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I am an ungrateful brat...HELP!

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Date: 4/24/2006 10:02:05 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/24/2006 9:57:17 PM
Author: indecisive
How would you feel if he left a post-it note on your clothes saying oh I really think you should be a size 2?

Soda. Squirt. Nose. Hurts.
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OMG this was funny. And yes, relevant.
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ROFLMAO

decodelighted, that was priceless
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Date: 4/24/2006 10:02:05 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/24/2006 9:57:17 PM
Author: indecisive
How would you feel if he left a post-it note on your clothes saying oh I really think you should be a size 2?

Soda. Squirt. Nose. Hurts.
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Just some thoughts:

Since you KNOW he has the stone, is there a way to subtley bring up settings? Like, I so enjoyed picking that amazing stone and cannot wait to find the perfect (wg) or (plat) setting! I am so lucky and excited...since YOU chose the stone and know he has it, he has to assume you are wanting to have setting input.

Is there any chance he is throwing you off on purpose? Guys about to propose have been known to be a tad sadistic (really?) because to them it is NOT sadism but it is fun and a big game. And we are ripe for the picking where that is concerned...


I also think this is dependent on A: how much you both have discussed your preferences and how much of that you think he has absorbed. I left HINTS like crazy for my hubby about my first upgrade, and he would play dumb, but all along had kept notes and data on what I told him I wanted...at his office of course...

Finally, you have to know your audience! How will he react to the situation? Clearly, 5 years later you feel that in criticizing a gift or wanting to change it you quashed his inclinations in that area...so really think about how to approach this. Good luck!
 
I personally think Diamondfan is onto something: you mentioned in your original post that your BF knows that you know where he was keeping the info. Hmmm. Guys can be very sneaky, as I have witnessed from reading here on PS in the proposal forums and even here in LIW! He definitely could be trying to throw you off!

I did want to tell you that (hate to admit it) I was a "little" disappointed with my e-ring. I didn''t have any input besides "I want a RB" and that was it. I WANTED it to be a surprise, but the way my now-husband talked about rings I thought I would be getting a larger stone and a setting that was, well, more interesting than my plain 2mm platinum one. His "couple of carats" turned out to be 1.5, and I was really clueless as to what kind of metal or even what setting I liked, so when he proposed I was both shocked and disappointed. Shocked because it was platinum, disappointed because it was less than 2 carats. But you know, I came to realize that I loved my ring over time, and especially after wearing it and getting so many compliments on it. It was, after all, just a ring. Oh, he DID tell me about two hours after the proposal that I could change the setting if I wanted, and we have been to see the jeweler to price some settings with sidestones...the reason we didn''t change the setting right away was that he picked out my wedding band and it ended up being more than he''d thought it would be. (I wanted plain to match the e-ring; he wanted diamonds in the band, lol!)

You''ll work it out in the end. Just try to act surprised when he proposes, for the love of God!
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Just one of those things in life!
 
Secret sparkle, [edit: my bad, updating recipient]

You should do exactly what the other girls tell you to do. And if he surprises you, and you hate it, you'll know who to blame.
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Date: 4/25/2006 12:47:17 AM
Author: meepcat
Diamondfan,

You should do exactly what the other girls tell you to do. And if he surprises you, and you hate it, you''ll know who to blame.
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Meep...I am not the OP...
 
I just thought I would post my two cents. Anyway, here is what I would do....

Since most places offer a 30-day return policy I would hint about what you like (before he's stuck with the setting), find pictures, etc, etc to show him. Because as far as he knows you haven't seen it, and you don't know he's gotten one yet. This way he has a chance to return it, if it doesn't match the pictures. Since you both have looked at stones together, it's not a surprise that he's shopping. But I would find a setting you really like and find a picture of it, and go on and on about how much you love the setting. Chances are he won't want to risk messing it up (since obviously last time he got his feelings hurt or something--lol sensitive men, mines the same way), and if the one he has isn't exactly like the one you can't live without he'll return it. Unless he can't afford the one you like. I think this is a kinder way of going about it than, I found your appraisal, not what I wanted, here's a post it of what I was thinking, go find something else. Most guys have no idea what they are looking at, at least if they have a pic they can bring it to the jeweler and be like do you have this? Sometimes they need a little guideness--LOL
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Good Luck, let us all know how it turns out.
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Okay I can totally see V buying a CZ and typing up a fake appraisal and leaving them where he thought I would find them if I was snooping. Why, because it would be funny and to punish me for being naughty and trying to see it before it was gifted to me. Any chance that he is a joker?

