I am an ungrateful brat...HELP!

[Caribou]

Date: 4/26/2006 3:25:48 PM
Author: klavigne
. If you really love this guy you'd take a ring from a cracker-jack box and be happy as hell about it.

Typical man not understanding a woman's side response.

Have you not ever, in your entire life time been disappointed by a gift? Did that make you care less for the person who gave the disappointing gift?? I doubt it. Being disappointed by a gift doesn't make you love someone (regardless of what the gift was and meant) any less...the only thing that it does is make you disappointed.

Most girls have lived their lives dreaming about their wedding, including the ring. I remember when I was in HS or maybe even Jr high and I saw a ring that I thought was GORGEOUS....it was probably in total about 3 cts. Did I get my 3ct ring...H*LL NO, not even close. Do I love my FI any less because of it. F*** NO! What I find more disappointing is when a guy and his woman are involved together in the ring process and the guy still manages to not get the right ring.

If they would just listen....things like that wouldn't happen. But I find that most guys are too pig-headed to understand how much a ring means to a girl and that HIS idea of a ring seemt to trump hers. Some girls want what they want and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that!

 

[klavigne]

Caribou,
Yes I have, we all have. But I always say how much I like it anyway. That''s how Momma raised me. Id never in a million years go looking around for gifts, then when I found it, tell the giver they really should have bought me xxx. That would floor me!
Your right, "Some girls want what they want and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that" That''s just life. But you know what, when I want something I buy it for myself!!! That way I''m sure to get what I want. A gift is a gift!
This is the age old battle of the sexes here. Who''s right, I''m not stupid so I''ll say all of you are. But I guess if what you want is worth it to you now matter the cost, then that is your prerogative. I''ll just say this one more time for those not listening or not want to hear it. THIS IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!!!! HE HAS FEELINGS TOO!!!!

 

[Secret Sparkle]

Okay.....breathe.....

Klavigne, I am trying to consider your point of view, but I don''t think attacking me, particularly when you don''t seem to have actually read all of my posts, is quite the way to go about presenting your own opinion. I can say that I understand how some men, in the situation you envision, would be so upset. But luckily my BF is not like you and that is not our situation.

I have said before ... He honestly wouldn''t be surprised, and likely wouldn''t care, that I looked at the stone/appraisal. Since you don''t know anything about our realtionship, let me fill you in. He knows exactly who I am -- I would hope so since he seems to be planning on marring me. He knows me better than anyone else in this world. And he loves me just the way I am. Even the part where I am horribly impatient and always ruin my own surprises. He loves to tease me about this and is, in fact, greatly enjoying taunting and teasing me about this ring and situation. He knows I know where the ring is and he also knows I spend a lot of time in this house when he is not here. If he REALLY didn''t want me to look at the stone, he''d have put it somewhere else. Do I understand his recent behavior -- i.e. leaving the stone there, asking me not to look, but then teasing me about it -- no, I don''t. But that''s part of the suspense and the fun of our relationship, I guess.

I''d also like to adress the other part of your opinion, the part where you seem to think I am some sort of materialistic baby, even though I hardly have to justify myself to you. But, just so you have all the facts, I told my BF months ago that I would be more than happy with a much less expensive eternity ring for now or that I would pay for all/part of the ring, if he wanted me to, as he was having trouble saving. He turned down both ideas. I could tell that his pride and his desire for me to have a certain ind of ring, would not allow him to do that. I can tell that he also loves the stone that we got and will be proud to give it to me.

Furthermore, I posted this to get help and advice on how to deal with my own dissapointment. I am disappointed that the ring will not be platinum. I''m not going to lie to myself about that. But if you have read my posts, you will see that I have already stated that I am not going to tell my BF that -- or at least not in the immediate future. My problem is in not understanding WHY he apparently made that decision, when we had previously agreed on something else. That being said, I am prepared to see what the future ring box brings and hope for the best.

