brooklyngirl
Brilliant_Rock
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How is your relationship with FMIL?
- Thread starter allycat0303
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packrat
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Ally- just wanted to wish you well and ask if there is any way you can see a counselor (alone) in the next few weeks. Us peanuts on the internet can only help so much, your relationships with your family members are complicated, if I recall correctly, and YOU NEED SOMEONE to help you sort out what is in your head.
Because NO WOMAN should be weeks away from her marriage, and say that she knows here future husband will not put her first but she thinks that she can live with it.
There are many things to compromise on life, but this is not one of them. Just read that statement again and ask yourself, if this were someone you loved, is this the kind of compromise you would want them to make?
Traits that are merely annoying prior to marriage can become insufferable after marriage, with repetition and no hope for change. I know you can take a lot of suffering when it comes to family relationships, but, when push comes to shove, there may come a time when you need to be put first. You may not think, now, that you deserve better but you do. Us peanuts can see that and that is why you are getting all these posts. I know you are not certain to have children, but if you did, I cannot think of any worse trait in a father than that he would prioritize others over his wife when they are to be married.
Please don''t go forward without seeing someone to talk this over with. Someone professional, someone focused on you, someone that you can rely on to take the knowledge and observations and rationalizations you have in your head, lay them out in front of you to look at so you can see if this makes any sense.
Because NO WOMAN should be weeks away from her marriage, and say that she knows here future husband will not put her first but she thinks that she can live with it.
There are many things to compromise on life, but this is not one of them. Just read that statement again and ask yourself, if this were someone you loved, is this the kind of compromise you would want them to make?
Traits that are merely annoying prior to marriage can become insufferable after marriage, with repetition and no hope for change. I know you can take a lot of suffering when it comes to family relationships, but, when push comes to shove, there may come a time when you need to be put first. You may not think, now, that you deserve better but you do. Us peanuts can see that and that is why you are getting all these posts. I know you are not certain to have children, but if you did, I cannot think of any worse trait in a father than that he would prioritize others over his wife when they are to be married.
Please don''t go forward without seeing someone to talk this over with. Someone professional, someone focused on you, someone that you can rely on to take the knowledge and observations and rationalizations you have in your head, lay them out in front of you to look at so you can see if this makes any sense.
Linda W
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Kaleigh
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JerseyGrl81
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Mannequin
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FrekeChild
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allycat0303
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Hey everyone,
Sorry I didn''t check in. There wasn''t anything happening. Wednesday was unproductive. Lots of screaming, accusations, crying, went to bed angry. No real attempt at anything. I was actually up late writing to Freke.
He comes home last night acting totally normal. I''m very angry because I feel like he''s trying to sweep it under the rug. I start yelling at him. A lot. He says stuff like, "You''re always yelling at me, can we just not fight." Lots of random yelling, accusations. Calm down a little bit after. He explains to me that when I initially called him to tell him the situation, he was working, stressed etc. He tells me that he talked to his mom immediately after I called him and he said a) It''s not right that you said that to Ally b) She''s made a lot of concessions for this wedding c) Please don''t talk to her or try to convince her of anything regarding the wedding. I don''t want you to talk to her, or try to convince her of ANYTHING. And that moment she denies that she yelled at me, but says she reacted that way because I didn''t explain to her why her granddaughther couldn''t read the passage, and that she didn''t want me to be mad at her, and that she would call me to apologize.
Then he hung up with her and called me. His first words to me were, "Why didn''t you explain it to her properly" He said his mother would call me. I told him I didn''t want to talk to her. I started getting angry because I felt like he was blaming everything on me, he accused me of making trouble, we hung up.
FMIL calls me 4-5 times, but I don''t answer, because I don''t want to deal with this issue.
FMIL calls him back in tears because I don''t answer the phone and he sends me the text message, "She''s crying, Thanks a lot" He says he wrote that because he thinks that I should just answer the phone so she could apologize and we could get over all this. Points out that he hasn''t spoken to FMIL since then, because he''s angry at her, and obviously on my side.
I asked him, IF you really said that to your mother, why didn''t tell me? You could have said that 2 DAYS ago. I accuse him of lying because he knows that I''m going to call off the wedding, and making that up in retrospect. He swears that those were his exact words (on his recently deceased father''s grave). He says I should *KNOW* he''s on my side, because he''s marrying me and he''s put everything in his life (children, career etc.) on hold so I can go after my dream. Why wouldn''t he put me first? I point out that he has accused me of being a troublemaker etc. and he says because I keep yelling at him, and not in reference to FMIL. He feels I should just listen to FMIL''s apology and everything would be fine. I point out that EVERYTHING he has said to me indicates he blames me. He says, "You should know I''m on your side". I point out the MOUNTAIN of evidence to the contrary (all of which you gals know about) and history of crap of him putting others first.
