I am an ungrateful brat...HELP!

[Secret Sparkle]

Okay, here''s the deal...

I wasn''t supposed to go looking for the stone/ring or anything, but I was getting frustrated and in a moment of weakness, I did. (He knows that I know where he is keeping it)

Diamond was gorgeous as usual, but still not set. No big surprise, there. He told me as much.

I decided to look at the appraisal too, to see what value he gave it and if he made any comments about how perfect it is

. And...

The stone was not the only thing on the appraisal! There is a setting listed as well. A 14k gold four prong setting with diamonds of some kind.

Now here''s the part where I hate myself:

A. I am disappointed that I ruined a surprise that he was trying to plan.
and worse...
B. I am disappointed that it is not platinum (is it even WG? doesn''t say, I don''t think) and not a bezel setting.


I don''t know what to do with myself!

"Shhhhhhh. I''m undercover, but you should be able to figure it out"

 

[fatafelice]

I can certainly sympathize

.

 

[decodelighted]

Maybe he''s gonna propose with a "temp" setting & let you choose?????

 

[meepcat]

Date: 4/24/2006 8:13:03 PM
Author:Secret Sparkle
A. I am disappointed that I ruined a surprise that he was trying to plan. and worse...
B. I am disappointed that it is not platinum (is it even WG? doesn''t say, I don''t think) and not a bezel setting.

Try not to retaliate when I respond to this. It''s just my opinion.

Get over your disappointment. It''s just a ring. The surprise factor is up to you two, so you shouldn''t feel ashamed. After all, after divulging all the details of its presence, it seems to me that the surprise aspect was not as crucial to the two of you. IMHO, he''ll probably be relieved to gain more feedback about what you want, if you tell him which setting you want. Imagine your reaction to seeing the gold setting, and then his reaction when you tell him, I love it, but.... Therefore, communicate!

There will be worse things that may cause more justified distress than your ring.

 

[Secret Sparkle]

Deco, I''m hoping that is what is going on, but why would a temp setting be on the appraisal with the stone? Especially if it isn''t actually set?!

Meepcat, I completely appreciate your opinion. "Get over it" is exactly what I have been trying to convince myself for the past 4 hours.

A little background...He KNOWS I don''t want YG, so I can only assume that it means WG. But I also thought he knew that I wanted platinum. Beyond that, I was going to get a custom WF setting and had sent him tons of pics in case he wanted to be in charge of that himself. Now this? I am really confused. I''d be pleased if he undertook the setting himself, but I really wanted platinum and a bezel set center stone, and he knew that.

In a way, I am glad to know in advance so that I won''t have to deal "in the moment" with finding out about the non-platinum ring. Prongs I can deal with fine.

 

[Secret Sparkle]

So do I tell him I looked at the appraisal and ask about the setting? Or play dumb and try to enjoy the new ring when it comes?

 

[meepcat]

Date: 4/24/2006 8:37:37 PM
Author: Secret Sparkle
A little background...He KNOWS I don''t want YG, so I can only assume that it means WG. But I also thought he knew that I wanted platinum. Beyond that, I was going to get a custom WF setting and had sent him tons of pics in case he wanted to be in charge of that himself. Now this? I am really confused. I''d be pleased if he undertook the setting himself, but I really wanted platinum and a bezel set center stone, and he knew that.
In a way, I am glad to know in advance so that I won''t have to deal ''in the moment'' with finding out about the non-platinum ring. Prongs I can deal with fine.

Here''s my opinion: keep it simple.

Get a post-it, write down what you want, put on top of the appraisal cert, or visible in the area where the ring is. Don''t say anything else, don''t question him, trust that he''ll read the post-it. Let it go, after that.

It is not necessary to have overt communication about something that he clearly has gotten mostly right. Besides, if you are unpleasantly surprised later, you can reset the stone in the setting of your choice.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/24/2006 8:37:37 PM
Author: Secret Sparkle
Deco, I'm hoping that is what is going on, but why would a temp setting be on the appraisal with the stone? Especially if it isn't actually set?!

Well...I don't mean one of those pincher things ... but a real 14kt white gold solitare setting that costs a couple hundred dollars and IS set with the stone ... but only temporarily until you can choose (and coordinate the custom job??)

Would that ever happen? (Or could you MAKE him think that's his plan - even if he doesn't know it yet

)


ETA: NO NO NO ...don't confess ANYTHING. Let him suprise you & work it all out later. No post-its. No talking. GEEZ!!!!

..of course IMHO blah blah blah.

 

[JulieN]

Plat prices are sky high right now.

 

[Secret Sparkle]

Date: 4/24/2006 8:40:55 PM
Author: meepcat

Here''s my opinion: keep it simple.

Get a post-it, write down what you want, put on top of the appraisal cert, or visible in the area where the ring is. Don''t say anything else, don''t question him, trust that he''ll read the post-it. Let it go, after that.

It is not necessary to have overt communication about something that he clearly has gotten mostly right. Besides, if you are unpleasantly surprised later, you can reset the stone in the setting of your choice.

Hmmmm...I will consider this approach.

