I can't believe my husband just did that

[RunningwithScissors]

Reality is that it takes really direct conversations to get us to where we want to be!

These guys aren’t mind readers though they really want to please.

He and I have had conversations for YEARS about exactly what I'd love for him to do, which is to remember my birthday, anniversary or Xmas on his own, and select a piece of bling for me, without me asking him to do it. We've had probably over 100 conversations in the span of 20 years on this topic. And I've provided him numerous lists of all different pieces that would make me really happy, and also told him he could just select something on his own from any of a number of vendors that I like. And he sounds all enthusiastic for "next time". But then next time doesn't come.

 

[Avondale]

I hear you. You want to feel like you’re worth putting the time and effort for. But he’s instead taking you for granted.

 

[RunningwithScissors]

I'm so sorry. I assume that you have told him how you feel. But if not, please do. Other than that, I'm not sure what to suggest other than learning to live with it and find pleasure in the other ways he makes you happy. If that isn't there, then maybe try counselling? You two need to get on the same wavelength about this and maybe he doesn't really think that this makes you so unhappy. Again, I'm sorry. Marriage is tough sometimes.

He knows how unhappy this makes me. We've talked about this topic over and over for 20 years. And when we talk about it, he shows lots of enthusiasm to do it for the next holiday. Then he drops the ball and doesn't.

I'm angry bc I feel I've given up so many things for him and his career (not my choice) and I'm just asking this one little thing -- for him to occasionally to speak my love language by doing this gesture. And he just can't seem to do it.

 

[RunningwithScissors]

Sorry everyone, I don't mean to complain, but I need to vent.

I appreciate everyone's responses. If I come across as upset it's not from anything anyone here has said. I'm just exasperated at the situation and that tenseness is coming across.

Love to you all here on PS.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Sorry everyone, I don't mean to complain, but I need to vent.

I appreciate everyone's responses. If I come across as upset it's not from anything anyone here has said. I'm just exasperated at the situation and that tenseness is coming across.

Love to you all here on PS.

I am sorry this is so upsetting for you. We all have things that just push our buttons over the top. I didn’t realize that you have had such extensive talks with him about this issue. When he said he didn’t get you anything for your anniversary and was that okay, did you ask him why? After your talks, it seems like that would be the elephant in the room. Considering the circumstances, I think I would ask for an explanation. Just my thoughts and feel free to ignore this if you would rather. Not trying to inflame a touchy situation.

 

[pearlsngems]

I came to realize that buying gifts on his own was not my husband's superpower. He's a generous guy and means well, but even when I told him exactly what I wanted, what it cost and where to buy it, he got the wrong thing from the wrong place.

We can't change people.

I adapted and now I buy my own gifts. It is what it is. I don't attach meaning to it. I know he loves me.
He's good at a lot of things, but not this.

 

[seaurchin]

He knows how unhappy this makes me. We've talked about this topic over and over for 20 years. And when we talk about it, he shows lots of enthusiasm to do it for the next holiday. Then he drops the ball and doesn't.

I'm angry bc I feel I've given up so many things for him and his career (not my choice) and I'm just asking this one little thing -- for him to occasionally to speak my love language by doing this gesture. And he just can't seem to do it.

Please feel free to ignore if this isn't helpful and of course no answers expected unless you feel like it.

We had something like this when I was younger but gifts aren't really my love language so it wasn't too big of a thing. And now I just happily buy the present I want and thank him for it and that's that.

But that repeated mismatch between what's said and done, that seems crazy-making to me. Being blown off would p*ss me off too.

So, what does it mean when someone's words and actions contradict each other?

Personally, I'd find it unlikely that someone could repeatedly forget something they must know is going to be an issue. So, un-psychologist that I am, I'm thinking that perhaps sending mixed messages reflects having mixed feelings.

Does that make sense? That he might want to please you at the same time there's something about the request that he dislikes for some reason, or something along those lines? Just a thought.

Good luck with it.

 

[finerthings]

@RunningwithScissors I feel your sadness and I honestly don't understand why your husband wouldn't look at you current wish list and "surprise" you with a gift that you spent time documenting. It just doesn't make sense to me. I just want to send you a big "hug".

 

[Calliecake]

@RunningwithScissors I feel your sadness and I honestly don't understand why your husband wouldn't look at you current wish list and "surprise" you with a gift that you spent time documenting. It just doesn't make sense to me. I just want to send you a big "hug".

Perfectly said @finerthings.

I’m sorry @RunningwithScissors. You can feel the hurt in your posts. I hope you husband comes to realize how important this is to you.

 

[Bonfire]

I’m sorry for your frustration and hurt @RunningwithScissors, this is important to you and it should be important to him. I hope he realizes what an extremely lucky man he is. Thank you for trusting us with your feelings.

 

[Avondale]

Husband decided he wants to make tea.

Husband decided there's something wrong with the electric kettle. Okay, happens.

Next I find husband boiling water in a pot on the stove.

Ask husband why he's boiling water.

Husband says he's making tea.

Ask husband why not just warm the water in the microwave.