He starts to tell me all of this stuff. I''m sure you remember E (his best friend with the girlfriend who leaves me out),organized a party which once again I wasn''t invited to. I was annoyed, but didn''t bring this up with my boyfriend, other then a sarcastic "Of course I''m not invited." A few days before the party I recieved an invitation from E. Mentioned it to my boyfriend, who just said, "Are you going to come?" I thought E and M had a miraculous change of attitude. He told me last night that E sent me an invitation because he''d called E and explained he wouldn''t go without me, and that they couldn''t keep excluding me. E apologized on behalf of M, and said it wouldn''t happen again. My boyfriend NEVER told me ANY of this. And it was weeks ago.
He also told M that he didn''t think her dress was appropriate for the wedding because only the bride should wear a wedding dress. M said she didn''t know that it was inappropriate. He thought *fake excuse* but he didn''t call her on it. I ask him why he didn''t tell me this and he said, "As long as she doesn''t wear the wedding dress, the problem is solved. Why would you need to know about all the other stuff?"
I point out that if he would have told me he was going to talk to his friends etc., before hand (or after) or given me any indication he was going to do/say stuff then MAYBE I wouldn''t feel like he was ALWAYS putting other people first. He reverts to "you know that you come first, why do I have to tell you?" Also points out that I always say *actions speak louder then words*. I know he''s not lying about the discussion with M. because E did mention that M had to go shopping for another dress.
If he really did stand up for me to his mom, I don''t understand why he didn''t tell me right away. I asked him that question like 20 X last night, and he said, that I yelled at him at every single interaction we''ve had for the past 2 days, there was no coherent discussion (I admit to yelling a lot) I told him I needed to think about all this. Do I believe him that he stood up for me? He points out that if he hadn''t, why did FMIL call me 4-5 times? (even before I had cancelled the reheresal dinner). Is he really just clueless??? Does he really NOT understand me that much?? Or is he just placating me so I go through with the wedding? I''m very confused.
Sometimes I wish you gals just knew us IRL (well except ilovethiswebsite who met him briefly). Then you could tell me if you think he''s just really clueless, or trying to manipulate me. No one in my family or friends is overly concerned about this situation. My sister and mother just think we''re very different types of people and he often says things that I misinterpret. Neither say that he doesn''t put me first (au contraire actually). They say "he''s a man, and therefore limited"
Sorry I didn''t check in. There wasn''t anything happening. Wednesday was unproductive. Lots of screaming, accusations, crying, went to bed angry. No real attempt at anything. I was actually up late writing to Freke.
He comes home last night acting totally normal. I''m very angry because I feel like he''s trying to sweep it under the rug. I start yelling at him. A lot. He says stuff like, "You''re always yelling at me, can we just not fight." Lots of random yelling, accusations. Calm down a little bit after. He explains to me that when I initially called him to tell him the situation, he was working, stressed etc. He tells me that he talked to his mom immediately after I called him and he said a) It''s not right that you said that to Ally b) She''s made a lot of concessions for this wedding c) Please don''t talk to her or try to convince her of anything regarding the wedding. I don''t want you to talk to her, or try to convince her of ANYTHING. And that moment she denies that she yelled at me, but says she reacted that way because I didn''t explain to her why her granddaughther couldn''t read the passage, and that she didn''t want me to be mad at her, and that she would call me to apologize.
Then he hung up with her and called me. His first words to me were, "Why didn''t you explain it to her properly" He said his mother would call me. I told him I didn''t want to talk to her. I started getting angry because I felt like he was blaming everything on me, he accused me of making trouble, we hung up.
FMIL calls me 4-5 times, but I don''t answer, because I don''t want to deal with this issue.
FMIL calls him back in tears because I don''t answer the phone and he sends me the text message, "She''s crying, Thanks a lot" He says he wrote that because he thinks that I should just answer the phone so she could apologize and we could get over all this. Points out that he hasn''t spoken to FMIL since then, because he''s angry at her, and obviously on my side.
I asked him, IF you really said that to your mother, why didn''t tell me? You could have said that 2 DAYS ago. I accuse him of lying because he knows that I''m going to call off the wedding, and making that up in retrospect. He swears that those were his exact words (on his recently deceased father''s grave). He says I should *KNOW* he''s on my side, because he''s marrying me and he''s put everything in his life (children, career etc.) on hold so I can go after my dream. Why wouldn''t he put me first? I point out that he has accused me of being a troublemaker etc. and he says because I keep yelling at him, and not in reference to FMIL. He feels I should just listen to FMIL''s apology and everything would be fine. I point out that EVERYTHING he has said to me indicates he blames me. He says, "You should know I''m on your side". I point out the MOUNTAIN of evidence to the contrary (all of which you gals know about) and history of crap of him putting others first.
