How important is sexual fidelity to you?

[MMtwo]

Awe @Jambalaya I am so happy this helped you!
My husband and I met in 2013. I remember leaving my cell at his house accidently (I lived about 1/2 hour away) and him chasing me down to give it to me before I got home. I remember him being kind but not pushy or creepy with my kids - late teens then, who had also been through hell. He showed up when he said he would. He did the things he said he would, without fail. After all I had been through, I needed to see that consistency. In time came the trust he deserves now. You can set a clock by that man. Anyhow, we got engaged in 2016. We're still so happy we did marry. We chuckle about this about once a week...like dang, we lucked out!

All he wanted was a woman who would love him as he deserves to be loved, which I try to do every day and he returns it. There ARE men like this out there. He always just wanted to have his own family, which is so sweet. He restored my faith in mankind men.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@Jambalaya, sorry if my post was insensitive. I just get fired up about luck, it’s my own issue I guess.

 

[yssie]

I’ve been in relationships where I legitimately didn’t care. That’s not where I am right now, right now with this man I would care a lot, but… Maybe that’ll change one day. I don’t see expect that to happen but I won’t need smelling salts if it does.

I don’t believe there’s any one #RightWay. I know too many people who are living happy and fulfilled lives espousing philosophies that wouldn’t work for me. And I recognize that I’m not a constant entity either - maybe something that’s anathema to me now will be exactly what I want in ten years.

So I don’t know how to answer, actually. For me, right now, with this man, it matters a lot. But for me at a different time with this man, or at this time with another man… Maybe not? I couldn’t say.

One thing I can say is that when this *is* important to me it’s really f***ing important to me!! Zero tolerance sort of important.

@Jambalaya You’re such an intelligent, kind, and forthright person. You must be wonderful company in-person. I’m so sorry relationships have been such a challenge for you. You deserve happiness that doesn’t involve compromising on the things that are really important to you and I hope the right person crosses your path soon

 

[mom2dolls]

For me, infidelity is an absolute deal breaker. There would be no going back if he was sexual with another person.
We will be married 10 years this May, have put a ton of work into our relationship to get to where we are now.We want to like each other when someday soon our daughters leave the nest and we are empty nesters.
My husband is my best friend, my lover, my biggest cheerleader. He knows everything about me, knew me in my 20's when I was crazy party girl with no regard for anyone and he chose to marry me anyway after my first marriage failed and I had two little girls he loved and loves as his own.
If that was disrespected, I could not forgive. I would rather be alone.

 

[TooPatient]

Openness would be critical. If all else was bliss and wonderful so it was "just" sexual fidelity, then I could *maybe* try to understand and be okay. Doubtful, but to have it kept secret would be a complete betrayal of trust and so much more. It is also an opening for STDs that should not be one spouse's decision to bring in.

 

[Elizabeth35]

Sexual and emotional fidelity is imperative for me.
I dealt with infidelity in my first marriage and am not interested In a partnership with a cheater. Remember, to be a cheater, you are also a liar Who is sneaking around and hiding things from your partner.

You are risking STD’s and pregnancy. You are lying to your spouse to sleep with the type of person who has affairs with married people. Yes, that is judgmental.

In my experience, most people who cheat have already checked out of the marriage. Usually it is not just “having some sexual fun”. It has an emotional component.

I could not consider my needs in a marriage met if my spouse was lying, cheating and hiding things from me, along with being emotionally close to someone behind my back.

But- that’s me. Some people are okay with a more open relationship and that works for them.

 

[Lookinagain]

Remember, to be a cheater, you are also a liar Who is sneaking around and hiding things from your partner.

Exactly. The only way infidelity should be okay is if it is something agreed upon before marriage and no lying is necessary. I couldn't do that, but apparently some can. Thinking that infidelity is okay as long as you don't know generally doesn't work, because sooner or later you will figure it out. When they say that they are at work, or a friends house or somewhere else to cover the infidelity means that they are lying. When you call because they are late and they don't answer, because they are with another person behind your back, and you're worried that they may have had an accident, that's not okay. And in my experience, one lie leads to another and once you find out they are lying, the trust is gone.

 

[LilAlex]

Answer: very

If it isn't, then you're really not in a relationship. You're in something -- but not a relationship. Commitment defines an adult relationship. I guess I should expand that to "a mutual understanding of what a commitment entails."

I totally understand the "pull" to be unfaithful. I also understand the pull to rob banks and buy credit card numbers on the dark web and snort coke and smoke meth. I'm sure they all feel great but they are not for us.

 

[GeliL]

To me it's not really about sexual or emotional infidelity itself, it's more about a breach of trust. I don't really think those who constantly get sexual gratification elsewhere while lying to the other partner is going to be an amazing fulfilling partner to begin with. I just can't imagine that a relationship being that great if the other person is always lying to your face.