Finally, do you consider your own girlfriend a "beggar," who should just be grateful that you have deigned to make an honest woman out of her? No? Then please do not address me, or any other woman on this forum, as such.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 4/26/2006 4:15:50 PM
Author: klavigne

THIS IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!!!! HE HAS FEELINGS TOO!!!!

I totally agree with this.. I have to admit, when my Fi and I decided that we go look at rings, I wanted what I wanted but he said just what you said but in this way ''if I have to look at the ring too, I have the right to like it'' he was absolutely right. I was disappointed at first because all I really wanted was a simple solitare....oh wait that''s not true, I wanted one of those Halo rings....but he didn''t like it, it didn''t look ''engagement ringy'' to him (please all Halo ladies take no offense I don''t agree with him

) I was admittedly disappointed and he did tell me that if I really wanted it he would get it for me. But I wanted to make him happy as well...so we continued looking. Luckily for the both of us we had similar tastes and what one didn''t necessarily ''love'' ended looking awesome with what that one did like. Make sense?

IMO, I think when looking for a ring a guy needs to have his thoughts on what he wants (unless of course he really doesn''t care) and know his ladies thoughts and if possible combine the two. The two peeps need to collabrate together...this ''I want it to be a total surprise'' garbage needs to stop!

 

[fire&ice]

Just something to consider - you''ve stated what you want - but that''s now and in the present. What he picks out may be something that he really likes & you may grow to love. I wanted a three stone ring - they were new fangled back in the early 80''s. He thought nothing say engagement more than a simple solitaire. That''s what he bought. He was correct. Everyone knew it was an engagement ring. Some were confused by a friend''s three stone.

That said, he bought me a vintage piece of jewelry that didn''t really look like anything I wore. I was disappointed because I didn''t think he took into consideration what "my" style was. That piece of jewelry is one of my favorites. I love the style - just never considered buying it!

So, if you think he will be slighted by you not wanting what he picked out, just enjoy the surprise & it may grow on you. Though totally clueless, guys do have sensitive little souls.

 

[Secret Sparkle]

So now I (and others) must not love our significant others because we care about something that we are going to look at for the rest of our lives looks like?

My BF knows full well that I like jewelry and that I am particular in my tastes. I do have dreams of being a jewelry designer after all. My BF also loves me and wants me to be happy. As such, he has always said that he wants me to have a ring that will appeal to me and make me happy to wear it for the rest of my life, as neither of us really want to change rings/stones in the future.

While I think the ring is important, I have NEVER said or implied that it is more important than my future marriage or my BF's feelings. That's why I came here to vent and figure out a way to move on. I'm not perfect, but I am trying to do the right thing.

Also, this is a jewelry forum. That is what we are here to talk about. So if I want to be upset about a piece of jewelry, it is just one part of my life and my relationship, not the whole picture.

ETA: The engagement and the marriage are not all about me. We are a team. But the ring itself is all about me, and if you asked my BF he would tell you the same. He could care less what it looks like, as long as I love it.

 

[Secret Sparkle]

Good point, F&I. I am sure that I will like the ring. I think he has a good idea of my style and has pretty goo taste himself. I just wanted platinum because I wanted something that would require less maintence and hold up better over time.

 

[klavigne]

Fire,
So elegant as per usual..... You are the most eloquent writer I know, you seem to have a knack for writing things the way the are meant to be interpreted. That being said, yes us pea-brained guys do have sensitive little souls and we all want to believe that we are special little snow flakes. We really do want our women to be happy with what we take a loooong time picking out for you. When your not our fragile little egos pop!! So that’s why my warning was to trend lightly.
I''m glad you learned to love your piece, I''m sure that means a ton to your SO, he must hold his head high know that he "done good" by you.
Peace to you all, I hope things work out for the best in the end!

 

[Secret Sparkle]

Klavigne, I don''t think almost anyone here would disagree with your main, "tread lightly," recommendation. Most posters had already said the same basic thing. Perhaps if you had simply stated it in that manner to begin with, our feathers wouldn''t have gotten so ruffled.