He starts to tell me all of this stuff. I''m sure you remember E (his best friend with the girlfriend who leaves me out),organized a party which once again I wasn''t invited to. I was annoyed, but didn''t bring this up with my boyfriend, other then a sarcastic "Of course I''m not invited." A few days before the party I recieved an invitation from E. Mentioned it to my boyfriend, who just said, "Are you going to come?" I thought E and M had a miraculous change of attitude. He told me last night that E sent me an invitation because he''d called E and explained he wouldn''t go without me, and that they couldn''t keep excluding me. E apologized on behalf of M, and said it wouldn''t happen again. My boyfriend NEVER told me ANY of this. And it was weeks ago.
He also told M that he didn''t think her dress was appropriate for the wedding because only the bride should wear a wedding dress. M said she didn''t know that it was inappropriate. He thought *fake excuse* but he didn''t call her on it. I ask him why he didn''t tell me this and he said, "As long as she doesn''t wear the wedding dress, the problem is solved. Why would you need to know about all the other stuff?"
I point out that if he would have told me he was going to talk to his friends etc., before hand (or after) or given me any indication he was going to do/say stuff then MAYBE I wouldn''t feel like he was ALWAYS putting other people first. He reverts to "you know that you come first, why do I have to tell you?" Also points out that I always say *actions speak louder then words*. I know he''s not lying about the discussion with M. because E did mention that M had to go shopping for another dress.
If he really did stand up for me to his mom, I don''t understand why he didn''t tell me right away. I asked him that question like 20 X last night, and he said, that I yelled at him at every single interaction we''ve had for the past 2 days, there was no coherent discussion (I admit to yelling a lot) I told him I needed to think about all this. Do I believe him that he stood up for me? He points out that if he hadn''t, why did FMIL call me 4-5 times? (even before I had cancelled the reheresal dinner). Is he really just clueless??? Does he really NOT understand me that much?? Or is he just placating me so I go through with the wedding? I''m very confused.
Sometimes I wish you gals just knew us IRL (well except ilovethiswebsite who met him briefly). Then you could tell me if you think he''s just really clueless, or trying to manipulate me. No one in my family or friends is overly concerned about this situation. My sister and mother just think we''re very different types of people and he often says things that I misinterpret. Neither say that he doesn''t put me first (au contraire actually). They say "he''s a man, and therefore limited"
cocolaw
Brilliant_Rock
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- Aug 29, 2008
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- 1,370
hi ally! i am new here and haven''t followed many of the threads that probably give your situation history (except that i remember the white dress one). from this post though, it seems like your fiance is switching sides. to even acknowledge that his mother was wrong and that he stood up to her on your behalf seems like major improvement. it''s very different than the attitude he seems like he has had, which was "back up, i don''t want you upsetting mom." obviously the text he sent you was terrible, but he was probably directing some of his annoyance at his mother towards you (they did just get off the phone right?). i also don''t think he was lying about his conversation with his mother-i think he was probably just exhausted and didn''t want to get into all of the details of the conversation. if the details that he has given you make sense, and they don''t seem to conflict with any details he has given you in the past, then my gut is that he is being honest with you. if i were in your shoes, but knowing as little as i do about the situation, i would see how the next few days go. see if he is really working to make things good with you, and also see if his language alienates you or if it puts you and your fiance on the same team. also see if he is apathetic or if he is truly scared sh*tless over the chance that you might call the thing off. i don''t believe that a real mama''s boy would fight to keep you in the midst of all of this drama.
hawaiianorangetree
Ideal_Rock
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Hi Ally
I just wanted to say that i feel the best thing that the both of you can do right now is go and get some counseling ASAP.
You love him and want to stay with him and i get that i really do, but only you can decide if he really is clueless or if he is trying to manipulate you, either way i really feel that you need someone in a proffessional capacity to help you through this. My heart tells me that he really is trying to do the right thing but i think it is going to take more than just the two of you yelling at each other to work this out. To me communication seems to be a major issue here and having a third party to help you both discuss your problems and feelings may be what you guys need.
I just wanted to say that i feel the best thing that the both of you can do right now is go and get some counseling ASAP.
You love him and want to stay with him and i get that i really do, but only you can decide if he really is clueless or if he is trying to manipulate you, either way i really feel that you need someone in a proffessional capacity to help you through this. My heart tells me that he really is trying to do the right thing but i think it is going to take more than just the two of you yelling at each other to work this out. To me communication seems to be a major issue here and having a third party to help you both discuss your problems and feelings may be what you guys need.
KimberlyH
Ideal_Rock
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- Jun 15, 2006
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- 7,485
Ally,
I can see why you are so confused. If, and only if, what he is saying is true, perhaps the two of you just haven''t learned to communicate effectively. But I don''t know him so I don''t know if that is the case. I do know what you share with us here, often, is that he isn''t on your side; but perhaps he is, at least now that the wedding is so close, and he just doesn''t know how to convey that to you. I don''t buy into the "he''s a man, he''s limited" excuse. We''re all limited by who we are and who we allow ourselves to be, it has nothing to do with being male. If he''s not capable of more than what he''s been exhibiting to you than he may not be right for you. If he does stand up for you, choose you, and he just doesn''t know how to convey it and he needs to work on that so you guys don''t continue to have misunderstanding that leave you feeling abandoned by the one person you should be able to rely on. Only you truly know what the truth and the right answer is. Take a day or two to think about it, really think about it. Don''t let anyone push you into having conversations, accept apologies, move forward, until you know for sure that this is what you want. And know we''re all thinking of and pulling for you.