I''m just concerned that he is going to be disappointed that I ruined the "surprise" he was secretly planning (I have been expecting a temp setting) and even more disappointed that I don''t like it.

 

[decodelighted]

NO NO NO ...don''t confess ANYTHING. Let him suprise you & work it all out later. No post-its. No talking. GEEZ!!!!

..of course IMHO blah blah blah.

 

[Secret Sparkle]

Deco -- I thought that is what I was going to get (like a tiffany four prong), but the appraisal says this setting has diamonds (I hesitate to give too much info away, but it says 2.9 tcw and my stone is less than half of that!) So not a cheap setting that will be easily replaced.

Julie -- I thought of that, but if that''s the case, I don''t know why he wouldn''t just go with something simple. I offered to pay for the setting anyway.

Another Question: If the diamond is not actually set (which it is not), how does it end up with a setting on the appraisal that was done last week?!

 

[Mara]

lol

i gotta agree, do not do the post-it thing...

my guy is great but he''d be peeved if i left a POST IT on the appraisal going ''why isn''t this platinum'' or ''i wanted platinum'' or whatever. i''d be lucky if he proposed after that.

just chill out and let him do his thing. you can always fix it later...

 

[meepcat]

I''m selfish. I want what I want. If I find it''s not what I want, I''ll be unhappy. This has nothing to do with me as a person, this is akin to my SO buying me a pair of shoes. If the color is wrong, I will want him to return it, and get the right colour. The comprehensive element of surprise, for me, personally, is not as important getting it right, and being mostly surprised when it happens.

IMHO, do the post-it, and then think about something else. If he wants to talk about it later, he can, but you can''t control how he thinks. Besides, he''s a guy -- you''re thinking he''ll act like a girl and be "sensitive" about this.

 

[Mara]

i like what i want when i like it too. that's why i worked with my guy to get a ring we both loved....that was the only way it could work for me.

but if someone is not doing that and he is choosing things on his own? well then that's another issue, not solved with just slapping a post-it on it.

secret, if you are worried about the expensive setting that can't be taken back later....and if you want to be involved then you have to speak to him about it and cop to what you did and say you'd like to be involved or at least be sure he knows what you want. if he tells you he knows what he's doing, well then.

proceed with caution.

newsflash, on the ring thing some guys are really sensitive about it. which should be respected.

 

[Scooba]

Date: 4/24/2006 8:42:05 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/24/2006 8:37:37 PM

Author: Secret Sparkle

Deco, I''m hoping that is what is going on, but why would a temp setting be on the appraisal with the stone? Especially if it isn''t actually set?!

Well...I don''t mean one of those pincher things ... but a real 14kt white gold solitare setting that costs a couple hundred dollars and IS set with the stone ... but only temporarily until you can choose (and coordinate the custom job??)


Would that ever happen? (Or could you MAKE him think that''s his plan - even if he doesn''t know it yet

)



ETA: NO NO NO ...don''t confess ANYTHING. Let him suprise you & work it all out later. No post-its. No talking. GEEZ!!!!

..of course IMHO blah blah blah.

I would go with this idea..when you get it you can be like "oh I''m glad you just got a temp setting so we can work on getting the one I want together"

I agree that not talking about it and waiting until you get it would be better

 

[Secret Sparkle]

Meepcat, I totally agree with where you are coming from -- I get to wear it forever and I want it to be a certain way.

But I KNOW he will be sensitive about this.

Last time he bought me a surprise jewelry gift, I asked him to return it and he has not bought me such since. (that was 5 years ago)

If he really did this, he must absolutely believe that it is something I will love and he must be so proud to have done it himself.

I am proud of him too -- though a little confused -- and I cannot crush that.

I agree that I am going to have to wait and see, then deal.

 

[JulieN]

Well...it puzzles me why a setting is listed but the diamond is not set. Maybe he bought the diamond from a private party, but did not buy the setting with it. Was the appraisal recent?

I would not be concerned about a "second-hand" diamond...we have no idea about the history of diamonds.

 

[Scooba]

Oh nevermind, I guess I thought it was a plain gold setting

 

[Secret Sparkle]

Julie -- I know the stone is perfect -- I picked it out

! Un-set. And I know he got the appraisal last week. And the stone is currently un-set.

So where''s this mounting?!?!

 

[decodelighted]

Hmmmm. Mysterious. If the stone is not set ... could it be a band he had appraised at the same time?? Maybe an heirloom piece he wants you to have?

 

[meepcat]

Date: 4/24/2006 8:59:23 PM
Author: Secret Sparkle
Meepcat, I totally agree with where you are coming from -- I get to wear it forever and I want it to be a certain way.


But I KNOW he will be sensitive about this.

Last time he bought me a surprise jewelry gift, I asked him to return it and he has not bought me such since. (that was 5 years ago)

If he really did this, he must absolutely believe that it is something I will love and he must be so proud to have done it himself.

I am proud of him too -- though a little confused -- and I cannot crush that.

I agree that I am going to have to wait and see, then deal.

Hm. I''m going to have an opinion on this. Mostly because this echoes my own experience with my SO.

