I pulled a Carrie . . .

[sklingem]

BTW - I hope that most ladies here (will) let their F join in the gown selection process as well! Joint decisions on important items that come out of a common budget ... seems to fit the bill!

 

[FrekeChild]

Actually Rob, BF insists I wear white. Other than that he doesn''t want to know what it looks like until the day. And besides, for us it wouldn''t be a joint purchase. The dress is something that my parents will insist on buying, and so they will get more say in it than BF.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/9/2008 1:54:16 PM
Author: rob09
BTW - I hope that most ladies here (will) let their F join in the gown selection process as well! Joint decisions on important items that come out of a common budget ... seems to fit the bill!

Actually, yeah, J and I have looked at some wedding dresses together (just pictures, I haven't tried any on yet), but he's told me he doesn't care what I pick out as long as he can see a bit of cleavage.

Sorry, kittybean! Will stop hijacking your thread now.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 6/9/2008 1:54:16 PM
Author: rob09
BTW - I hope that most ladies here (will) let their F join in the gown selection process as well! Joint decisions on important items that come out of a common budget ... seems to fit the bill!

Not only did I get his approval on my gown choice, I also bowed to his preference on overall e-ring style and will be going with how he prefers my hair even though I had planned something else. We''ll also probably be having a backyard BBQ cookout reception, because he doesn''t like fuss.

As for the e-ring being a ''gift'', there are very few gifts that are expected to be worn every day and shown to all and sundry.

It''s inconsiderate and disrespectful not to keep the receiver''s preferences in mind. I wouldn''t buy my guy a huge widescreeen Standard Definition TV without his knowledge, insist that he only watch this TV for the rest of his life, and then get my panties in a twist when he''s disappointed it''s not HD, despite me knowing that he prefers HD so much he doesn''t watch SD anymore.

 

[kittybean]

Thanks to everyone for your valuable input so far on this incredibly hard situation. I think I''m going to keep my mouth shut until after the proposal. As one of you suggested, I will be able to say with all honesty that the center stone is perfect and exactly what I wanted. I think I will then be able to say that this setting just doesn''t look right on my tiny finger, and that I would like to set it differently if that''s okay with him. If I fall in love with it as is, all''s well that ends well.

As far as the snooping goes, I would''ve never known if this paper weren''t in with some of my papers. Although I guess it could be a set-up, I truly don''t think it is. The paper also had the description of the ring in big letters at the top of the page--I read that before I even figured out what the paper was. I guess I could have refrained from looking at it on the Internet, but for all intents and purposes, I accidentally discovered exactly what it looked like from the description. I''m not trying to excuse my behavior--I probably should''ve put the paper away immediately upon realizing what it was, but I''ve been a little hurt and irritated at the fact that he excluded me from the process when he knows it''s very important to me. That bad little part of me wanted to know what he chose without me. I realize it''s a gift, but unlike, say, a dress or an ice cream maker I''m less than excited about, I have to (and want to!) wear it every day, show it to everyone I know, and have it be part of my appearance for the rest of my life.

For those of you that are curious as to what this ring actually looks like, I am attaching a photo. It is a Blue Nile ring. For those of you with experience with this company, is it possible to reset it if I want?

On the wedding dress/wedding topic, I am perfectly happy to allow him to have as much say as he would like. In fact, he has already ruled out some colors for the wedding (no colors or variations on colors of his most despised football teams), and he has told me how many groomsmen he would like. Honestly, if he wanted to come dress shopping with me, I would definitely let him and value his opinion if he had one. Also, there is no way I would buy his ring without his input, even though that will be a gift from me. If he has to wear it every day, I would rather him pick out the perfect one.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I wanted to point out that my FI has made as many decisions about the wedding as I have and the only things he doesn''t have input in are the flowers and only because he doesn''t care. Everything else we are equal in, so it would have been unfair for him to have picked out the ring without me when everything else was done together.
I don''t see the engagement ring as a gift. Legally, if it were strictly a gift, it would stay with recieving party no matter what. However, in most staes the law says the ring is a seal of commitment and as such the one who breaks the engagement doesn''t get the ring. So legally, it is seperate from a gift. I don''t see it as a gift and neither does my FI; we see it as a tangeble piece of proof of our commitment and as it is about us, we both had say in it.