K
I can see why you are so confused. If, and only if, what he is saying is true, perhaps the two of you just haven''t learned to communicate effectively. But I don''t know him so I don''t know if that is the case. I do know what you share with us here, often, is that he isn''t on your side; but perhaps he is, at least now that the wedding is so close, and he just doesn''t know how to convey that to you. I don''t buy into the "he''s a man, he''s limited" excuse. We''re all limited by who we are and who we allow ourselves to be, it has nothing to do with being male. If he''s not capable of more than what he''s been exhibiting to you than he may not be right for you. If he does stand up for you, choose you, and he just doesn''t know how to convey it and he needs to work on that so you guys don''t continue to have misunderstanding that leave you feeling abandoned by the one person you should be able to rely on. Only you truly know what the truth and the right answer is. Take a day or two to think about it, really think about it. Don''t let anyone push you into having conversations, accept apologies, move forward, until you know for sure that this is what you want. And know we''re all thinking of and pulling for you.
K
Porridge
Ideal_Rock
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Hi Ally. I''m so glad to read your last post. I''m so glad to see he is actually thinking of you and putting you first.
Although he does sound a bit clueless! But that''s a lot easier to work on than somebody not treating you right. It sounds like a communication issue and it sounds like it can be worked on. I bet it took quite a lot for him to stand up to his mother, I''m so glad he did that. As for M...maybe in his mind he just doesn''t even see her as important enough to bother having an discussion about!
Still though, assuming all he is saying is true which it sounds like it is to me, he still needs to wake up a bit. He can hardly expect you to stop being upset about something if you have no idea what has been going on.
FI and I had HUGE communication problems that I really thought would end us. But at the bottom of it all, there was really nothing seriously wrong if you know what I mean. We both cared for and loved each other and only wanted the best for each other. We just kept getting wires crossed and getting in huge screaming matches about nothing at all really. But I knew I had a good one, and I knew really he wasn''t trying to hurt me. That''s something you really need to know before you get married. Before your last post I was in the "get out now" camp, but this puts a new spin on it.
Ugh...bottom line, men are idiots. Still no excuse for their behaviour. It''s a tough call honey. We don''t know him, you do, and your family and friends. You know really if there''s a nasty side to him that might be threatening to you. Or if he''s just kinda dumb like all the rest of them
I think getting third party professional help is a great idea. There is nothing wrong with questioning it, it''s a huge life changing commitment coming up ahead. You know we''re here with nothing but the best of intentions whatever happens.
Although he does sound a bit clueless! But that''s a lot easier to work on than somebody not treating you right. It sounds like a communication issue and it sounds like it can be worked on. I bet it took quite a lot for him to stand up to his mother, I''m so glad he did that. As for M...maybe in his mind he just doesn''t even see her as important enough to bother having an discussion about!
Still though, assuming all he is saying is true which it sounds like it is to me, he still needs to wake up a bit. He can hardly expect you to stop being upset about something if you have no idea what has been going on.
FI and I had HUGE communication problems that I really thought would end us. But at the bottom of it all, there was really nothing seriously wrong if you know what I mean. We both cared for and loved each other and only wanted the best for each other. We just kept getting wires crossed and getting in huge screaming matches about nothing at all really. But I knew I had a good one, and I knew really he wasn''t trying to hurt me. That''s something you really need to know before you get married. Before your last post I was in the "get out now" camp, but this puts a new spin on it.
Ugh...bottom line, men are idiots. Still no excuse for their behaviour. It''s a tough call honey. We don''t know him, you do, and your family and friends. You know really if there''s a nasty side to him that might be threatening to you. Or if he''s just kinda dumb like all the rest of them
swimmer
Ideal_Rock
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Oh hugs Ally! We are all thinking of you and hoping for the best possible outcome here.
It has been so hard to read the past year really of neglect and derision that you have endured at the hands of your FI and his mom.
Now, how is he going to show you that he is on your side? Will he pick up your family at the airport so that you can prepare for the wedding? Will he cancel the champagne toast in deference to your wishes? Will he find a brief reading that is appropriate for a child. Will he tell his mother that you are the most important woman in the world to him. THE MOST IMPORTANT. Yes, your FMIL probably feels like she just lost her DH and now is loosing her son. But to feel that way is to deny her child the very happiness that created him and that all humans deserve as part of their life-cycle. She is a tremendously selfish woman (and probably racist to boot), but you should listen to her messages and return her call. But you have done enough of being the bigger person here and she and her son have stomped on you quite enough. This is your last window of opportunity, canceling the wedding is not the worst possible situation. Being married to someone who is not on your team would be agreeing to a life of second-class citizenship and servitude (Monnie said this better than anyone can). You deserve better than that sweetheart and hopefully they have not destroyed your self-esteem so much after years of their abuse that you don''t accept such a small sliver of love as your life story.
