I am not sure what to do....

[DonaBella]

I wanted to share with all of you who have been readingmy threads that daughter #2 and I went to see the family therapist today and alot was shared with her, poor thing. She, the therapist, has had one he@# of a week so far and had to stay in session until 11:30pm last night and then back to seeing patients today at 9am. After we--daughter #2 and I--each contributed our share of what has been going on since the Monday before Christmas until now, the therapist took a breathe and told us to be cautious at taking what son #1 said of FI''s family and such. She suggested that we--my husband, me, daughters #1 & #2, and son #1--need to come to her office for a joint session tomorrow morning at 9am,so that is what we are going to do. She plans to start with me and my hubby for about 1/2 an hour so the kids actually need to be there ready to go at 9:30am. SInce she does not have anyone at 10am, if we go over--and I feel we will--its ok.
I expect sh$# to fly and words to be said, and hopefully a solution to be reached, at least attempted. Yes, I still feel and will mention that the 2 oldest need to be out of our home and a compromise or game plan of how to achieve that will need to be broached, I feel. And most certainly, I feel that there needs to be clear, pristine, no questions asked boundaries need to be set before we leave her office tomorrow. That is my hubby''s weak area and if I try to suggest anything, it will be seen as me going up against him, so that has to come from the therapist.

So...please, please, please think hopeful, peaceful thoughts and prayers for me and my family. Yes, they have issues and are a bit screwed up at the moment and maybe even for quite awhile, but all in all, none of my adult kids are in jail, pregnant out of wedlock or a junkie, so as a parent, I want to remain somewhat hopeful.

Tough love sucks but its indeed necessary and I am more than willing to try...because I DO love all of them.

I will let you all know how things went as soon as I can...God Bless

 

[mrssalvo]

I too have been following your story. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and prayers will be heading your way.

 

[BlingBlingMommy]

Wow, lots to read and catch up on! Good luck tomorrow and going forward. *hugs*

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Deanne,
Isn''t it funny that you write your feelings on here and people really do listen. Strangers who don''t know you from Adam actually care. I think that is one of my favorite things about this site. I often wonder if people follow my threads but once in a while someone will say they have or bring up something I have said else where and as silly as it sounds it makes me feel really good and honored. Like they are my friends who take time out of their lives to listen. That is priceless.

Anyways, back to the situation at hand what do your other children think about this situation? I have a feud in my family (between my two uncles for almost 20 years) and it is very sad. Amazing what money/greed and family businesses can do to a family. It is very sad. I am sure your children (older two) resent the fact that you seem to related more with daughter #2. Kids notice these things and no matter how hard you try you might love all your children the same but not like them the same. I think only time will tell. Don''t let this destroy you though. Try to pull back from the situation so you can concentrate on other things as well. Good luck with everything (including the flower shop). My thoughts are always with you.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 1/4/2006 11:25:18 PM
Author: mrssalvo
I too have been following your story. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and prayers will be heading your way.

Thanks, mrssalvo...I appreciate it very much...

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 1/4/2006 11:27:15 PM
Author: BlingBlingMommy
Wow, lots to read and catch up on! Good luck tomorrow and going forward. *hugs*

Thanks,BlingBlingMommy...I can feel those virtual hugs coming through my pc...

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 1/4/2006 11:44:26 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Deanne,
Isn''t it funny that you write your feelings on here and people really do listen. Strangers who don''t know you from Adam actually care. I think that is one of my favorite things about this site. I often wonder if people follow my threads but once in a while someone will say they have or bring up something I have said else where and as silly as it sounds it makes me feel really good and honored. Like they are my friends who take time out of their lives to listen. That is priceless.

Anyways, back to the situation at hand what do your other children think about this situation? I have a feud in my family (between my two uncles for almost 20 years) and it is very sad. Amazing what money/greed and family businesses can do to a family. It is very sad. I am sure your children (older two) resent the fact that you seem to related more with daughter #2. Kids notice these things and no matter how hard you try you might love all your children the same but not like them the same. I think only time will tell. Don''t let this destroy you though. Try to pull back from the situation so you can concentrate on other things as well. Good luck with everything (including the flower shop). My thoughts are always with you.