To the OP, if you want to say something a little more gentle when talking to him, how about something like: "I really want a ring that makes me smile as much when I look at it as when I look at you and this simply isn''t that ring". That way you are not being harsh but are still getting the point across about the change and why it is important.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/9/2008 3:06:10 PM
Author: kittybean
Thanks to everyone for your valuable input so far on this incredibly hard situation. I think I''m going to keep my mouth shut until after the proposal. As one of you suggested, I will be able to say with all honesty that the center stone is perfect and exactly what I wanted. I think I will then be able to say that this setting just doesn''t look right on my tiny finger, and that I would like to set it differently if that''s okay with him. If I fall in love with it as is, all''s well that ends well.

As far as the snooping goes, I would''ve never known if this paper weren''t in with some of my papers. Although I guess it could be a set-up, I truly don''t think it is. The paper also had the description of the ring in big letters at the top of the page--I read that before I even figured out what the paper was. I guess I could have refrained from looking at it on the Internet, but for all intents and purposes, I accidentally discovered exactly what it looked like from the description. I''m not trying to excuse my behavior--I probably should''ve put the paper away immediately upon realizing what it was, but I''ve been a little hurt and irritated at the fact that he excluded me from the process when he knows it''s very important to me. That bad little part of me wanted to know what he chose without me. I realize it''s a gift, but unlike, say, a dress or an ice cream maker I''m less than excited about, I have to (and want to!) wear it every day, show it to everyone I know, and have it be part of my appearance for the rest of my life.

For those of you that are curious as to what this ring actually looks like, I am attaching a photo. It is a Blue Nile ring. For those of you with experience with this company, is it possible to reset it if I want?

On the wedding dress/wedding topic, I am perfectly happy to allow him to have as much say as he would like. In fact, he has already ruled out some colors for the wedding (no colors or variations on colors of his most despised football teams), and he has told me how many groomsmen he would like. Honestly, if he wanted to come dress shopping with me, I would definitely let him and value his opinion if he had one. Also, there is no way I would buy his ring without his input, even though that will be a gift from me. If he has to wear it every day, I would rather him pick out the perfect one.

Kitty...see its all about personal preference. I think that ring is stunning. A beautiful choice.

As for the gown...nope, not a chance LOL. He has not and will not see my gown until the day of the wedding. I won''t even let him see my online profile with my favorite dresses. I was going to show him a few bridesmaid dresses for my BF''s upcoming wedding and when I realized that it also showed my wedding dresses, I shut the screen off. He can have an input on all other things...color, venue, food, music, etc. but I want to WOW him the day of the wedding. Whenever I go to weddings, I always look at the groom when the bride is walking in. His face is always classic. That''s the face I want.

 

[Kayakqueen83]

I''m sorry you are not completely ecstatic about the ring style. I would suggest that you wait a little bit before bringing it up to your fiance. Who knows, maybe you will love it once it is on your finger? I don''t know how your fiance would feel about the situation but I know that my BF would be really sad if I told him I didn''t like what he picked out. So I would defiantly tread lightly on this situation.

BTW... I had a different impression of how the ring would look like and after seeing a picture I really think it is beautiful. I love that the center stone stands out and the rounds are the same width as the band. It is very similar to a pave look, IMO. It looks great to me!

Good luck!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 6/9/2008 1:54:16 PM
Author: rob09
BTW - I hope that most ladies here (will) let their F join in the gown selection process as well! Joint decisions on important items that come out of a common budget ... seems to fit the bill!

SO doesn't want any direct input on things like that. We actually had this discussion on the weekend and he was like, 'thank god I don't have to do the dress shopping thing'! He HATES shopping. But I will absolutely be keeping his preferences in mind when I am dress shopping! After all, I want to look good for him. [Then again, he/we probably won't be paying for the dress anyway. My parents will probably help out with the wedding costs significantly.]

Though I think a more fair comparison is the wedding gift and/or engagement gift I'll be getting him. And that will be picked out according to what he wants (boudoir photos, anyone?). I wouldn't give him a KitchenAid mixer or something, LOL.


kittybean: I'm curious to see the ring on IRL. I can't quite imagine what it'd look like on the finger.

 

[sklingem]

Good move Kittybean. That is a nice ring, but again, it is all about personal preference.
As for the wedding gown - what do these poor men do on their wedding day when they realize that they really don''t like the gown???? No recourse possible at that point! So much for that ... but hey, it is all about the bride, who are we kidding!!

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

oh kittybean, this ring is beautiful! I thought he bought a ring with 3 smaller emeralds (and 2 RB''s) in it instead of ONE big emerald centrestone with smaller RB side stones! - THIS RING you posted here is soooo beautiful - and if your problem is just that you''d like a halo instead of the sidestones, I think there is no big deal in changing that! anyway, I love that design and it is very classy and beautiful!