 

[AmberWaves]

Secret, I totally understand where you are coming from. When Klavigne said that if he wanted something so badly, he'd buy it, DUH! She OFFERED to buy it. Lordy..

So it's not all about pouting and saying you didn't get what you wanted. It's about helping him in as many ways possible to find her "perfect" (for her) ring, then to find- albeit not the least sneakiest way possible, but whatever- that he didn't listen to what she had wanted. It made her feel like he may have not been considering her likes in that situation. And come on, Klavigne, every girl has her ideal ring, but it doesn't mean she EXPECTS it. And anyway, are you POSITIVE your girl doesn't think this way? I dunno. Awfully sure of yourself.

ETA: F&I, I agree with that as well, I know I have some jewelry inherited from my grandmother, that at first I was like, "She WORE this?" But now her wedding ring is a treasure for me, I plan on wearing it somehow on my wedding.

 

[klavigne]

Hey Amber,
I never intended for anyone to get so upset over a chuck of coal. I just wanted you all to consider that there is another person involved here, doesn''t what he wants matter? Doesn''t he have any say?
My girl isn''t a diamond whore like I am. I was blessed at a young age to be left with about two dozen stone from my grandmother. Being and Aries and an April baby has made me love them so much more. So she had no say in what the stone would be, she wouldn''t know a D from a H anyway unless I pointed it out. But she did, reluctantly, pick out her setting, after many magazines and pictures were put in front of her. She got what she wanted, I wanted a Scott Kay setting but she got the Tiffany''s that she wanted. But there was never any sneaking around about it. In fact she wanted to be left out of the whole process and would get mad at me for bringing it up all the time. I just wanted to make sure she was going to be happy. So I guess I''m lucky to have the great girl I do, and she''s lucky to have a nice collection of D and E stones to wear
Once again, I never wanted to make anyone upset, just to realize that there are other feelings involved other than your own. Let your guy feel he did a good job, even if only for a little while, it''ll pay off for you in the long run. Don''t forget, he''s probably just as excited about the whole thing as you are, don''t take that away from him. Wait a few months and he''ll be way more receptive (sp?) to the idea of changing the setting.

 

[klavigne]

Hey Secret,
I''m sorry for upsetting you! I''m having a bad day and thought that talking about our pet rocks would cheer me up, so to drag you down. Cheer up about this, it''ll work out in the end. And by the way, Congrats on the pending engagement!!!!! Pretty exciting isn''t it!!!

 

[AmberWaves]

Klavigne,

Okay, I understand now.

I think I just wanted to show that a lot of girls don''t care about the ring (like yours, right?) but the actual moment, instead. And IMHO, because I helped pay for the ring, and picked it out myself, I''m even more proud, because I had a part in the beauty! And my fiance doesn''t feel at all immasculated because of it, if anything, the poor guy was happy I helped!

I thank you for your man-opinion. Lucky guy, having an April birth month! Stupid November topaz, not nearly as fun, and orange does NOT look good on me!

 

[Blenheim]

Klavigne, I''m sorry that you''re having a bad day. I understand what you mean now, and it makes sense. And your girlfriend is lucky to have a collection of D and E stones! I have the feeling that you were responding to attitudes you''ve seen in other LIW threads and posts, not just to Secret Sparkle. Not everyone cares out of greed. I already feel a little bit guilty that my boyfriend is planning on spending so much money on a luxury item for me. I would really feel guilty if I didn''t really like the ring, or kept wishing that he had chosen something different everytime I looked at it.

F&I, that''s an excellent point.

 

[sk8rjen]

Secret --- just wanted to chime in and say "congrats" since it''s obviously getting closer!! I really hope you love what he got for you and can look back on this and laugh later!

jen

 

[Rhapsody]

Date: 4/26/2006 4:26:46 PM
Author: fire&ice
Just something to consider - you''ve stated what you want - but that''s now and in the present. What he picks out may be something that he really likes & you may grow to love. I wanted a three stone ring - they were new fangled back in the early 80''s. He thought nothing say engagement more than a simple solitaire. That''s what he bought. He was correct. Everyone knew it was an engagement ring. Some were confused by a friend''s three stone.