Yanno, I was just thinkin those thoughts!!! I know my hubby playfully bugs me about my "virtual PS friends" every now and again, but that''s ok...I love making new friends and those of you here on PS--especially now--have been like lifesavers to me during this storm...
Even though we haven''t met face to face, I feel comfortable when any of you share your views or thoughts--even if they do not agree with mine...that''s the beauty of these forums.
Regarding my other kids...my 19 year old has wisely stayed out of it and has been concerned for me and his sister. He is fearful when his big brother gets agitated cuz big bro has been physical and hurtful in the past to him and big bro has been intimating and bullying as well...he still has, just not as much. My 17 year old and 15 year old stay out harm''s way and have expressed to me that they just want the two oldest to leave. My 14 year old, 11 year old and 9 year old have each had enough of the screaming, the arguments and the 11 year old makes sure and hugs me...alot...which is, oh, so nice. My 17 year old and 9 year old are huggy as well, so I feel very loved by my little men...

Yanno, I try to be aware and be fair to all but daughter #2 is easier to just talk to so, yes, I am sure you are right and they have told me I sometimes seem to favor daughter #2 more than is "normal" to them. I also get the "gee, he/she got to do blah blah blah or stay out later than me and that''s not fair cuz you always are on my case, etc.", on a regular basis. My response back? I remind them I am the parent and am not perfect, oh, and guess what? Life isn''t always fair. I make decisions per situation and don''t always apply the "one rule applies to all". Of course, some things are consistent across the board irregardless of age or gender, but as the kids have gotten older, with age comes increased responsibility and hopefully, responsibility. Hey, no one said it was easy...They hate it and often show me that they hate me--even if its just for the moment...but I have learned to not take it as much personally.
What I do take personally is when they deliberately dis me and disrespect me...that bites...

Hey, I have rambled enough...gotta go to bed...thanks for everything...

 

[MrsFrk]

Deanna, big (((((((((HUGS)))))))))), and good luck tomorrow! You will be in my thoughts.

 

[DonaBella]

UPDATE: WARNING UP FRONT...I will try to concise my comments cuz I know I have a tendency to ramble, but bear with me...

My family--son #1, daughter #1, daughter #2, hubby and me--went to therapy today. Right off the cuff, #1 daughter gives #2 daughter attitude when they were leaving the house to come. Keep in mind, therapist had hubby and me in private for counseling to be sure we were on the same page w/one another before bringing in three adult kids. #4 son was not present cuz I did not know that therapist wanted him there...found out later, hubby wanted him there for boundaries/rules presented, but that was all. No big deal...Back to daughter #1...The girls were to join their brother and us 1/2 an hour after we met with therapist. Our appt was set for 9am. Due to traffic, we--hubby and I--arrived 5 minutes late. #2 daughter calls within 7 minutes of our arrival to say that she wanted to give us a heads up out of respect to us, that her sister felt that this mtg was a complete set up. Fuming over hearing this, my husband was about to explode. We discussed with the therapist how to handle this so we could go on to the "meat" of why we were meeting. Hubby immediately went into the issue with #1 daughter and she--of course--denied it, saying her dad could choose to believe what he wanted. OMG! If the therapist had not of been there, I dread to think what might have happened next!

The therapist tempered that issue and helped #1 daughter to see that that was not a good, healthy or respectful manner to start this session. Daughter #1 agreed and said she would make an effort to not go there, but that it would be a challenge. I held my tongue, cuz believe me I wanted to pull her hair out and lean her over and spank her!

Therapist set rules that no one was permitted to storm out, physically strike anyone and to understand that today''s mtg was not to do a ''he said, she said'' kind of thing cuz that would have to be at another appt., but rather, today''s mtg was to establish boundaries/rules by the parents and that the adult children had a choice to abide by or leave their parents'' home for disregarding, effective immediately.