I am a lot younger than a lot of the posters here (29), and I have not been married. But my father was cheating on my mother for 7 years before he couldn't take it anymore and came clean to my mother, by that time the other woman was pregnant with his sons, sons that he always wanted instead of a daughter. You can imagine the kind of things hes instilled into me, I was taught to be worthless without marriage as well.

My dad was supposedly casual with that woman, but when he started to cheat, he became a terrible partner to my mom. He would look for things that he liked in the other woman that my mother did not have, he was constantly angry at us, picking fights with us even though he had no emotional attachment to his side piece at the time. So yeah, I don't really think that scenario where someone is unfaithful AND an amazing partner is all that plausible, unless they are a psychopath.

I myself would rather much be alone rather than find my worth with a partner who's not worth my time, hence I am single and have been for a long time. If they promised fidelity, then they should stick to it, if they can't, they should at least be open about it. If there's no one like that in my life, I will go on my merry way and live my own life. Sure ,it may get lonely, but no one's life is perfect. I'm trying my best to fight against what my dad taught me my whole life, and although it's a hard battle to fight, I think it's worth it because I myself don't want to be fixated on marriage when I have lots of things to be grateful for .

It's just like picking diamonds, if you want that big blingy dream stone, don't settle for a smaller one that you don't like just because it's cheaper and more accessible!

 

[elle_71125]

If my DH wanted to go out and “experience the local gourmet,“ I couldn’t stop him...but I sure as hell wouldn’t stay with him. I respect myself too much for that. Thankfully, we’re both on the same page with that. We’ve both had parents who cheated on their partners and experienced the fall out from that. In fact, my DH‘s grandmother also went through that pain, when she found out her husband of 25 years had been cheating on her for years (and even had a second family in another country). I’ve known several people who’ve cheated on their spouse and I have yet to see one where it didn’t affect their relationship in some way or another. To cheat on someone, you have to be a lier. You have to be comfortable breaking the trust of someone who built their life around you. They are going to be signs. Whether we pick up on them is a different story.

All that to say yes, I would want to know if my DH was cheating. That’s a hard line in the sand for me. It would absolutely break my heart, but I’d need to know.



Update: I just asked my hubby where he stands. If he would like to be in a relationship where everything is perfect, but where your partner is cheating on you (without your knowledge).

He said no. He’d rather be in an imperfect relationship where two people are committed. (Man, I love this guy).

 

[telephone89]

I have pretty strong opinions on cheating, and they are not good lol. What a pp in the other said about knowing their friends husband was cheating on them for years and not saying anything - that is my literal worst nightmare and so humiliating. I would absolutely want to know, and I personally don't think you can have a perfect relationship but have one party lying and keeping secrets like that. Of course, if people are swingers or poly or open I don't consider that cheating/being unfaithful because that is an agreement theyve made and are up front and honest about it. But to me, someone lying to my face about where they are going or who they are seeing is not ok. It's not even about the sex for me, it would be the dishonesty. I am far from the person who can stick my head in the sand and pretend everything is perfect!

 

[Jambalaya]

Very interesting replies.

I guess another way of looking at it is: You have to ask yourself, is it REALLY worth giving up your entire lives and your past together if one person had a fling, or an affair that lasted a few short months? (As opposed to something that went on for years and maybe produced a child. That would be too much.) But just for a fling, short affair, or a one-night stand, throwing away your history, your sense of home in each other, breaking it all up, dividing possessions, moving house, starting anew...just because of some brief times with someone else, for whom your partner might feel some fondness but where you are still the real deal for him. I'm in a process of transition and am thinking aloud; I don't know how I feel about this stuff myself; I'm just bouncing ideas around.

Seems that blowing up a whole life over a few brief episodes of sexual contact isn't worth it. This is controversial, but maybe we should give some thought to the facts of the male sexual experience, which is that for many men, sex really is just sex, and is separate from making love with the woman they love. I'm told the latter is a MUCH more emotional experience for a man. Another fact is that men have ten times the testosterone than us, so logically you'd expect longterm fidelity to be harder for men than for women.

Maybe as long as we continue to demand one thousand percent sexual fidelity over many decades, we are going to experience more divorces than are perhaps necessary. It's almost impossible for us to understand, but for many men, sex outside their relationship means absolutely nothing and is like getting a massage. Apparently when they say it meant nothing, it literally meant nothing.

I must sound like I'm making excuses for cheaters. I'm just trying a different way of thinking about an issue that causes a lot of divorces, and as long as the relationship is good and the errant partner still really loves his partner, I'm just not sure that zero tolerance for fifty decades is the wisest course of action. People are only human, after all.

