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Ally, I don''t have much to add to everything everyone else has said, but I just want to send hugs because I know this much be really heartbreaking for you to have to make this kind of decision so close to your wedding.

Just remember - you need to decide what''s best for YOU - if postponing the wedding is best for YOU, then you should do it. If he really truly loves you and wants to marry you then he should understand the reasons behind it and the fact that the two of you have issues to work out before making such a huge commitment. If calling off the wedding is what''s best for YOU - then do it and don''t worry about who else it will hurt because bottom line is you need to be sure about this and you need to do what''s right for you. If going through with the wedding is what''s best for YOU, then that''s what you should do and we will all wish you the best.

Please keep us updated - we all really care about you and want the best for you.
 
ally, you don''t need a man in your life to be whole or fulfilled. you are an accomplished, intelligent woman. don''t be afraid to be alone. honey, you''ve been given a second chance in life, take advantage of it. love yourself and live YOUR life. good luck.

from a sympathetic lurker.
 
Hi Ally,

I am sorry I don't have a firm opinion on this one. I feel like this man does care about you, but you two have major communication issues. In addition, he and his mother seem to be in a really bad place right now, and perhaps aren't thinking rationally. Losing a parent can be really rough, and take months, if not years, to get over. I think it's unfair for so many people to say to leave him... They obviously don't know the two of you or your history together. Only you know what the right choice is for the two of you. You two have been together for many years, and people do change. It is possible that he has changed, and so have you, and you are no longer compatible. Alternatively, it is possible that the two of you are just in a really bad place right now and need to stick together to work through it. Only you know the answer... And only you know if he is worth it or not. Nobody's relationship is perfect, but I know you should never doubt wanting to spend the rest of your life with your FI. He should be your best friend...

Although I agree that your FI should always be on your side, and that his mother is acting like a total biatch, I also think that you can never really expect a man to turn against his mother, no matter how bad she is. After all, she gave birth to him and raised him, and if he is a man who respects his mother (which is the kind of man you want to marry) than you really can't expect him to turn against his mother... I dunno, I guess I can see my FI reacting the same way if one day I ever got in to a fight with his mom. I think he would defend her, at least a little bit initially, if I were angry at her and not returning her phone calls.

I don't know you personally, and although I met you FI for a few minutes, I really don't know him either. I do know though, that sometimes people who are assertive don't always get the sympathy from people around them during arguments. People tend to defend the more sensitive, introverted personalities. This really bothers me because it doesn't mean the more assertive person isn't as hurt as the other, less assertive individual. I guess what I am saying is that if you find yourself often telling FI what to do, or what he did wrong, and you are getting angry at him daily, it doesn't surprise me that he may not appear to not take your side all the time (even though he really is on your side). He may just defend the other person and try to get you to take on their perspective because he thinks you have a stronger personality and can take it... I don't know if this makes any sense or even describes you at all but I am just hypothesizing possibilities.

Also, prosponing the wedding doesn't mean you won't eventually end up married to this guy one day. I just worry about the fact that you are doubting marrying him so much... You should be 100% sure before you make that kind of commitment.

Anyway - I hope you figure out what's best for you. I am truly sorry you are going through this right now...
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Date: 6/13/2009 12:52:22 AM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
Hi Ally,

I am sorry I don''t have a firm opinion on this one. I feel like this man does care about you, but you two have major communication issues. In addition, he and his mother seem to be in a really bad place right now, and perhaps aren''t thinking rationally. Losing a parent can be really rough, and take months, if not years, to get over. I think it''s unfair for so many people to say to leave him... They obviously don''t know the two of you or your history together. Only you know what the right choice is for the two of you. You two have been together for many years, and people do change. It is possible that he has changed, and so have you, and you are no longer compatible. Alternatively, it is possible that the two of you are just in a really bad place right now and need to stick together to work through it. Only you know the answer... And only you know if he is worth it or not. Nobody''s relationship is perfect, but I know you should never doubt wanting to spend the rest of your life with your FI. He should be your best friend...

Although I agree that your FI should always be on your side, and that his mother is acting like a total biatch, I also think that you can never really expect a man to turn against his mother, no matter how bad she is. After all, she gave birth to him and raised him, and if he is a man who respects his mother (which is the kind of man you want to marry) than you really can''t expect him to turn against his mother... I dunno, I guess I can see my FI reacting the same way if one day I ever got in to a fight with his mom. I think he would defend her, at least a little bit initially, if I were angry at her and not returning her phone calls.

I don''t know you personally, and although I met you FI for a few minutes, I really don''t know him either. I do know though, that sometimes people who are assertive don''t always get the sympathy from people around them during arguments. People tend to defend the more sensitive, introverted personalities. This really bothers me because it doesn''t mean the more assertive person isn''t as hurt as the other, less assertive individual. I guess what I am saying is that if you find yourself often telling FI what to do, or what he did wrong, and you are getting angry at him daily, it doesn''t surprise me that he may not appear to not take your side all the time (even though he really is on your side). He may just defend the other person and try to get you to take on their perspective because he thinks you have a stronger personality and can take it... I don''t know if this makes any sense or even describes you at all but I am just hypothesizing possibilities.

