I Think My LIWitis Is Out of Control

[PrincessLily2009]

Don''t get me wrong-I love my boyfriend, and I think he''s a very handsome man. However, I''ve really lost my desire to be physical with him. I''m really not interested in anything more than a quick peck on the lips. The fact that he doesn''t want to get engaged has made me feel undesirable and kind of rejected. He swears up and down that it has nothing to do with me, but I can''t help it. He brought it up today, and I explained how I was feeling, and of course he felt bad. He suggested getting rings to wear, to show that he''s commited to me, but when I asked how that was different from getting engaged, he explained that it wouldn''t be "final." What? Not helping! I know he wants to marry me, and I know he''ll propose when he''s ready (in a few years). We have a great relationship-why is this having such an impact on me?

 

[LaraOnline]

You see it as rejection, so it IS rejection.
Unless you can reprogram yourself so that you feel differently...
Perhaps you should see a hypnotherapist!

Had a friend who went to a hypnotherapist to deal with panic attacks.

I think your response is entirely natural, particularly if he''s years off...
My personal theory, as I have posted, is that men see marriage as primarily a social/legal construct, associating economic responsibilities and the direct facilitation of children, while women respond more as a biological response (wanting to ensure their reproductive efforts are not wasted by delaying childbirth throughout their fertile years).

It''s probably biologically unnatural for women to sustain/prolong the ''pre-conception'' psychological state within relationship for as long as they are expected to in our current society...my theory goes, women look to marriage as a way of dealing with this delayed-conception anxiety...and yes, it is subconscious, so it doesn''t matter if you yourself don''t actually want children any time soon...

Hope you feel better soon.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 1/10/2009 11:57:46 PM
Author:PrincessLily2009
Don''t get me wrong-I love my boyfriend, and I think he''s a very handsome man. However, I''ve really lost my desire to be physical with him. I''m really not interested in anything more than a quick peck on the lips. The fact that he doesn''t want to get engaged has made me feel undesirable and kind of rejected. He swears up and down that it has nothing to do with me, but I can''t help it. He brought it up today, and I explained how I was feeling, and of course he felt bad. He suggested getting rings to wear, to show that he''s commited to me, but when I asked how that was different from getting engaged, he explained that it wouldn''t be ''final.'' What? Not helping! I know he wants to marry me, and I know he''ll propose when he''s ready (in a few years). We have a great relationship-why is this having such an impact on me?

Aww, honey, I''m sorry you''re feeling rejected.

May I ask a few questions, to try to understand your situation a bit better?

How long have you been experiencing these feelings of disinterest in the physical side of your relationship?
How long have the two of you been together?
Do you live together?
Are you ok with it being years until you might get engaged?
What are your ages?
What are your goals (i.e. buying a house) and where do they fall time-wise with getting engaged?
Have you each discussed your vision for your future together, and do your ideas seem compatible? (Like, could you reach a compromise if your timing is very different on something than his and vice versa)

I obviously can''t speak for everyone''s relationship, but know that mine does have a tendency to go through lulls in the physical side of things too--sometimes just because we''re tired from work or busy with other things, or sometimes as a direct result of something happening (like after an argument or something, where I feel unimportant to him because he said or did ___). However, only you know how long this has been going on and if it''s a long-term problem or a (relatively) temporary lull. If you suspect it''s the former, then maybe you might want to think about going to couples'' counseling? Perhaps you''d be able to get some help to not see the fact that he''s currently unready to get engaged as a rejection to you, so however much time elapses between now and when you do get engaged isn''t terribly depressing for you?

And of course, it''s not a fun thought, but there''s always the possibility that "a few years from now" is wishful thinking and that maybe he won''t be ready then either. Have you thought about what you might do if you do wait these few years to get engaged and he still isn''t ready? It''s not nice to think about, especially if you''re already feeling depressed over the current state of affairs, but (in my opinion) it''s important to know where you stand and how long you are willing to wait. I have a friend who''s been with her boyfriend for almost 8 years and he has never once said he will marry her (just that *if* he were to ever get married, it would be to her, and that was only once when he was drunk), and she has been just waiting and hoping he will come around to the idea and just propose one day. She''s going on 32 and is really hearing her biological clock and has all but given up having kids because it seems like he''ll never come around. Now, your guy seems to actually talk to you, so I don''t think you''ll have the same problems, but her story highlights how long waiting can happen with some couples. And for some, it works fine! But considering how much getting married means to you and my friend, I suspect you would continue to feel worse over the years as my friend has.

Sorry for the long post--it''s early in the morning and my brain feels rather sluggish and not terribly eloquent. But I hope there was at least one thing in there that was maybe a bit helpful!

