young" to you, then maybe that's your mind telling you that you're not ready (for whatever reason). If you're just second guessing because other people keep hammering you with "But you're so young!" (as a 22/23-year-old bride, I got this a lot), then it's only natural it might get in your head a little. Just remind yourself that you need to listen to the opinions that matter (yours, those you respect in this area) and not the ones that don't.

 

[trillionaire]

I think there are a lot of rubrics for ''ready''. It could be that you are financially ready (ie, you can pay for your wedding/honeymoon, you have money in savings, you can afford to consolidate your lives, etc.) It could be that you are emotionally ready (ie, you are able to communicate effectively, you can put someone else''s needs before you own willingly, you treat each other with love, kindness and respect). You could be ready socially (ie, you have similiar dreams and goals and support each other in them, you are at the age where your family/peer group thinks it''s time to marry, you have been with your SO long enough to know that ''this is it'')

It could be any or all of those things, or you could be one of those people who thinks that they will never be ready, until they do it. Or maybe something else. For me, I can see my long term future with this man, and us being happy. He pushes me, and makes me want better things for myself, and for us. He motivates me in ways that my friends and family can''t, and I am happiest when we are together. He''s my best friend. We''ve known each other for 8+ years. I would really like to be engaged, even though we have been dating for 5.25 yrs and I could wait to get married. I don''t really feel a rush to get married, and since we aren''t having kids, and we could spend more time reaching some personal and financial goals, but I think that it would offer a level of comfort for ourselves and our families to make that initial step to get engaged.

It''s different for every person

 

[fieryred33143]

Honestly, I just waited until it hit me.

We took our relationship veeerrrryyyy sllllooooowwww. LOL

After about 5.5 years of being together, I realized that it was time to take that step. It took him a little while longer to get there too. Now that we''re engaged, it''s taking me a while to get into the whole being married part. I know that''s weird but I see it as this is the next chapter of our lives and eventually we''ll move into the actually being married chapter.

But let me tell you...when its time, its time and there''s no mistaking that feeling LOL

 

[Dreamgirl]

For me- a part of me feels ready and the other part of me wonders when do you really feel ready? I honestly think that I won''t be "ready ready" until I''m walking down the isle. That''s just me though. On the other hand, I knew very quickly that this was the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I do get thoughts of really wanting to be married to him and knowing that I want to be married to him. We are both 27 and have been together for 10 years now. I used to always get that from people "aww, she''s too young to get married!" even from my own Mother. But now people always ask me "so, when are you getting married?" My Mom on the other hand thinks that I''m not ready. But that''s probably because I am the baby of the family...

I think for FF and I, we are now just trying to be financially set. I just got a great job in my career and he is currently searching for one himself. I think after he is settled into his career, then he will probably ask me to marry him. And I will say yes! I''ll be scared though because I don''t want to fail at anything in life. I have very high standards of how my life should go. I''m also very close to my family so it will be incredibly hard for me to leave them. I know it''s what I''ve got to do though so I have to try to look at the positives.....

 

[bee*]

For me it was important that D and I had enough money to support ourselves and that we knew where we were going on the jobs front. We were together over 8 years by the time we got engaged but it was the perfect time for us as we both have enough to pay for the wedding and to set up home.

 

[Dreamgirl]

That is very much like S and I bee...

 

[princesss]

I''m not married or engaged, but when I think about it, this is always what pops into my head:

I know I''ll be ready when I''m more excited by the promise than the ring, and more excited about the marriage than the wedding. I''ll know I''m ready when I can''t stand another second NOT being his wife. I''ll know I''m ready when it doesn''t seem so scary to merge our goals a little, instead of each of us working towards our own.

Right now when I think about our timeline, I balk. "Holy cow, we only gave ourselves 3 years after graduation to be ready for this? I''ll never be ready!" But I know eventually it''ll happen. And right now, I''m just looking forward to that. (Well, that...and the bling, lol.)

 

[Haven]

I feel similar to fiery. DH and I took our relationship relatively slowly, but it just felt right to us.

This is how I always approached relationships:
- After our first date, I decided whether I wanted to give this person another few hours of my time.
- After a month of dates, I decided whether they were worth another month.
- After three months, did I want to end up spending six months dating this person? Did they contribute that much to my life that I was willing to give them six months of it?
- After six months, are they worth a year?
- After one year, do I want to go for two? Have I been a better person for dating this person for a year?
- Et cetera, et cetera.

I never liked to get ahead of myself, so that kept things going at a nice pace without a lot of pressure.

I knew that my DH was the one I wanted to be with when my internal answer to the above questions was consistently "OF COURSE!" rather than, "yeah, I''ll give it a shot."

And he just feels like home to me. It feels natural and right and given that he is my significant other. It is easy to be with him, and I feel like I am the best version of myself with him in my life. Oh gosh, I did not mean to be so cheesy. But it''s true.

I don''t think you''re young for marriage, LoveRoundBrilliants, and I don''t think it''s a bad thing to question. If there is any nagging doubts about your SO, then that would be a red flag, but otherwise, take your time and see how it feels.