Anyways, Hubby made some rules that he has wanted to make for at least 4 months. One vital rule, which will take some doing but is highly worth it, is to have a once a week mtg with the 4 young adults and us. This is mandatory and if the set time and date is in conflict with work for someone, then the 4 in question need to come to an agreement on a diff. time and date and we as the parents need to be informed to be there. Failure to comply costs that person or persons $25 each per each time. No excuses, no exceptions. Period. Don''t like the rules? Too bad if you choose to live with us. They can always move out too. Obviously, this caused some raised eyebrows and interesting expressions. Doesn''t matter, that''s life.
Son #1 definitely had a chip on his shoulder and at least twice made direct digs at me DURING the session in front of both my husband and the therapist, which was caught and acknowledged by me, causing him to be thoroughly reprimanded by not one adult, but 3!

At one point, the therapist suggested that we voluntarily take turns apologizing for something we may have done wrong to someone else in the room. Son went first apologizing to me for his actions towards me and what he said to me, and he apologized to daughter #2. I tried and wanted to believe he is genuine and so I accepted his apology for just what it was worth. His younger sister, however, had a much harder time and could not honestly say she could accept his apology as genuine. I appreciated his efforts--at the time--though I admit I was forcing myself to believe it was pristine up front. Daughter #2 apologized for her role in contributing to making Christmas morning not very comfortable for us. She was more believeable and cried in addition to what she said. Hubby apologized for coming on so strong when he is called to make a judgement when chaos happens in our home. He said he feels pressured to defend me or whoever the hurt party is and is rushed to emotion, which has colored his action that he takes, often feeling defeated rather than triumphant that the peace was preserved for all, not just for one. I apologized for pulling Hubby in on family drama when he is obviously at work and cannot and should not be dragged into something that he has no way of resolving at that moment. Notice that daughter #1 isn''t mentioned here??? She pipes up at the request of the therapist that she has nothing to be sorry for. Can you believe that???!!!???

So I brought up a very direct part she played in ruining our family Christmas morning by calling her sister on her cell, telling her that their brother called to say that he hears me and hubby being intimate! I went on to say that that was not necessary and it could have stopped with her when son #1 calls by her not saying a word about that to anyone else, respecting her parents. Of course, she threw it back to her brother--who admitted his fault and his poor handling of this delicate and private situation he came across, but she NEVER admitted her part or offered an apology. The little b@#$% sat there like a cat with a feather in her mouth, looking at her dad as he profoundly demanded that they never demean, berate, or dishonor our privacy again in that way and to accept the fact that their parents are entitled to that sort of privacy. Period. Hubby was more emotionally embroiled about this than maybe anything else and he made impact.

The therapist gave us an assignment to handle the meat of the crap each of us has been offended by and we are to list who did it. She specifically said it was not to be in essay where it goes on and on, just one page. We will each then go around reciting our list to the person or people who have offended us and be expected to receive an apology. Now, I have some real concerns here cuz I KNOW that the chance of getting a sincere apology out of daughter #1 is as sure as me going back to age 18 and reliving my life--it will be more than miracuous.

When the two oldest got up to leave, suddenly, son #1 starts telling me that since he is leaving to visit family out of town later today, he does not expect me to help with the shop, be at the shop, be unpaid labor, yada, yada...and he is reciting this with such a smartass attitude I am caught--once again--off guard. The DIFFERENCE is this is done in FRONT of my husband who immediatelty tells son to talk with respect or not at all to me. I am totally blown away. I respond to him that the ONLY way he knew I felt that way is because daughter #1 told him so, which she boldly admits overhearing me say on the phone to my personal therapist. OMG...that little snot!!! I counter with stating that neither of them know of the direct content that that info was being shared and that was between me and my therapist. Daughter #1 arrogantly, says,"Well, of course, I told him..you said it outloud for anyone to hear and he needed to know!" My husband saw her for the conniving little manipulator in this instance she truly was...and I know it broke his heart, but I am SO glad he was there!

Once we left the office, daughter #2 was sobbing so hubby and I stopped and talked with herand realized that she felt it was pointless for her to have come since nothing had been resolved. Sadly, I agree on the single issue from a few days ago, but the line in sand has been distinctly drawn and now I want, pray and am hoping for daughter #1 to cross it so she is out the door. This also gives Hubby the opportunity to show daughter #2 that he means what he says and will in fact show no favoritism to her sister. I have to admit, in a warped way, I need to see him lower the boom on the screwed up sister to believe it myself.