Also, prosponing the wedding doesn''t mean you won''t eventually end up married to this guy one day. I just worry about the fact that you are doubting marrying him so much... You should be 100% sure before you make that kind of commitment.

Anyway - I hope you figure out what''s best for you. I am truly sorry you are going through this right now...
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Ilovethiswebsite, I agree with a lot of your post. however, I wonder if you''ve taken time to really read through Ally''s previous threads (not just posts, threads based on issues that have arisen). For example, how about the one in which (and I''m sorry, I''m terrible at links) she stated that she wanted an aline dress because she''s not super confident about her lower half, but HE insisted that she wear a mermaid style so that is what she ended up buying? This is something that can yes, be justified because brides tend to help their fiances choose tuxes, but for a woman to change her particulars as far as what style of wedding gown she''ll wear on the day she marries to fit what her husband to be thinks would look better to me is just crazy. That''s only one example of Ally''s fiance getting his way and ignoring what she feels is best for her. And that''s a big issue, imo. It''s the DRESS, for pete''s sake.

I don''t think we''re all just ganging up on Ally''s fiance based on this particular thread. I think a lot of us have gotten to know her here on PS quite well, and have noticed a commonality and a gotten a sense of her unhappiness with this guy. That''s all...we''re not just all jumping on a "don''t marry him, he done you wrong" bandwagon at all. I think we naysayers are just agreeing that we see a ton of red flags and letting her know that we care about her and her happiness, and some of us speak from experience when we tell her that things PROBABLY won''t change once she is married.

All that being said, I think you made some good and valid points, and I''m all for saving things if there''s anything to be saved. Maybe in this case the wedding should go on, maybe it should''t...only Ally can make that decision, but I feel like maybe she doesn''t tallk about this IRL and deserved to hear some of our viewpoints to base her decision on since she is obviously comfortable with using PS as a sounding board.
 
Dearest Ally,

One thing that I''ve learned in this very eventful life of mine is that the gut is a very powerful indicator of what is right and what is wrong *for you.* Your gut is either telling you everything is fine, or it is screaming at you right now. If it is screaming at you, you might try to write it off to wedding jitters or nerves, but deep down, you know. Ally, listen to your gut. Please listen to it. If it is screaming at you, do what is right for YOU. Don''t worry about everyone else. You are the only important person in this equation at the moment, period.

The things is, when it is right, deep down, you know. You don''t need your mate to convince you (and your gut) that things are ok, because there is no reason to do so.

You are one amazing woman. You have accomplished things that some of us will only dream of doing. No matter what, there is a lesson for you. Maybe some of us want to swoop in and save you from a painful lesson because we see such a wonderful woman, just through these posts on the internet!



In regards to you MIL and YOUR wedding. I believe it is time to take control Ally. Take a deep breath and visualize all of the pricescope ladies backing you (because we are girl!) If it were me, first two things on my agenda would be to cancel the limo and the champagne toast, but to call FMIL first and give her the opportunity to pay for them if she feels it is so necessary! You don''t want these things at the wedding and more importantly, you don''t want to PAY for these things (think of the jewelry you can buy for $2000!)

I want to add one thing on a little side note, these issues with MIL will not go away when the wedding is over. You think she''s bad now? Wait til you''re pregnant!

Finally, if your gut is at peace and you have no doubts, then you will know that marrying him is the right thing to do. Ally we''re here for you! ..HUGS..
 
Date: 6/13/2009 1:08:19 AM
Author: monarch64
Date: 6/13/2009 12:52:22 AM

Author: ilovethiswebsite

Hi Ally,


I am sorry I don''t have a firm opinion on this one. I feel like this man does care about you, but you two have major communication issues. In addition, he and his mother seem to be in a really bad place right now, and perhaps aren''t thinking rationally. Losing a parent can be really rough, and take months, if not years, to get over. I think it''s unfair for so many people to say to leave him... They obviously don''t know the two of you or your history together. Only you know what the right choice is for the two of you. You two have been together for many years, and people do change. It is possible that he has changed, and so have you, and you are no longer compatible. Alternatively, it is possible that the two of you are just in a really bad place right now and need to stick together to work through it. Only you know the answer... And only you know if he is worth it or not. Nobody''s relationship is perfect, but I know you should never doubt wanting to spend the rest of your life with your FI. He should be your best friend...


Although I agree that your FI should always be on your side, and that his mother is acting like a total biatch, I also think that you can never really expect a man to turn against his mother, no matter how bad she is. After all, she gave birth to him and raised him, and if he is a man who respects his mother (which is the kind of man you want to marry) than you really can''t expect him to turn against his mother... I dunno, I guess I can see my FI reacting the same way if one day I ever got in to a fight with his mom. I think he would defend her, at least a little bit initially, if I were angry at her and not returning her phone calls.


I don''t know you personally, and although I met you FI for a few minutes, I really don''t know him either. I do know though, that sometimes people who are assertive don''t always get the sympathy from people around them during arguments. People tend to defend the more sensitive, introverted personalities. This really bothers me because it doesn''t mean the more assertive person isn''t as hurt as the other, less assertive individual. I guess what I am saying is that if you find yourself often telling FI what to do, or what he did wrong, and you are getting angry at him daily, it doesn''t surprise me that he may not appear to not take your side all the time (even though he really is on your side). He may just defend the other person and try to get you to take on their perspective because he thinks you have a stronger personality and can take it... I don''t know if this makes any sense or even describes you at all but I am just hypothesizing possibilities.


