I have to tell someone before I start crying...

[FrekeChild]

I have some big turtles that have nasty looking claws that probably wouldn''t mind attacking your horrible in-laws. I''d volunteer my hamsters too, but they are pretty wimpy next to the turtles.

Seriously Italia, they''d get some verbal retaliation from me. I hope you''re doing alright.

 

[ladypirate]

*hugs* Italia

I can''t believe these people! Count our new kitties in on the posse (and I''ll volunteer my parent''s vicious toy poodle--she''s terrifying!)

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thank you all so much.

I''ve spent a lot of time thinking about it, and I''m still terribly hurt. My DH wanted to leave Christmas this year about an hour after we arrived, but for the sake of the holiday and the rest of his family I pushed him to stay.

So, again, thank you all...

 

[cbs102]

you are a brave woman italia. i give you so much credit!

 

[AmberGretchen]

I''m so sorry you are still (understandably) hurt - I know that you and your DH will find a resolution that works for you both, but in the meantime ((HUGS)) for this situation that you are in.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 1/2/2009 1:19:01 PM
Author: AmberGretchen
I''m so sorry you are still (understandably) hurt - I know that you and your DH will find a resolution that works for you both, but in the meantime ((HUGS)) for this situation that you are in.

Ditto Amber.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 1/2/2009 12:08:59 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Thank you all so much.

I''ve spent a lot of time thinking about it, and I''m still terribly hurt. My DH wanted to leave Christmas this year about an hour after we arrived, but for the sake of the holiday and the rest of his family I pushed him to stay.

So, again, thank you all...

i''m sorry you experienced what you did but i''m shaking my head over the fact that your hubby wanted to leave and you pushed him to stay............for the sake of a holiday they obviously don''t respect. i don''t mean to be overly blunt with my honest take on this but imo you''re giving your husband mixed messages about what you want and expect from him regarding the inappropriate behavior of his immediate family. i''m not sure that you''re clear iin your own mind what you expect. i suspect you want to be accepted into his family and treated as a part of it but have not yet figured out that the only way these people will accept you is as their personal doormat. if you continue to put yourself in that position, you will continue to feel terribly hurt. i hope you and your husband have a long and very honest discussion about this recent experience as well as prior ones. pushing your hubby to stay after he said he wanted to leave may have undermined his position in standing up to these people regarding his relationship with you and his expectations of how the two of you are to be treated. please do take the time to read the books i suggested. its time for you to look at your role in what is going on. and no time like the present! its a new year and time to develop new ways of interacting with these people. good luck.

movie zombie

 

[coatimundi_org]

(((hugs)))
I hope the rest of your holiday is good. You''ve had to deal with enough--hope you and your husband get a chance to enjoy the weekend.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Moviezombie, you're right. I might have made the wrong decision urging my husband to stay. But, this was his Grandmothers first Christmas as a widow...and out of respect for her, because she wanted to be with her family, I sucked it up. Before my husband and I married, actually during my first Christmas with his family, I promised my husband I would never make his choose between his family and me...and I couldn't justify making a scene and leaving. Maybe I should have chosen that moment to make a stand...but I couldn't...and even it means I have to "deal" with this for a while longer, until a moment moment arises (and it will, I now believe that) then thats fine.

Here is what happened over the weekend....

First of all Chicago was hit with a pretty nasty ice storm...Mark and I had been watching the weather, and decided leaving at 1am would allow us to beat the storm, and arrive in time (11 am ) so that I could take advantage of post-holiday sales (which, over the past 3 years I haven't been able to do...btw...because we go to his parents home).

At about 10am we called my MIL from the road to let her know we were about an hour outside Pitts, and would be heading to Target first...and to see if she'd like to join us...she got pouty on the phone, said no, and also informed us that the family picture had changed time from 5pm to 1pm. We were like "okay, no problem!" and she went on to ask us to go to her house before going to hotel...Mark told her that was impossbile because we still needed to shopping (2nd time we had to tell her) and get ready for the photo (by the time we got in to town, we had 2 hours before the photo). She got very icy on the phone, and practically hung up on him.