So...we are to see the therapist in a couple of weeks as a family and see if we can plow through the tar, muck and crap of our family to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. The therapist did say she saw right through son #1 and daughter #1 and their little "act" in therapy. She went on to suggest that my hubby read a book which she handed to him so that they--the therapist and my hubby--can play tag team to get daughter #1 to crack her hard, arrogant, unfeeling, cold, shell to what in the hell is at the root of all her behavior.

I don''t mean to pat my own back, but I did pretty good today. I held my tongue and resisted the insatiable desire to lash out at son #1 and daughter #1, but it KILLED me...I actually hurt in my belly! And I bit my tongue, so its sore...but I feel better that we went. Hubby had to sacrifice billing time with a client in orange county, but hopefully he will feel its worth it...

Thanks for your support, your positive thoughts, your energy, and your prayers...I felt them...

 

[mrssalvo]

well, Deanne. At least everybody showed up. I know how difficult it must be but each one of your family members are going to be so much better off. Good for your hubby for setting down some ground rules and i''m glad he was able to see daugher #1''s true colors. I hope this is the beginning steps of positive movements forward..

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I agree. As exhasting it must have been at least it was progress. I cannot believe daughter #1 could not come up with ANYTHING to say she was sorry about not even to please you and your husband. I just hope she grows out of it and this is just a phase.

 

[DonaBella]

Tacori and Mrssalvo and others just reading along...I found out that the book my husband was given by the therapist is about people affected by "Borderline Personality Disorder." She instructed my hubby to not allow anyone else--at this time--to read it because it was to prep him for a ''tag team'' effort she plans to incorporate to get daughter #1 to ''crack'', using her words. What she meant was not to literally crack or have a breakdown, but rather, to show some vulernability and remorse or some sort of response and maybe a tad more into why she is the way she is. I have to say, with no offense to my dear but distracted hubby, he brought it into our bedroom and put it down on my dresser and, yes, I picked it up. I read a few pages of it and I think...I THINK I am starting to see some of the ''symptoms'' in my daughter. Obviously, I haven''t read it all and am no dr by any means, so I won''t elaborate more with my perceptions at this time. The book is called," Stop Walking On Eggshells-Taking your life back when someone you care about ha Borderline Personality Disorder." It is authored by Paul T. Mason, M.S., and Randi Kreger.

I HAD to read a few pages. I know I should have been stronger and not done so, but I was DYING to know what it was about. Part of me wants a diagnosis or a reason for all the hell she puts me, us and everyone through, but another part of me is asking, what if she does have this disorder? Can we, as a family get through this? What are the kinds of treatment? More and more questions pop up...

I have forced myself to stop thinking about it for now and leave it alone. Yes...I know, I know...I just should have demonstrated some strength and withheld giving in to reading the parts I did read.

Oh well...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Oh don''t feel bad about reading a few pages I have done worse snooping, believe me! Once again I do not know details and have never met your daughter but red flags have been going off for me. It is just NOT normal to act like that (unless maybe she is 13? Hormones? I don''t know). I am not a professional but I think that if she does have a problem it is always better to know and work on solutions. If this is the case however I would suggest you prepare yourself for a long and hard road. I suppose it helps to know her behavior may not be her "fault". Good luck as always.

Keep us updated!

 

[monarch64]

Deanna, bless your heart for caring enough about your family to proceed with therapy. I have also been following your thread and you are one tough cookie! That being said, I hope to provide you with a little insight as to what your "difficult" daughter may be throwing at you.