It is awesome that your future husband has possibly put you before his friend''s girlfriend...that is a babystep that should have taken place on your third date and you know it. The next steps that he takes are so important, what he did was nice, but not laurels to rest upon.
Oh Ally, hugs and strength to you!
It has been so hard to read the past year really of neglect and derision that you have endured at the hands of your FI and his mom.
Now, how is he going to show you that he is on your side? Will he pick up your family at the airport so that you can prepare for the wedding? Will he cancel the champagne toast in deference to your wishes? Will he find a brief reading that is appropriate for a child. Will he tell his mother that you are the most important woman in the world to him. THE MOST IMPORTANT. Yes, your FMIL probably feels like she just lost her DH and now is loosing her son. But to feel that way is to deny her child the very happiness that created him and that all humans deserve as part of their life-cycle. She is a tremendously selfish woman (and probably racist to boot), but you should listen to her messages and return her call. But you have done enough of being the bigger person here and she and her son have stomped on you quite enough. This is your last window of opportunity, canceling the wedding is not the worst possible situation. Being married to someone who is not on your team would be agreeing to a life of second-class citizenship and servitude (Monnie said this better than anyone can). You deserve better than that sweetheart and hopefully they have not destroyed your self-esteem so much after years of their abuse that you don''t accept such a small sliver of love as your life story.
It is awesome that your future husband has possibly put you before his friend''s girlfriend...that is a babystep that should have taken place on your third date and you know it. The next steps that he takes are so important, what he did was nice, but not laurels to rest upon.
Oh Ally, hugs and strength to you!
Dannielle
Brilliant_Rock
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Ally, I''m sitting here at work (no one else is in the office today) CRYING. I wish with all my heart that you would at least postpone your wedding. So many things about even your last post are so painfully familiar to me that it is almost too hard for me to read. I wasted 7 years total of my life always thinking, "we''ll work this out, we just need counseling, he will change, he is nice sometimes, he says he loves me, blah blah blah" and guess what? He never changed. He expected ME to do all the changing. And I tried to. And I lost MYSELF. Monnie was no longer confident/fun/motivated/friendly/sweet Monnie, she was a woman who was constantly second-guessing herself, looking over her shoulder, wondering if she was doing things the right way, etc. Awful.
We went to premarital counseling. Once. HIS priest told me I''d taken women''s studies in college too seriously. I sat there and cried and watched as my husband-to-be checked off all the questions that said "are you dissatisfied" as Yes''s.
We had terrible fights the week before the wedding. Two days before we got married, he was at his parents'' home and I walked in unannounced and heard them talking about how he didn''t have to go through with the wedding if he didn''t want to. Talk about awkward.
I could go on and on. I don''t know what it was that made me go ahead with my wedding, or what I was thinking even getting involved seriously in the first place with someone who clearly was always going to put his needs and the people in his life before mine, and that was not our worst problem but it was a very basic one and probably the stem of everything else that went wrong for us. He just didn''t see me as an equal. I was someone who he could gain from/benefit by having in his life/another thing to check off the list. I had never been treated like that before and had several serious relationships...so his behavior always had me really confused. Was I really a horrible person and no one had ever told me so before? Or was he really that bad? Was he really asking too much? Why shouldn''t I be so willing to go along with things and let him make the decisions? Why was I even questioning him? Was I even meant to be a wife? What was wrong with me?
Yeah, then I snapped out of it. You asked somewhere in this thread if we thought you were being a b*tch. That, to me, says you''re asking yourself the same questions I asked myself. Do you really want to live your life that way? It''s no fun, I''m telling you.
Sorry, Ally. Rant over. It just really upsets me to see anyone else treated poorly, especially since I''ve been through this crap myself. It sucks.
We went to premarital counseling. Once. HIS priest told me I''d taken women''s studies in college too seriously. I sat there and cried and watched as my husband-to-be checked off all the questions that said "are you dissatisfied" as Yes''s.
We had terrible fights the week before the wedding. Two days before we got married, he was at his parents'' home and I walked in unannounced and heard them talking about how he didn''t have to go through with the wedding if he didn''t want to. Talk about awkward.
I could go on and on. I don''t know what it was that made me go ahead with my wedding, or what I was thinking even getting involved seriously in the first place with someone who clearly was always going to put his needs and the people in his life before mine, and that was not our worst problem but it was a very basic one and probably the stem of everything else that went wrong for us. He just didn''t see me as an equal. I was someone who he could gain from/benefit by having in his life/another thing to check off the list. I had never been treated like that before and had several serious relationships...so his behavior always had me really confused. Was I really a horrible person and no one had ever told me so before? Or was he really that bad? Was he really asking too much? Why shouldn''t I be so willing to go along with things and let him make the decisions? Why was I even questioning him? Was I even meant to be a wife? What was wrong with me?