Either way you are about to be engaged to the man you love and life does not get much better then that.
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I asked my boyfriend what he would think if I left a post-it on my ring saying "oh by the way, this isn't what I wanted". He said he would have gotten rid of the ring and me
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I don't remember, had you discussed setting plans with your BF? Did he knew you had something you wanted in mind, or did he think the setting was up to him?

The whole situation seems odd though, an appraisal for a setting and an unset stone. It could be something to throw you off. All these little games we play to keep each other surprised can be SO frustrating! I'm pretty direct, I would just tell my BF I went to visit the stone and saw the appraisal and mention my concerns. Although at this point it may just be water under the bridge. I don't know what to tell ya. Sorry to be absolutely no help!
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Going to throw in my "no vote" for the post-it...OMG. That would be humiliating for him. You would be very lucky if he didn''t get rid of you. I know guys and girls don''t think alike, but when it comes to engagement rings, guys egos tend to get a little inflated...and delicate.
No real advice except to chill out and go with the flow on this one...it CAN be worked out, but not with a post-it. (A POST-IT????
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Haha... I also asked my BF how he would feel about a post-it, and he looked at me in horror and asked "Is this from that forum of yours?? Who ARE these people???"
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I'm really picky too... but with him, the surprise element is really important... so we agreed together that he could choose the setting on his own and make it the surprise he's always wanted to do, as long as he promises not to hate me if I decide I want to change it later. For us, best compromise. Like Angela and Deco and Mara and others said, it's a bit of a pride thing, particularly with guys I think... he needs to know that I trust him enough to at least let him give it a shot. Secret, maybe if you're really feeling nervous about it, a similar conversation would help? I'd probably leave out the part about finding the appraisal though...

So I'm thinking about trying the size-2 post-it in my OWN closet... or maybe stuck to the refrigerator... what do you think? It's like a whole new diet technique, developed right here on PS...
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Edited to add: all this is, of course, IMHO. And also IMHExperience (<-- these days, it just seems safer to throw that on before posting
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I''m confused.

A few lines below this thread is another, titled Surprise? Schumize! THOSE BOYS!, in which many of you post that guys who get all wrapped up in surprising us are missing the point and focusing on themselves as opposed to on US... Without quoting verbatim, and getting into any hot water by pointing out conflicting opinions between this thread and the aforementioned, I ask this:

If staying quiet means that Secret Sparkle might be stuck (for lack of a better word) with a setting she doesn''t love, why encourage her to remain silent? Perhaps posting a sticky isn''t the right way to approach it, but surely, there must be a way to do it in a tactful, sensitive way, no?

What if this is a setting he cannot return after x number of days? What if it''s a custom setting that is about to be made and cannot be returned (without restocking fee) later? Would it not be better to find some sort of avenue of communication now? It would surely save her the agony of coming back to post a picture of a setting that isn''t 100% her style and which she has mixed feelings about. What will your advice be then?
 
lol ephemery...i know i was mulling over the size 2 post-it idea myself. i could pretend greg put it there and get all outraged.

when i told him about this thread he also was like WHAT? A POST IT? and just shook his head. that reminds me of when that writer dude broke up with Carrie on a post-it.

re: talking to him or just waiting it out...well YOU know your man the best...i know personally that if things were purposefully left up to greg while shopping because he wanted it that way or because we agreed on that or whatever and then i started trying to make sure he knew what i wanted, he would put up a stop sign big time. you have to be respectful of what THEY are trying to do on their own if that is how it is going. now if you know your guy and he won't be offended by you going 'hey you know what, i was a bad girl and checked out the ring... AND etc etc' and he would appreciate the interference then by all means go for it. but at this point you also don't know if he is just trying to throw you off or what.