From the ages of 12-probably 20, I gave my own mother the most grief a daughter can give. By grief I mean I was a real b-i-t-c-h to her. Looking back now, I didn''t ever have a real emotional rapport with my father, he was just not available for that kind of thing, although he did give me some good "talkings to" after which I''ve been told I would "flounce out" of the room and lock myself in my bedroom, not dealing with anything. I went through eating disorder outpatient program when I was 17-18 with my parents, and so help me, I thought everything was their fault. Period. I refused to see that I had any sort of personal affliction whatsoever. But that''s beside the point. My point is, after a few years of being on my own, after feeling like I had finally "cut the apron strings" from my mother, who I always loved dearly, while treating her like crap, we became very good friends. It is so true that you only hurt the ones you love the most. I''m 28 now, and my mother and I share a very special bond that has taken time and being away from each other to recover. Anytime you want to PM me about this kind of circumstance, I would be glad to talk to you, as this issue is very close to my heart. Your daughter sounds a lot like me when I was her age and I would love the chance to help someone else via my own hindsight.

It will get better, Deanna. Thank goodness you have taken a step in the healing direction and gone to therapy with your whole family! God Bless You!

 

[strmrdr]

Just wanted to say that you and your family has been and will be in my thoughs and prayers.
Just getting caught up on this thread this morning.
Sorry your having such a rough time it does sound like your making some progress.
If it was me to honest id tell the 2 oldest that they have 2 weeks to move out and stick too it.
its not fair to the younger kids or you what they are doing.

 

[icekid]

Deanna- I am another who has been following your threads! You remind me so much of my mom too. She would do anything for us, and we don''t always appreciate it (I try though now that I am older).

I have to agree with storm here. I really don''t think the situation is fair for the younger children, and at this point the older kids would be out. They''re clearly not setting an appropriate example for how to treat you anyway. Who needs that disrespect in your own home?

Sending you lots of thoughts and prayers! I hope you can get through to your daughter eventually. I''ve had my share of moments with my mom through the years, but I have nothing but love and appreciation for her now!

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 1/7/2006 2:04:10 AM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Oh don''t feel bad about reading a few pages I have done worse snooping, believe me! Once again I do not know details and have never met your daughter but red flags have been going off for me. It is just NOT normal to act like that (unless maybe she is 13? Hormones? I don''t know). I am not a professional but I think that if she does have a problem it is always better to know and work on solutions. If this is the case however I would suggest you prepare yourself for a long and hard road. I suppose it helps to know her behavior may not be her ''fault''. Good luck as always.

Keep us updated!

I appreciate your response, Tacori...I do realize that things are not set to get better anytime soon...I also realize that even if it is NOT her ''fault'', I will have a hard time with this, I won''t lie and try to say I will strong and fear anothing...so I will be pming a few of you or posting more often, if I need to have an outlet...

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 1/7/2006 2:46:58 AM
Author: monarch64
Deanna, bless your heart for caring enough about your family to proceed with therapy. I have also been following your thread and you are one tough cookie! That being said, I hope to provide you with a little insight as to what your ''difficult'' daughter may be throwing at you.

From the ages of 12-probably 20, I gave my own mother the most grief a daughter can give. By grief I mean I was a real b-i-t-c-h to her. Looking back now, I didn''t ever have a real emotional rapport with my father, he was just not available for that kind of thing, although he did give me some good ''talkings to'' after which I''ve been told I would ''flounce out'' of the room and lock myself in my bedroom, not dealing with anything. I went through eating disorder outpatient program when I was 17-18 with my parents, and so help me, I thought everything was their fault. Period. I refused to see that I had any sort of personal affliction whatsoever. But that''s beside the point. My point is, after a few years of being on my own, after feeling like I had finally ''cut the apron strings'' from my mother, who I always loved dearly, while treating her like crap, we became very good friends. It is so true that you only hurt the ones you love the most. I''m 28 now, and my mother and I share a very special bond that has taken time and being away from each other to recover. Anytime you want to PM me about this kind of circumstance, I would be glad to talk to you, as this issue is very close to my heart. Your daughter sounds a lot like me when I was her age and I would love the chance to help someone else via my own hindsight.

It will get better, Deanna. Thank goodness you have taken a step in the healing direction and gone to therapy with your whole family! God Bless You!

Monarch, I appreciate your offer for me to pm you and I know I will from time to time...I have had a hard time with my own mom, but even she told me that I was never as much of a bit#@ as my own daughter currently is...Therapy will take time and thank the Lord the therapist is giving our family an insane deal on the cost per visit or we''d be poor!