Yeah, then I snapped out of it. You asked somewhere in this thread if we thought you were being a b*tch. That, to me, says you''re asking yourself the same questions I asked myself. Do you really want to live your life that way? It''s no fun, I''m telling you.
Sorry, Ally. Rant over. It just really upsets me to see anyone else treated poorly, especially since I''ve been through this crap myself. It sucks.
Linda W
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Thritto. Please think about this carefully Ally, you have such a bright future ahead of you as a doctor and surgeon and you deserve the best in all aspects of your life. Marriage won't fix these issues, it will make them a million times worse. Please don't go through with it because you feel it would be easier than cancelling the wedding! Sorry to be totally honest dear but I think a lot of you, always have since I have been here and I care a great deal about your happiness. Things won't somehow change for the better after the wedding, what you have is what you have and that is the way it will be - think very long and hard whether this is what you want sweetheart.
Sometimes in life making a decision isn't crystal clear, in as much as it isn't always so obvious as to what you should do, I am sure you have your good times, your fun times and times when you are really close with your FI, but is all this enough to build a solid marriage and partnership on? Do you know for sure that your FI if he becomes your Husband will be there for you 200%, unconditionally, all the time, for the rest of your life? Because my Husband is for me as I am for him, he always has been and that is what I wish for you - no less.
You have been through so much in a very short space of time Ally, only 6 months ago we were all checking in holding our collective breath for updates on your progress after the accident. Then losing FFIL and other things, give yourself the time you need to decide what you want and what is best for YOU.
Camille
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2009
- Messages
- 452
d
Looks like Mom is going to be part of your lives, if you want that for the next 10-15 years skip counseling and don't produce any children, they don't need to see this--
no body does!!!! I apologize in advance for me being rude: please stop defending him. Sick a professional, if you keep listening to him, you will give in, this is not the norm, sorry to say.
+1
Looks like Mom is going to be part of your lives, if you want that for the next 10-15 years skip counseling and don't produce any children, they don't need to see this--
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2005
- Messages
- 19,495
I just typed out this really long post with some very personal details about the relationship between my ex and MIL, and also about my own mother and father and my father''s relationship with his mother. Pattern, pattern, pattern. Me telling you personal experiences isn''t going to help anything, though. So I won''t, I will just tell you that this is red flag city, sister.
And I''ll say one more thing: if you plan on having kids, know that they will show you the respect your spouse shows you. Seriously. And if you have a daughter? Good luck with that. She''ll learn quickly that she''s only as valuable as you seem to be. Then, she can repeat the pattern.
I know I sound bitter and rude, but I wish somebody''d had the heart to be bitter and rude with me before I got married. Peace.
And I''ll say one more thing: if you plan on having kids, know that they will show you the respect your spouse shows you. Seriously. And if you have a daughter? Good luck with that. She''ll learn quickly that she''s only as valuable as you seem to be. Then, she can repeat the pattern.
I know I sound bitter and rude, but I wish somebody''d had the heart to be bitter and rude with me before I got married. Peace.
brooklyngirl
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Oct 9, 2007
- Messages
- 1,071
Ugh, Ally. Seriously this is bulls**t!
I read your latest post, and with everything he said, HE'S STILL BLAMING YOU. Now it's your fault because you're not a mind reader. Or are you supposed to worship him like he's G-d, believe in every little thing he does, even when every instinct you have is telling you he's not doing right by you? This is your fault again.
If he thinks you should just know out of thin air that he is standing up for you, why didn't HE know how you felt? Where is HIS apology for what he's put you through just this year? It's so funny that he thinks you care about some stupid party invitation, or some skank's dress. He doesn't understand that you care about HIS response to all this? He could have told you what he did, but he chose not to. Instead he chose to make you believe that it's your fault. That is NO miscommunication.
He wants you to hear his mother's apology and accept it? That would make everything go away? Maybe for him, but not for you. Interesting thing about apologies -- they're not always heard or accepted. This is why people need to think about their BEFORE they hurt someone. No sympathy for Mommy's crying or FI's.
Oh and boo friggin' hoo about you yelling at FI. What are you supposed to do? At every turn he shows you that he doesn't care about your feelings, that you come second, and sh!ts on you in general. Are you supposed to sit there like a good little 2nd class citizen, kissing his a$$ for doing you the favor of marrying you? What is the thought process behind this? How low must your self esteem be to not react to what he's doing at all?
Ally, please, please, please at least postpone the wedding. Get this resolved before committing your entire life to this man. You're hanging on by a thread, and the next small slight that comes your way, is going to cause the same type of reaction.