Also, I just don't want to be beholden to this fear of someone cheating when you have zero control over whether it happens or not. I don't want it hanging over me, threatening me with devastation. Tired of letting the bogeyman idea of having a partner cheat on me have power over me. Perhaps we would be happier if we mellowed out about it. It's not like anyone WANTS their partner to cheat, but perhaps we shouldn't put ourselves through such complete and utter hell if they do. Maybe we should thank them for opening the marriage and go out on a sexy date or two ourselves...

 

[Elizabeth35]

It is possible for a marriage to survive an affair. But the person who cheated needs to understand that there will be trust issues, probably forever. They may never be totally forgiven, and it will never be forgotten. It may get thrown in their face during arguments.

In my 65 years experience---I don't know of a marriage that successfully survived an affair. Not one. Commonly, one person is feeling unhappy which leads to an affair.
In my experience--affairs don't happen in a completely happy relationship.
In other words, the affair is a symptom and not just scratching an itch.

It would probably take counseling and two extremely committed people for the marriage to survive. The person cheated on would have to work on trust issues. The person who cheated would need to know that every time they leave the house they may have to 'prove' where they were--forever.

I don't agree that most men feel that sex is just sex and they are victims of their testosterone. It's not fair to men. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Demon]

For me the question wouldn't be is it worth throwing away the life you've had together if someone cheats. The question for me would be is it worth continuing to live with a person who has betrayed your trust, possibly exposed you to an STD, possibly impregnated someone else - all for a one night stand? My answer would be no.

 

[GeliL]

I don't think it's about the length of the infidelity as much as it is about the start of the affair itself. Even if it didn't go on for years, if sex is just sex, they will keep doing it with different people, and that act in itself wouldn't make anyone a good partner.

If you really can't trust your sex drive to not have sexual fun with someone else, maybe don't lie and promise them eternal loyalty and expect them to be loyal to you. There are plenty of couples who have fun on the side and are together happily, and that's usually with both sides being open about it. You can be poly and still cheat if you are not honest about it.

I think the fear of a partner cheating has less to do with that partner and more to do with one's own anxiety and insecurity. If it's that strong, a therapist is probably needed. My mother never feared my dad cheating on her, and when it happened, she divorced him and is still happy.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

Do people fear cheating though?

I have had the brief passing thought of: If you cheat I'm going to take you to the cleaners and torch all your belongings.

But that's really about it. It barely passes my mind.

I'm much more worried that he'll die young because his father died young. I get really morbid about that and have a tendency to burst into tears randomly when I think about it.

 

[marymm]

I am married because I love my partner and we choose a lifelong monogamous relationship with each other.

If one of us wanted sex outside of our marriage, then we no longer belong together and we must split so we each could move forward and live our best lives separately.

If during marriage one of us cheated (sex or emotional affair), that would be a betrayal of our vows to each other and would make the divorce even harder.

Honestly, being married, at least in the way we choose to be married, is joyful and satisfying, and a lot of work.

We both believe fidelity to each other, in word and action, is the very foundation on which our partnership is based.

I would rather be alone than be with someone who is faithless and undermining our marriage, no matter our history.

 

[pearlsngems]

I don't think my marriage could survive infidelity. Trust would go away, and respect-- and then love would go away, too.

 

[LorettaB]

I don't think my marriage could survive infidelity. Trust would go away, and respect-- and then love would go away, too.

I agree and that would be the worst kind of hurt possible. I could think of nothing, mental or physical, that would hurt so bad as that.

 

[Lookinagain]

Many people think that they are in a happy marriage and then find out that a spouse is cheating. That usually throws them for a loop as it tells them that everything they believed about their life was not the truth. Then they have to decide if keeping the house, the stuff, the fiction of the life that they thought they had, is worth the trade off. And they believe the promise that it won't happen again, because they want to believe it. But it often does happen again. So that trade off isn't worth it for me, but for some it is.

 

[LilAlex]

You have to ask yourself, is it REALLY worth giving up your entire lives and your past together if one person had a fling, or an affair that lasted a few short months?

But you didn't ask us that question. I went by the question in the thread title: "How important is sexual fidelity to you?" Are you now asking this? It's a very different question -- "Can you ever get past a spouse's brief, "meaningless" infidelity..." I guess the answer is: "it depends..."

If my spouse learned that I were cruel or abusive to the vulnerable -- kids, animals, you name it -- that would be the end. She'd be gone that very day and there would be no reconciliation, ever. She would not be at my side in court or at a press conference. (Hopefully being a bit of d*ck on the internet is not the same.) I don't think infidelity is in that same bucket -- perhaps we could bounce back from that in time. Happy to not know the answer.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

I guess another way of looking at it is: You have to ask yourself, is it REALLY worth giving up your entire lives and your past together if one person had a fling, or an affair that lasted a few short months?

It is because that entire life was a lie.

I would like to gather myself, acknowledge the big giant lie and move on with the rest of my life.