 

[fieryred33143]

It is all about the bride LOL…just kidding!!

But seriously though, the way I see it is that if you two know each other then you should know her style of clothing. If she generally picks clothing that you don’t like, then absolutely you should have an input. But if you have loved her style thus far, why would she do a total 360 (or is it 180? LOL) when picking her dress?

My boyfriend doesn’t like lace so that’s out and I’ve noticed his reaction to dresses that we see on TV so I have an idea of what not to do. I definitely know he loves strapless. Other than that, I want it to be a surprise.

 

[sklingem]

"But seriously though, the way I see it is that if you two know each other then you should know her style of clothing. If she generally picks clothing that you don’t like, then absolutely you should have an input. But if you have loved her style thus far, why would she do a total 360 (or is it 180? LOL) when picking her dress?"

Yup - that is why I got her an e-ring without her DIRECT input ...

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 6/9/2008 3:45:29 PM
Author: rob09
''But seriously though, the way I see it is that if you two know each other then you should know her style of clothing. If she generally picks clothing that you don’t like, then absolutely you should have an input. But if you have loved her style thus far, why would she do a total 360 (or is it 180? LOL) when picking her dress?''

Yup - that is why I got her an e-ring without her DIRECT input ...

Unless YOU will be the one wearing the dress though.... and daily at that....

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/9/2008 3:47:37 PM
Author: absolut_blonde

Date: 6/9/2008 3:45:29 PM

Author: rob09

''But seriously though, the way I see it is that if you two know each other then you should know her style of clothing. If she generally picks clothing that you don’t like, then absolutely you should have an input. But if you have loved her style thus far, why would she do a total 360 (or is it 180? LOL) when picking her dress?''


Yup - that is why I got her an e-ring without her DIRECT input ...

Unless YOU will be the one wearing the dress though.... and daily at that....

Alright, I think I''d like to see Rob in a dress!

 

[sklingem]

I can wear any dress I want! Even without my GF''s input! LOL

 

[kittybean]

Rob: your comments made me smile. From what you said, I inferred that you are allowing your girlfriend some input, but not direct input on her e-ring. I think this is a good move, and given that you''re on PS, I''m sure you''ll make (or have made) a wonderful choice. My question: how you would feel if she didn''t agree with your choice? I''m trying to determine what my boyfriend''s reaction would be if and when I expressed that sentiment. What if the ring you picked just didn''t look right on her finger? Would you want her to tell you, and if so, when? Thanks--I appreciate having a male perspective!

Fieryred, Kayakqueen, Ms.Dreamy: I''m glad you like it! I think your opinions made me more open to the idea of liking it as is.

I agree with absolut_blonde: I think I need to see it IRL and on my finger. The band is pretty wide--3.5mm. I''m concerned that it might take up all the available ring space on my finger and will leave no room for a wedding band--this is why I really wanted a more delicate setting. My favorite rings right now have < 2mm bands, and they look just about right on my hand.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/9/2008 4:23:09 PM
Author: kittybean
Rob: your comments made me smile. From what you said, I inferred that you are allowing your girlfriend some input, but not direct input on her e-ring.

Going by his other threads, I think Rob has bought the ring and he and his girlfriend haven''t even talked seriously about marriage yet, let alone discussed what she would want/not want in an engagement ring...

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 6/9/2008 4:28:34 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 6/9/2008 4:23:09 PM
Author: kittybean
Rob: your comments made me smile. From what you said, I inferred that you are allowing your girlfriend some input, but not direct input on her e-ring.

Going by his other threads, I think Rob has bought the ring and he and his girlfriend haven''t even talked seriously about marriage yet, let alone discussed what she would want/not want in an engagement ring...

It''s still a LOT better than the men who don''t come across with ANY ring or proposal

Better a ring that you had no input on, than waiting for the ring that never materializes. Hopefully his future FI will see it that way too. I guess we''ll have to follow his saga as it unfolds

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/9/2008 4:34:35 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 6/9/2008 4:28:34 PM

Author: gwendolyn

Date: 6/9/2008 4:23:09 PM

Author: kittybean

Rob: your comments made me smile. From what you said, I inferred that you are allowing your girlfriend some input, but not direct input on her e-ring.

Going by his other threads, I think Rob has bought the ring and he and his girlfriend haven't even talked seriously about marriage yet, let alone discussed what she would want/not want in an engagement ring...

It's still a LOT better than the men who don't come across with ANY ring or proposal

Better a ring that you had no input on, than waiting for the ring that never materializes. Hopefully his future FI will see it that way too. I guess we'll have to follow his saga as it unfolds

Absolutely!