or if you aren't comfortable discussing it freely, then leave a few images of fave rings around OR just be like HEY i saw this ring in the catalog (picture) and it's totally what i want! yanno just in case you were still wondering.
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that's actually what i would do. and come on if he doesn't get it then????
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Stern, I was thinking about the Surprise Schumize thread too as I posted on here... personally, that thread was one of the things that prompted my conversation with my BF about how he would feel if I wanted to change the setting after he picked it on his own. As I mentioned in that thread and this one, I AM notoriously picky about things, so I did want to open that "avenue of communication" with him before the ring was on my hand and it was too late. But I felt like the advice given to Secret in this thread was more about staying silent about having discovered the appraisal, rather than staying silent about the topic in general... especially if she thought her BF might be sensitive about knowng his "surprise" was ruined... as my BF definitely would be! Just the way I was interpreting it though...
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I think Mara''s advice is solid... if Secret isn''t entirely comfortable approaching her BF about it directly (and many of us wouldn''t be, knowing our BF might be hurt or disappointed)... maybe give some hints and gauge his reaction. You could even use that to then start up a more general discussion about how he would feel about you wanting to change the setting... either way, good luck!!
 
Date: 4/25/2006 11:31:44 AM
Author: stermag
I''m confused.

A few lines below this thread is another, titled Surprise? Schumize! THOSE BOYS!, in which many of you post that guys who get all wrapped up in surprising us are missing the point and focusing on themselves as opposed to on US... Without quoting verbatim, and getting into any hot water by pointing out conflicting opinions between this thread and the aforementioned, I ask this:

If staying quiet means that Secret Sparkle might be stuck (for lack of a better word) with a setting she doesn''t love, why encourage her to remain silent? Perhaps posting a sticky isn''t the right way to approach it, but surely, there must be a way to do it in a tactful, sensitive way, no?

What if this is a setting he cannot return after x number of days? What if it''s a custom setting that is about to be made and cannot be returned (without restocking fee) later? Would it not be better to find some sort of avenue of communication now? It would surely save her the agony of coming back to post a picture of a setting that isn''t 100% her style and which she has mixed feelings about. What will your advice be then?
I agree, but there''s also the fact that she snuck in and found the diamond and appraisal without his permission...ie, snooping. That''s not cool, which she realizes. That''s a violation of trust. Now she should say something once she gets the ring if it''s yellow gold...there are tactful ways to say "honey, I really don''t wear yellow gold" ...etc. But she can''t go in now...that''s like finding your Christmas presents and telling your parents "I really didn''t want that shirt...can it exchange it before Christmas? Sorry I was snooping and found them, but when I found them, I really didn''t like what you got." Good grief. If it had been discussed beforehand, and he went against her wants, that''s kind of a different story. I think that''s what the previous thread was about, guys who insist on doing it then. But this is already a done deal. Now she''ll have to take care of it afterwards...
 
Stermag,

I think that there are a couple additional facts influencing our thought processes here:

1) Quote from Secret Sparkles: "Beyond that, I was going to get a custom WF setting and had sent him tons of pics in case he wanted to be in charge of that himself. Now this? I am really confused. I''d be pleased if he undertook the setting himself, but I really wanted platinum and a bezel set center stone, and he knew that."

2) Title of thread: "I am an ungrateful brat... HELP!"

3) Quote: "I am disappointed that I ruined a surprise that he was trying to plan."

It seems like Secret Sparkle has already done as much as she can reasonably do and keep it being a surprise (which seems like it may be important to him). To me, it seemed like she was posting because she was trying to get over her disappointment and confusion. (As always, feel free to correct me if I read this incorrectly.)

In the Surprise Schumize thread, there were multiple girls who said that they wanted to retain some element of surprise. Some agreed that the surprise was mostly for their boyfriends, but they still wanted to honor their boyfriends'' wishes about it. (I was among them.) Secret Sparkle''s BF wanted a certain element of surprise, and she seemed to be trying to honor that. Also, at this point, we may be dealing with bruising his ego, especially given their gift-giving history.

I''m in a slightly different situation, where he''s given me presents that I''m not totally in love with and I''ve been able to talk to him about it. He appreciated my honesty rather than getting upset with his judgment. Knowing how he might react, I might fess up and tell him that I peeked in a moment of weakness, and saw the appraisal, and then talk it out from there.