Also, prosponing the wedding doesn''t mean you won''t eventually end up married to this guy one day. I just worry about the fact that you are doubting marrying him so much... You should be 100% sure before you make that kind of commitment.


Anyway - I hope you figure out what''s best for you. I am truly sorry you are going through this right now...
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Ilovethiswebsite, I agree with a lot of your post. however, I wonder if you''ve taken time to really read through Ally''s previous threads (not just posts, threads based on issues that have arisen). For example, how about the one in which (and I''m sorry, I''m terrible at links) she stated that she wanted an aline dress because she''s not super confident about her lower half, but HE insisted that she wear a mermaid style so that is what she ended up buying? This is something that can yes, be justified because brides tend to help their fiances choose tuxes, but for a woman to change her particulars as far as what style of wedding gown she''ll wear on the day she marries to fit what her husband to be thinks would look better to me is just crazy. That''s only one example of Ally''s fiance getting his way and ignoring what she feels is best for her. And that''s a big issue, imo. It''s the DRESS, for pete''s sake.


I don''t think we''re all just ganging up on Ally''s fiance based on this particular thread. I think a lot of us have gotten to know her here on PS quite well, and have noticed a commonality and a gotten a sense of her unhappiness with this guy. That''s all...we''re not just all jumping on a ''don''t marry him, he done you wrong'' bandwagon at all. I think we naysayers are just agreeing that we see a ton of red flags and letting her know that we care about her and her happiness, and some of us speak from experience when we tell her that things PROBABLY won''t change once she is married.


All that being said, I think you made some good and valid points, and I''m all for saving things if there''s anything to be saved. Maybe in this case the wedding should go on, maybe it should''t...only Ally can make that decision, but I feel like maybe she doesn''t tallk about this IRL and deserved to hear some of our viewpoints to base her decision on since she is obviously comfortable with using PS as a sounding board.
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Hey Monarch - you are right, I most definitely don''t know Ally and have not read all her post so don''t know the full story... I was just coming up with possible reasons why he may appear to not be taking her side all the time. As for the dress issue, I don''t think it''s unusual for a FI to recommend a dress style. I know my FI has requested i wear my hair down - because he loves my hair. Maybe her FI wants her to wear a mermaid style dress cause he likes her butt! Of course, I don''t know the details of how he said it or why - and he may have been very rude about it all which is terrible, but there are always two sides to every story. In all fairness when I met the dude he kept talking about how proud he was of her, and how excited he was to get married, so my impression of him may be biased. Finally, although I think it is great Ally posts about these issues here and has a place to vent, I think it''s naive for anyone to really think they *know* her more than she knows herself, and her FI. No one really knows either of them in real life, and sometimes posts can come across more negatively when you are upset and there is only one side being viewed. At the end of the day, no one knows what''s right except for Ally... I think there is a general consensus here though that she shouldn''t get married if she is so doubtful... And it is clear by her posts that she is doubtful.
 
Ally -

You''ve received a lot of good advice and I just wanted to add 2 things.

1. If you and FI were right for each other, things wouldn''t be this hard. Relationships require work, but they should also provide far more joy and happiness than you seem to receive from yours.
2. If you and FI haven''t learned how to communicate effectively with each other in 13 years of being together, that situation is unlikely to change. And it''s probably a sign that miscommunication isn''t the only or even the main problem. I''m sorry if that sounds harsh, but if you haven''t worked out these problems by now, there''s a reason why.
 
Date: 6/13/2009 1:23:02 AM
Author: ilovethiswebsite

Date: 6/13/2009 1:08:19 AM
Author: monarch64

Date: 6/13/2009 12:52:22 AM

Author: ilovethiswebsite

Hi Ally,


I am sorry I don''t have a firm opinion on this one. I feel like this man does care about you, but you two have major communication issues. In addition, he and his mother seem to be in a really bad place right now, and perhaps aren''t thinking rationally. Losing a parent can be really rough, and take months, if not years, to get over. I think it''s unfair for so many people to say to leave him... They obviously don''t know the two of you or your history together. Only you know what the right choice is for the two of you. You two have been together for many years, and people do change. It is possible that he has changed, and so have you, and you are no longer compatible. Alternatively, it is possible that the two of you are just in a really bad place right now and need to stick together to work through it. Only you know the answer... And only you know if he is worth it or not. Nobody''s relationship is perfect, but I know you should never doubt wanting to spend the rest of your life with your FI. He should be your best friend...


Although I agree that your FI should always be on your side, and that his mother is acting like a total biatch, I also think that you can never really expect a man to turn against his mother, no matter how bad she is. After all, she gave birth to him and raised him, and if he is a man who respects his mother (which is the kind of man you want to marry) than you really can''t expect him to turn against his mother... I dunno, I guess I can see my FI reacting the same way if one day I ever got in to a fight with his mom. I think he would defend her, at least a little bit initially, if I were angry at her and not returning her phone calls.