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 1/7/2006 8:35:56 AM
Author: strmrdr
Just wanted to say that you and your family has been and will be in my thoughs and prayers.
Just getting caught up on this thread this morning.
Sorry your having such a rough time it does sound like your making some progress.
If it was me to honest id tell the 2 oldest that they have 2 weeks to move out and stick too it.
its not fair to the younger kids or you what they are doing.

Strm, I defintely am caught--a HUGE part of me just wants them gone.OUT. Finite...I have worked SO hard to be a good mother and I still have a 17 year old, a 15 year old--who is failing high school miserably, a 14 year old, an eleven year old and a 9 year old who need me to help guide them and they deserve better. Believe me, I am discussing this in my personal therapy sessions each week. The 17 year old is a senior in school, but he is socially awkward, shy, and depends alot on me for bouncing ideas off me. The 15 year old is an ADD child, who lacks motivation, has severe learning challenges, is in therapy himself to help direct him and is currently headed for alternate highschool where I fear he will be further ostracized, and may even fall flat academically more than now. I worry about the future for this child more than ALL the rest. The 14 year old is struggling but performing in 8th grade. The eleven year old is in 6th grade and is a gifted child who is immensely harsh on himself. The 9 year old is another advanced child who is struggling with his weight and I take him to the nutritionist/dietitian for guidance and support.
As you see, I have a PERFECT foundation for booting out the oldest two....but my husband is not 100% on board with me. During this therapy session we had, hubby FINALLY is starting to see daughter #1''s colors--with or without a bonafide diagnosis. I don''t want to get too helpful cuz he will tell me he saw something amiss and disturbing with her and not what is clearly and plainly obvious to everyone else. For me, that is SO frustrating!!! I feel I have been on a mountaintop yelling it and all of the townspeople hear it, see it except for him, who thinks there might actually be a smidgen of something so not right...gee, ya think??!!!
The other part of me, wants to get to the nitty gritty of this and know what the hell is her problem...Found the problem? Great! Let''s get therapy, meds or whatever for it and get daughter #1 acting like a decent human being, enjoying life, and then the natural progression would be she wants out...right? In the small bits of what I read of this book in my room--I can''t say in my hubby''s possession--I read that the patient usually denies the diagnosis, blames the person or persons telling them, sometimes even tries to hurt themselves as a direct result of the shame they feel.
Here I go again...the selfish part of me says,"good...feel a little of the pain you have inflicted on me..." but the grownup, mature, caring mom who I am says," ok, now we know...let''s tackle this together and get you going in the right direction for you and than we all will benefit..."
Seriously, there are times, like during Christmas, that I could have got to the airport, taken a flight out and not looked back...just in theory cuz my heart and concerns are with the younger kids. If I did get to that point again, I would HAVE to take them...I just would...
This more immensely difficult than I can reflect inwords, expressions here in print or in reference...Sometimes I wish I could be more insightful, more wise and by far, a better mother.
I will never be one who others will recall with words that "she never complained" cuz I do...or "she was always doing good for others" cuz try as I might, that''s honestly not me...or " her children sought her out to gain from her knowledge and wisdom...how blessed they were and will tell you themselves" er, sorry that''s SO not a description of me or my family.
I went to a friend''s funeral on Friday and as I listened to the many beautiful descriptions of this lovely woman, I grew SO sad. I was definitely sad for her death, one caused by her latest case of cancer--she had dealt with cancers for over 25 years, but I was...dare I say it...jealous.
I was jealous of what an amazing list of memories her kids have of running home as fast as they could to fresh baked cookies or snacks that she did each and everyday, interactive games she did with them, confidences built with each individual child she founded in them, her love of alturistic service she gave, her Christlike nature while on this earth that MADE you drawn to her and most of all...the poignancy of the void she has left by her death. Her sweet husband and she had a rock solid marriage, despite the physical challenges her health caused. Their gift to one another WAS each other. This overlapped to her children. They truly love each other.
I hurt inside when I left the church after her services. I physically cried for missing my friend, but I long for what riches she had while alive and even in death she still has.