Husband is confused.

I am dumbfounded.

...

He forgot we have a microwave.

 

[pearlsngems]

A couple of years ago my husband went for a walk but forgot to take along his key. When he came home he was banging on the door and the bedroom windows, but I must have been in the basement doing laundry or something as I didn't hear him. By the time I noticed him standing at the door, he was really exasperated.

"Why didn't you phone?" I asked him. He always takes his phone wherever he goes.
He looked stunned. It just hadn't occurred to him that he could have done that.

 

[LilAlex]

OK, interloping husband perspective here.

It can be hard (intimidating, even) for a man to buy jewelry for a GF or spouse. A lot of men are terrified of looking or feeling inept. I have always loved jewelry (not for me -- until recently) but never enjoyed jewelry stores. Over- or under-solicitous SAs, self-doubt about your own taste, conflicting objectives of frugality vs. making the grand gesture (we have all had each of these backfire spectacularly), not wanting to look or feel like an ill-informed clod, etc. Is the "price" actually the price? Am I supposed to haggle or is it insulting? Does this sh*t ever go on sale?! It has taken me decades to get to the point where I can walk in anywhere and poke around with confidence -- and even then there are the subtle mind games like what you have or even are is not good enough to be here. (I guess it might help if I shaved or wore a better T-shirt.) I'm great at buying jewelry now -- my wife trusts my taste more than her own to the extent that I'm sure the SAs in our (now-closed) local B&M purveyor of antique and vintage must have thought that I was some weird control freak because I always went there without her -- she had zero interest -- but she'd invariably love what I had fallen in love with and brought home.

But: she loves flowers and I hate buying flowers and seldom buy her flowers. So I am good with jewelry but still just like every other disappointing (but hopefully kind and reliable) spouse.

 

[canuk-gal]

OK, interloping husband perspective here.

It can be hard (intimidating, even) for a man to buy jewelry for a GF or spouse. A lot of men are terrified of looking or feeling inept. I have always loved jewelry (not for me -- until recently) but never enjoyed jewelry stores. Over- or under-solicitous SAs, self-doubt about your own taste, conflicting objectives of frugality vs. making the grand gesture (we have all had each of these backfire spectacularly), not wanting to look or feel like an ill-informed clod, etc. Is the "price" actually the price? Am I supposed to haggle or is it insulting? Does this sh*t ever go on sale?! It has taken me decades to get to the point where I can walk in anywhere and poke around with confidence -- and even then there are the subtle mind games like what you have or even are is not good enough to be here. (I guess it might help if I shaved or wore a better T-shirt.) I'm great at buying jewelry now -- my wife trusts my taste more than her own to the extent that I'm sure the SAs in our (now-closed) local B&M purveyor of antique and vintage must have thought that I was some weird control freak because I always went there without her -- she had zero interest -- but she'd invariably love what I had fallen in love with and brought home.

But: she loves flowers and I hate buying flowers and seldom buy her flowers. So I am good with jewelry but still just like every other disappointing (but hopefully kind and reliable) spouse.

Any flowers are good flowers...but I can't say the same about jewellery.

And poke around with confidence...looking may turn to buying...you don't need anyone's permission to look. Why else do B & M's exist?

 

[LilAlex]

So...looks like I killed it. Broke the fourth wall and all in what had been a lively and needed discussion.

Carry on -- I will not tell your husbands (we're all in another support group).

 

[pearlsngems]

Yesterday my husband went for his usual 3 mile walk. When he came home we chatted about what we want to do about getting a new mattress.

Only then did he mention he'd tripped on uneven sidewalk and fallen. He had a nasty looking abrasion on the underside of his right forearm near the elbow, plus abrasions on the right knee, lower leg and left hand!

He was only a short way into the walk when he fell. But did he call me? Get a ride home so he could clean up and take care of the wounds? Did it occur to him that at 78 a hard fall isn't something to blow off? Nooo, not at all. He used his water bottle to rinse the wounds, and kept walking for another 45 minutes.

My reaction:
I made him promise to call me if he has another fall. And told him he needs to pay more attention as he walks.

 

[Avondale]

Some stereotypes are bad. Others are deeply rooted in reality.

There are two types of men.
Men who suffer from severe life-threatening colds.
And men who wouldn’t admit they got bruised even if they got hit on the head by a falling meteorite.

I honestly don’t know which is worse.

 

[pearlsngems]

Some stereotypes are bad. Others are deeply rooted in reality.

There are two types of men.
Men who suffer from severe life-threatening colds.
And men who wouldn’t admit they got bruised even if they got hit on the head by a falling meteorite.

I honestly don’t know which is worse.