We hussled thru the store, got cleaned up and went to house...we were so rushed, and I was practically panicing...only to find out that my SIL/BIL were "running late" and they had pushed the picture back to 2pm....only, no one called to tell us...

Once my BIL/SIL arrived, they hung out and finally got dressed...Mark decided to unload presents, and I (in my black dress) stayed in the kitchen to call my Mom. Left alone with my BIL & FIL they started making comments about wearing all black and how we all look like we're "Othrodox Jews" and all we needed were curly side burns. My Father is jewish, they know this...and I was crushed hearing it. Outraged actually. Both of these men can visit us in our home, my Father (the Jewish man) is good enough to pay for their dinners...but behind his back, and to my face they will talk s***. I excused myself to the bathroom, and cried.

I couldn't even hide my disgust. It was that moment that I became extremely cold towards them, going thru the motions without "checking in". I said no when they asked if I wanted a picture with just Mark and I. I forced a smile, and held back tears feeling like a total fraud--smiling with a bunch of fakes. At the picture my MIL requested a "family only" photo of just her, FIL and the boys...she, laid across my husband and BIL lap....it was distrubing.

At the photo was when my husband wanted to pack up and go home after I told him about the Jewish joke...he was literally shaking with anger...this is when I pushed to stay...

And the dartboard comment was made during family gift exchange...I was still pissed at my FIL, so when he came at me to get a photo, I turned away. He said he wanted the picture for his dartboard, I told him he was unfatherly...he told me I wasn't much of a daughter-in-law.

Oh...ETA:

And for Christmas...my SIL and I recieved nearly the same gifts...I got calander of shoes, a robe, a blanket, paper, cocktail stirrer (my DH and I do not drink), a labler (I have one), and a cheapy ultra sonic cleaner...my SIL got a calander of art, pajamas, a robe, paper (bigger pack than mine, LOL) and a very nice GPS system.

I'm not pointing that out to be ungrateful...only to shine a spotlight on how differently they treat us.

 

[Lorelei]

Italia, I am really sorry that you have to suffer so due to the ignorance of these people. I think your Husband is going to have to let them know in no uncertain terms that he will not tolerate this despicable treatment of his wife.

Sending you a hug (((()))))

 

[movie zombie]

read the books, Italian, read the books............

movie zombie

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Considering that last comment he made, I think I would never go there again. Go visit the grandmother, but I honestly wouldn''t set foot in their house again.

 

[Haven]

Oh, Italia, I am so sorry.
I think you handled yourself with grace, I certainly know that I wouldn''t have been able to do so in that situation. My father is a member of the Jewish clergy (he''s a cantor) so I''ve heard my fair share of anti-semitic remarks, and I''ve never once been able to bite my lip through them.

I say good for you for conducting yourself in a respectable manner, and I certainly hope that you can find a way to keep the stress and negativity these people have out of your life as much as possible.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

In my opinion, the comment about looking like an orthodox Jew isn''t offensive because it''s just a common image to allude to - it''s the fact that they are hateful people who obviously want to hurt your feelings, so anything they say is going to be taken with malicious intent. I only say this because I tried to think about how I''d feel if someone said, "Waving their arms like a Baptist preacher" (talk with hands) or "Is that your pope hat?" (funny looking hat) or "Singing in choir this Sunday?" (wearing a robe) and none of that would bother me if it were someone who was nice and loved me. I''d even laugh at the image it conjures. However, if someone who had made fun of my faith or insulted my religion in the past made these comments, I''d definitely bristle.


I''m sorry your relatives are cold and mean-spirited toward you, but I am glad that your husband is putting his new family (you) first.

 

[steph72276]

ah, sorry honey you had to go through this at the holidays...how stressful!