I read your latest post, and with everything he said, HE'S STILL BLAMING YOU. Now it's your fault because you're not a mind reader. Or are you supposed to worship him like he's G-d, believe in every little thing he does, even when every instinct you have is telling you he's not doing right by you? This is your fault again.
If he thinks you should just know out of thin air that he is standing up for you, why didn't HE know how you felt? Where is HIS apology for what he's put you through just this year? It's so funny that he thinks you care about some stupid party invitation, or some skank's dress. He doesn't understand that you care about HIS response to all this? He could have told you what he did, but he chose not to. Instead he chose to make you believe that it's your fault. That is NO miscommunication.
He wants you to hear his mother's apology and accept it? That would make everything go away? Maybe for him, but not for you. Interesting thing about apologies -- they're not always heard or accepted. This is why people need to think about their BEFORE they hurt someone. No sympathy for Mommy's crying or FI's.
Oh and boo friggin' hoo about you yelling at FI. What are you supposed to do? At every turn he shows you that he doesn't care about your feelings, that you come second, and sh!ts on you in general. Are you supposed to sit there like a good little 2nd class citizen, kissing his a$$ for doing you the favor of marrying you? What is the thought process behind this? How low must your self esteem be to not react to what he's doing at all?
Ally, please, please, please at least postpone the wedding. Get this resolved before committing your entire life to this man. You're hanging on by a thread, and the next small slight that comes your way, is going to cause the same type of reaction.
brooklyngirl
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Oct 9, 2007
- Messages
- 1,071
As to the cluelessness... please realize that you''re talking about him as if he''s developmentally... err.. slow.
It boils down to this: Your FI is an abusive, manipulative a$$hat at worst, and complete moron at best. Why do you want to marry either?
Ally, I know this post and my last one were probably rude, but I am so angry on your behalf.
It boils down to this: Your FI is an abusive, manipulative a$$hat at worst, and complete moron at best. Why do you want to marry either?
Ally, I know this post and my last one were probably rude, but I am so angry on your behalf.
packrat
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2008
- Messages
- 10,614
princesss
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2007
- Messages
- 8,035
Brooklyn girl, you took every feeling I have about that conversation and put it into words. Thank you.
Ally, I don''t understand why he''s not willing to SHOW you that he''s putting you first. He''s still talking as if you need to change for him to be happy, but where is his effort to make you happy and confident in the relationship?
If it were me, I''d walk away. He may be a wonderful guy, but I think every person on this planet deserves somebody that shows them how much they are loved. Somebody who makes it crystal clear where they stand. You''ve heard many of us say that there is no doubt in our minds that our SOs would put us first. Since the day we got together, my BF has given me absolutely no reason to not trust him, and to not trust the sincerety of his words or my importance in his life. I think many of us in relationships like that are dumbfounded when we hear your reports of your FI''s behaviour. Because we know what it''s like to be treated like we''re important and special, and I think many of us don''t see that in his actions.
I talked this over with my BF (a lot of times I''ll bring PS issues to him and ask for his advice/comments), and I said, "It seems like nothing in [your FI''s] behaviour says ''I respect you and I want to marry you.''" He looked at me and said, "Honey, none of that behaviour says, ''I respect you OR I want to marry you.''" It made me so sad, Ally, because you''re such a sweet woman who deserves so much.
Please think long and hard about what will make you happy (preferably with a counselor/therapist who can help you sort it out). Not what you can live with, but what will make you HAPPY in the long term. And then, whatever it is, go for it.
Ally, I don''t understand why he''s not willing to SHOW you that he''s putting you first. He''s still talking as if you need to change for him to be happy, but where is his effort to make you happy and confident in the relationship?
If it were me, I''d walk away. He may be a wonderful guy, but I think every person on this planet deserves somebody that shows them how much they are loved. Somebody who makes it crystal clear where they stand. You''ve heard many of us say that there is no doubt in our minds that our SOs would put us first. Since the day we got together, my BF has given me absolutely no reason to not trust him, and to not trust the sincerety of his words or my importance in his life. I think many of us in relationships like that are dumbfounded when we hear your reports of your FI''s behaviour. Because we know what it''s like to be treated like we''re important and special, and I think many of us don''t see that in his actions.
I talked this over with my BF (a lot of times I''ll bring PS issues to him and ask for his advice/comments), and I said, "It seems like nothing in [your FI''s] behaviour says ''I respect you and I want to marry you.''" He looked at me and said, "Honey, none of that behaviour says, ''I respect you OR I want to marry you.''" It made me so sad, Ally, because you''re such a sweet woman who deserves so much.
Please think long and hard about what will make you happy (preferably with a counselor/therapist who can help you sort it out). Not what you can live with, but what will make you HAPPY in the long term. And then, whatever it is, go for it.
Lauren8211
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2008
- Messages
- 11,073
Ally, honey, I''m so sorry. This must be heartbreaking for you.
As another survivor of a terrible, manipulative relationship, I must support the suggestion that you fix this problem BEFORE you walk down the aisle.