So...because of the impact of her death, because I do still sincerely love my two oldest brats despite their hateful, disdain for me...I am not kicking them out...not yet anyways, but the family therapist agrees with me that if this shi# continues, the clock is ticking and no reprieve will preserve them. I can still show love with them out of my home...I am still looking and searching for rainbows...this has and is a family storm so there has to be a rainbow.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

((((hugs)))) it does sound like there is progress. I have faith that it will all come together in the end.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 1/7/2006 2:25:07 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
((((hugs)))) it does sound like there is progress. I have faith that it will all come together in the end.

ooooh...those hugs are SO appreciated...

I guess its ok to be stubborn for something good...

 

[Patty]

Deanna, I just read through this thread today and I want to say that I''m with you! ((((Hugs)))))

I really hope that your daughter is just being a brat and doesn''t have borderline personality disorder. From what little I know, people with bpd usually have had some serious abuse in their past and it''s a terrible disorder for someone and their families to deal with. I hope that maybe your daughter is just spoiled and needs a wake up call.

Anyway, I just want you to know that I''m hoping for the best for you and your family. I am one of 13 children and I know that several of us gave my mom a run for her money! And believe me, in a family that large, you will hear probably 11 different versions of "the truth." Just be strong and stand your ground and you will be fine!

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 1/7/2006 8:35:18 PM
Author: Patty
Deanna, I just read through this thread today and I want to say that I''m with you! ((((Hugs)))))

I really hope that your daughter is just being a brat and doesn''t have borderline personality disorder. From what little I know, people with bpd usually have had some serious abuse in their past and it''s a terrible disorder for someone and their families to deal with. I hope that maybe your daughter is just spoiled and needs a wake up call.

Anyway, I just want you to know that I''m hoping for the best for you and your family. I am one of 13 children and I know that several of us gave my mom a run for her money! And believe me, in a family that large, you will hear probably 11 different versions of ''the truth.'' Just be strong and stand your ground and you will be fine!

Thanks, Patty...

I know my daughter#1 is hurting and my own therapist that I alone see said the same thing, that there is often some sort of abuse associated with BPD. My younger daughter has always been the keen one who had like a sixth sense about things and often advised her older sister of a potential date or a situation, for her own good. Daughter #1 always rebuffed her younger sister''s attempts of protecting herself though.

Younger daughter has deeply rooted hurts with daughter #1. I worry for both of them because of that. I realize I cannot coerce their relationship and it is my solemn wish and prayer that this therapist can help the two girls out from where they are emotionally.

In this time and age, having a large family is tough, but not for the reasons you might think. Its hard because of the potential hazards just being a kid--of any age. The dangers, the temptations are very real. I guess I understand now more than ever why God gave me my sense of stubborn stick-with-it-ness...I will continue to ask God to strengthen me...thanks again...

 

[MrsFrk]

Deanna, big (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
You are so brave, to face this stuff head on. It''s much easier to just maintain the status quo, even if the status quo sucks.

I know that your friend''s funeral affected you...but remember that what children really appreciate (my father died when I was young) is having a parent that really, REALLY cares about them--not just stuff, and cookies, and being waited on hand and foot. I have many friends who were absolutely catered to and materially and physically wanted for nothing, but they always, alway yearned for their parents to show they really cared, in deeper ways.

When I was a child, I always thought that the kids that had a stay at home mom, and plenty of money, had it all. Not so.

It really sounds like your younger children are suffering...for their sake, #1 and #2 need to go. Period.

 

[DonaBella]

Date: 1/9/2006 11:56:16 AM
Author: MrsFrk
Deanna, big (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
You are so brave, to face this stuff head on. It''s much easier to just maintain the status quo, even if the status quo sucks.

I know that your friend''s funeral affected you...but remember that what children really appreciate (my father died when I was young) is having a parent that really, REALLY cares about them--not just stuff, and cookies, and being waited on hand and foot. I have many friends who were absolutely catered to and materially and physically wanted for nothing, but they always, alway yearned for their parents to show they really cared, in deeper ways.

When I was a child, I always thought that the kids that had a stay at home mom, and plenty of money, had it all. Not so.

It really sounds like your younger children are suffering...for their sake, #1 and #2 need to go. Period.