 

[Haven]

Date: 1/3/2009 3:30:37 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
In my opinion, the comment about looking like an orthodox Jew isn''t offensive because it''s just a common image to allude to - it''s the fact that they are hateful people who obviously want to hurt your feelings, so anything they say is going to be taken with malicious intent. I only say this because I tried to think about how I''d feel if someone said, ''Waving their arms like a Baptist preacher'' (talk with hands) or ''Is that your pope hat?'' (funny looking hat) or ''Singing in choir this Sunday?'' (wearing a robe) and none of that would bother me if it were someone who was nice and loved me. I''d even laugh at the image it conjures. However, if someone who had made fun of my faith or insulted my religion in the past made these comments, I''d definitely bristle.

I''m sorry your relatives are cold and mean-spirited toward you, but I am glad that your husband is putting his new family (you) first.

Hmm. I disagree. I think the "all we need are curly sideburns" comment, added to the "we look like Orthodox Jews" comments makes for an offensive exchange. It also shows their extreme ignorance.

And, anyway, the bottom line with issues like this (IMO) is that it doesn''t matter if YOU think the comment is offensive, unless YOU are the person who was being targeted when the comment was made, as was Italia, in this situation. (e.g. I''m a University of Illinois alum. We have had long-standing issues with our mascot, Chief Illiniwek, because Native American tribes find him to be an offensive symbol. Now, in my opinion, it doesn''t really matter if I, or you, or the Chancellor, agrees that the Chief is offensive. If the people being represented (or misrepresented) find the comment/symbol/mascot offensive, then it is offensive. It''s not up to me to decide what does or does not offend others. I have no right to do so, as I am not the people being represented or made fun of.

Italia--Again, I''m sorry.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Instead of starting a new thread, I figured I just "talk it out" on this one...

I was writing my usual thank you notes for the holidays to my in-laws...and it dawned on me...I don''t care anymore. I usually write very personal thank you notes...like, thank you for the lovely whatever, I plan to use it in such-and-such a way...but as I was writing out my thank you''s it hit me like BAM, I have nothing to thank them for, what am I supposed to say "thank you for the lable maker and gel pens" when I feel like these gifts were all so under-thought and not my style at all? It''s like I''ve stopped caring and that even making the effort to think of something nice and warm to say would be to much effort now.

I think I''ve reached the point where there has been so much damage done that now I''m just tired. I''ve been swimming upstream for 3 years now, and I cannot do it any more. They made the decision 3 years ago that I wasn''t good enough for their son, and they didn''t like me. I''ve then spent the last 3 years trying to prove them wrong. But now I feel like its okay to dislike them based solely on the way they have mistreated me.

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/5/2009 12:56:56 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
. But now I feel like its okay to dislike them based solely on the way they have mistreated me.

IMO, it is.

Write a thank you card. With the pens. "Thank you for the gel pens and the label maker. - Italia" Because even if it''s not a great note, you''re a classy lady, and classy ladies write thank you notes, and then they can''t hold it over your head that you didn''t write one.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 1/5/2009 3:01:57 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 1/5/2009 12:56:56 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
. But now I feel like its okay to dislike them based solely on the way they have mistreated me.

IMO, it is.

Write a thank you card. With the pens. ''Thank you for the gel pens and the label maker. - Italia'' Because even if it''s not a great note, you''re a classy lady, and classy ladies write thank you notes, and then they can''t hold it over your head that you didn''t write one.

I agree, just write a very simple and brief note as Princess suggested above.

 

[Po10472]

Date: 1/5/2009 3:06:58 PM
Author: Lorelei

Date: 1/5/2009 3:01:57 PM
Author: princesss


Date: 1/5/2009 12:56:56 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
. But now I feel like its okay to dislike them based solely on the way they have mistreated me.


Write a thank you card. With the pens. ''Thank you for the gel pens and the label maker. - Italia'' Because even if it''s not a great note, you''re a classy lady, and classy ladies write thank you notes, and then they can''t hold it over your head that you didn''t write one.

I agree, just write a very simple and brief note as Princess suggested above.