He bought me an xmas gift, and I was sensitive about his timing, since his usually shops at the last minute. As it turns out, we had a big fight on xmas eve, with him sleeping on the couch, and misunderstanding my concerns. Eventually we talked this through, and he understood that the element of surprise was very evident.

Now this brings me to our situation with the engagement ring: we had a big argument about that last week, mostly because I couldn''t trust he''d remember all the details that I had in my research, and would find something that I likely wouldn''t enjoy. He told me pointedly, "I need all the information you can give me about what you want, and I need you to trust in me to do the right thing. I need you to have confidence in me." So I handed everything over to him, and now, I''m waiting.

His insecurities are not your problem. However, if you have been sending him signals of micromanagement, then he will be more sensitive, and of course, the post-it idea may not work in your favor, despite the productive intentions. Regarding the 5-year ago jewelry purchase, did he tell you that''s why he doesn''t buy you surprise jewelry anymore? That seems like an extreme action to me -- a compromise would be discussing this, and then the both of you relenting from your positions such that he feels inclined to surprise you again. Besides, it puts so much undue pressure on a person "to get it right the first time." But since he knows you know about the ring, I can''t understand how he would take more information from you as a personal affront.

 

[Secret Sparkle]

Date: 4/24/2006 9:07:40 PM
Author: decodelighted
Hmmmm. Mysterious. If the stone is not set ... could it be a band he had appraised at the same time?? Maybe an heirloom piece he wants you to have?

Maybe, but I doubt it -- not many heirlooms in either of our families.

And the setting and the stone are literally appraised on the same page and only one value is given for both! But I know it isn''t set!

 

[decodelighted]

Well .... here''s hoping you LOVE THE HELL out of it!

And, based on the gift history -- I''m thinking ya might wanna act like you do even if you don''t. At least for a while! For his ego, yes ... but also if ya ever want to get a gift again

.

Man I hope you truly do love it (and that he gets it set quick & suprises you soon)

NO NO NO on the pre-talk & confession though. You KNOW he wants to suprise you. What''s DONE is DONE. He already HAS it. Let nature take its course!

Squeeze!!!!

 

[Secret Sparkle]

Meepcat -- I''m not sure I can answer to everything, but mostly I think he will be upset simply because I *don''t* expect a surprise and he is never able to surprise me, so he must have put a lot of thought into this. I know that incident made him scared to ever buy me jewelry again -- he has said as much. It was a big deal at the time...long story.

I think it would make him happy to be able to surprise me...and the proposal is his moment too, right?

If the setting has been appraised, then it is probably a done deal, Right? It is probably also a custom job. So no easy changes.

I guess I have to learn to deal with WG. At least prongs will make my stone easier to clean!

 

[Secret Sparkle]

Date: 4/24/2006 9:20:17 PM
Author: decodelighted
Well .... here''s hoping you LOVE THE HELL out of it!

And, based on the gift history -- I''m thinking ya might wanna act like you do even if you don''t. At least for a while! For his ego, yes ... but also if ya ever want to get a gift again

.

Man I hope you truly do love it (and that he gets it set quick & suprises you soon)

NO NO NO on the pre-talk & confession though. You KNOW he wants to suprise you. What''s DONE is DONE. He already HAS it. Let nature take its course!

Squeeze!!!!

Agreed, Deco!

Thanks you guys! I have been going out of my mind and I tried to talk to a friend, but she had nothing to offer me -- I think she just thinks I am crazy.

A few posts from ya''ll and I feel a lot better.

I am prepared to be pleasantly surprised...I just hope it is SOON!

And now, I think I am feeling more myself! (Thanks, Irina!)

 

[indecisive]

Another vote for NO post-it!!! I think that would be a really insensitive way to deal with it. I am sorry but the ring is not the most important thing about the proposal. Everyone could get themselves a diamond ring if that is all that mattered. I would wait and see what it looks like and maybe down the line say I love the surprise and thought you put into my ring. I was thinking about having it set with a gemstone to give to our future daughter, whatever but maybe we could look at settings together blah blah blah. I really feel if I was a guy about to propose and my gf left a post-it saying she was unhappy with what I picked out I would really rethink proposing. I really think you should give it time and see what happens and talk openly and honestly when the time comes. Also, if you truly love him his insecurities are your issues. How would you feel if he left a post-it note on your clothes saying oh I really think you should be a size 2? You want the ring because you love him so you should think about his feelings!

P.S. I wish I knew where my bf was hiding my ring!!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/24/2006 9:57:17 PM
Author: indecisive
How would you feel if he left a post-it note on your clothes saying oh I really think you should be a size 2?

Soda. Squirt. Nose. Hurts.

 

[ilovesparkles]

OK here is my little guess. Wouldn''t it be easier to appraise the stone and ring before having it set? So he did this and will get it set soon. And my first thought was also the price of platinum. EVen though you offered to pay for it, he probably wants to do it all on his own. Let him surprise you, deal with what happens. But for the love of humanity I hope it is perfect! Or you at least are shocked at how much you love the setting!

 

[meepcat]

I think the ring-post-it comparison to the size-2-post-it doesn''t really fit. To each their own. Still, men do not think like women. Getting back to simplicity: don''t worry, be happy!