And seriously, sweetie, I hope you can find a way to wait and feel better at the same time. Best wishes.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Princesslily I know exactly how you feel. The physical side of our relations hip hasn''t really changed but I understand how rejected you feel. I too go through this often and just feel really low about it and wonder why my boyfriend won''t marry me. I really think that he doesn''t understand how it makes me feel, even though I tell him a lot!
I hope you can work through these things. As previous posters have asked, how long have you two been together? How long have you been talking about marriage?
Hope things get better for you.
x x x

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 1/10/2009 11:57:46 PM
Author:PrincessLily2009
Don''t get me wrong-I love my boyfriend, and I think he''s a very handsome man. However, I''ve really lost my desire to be physical with him. I''m really not interested in anything more than a quick peck on the lips. The fact that he doesn''t want to get engaged has made me feel undesirable and kind of rejected. He swears up and down that it has nothing to do with me, but I can''t help it. He brought it up today, and I explained how I was feeling, and of course he felt bad. He suggested getting rings to wear, to show that he''s commited to me, but when I asked how that was different from getting engaged, he explained that it wouldn''t be ''final.'' What? Not helping! I know he wants to marry me, and I know he''ll propose when he''s ready (in a few years). We have a great relationship-why is this having such an impact on me?

Because it is not exactly the romantic commitment that you envisioned. It''s not just the sparkle of the ring that we get so excited about...it''s everything that the ring represents. Security, family, a future...these are not things to take lightly.

You said you know he wants to marry you, and that it may be a few years until he proposes. You can''t feel the way you feel right now for a few years.

(((BIG HUG)))

 

[PrincessLily2009]

We''re in our early twenties, and we''ve been together 2 1/2 years. We''re not living together, and we just recently started talking seriously about our future.

The talks about our future have been pretty unproductive. I don''t think he thinks about things too much.

He says that all he knows is that right now he''s not ready, and he''s too young (people our age are not "supposed" to get engaged), but he knows that in a few years he''ll be ready to propose (to me).

I''m really not ok with waiting. I''m trying to be, but I''m not. He insists he wants to marry me, and I don''t understand why we need to wait to get engaged.

 

[purselover]

Hi Princesslily, I''m sorry you''re experiencing all this trouble. I really don''t know anything about you of course so take it with a grain of salt, but there must be something going on with him not wanting to get married other than age. He may think early 20''s is too young to get married, (I''m almost 24 and sometimes I still think I''m too young!)but if that was the only "problem" he should be able to overcome it. I often say I''m too young to get married, but age really isn''t it for me, it''s just an easy thing to say. For me it''s more like I don''t want to get married yet because I want us both to have secure jobs, and be able to balance our time together better. It seems like age is being used as an excuse not to talk about his real issues.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 1/11/2009 12:28:54 PM
Author: PrincessLily2009
We''re in our early twenties, and we''ve been together 2 1/2 years. We''re not living together, and we just recently started talking seriously about our future.


The talks about our future have been pretty unproductive. I don''t think he thinks about things too much.


He says that all he knows is that right now he''s not ready, and he''s too young (people our age are not ''supposed'' to get engaged), but he knows that in a few years he''ll be ready to propose (to me).


I''m really not ok with waiting. I''m trying to be, but I''m not. He insists he wants to marry me, and I don''t understand why we need to wait to get engaged.

Ok, this is going to sound really really harsh, so forgive me. I''m 39, and have no time for games when it comes to relationships. This guy may love you, but it is clear he is no where near ready for such a commitment. What makes you or he think he will be in a few years? Sounds like you need to give him his space, and if you''re still available when he''s ready to get serious, great. If not, he may just be SOL.

If you know you are at a point in your life that you are ready to get serious about making plans for your future with someone, and he is not but thinks he MAY be in a few years - you will stick around and those "few years" pass, along with a "few more", and you suddenly find yourself in your 30''s with no husband, no children, and no one to blame but yourself.

And just to let you know - I dated someone for a year and 9 months, and knew what direction I wanted the relationship to go in. I had to have the "where is this going" talk with him, and I did not like his answer. He said he loved me but couldn''t make any committments because of the stage his business was at, etc. I thought about it for a few days and realized that I knew where I wanted my life was going, and as much as it was painful to admit, it was not in the same direction that his was. I broke up with him in May. I started dating my current bf in July, and now I''m a LIW (we''re planning the wedding for October 09) who should be engaged within the next couple of months. Life does go on.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 1/11/2009 12:37:49 PM
Author: purselover
Hi Princesslily, I''m sorry you''re experiencing all this trouble. I really don''t know anything about you of course so take it with a grain of salt, but there must be something going on with him not wanting to get married other than age. He may think early 20''s is too young to get married, (I''m almost 24 and sometimes I still think I''m too young!)but if that was the only ''problem'' he should be able to overcome it. I often say I''m too young to get married, but age really isn''t it for me, it''s just an easy thing to say. For me it''s more like I don''t want to get married yet because I want us both to have secure jobs, and be able to balance our time together better. It seems like age is being used as an excuse not to talk about his real issues.

I think that things just matter differently to different people. I love my SO and am quite content, and I am sure we will marry one day, but if he had been pressuring me to get married when I was in my early twenties, I would have put him off too. There is a lot of maturing that you do in your 20''s, whether you are in a relationship or not. There may or may not be ''something more'' going on with him. It might be that that is just his preference, and his vision for his life. I never thought I would be married before 26 or 27. And I won''t. It took me a long time to warm up to the idea of marriage. It doesn''t mean that there is anything wrong with me or my partner, or our relationship. It just wasn''t ''time'' for me. Kind of like a cake that is not done cooking. There isn''t anything ''wrong'' with it, it''s just not ready yet.