They are the ones with the problem, even though you have tried for your DH to love his family and have a close bond with them, they don''t want that with you because you stole their son/brother from them. This is basically what the problem is, your DH loves you and has chosen you and they can''t deal with that so don''t take it personally. Your DH loves you and when push comes to shove, will stand up for you over his family and he proved that.

I realised quite quickly that this is the same for my monster-IL. She doesn''t want to share her son with another woman and that''s never going to change.

After 3 years, its time to walk away but do it with your head held high! Write the thank you note, short but sweet, done and dusted.

 

[Steel]

Italia, I am so very sorry. Hugs.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thanks ladies....

I did write the note...but mentioned nothing about the gifts...

"Dear Mom & Dad,
Thank you for a nice holiday. Mark and I enjoyed seeing everyone. Hopefully we''ll get together in the new year sometime soon.
Love Ashley and Mark"

That was it...short sweet, little fluffed up...but I didn''t mention the gifts...my fear is *encouraging* that stuff, like gushing over it means I liked something that that I really couldn''t care less about, and ergo will receive more or less the the same stuff.

I want to write...

"FIL & MIL,
Thank you for reaffirming the fact that I am not, nor will I ever be, part of your family. Thank you for making me feel uncomfortable, unwelcome and banishing me with your words to the bathroom where I did cry over the fact I finally figure you out and am terribly disappointed. But, sincerely, thank you for giving me three soild years of trying and failing with you all, I have enjoyed it.
It was wonderful to see everyone, and sit quietly by myself since the only people that talk to me when I visit you is my husband, your neighbors and your extended family. Thank you for voicing your opinion when it comes the anything and everything that doesn''t really concern you. Thank you for be so bold as to show my husband with your actions that I am not crazy.
Thank you "banning" me from further family gatherings, that was the truest gift you have ever given me.

Sincerely Your Son''s Wife,
Ashley

P.S: I have inclosed a picture of myself for your dartboard, happy birthday in advance".

But, of course, thats just a dream...

 

[AmberGretchen]

Hmmm...I like the second one

Seriously though, you have now been the bigger person, and you will feel better in the long term for it.

One piece of advice I''d like to pass on, for what its worth. I have some very toxic people in my life, including some I''m related to. A few years ago, I went to speak to a counselor about this (not my first time). He told me that the best thing I could possibly do, was let go of the feeling of obligation to try to make relationships work with these people because of who they were in my life, and distance myself emotionally as much as possible, by distancing myself physically if necessary.

And you know what? It worked better than anything else I''ve ever tried. Without these people imposing on my life, I felt a profound sense of empowerment, and was able to achieve a number of things I''d struggled with before, including losing an extra 50 lbs and keeping it off. And over the 2+ years since I started this distancing process, I really have achieved a lot of emotional distance. Enough that I''m almost ready to start having a relationship with these people again, but on my own terms, and I know that their disapproval and hurtfulness will not affect my life anymore.

Anyway, I just wanted to put that out there in case its helpful - creating emotional distance is really one of the best strategies I''ve found for people like your in-laws, and it sounds like you''ve already started to do that. I really think it is the only solution here to help you maintain your sanity and integrity and your loving marriage.

 

[Gypsy]

Yeah. Definitely in the B-Slap camp here. You can have Lucy, she's a vicious little thing when she wants to be. And Hally's a sociopath, so you can have her too. Heck, if Jett were still alive I'd throw him in as well. Just for you FIL and his "not much of a DIL" comment.

At one holiday one of DH's BIL's was drinking and made a comment that all of the middle east should be nuked to oblivion, and everyone in it. I'm Persian. I got up and left the room, DH tore into him and then he came and said that we should leave. I agreed, and we left. And my in laws like me. I cant' imagine sitting through that.

 

[Steel]

Italia, I am glad you can vent and kinda see a funnier side through this misery.

But, for what it is worth - you should send the second note too!