My husband bought a meteorite at a mineral show! Yeah, I guess he's in the latter category.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

@pearlsngems I know many people (patients) are reluctant to discuss falls because they believe it indicates frailty, poor judgement, etc, and no one wants to be viewed through that lens. Furthermore it seems your DH had one of those "embarrassing falls" (not due to low BP or other medical issues) which might contribute to him not bringing it up. Just a thought.

cheers--Sharon

 

[pearlsngems]

HI:

@pearlsngems I know many people (patients) are reluctant to discuss falls because they believe it indicates frailty, poor judgement, etc, and no one wants to be viewed through that lens. Furthermore it seems your DH had one of those "embarrassing falls" (not due to low BP or other medical issues) which might contribute to him not bringing it up. Just a thought.

cheers--Sharon

I get that, but he skinned himself pretty well and needed help applying knee-size bandages to his arm and lower leg, so there wasn't going to be any concealing it. He just chuckled that he was ok.

This is his 3rd fall in 2 months. In July he stepped backwards and tripped over a 2x4 that was next to the brick walk he was fixing. He fell onto gravel and got some minor abrasions.
In August when we were at Ikea, he was walking between some lounge chairs and fell over a footstool that he hadn't noticed. I was walking on ahead and heard a loud thump. There he was on the floor. No bruises, no abrasions.

My grandmother broke her hip tripping over a footstool; two months later she died from complications. Falls in the elderly can be very consequential. I really hope he is more attentive to where he is going!

 

[canuk-gal]

I get that, but he skinned himself pretty well and needed help applying knee-size bandages to his arm and lower leg, so there wasn't going to be any concealing it. He just chuckled that he was ok.

This is his 3rd fall in 2 months. In July he stepped backwards and tripped over a 2x4 that was next to the brick walk he was fixing. He fell onto gravel and got some minor abrasions.
In August when we were at Ikea, he was walking between some lounge chairs and fell over a footstool that he hadn't noticed. I was walking on ahead and heard a loud thump. There he was on the floor. No bruises, no abrasions.

My grandmother broke her hip tripping over a footstool; two months later she died from complications. Falls in the elderly can be very consequential. I really hope he is more attentive to where he is going!

Oh I am not diminishing the severity of his fall. All taken very seriously. Being at risk for falls is worry some. Sorry.

 

[LilAlex]

This is his 3rd fall in 2 months. In July he stepped backwards and tripped over a 2x4 that was next to the brick walk he was fixing.

Lots of reasons to fall but in an otherwise-fit person without obvious risk factors, and the way you describe these events, this could be a peripheral-vision thing. So maybe consider checking for glaucoma (visual fields), especially if there is a family history. Similar: when we hike a trail that is kind of cut into a rock face with a lot of outcroppings, I always need to remember to take my hat off (can't see what I'm about to walk into). Learned that the hard way -- well, after failing to learn it the hard way a few times prior.

 

[Lookinagain]

I was also going to suggest his eyesight, and also to make sure he doesn't have any dizziness when he's walking.

 

[Mreader]

My bestest friend took the vintage French Champagne I had bought her for her 21st (it was very expensive but she was deserving of it) to a new depth.
Imagine my horror when she brought out jam jar glasses filled with reconstituted orange juice and ice cubes then topped them up with said champagne.

No no no no noooooooooooo! So much no!

 

[pearlsngems]

Lots of reasons to fall but in an otherwise-fit person without obvious risk factors, and the way you describe these events, this could be a peripheral-vision thing. So maybe consider checking for glaucoma (visual fields), especially if there is a family history. Similar: when we hike a trail that is kind of cut into a rock face with a lot of outcroppings, I always need to remember to take my hat off (can't see what I'm about to walk into). Learned that the hard way -- well, after failing to learn it the hard way a few times prior.

Thank you. He got new glasses a few months ago (loves them) but is also seeing his eye dr. for his annual visit Thursday. They always test for intra-ocular pressures; his are always normal but glaucoma can begin at any time.

He also doesn't get dizzy. Blood pressure is also under control.

 

[ItsMainelyYou]

My little idiot of the meteorite camp, whom I love against reason, was on the third floor of the general store(our giant barn) two weeks ago tending to some repair and was holding a boxcutter while up a ladder. A wasp stung his opposite forearm and what does he do? Slaps down without thinking and sliced the absolute crap out of his arm. He climbed down the ladder and wrapped an old tshirt around it. Does the wounded waddle back into the kitchen and I of course am not pleased, he just holds out a bloody tshirt arm and says, "I killed the wasp."
He's lucky I'm quite adept at wound dressing. I had to uncurl the skin as best I could. I can only do so much without a suite of tools and the good topicals. Wouldn't go during the window for stitching so my ministrations hurt. I warned him. Serves him right.
I made him go to the walk in the next morning anyway and they admired my work and told him it will scar, which is exactly what I told him the night before.
Luckily, it was a brand new blade and he had it at an angle. I had to be up at 4am to rewrap every morning for a week to keep an eye on it. He handled it after that.
This is a man who bears watching.
He was able to get through replacing a ton of clapboard on sections of the house without mishap since and we're starting on painting the house tomorrow...yes, he has a harness I force him to wear. For good reason. Stories for another day.
Too many.

And he cut down my hydrangeas this afternoon because of the work we're having done to the front of the house. My poor, lovely Nico Blues. Decimated! It has to be done, they'll grow back, but I still irrationally blame him. He brought in a bouquet.

Dispatches from Hobbiton.