I don''t know you personally, and although I met you FI for a few minutes, I really don''t know him either. I do know though, that sometimes people who are assertive don''t always get the sympathy from people around them during arguments. People tend to defend the more sensitive, introverted personalities. This really bothers me because it doesn''t mean the more assertive person isn''t as hurt as the other, less assertive individual. I guess what I am saying is that if you find yourself often telling FI what to do, or what he did wrong, and you are getting angry at him daily, it doesn''t surprise me that he may not appear to not take your side all the time (even though he really is on your side). He may just defend the other person and try to get you to take on their perspective because he thinks you have a stronger personality and can take it... I don''t know if this makes any sense or even describes you at all but I am just hypothesizing possibilities.


Also, prosponing the wedding doesn''t mean you won''t eventually end up married to this guy one day. I just worry about the fact that you are doubting marrying him so much... You should be 100% sure before you make that kind of commitment.


Anyway - I hope you figure out what''s best for you. I am truly sorry you are going through this right now...
8.gif
Click to expand...
Ilovethiswebsite, I agree with a lot of your post. however, I wonder if you''ve taken time to really read through Ally''s previous threads (not just posts, threads based on issues that have arisen). For example, how about the one in which (and I''m sorry, I''m terrible at links) she stated that she wanted an aline dress because she''s not super confident about her lower half, but HE insisted that she wear a mermaid style so that is what she ended up buying? This is something that can yes, be justified because brides tend to help their fiances choose tuxes, but for a woman to change her particulars as far as what style of wedding gown she''ll wear on the day she marries to fit what her husband to be thinks would look better to me is just crazy. That''s only one example of Ally''s fiance getting his way and ignoring what she feels is best for her. And that''s a big issue, imo. It''s the DRESS, for pete''s sake.


I don''t think we''re all just ganging up on Ally''s fiance based on this particular thread. I think a lot of us have gotten to know her here on PS quite well, and have noticed a commonality and a gotten a sense of her unhappiness with this guy. That''s all...we''re not just all jumping on a ''don''t marry him, he done you wrong'' bandwagon at all. I think we naysayers are just agreeing that we see a ton of red flags and letting her know that we care about her and her happiness, and some of us speak from experience when we tell her that things PROBABLY won''t change once she is married.


All that being said, I think you made some good and valid points, and I''m all for saving things if there''s anything to be saved. Maybe in this case the wedding should go on, maybe it should''t...only Ally can make that decision, but I feel like maybe she doesn''t tallk about this IRL and deserved to hear some of our viewpoints to base her decision on since she is obviously comfortable with using PS as a sounding board.
Click to expand...

Hey Monarch - you are right, I most definitely don''t know Ally and have not read all her post so don''t know the full story... I was just coming up with possible reasons why he may appear to not be taking her side all the time. As for the dress issue, I don''t think it''s unusual for a FI to recommend a dress style. I know my FI has requested i wear my hair down - because he loves my hair. Maybe her FI wants her to wear a mermaid style dress cause he likes her butt! Of course, I don''t know the details of how he said it or why - and he may have been very rude about it all which is terrible, but there are always two sides to every story. In all fairness when I met the dude he kept talking about how proud he was of her, and how excited he was to get married, so my impression of him may be biased. Finally, although I think it is great Ally posts about these issues here and has a place to vent, I think it''s naive for anyone to really think they *know* her more than she knows herself, and her FI. No one really knows either of them in real life, and sometimes posts can come across more negatively when you are upset and there is only one side being viewed. At the end of the day, no one knows what''s right except for Ally... I think there is a general consensus here though that she shouldn''t get married if she is so doubtful... And it is clear by her posts that she is doubtful.
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Ilovethiswebsite, I''m soooo not disagreeing with you, I know you''ve met him and that''s great. I completely get every point you''ve made, and I can see why you think the relationship is salvageable. No worries. Without Ally''s responses here, of course there is a lot of speculating going on, and that will happen in a charged situation/thread such as this. I just wanted to give Ally my honest opinion (and it seemed a lot of others did as well), because we have followed her threads for a long time here and we''ve seen a pattern forming. No, the majority doesn''t know Ally or her bf personally, you''re right, we''re mostly going on the info she''s given us and from her perspective, BUT I think there are quite a few of us who''ve been around, who recognize the red flags because we''ve actually been in her shoes (or so we think from what she''s posted) and are trying to be good friends and let her know that it''s ok to not go through with something because she thinks things will change once she''s married.

There are just a ton of variables here. I see where you''re coming from. I am not trying to argue with you, at all. I think your heart is in the right place and I know you want to see Ally happy, just like we naysayers do. Thank you for being a good friend to her.
 

Breaking my own rule. Ally. I, for a while now, have stopped repying to your posts because I care about you, but you are a trainwreck and a doormat. And I feel like I CARE more about you than you do. And that's wrong. And you have every ability, chance, and skill to change it all. But you don't. And I honestly just think you enjoy being a victim in your own mind. That is really harsh. And I realize that. But you ALLOW yourself to be battered, berated, abused, and you scream and you shout and you make big noises. But they don't result in anything. No change. No progress. No GROWTH as a person. And you have been through a lot in your years here that honestly should have resulted in personal growth.