Does it really make sense that he can make you feel those terrible, awful feelings and explain them away in 5 minutes? It''s not just a misunderstanding on your part. He makes you FEEL this way! It doesn''t matter what he says that he does or says that he doesn''t. You feel AWFUL. You feel like he doesn''t care, you feel like he stands up for everyone but you, and you feel like you''re always wrong. He rationalizes everything he does, and blames you and your outrageous feelings or your inability to understand.
I''ve been through that. SO have many others, like Monny for example. He trivializes you. He has never made any effort to build your trust and confidence in the relationship. All he does is explain himself. Ever. Thats all he''s ever done!
This is how manipulative relationships work. They crush you and your self esteem, and they make you wait by for any little nugget of love that he throws your way, whenever he feels like throwing it.
Stop collecting nuggets, and get help so that you don''t ever have to question his love again. Or move on. Your choice.
Sorry... this much heartache for one person, and everything you''ve been through, that''s no misunderstanding. It''s just not.
As another survivor of a terrible, manipulative relationship, I must support the suggestion that you fix this problem BEFORE you walk down the aisle.
Does it really make sense that he can make you feel those terrible, awful feelings and explain them away in 5 minutes? It''s not just a misunderstanding on your part. He makes you FEEL this way! It doesn''t matter what he says that he does or says that he doesn''t. You feel AWFUL. You feel like he doesn''t care, you feel like he stands up for everyone but you, and you feel like you''re always wrong. He rationalizes everything he does, and blames you and your outrageous feelings or your inability to understand.
I''ve been through that. SO have many others, like Monny for example. He trivializes you. He has never made any effort to build your trust and confidence in the relationship. All he does is explain himself. Ever. Thats all he''s ever done!
This is how manipulative relationships work. They crush you and your self esteem, and they make you wait by for any little nugget of love that he throws your way, whenever he feels like throwing it.
Stop collecting nuggets, and get help so that you don''t ever have to question his love again. Or move on. Your choice.
Sorry... this much heartache for one person, and everything you''ve been through, that''s no misunderstanding. It''s just not.
oobiecoo
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Sep 10, 2007
- Messages
- 2,267
I'm going to say that it really does seem as if there is some miscommunication here about feelings and how to handle situations. He sounds like he genuinely cares for you but doesn't understand your need to actually HEAR that he is putting you first. And you can't know unless he flat out tells you. I think counseling would be very beneficial... or at the very least doing some communication exercises together with no yelling, no blaming. And things don't have to be perfect before the wedding, but they do need to be progressing positively. I'm hoping and praying that the two of you can figure things out!
NovemberBride
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2006
- Messages
- 962
Ally,
I have read many of your posts over the last few years. Please do not take this the wrong way, but the thought I have after reading almost every post is that this woman needs to learn to stand up for herself and get some self-esteem. You seem like a wonderful person who wants to make everyone happy and in order to do so, you continually compromise what you want and believe in. However, it is evident from your posts on this board that this makes you a very unhappy person. Until you learn to grow a backbone and stand up for yourself and what you want out of life, I don''t think you are ever going to be happy. Whether it is your family, FI''s family and friends or FI, you need to learn to be able to voice your opinions and feelings instead of bottling it up inside. Doing so won''t make you a bad or mean person, it will make you a happier person. I think the suggestion of counseling is a great one. You are obviously an incredibly intelligent grown woman, so do yourself a favor and learn to act like one!
I have read many of your posts over the last few years. Please do not take this the wrong way, but the thought I have after reading almost every post is that this woman needs to learn to stand up for herself and get some self-esteem. You seem like a wonderful person who wants to make everyone happy and in order to do so, you continually compromise what you want and believe in. However, it is evident from your posts on this board that this makes you a very unhappy person. Until you learn to grow a backbone and stand up for yourself and what you want out of life, I don''t think you are ever going to be happy. Whether it is your family, FI''s family and friends or FI, you need to learn to be able to voice your opinions and feelings instead of bottling it up inside. Doing so won''t make you a bad or mean person, it will make you a happier person. I think the suggestion of counseling is a great one. You are obviously an incredibly intelligent grown woman, so do yourself a favor and learn to act like one!
FrekeChild
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2007
- Messages
- 19,456
My heart hurts for you Ally. I have so much more to say, but right now I don''t have the time to say it.
Just know that I am so mad for you. He has done so much to tear you down, and I''m disgusted that he''s now dangling a carrot in front of you--this tiny ounce of hope after the past 13 years with tons of despair.
If you leave, you aren''t throwing away 13 years. You''re reclaiming your life.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGE HUGE HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Just know that I am so mad for you. He has done so much to tear you down, and I''m disgusted that he''s now dangling a carrot in front of you--this tiny ounce of hope after the past 13 years with tons of despair.
If you leave, you aren''t throwing away 13 years. You''re reclaiming your life.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGE HUGE HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
JSM
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 17, 2008
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