Mara, I kept thinking that "there is a correct way to break up with someone, and it doesn''t involve a post-it."
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(Not that we''re talking about a break up, but you know what I mean.) Regarding the size 2 post-its, I know a girl who cut out lots of pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton at their skinniest then plastered the edges of her mirror with them. Let''s just say that I didn''t think that was the most healthy idea.
 
ephemery1, the distinction between staying silent about having found the appraisal vs. her preferences regarding the ring is very clear to me now, although not until you mentioned it. :)

Angela & Blenheim, you''re both right. There are additional considerations. I guess I just remember the anguish of the ladies who posted about being unhappy with their rings after they''ve received them... and, you know, my heart goes out to them, but it is just so much more difficult to deal with things at that point... you almost wish that they had found some way to insure themselves against such a possibility before the purchase.
 
I fourth or fifth the no post it idea. I ran the idea past my bf and he said that he would be so angry that after leaving the post it I wouldn''t hear about it...or anything about marriage. Of course, he also said that''s why he had me go along to pick the ring. Is there anyway you could be browsing the net around him and then poke him to look at pics of rings you like every now and then? Or ask him if he would like you to make a list of your preferences...color, stone size, sidestone size, stone shapes, etc? I don''t know how much you talk about this stuff, but there has to be a way that you can make sure he knows your preferences. Or you could try telling him about a "girl" you know that got a yg ering when she really wanted wg or plat, like you prefer. You''ve just got to find a way to unobtrusively make sure he knows that you don''t want yg....
 
Wow. I really appreciate all the responses and I hope with this post I can address some of the questions/confusion about the situation. I apologize in advance, because this is going to be long!

If you didn''t catch it, I am a long term LIW. I am hoping that IF my BF actually looked on PS, he wouldn''t pay any attention to posts by anyone other than my very obvious other user name.

We have spent a lot of time trying to work out the balance between surprise and me being satisfied and happy with a future ring. The reason that I was sort of in shock yesterday was that I have been VERY clear about what I want. Up until the stone purchase, we had agreed that I would be completely in charge of the setting and pay/take care of that myself. But since I picked out the stone, I decided to give him back some control so that there would be an element of surprise. I did, however, make him a whole photoshop collage, with notes, stating exactly what I wanted in a setting, with very little left to decide (though I did tell him that he could choose between one or two minor options). So the surprise was going to be that I wouldn''t know until the proposal if it was in a temporary setting or not. Honestly, though, I truly thought he wouldn''t want to deal with the setting, and would propose with a temp.

In retrospect, I think that he decided to do the "real" setting because he knew that I was truly expecting a temp. and it would surprise me. If that is what he is doing, I can''t ruin it.

Blenheim is correct that I was originally posted for advice on how to deal with my disappointment. I guess I was also wondering if I should say something to him. He wouldn''t be shocked that I peeked at all, which is part of what I don''t get. I "sneaked" peeks at the stone 1/2 a dozen times before he took it to the appraiser, and he knew it. Maybe he is trying to scr*w with me? Here''s what happened after he brought it home that day:

-- I went to wrap a present and he jumped up and grabbed the stone and appraisal off the bookshelf in front of me, where he had apparently "hidden" them...in plain sight? He went and hid it somewhere else.
-- That night he told me that the stone was hidden in my top drawer (which it wasn''t, I looked
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), but I was mad that he was taunting me, so I actually looked for it. It was in the same place that it had been before the appraisal! I told him it was not a good hiding place, so he knows I know where it is, but he hasn''t moved it.
-- I''ve been trying to be good, so I haven''t checked for it, thinking that if it was "missing" I would know that he had taken it to get set and that he was closer to actually proposing. But yesterday I broke, and it was still there.

One other thing that may be relevant either way...I asked him why he had not gotten it put in a setting at the appraisers, because their website says thet have simple mountings and will set stones. He said they told him they don''t.