But it will be, and it''s worth the wait!

Mmm... now I am hungry!

 

[princesss]

I just want to give a little perspective (probably along the same lines as Trillionaire).

I''m 22 and I''ve been with BF for 4 years. I know I want to marry him, but I''m not ready. I know someday I will be, but I can''t fathom the idea of getting married to him right now. If he really pushed it, I might feel pressured into marrying him, and it would explode. It''s a weird point in our relationship when viewed from the outside-in, but there''s some intangible barrier that keeps me from feeling ready to marry him. It really isn''t that I don''t love him enough, just that I don''t feel like I can marry him right now AND be true to myself. And as much as I love him, I''m my first priority.

You need to be yours. If that means leaving because you want to be married to the right person (and at this point, the right person may be somebody who wants to marry you right now, instead of somebody where you have to wait), then that''s what it means. But only you can answer that. I just wanted to add my perspective because I feel like I''m probably more in your BF''s shoes than yours.

 

[jcarlylew82]

Date: 1/10/2009 11:57:46 PM
Author:PrincessLily2009
Don''t get me wrong-I love my boyfriend, and I think he''s a very handsome man. However, I''ve really lost my desire to be physical with him. I''m really not interested in anything more than a quick peck on the lips. The fact that he doesn''t want to get engaged has made me feel undesirable and kind of rejected. He swears up and down that it has nothing to do with me, but I can''t help it. He brought it up today, and I explained how I was feeling, and of course he felt bad. He suggested getting rings to wear, to show that he''s commited to me, but when I asked how that was different from getting engaged, he explained that it wouldn''t be ''final.'' What? Not helping! I know he wants to marry me, and I know he''ll propose when he''s ready (in a few years). We have a great relationship-why is this having such an impact on me?

hi,
I haven''t read through everyone else''s post yet, so i am sorry if i am repeating what others say! I have a quick question - is there anything else that might be stressing you out that you might not realize? Bills, money, job, etc. I go through the same thing, to where if I am stressed out, i have no desire at all. not even kissing. which sucks for my relationship.
I think it is great that you are communicating how you feel! This is will help, even if you might not see it right away. Do you guys do date night? i know, its silly, but i think (at least with me and E) we''ve kinda lost that "spark" of first dating because we made house so quickly. Now, about once a month we go out, to a real dinner, movie, etc. And it really does help our relationship!

 

[neatfreak]

Princess, I'm so sorry that you are feeling so upset about this. I don't mean to be harsh, but he's just not ready. And no amount of forcing or prodding is going to make him ready. So now it's up to you to decide whether you are willing to wait or not. If you are, you need to just truly accept your relationship the way it is, which I think will make you feel much better. If not, then it's time to move on to another man who IS ready, and if your current SO realizes that he's ready and wants to marry you, he'll come back.

By him saying that he'll wear a ring but that it's different than being engaged because it's not "final" says loud and clear that he isn't ready to make that commitment to you. The only way you won't drive yourself crazy is to truly accept it.

 

[jcarlylew82]

Date: 1/12/2009 8:16:48 AM
Author: neatfreak
Princess, I''m so sorry that you are feeling so upset about this. I don''t mean to be harsh, but he''s just not ready. And no amount of forcing or prodding is going to make him ready. So now it''s up to you to decide whether you are willing to wait or not. If you are, you need to just truly accept your relationship the way it is, which I think will make you feel much better. If not, then it''s time to move on to another man who IS ready, and if your current SO realizes that he''s ready and wants to marry you, he''ll come back.


By him saying that he''ll wear a ring but that it''s different than being engaged because it''s not ''final'' says loud and clear that he isn''t ready to make that commitment to you. The only way you won''t drive yourself crazy is to truly accept it.

I''ll have to agree with everyone else too (even though I did just posted). It is hard to accept. But the ball is in your court.

 

[PrincessLily2009]

Thanks so much for your advice! I LOVE the cake analogy!

I''m sure everything will be fine in time; it just makes me uncomfortable because I know it makes him uncomfortable. He uses intimacy as kind of a measuring stick to gauge how happy I am with him, and how happy we are together, but I understand that it''s hard not to take something like that personally. I want to marry him, whether we get married tomorrow or 20 years from now, and I trust him when he tells me that he''s going to propose in the future. I love him, but the idea that no matter what I do, no matter how great our relationship is, we aren''t getting engaged for a few years-it doesn''t really put me in the mood. I guess it makes me want to pull back a bit, like I want to keep myself a little more guarded and maybe not give him so much of myself.

Ugh, I feel horrible for saying that, but it feels great to admit it to someone!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 1/12/2009 8:16:48 AM
Author: neatfreak
Princess, I''m so sorry that you are feeling so upset about this. I don''t mean to be harsh, but he''s just not ready. And no amount of forcing or prodding is going to make him ready. So now it''s up to you to decide whether you are willing to wait or not. If you are, you need to just truly accept your relationship the way it is, which I think will make you feel much better.

I agree!