You don't have to marry someone just because you care about them or they care about you. You don't. That's not a foundation for marriage. You have to respect and trust one another, among many other things. And Ally. You are mormon. Marriage is forever for you. For me that means you should seriously be contemplating this and so deadly seriously about this commitment that you are in this 100%. And you aren't. And... I don't think you care. I don't know what your issue is. Whether it's low self esteem, that you enjoy being victimized, that you love the drama and the attention it garners you... or whether you are genuinely someone who just hasn't found her path.


I used to think it was the later. But after YEARS of reading your posts. YEARS of the drama of it all. Honestly. I don't think so anymore.


I used to get mad at your FI for not appreciating you, for not putting you first, for not valueing you. But you know what? Compared to how you TREAT YOURSELF, he treats you like a queen. And make no mistake. I think he treats you like crap. So that tells you exactly what I think about how you treat yourself.


It has nothing to do with Hockey Guy. And has everything to do with you. Ally, I don't think you are ready to be married. And I think you should be in long term individual therapy to find out why you are doing this to yourself. Because after years of listening to you tell us about how your sister, your mother, your father, your FI, your FI's family... how all of them treat you badly. Something is clear. The common denominator is you. There is something wrong wth you that allows this. Yes, you yell and you scream and you complain. But it's all smoke and no fire. And even more baffling to me is that you seem geuinely surprised anytime someone bullies or abuses you. I don't understand it. Because you not only allow it, repeatedly, Allly you practically INVITE it. Because all you do is bluff. And when you bluff, and people call you on it and you do NOTHING of substance. It's just giving them permission to do it to you again and again.


You need help Ally. That's all there is to it.


To answer your original question:


I have self respect and a backbone. So my FMIL, and ALL my IN LAWS are great. My husband is great too. Because I deserve it. I know it. And I don't accept anything less. And you know what? My husband demands the same of me, because he respects himself too. And his IN LAWS who are complete manipulative, pain in the arse, selfsih self absorbed clannish but jobs (my family) respect him too. He doesn't give them any other choice. EVER. And I love that about him.

As for your situation. Well, I'll tell you why your not only your FMIL, but your FI, your sister, your mother, et al are the way they are. Because you allow them to be. OF COURSE they are demanding, manipulative, dishonest, and abusive: BECAUSE IT WORKS AND NO ONE STOPS THEM. And no one is going to unless YOU decide to do something other than scream shout, then justify and capitulate.

When you are a doormat, do not be surprised when people walk all over you.



 
Ugh. I really hate to do this, because it makes me so sad, but perhaps reading through some of your own words/stories (or other people reading through them) of the doubts, fears, fights, and EVERYTHING else...maybe revisiting some of the past 4 years. Maybe it will help to see things more clearly. I''ve only started to go through, but I''m hoping that there are less than I think there are...

5.9.06-a thread about how he cancels your plans together and how his uncle had just died. Mention of a potential dealbreaking personality characteristic.

5.14.06--a thread about him drinking too much, blaming his actions on his uncle''s death and talk of ending the engagement.

9.28.06--a thread questioning the entire relationship, why you don''t want to get married and your incompatibility. (This one made me feel like I had been punched in the solarplexes.)

12.12.06--a thread about how you went to counseling, and the issues that were associated with it. This is also when you put down a deposit on the reception hall.

1.23.07--a thread where your sister got engaged, your wedding dates conflicted, and how she asked you to move your wedding back.

2.26.07--a thread where you started talking about eloping, and actually mentioned your FMIL''s desire to have a church wedding.

6.28.07--a thread where you were trying to decide on getting married in Italy, and that your BF was upset because you hadn''t made any progress on wedding planning.

3.6.08--the first thread about E and M, and how your BF wanted you to invite them both, even though you were really uncomfortable with it.

6.9.08--a following thread with E and M, where she bumps and grinds on him and how she doesn''t invite you to her social gatherings.

7.4.08--the thread where your BF and mom went to the reception site and your mom POed the reception site dude.

7.9.08--continuation of your mom''s issues with the wedding reception and when she was trying to bribe you.

8.28.08--the dress thread where he wants you in a mermaid and you want an A-line.

11.2.08--where you found out your sister was getting a divorce.

11.28.08--where FFIL was diagnosed and you and BF were trying to figure out how to deal with it.

12.5.08--considering canceling the wedding because of FFIL''s illness

1.15.09--after your accident worrying about how you were being mean.

1.29.09--questioning if you''re happy (in general).

2.14.09--FFIL passed.

3.30.09--Asking if everything happens for a reason.

4.08.09--discussion of FMIL/FSIL/FI/FBIL wanting the wedding to continue on, and adding a whole bunch of funeral-ish touches to everything at the wedding.

5.14.09--E and M again, talking about M wearing a white dress to your wedding.

Which about brings us to present day. These threads made my heart hurt worse. I didn''t go through and read every single one of your posts in those threads because I''ve read most of them before, but even the initial post on those threads...

So much pain, unhappiness and anguish Ally. I don''t know how you''re still standing.