ETA: Smiley because I hope it all works out, in case anyone thought I might wish otherwise.

 

[sklingem]

GWEN - no we "haven''t even talked seriously about marriage yet, let alone discussed what she would want/not want in an engagement ring...". And we have not seriously talked about children eather. Despite these terrible shortcomings and my obvious lack of maturity I hope that you would agree though that I could infer from (a) her own jewelry; (b) our joint purchases of jewelry for her; (c) my jewelry purchases for her and her reactions/use of it and (d) general discussions of her likes and dislikes in other people''s engagement rings (stone shape, style, metal etc.) what kind of engagement ring she would enjoy. That is enough for me, it may not be enough for you.
To answer Kittybean: Would I be happy about her wanting to change the ring? Of course not. But I would certainly agree to changes if she did not like it. And believe me, she would say so! I want to selfishly surprise her and selfishly not get her directly involved in the process for that reason. But my selfishness would definitely not go any further than that!
Purrfectpear: well - I am just following my heart and I have a good feeling about it. I put a lot of thought and effort into it and so far it has been a blast. I don''t regret a single minute of it. Ooops! Selfish again. I promise to stop now.
Cheers!
Rob

 

[wishful]

Date: 6/9/2008 9:04:24 AM
Author: thing2of2


I also think it''s ridiculous and somewhat offensive that he told you you don''t get any input on the ring you''re going to wear on a daily basis and, by the way, you can never upgrade the ring. So basically, you''re going to have to wear this ring every day for the rest of your life when you had no say in it and don''t even like it. Huh? That doesn''t work for me.

And I realize that an engagement is about two people, but since you''re the one who is going to wear the ring, your wishes need to come first.

I completely agree. It''s one thing if he wants the design and proposal to be a 100% surprise but to not allow you to change or upgrade after the fact is ridiculous! And not fair.

Hopefully you can say something to him (yes of course first give it a try on your finger and see - who knows...maybe it will look great and you''ll love it) but if not, perhaps point out to him the parts that you dislike and maybe he will understand what you are talking about and let you change the setting. Plus taking diamonds OFF the ring isnt'' really considered an upgrade is it?? (at least not in my mind!

) lol...

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/9/2008 4:55:38 PM
Author: rob09
GWEN - no we ''haven''t even talked seriously about marriage yet, let alone discussed what she would want/not want in an engagement ring...''. And we have not seriously talked about children eather. Despite these terrible shortcomings and my obvious lack of maturity I hope that you would agree though that I could infer from (a) her own jewelry; (b) our joint purchases of jewelry for her; (c) my jewelry purchases for her and her reactions/use of it and (d) general discussions of her likes and dislikes in other people''s engagement rings (stone shape, style, metal etc.) what kind of engagement ring she would enjoy. That is enough for me, it may not be enough for you.

Dude, I didn''t make any judgment calls on your maturity or anything. Just straightened out kittybean''s misunderstanding about the situation. You would have every right to be annoyed at me for setting the record straight instead of you, but the rest of this is stuff that has nothing to do with what I said here. I don''t wish you any ill, but you responded here as if I do.

 

[kittybean]

Date: 6/9/2008 4:55:38 PM
Author: rob09
To answer Kittybean: Would I be happy about her wanting to change the ring? Of course not. But I would certainly agree to changes if she did not like it. And believe me, she would say so! I want to selfishly surprise her and selfishly not get her directly involved in the process for that reason. But my selfishness would definitely not go any further than that!

Cheers!

Rob

Rob, I was not saying at all that you were selfish. I was merely asking for your opinion, which is of value to me since you''re on the other side of the ring-buying equation. Please don''t read anything negative into my sincere request for your opinion. I think that there''s a lot to be said for surprises, especially in certain circumstances, so I wasn''t knocking your desire to make it a surprise. I hope she loves the ring you picked.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Who knows KB, maybe you will end up being pleasantly surprised with how it looks on your finger. SO MANY of us LIW''s have come back and reported that once we got our dream rings on our fingers they just didn''t look right. So until you try it on your finger, don''t get this worked up about it, hun. Instead focus on the fact that YOU ARE GOING TO GET ENGAGED VERY SOON

Once all is said and done, if you are still unhappy with the setting, you''ll be able to find the words to tell him as much. You aren''t the first girl who isn''t thrilled with her setting and I bet you won''t be the last. You''ll figure it all out once you see it on your finger.