Back to the setting issue -- I want a bezel halo setting with a smooth band (well, it could have 1/2-3/4 pave, that was one of the options I left up to him). The appraisal doc says a four prong 14K gold setting with a highly polished 1/2 round band and 2.9 ctw of diamonds (I''m assuming that includes the center). If the band is plain, then the diamonds would have to be in a halo, right? Which means he tried to get me what I want. I don''t know why he would have gone with prongs, unless the jeweler recommended it, but I have been silently wondering if I would rather have prongs, so I''m okay with that. The thing I don''t get is the gold. I can''t even rememeber if the apparaisal said "white" or not, but I don''t think it did. And even if it is WG, why not 18k?! It doesn''t make sense.

To be honest, I don''t think, in the whole of the collage, I actually wrote "platinum," but that is because it never occured to me that it would be anything else. I would bet money that he knew it was my preference, esp. since the returned gift of 5 years ago was a WHITE GOLD chain. And I thought platinum was his preference too. Maybe the jeweler recommended white gold for some reason. It is out of the realm of possibility that it would be YG. If it is, like Carrie, would really wonder if he knew me at all!

So, after all that (GOSH, that is a LONG post!
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), these are the questions I am left with. All advice welcomed.

1. Can the appraiser include a setting on the appraisal if the stone is not set in it? What if the setting isn''t even there (such as a yet-to-be-completed custom setting)? Wouldn''t its presence on the appraisal document mean that it is a done deal?
2. Is it possible for the appraisal to NOT state that something is "white" gold if it is?
3. Could you deal with having a WG setting when you had your heart set on platinum? Especially since everthing else about the setting is "right?" (I would hope).
4. If he is trying to scr*w with me, should I play along and tell him I saw the appraisal? Or is that too big of a risk?

WHEW! If he actually reads this, I''m up the creek, because this is hardly vague!
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Date: 4/25/2006 4:33:44 PM
Author: Secret Sparkle

1. Can the appraiser include a setting on the appraisal if the stone is not set in it? What if the setting isn''t even there (such as a yet-to-be-completed custom setting)? Wouldn''t its presence on the appraisal document mean that it is a done deal?
HMMM. DON''T KNOW. CAN''T HELP w/THIS ONE.

2. Is it possible for the appraisal to NOT state that something is ''white'' gold if it is? SOUNDS REASONABLE. THOUGH YOU''D THINK THEY''D BE SPECIFIC. WONDER WHY THE APPRAISAL DIDN"T HAVE PICTURES... MINE DOES, THOUGH MINE WAS A SET RING.

3. Could you deal with having a WG setting when you had your heart set on platinum? Especially since everthing else about the setting is ''right?'' (I would hope). YES. THERE ARE PROS & CONS TO THE WG/PLAT DEBATE. A GOOD PLACE TO GIVE UP CONTROL SINCE THE APPEARANCE DOESN"T CHANGE MUCH REALLY.

4. If he is trying to scr*w with me, should I play along and tell him I saw the appraisal? Or is that too big of a risk? I THINK AT THIS POINT, WITH ALL THE DISCUSSION & STUFF -- IT''S A DONE DEAL. MUM''S THE WORD & BE "SUPRISED" ... WHO KNOWS - MAYBE YOU WILL BE!

Hee hee. It''s kind of fun though, right! If you keep your focus on the fact that it''s really happening, he really loves you, you''re gonna be engaged soon and THAT''S ALL AWESOME!!!

If he is psyching you out - funny! If he tried to get you what you want (halo, plain sides) but chose WG over Platinum at a jeweler''s suggestion ... that''s an understandable scenario. I think Whiteflash''s halos are 14kt WG though, aren''t they?? Don''t they recommend that? Just sayin ...
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And don''t the bezel halos have to be done "for" the certain stone ...and if someone wanted to get the stone & setting appraised seperately (and only have to do it once) they''d HAVE to get the prong set halo, un-set? Hmmm? Hmmm?
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Here is what I would do, point to magazines and photos and casually say, "Isn''t this gorgeous? I love platinum and white gold!"

There is still time, so he might be grateful for the tip & change it before it''s too late.

Or look at a celeb''s photo and say, "Ewwwww, yellow gold. Not my style."

(Even though we all love YG, it might just do the trick to have him running back to the jeweler to swap out settings!)

Good luck and CONGRATULATIONS!
 
I'd do a combination of what others have suggested:

1) Casually point out what you like/don't like on other people's hands, in magazines, etc. This is just in case he can still return the setting and quickly buy you something he knows you like.