 

[zhuzhu]

{{{{{{{{{{{HUGGGGS}}}}}}}}
I am so sorry that you had to endure all that this holiday. It is surely not easy to find perfect ILs in today''s world. I am thinking of you and giving you all the support. Hopefully you will never have to put up with mistreatment from them ever again.

 

[777_LDY]

Date: 1/5/2009 12:56:56 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

I think I''ve reached the point where there has been so much damage done that now I''m just tired. I''ve been swimming upstream for 3 years now, and I cannot do it any more. They made the decision 3 years ago that I wasn''t good enough for their son, and they didn''t like me. I''ve then spent the last 3 years trying to prove them wrong. But now I feel like its okay to dislike them based solely on the way they have mistreated me.

I could have written this, and your second thank you note too...

Only I have been dealing with this for over nine years.

And I am so so tired.

I''m going through the same type of drama with my in laws. I was even going to start a thread about it, but I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone or something and can''t even make sense of it all to even write about it, so I am just going to chime in and send you a hug. I know exactly how you feel.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 1/6/2009 6:04:32 PM
Author: 777_LDY

Date: 1/5/2009 12:56:56 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

I think I''ve reached the point where there has been so much damage done that now I''m just tired. I''ve been swimming upstream for 3 years now, and I cannot do it any more. They made the decision 3 years ago that I wasn''t good enough for their son, and they didn''t like me. I''ve then spent the last 3 years trying to prove them wrong. But now I feel like its okay to dislike them based solely on the way they have mistreated me.

I could have written this, and your second thank you note too...

Only I have been dealing with this for over nine years.

And I am so so tired.

I''m going through the same type of drama with my in laws. I was even going to start a thread about it, but I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone or something and can''t even make sense of it all to even write about it, so I am just going to chime in and send you a hug. I know exactly how you feel.

I am really sorry you''re trapped too. It''s the worst feeling in the world.

My MIL called me last night to ask a question about registering the Coach bag I bought her...I blew her off and let my husband handle it. I now know that I am truly done...that I''ve excused myself from any further back bends. I hope you give yourself the same permission too!

 

[777_LDY]

Date: 1/7/2009 10:41:50 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 1/6/2009 6:04:32 PM
Author: 777_LDY

Date: 1/5/2009 12:56:56 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

I think I've reached the point where there has been so much damage done that now I'm just tired. I've been swimming upstream for 3 years now, and I cannot do it any more. They made the decision 3 years ago that I wasn't good enough for their son, and they didn't like me. I've then spent the last 3 years trying to prove them wrong. But now I feel like its okay to dislike them based solely on the way they have mistreated me.

I could have written this, and your second thank you note too...

Only I have been dealing with this for over nine years.

And I am so so tired.

I'm going through the same type of drama with my in laws. I was even going to start a thread about it, but I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone or something and can't even make sense of it all to even write about it, so I am just going to chime in and send you a hug. I know exactly how you feel.

I am really sorry you're trapped too. It's the worst feeling in the world.

My MIL called me last night to ask a question about registering the Coach bag I bought her...I blew her off and let my husband handle it. I now know that I am truly done...that I've excused myself from any further back bends. I hope you give yourself the same permission too!

It really is.

Honestly, I wish I could be that strong, but I know me. I have this constant need for acceptance. Doesn't matter anyway because they will not speak to me regardless of what happened. My MIL is embarrassed because she knows she created the mess we are all in and stone cold silence is how she handles things. It's very unfortunate.

I am glad that you are standing your ground. The way you have been mistreated is awful. Thank goodness your DH is there with you. I wish I could say the same for mine...

I must add that I gave up giving my MIL expensive gifts after she was constantly regifting or returning. This year I gave them a picture of our children (the one print cost nearly $100, plus a frame so it wasn't like it was cheap...) in hopes that they would just try to remember that they are their grandchildren too. If you read the other thread you'll understand why...

 

[movie zombie]

i hope that now that she is on your sh@t list you won''t be gifting her with Coach bags!!!!!!!

movie zombie