Last time I did anything of the sort (copied Chocolatefudge''s posts about her BF) I was accused of being mean and rubbing her problems in her face or something along those lines. Please know that this is not my intent, and nothing close to that is my intent. I just want to see you happy and healthy.
 
Oh ally, things really shouldn''t be like this a few weeks before your wedding, trust me, I''m in the same timeframe as you. Please consider postponing the wedding and read Gypsy and Freke''s posts. They make a lot of sense.
 
Date: 6/13/2009 3:10:05 AM
Author: FrekeChild
.

Last time I did anything of the sort (copied Chocolatefudge''s posts about her BF) I was accused of being mean and rubbing her problems in her face or something along those lines. Please know that this is not my intent, and nothing close to that is my intent. I just want to see you happy and healthy.
Click to expand...
Freke for what it''s worth, last night i went and searched through the past posts and i immediately saw the pattern. I also thought that Ally needed to see it all for herself, but being new here i knew it wasn''t my place. So i''m glad that you did it, and i can see WHY you have done it and i definately know that your intent was not nasty but from a kind place.
 
A person can''t be blamed for being a doormat. They were taught to be one through years and years of belittling and deprivation. Imagine a tiny child, never being given what they needed, constantly being given crumbs of love. THIS is how a doormat is created.

A person can''t be blamed for living in chaos. They were taught chaos is normal by living in it year after year with unstable parents. Imagine, again, a tiny child, with parents who were so unstable, that the child didn''t know what was up and what was down. Imagine a child living with an emotionally unstable parent, so that the child didn''t even know whether or not the parent was safe.


These patterns formed so long ago..and a person can''t be blamed for them. Compassion is needed here.


But, these patterns can''t be broken by themsevles either.

We don''t choose our partners by accident. We choose a partner that will bring out the same battle that our parents created in us long ago, with the hopes of winning that battle once and for all. In an ideal circumstance, we find a partner that will allow us to win that battle and we are able to heal. In some circumstances, when the battle is so extreme, we find a partner that will not allow us to win the battle, because their issues run too deep (and so do ours.) This is when therapy is needed.

I don''t know Ally and I won''t make a judgement of her character or her issues. But if she is any of the things that have been said (and only she knows,) she can''t be blamed. But blame isn''t the issue either. If it IS, then it IS and it needs to be fixed.

I will stand up and say once again that compassion brings healing.
 
From 9.28.06. 2 and a half years ago. This stood out to me like nothing I've ever read before on PS.

So his word doesn't mean much to me. Which makes me wonder why we would have to have a wedding a vow to each other that we'll love each other forever when a) he breaks his word all the time b) it's not like I believe because he says it in a church means he's going to do it.

Deep down in your gut, do you still feel this way about him?

ETA: Another post. Same thread:


But he's happy as a clam. He has no issues in the relationship. He is happy. He knows I am unhappy, but he is very happy. He says he doesn't want to lose me because I make him happy. And sometimes I wonder, if he's the only person in this relationship that matters. And part of me wonders if every year I become even more career obsessed because I can't stand the lonliness and I'm trying to outwork him while he's out playing.
 
Date: 6/13/2009 11:09:42 AM
Author: House Cat
A person can''t be blamed for being a doormat. They were taught to be one through years and years of belittling and deprivation. Imagine a tiny child, never being given what they needed, constantly being given crumbs of love. THIS is how a doormat is created.

A person can''t be blamed for living in chaos. They were taught chaos is normal by living in it year after year with unstable parents. Imagine, again, a tiny child, with parents who were so unstable, that the child didn''t know what was up and what was down. Imagine a child living with an emotionally unstable parent, so that the child didn''t even know whether or not the parent was safe.


These patterns formed so long ago..and a person can''t be blamed for them. Compassion is needed here.


But, these patterns can''t be broken by themsevles either.

We don''t choose our partners by accident. We choose a partner that will bring out the same battle that our parents created in us long ago, with the hopes of winning that battle once and for all. In an ideal circumstance, we find a partner that will allow us to win that battle and we are able to heal. In some circumstances, when the battle is so extreme, we find a partner that will not allow us to win the battle, because their issues run too deep (and so do ours.) This is when therapy is needed.

I don''t know Ally and I won''t make a judgement of her character or her issues. But if she is any of the things that have been said (and only she knows,) she can''t be blamed. But blame isn''t the issue either. If it IS, then it IS and it needs to be fixed.

I will stand up and say once again that compassion brings healing.
Click to expand...
Sometimes compassion = tough love instead of enabling a destructive pattern of behaviour to continue.

And yes, Ally can be blamed for being a doormat. Because she has never made a step to help herself. And she has not been alone. We have been here for her for 4 years encouraging her TELLING her what the problem is and she continues to rationalize and capitulate.

Ally is her OWN abuser. No one else. So yes. I can and do blame Ally.
 
Date: 6/13/2009 2:27:51 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 6/13/2009 11:09:42 AM
Author: House Cat
A person can''t be blamed for being a doormat. They were taught to be one through years and years of belittling and deprivation. Imagine a tiny child, never being given what they needed, constantly being given crumbs of love. THIS is how a doormat is created.