2) If he proposes with a ring that you don't like, *be pleasantly surprised* (but NOT pass-out-on-floor overjoyed). Given his past history with jewelry-giving, you do not want to traumatize him into another 5 years of jewelry-free gifts!
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If you decide you really want to change the setting, wait a while before broaching the topic gradually and gently...and maybe even suggest putting in a birthstone or sapphire in that original setting so that you can still get use out of it, while you shop for a new setting together. (guys HATE feeling like they wasted money on anything, especially jewelry)

Good luck!
 
A guys perspective.
I''d be beyond pissed off at you, trying to restrain myself from yelling at you like a little kid. Not only did he tell you not to go look but you did. Then you have the audacity to complain, the nerve of you! I''d have to reconsider if I''d want to marry someone so selfish.
Do yourself a favor and never mention anything about this. If he''s like me, and 95% of the guys out there, he isn''t going to like you too much after you lay that one on him. You''d be lucky to ever see a ring at all after this if you tell him!
 
Okay, that might be a bit harsh, but shees, come on. Your guy goes through all the trouble to pick out a stone and a setting that he thinks you''ll like and that isn''t good enough for you. Thats what he''s going to be thinking if you say anything. I have to agree with KristyDarling....Say nothing now and then in a few months you can bring it up casually.
It just drives me crazy to read on here how "I didn''t get the 2ct stone I was hoping for" You are lucky to be getting ANYTHING at all. If you really love this guy you''d take a ring from a cracker-jack box and be happy as hell about it. Shut your mouth for now and be happy your getting engaged, it is after all getting engaged, not getting a ring. A starving man doesn''t turn down free food because it isn''t steak!!!! Beggars can''t be choosers!!!!
 
Date: 4/26/2006 3:25:48 PM
Author: klavigne
Shut your mouth for now and be happy your getting engaged, it is after all getting engaged, not getting a ring. A starving man doesn''t turn down free food because it isn''t steak!!!! Beggars can''t be choosers!!!!

IMHO no woman with self-respect would ever, ever consider herself a "begger" when it comes to engagement rings or getting engaged. If her man thinks she''s "a begger"-- that''s the set up for a lifetime of power struggles, arrogance and misery - buh BYE.
 
Klavigne, with all due respect, I think that a lot of the issue here is that he was allowing her to be very involved in the process, was receptive to her opinions, and then apparently chose something different than they had talked about. It''s not like she just decided that he had to get her a 2 carat diamond or she''d pout.

Also, he was very obvious about where he put the diamond, and she''s just human. Not everyone has perfect impulse control every second of the day. She didn''t have the audacity to run to him and complain, rather, she felt natural disappointment that he apparently chose something other than what they had talked about and initially posted so that we could help her get over it.
 
So you wouldn''t get engaged to a poor man who couldn''t afford to give you a great big old ring?????????
Now thats true love!!
 
Wow. Just wow.

First, using the word beggar to describe a woman receiving an engagement ring is just demeaning, IMHO. This is not to mean that women should expect or demand diamond rings. It''s just that "beggar" has elements of desperation and need that I don''t think should be present in a relationship of equals.

Second, no one ever said that they wouldn''t get engaged to a man who couldn''t afford a huge diamond. Mine can''t. I don''t care. I love him and want to marry him.
 
Blen,
No disrespect taken. That was just my male perspective, take it and do what you will with it. It just blows my mind some of the things I read around here. If I knew my FI was saying some of the things I read around here I''d be really upset. I think you women tend to get all caught up in this process and totally forget about your guys feelings, THIS IS HIS PROPOSAL TOO!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!!!!! IT''S NOT ALL ABOUT SOME RING!!!!
He might not have dreamed of this day since he was little but this day is just as important to him as it is to you. Putting all the attention on the ring and not what it symbolizes would really hurt 99% of the guys I know. They want to know you love tehm, not hate the ring they chose for you.
Let him play his little game of "surprise", be ecstatic that your engaged!!! Cry, laugh, hug each other. Then in a few months tell him "you know, this is really lovely, but if I''m going to wear this forever I''d really like it to be a bit more......."
Believe me, diplomacy will work here if you wait patiently.
 
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