Just give it some time...relax...and look forward to the wonderful proposal you have awaiting you

 

[kittybean]

Date: 6/9/2008 5:16:12 PM
Author: Keepingthefaith21
Who knows KB, maybe you will end up being pleasantly surprised with how it looks on your finger. SO MANY of us LIW''s have come back and reported that once we got our dream rings on our fingers they just didn''t look right. So until you try it on your finger, don''t get this worked up about it, hun. Instead focus on the fact that YOU ARE GOING TO GET ENGAGED VERY SOON

Once all is said and done, if you are still unhappy with the setting, you''ll be able to find the words to tell him as much. You aren''t the first girl who isn''t thrilled with her setting and I bet you won''t be the last. You''ll figure it all out once you see it on your finger.


Just give it some time...relax...and look forward to the wonderful proposal you have awaiting you

Keepingthefaith, you are absolutely right. I need to take another lesson from Carrie and not obsess about the unimportant stuff (you''ll know what I mean if you saw the movie--I don''t want to spoil it for anyone with too much detail). The more I think about it, the more I''m sure everything will fall into place. I am totally head over heels in love with my boyfriend, and I can''t wait to find out what he''s been planning for me. I still don''t know where we''re going this weekend, so I''m having a great time trying to guess. Now for another important question: what to wear?

 

[Deelight]

Kittybean I think your ring is beautiful just think you get the best of both words the elegance and broad flashes of fire of an emerald and the sparkle and scintillation of rounds AND you will most likely getting a proposal from the man you love very very soon .

Another thing to keep in mind the band will most likely look more delicate IRL then on the computer screen or even from a print out .

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 6/9/2008 3:08:38 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
I don''t see the engagement ring as a gift. Legally, if it were strictly a gift, it would stay with recieving party no matter what. However, in most states the law says the ring is a seal of commitment and as such the one who breaks the engagement doesn''t get the ring. So legally, it is separate from a gift. I don''t see it as a gift and neither does my FI; we see it as a tangible piece of proof of our commitment and as it is about us, we both had say in it.

Except in some cases where the ering was also a Christmas/birthday/Valentine''s present in which case the receiver of the gift can do what they want with it because it is considered a gift before being a sign of a contract between 2 people to go into marriage.

Ering law is complicated.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 6/9/2008 4:23:09 PM
Author: kittybean
Rob: your comments made me smile. From what you said, I inferred that you are allowing your girlfriend some input, but not direct input on her e-ring. I think this is a good move, and given that you''re on PS, I''m sure you''ll make (or have made) a wonderful choice. My question: how you would feel if she didn''t agree with your choice? I''m trying to determine what my boyfriend''s reaction would be if and when I expressed that sentiment. What if the ring you picked just didn''t look right on her finger? Would you want her to tell you, and if so, when? Thanks--I appreciate having a male perspective!

Fieryred, Kayakqueen, Ms.Dreamy: I''m glad you like it! I think your opinions made me more open to the idea of liking it as is.

I agree with absolut_blonde: I think I need to see it IRL and on my finger. The band is pretty wide--3.5mm. I''m concerned that it might take up all the available ring space on my finger and will leave no room for a wedding band--this is why I really wanted a more delicate setting. My favorite rings right now have < 2mm bands, and they look just about right on my hand.

I took one look at that ring and thought "that will never work". There is nothing wrong with it in general, but with your ring size, it will be overwhelming. My fingers are less than a size larger (3.75) than your tiny digits, and that thing would be HUGE on me. In fact, the prongs on the side stones look like they would poke your other fingers because they would wrap around since your finger are so small. In that ring, I would look like I was a kid wearing my mom''s ring, imo.
If it does poke you, atleast you have a perfect excuse to exchange since he can''t expect you to wear a ring that is uncomfortable.

 

[kittybean]

Date: 6/9/2008 7:19:09 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy

I took one look at that ring and thought ''that will never work''. There is nothing wrong with it in general, but with your ring size, it will be overwhelming. My fingers are less than a size larger (3.75) than your tiny digits, and that thing would be HUGE on me. In fact, the prongs on the side stones look like they would poke your other fingers because they would wrap around since your finger are so small. In that ring, I would look like I was a kid wearing my mom''s ring, imo.

If it does poke you, atleast you have a perfect excuse to exchange since he can''t expect you to wear a ring that is uncomfortable.

Good point. My mom, who also has tiny hands, actually had to exchange her first engagement ring for a different setting because the first one dug into her other fingers. If this happens, we will definitely have to find something else, and I''m positive my boyfriend wouldn''t object in the slightest. Also, if it is at all too big, I can foresee that there may be an issue with sizing it--the small size I need could compromise the setting.