A person can''t be blamed for living in chaos. They were taught chaos is normal by living in it year after year with unstable parents. Imagine, again, a tiny child, with parents who were so unstable, that the child didn''t know what was up and what was down. Imagine a child living with an emotionally unstable parent, so that the child didn''t even know whether or not the parent was safe.


These patterns formed so long ago..and a person can''t be blamed for them. Compassion is needed here.


But, these patterns can''t be broken by themsevles either.

We don''t choose our partners by accident. We choose a partner that will bring out the same battle that our parents created in us long ago, with the hopes of winning that battle once and for all. In an ideal circumstance, we find a partner that will allow us to win that battle and we are able to heal. In some circumstances, when the battle is so extreme, we find a partner that will not allow us to win the battle, because their issues run too deep (and so do ours.) This is when therapy is needed.

I don''t know Ally and I won''t make a judgement of her character or her issues. But if she is any of the things that have been said (and only she knows,) she can''t be blamed. But blame isn''t the issue either. If it IS, then it IS and it needs to be fixed.

I will stand up and say once again that compassion brings healing.
Click to expand...
Sometimes compassion = tough love instead of enabling a destructive pattern of behaviour to continue.

And yes, Ally can be blamed for being a doormat. Because she has never made a step to help herself. And she has not been alone. We have been here for her for 4 years encouraging her TELLING her what the problem is and she continues to rationalize and capitulate.

Ally is her OWN abuser. No one else. So yes. I can and do blame Ally.
Click to expand...
I''m not advocating enabling Gypsy. I do understand exactly what you are doing. I feel it takes a very brave person to really speak their mind and to put their true feelings out there. A lot of times, this is the greatest act of love anyone can show another human being. I know what you did wasn''t easy. I wasn''t trying to downplay your words. I was just pointing out that for someone who is used to being a victim, tough love will just feed the beast.

I don''t know any other way to say it.

And I hate that I''m making presumptions about Ally, because I don''t really know her.

You have known her for years. I will say that you know best.

If it is needed, I hope that Ally finds the help she needs. If help is needed, I know that an internet message board is far too underqualified to give the healing that is needed for what has been said here. Hopefully though, this internet message board has given Ally the information and the boost she needs to see that she might need that help.

I have noticed that the community becomes highly alarmed when she posts about her FI. This is very telling. Ally, I hope you find this telling as well.

Do take care. Hugs to all.
 
Ally, hope you''re doing ok. Some of us have been harsh, but I hope you''re not offended -- we''re coming from a good place.

Hugs.
 
hugs. hope you''re doing allright miss ally, and definitely hope that you''ve been able to relax and be happy somehow
 
I do believe that most of the posts came from a good place. I feel very much, that this is one of the worst times of my life, and I''ve been through a lot of bad times. But having a place that I initially came for for support, to have it thrown in my face is awful.
I feel fragile, vulnerable, and unable to deal with my life or my future anymore. As for tough love, well I actually get a lot of that from my family and the people around me, and I don''t think I can handle anymore. And if as Gypsy so eloquently put it, "I''m too blame", well that''s something I have heard a lot too. I don''t think I''ve ever NOT been blamed for nearly everything wrong that has happened to me in my life, my sister''s life and every other family member. This is how my life has always worked. I feel there''s a difference between caring/voicing a strong opinon, and trying to beat someone down. I feel that some of it was the latter. And I am completely exhausted and hopeless. I don''t HAVE a future anymore, so being called a doormat, it''s your fault, victim, added to all the insults that were flung this week in real life. It''s ENOUGH. Thank you to all of you which have been there for me, you know who you are. I don''t think I would have lasted this long with you.

Ally
 
Ally, I realize nothing we say can make you feel better or help, but I wanted to give you a cyber hug. No one deserves to feel so crummy.
 
Gypsy, I know you weren''t trying to be harsh but when reading through your post it sounded almost exactly like what "that other poster" was saying to you not all that long ago, especially the part about possibly loving the drama.
15.gif


Ally, this last post of yours is so sad, and I must say very alarming as you did not specify what "lasted this long" meant. I''m sure others will assume you mean on pricescope, but you preceeded that comment with a paragraph about your life. So I guess what I''m asking is that you PLEASE come back on here and tell us you are alright. Add another cyber-hug from me.
 
Date: 6/15/2009 9:19:36 PM
Author: allycat0303
I do believe that most of the posts came from a good place. I feel very much, that this is one of the worst times of my life, and I''ve been through a lot of bad times. But having a place that I initially came for for support, to have it thrown in my face is awful.
I feel fragile, vulnerable, and unable to deal with my life or my future anymore. As for tough love, well I actually get a lot of that from my family and the people around me, and I don''t think I can handle anymore. And if as Gypsy so eloquently put it, ''I''m too blame'', well that''s something I have heard a lot too. I don''t think I''ve ever NOT been blamed for nearly everything wrong that has happened to me in my life, my sister''s life and every other family member. This is how my life has always worked. I feel there''s a difference between caring/voicing a strong opinon, and trying to beat someone down. I feel that some of it was the latter. And I am completely exhausted and hopeless. I don''t HAVE a future anymore, so being called a doormat, it''s your fault, victim, added to all the insults that were flung this week in real life. It''s ENOUGH. Thank you to all of you which have been there for me, you know who you are. I don''t think I would have lasted this long with you.