 

[CNOS128]

Kind of similar to Haven...

Actually, after the first time we met, I considered whether I wanted to go on a "real date." After our first date I didn''t think he liked me that much, but he called me (and I had recently been told by someone I very much respect that unless you affirmatively don''t like someone, you should go out with them at least twice - in other words, give him a chance. especially because i tend to be very hard on people. and myself. but i digress..).

After a couple of dates, I thought about whether I wanted to make time for this person (I was working probably 14 hours a day teaching and then tutoring at night).

Blah blah blah -- then we got to a point where we were seeing each other 3 or 4 times a week, and speaking every night. One night, he didn''t call, and I couldn''t get through to him (he''d had a family emergency). I really missed our nightly conversation and was not simply sad that he hadn''t called, but worried that something had happened. That was the beginning of the end!

I thought a lot about whether I could live with him, what kind of father he might be, if our families would get along, and other things that were important to me. Generally, it doesn''t take me long to know when I''m not happy with someone, which is something I never felt about him. For me, personally, that speaks volumes.
I had several moments where it just struck me that I was in love with him and didn''t want to have to live without him (I still have moments like that), which was a completely novel feeling to me.

He tells me now that he knew really early on that he would marry me, but he was just waiting for me to come to that conclusion on my own. I''m glad he let me do it at my own pace!

 

[Nocturnius]

I think you just kind of know when those remarks don''t concern you anymore.

We got a lot of that "you''re too young!" And we postponed the plans for a little bit... but then one day we were talking and we realized... we didn''t really care what everyone else thought. So we announced our engagement to our parents - the people who REALLY mattered - and they were completely supportive.

 

[Pandora II]

I knew I'd marry my husband the day we met - it was the strangest feeling, before I'd even known him an hour I had decided I would stay in the UK and move to London (having spent months planning on going back to Italy where I had been living for 8 years prior to getting very ill).

When we met, I was waiting for major spinal surgery, was living with my parents at the age of 32, had no job, no money - nothing...

He was fantastic about my surgery - took a 4 hour round trip every day to come and see me, even when I was so out of it on morphine I hardly knew he was there. The other women on the ward couldn't believe we'd only know each other 3 months.

I moved in when I left hospital, we got engaged two years later by which time I had a good job, we had bought a house, and had all our ducks in a row. We were married this July after a 19 month engagement and I'm now 4.5 months pregnant.

I can honestly say that I have never had a moments doubt about whether he was the right man or about marriage to him (having a baby is a whole other ball game - truly terrified there!)

Perhaps being in our 30's, having dated a lot of frogs, having been independant for many years and being financially solvent and homeowners made things easier - I don't know.

Amongst my friends, getting married before 30 would be seen as VERY young, but that's partly because in London people are too busy with their careers and trying to get on the housing ladder to think about marriage before then. We all tend to live together before marriage anyway so not a lot really changes.

 

[mayachel]

I feel like I''ve been "ready" so many different times, in different ways. We''ve been dating for just over 3 years, 7 months...after knowing one another for about 12 years. (I''m 27 he''s 2. Funnily enough, I knew I was ready the morning of our engagement. I had a dream that night, that I was contacted through an arranged marriage website, that they had found a match for me. I thought it strange, but they argued that since what I wanted was to be married and start a family, and that my boyfriend had not yet gotten on board, I ought to consider it. So initially I agreed. As the day wore on in the dream, I realized that I was less concerned with being married, then I was with being with the man I loved, and felt confident that even if he wasn''t ready to be married, it was he who I wanted to be with...

I woke, laughing at it all and feeling very calm. Only, when I told my boyfriend, he got upset that I was considering it in the dream. I reminded him that he should take away from it that I decided I loved HIM more than wanting to get married...later on, after the proposal, he said he was worried about the dream because he didn''t want me to think that he had been pressured into it because of the dream, as he had been planning it for a couple of weeks.

 

[princess_natalie]

Date: 12/15/2008 12:07:12 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
Where I am from, Toronto, Canada (a big metropolitan city)

Totally off topic - but I''m from Toronto too!!!!!!!!

 

[gryffindor]

I think I knew he was the guy I wanted to marry two years into the relationship when I learned I would be moving 800 miles from him to pursue a 3 years in grad school making us long distance. It took him another two years during which we were long distance to figure out that I was the one he wanted to marry. As soon as he confirmed that he wanted to be with me (we had been together 4 years at this point), I had notions of "Am I really making the right decision here?" But I evaluated how I felt about him and the whole situation over the following few weeks, and all I started to think and feel was "when will I finally get to move in with him as his wife?" That was when I knew I was ready.

Of course, finding Pricescope taught me there is more to an e-ring than I thought, so this is adding about 6 more months of delay in getting engaged.

 

[Still_Waiting]

I came across this article today and immediately thought of this question I''d seen on here. It''s a little bit of a no-brainer, but reading through it did force me to stop and think about one of the questions (the money one-we don''t share money even though we live together so know very little about each other''s financial situation. I''m not sure why we haven''t talked about it...)

Six things to ask yourself before getting married