That said, he bought me a vintage piece of jewelry that didn''t really look like anything I wore. I was disappointed because I didn''t think he took into consideration what ''my'' style was. That piece of jewelry is one of my favorites. I love the style - just never considered buying it!


So, if you think he will be slighted by you not wanting what he picked out, just enjoy the surprise & it may grow on you. Though totally clueless, guys do have sensitive little souls.

Although I agree with the sentiment of this post, I wanted to add that I feel there''s nothing wrong with being disappointed that you didn''t get what you want, even if you do grow to love the ring he chose.

I can love my boyfriend, be grateful and appreciative of the time and effort he put into picking a ring for me, be thrilled to be engaged... and still be disappointed with the ring. I always hated the idea that because I love my boyfriend I have to love everything he buys me. My boyfriend and I have always been upfront if we didn''t like a gift the other picked out, and have never been offended by it.

This issue isn''t about money, this is about someone who either didn''t listen to or chose to disregard what Secret wanted. Yes, a gift is a gift, but if it''s in your power to get your girlfriend exactly what she wanted why would you pick something else? My boyfriend wanted to get me a super high quality diamond (D, IF type) and likes solitaire settings. I wanted a fairly ornate antique-style setting and had to decrease the quality of the stone to be able to afford it (G, VS). Both rings cost the same amount, so the issue wasn''t money. Although it wasn''t his favourite, my boyfriend got me the ring I wanted. And I have to admit I would have been disappointed if he had gone with the solitaire. Although I think its selfish for a girl to demand a ring beyond her BFs means, I also think its selfish for a guy to not get a girl the ring she wants because he doesn''t like it. JMHO, of course.

 

[Secret Sparkle]

I just had to update this thread and let you all know that I am a moron. I am so embarassed that I almost didn''t post, but...

So, I went and looked at the appraisal again, since the damage was already done. I just wanted to double check what I thought I saw. Here''s the part where I am a moron:

-- It DOES say "white gold"
-- I think the weight listed is the actual weight of the setting, not a diamond tcw.

So I think it is a temp. setting! All that drama for naught!

I still don''t get how it is on the appraisal if it isn''t set, but that means he must have the setting in his possession, right? Maybe he is just having a hard time finding somewhere willing to set it? Who knows!

But at least I still have a shot at my dream setting!

Thanks, Ya''ll, for putting up with me!

 

[Mandarine]

That''s great secret!!!!!!!!

Don''t feel like a moron....it is understandable that you were dissapointed!

M~

 

[Mannequin]

You are not a moron! It''s okay, especially since you had previously discussed exactly what you wanted with BF and thought you had been misinterpreted somehow. Good to know you have a chance at your ideal ring then. How exciting! Keep us posted!

 

[TravelingGal]

Sounds like things are going to work out! Just found this thread tonight and read through the whole thing. All the drama...lol.

The key to the ring discussion with my boyfriend was communication, not exasperation. Just simple conversation with no signs of desperation. (Sorry about all the "tion" words...I actually didn''t mean that do that.

) I wanted a cushion with a halo...I just think they are so glamorous. He saw a pic of a ring I love here on pricescope and said "uh, I don''t like it." And he actually REALLY didn''t like it.

I know I have to wear it my whole life, but I also know my boyfriend wants to give me something HE likes too; that reflects what he would have chosen for me. In the end I chose I simple solitaire setting that we both loved. And more and more, I am SO happy I did. I know I''ll never get tired of it and it will never go out of style. I am glad I let my boyfriend influence my decision.

When the setting arrived, I showed it to him and he looked happy and impressed. I said "I''m glad I didn''t get the halo." He jokingly retorted "I wouldn''t have given it to you." So I guess guys have pretty strong feelings about these things too.

 

[jesterjigger]

Yay! That''s great secret! Now remember to act surprised...