Ally
Click to expand...
Okay, I''m reading this again and I must say that I am very worried Ally.


Does anyone here have the means to contact her in real life????
 
freke does, hugs again to ally. please be ok
 
Ally,
I am not alone in caring about you. Sending you a big big HUG!!! Hope you are ok. xx Lisa
 
Oh Ally! We are all so sorry you feel this way. You are amazing and I wish you could see yourself through other''s eyes. The eyes of those of us who are in awe of your accomplishments, talents, beauty, and potential for future growth.
 
Ally, I also wanted to offer you support.

Although it is no condolence to what you are experiencing, I just want to let you know that your FMIL may never be the same person again after loosing your FFIL. My own mother became a completely different person after my step-father died and it took us years to rebuild our relationship and for me to learn how to deal with the person she became. The same may be true for you and FMIL. I do want to point out, though, that she really will become much less central in your life once the wedding it over. I also think your FI does deeply love you. I just really felt it in his posts while you were in the hospital. He should be better at supporting you, but you really need to be better at supporting yourself more than anything.

Ally, you must learn to love and respect yourself because you really do deserve and are worthy of happiness and respect, but I know this doesn''t come easy. I also don''t believe there is a simple external solution (like postponing the wedding, standing up to FMIL, etc.). It just won''t be that easy. But, just commit to being better to yourself and realizing just how amazing your accomplishments are (just this year alone, you beat death, got a residency, and are going to be working in the field you want--if this doesn''t scream success to you, Ally, I don''t know what will). All of the other stuff if just a battle. In the end, you won''t be in a better place whether you have a champagne toast or not; that is a drop in the bucket. Instead focus on what will make you happier in your own life (and if that happens to be something like canceling the toast, so be it. I just don''t think it is). I will be rooting for you!
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I can''t say more than I have already (elsewhere), but I do want to ditto Katamari. She was far more eloquent than I am.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
 
Don''t be hopeless! You are intelligent (you''re going to be a wonderful doctor!), giving, generous, kind, and loved. You are an amazing person to have gone through everything you have. Don''t give up.

We are thinking of you and hope you''re doing okay.
 
Ally: First of all -- hugs, girl. My heart is aching for you.

I hope you're still reading and if you are, congratulations. That takes a lot of courage.

I don't post on the bridal board that much but I've been around for quite a while, at least back to your tussles with your sister over your original wedding date, so I know some of what's been going on with you.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that we share some of the same background and the same personality traits. I'm speaking as another elder daughter, raised by the very traditional products of two very traditional families. I could be totally wrong here, but I suspect that you, like me, were raised to respect your parents and not question their decisions, for to do so would be disrespectful. You were raised to smooth things over, usually at your expense, rather than resolve issues. You were praised for doing things that made other people happy or proud of you -- doing things because they made you happy was secondary (or even a totally foreign concept). There were no "fair fights" or arguments in your family -- differences were usually "resolved" by someone pulling rank, or just shouting everyone else down, just walking out... or they were swept under the rug.

Actually, I hope I'm all wrong and that none of the above describes you or your family! If it does though, well... you probably never learned much about what good relationships among equals look like, let alone how to make them work. More importantly, you probably don't value yourself enough to really stand up for yourself, no matter how worthwhile and accomplished you may be.

And... if that describes your background at all, then House Cat hit the nail on the head:

We don't choose our partners by accident. We choose a partner that will bring out the same battle that our parents created in us long ago, with the hopes of winning that battle once and for all. In an ideal circumstance, we find a partner that will allow us to win that battle and we are able to heal. In some circumstances, when the battle is so extreme, we find a partner that will not allow us to win the battle, because their issues run too deep (and so do ours.) This is when therapy is needed.

I have no advice to offer with regards to your wedding. I just hope that you will consider exploring your personal "causes and effects" if any of what I wrote rings true to you. One thing I do know. If you and your fiance do get married, you may well be able to keep the marriage together and limping along just by the desire to do so. But to really have a life (and marriage) that sings, you will need to do some of the hard work of figuring out how you got to where you are right now, and to figure out why you are so hard on yourself even though you are clearly a caring and accomplished woman.

Best wishes!
 
Ally, you DO have a future. It might not be the future you envisioned, and it might not play out in a way that you''d hoped, but you have rolled with so many punches in the past--you were fighting for your LIFE in January and you rallied like a champ.

I truly believe that every poster on this thread--even if their words come across harshly--wants the BEST for you, and stands behind you! You are bright, lovely, talented, accomplished, shrewd, funny, and DESERVING of so much more.

I have felt hopeless, exhausted, vulnerbale, confused, fragile, and DONE before. You are NOT alone, Miss Ally. Please PLEASE call someone tomorrow. No matter what you decide to do, you need to talk to someone who can build you up and give you some perspective--whether it''s a therapist, a minister, a family member who doesn''t load up baggage, a friend....please reach out to someone.

Sending you lots of love and hugs. This is going to be ok. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK.
 
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