 

[vintageinjune]

The importance of sexual fidelity to me is directly proportional to that of my partner - in the case of my current relationship, my partner requested complete monogamy, and as long as we are married (which, hopefully, will be until we pass away), we will both abide by that. I am the one who would prefer the option for additional partners, but my spouse is 100% not okay with that, he will only accept monogamy. Obviously, I decided he was worth doing that for. He is the kindest soul, that has seen me through the craziest, soul-wrenchingly painful, horrible times in my life (including those where I was at my worst), and still loves me. Occasionally I still find myself mystified about how and why he's decided to stick around, because he's just genuinely a better human being than me, but lucky me, 16 + years and counting. (Total relationship, not marriage.)

I do not personally believe that humans are all meant to be monogamous, but I hold incredibly strong feelings about the importance of open, honest communication and respecting each others boundaries either way. We have polyamorous friends in our circle, and overall that works fine for them, as they have well established rules, boundaries, and communication. I also know a formerly polyamorous couple where one party in the marriage actually wasn't okay with the polyamory but felt pushed into it for a variety of reasons. The relationship wasn't good and dissolved.

For me, if I discovered sexual infidelity on the part of my spouse, the hurt wouldn't be over the physical act of sexual intimacy with another person (if my spouse declared one day they want to explore that, I'd be open to discussing it), but the lying and betrayal of going behind my back without talking about it would be a gut punch I'd have difficulty recovering from. We tell each other everything, like, EVERYTHING. Like, teenage girls who snuck alcohol from their parents, while having a sleepover, trying to discover the meaning of life through hours of conversation, and also which person they have the biggest crush on currently, type of everything. Which, ultimately, might be the same thing as being upset about the sexual infidelity as both are a betrayal of trust. Slightly off topic to the original question, sorry!

Now, if a request to open our marriage coincided with other relationship struggles, that would be a huge red flag for me that there are deeper issues that need to be addressed.

 

[Rons Wolfe]

It was extremely important to my husband and I, along with emotional and other fidelity. His first wife cheated on him, but he stayed with her to raise his children. Ie told me from the start how important it was to him, and I knew he wasn't going to stay if it happened again. Not that he ever had to worry about it, hurting him like that was the last thing I'd ever have done. I also knew that the reverse was true.

We trusted each other in every sense of the word, and a betrayal of that trust would have broken both of our hearts.

 

[missy]

guess another way of looking at it is: You have to ask yourself, is it REALLY worth giving up your entire lives and your past together if one person had a fling, or an affair that lasted a few short months?

I know the answer for me. And that answer will vary for each indvidual. My answer is Yes. Because that life was a lie. I would not be content nor happy to continue to be living in a relationship that was a lie. That's me though and perhaps for you Jamabalya you are willing to make that concession. I am not.

I will not settle for a relationship that is less than. A relationship that is a lie. A relationship where I can no longer trust who I thought was the love of my life. A relationship where there is no longer mutual respect. If I am betrayed I am done.

I have learned to listen to people when they show me who they are. I guess my years on earth have provided me with some wisdom at least. If your DH/SO betrays your trust, your love, your loyalty where can you go from there? Would you trust them again? It's not like an accident like oops his pe*is slipped into her va*ina. Nope, that is a calculated action and doesn't belong in a loving caring trusting and respectful relationship. IMO.

YMMV

 

[m-cubed]

The biggest thing I am looking for in a relationship is someone who puts me above all others and cherishes me. Cheating is the opposite of that. My last relationship ended because the guy lost interest and was too chickenshit to break up with me, and so he cheated (more than once) and I had to break up with him when I found out. I will not be second place in a relationship. Still waiting (many years later) to find someone who will treat me right, but I’d rather be single than be with a cheating liar.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

If sexual/fidelity is an inconvenience, stay single. And I wouldn't want to be with someone who would trivialize the same.

cheers--Sharon

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

Its hard for me to understand those of you who say, "your whole life is a lie", if someone has sex with someone other than you. Life cannot be assessed by one thing. Some of you sound as if you have wonderful spouses, who have treated you well in mosts parts of your marriage. You would leave thm because he put his pe=== in another human being? No, I would not leave them. People really are imperfect, and I would just have to look in the mirror. Good people sometimes do foolish things.

Annette

 

[Matata]

This convo is quite similar to the one re: earth-mined vs LG diamonds. One is mind clean -- fidelity is a non negotiable. The other perspective is that it's ok for non traditional approaches to a relationship. This PSA brought to you from the depths of a brain soaked by two, count 'em, two, Manhattan cocktails on an empty stomach.

 

[Matata]

When a partner cheats, it makes the other partner feel less than, insufficient, unable to meet the needs of the other and that's something that I don't remember being addressed in the discussion. The issue may not be the cheating itself but the realization that the cheating is a symptom of something else. Again, this idea is brought to you via a brain soaked in 2 Manhattan cocktails on an empty stomach. Note to self: do not drunk post.