Thanks, MrsFrk...

Because we are making every attempt to have this family therapist help us, I am staying true to what I said I''d do. I go about 2 or 3 days and then gently remind hubby to do the same. It will not be easy, and I recognize that, but unless daughter #1 or son #1 goes off at me in front of the younger kids--which they haven''t yet--then I am following the therapist''s suggestions.

Just this morning, I decided to get some cleaning done, get some cooking done(in my house, you start cooking the dinner meals early, especially when I am going to be very busy and maybe not home...then there is food for whomever is home), put away extra Christmas stuff, etc. When daughter #1 came to the kitchen, she opened the newspaper and wa-la...in the local section was an article with a nice picture of the Nutcracker event our dance studio participated in. It was a great photo of my daughter, the owner of the music academy who cohosted the event with us and the firemen who came to pick up the toys donated for those less fortunate. Well, I didn''t really take the time to read the article until later. That was when I discovered that my daughter was listed as the owner. I was like...did she tell the newspaper she was the owner or did they just presume so? Rather than jumping to conclusions, I came into my office and called the reporter listed who did the piece. She was out, so I have left her a short, concise message, stating that I appreciated her work on the article, but that I noticed a possible misprint listing my daughter as the owner, which, she is not. I quickly mentioned that our daughter is the artistic director of our studio and that my husband and myself are the owners. I concluded my message asking the reporter to please reprint the article--if possible--with the necessary corrections and that I appreciated her time, leaving my name and phone number to have her reach me directly, NOT my daughter...

Will the reporter call daughter #1? I requested she would not, but its out of my hands now. If she does, I will handle it carefully and state to my daughter that it was her responsibility to be truthful to the press in representing our family owned studio. If she flares or disrespects me, she''s gone...out. Finite.

Daughter #2 is going to a job interview for a better paying job and told me she is out of our home at the end of next week. I prefer her and son #2 over the first two of my children, unfortunately, mostly out of ease in getting along. The younger ones will be sad. Daughter #1 has no idea how upset they told me they will be if daughter #2 moves out because of her. It is partially because of her sister and also she is needing a little freedom from just family and the drama therein.

Son #1 will leave as well is he does one more thing to screw his stay here under my roof. I am the one who holds the trump power card now and my hubby knows it. He knows I mean what I say more now than ever before regarding this.

Keep the positive thoughts and prayers going for me...that is what I request most at this time...prayer IS power...

 

[BlingBlingMommy]

You''ve been in my thoughts and prayers, and came back to see how things have gone the last few days....hopefully things have settled down a little. Please give us an update when you have time.

 

[mrssalvo]

i too am was checking in for an update..i hope things are going smoothly

 

[larussel03]

I know I dont post alot here, but I too was checking in for an update. I hope things are still improving, at least slowly : )

 

[DonaBella]

I have been busy with a son with a science fair project and other wife/mother issues, so I am sorry that I have not been available to update. In all frankness, there is a little to update but not much...

Daughter #2 and I had an appt in Temecula at an esthetician school she is hoping and praying to get into. We had a great experience there and I should collect an Oscar for hiding my enthusiasm so well. I didn''t want to get too excited if things don''t pan out, yanno what I mean...

Well, its located perfectly and its just a matter of finding daughter #2 a room to rent, getting hubby to see the school and fill out paperwork so daughter #2 can have a modest student loan and give the necessary money to hold her spot. Problem: Hubby has had the week from hell, working night and day. Needless to say, he not only has not been home more than once this week to see the kids or me, but when he was home last night, he was horribly grouchy and snappy to everyone.

I found out that he has been talking my best GF''s hubby, his best friend, and coming to the realization of the depths that daughter#1 has gone to screw him and me over. He is hurt...really hurt. He is also worried about our local businesses, especially our flower shop and its future...

Hubby called a little while ago...He seems to be doing better and he and I are going out to a movie...I will post more when I know more...thanks for caring...

 

[Kaleigh]

I just wanted to say that I have been following your story and give you a big round of

Deanne. Hang in there, hugs, Lisa

Have a nice time at the movies with your hubby.